Good touch..Inappropriate touch..worst nightmare came true. help

[Tsuga]

I'd pack up the kids and leave town on a sudden camping or road trip.  I hear the San Diego zoo is beautiful this time of year, and it's a nice time for a road trip past the Grand Canyon.

 

Seriously, if their visit is about repairing the house--great idea.

 

I get that MIL wants to see her grandkids.

 

Too damn bad she believes her DH over her grandson. Her priorities, her choice.

[Southern Ivy]

Thank you all so much! Please keep the words coming. This is very hard to deal with. I know enough about him to know I don't want a bond formed, but yet it's already there. He's so friendly and everyone who knows him loves him, but he's no saint and my dh and I know that.

 

He cheated on his ex wife, which resulted in him having a daughter who is now 20, and she had a baby last year. The ex and him get along very well but I think that's likely because their son committed suicide on campus in hs. His old wife and my mil even joke about being sister wifes.

 

To set things straight. This is hard for my dh as well because he came into his life right after his mom and dad got divorced. And since we've been together since 16, I feel I have a good sense of who he is, and though he's "nice" I don't trust him, but as my dh says, I don't trust anyone.

 

We can't just cut him out of our life. But when he's here I can make effort to not be home so the boys don't have to see him, even if they want to.

Frankly, this is all your husband needs to know and all that matters (aside from your belief of your son's accusation). 

When a mother's warning bells go off, especially in regards to molestation, they should be heeded, no questions asked. Just my two cents. 

 

I would have plans to leave early and come home late. Spend the day at your moms if you can, find some fun things to do for the kids, but keep them as far away from this man as possible. 

Edited February 23, 2016 by Southern Ivy

[73349]

You might like to read Protecting the Gift by Gavin de Becker.

 

People don't do inappropriate things to children even though they seem charming and harmless; they act charming and harmless in order to get and maintain access to victims and protect themselves from the consequences.

 

I do not envy you the job of making sure that doesn't work, but you have to be willing to step up and risk not looking nice or polite or cooperative, in order to protect your kid.

[Tsuga]

You know I have a lot of issues with over-reaction and or over-protection. I really can't stand attitudes that are generally "predator until proven otherwise" but when your kid tells you something, then that's not a trust thing. You have a clear reason to keep your kids safe from this person.

 

 

 

He cheated on his ex wife, which resulted in him having a daughter who is now 20, and she had a baby last year. The ex and him get along very well but I think that's likely because their son committed suicide on campus in hs. His old wife and my mil even joke about being sister wifes.

 

Um. Boundary issues. Normally I would just say, "sigh, oh, people, get it together" but all these things together make him sound like a train wreck.

[gardenmom5]

Thank you all so much! Please keep the words coming. This is very hard to deal with. I know enough about him to know I don't want a bond formed, but yet it's already there. He's so friendly and everyone who knows him loves him, but he's no saint and my dh and I know that.

 

He cheated on his ex wife, which resulted in him having a daughter who is now 20, and she had a baby last year. The ex and him get along very well but I think that's likely because their son committed suicide on campus in hs. His old wife and my mil even joke about being sister wifes.

 

To set things straight. This is hard for my dh as well because he came into his life right after his mom and dad got divorced. And since we've been together since 16, I feel I have a good sense of who he is, and though he's "nice" I don't trust him, but as my dh says, I don't trust anyone.

 

We can't just cut him out of our life. But when he's here I can make effort to not be home so the boys don't have to see him, even if they want to.

 

ya, he's a keeper.  not.  He's already proven he's not 'just' a liar - he's PROVEN he has gone out of his way to be DECEPTIVE to those closest to him.  and just-so-happens, deceptive in areas regarding his s3xual gratificaiton. (your mil was an idiot to marry a KNOWN philanderer.)

 

your dh needs to deal with the emotional fall-out of his mother's choices.  (even if nothing physical happened to him - he's not the kind of person with a good track record to be a stellar role-model for kids.)

 

change the code.    You can look that up online and it will walk you through it.  MIL's house or not, I would not be comfortable with anyone having a code or key to my house.  I know formal lease/rental agreements are different and they have access but given this is your MIL, i think you could get by with having new codes and keys.

