Friend's DD in a serious accident...question about seeing friend

[Ginevra]

I think I will manage this fine, but I am a little bit looking for BTDT advice. So, end of January, one of my friend's DD's was in a significant car accident. Thre is another mutual friend who is her bestie, and so most of the info and arrangements concerning bringing meals and relaying the DD's injuries has come through the mutual friend.

 

Just before the accident, I had spoken to friend and we were going to meet up for lunch; we have done this about 3x year, so we do have some established friendship outside of the normal context in which I see her. Anyway, she just recently emailed me and said she still wants to meet for lunch as planned. Her DD is still in the hospital. I don't know all that much about her injuries or even any details of the accident. I do not need to know these things of course, but I want friend to know that I am a willing listener IF she wants to talk about this.

 

So, what would you do when conversation opens at our lunch? Should I just see what she shares and go along with whatever? Should I frame it right at the beginning that I am so sorry about the accident and am either willing to listen, or not say another word about it, whichever she is comfortable with? My general read on her personality is that she retreats in injury (introverted coping strategy); even her close friend had few details to share. I do NOT want her to think I am probing for info, but I also don't want her to think I am *avoiding* mentioning the accident or her DD's injuries.

 

eTA: typos

Edited February 25, 2016 by Quill

[AmandaVT]

I'd start off telling her how sorry you are about the accident and let her know you're here if she needs anything or just to talk and then see where the conversation goes. If she simply says "Thank you" and moves on, move on with her and if she seems open to talking, go with it. Depending on how close you are, you could also bring a little care package either for your friend or her DD or both - things to do in the hospital, quarters for the vending machine, chocolates or something along those lines.

 

I hope her DD is on the mend and will make a full recovery!

[GAPeachie]

The most helpful thing that anyone has ever said to me is, "How are you?" and really meant it and expected something other than a pat answer. 

 

This leaves the door open for her to make a choice about how much she wants to spill.  We've not dealt with a serious car accident, but we have had other things come up.  Some days we want to discuss and some days we want to do anything but discuss it. 

 

Depending on the day, I may say, "I'm holding up okay, but XYZ (I'm still in disbelief, I'm worried about a test result, I'm frustrated)...." Or, "I'm holding up, but really would like to keep my mind of it."  

 

The worst thing, imo, is when people try to carry on conversation without at least addressing the elephant in the room briefly. 

[Annie G]

You might have already mentioned the perfect opening.  You could tell her you've been praying for her and then ask if she wants to talk about it or just enjoy lunch and escape from it for a while.   I have a friend going through a really difficult situation due to an accident one of her kids had. Sometimes she wants to talk and sometimes she doesn't. But letting her know that I'm praying for them seems to let her know that I care but don't want to intrude. She's been sharing a little, but seems glad to just know that I care.   

 

Has your dd been to see the girl? If not, I might ask if it would be ok. You don't want her to think you don't care but you also don't want to show up if she's not ready for the visit.  

 

Gently- is it possible that her dd was 'at fault' in the accident and she's not sharing because she thinks people will judge? If so, definitely let her know you support her.  She might be afraid to talk because people are asking details when all you really want is to be a friend.  

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

You might have already mentioned the perfect opening. You could tell her you've been praying for her and then ask if she wants to talk about it or just enjoy lunch and escape from it for a while. I have a friend going through a really difficult situation due to an accident one of her kids had. Sometimes she wants to talk and sometimes she doesn't. But letting her know that I'm praying for them seems to let her know that I care but don't want to intrude. She's been sharing a little, but seems glad to just know that I care.

 

Has your dd been to see the girl? If not, I might ask if it would be ok. You don't want her to think you don't care but you also don't want to show up if she's not ready for the visit.

 

Gently- is it possible that her dd was 'at fault' in the accident and she's not sharing because she thinks people will judge? If so, definitely let her know you support her. She might be afraid to talk because people are asking details when all you really want is to be a friend.

It is possible her DD was at fault; I did think that possibility could be there. I have a notion, though, that it was weather-related, and not personal choices-related, (because we had severe weather when the accident happened), but I am sensitive to that possibility. I think it is more that her DD suffered injuries that could be permanently impacting and she is not ready to talk about/entertain what the accident means for her DD's future.

 

I should clarify that my own DD does not know the girl or my friend, so my daughter would not visit her.

[Annie G]

Even if it's weather related people can judge...was she going too fast, etc.  When your kid is injured the last thing you need is someone questioning that kind of thing.  Should be a no brainer not to judge someone else like that, but people do it all the time.  But hopefully she'll know that you're a safe person to talk to. You're not going to judge or go spread gossip.   But if her dd has injuries that might impact her for the rest of her life, she likely REALLY needs a shoulder to cry on. 

 

 

[Joanne]

Quill,

 

You've got a good gut and wisdom and intuition. Don't overthink this. Just be you. You rock.

 

:)

 

 

[SKL]

I don't understand why it is a delicate matter.  I would probably just say, "how's your daughter, I heard she was in an accident."  And let her decide how much to tell.  I wouldn't ask for details unless necessary to clarify something she has said.

[Barb_]

I think your instincts were good right out of the gate. "Are you ok? I don't want to pry but I want to offer you a shoulder if you need it. Or we could just pretend that nothing is happening and you can take a two hour break from worrying. Your call."