Yet another - are we being unreasonable?

[monstermama]

Sorry, this is long.

 

We recently had our second child.  MIL wanted to be there for the birth and to help with DS while I was in the hospital.  Because she won’t fly by herself and due to work schedules where no one else could stay as long as her, we ended up paying for four tickets so that SIL and niece could fly out with her, and then step-FIL could fly back with her.  This required several long group phone conversations to work out the dates, times, and airports, as well as at least 4 hours of me searching for flights that fit their parameters.  Unfortunately, she ended up in the hospital the week before, so just SIL and niece flew out and we got the other tickets postponed.  We’d briefly talked about them coming to visit in March or April after she was feeling better (she had surgery in January), but hadn’t really gone over anything in detail since it seemed she was still doing poorly… until DH got a voicemail on Monday saying she’d gotten approval from her boss for a specific set of days around Easter.  Problem is, those dates don’t work for us - DH has work obligations that mean he has to be in the office that week (gone from about 5:30am-6pm) and DS has preschool.   Plus, the tickets were going to be an extra $300 over what we’d already paid. 

 

So, last night we called and asked why she chose those dates and if she could visit exactly a week later - when the tickets would be covered by what we’d already paid, DS’s preschools would be on spring break, and DH would be able to take time off.  MIL admitted she didn’t have any reason for those particular dates, and that she didn’t think it would conflict with work, but she complained repeatedly that it would be a lot of work to switch the dates because, apparently, her boss is angry with her for missing so many days of work due to the surgery.  At which point, DH, exasperated, asked, “So why didn’t you ask us before you submitted the dates?†which led into a “well, you never call me!†vent.  DH had last talked to her on Friday.  She finally agreed that it would be better to visit the following week when DH could take off, and said she’d talk to her boss today about switching the dates.

 

Today, DH got a text from his sister basically scolding him for stressing MIL out and being selfish.

 

So, Hive, are we being unreasonable and/or selfish?  This is not a JAWM.  There’s (obviously) some other history here and I’m trying to be fair to SIL’s and MIL’s feelings.  It’s likely we’ll be responsible for flying them out again next year and I don’t want to repeat our mistakes.

[alisoncooks]

Not unreasonable and not selfish.

And BEYOND generous in paying for those tickets!  Wow!

[Spryte]

Not unreasonable at all. It's normal to coordinate dates with one's hosts before visiting. Especially if they are paying for tickets, very generously!

 

I hope you have a good visit when it does happen. :)

[Annie G]

I stopped considering that you could possibly be seen as unreasonable when you said you paid for four plane tickets so she could come see you.  You started this whole thing by going above and beyond...so when she wants to reschedule, it really does need to be convenient for you. 

[heartlikealion]

She won't travel alone

She didn't talk to your family before her boss

She likely won't be able to help much so you might essentially be strictly on hosting duty

 

and you're selfish?

 

Her poor communication skills are not your fault.

 

Yes, beyond generous to pay for all the flights.

[Alicia64]

My first thought was, "You've got to be kidding" with arranging all the tickets because a grown woman can't fly alone. 

 

Then you gave the rest of your story. You guys have bent over backwards.

 

And you're doing all this planning with a tiny baby and a toddler?! Your MIL and SIL owe you an apology. (Not that you'll get it, but still.)

 

Jeez,

 

Alley

 

[happi duck]

Not selfish.

Not unreasonable.

 

You've already been way nicer than I would've been.

[Valley Girl]

Oh, for pity's sake! No, you are NOT being unreasonable. They are. And ungrateful to boot. They all need a swift knock upside the head.

[AK_Mom4]

Tell them all to Go Away.  Or put them all on Ignore.

 

 

Sounds like you are surrounded by people who are not  used to being considerate (excluding your DH of course).  No explanations are required just a simple "Those Dates Won't Work For Us.  We Would Be Glad To Host You The Following Week."  

 

Lather Rinse Repeat.

 

When the "Why don't you";s and "How Come..."'s start, it never turns out well.

[zoobie]

She and SIL are nuts.

[Kathryn]

You are being unreasonable--unreasonably generous and gracious. They can get over themselves and pay for their own tickets and arrange their own vacations and pick up and dial their own phones if they feel that you're being selfish.