 

legally - landlords MUST give a minimum amount of notice for when they will be there, what work will be done, how long it will take etc.  they have to give specific hours (most get around the iffiness of exact times by giving large windows, but they have to be within that window)

even if his name is not on the deed - if mil has designated him as her agent, that gives him rights to enter the property.

 

I would take my children and be gone for the duration.  stay at a hotel with a pool if I had to.  (ESPECIALLY if my dh wouldn't back me up)

 

I'd also be looking for another place to live.  this guy wouldn't be around my kids - ever.  even if he never does anything to them again, there's the mixed message factor and your child who has told you this guy made him uncomfortable, see's you and your dh being friendly with him . . . .it will reduce his future trust in you to care for him.

Edited February 23, 2016 by gardenmom5

[Scarlett]

Am I understanding that your MIL is not coming on this trip?  And he is staying with his XW?  Without his wife there?  Weird on so many levels.

 

I can't remember how far he lives from you, but if the distance is significant to limit visits to your area to a few times a year,  I MIGHT consider not moving.  If he begins insisting on coming to 'his' property very often I would definitely be looking for a new place to live.

[angelica]

Danger Will Robins.  HUGE red flag for me.  Have you talked to your dh about how this man treated him when he moved in with him and his mom?   If the man is a molester there is a HUGE chance he did something to your dh.  And your dh may not be able to deal with it which may in turn be keeping him from dealing with it now in regards to his own son.  

 

Please please please keep this man out of your family's life.  He would never lay eyes on any of my children.  

 

 Trust me, I have talked to my dh about the possibility that he did anything and nothing ever happened. 

 

 

 

Edited March 10, 2016 by angelica

[Scarlett]

 Trust me, I have talked to my dh about the possibility that he did anything and nothing ever happened. Once we met it was pretty much us stuck together like glue. They did a car restoration together and trips camping without me, but with the mom and dh and a friend, lots of good times so that's why it's hard for his mom to have me say something happened. SHe's texting me now wanting to talk but I have my sons around and I prefer to talk when my dh gets home from work and the kids are in bed. 

 

She says "need to talk, can't have another sleepless night". and " i dont want to do it around him. I know this is just a miss understanding and he would be devastated"

 

I got off phone with dh, and he says just talk to his mom. I pray it was a misunderstanding but these are the facts and I believe them to be true. I can picture him wanting to be even friendly given the fact that we all know now, which in turn does not make the situation better. I don't need this to blow up into anything bigger than it is. He's not active in our life, we see him maybe once a year, in fact we haven't seen him in maybe longer than that. But since hes coming out in march I am like  :cursing:  :crying:

 

mil wantsto talk at 3. i really don't want to talk to her

 

 

Then don't.  Text her.  Tell her you are upset too and don't want to talk and use your words above in bold.  And add that your children are your top priority and you do not want to give your son the impression that you a) didn't believe him or b) what was done to him is of no consequence. 

 

Another red flag that she doesn't want him to know what he has been accused of.  That is insane.  

[MegP]

Texting is better anyway because there is then a record of what she said.

[Scarlett]

It is possible that he did nothing to your dh.  13 ish is moving into puberty and many child predators have an age preference from what I have read about it.  

 

And I know it is difficult for your dh to believe this to be true.   Does he believe it to be true?  Do you think he will stand behind you?

[Guest]

 Trust me, I have talked to my dh about the possibility that he did anything and nothing ever happened. Once we met it was pretty much us stuck together like glue. They did a car restoration together and trips camping without me, but with the mom and dh and a friend, lots of good times so that's why it's hard for his mom to have me say something happened. SHe's texting me now wanting to talk but I have my sons around and I prefer to talk when my dh gets home from work and the kids are in bed. 

 

She says "need to talk, can't have another sleepless night". and " i dont want to do it around him. I know this is just a miss understanding and he would be devastated"

 

I got off phone with dh, and he says just talk to his mom. I pray it was a misunderstanding but these are the facts and I believe them to be true. I can picture him wanting to be even friendly given the fact that we all know now, which in turn does not make the situation better. I don't need this to blow up into anything bigger than it is. He's not active in our life, we see him maybe once a year, in fact we haven't seen him in maybe longer than that. But since hes coming out in march I am like  :cursing:  :crying:

 

mil wantsto talk at 3. i really don't want to talk to her

 

How about your DH talk to his mom.

 

And this is not about how she feels. Do not get distracted.

