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Good touch..Inappropriate touch..worst nightmare came true. help


angelica
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This thread is giving me chills.

 

There are two possibilities:

 

1. You are stirring the pot and your child did not actually specifically tell you what you told us he did. That's why you don't sense the urgency. I don't know you however, and I wouldn't jump to that conclusion. I just think it's the only other explanation for your feeling that you can talk your way out of this.

 

2. You are somehow overcome with fear of homelessness (understandable) because your husband pays the bills and is unwilling to give up the free living situation.

 

You have to get out and if you are homeless, SO BE IT. You won't be the first one.

 

Now, it doesn't have to happen this month. This month, you go visit your own people, your mom, whoever. Somehow. You find a way and you tell them. If my neighbor came to me and said what you told me, they'd have a week-long sleepover, no questions asked. You need to find someone for right now.

 

Then, you work on it with your husband.

 

If he is not willing to go within a set period of time with set milestones, like pay a deposit within X paychecks, you do the savings, then you need to leave. He might come to his senses eventually. Let's just hope for that. But you need to go. You WILL find a way. You would not be the first woman to take her children and drive off without anything more than a trunk with a week's worth of clothes and a couple hundred in cash. I promise you, if you even have that, it is a hell of a lot more than many women have left with. This doesn't mean leave your DH at the time. "Hon, I am doing what a mom has to do and we'll be waiting for you when you're ready to leave that house." Fine.

 

But leave. You can do it. Again, give it a bit of time. Solve the short-term problem first, but then move to the long-term issue. You can't just sit there, however, and wait for this guy to come back. He will know you're stuck.

 

This guy sounds like such a problem. I am sorry but I am also telling you that once you decide to act you will find the strength. I promise. So, so many women have. I haven't met a woman, who was not on drugs, who left abuse for her kids, who didn't make it. It was always hard but I haven't met one who didn't come through.

 

Many men couldn't handle the woman leaving, but the women? Yes, they all did it for the kids. My mom did for me, I did for my kids, my partner's mom did for her kids. You CAN do this. Do it.

Unfortunately, this is not great advice. The OP's husband could probably sue her for total custody and win if she does it over such a thing. Sadly, I know from personal experience that a judge is not going to take the word of a two year old seriously at all. Judges like to believe women are crazy nuts. At the very least the OP's ex could get 50/50 custody and the he would have his mother and her dh do the child care, leaving the kids at the mercy of this man way more than they are likely to be now.

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Unfortunately, this is not great advice. The OP's husband could probably sue her for total custody and win if she does it over such a thing. Sadly, I know from personal experience that a judge is not going to take the word of a two year old seriously at all. Judges like to believe women are crazy nuts. At the very least the OP's ex could get 50/50 custody and the he would have his mother and her dh do the child care, leaving the kids at the mercy of this man way more than they are likely to be now.

I don't think he was 2 when he told or even 2 when it happened. And a few days ago OP got information that leads her to believe there were two incidents. So the time to act is NOW.

 

First step is a therapist. The therapist can help her sort out if this needs to be reported or not. And the therapist can help her son with his feelings about this. OP have you made this call? Doing this will go a long way to help your son see that you REALLY believe him. He needs to know you do.

 

In the meantime, it appears to me OP and her boyfriend agree to keep the man away from the child when the man visits their town in March. At this time, since the man lives so far away I don't see any reason to jump up and move out next week.

 

Then I would insist on counseling for the OP and her boyfriend/ father of her child together in order to set up future ironclad boundaries. It seems to me the boyfriend has not yet accepted the seriousness of this situation. He needs a third party to make it crystal clear. And part of future ironclad boundaries is getting out of that house.

 

And lastly, but soon, I would be getting married. I don't understand why you aren't.

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You asked why the man was allowed to come to the home. That's the reason. Yes, of course she should move. There should be no financial ties with him. I was just answering your question.

 

Someone else might have asked, but I did not. You must have confused my posts with someone else's. I wasn't interested in any "why?"

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Unfortunately, this is not great advice. The OP's husband could probably sue her for total custody and win if she does it over such a thing. Sadly, I know from personal experience that a judge is not going to take the word of a two year old seriously at all. Judges like to believe women are crazy nuts. At the very least the OP's ex could get 50/50 custody and the he would have his mother and her dh do the child care, leaving the kids at the mercy of this man way more than they are likely to be now.