[fraidycat]

Wow. I don't really have any nice words for your In laws.

 

You are not being unreasonable, or selfish. They are being both incredibly unreasonable, insanely selfish, AND tackily ungrateful for everything you've done. You are WAY too generous by the sound of things. Why don't they buy their own plane tickets? Especially with unreasonable demands such as needing a flying buddy.

 

I think your DH needs to text your SIL that MIL owes YOU an apology for all the stressing you out and being selfish.

 

I also would try very hard not to "be responsible" for flying them out next year, unless you CHOOSE to. You are not obligated, no matter how much they try to turn you into the "bad guy".

[Harriet Vane]

Chiming in with the others.

 

You are more than generous.

 

It was idiotic and inconsiderate to not talk to you about dates first. SIL needs to butt out.

[FaithManor]

Okay, wow not unreasonable, and uhm...you paid for all those tickets which is something I would never do.

 

I would not want MIL around if she is going to have a bad attitude. It is hard enough toadjust to life with a new.baby without that!

 

She should just reimburse you for the ticket.SIL needs to stay out of it.

[regentrude]

You are not unreasonable.

 

(if anything is unreasonable it is an able bodied adult who needs to be chaperoned for a flight and expects others to pay for that.)

Edited February 24, 2016 by regentrude

[ThisIsTheDay]

Not unreasonable and not selfish.

And BEYOND generous in paying for those tickets!  Wow!

 

:iagree:   I think you are being above and beyond reasonable and kind.  Have you been married long?  I think you have a small glimpse of how things will be down the road, and it's a good thing that your dh can speak his mind.  I'm sorry that she's made something that should have been pleasant so difficult for hersel--but I suppose that plays into the history that you mentioned.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

[Renthead Mommy]

Not unreasonable. 

 

And I have been there on the "we are coming this day, no wait, without telling you, we are now coming on this totally different day.  What do you mean you have plans on that day!  How dare you!"  If they think like that, you will never win, so don't even bother trying. 

 

But no way in hell, would I pay any extra for her tickets.  You already were way over generous to fly three extra people out just so she could fly.  (She's a grown up, get over it.  Especially since you said 'won't' fly by her self, not 'can't'.)  Yes, sorry she was sick and missed the last trip, but now, it is up to her to pay up any extra. 

[Mimm]

Um, what? You're "responsible" for flying them out next year and you don't want to "repeat your mistakes"?? How about not repeating the flying them out, because that sounds like the biggest mistake you made.

[QueenCat]

 

Sorry, this is long.

 

We recently had our second child.  MIL wanted to be there for the birth and to help with DS while I was in the hospital.  Because she won’t fly by herself and due to work schedules where no one else could stay as long as her, we ended up paying for four tickets so that SIL and niece could fly out with her, and then step-FIL could fly back with her.  This required several long group phone conversations to work out the dates, times, and airports, as well as at least 4 hours of me searching for flights that fit their parameters.  Unfortunately, she ended up in the hospital the week before, so just SIL and niece flew out and we got the other tickets postponed.  We’d briefly talked about them coming to visit in March or April after she was feeling better (she had surgery in January), but hadn’t really gone over anything in detail since it seemed she was still doing poorly… until DH got a voicemail on Monday saying she’d gotten approval from her boss for a specific set of days around Easter.  Problem is, those dates don’t work for us - DH has work obligations that mean he has to be in the office that week (gone from about 5:30am-6pm) and DS has preschool.   Plus, the tickets were going to be an extra $300 over what we’d already paid. 

 

So, last night we called and asked why she chose those dates and if she could visit exactly a week later - when the tickets would be covered by what we’d already paid, DS’s preschools would be on spring break, and DH would be able to take time off.  MIL admitted she didn’t have any reason for those particular dates, and that she didn’t think it would conflict with work, but she complained repeatedly that it would be a lot of work to switch the dates because, apparently, her boss is angry with her for missing so many days of work due to the surgery.  At which point, DH, exasperated, asked, “So why didn’t you ask us before you submitted the dates?†which led into a “well, you never call me!†vent.  DH had last talked to her on Friday.  She finally agreed that it would be better to visit the following week when DH could take off, and said she’d talk to her boss today about switching the dates.