[Mergath]

I would not let him into my home whether I was there or not. Pedophiles have been known to install hidden cameras to get pics of kids. :( Honestly, I think I would move if at all possible.

[angelica]

It is possible that he did nothing to your dh.  13 ish is moving into puberty and many child predators have an age preference from what I have read about it.  

 

And I know it is difficult for your dh to believe this to be true.   Does he believe it to be true?  Do you think he will stand behind you?

He does stand behind me and believes our son. It was on the couch and we were all apparently in the same room. Now I know that all those gut feelings back in the day when we lived together in this house for a year before they moved to another state for mil job transfer. We'd all be watching tv and our son as like 2/3 at the time and he'd always be with this guy. I remember even telling my dh, grab him and have him sit next to you. Have him sit next to his grandma for crying out loud but not him, he's not family by blood and it's not kosher with me. So I always grabbed him if dh didn't and get him next to me, but I guess that wasn't enough. Still happened under our nose with us right there it seems.

 

 Mergath, on 23 Feb 2016 - 2:06 PM, said:

 

 

I would not let him into my home whether I was there or not. Pedophiles have been known to install hidden cameras to get pics of kids. :( Honestly, I think I would move if at all possible.

 

 

OMG I told my mom this! I was like I feel crazy to think he'd come in when were gone and install a camera but you just never know! Thanks for confirming my fears ahh

[Scarlett]

He does stand behind me and believes our son. It was on the couch and we were all apparently in the same room. Now I know that all those gut feelings back in the day when we lived together in this house for a year before they moved to another state for mil job transfer. We'd all be watching tv and our son as like 2/3 at the time and he'd always be with this guy. I remember even telling my dh, grab him and have him sit next to you. Have him sit next to his grandma for crying out loud but not him, he's not family by blood and it's not kosher with me. So I always grabbed him if dh didn't and get him next to me, but I guess that wasn't enough. Still happened under our nose with us right there it seems.

 

 Mergath, on 23 Feb 2016 - 2:06 PM, said:

 

I would not let him into my home whether I was there or not. Pedophiles have been known to install hidden cameras to get pics of kids. :( Honestly, I think I would move if at all possible.

 

 

OMG I told my mom this! I was like I feel crazy to think he'd come in when were gone and install a camera but you just never know! Thanks for confirming my fears ahh

 

 

Well, it is something that crossed my mind too, but I lean toward over cautious in these things so I was trying to keep it under control...but yeah, I don't trust people....especially with my own kid.

[gardenmom5]

  he's not family by blood

 

that's actually irrelevant.  just look at the case files of parent/grandparent/uncle (or even female) abusing their own blood descendents. 

 

and the many good men out there who protect children - even if they're not related to them.

[MomatHWTK]

I cut off all relations with a family member because she refused to accept that it was my right as a parent to limit the people who had contact with my child. The man she knew for 2 whole months couldn't possibly be a threat and I shouldn't hurt his feelings by saying he couldn't be alone with my kids. The fact that he chose to pressure my family member to gain access after I  (a stranger) didn't want him around her children was enough of a red flag for me.

 

Whether the man was a threat or not, the fact that my family member would put his feelings ahead of my instincts made her unsafe to have unsupervised access to my children. The same goes for your MIL.She has made it clear that if it came down to your child or her lover, her lover gets his way. Nope, no way, end of relationship. OVER. And I am not a deal-breaker, marriage ending kind of gal. But on this one, if Dh wasn't with me 100% or getting therapy until he could be with me 100% (because cutting off a parent is hard) then our marriage deal would be broken. 

 

The reason pedophiles continue to exist is because they are better at working the system than the rest of us. If they weren't able to insinuate themselves into trusting/don't make waves people's lives they wouldn't have victims. Make waves. 

[gardenmom5]

I would not let him into my home whether I was there or not. Pedophiles have been known to install hidden cameras to get pics of kids. :( Honestly, I think I would move if at all possible.

 

we have a local case (that eventually made national news) of a pedophile installing camers to get pictures of a NEIGHBOR's (children's) bathroom.  the cameras were on his own property - but they didn't think they needed to take extra privacy precautions on a 2nd floor. . . .

[FaithManor]

If you allow this man around your children, CPS can take them away. It is called Failure to protect in the law.