 

not all.  my ex-sil's *employer* called the men in white coats to haul her off to the mental hospital after they witnessed her breakdown.  after she was released, the drs there ordered her to get follow-up care for mental instability.  but they moved, and she never did.

 

during the custody proceedings - the judge ruled it inadmissable.

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not all.  my ex-sil's *employer* called the men in white coats to haul her off to the mental hospital after they witnessed her breakdown.  after she was released, the drs there ordered her to get follow-up care for mental instability.  but they moved, and she never did.

 

during the custody proceedings - the judge ruled it inadmissable.

Oh, I'm super jaded right now, but what you wrote makes perfect sense. Judges evidently only call sane women crazy, but really crazy women get a pass...

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Angelica, not to add to your woes, but I'd be very leery to leave your MIL alone with your son either. Who knows what she will say to him about this. I would be afraid she would try and tell him it didn't happen, he doesn't remember, etc.

When I was a child an Event happened with my step grandfather. My bio grandmother found out and blamed/shamed me for what happened. For years I felt unclean and believed that I had somehow asked for it.

I think she felt she had to make sure I was so traumatized/ashamed/terrified that I wouldn't dare say anything...to anyone. It worked. (For a long time anyways)

Edited by homeschoolin'mygirls
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When I was a child an Event happened with my step grandfather. My bio grandmother found out and blamed/shamed me for what happened. For years I felt unclean and believed that I had somehow asked for it.

I think she felt she had to make sure I was so traumatized/ashamed/terrified that I wouldn't dare say anything...to anyone. It worked. (For a long time anyways)

I am so sorry.

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Unfortunately, this is not great advice. The OP's husband could probably sue her for total custody and win if she does it over such a thing. Sadly, I know from personal experience that a judge is not going to take the word of a two year old seriously at all. Judges like to believe women are crazy nuts. At the very least the OP's ex could get 50/50 custody and the he would have his mother and her dh do the child care, leaving the kids at the mercy of this man way more than they are likely to be now.

 

The child is was NOT two when it was reported.

 

I am not suggesting, either, that they divorce, but that she take her residence into her own hands and bring her husband with her. I'm not suggesting that she leave him. I'm suggesting that she find a new home and then ask him to come because it's safe. However, not now.

 

I'm wondering what you would suggest to a woman whose child is being abused before her very eyes?

 

I mean basically, she'd have to wait until she could take a video, to actually get him out of there? Like how could she prevent living in a home owned by a pedophile, if nobody will believe her?

 

I understand that you think that she can protect the child if she stays, but clearly that is not the case, as she was there both times he was abused previously.

 

Finally, one judge is one judge. It is not my experience that judges like to believe women are crazy nuts. I hear the same from men's rights activists. "Nobody will believe you, they always believe the woman even if she shoots up in front of them!" Well, okay. Maybe that has happened.

 

It doesn't usually happen. OP has texts from her MIL. Don't delete those, start the paper trail NOW, get a counselor ASAP.

 

 

Scarlett... why get married?!? As the bio-dad of course he has parental rights but how does marriage help in this situation? I'm not trying to be snarky, just don't get it.

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This thread has me thoroughly confused. The op keeps saying she believes her son that the molestation happened, but she also seems to think it's not really *that* big a deal and that the feelings of her MIL and boyfriend? husband? matter more than any discomfort that might come from properly dealing with the situation.

 

It seems like she wants us to *think* she's taking it seriously when, in reality, she isn't.

 

So far, op, it seems like you have done exactly NOTHING to help and protect your son.

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There are two dangers to your son, and two remedies. Neither of them had to cost you your house or your marriage, unless the other people insist on it doing so.:

 

A. The danger that he step grandpa will touch him inappropriately again.

 

Remedy: Step grandpa never allowed within arms' reach, unable to access the house.

 

B. The danger that he will grow up with a twisted sense that those touches were normal, tolerable behaviour by his parents: that no one really disapproved or cared.

 

Remedy: put a stop to any casual polite interactions with the man; stop including him in the sense of 'our family group'. Avoid general contact with him to the absolute best of your ability.

 

To your DH and MIL you do not need to get them to believe the truth about your son and step-grandpa. You *DO* need to get them to believe the truth about *YOU*.