 

Today, DH got a text from his sister basically scolding him for stressing MIL out and being selfish.

 

So, Hive, are we being unreasonable and/or selfish?  This is not a JAWM.  There’s (obviously) some other history here and I’m trying to be fair to SIL’s and MIL’s feelings.  It’s likely we’ll be responsible for flying them out again next year and I don’t want to repeat our mistakes.

 

 

You are incredibly generous to pay not only for MIL's ticket but all the others. And NO, you DO NOT have to buy next year's tickets unless BOTH you and your dh WANT to do so (and if one of you doesn't, than it shouldn't happen). And it is okay to tell her that you all are willing to buy her ticket but if others want/need to come, they need to buy there own. Seriously......... and there is nothing to feel guilty about if you don't buy anyone else's tickets.

 

[dirty ethel rackham]

I'd just cancel all the tickets and tell them that, since you are dealing with a new baby, you don't need the stress of a bunch of grown ups acting like babies.  You were more than generous paying for the tickets for several people.  They are acting like a bunch of entitled brats.  Maybe this is my post-surgery brain talking, but I just wouldn't have time for that nonsense.  People can only take advantage of you if you let them.  Stop letting them. 

[JudoMom]

WTHaystack?!!?  

You've gone above and beyond.  

They're crazy.

[monstermama]

We pay for the tickets because we have the money - it comes out of our vacation budget.  The rest of the family really don't have the spare cash (and I'll bite my tongue about the reasons for that).  If we didn't fly back home or fly them out here, we'd never see them.  MIL is a complainer by nature and SIL is just generally tactless, but they're generally good people and the visits are mostly fine.  We all missed SIL and niece after they left, and it did make DH talk wistfully about moving closer.

 

DH is the only one who's moved any serious distance away from home, so he feels a lot of guilt and does take some flack from the family for that.  Due to the move (better job opportunities) and a combination of luck and hard work, we make more money than them, so we do feel obligated to take care of them.  It's a dynamic we've been talking about a lot lately, because MIL's health has been getting worse and it's likely we'll end up supporting her at some point.

 

Thanks for the support and confirmation - DH was feeling bad enough about it that he actually called me from work to talk about it.

[catz]

Holy buckets, you buy them tickets plus you have a brand new little one?  You've gone above and beyond.  She can chill out and get over herself. 

[MFG]

Just because your family made decisions that put you in a better financial situation does not create an obligation to "share" with the rest of the family.

Your Dh has nothing to feel guilty about.

[heartlikealion]

Just because your family made decisions that put you in a better financial situation does not create an obligation to "share" with the rest of the family.

Your Dh has nothing to feel guilty about.

 

Right. At least, not sharing like this. It's one thing to cover the bill at a family dinner, but another entirely to foot the bill for a few airline tickets.

 

Honestly, if moving is what it takes for the better job opportunities, maybe the family members should consider moving closer.

 

[HS Mom in NC]

You were extremely generous and went way out of your way. 

 

Sounds like your extended family is selfish and unreasonable.

[Professormom]

I stopped considering that you could possibly be seen as unreasonable when you said you paid for four plane tickets so she could come see you. You started this whole thing by going above and beyond...so when she wants to reschedule, it really does need to be convenient for you.

:iagree:

[RioSamba]

You are kind, gracious, generous, and completely reasonable. Snuggle your baby and don't worry. You've gone above and beyond, now the ball's in MIL's court.

[fraidycat]

I'm sorry you guys feel obligated. It sounds like an extremely unhealthy family dynamic all around. :grouphug: You and your DH are not responsible for the choices they made that lead to making less money than your family. They give your DH flak for moving away, but reap (and feel entitled to) the benefits of his moving? That's just plain rude.

 

I've bought plane tickets for a family member and I've had plane tickets purchased for me and my family. None of those transactions included any sense of obligation on anyone's part. All did include boatloads of gratitude for the gift that was received.

Edited February 25, 2016 by fraidycat

[Joanne]

I would not have 1) paid for the tickets and 2) spent my time and energy and family resources making MILs visit possible.

 

The thought of all those people around me an my new baby makes me stabby.

 

To pay for and arrange the torture? No way.

 

Now, with the added chaos? No, just no.