 

And I know a woman who lost her children because she refused to protect them from an uncle. All it took was confirmation that she knew what he had done and not only failed to report him, but allowed him around her children again.

 

Seriously, you don't get to mess with this and neither does your DH.

 

As for your relationship with your son, I can tell you what happens when the parent does not cut out the abuser. The victim becomes a teen who realizes mom and dad are full of it because they value not rocking the boat more than their relationship with their kid, teen seriously acts out in dangerous ways in order to make a point about how much she hates and despises her parents for allowing abuser around the family even though the abuse had stopped, and lands in family court taking up residence with paternal aunt who ends up with temporary guardianship while the whole family is in therapy. While she did end up reunited with her parents, 11 years later, the relationship is at best STRAINED and because of the lack of trust she does not allow her own little daughter to spend time unsupervised with grandma and grandpa.

 

When I say this is a hill to die on, I mean move, get a restraining order, talk to a lawyer, issue a cease and desist contact, whatever, but this man does not come around your family, he does not come into your home and MIL can stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

[Pen]

Can you and the children take a trip while step-grand is in town? Maybe a good time to go visit your mom, or sister, or even MIL so that you are very elsewhere at the time.

Your DH can deal with his step-dad, I presume.

[FaithManor]

He does stand behind me and believes our son. It was on the couch and we were all apparently in the same room. Now I know that all those gut feelings back in the day when we lived together in this house for a year before they moved to another state for mil job transfer. We'd all be watching tv and our son as like 2/3 at the time and he'd always be with this guy. I remember even telling my dh, grab him and have him sit next to you. Have him sit next to his grandma for crying out loud but not him, he's not family by blood and it's not kosher with me. So I always grabbed him if dh didn't and get him next to me, but I guess that wasn't enough. Still happened under our nose with us right there it seems.

 

 Mergath, on 23 Feb 2016 - 2:06 PM, said:

 

I would not let him into my home whether I was there or not. Pedophiles have been known to install hidden cameras to get pics of kids. :( Honestly, I think I would move if at all possible.

 

 

OMG I told my mom this! I was like I feel crazy to think he'd come in when were gone and install a camera but you just never know! Thanks for confirming my fears ahh

Sweetie, (((hugs)) molesters are good at what they do. Josh Duggar molested his little sister right in front of his parents. A friend of mine had a grandpa that would put her on the couch in front the relatives, spread open a newspaper like he was reading it, and use it to shield people from noticing he was touching her.

 

They become very, very adept at accomplishing their evil.

[Guest]

that's actually irrelevant.  just look at the case files of parent/grandparent/uncle (or even female) abusing their own blood descendents. 

 

and the many good men out there who protect children - even if they're not related to them.

 

I agree 100%.

 

But I think the OP said that, as in, "why does this dude want to be with mt 2-3 year old ALL the time. He's not his grandpa." kwim? I might be wrong and I don't want to put words in anyone's mouth, though.

[Jyhwkmama]

If this person absolutely must come to your home and yard to do repairs (and there is only one situation I could think of that would be a "must" - he owns the property), then I would take all my children and leave for the entire duration.  No way would I let this person around my children.  Your son needs to know he is safe, that you believe him, and that you will protect him at all costs from predators. 

 

The wife is the last to know (or if not the last to know, the last to believe).  I would ignore all your MIL's protests.

 

 

Totally this. Mini vacation with the kids!!!

 

ETA: Protect you child's feelings at ALL COSTS. Take the kids and leave if he is going to be anywhere near your property. Your child's feelings are much more important than those of any grandparent or the need to keep up appearances.

Edited February 23, 2016 by Jyhwkmama

[momto10blessings]

I'd talk to her and be blunt. Tell her that YOU could go to jail if you allow him around your son. Tell her that SHE could go to jail if she allows him around your son. Case closed. Son's safety and security are your number one priority. If he shows up, call the police.

Look, it's time to be the "bad guy". Man up for your son. Move if you have to.

[gardenmom5]

I agree 100%.

 

But I think the OP said that, as in, "why does this dude want to be with mt 2-3 year old ALL the time. He's not his grandpa." kwim? I might be wrong and I don't want to put words in anyone's mouth, though.

 

my brother loves playing with little kids.  get's on the ground, is the horse . . . I have a strained relationship with my brother - he's a prick, but i'd be shocked if he ever inappropriately touched a child.