 

Your line sounds like, "I know you have your doubts about step-grandpa's behaviour, but I am morally and legally obligated to give my *children* the benefit of any doubt. They will never be around anyone who even *might* be a child predator. It's clear to me, by what my son said, that step-grandpa certainly *might* be. That's why I have to take action, even without having proof, even while you disagree. If it turns out I'm wrong, I understand that it's a terribly offensive accusation, and that's a bad thing to happen to an innocent man. I wouldn't do it if there wasn't so much at stake. I will always take the risk of accidentally having too much protection over the risk of accidentally having too little.

 

These are the new rules:

 

About the house and keys: MIL, you are kind to rent is this house, and we are thankful. But the new rule is that we need you to act like a real landlord and follow the law about who you send here. it is right for you to have a house key. It is not right for him to have one. We will change the locks and the garage code. We will put a spare key in an outdoor lock box (for keys) with a code. We will change the code frequently. When you need access, we will tell you the code. We will never tell your husband the code. As a landlord, if you want to send him as your representative or as a tradesperson to do work, you need to follow the law about how to give us notice -- but we'd much prefer if you choose another representative to deal with property issues. Sending you husband creates a lot of work for us.

 

About visits: We don't want to see step-grandpa or have visits with him any more, at all. It's fine for you to visit as usual. You can do most of the things you normally would, but you can't bring up the topic of son's memories about step-grandpa. You can't talk about that topic at all, or you will be asked to leave. (You can talk about ordinary things about him, just not about the specific topic of inappropriate touch.)

 

These things are simple, easy and very close to the way you have been living anyways. It just clarifies that you won't tolerate any changes to the way it is now, and that the upcoming possible work-visit is completely unwelcome. The key change and the clear words simply solidify your perfectly reasonable precautions.

Edited by bolt.
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This thread has me thoroughly confused. The op keeps saying she believes her son that the molestation happened, but she also seems to think it's not really *that* big a deal and that the feelings of her MIL and boyfriend? husband? matter more than any discomfort that might come from properly dealing with the situation.

 

It seems like she wants us to *think* she's taking it seriously when, in reality, she isn't.

 

So far, op, it seems like you have done exactly NOTHING to help and protect your son.

 

 

It doesn't sound confusing to me if OP is herself in a controlled and abused position, and especially if she has not grasped that herself.  I am guessing that perhaps she can not make an appointment with a therapist for her son without her "dh"/partner/boyfriend/significant other agreeing to let her do that. I am guessing she may not have her own money, transportation, or most of all adult autonomy to take a step like that.

 

This may be more of a psychological thing and not "real"--someone who sees herself still as barely more than a "girl" now, and only a "girl" at age 22 when son was born. Or she could be in true DV danger. Or anything in between.  

 

[ETA: Or I may completely misunderstand, but the song referred to in post #230 sounds much more like something to be used to help fortify oneself for standing up to some significant crisis in life--not for being able to have a normal discussion with and receive normal help from a supportive and kind  husband/father of one's children.]

 

 

 

The "dh"/boyfriend...  also does not sound[ to me, as I understand what I am reading which could be way off] like he has reached adult autonomy--he sounds like he is more attached still in a dependency relationship to his mom than to being an adult man father to his children [or emotionally supportive and kind husband or unmarried partner as case may be].

Edited by Pen
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Post script to my last post:

 

I may be reading in way too much though based on similarity to the way these posts seem as to the situation I mentioned in an earlier post where I knew the family of someone who lost her children to CPS (and went to jail) due to failure to protect another child from an abusive situation.  That mom was pretty young, even younger than this one, had medical issues, and was pretty poor and in an emotionally and financially dependent situation on her husband, as well as the only vehicle being that of the husband (in that case they were married), probably at a total loss as to how she could live if she were to have reported the abuse/left. But the law sees a parent as a parent, not as a kid, and requires the mom to take proper adult actions.

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There are two dangers to your son, and two remedies. Neither of them had to cost you your house or your marriage, unless the other people insist on it doing so.:

 

A. The danger that he step grandpa will touch him inappropriately again.

 

Remedy: Step grandpa never allowed within arms' reach, unable to access the house.

 

B. The danger that he will grow up with a twisted sense that those touches were normal, tolerable behaviour by his parents: that no one really disapproved or cared.