 

I'm sorry, but coming to see my baby should not burden me a new (again) mom.

 

[fraidycat]

I don't think that you need to feel obligated** to share until: you've got college covered for all kids, your and DH's retirement and long term care (if it comes to that) covered, plus extra to cover inflation of prices and other unforseen circumstances. Until then you don't really have "extra" money floating around.

 

**You're never obligated, but I would never feel responsible for anyone else's financial well-being until those things are taken care of for my own family's future. Of course, you can always choose to help, but I'd be very careful about establishing healthy boundaries about what you choose to do and what you are feeling guilt tripped in to.

Edited February 25, 2016 by fraidycat

[heartlikealion]

I am still trying to figure out how many days they could have been needed unless the hospital stay was extended or you wanted them in town beyond (or before) that. Now care for ds sounds like a moot point so this is really about grandma wanting to see her new grandchild (and the rest of you).

 

Stabby lol I am glad I am not the only one that would not be keen on all the visitors coming at my expense (figuratively or literally).

[brehon]

We pay for the tickets because we have the money - it comes out of our vacation budget. The rest of the family really don't have the spare cash (and I'll bite my tongue about the reasons for that). If we didn't fly back home or fly them out here, we'd never see them. MIL is a complainer by nature and SIL is just generally tactless, but they're generally good people and the visits are mostly fine. We all missed SIL and niece after they left, and it did make DH talk wistfully about moving closer.

 

DH is the only one who's moved any serious distance away from home, so he feels a lot of guilt and does take some flack from the family for that. Due to the move (better job opportunities) and a combination of luck and hard work, we make more money than them, so we do feel obligated to take care of them. It's a dynamic we've been talking about a lot lately, because MIL's health has been getting worse and it's likely we'll end up supporting her at some point.

 

Thanks for the support and confirmation - DH was feeling bad enough about it that he actually called me from work to talk about it.

Your and dh's *only* obligation is to your immediate family. Hint - that does not include any people you did not marry or give birth to. You really don't have to pay for plane tickets or anything else for anyone, let alone selfish, entitled "adults". Please, please rethink your so-called obligations! Especially if it involves supporting another adult. It doesn't matter how much money you/dh make; no one is entitled to it, even if they are older and/or not as well off.

 

I just can't imagine treating someone, anyone, the way your in laws are treating you and your dh.

 

And just to be clear - you didn't make any mistakes and the only thing you need to change is your mindset.

[Arcadia]

Not unreasonable.

 

Not surprised MIL complain to SIL. My aunts would complain for the sake of complaining to their daughters and most of my cousins won't react. They know it is no action required other than being patient enough to listen.

[kroe1]

Your house, your baby, your money, your rules

[SKL]

Sounds like your mom's version of the story must have been a lot different from yours.

 

What you described in OP sounds much better than just "reasonable."  I think sometimes people forget how hard it can be to rearrange work and school schedules.

[fairfarmhand]

The correct scenario for this kind of situation is MIL calling

 

"I was thinking about coming x week or x week. I haven't yet approached my boss, but if either of those weeks will work for you, or there's a better one in the future, let me know. Love you lots and can't wait to see the new baby! I really appreciate this!"

 

 

As far as guilt goes, guilt is what happens when we do something wrong or hurtful to someone else.

 

You and your dh did nothing wrong or hurtful here. Nothing but try to be nice to some unkind people.

 

It looks like there's some weird family dynamics going on and they pop up at weird times. Don't label "I dislike my mommy's pouts about not getting her way" as genuine guilt.   Some people are really good at manipulating other's feelings to get their own way. This seems like one of those occasions. Your dh has grown up with this, is used to it, and will not spot it initially. He may need you to point it out for awhile.

 

Name the feeling "You don't like letting your mom down. I get that. But this is unfair of her. This isn't genuine guilt because we've done nothing wrong or hurtful to her. All we've done is lay down healthy boundaries. "

Edited February 25, 2016 by fairfarmhand

[mamiof5]

I don't know your in-laws, so I am trying to keep good thoughts in mind. But sorry, struggling with that. You are the new mom, but you made arrangements, paid for tickets, and YOU are selfish?? No good thoughts come to mind. And, why can't she fly by herself? The whole thing is wrong, and you and your husband are being taken advantage of.