 

eta: i've a pretty well-developed mom-gut.

Edited February 23, 2016 by gardenmom5

[JumpyTheFrog]

I think the OP's gut was telling her 5-6 years ago that this guy was bad news.

 

Don't worry about the in-laws feelings. Never let this guy near your family again. Call the police and file a report, even if the statute of limitations is past. I'd also move, too, because they probably have keys to the house. This kind of evil action toward a child is absolutely a deal breaker in the relationship with them.

[Pen]

And I know a woman who lost her children because she refused to protect them from an uncle. All it took was confirmation that she knew what he had done and not only failed to report him, but allowed him around her children again.

 

Seriously, you don't get to mess with this and neither does your DH.

 

As for your relationship with your son, I can tell you what happens when the parent does not cut out the abuser. The victim becomes a teen who realizes mom and dad are full of it because they value not rocking the boat more than their relationship with their kid, teen seriously acts out in dangerous ways in order to make a point about how much she hates and despises her parents for allowing abuser around the family even though the abuse had stopped, and lands in family court taking up residence with paternal aunt who ends up with temporary guardianship while the whole family is in therapy. While she did end up reunited with her parents, 11 years later, the relationship is at best STRAINED and because of the lack of trust she does not allow her own little daughter to spend time unsupervised with grandma and grandpa.

 

When I say this is a hill to die on, I mean move, get a restraining order, talk to a lawyer, issue a cease and desist contact, whatever, but this man does not come around your family, he does not come into your home and MIL can stick it where the sun doesn't shine.

 

Yes. This.

 

 

And I know family of a woman who lost her children to being taken by CPS and ultimately adopted by others b/c she failed to protect another child who was staying at their house from an abuser. Her children were apparently not themselves abused. But they were taken away, and she and her husband were put in jail due to the circumstances.

[bettyandbob]

I haven't read all. 

 

I'd pack my camping equipment and head to state parks and do ranger activities with the kids for a cheap "vacation". dh could stay home and work or take time off if he had time off available. State parks have been easy camping for a mom by herself (dh hasn't camped with us in 15+ years). 

 

After the repair visit, I'd be working with dh to figure out how to get out of the house. You do not need this kind of tie to MIL. Once you get your own place, you can still visit MIL--on your own terms. 

[Scarlett]

The OPs mom lives nearby it seems.....I would just go stay with my mom until the guy leaves town.

 

And yes, start working on getting out of that house.

[Haiku]

I have read your posts several times, and I am not sure I understand exactly why this man is coming to your house, but my advice is DON'T let him come to your house.

 

Don't let him around your children, supervised or unsupervised, ever.

 

If this man had slapped your child, or something else that is obvious, you would never let him near your child again. What he did do to your son was not obvious, and he planned for it to be not obvious. But he still victimized your child, and your response needs to be the same.

 

I'd also seriously consider reporting to the police what your son said. Your son will know you take him seriously, and you could prevent other children from being victimized. I don't agree with the idea that "I don't want to keep bringing this up with my son." This isn't something that just goes away if it's not talked about.

 

Best wishes.

 

 

[angelica]

Okay I was going to talk to her a bit ago but after I picked up from preschool kids were playing at park and I was talking to a mom, so I ignored her call. She texted me saying "you realize this is eating me up. I cant even think straight..not cuz i think he might have..cuz it makes me sick cuz you think he did." Then she wanted to know why I can't talk right then and said I know in my heart this is misunderstanding or accidental touching. I need to clear this.

 

My phone is legit dying and I have the kids around so I'm not going out of my way to call her when it seems like i'm already set up to be on the defense as she attacks me for something my son told me 4 years ago. He's 8 now, almost 9. I am seeing her true colors now? She has always been so nice, we have always gotten along and now I am sad.

[bettyandbob]

The OPs mom lives nearby it seems.....I would just go stay with my mom until the guy leaves town.

 

And yes, start working on getting out of that house.

 

 

The reason why I suggested cheapo vacay instead of OPs mom is either way the kids know something is up. making it fun can destress the whole situation, including for the OP. Thinking about how to light a campfire or hiking and searching for fossils is a whole lot better than thinking about "that guy in my house" while staying nearby. if the OP isn't up for a change of scenery then she should stay with her mom. 