 

Remedy: put a stop to any casual polite interactions with the man; stop including him in the sense of 'our family group'. Avoid general contact with him to the absolute best of your ability.

 

To your DH and MIL you do not need to get them to believe the truth about your son and step-grandpa. You *DO* need to get them to believe the truth about *YOU*.

 

Your line sounds like, "I know you have your doubts about step-grandpa's behaviour, but I am morally and legally obligated to give my *children* the benefit of any doubt. They will never be around anyone who even *might* be a child predator. It's clear to me, by what my son said, that step-grandpa certainly *might* be. That's why I have to take action, even without having proof, even while you disagree. If it turns out I'm wrong, I understand that it's a terribly offensive accusation, and that's a bad thing to happen to an innocent man. I wouldn't do it if there wasn't so much at stake. I will always take the risk of accidentally having too much protection over the risk of accidentally having too little.

 

These are the new rules:

 

About the house and keys: MIL, you are kind to rent is this house, and we are thankful. But the new rule is that we need you to act like a real landlord and follow the law about who you send here. it is right for you to have a house key. It is not right for him to have one. We will change the locks and the garage code. We will put a spare key in an outdoor lock box (for keys) with a code. We will change the code frequently. When you need access, we will tell you the code. We will never tell your husband the code. As a landlord, if you want to send him as your representative or as a tradesperson to do work, you need to follow the law about how to give us notice -- but we'd much prefer if you choose another representative to deal with property issues. Sending you husband creates a lot of work for us.

 

About visits: We don't want to see step-grandpa or have visits with him any more, at all. It's fine for you to visit as usual. You can do most of the things you normally would, but you can't bring up the topic of son's memories about step-grandpa. You can't talk about that topic at all, or you will be asked to leave. (You can talk about ordinary things about him, just not about the specific topic of inappropriate touch.)

 

These things are simple, easy and very close to the way you have been living anyways. It just clarifies that you won't tolerate any changes to the way it is now, and that the upcoming possible work-visit is completely unwelcome. The key change and the clear words simply solidify your perfectly reasonable precautions.

 

 

I have looked at this thread from time to time, but have not been able to read every post. I agree with this above the most. Get an alarm system, change the code frequently and change it again after mil has it after she has used it for whatever purpose. I would also get someone to check out the house for hidden video cameras etc. There has to be some company that can snoop for those kinds of things. It is my understanding that that is the main objection to step gf not having access to the house when you are not there. Never let him in again..im not saying that. But check and make sure this hasn't already been done. If you or someone else finds a camera theres your proof. Don't touch it, call cops and let them get fingerprints. Problem solved unless mil has a heavy case of denial and dh and mil are just looney.

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The child is was NOT two when it was reported.

 

I am not suggesting, either, that they divorce, but that she take her residence into her own hands and bring her husband with her. I'm not suggesting that she leave him. I'm suggesting that she find a new home and then ask him to come because it's safe. However, not now.

 

I'm wondering what you would suggest to a woman whose child is being abused before her very eyes?

 

I mean basically, she'd have to wait until she could take a video, to actually get him out of there? Like how could she prevent living in a home owned by a pedophile, if nobody will believe her?

 

I understand that you think that she can protect the child if she stays, but clearly that is not the case, as she was there both times he was abused previously.

 

Finally, one judge is one judge. It is not my experience that judges like to believe women are crazy nuts. I hear the same from men's rights activists. "Nobody will believe you, they always believe the woman even if she shoots up in front of them!" Well, okay. Maybe that has happened.

 

It doesn't usually happen. OP has texts from her MIL. Don't delete those, start the paper trail NOW, get a counselor ASAP.

 

 

Scarlett... why get married?!? As the bio-dad of course he has parental rights but how does marriage help in this situation? I'm not trying to be snarky, just don't get it.

The suggestion that the OP just get in a car with whatever cash she has and leave the residence with the bio dad if necessary would make HER look crazy to a judge. Because the bio dad has already basically said that he is willing to let this go to keep a relationship with his mother. I don't say do nothing. I do agree with getting a therapist involved and helped the son to know that MOM cares. But I do not believe that any law enforcement will have the slightest interest in the situation the way it is now. Most molesters are reported LOTS of times before they get arrested and judges and juries always (IME) give them leeway when the children involved are as young as the OP's children. So if the OP leaves and her mate won't follow, if family court he could get custody (especially since he will now have a better home than her) or at the very least he could get 50/50 and leave the kids with his mom and the molester when he needs to work. Both of those are the likely scenarios. A judge is probably not going to err on the side of caution for the safety of children. They just don't.

 

I still think that the OP needs to make sure her son is not around the molester when the molester comes to work on the house, and needs to get her child's therapist to convince the child's father that she is not a nut. He wants his family more than he wants to protect his son. It isn't right, but it's common.

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I would be very cautious about using anecdotal experience and observation to inform this poster's decisions regarding family law outcomes.

 

The course of a family law situation is far too complex for this situation to be accurately informed by the material I've read here. The generalizations about courts and Judges are not helpful (or accurate).

 

I echo the possibility that the OP is in a controlling romantic partnership and the passivity is a result of the dynamic that develops.

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Unfortunately, this is not great advice. The OP's husband could probably sue her for total custody and win if she does it over such a thing. Sadly, I know from personal experience that a judge is not going to take the word of a two year old seriously at all. Judges like to believe women are crazy nuts. At the very least the OP's ex could get 50/50 custody and the he would have his mother and her dh do the child care, leaving the kids at the mercy of this man way more than they are likely to be now.

 

 

I don't think he was 2 when he told or even 2 when it happened. And a few days ago OP got information that leads her to believe there were two incidents. So the time to act is NOW.

 

First step is a therapist. The therapist can help her sort out if this needs to be reported or not. And the therapist can help her son with his feelings about this. OP have you made this call? Doing this will go a long way to help your son see that you REALLY believe him. He needs to know you do.

 

In the meantime, it appears to me OP and her boyfriend agree to keep the man away from the child when the man visits their town in March. At this time, since the man lives so far away I don't see any reason to jump up and move out next week.

 

Then I would insist on counseling for the OP and her boyfriend/ father of her child together in order to set up future ironclad boundaries. It seems to me the boyfriend has not yet accepted the seriousness of this situation. He needs a third party to make it crystal clear. And part of future ironclad boundaries is getting out of that house.

 

And lastly, but soon, I would be getting married. I don't understand why you aren't.

 

 

The child is was NOT two when it was reported.

 

I am not suggesting, either, that they divorce, but that she take her residence into her own hands and bring her husband with her. I'm not suggesting that she leave him. I'm suggesting that she find a new home and then ask him to come because it's safe. However, not now.

 

I'm wondering what you would suggest to a woman whose child is being abused before her very eyes?

 

I mean basically, she'd have to wait until she could take a video, to actually get him out of there? Like how could she prevent living in a home owned by a pedophile, if nobody will believe her?

 

I understand that you think that she can protect the child if she stays, but clearly that is not the case, as she was there both times he was abused previously.

 

Finally, one judge is one judge. It is not my experience that judges like to believe women are crazy nuts. I hear the same from men's rights activists. "Nobody will believe you, they always believe the woman even if she shoots up in front of them!" Well, okay. Maybe that has happened.

 

It doesn't usually happen. OP has texts from her MIL. Don't delete those, start the paper trail NOW, get a counselor ASAP.

 

 

Scarlett... why get married?!? As the bio-dad of course he has parental rights but how does marriage help in this situation? I'm not trying to be snarky, just don't get it.

 

 

This thread has me thoroughly confused. The op keeps saying she believes her son that the molestation happened, but she also seems to think it's not really *that* big a deal and that the feelings of her MIL and boyfriend? husband? matter more than any discomfort that might come from properly dealing with the situation.

 

It seems like she wants us to *think* she's taking it seriously when, in reality, she isn't.

 

So far, op, it seems like you have done exactly NOTHING to help and protect your son.

 

 

There are two dangers to your son, and two remedies. Neither of them had to cost you your house or your marriage, unless the other people insist on it doing so.:

 

A. The danger that he step grandpa will touch him inappropriately again.

 

Remedy: Step grandpa never allowed within arms' reach, unable to access the house.

 

B. The danger that he will grow up with a twisted sense that those touches were normal, tolerable behaviour by his parents: that no one really disapproved or cared.

 

Remedy: put a stop to any casual polite interactions with the man; stop including him in the sense of 'our family group'. Avoid general contact with him to the absolute best of your ability.