 

She's really got to get out of the house. Any discount on rent is not worth the price.

[Scarlett]

Okay I was going to talk to her a bit ago but after I picked up from preschool kids were playing at park and I was talking to a mom, so I ignored her call. She texted me saying "you realize this is eating me up. I cant even think straight..not cuz i think he might have..cuz it makes me sick cuz you think he did." Then she wanted to know why I can't talk right then and said I know in my heart this is misunderstanding or accidental touching. I need to clear this.

 

My phone is legit dying and I have the kids around so I'm not going out of my way to call her when it seems like i'm already set up to be on the defense as she attacks me for something my son told me 4 years ago. He's 8 now, almost 9. I am seeing her true colors now? She has always been so nice, we have always gotten along and now I am sad.

 

 

Wait.  Who said the bolded?  

[angelica]

I have read your posts several times, and I am not sure I understand exactly why this man is coming to your house, but my advice is DON'T let him come to your house.

 

Don't let him around your children, supervised or unsupervised, ever.

 

If this man had slapped your child, or something else that is obvious, you would never let him near your child again. What he did do to your son was not obvious, and he planned for it to be not obvious. But he still victimized your child, and your response needs to be the same.

 

I'd also seriously consider reporting to the police what your son said. Your son will know you take him seriously, and you could prevent other children from being victimized. I don't agree with the idea that "I don't want to keep bringing this up with my son." This isn't something that just goes away if it's not talked about.

 

Best wishes.

 

Good point. Well mil did spank our son at one point while on a family trip. That pissed me off since we don't spank. I'm sorry but nobody has the right to spank my child. It was farm property and my dh was there when it happened, and I was out with his cousins for girl time and despite wanting to stay back, I was pressured to go and I regret that choice. I had red flags on that trip too. 

[bettyandbob]

Okay I was going to talk to her a bit ago but after I picked up from preschool kids were playing at park and I was talking to a mom, so I ignored her call. She texted me saying "you realize this is eating me up. I cant even think straight..not cuz i think he might have..cuz it makes me sick cuz you think he did." Then she wanted to know why I can't talk right then and said I know in my heart this is misunderstanding or accidental touching. I need to clear this.

 

My phone is legit dying and I have the kids around so I'm not going out of my way to call her when it seems like i'm already set up to be on the defense as she attacks me for something my son told me 4 years ago. He's 8 now, almost 9. I am seeing her true colors now? She has always been so nice, we have always gotten along and now I am sad.

 

 

MIL is in denial. 

 

You know you need to keep your dc away. If there's no way of keeping the man from the house. You need to leave with the dc for however long he is there. Time with your mom, time with friends, time camping, for however long he is there. He owever long he is in town--you know he has the codes to get in the house. 

 

Once he and MIL leave town, you and dh need to seriously focus on getting out. 

 

It will probably be a long time before you can be around MIL again. A long time. She may say bad things about you and talk about how her dil is so ungrateful after she (MIL) let dil stay in her (MIL) house. A lot crap will be said. 

[angelica]

Wait.  Who said the bolded?  said I know in my heart this is misunderstanding or accidental touching. I need to clear this

mother in law via text. 

Edited February 23, 2016 by angelica

[Haiku]

 

 

accidental touching

 

Nobody accidentally touches the crotch of a little boy's pants multiple times.

[Carol in Cal.]

If it was me, I would

1)  Change the locks

2)  Change the code

3)  Send DH off with the kiddos for the duration of the visit, since he can't be the confrontational one and I wouldn't trust him to keep SGPa out of, say, the bathrooms in the house.  He might say he would do so, but he really wouldn't.

4)  Stay at the house at all times, locked in, so that there was no access that I didn't observe directly.  I'm not completely sure that I would answer the door at all.  My inclination would be to ignore the doorbell.  I would tell the others in advance that they do not have permission to go inside.

5)  Spend that time finding another place to live.

6)  Move there as soon as is reasonably possible.

 

This is nothing to mess around with. 

 

 

[MomatHWTK]

You MIL wants to bully you into back down. I would not speak to her unless she apologized and grovelled for forgiveness. Why on earth would you feel like you have to comfort her when she is protecting a molester? She should be awake at night. She should be eaten up by this and she should make a decision to not pimp kids for her boyfriend. 