 

To your DH and MIL you do not need to get them to believe the truth about your son and step-grandpa. You *DO* need to get them to believe the truth about *YOU*.

 

Your line sounds like, "I know you have your doubts about step-grandpa's behaviour, but I am morally and legally obligated to give my *children* the benefit of any doubt. They will never be around anyone who even *might* be a child predator. It's clear to me, by what my son said, that step-grandpa certainly *might* be. That's why I have to take action, even without having proof, even while you disagree. If it turns out I'm wrong, I understand that it's a terribly offensive accusation, and that's a bad thing to happen to an innocent man. I wouldn't do it if there wasn't so much at stake. I will always take the risk of accidentally having too much protection over the risk of accidentally having too little.

 

These are the new rules:

 

About the house and keys: MIL, you are kind to rent is this house, and we are thankful. But the new rule is that we need you to act like a real landlord and follow the law about who you send here. it is right for you to have a house key. It is not right for him to have one. We will change the locks and the garage code. We will put a spare key in an outdoor lock box (for keys) with a code. We will change the code frequently. When you need access, we will tell you the code. We will never tell your husband the code. As a landlord, if you want to send him as your representative or as a tradesperson to do work, you need to follow the law about how to give us notice -- but we'd much prefer if you choose another representative to deal with property issues. Sending you husband creates a lot of work for us.

 

About visits: We don't want to see step-grandpa or have visits with him any more, at all. It's fine for you to visit as usual. You can do most of the things you normally would, but you can't bring up the topic of son's memories about step-grandpa. You can't talk about that topic at all, or you will be asked to leave. (You can talk about ordinary things about him, just not about the specific topic of inappropriate touch.)

 

These things are simple, easy and very close to the way you have been living anyways. It just clarifies that you won't tolerate any changes to the way it is now, and that the upcoming possible work-visit is completely unwelcome. The key change and the clear words simply solidify your perfectly reasonable precautions.

 

 

It doesn't sound confusing to me if OP is herself in a controlled and abused position, and especially if she has not grasped that herself.  I am guessing that perhaps she can not make an appointment with a therapist for her son without her "dh"/partner/boyfriend/significant other agreeing to let her do that. I am guessing she may not have her own money, transportation, or most of all adult autonomy to take a step like that.

 

This may be more of a psychological thing and not "real"--someone who sees herself still as barely more than a "girl" now, and only a "girl" at age 22 when son was born. Or she could be in true DV danger. Or anything in between.  

 

[ETA: Or I may completely misunderstand, but the song referred to in post #230 sounds much more like something to be used to help fortify oneself for standing up to some significant crisis in life--not for being able to have a normal discussion with and receive normal help from a supportive and kind  husband/father of one's children.]

 

 

 

The "dh"/boyfriend...  also does not sound[ to me, as I understand what I am reading which could be way off] like he has reached adult autonomy--he sounds like he is more attached still in a dependency relationship to his mom than to being an adult man father to his children [or emotionally supportive and kind husband or unmarried partner as case may be].

 

 

I have looked at this thread from time to time, but have not been able to read every post. I agree with this above the most. Get an alarm system, change the code frequently and change it again after mil has it after she has used it for whatever purpose. I would also get someone to check out the house for hidden video cameras etc. There has to be some company that can snoop for those kinds of things. It is my understanding that that is the main objection to step gf not having access to the house when you are not there. Never let him in again..im not saying that. But check and make sure this hasn't already been done. If you or someone else finds a camera theres your proof. Don't touch it, call cops and let them get fingerprints. Problem solved unless mil has a heavy case of denial and dh and mil are just looney.

 

 

 

 

I don't have time to address all your comments right now. But I just wanted to update and you know all know that my dh does take this seriously. . Yesterday they went out shooting with dh's boss, went to lunch and had a great bonding day. On the way home he talked to our son. It all started with him asking if he's noticed if i've been a little sd lately. He said "yes, because of what x did". So they had a heart to heart, he's never heard it from our son himself, up until now. Now that he's heard it from his own sons mouth, things are different. He described it as 3 fast squeezes and when asked how it felt, he said "warm".. What makes me sick is that it happened with all of us sitting around on the couch just talking. RIght under our nose! He tried to be sly and succeeded. WHat I don't get is why? What does a man get from touching a 4 year olds dick? 

 

My dh is calling him mom tomorrow and your comments have helped in regards of what to say to her. He is prepared to talk to the man himself if it comes down to it. But he's laying that boundary down with his mom and letting her know he does not need to come over, he and I can handle the paint stuff and the roof repair. Beside it's all hired work, they don't need someone to come by and micromanage or whatever. A repair man came by yesterday to fix the fridge, if he was in town I would see no need for him to be here for that. Same goes for the exterior of the house being painted. 

 

And I am not in a controlling or abusive relationship, my dh is the nicest person. We're not splitting up over this, we do need plan our next steps though because given that things happened in this home, on our couch, in front of our eyes, I see things very differently now and I would love to move, and we can prepare for that, but we are not uprooting our lives because of this. We are getting our son the help he needs to process this, even if I don't think it's affecting his life, I know things can manifest in many ways and I need help processing my feelings, so I can only imagine he does as well. This is not easy and definitely not what we want to have to deal with it, but we are not going to just ignore this either. 

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The suggestion that the OP just get in a car with whatever cash she has and leave the residence with the bio dad if necessary would make HER look crazy to a judge. Because the bio dad has already basically said that he is willing to let this go to keep a relationship with his mother. I don't say do nothing. I do agree with getting a therapist involved and helped the son to know that MOM cares. But I do not believe that any law enforcement will have the slightest interest in the situation the way it is now. Most molesters are reported LOTS of times before they get arrested and judges and juries always (IME) give them leeway when the children involved are as young as the OP's children. So if the OP leaves and her mate won't follow, if family court he could get custody (especially since he will now have a better home than her) or at the very least he could get 50/50 and leave the kids with his mom and the molester when he needs to work. Both of those are the likely scenarios. A judge is probably not going to err on the side of caution for the safety of children. They just don't.

 

I still think that the OP needs to make sure her son is not around the molester when the molester comes to work on the house, and needs to get her child's therapist to convince the child's father that she is not a nut. He wants his family more than he wants to protect his son. It isn't right, but it's common.

 

I understand and I don't think you've been advocating for nothing to be done.

 

I think you're underestimating the amount of time I suggested she work with her DH to make a move happen. I was talking about setting up a savings plan for first and last at a new place, that this could take months.

 

I don't mean she should take off TODAY.

 

Your point about making sure she doesn't look crazy is sound. Unfortunately some judges are really biased.

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I understand and I don't think you've been advocating for nothing to be done.

 

I think you're underestimating the amount of time I suggested she work with her DH to make a move happen. I was talking about setting up a savings plan for first and last at a new place, that this could take months.

 

I don't mean she should take off TODAY.

 

Your point about making sure she doesn't look crazy is sound. Unfortunately some judges are really biased.

 

There is not going to be a custody battle because we are not separating and we are not destroying our relationship, our family, because of this man. Plain and simple. This is a very hard parenting moment for us and one that really tests us as a couple too, but we are united in this and looking out for our kids best interest here above our own.

 

At some point mil will have to confront him about this, and if she can't my dh will. 

Edited by angelica
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Angelica, with all due respect, I wouldn't suggest you leave your home because of a pedophile.

 

I am suggesting that you leave the house your MIL owns, to protect your child and enforce boundaries, IF your MIL was not willing to respect your autonomy in your home. You previously said your husband was not behind this, and if that were the case then it would be your husband choosing not to respect your son.

 

However, it sounds that he has come to see reason and I'm extremely happy to hear that.

 

I still think that if your MIL will not respect your autonomy in the home (i.e. her husband will not be asked never to enter and never actually enter), and if your husband were to back her up, then you'd have to leave the house.

 

That would not be you destroying the relationship, it would be them choosing their relationship over your son.

 

I am truly happy to hear that you and your DH have come to an agreement. I hope your MIL can get over it.

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All this talk is "noise". I can make noise too.

 

There is not going to be a custody battle because we are not separating and we are not destroying our relationship, our family, because of this man. Plain and simple. We are letting mil know we never want him around our boys ever again. This is a very hard parenting moment for us and one that really tests us as a couple too, but we are united in this and looking out for our kids best interest here above our own.