 

Honey, you need to get good and mad. Find your inner momma bear and let her roar.

 

(If you haven't figured it out, IMO there in no lower life form on earth than a woman who chooses a man over the safety of a child. It goes against all that is right about motherhood.)

Edited February 23, 2016 by MomatHWTK

[MomatHWTK]

MIL is in denial. 

 

You know you need to keep your dc away. If there's no way of keeping the man from the house. You need to leave with the dc for however long he is there. Time with your mom, time with friends, time camping, for however long he is there. He owever long he is in town--you know he has the codes to get in the house. 

 

Once he and MIL leave town, you and dh need to seriously focus on getting out. 

 

It will probably be a long time before you can be around MIL again. A long time. She may say bad things about you and talk about how her dil is so ungrateful after she (MIL) let dil stay in her (MIL) house. A lot crap will be said. 

This is very true, you will be accused of all kinds of cruelty. "I don't know what we did to upset them..." "You haven't told us what we did wrong..." On and on and on for as long as you continue to engage. People like this need to maintain the illusion that they aren't bad and will do anything to make you complicit. (Should I even bother to add, "in my opinion.")

[angelica]

MIL is in denial. 

 

You know you need to keep your dc away. If there's no way of keeping the man from the house. You need to leave with the dc for however long he is there. Time with your mom, time with friends, time camping, for however long he is there. He owever long he is in town--you know he has the codes to get in the house. 

 

Once he and MIL leave town, you and dh need to seriously focus on getting out. 

 

It will probably be a long time before you can be around MIL again. A long time. She may say bad things about you and talk about how her dil is so ungrateful after she (MIL) let dil stay in her (MIL) house. A lot crap will be said. 

 

Only he will be in town, mil is not coming out. If she wants to say bad things, so be it.

Edited March 10, 2016 by angelica

[zoobie]

If this guy had sexually assaulted YOU, would he be allowed in your home? Would you be wasting breath chatting with MIL to "clear the air"? NO! Let DH deal with his mother. You don't need her crazy. You don't owe her anything. 

And spanking your kid? What the what?!?

[zoobie]

Also, stop talking to your DC about this. Let a professional. Even if you don't intend on pressing charges.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Pay however much more you need to in rent to get out of there. Protecting your son is your top job! I agree with the previous poster who said now is the time to get mad.

[purplejackmama]

Can't you just leave town for vacation or go to your mom's for the week? I wouldn't stay there. I think it's probably time to find a new place to live if your mil didn't believe you.

Agreed! Get the heck out of dodge and stalk Craigslist for a new rental house. Time for mama bear to take action!

[MomatHWTK]

Yeah, you just confirmed your son's statement and are going to follow up by maintaining contact with his abusers. Nice one. You are normalizing abuse. I feel sick, I can only imagine how your son feels.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Wait, they lived there with you for a year back around the time this happened? More red flags.

[JumpyTheFrog]

Call the police! This man is a predator. There may be other complaints against him and the more evidence for the courts, the better.

 

Move so you are in a house they don't have access to.

 

Cut contact with both the predator and the protector of the predator.

 

You need to do everything possible to protect your son and other kids from this monster.

[JumpyTheFrog]

If you move, I really doubt that in the future you will find yourself thinking, "Boy, I wish we had stayed in that house that a pervert may have had keys to. I sure wish we had the money we could've saved if we didn't move."

[saraha]

I too think moving is a good idea.  I know that the step grandpa is states away and it is really easy to protect your child from him because for years at a time step-g is so far away, but I think moving is the best idea because you living in MIL's house means that they will always be a part of your life, and there is no way to cut them out while living there.  MIL will always have access to you and DH  if by no other way than by saying "Well, you are living in my house..." She will always be able to have communication lines open.

 

ETA: Also, there is the possibility of her escalating.  If you draw that line in the sand, she may get her back up and act crazy.  At the very least run you down for "attacking an innocent man" or whatever spin she wants to tell her friends and family.

Edited February 23, 2016 by saraha

[bettyandbob]

Yes, you would pay more in rent.

 

What is your child worth? Sorry to say that. Find a way to pay more for rent.

 

You will not always know when these people are in town. And they own the house, so can come up with reasons to access it

 

As long as you live in a house owned by MIL there will be unnecessary influence on your family. It will affect how well you protect your DC.