 

At some point mil will have to confront him about this, and if she can't my dh will.MIL will have 2 wks to process this news coming from her own sons mouth tomorrow, meanwhile he'll be headed out to his ex wifes house for 2 wks and I don't know if she knows it, but him and his ex wifes anniversary will happen to be when he's out here. I think thats no coincidence considering they didn't even divorce until the year he married her. And he's been living with mil since 1999, when this house was built, the year his son killed himself. These are just some of the facts. And more noise..

This is wonderful and I'm really happy to hear this. I just want to encourage you one more time to try to get counselling for you and your son if it is anyway possible.

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At some point mil will have to confront him about this, and if she can't my dh will.MIL will have 2 wks to process this news coming from her own sons mouth tomorrow, meanwhile he'll be headed out to his ex wifes house for 2 wks and I don't know if she knows it, but him and his ex wifes anniversary will happen to be when he's out here. I think thats no coincidence considering they didn't even divorce until the year he married her. And he's been living with mil since 1999, when this house was built, the year his son killed himself. These are just some of the facts. And more noise.. 

 

considering he cheated on the ex- had a baby with a lover, and your mil still choose to take him and live with him for years *before* he even divorced -  doesn't speak well of her discernment of anyone's character. . . .

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I am so happy, Angelica, that your husband and you have come to an agreement. You are right that these are hard parenting issues that challenge a marriage and require communication that is difficult. I have a similar family situation and although it was hard to cut off family ties, it is best for my children and the other party involved are able adults that can deal with their own feelings/frustrations on the issue. I am mom, I help pave their future (physically, emotionally) by keeping them safe. Best wishes, another mama bear

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I don't have time to address all your comments right now. But I just wanted to update and you know all know that my dh does take this seriously. . Yesterday they went out shooting with dh's boss, went to lunch and had a great bonding day. On the way home he talked to our son. It all started with him asking if he's noticed if i've been a little sd lately. He said "yes, because of what x did". So they had a heart to heart, he's never heard it from our son himself, up until now. Now that he's heard it from his own sons mouth, things are different. He described it as 3 fast squeezes and when asked how it felt, he said "warm".. What makes me sick is that it happened with all of us sitting around on the couch just talking. RIght under our nose! He tried to be sly and succeeded. WHat I don't get is why? What does a man get from touching a 4 year olds dick? 

 

My dh is calling him mom tomorrow and your comments have helped in regards of what to say to her. He is prepared to talk to the man himself if it comes down to it. But he's laying that boundary down with his mom and letting her know he does not need to come over, he and I can handle the paint stuff and the roof repair. Beside it's all hired work, they don't need someone to come by and micromanage or whatever. A repair man came by yesterday to fix the fridge, if he was in town I would see no need for him to be here for that. Same goes for the exterior of the house being painted. 

 

And I am not in a controlling or abusive relationship, my dh is the nicest person. We're not splitting up over this, we do need plan our next steps though because given that things happened in this home, on our couch, in front of our eyes, I see things very differently now and I would love to move, and we can prepare for that, but we are not uprooting our lives because of this. We are getting our son the help he needs to process this, even if I don't think it's affecting his life, I know things can manifest in many ways and I need help processing my feelings, so I can only imagine he does as well. This is not easy and definitely not what we want to have to deal with it, but we are not going to just ignore this either. 

 

 

That's good!

 

And your whole tone has changed to sounding like a confident, competent adult in this post. And that's good too!

 

The description that your ds gave his dad is much more certain to be purposeful groping than anything you may have been indicating before. Brushing against could happen accidentally. Squeezes could not. So, I think you can now be totally clear that you are dealing with a molester, not that there has been an accidental touch that was misinterpreted. To me it is beyond any reasonable doubt.  And it sounds like he was skilled, likely IMHO experienced, at what he did to do it successfully right under your noses.

 

It is really hard to know how much something like that could affect someone. Maybe very little, maybe a lot. So I am glad that you are getting professional help for your ds asap.

 

While we do not know for certain that the perp's son killed himself related to abuse, that seems likely. Could you tell that he was depressed or even suicidal, or did he seem okay?

 

 

 

And now I hope the talk between your SO and his mom will go well!!!

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  • 2 months later...

I happened across this old thread while searching for something unrelated, but I wanted to post a blog I've been reading recently about the same difficult subject. OP, I pray that your family is experiencing healing.

 

http://www.findingahealingplace.com/2016/05/05/married-to-a-pedophile-how-does-a-pedophile-get-caught/

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