Good touch..Inappropriate touch..worst nightmare came true. help

[angelica]

So when my son was around 4 he says he was touched over his pants. It was like a little grab he said, and he showed me. Can't remember all the details but he knows enough to know it was not okay, and that there's no reason a man should even have hands there. This came up when I asked the kids if anyone has ever touched them inappropriately before, and my oldest said only one person.

 

Anyways, for the last 5 years they have lived out of state and we have only seen the man a few times, since it’s usually only grandma who comes to visit. I think they came out once or twice at the most together. 

 

NOW, This all is coming to light again because he's coming to town for 2 weeks and though he wont be staying with us, he will be over a couple times to fix things in the yard before the house gets painted.

 

To make matters worse, I had to hear he was coming out from MY mom of all people. She called me concerned that he'd be staying with us, and I was like I didn't even know he was coming. DH told my mom and not me because he knew i'd get all worked up about his visit and that he only told my mom since his mom wanted to know if her husband could borrow my grandpas old truck. 

 

The next day, I meant to text my mom to tell her I was upset at dh about this whole situation. It ended up that I had texted my MI!. I was having a moment and not thinking, just reacting and being emotional and feeling of powerless. But I think god had a hand in this because it's been eating me up. I never had the courage to tell mil back when my son first shared this horrible info with me. With them being out of state, my dh and I decided that it wasn't worth talking about, right then.

 

So MIL replied to my texts and said "he would never hurt the boys, he loves them as his own grandkids and says he always says how disgusted he is with people who take advantage of kids! " I was shocked when I realized i texted her, instead of my own mom. Of course now she wants to talk and I still don't want to. 

 

She's mortified and offended that I even think these things about him. Honestly I don’t even know what to say, but I feel a bit better knowing she knows and that I am not walking around with some "secret". 

 

Now when he's here in a couple weeks I am sure it will be awkward. Please help, I don't know what do..besides just ride this out and never allow my son to be alone with him, ever.

Edited March 10, 2016 by angelica

[maize]

Don't let him stay with you. If you really don't want them to know your reasons make something up. Tell them you all have lice if that makes you feel better.

 

Personally I would be uncomfortable with not addressing it; if this guy is a pedophile other kids are at risk. I'm not you and not in your family though, so I can't make that decision for you. The bare minimum you absolutely must do is protect your own children. I would happily lie to do that.

[Epicurean]

I wish there was a magic way around this that could make everyone happy, but there really isn't. You just have to tell her that as a parent, you are obligated to:

 

1. Believe your children when they tell you someone did something that made them uncomfortable.

 

2. Act on that information to protect your children in future.

 

I do think psychological studies have shown that sometimes kids make things up or don't quite understand what is appropriate or inappropriate In the full sense, so honestly there is a chance the guy is innocent. But unfortunately, I don't think a parent can take that chance. The risks are too great. If the child was right, the abuse will continue and escalate because you did nothing, or even if it doesn't, your son may grow to be an adult who feels betrayed that he confided you and you did nothing...not only did you appear not to believe him (because if you DID you would act), but you subjected him to this guy's presence (which can be painful enough even if nothing else happens).

 

Why risk damage to your relationship with your son and potential further sexual abuse just to be polite?

[maize]

Here's another way of looking at it: your kids need to know they can trust you to protect them. They know that you know this man is not safe, now you need to show them that you take that seriously.

[Slache]

I was molested by a man that had a history and no one reported it. So were several others. Please report him.

[JustEm]

Wether he is a pedophile or not doesn't matter. Your son believes he touched him inappropriately so you need to protect him. So I would simply tell your mil that you are not comfortable with her spouse being at your house and you feel it is best for your family that he stay away. She can decide how she reacts to that however she'd like.

[angelica]

Don't let him stay with you. If you really don't want them to know your reasons make something up. Tell them you all have lice if that makes you feel better.

 

Personally I would be uncomfortable with not addressing it; if this guy is a pedophile other kids are at risk. I'm not you and not in your family though, so I can't make that decision for you. The bare minimum you absolutely must do is protect your own children. I would happily lie to do that.

He isn't staying with us, he is staying with his ex wife. Last time he came and visited with their grandma, so they stayed here and that was ok. Grandma here alone, more than ok. Him here alone, he probably knows thats a bit weird.

[SKL]

I used to have a step-grandpa groper.  It was obviously a long time ago, kids weren't told about that particular safety issue, and I never mentioned it to anyone.  But yeah, it was gross and I didn't really like getting within arm's length of him.

 

I don't see that there's much to talk about with your MIL.  Is she going to try to tell you it didn't happen?  How does she know?  I'm sorry for her because she now has to digest this extremely difficult information.  Maybe you could let her know that you understand how hard it must be for her, but there really isn't much to talk about since the only people who were there were your 4yo and his step-groper.  You're not proposing to call the cops, just to keep a safe distance between him and your kids.

Edited February 23, 2016 by SKL

[Tsuga]

 

 

says he always says how disgusted he is with people who take advantage of kids!

 

Well, I have to say, if anything convinced me to believe your son, that's it. Who just randomly talks about that? Creepy.

 

Since they aren't staying with them, it sounds like a good plan to just ride it out and not let yourself or son be alone with him ever.

 

I am very sorry this is happening to your family. You are doing the right thing.

[FaithManor]

You are not obligated to talk to MIL about it if you do not want to, nor do you have any responsibility for how she feels about it either. You do have to protect your family. He is not a safe person, and having to see this man could raise some difficult emotions for your son who is now old enough to understand that what was done to him was wrong. That could spiral him into a very bad place emotionally, something you will regret and all of you will live with as it plays out.

 

So, this man does not come over. Ever. The end. You do not have even slightest obligation to acknowledge his existence and while dh might be having a hard time processing and would like to sweep it under the rug, this IS one those hills to die on moments when the momma bear in you stands your ground. In a likelihood dh will come around once he has time to process.

 

This man's feelings on the matter do not count.

 

I understand. I really do. There is someone in my family that was pre-emptively shut out of our lives so that he couldn't hurt our family given his history. Extended family did not like it. Do not like it to this day. Our answer is "Too bad. We do what is best for our children. That is our primary responsibility. You don't have to like it. You will respect it though or you will find yourself in the same situation he is in." That ended many a discussion up front and years later, it never even comes up anymore.

[Scarlett]

Maybe I am jaded but if my DIL told me my husband inappropriately touched a grandchild my reaction would NOT be to deny it could possibly ever have happened.  How does she know?  How can anyone know FOR SURE their husband didn't do something like this.  

I would believe the kid.  My marriage would probably end over it.  And yes I realize the kid, especially at age 4 MIGHT have misunderstood....but I doubt it.  

[maize]

 

He isn't staying with us, he is staying with his ex wife. Last time he came and visited with their grandma, so they stayed here and that was ok. Grandma here alone, more than ok. Him here alone, he probably knows thats a bit weird.

OK, I re-read the OP and saw that he will not be staying with you but will be in your house and yard doing repairs.

 

Don't let him in your house. Don't let him in your yard. You don't need the repairs that badly. Does the house by chance belong to your mom? That would complicate things I guess. Worst case you could take the kids and go elsewhere if he has to be there.

 

Probably it would be best to go ahead and tell your MIL about your concerns; if she refuses to take them seriously then you will know that you cannot trust her to put the welfare of your kids first; that's a good thing to know. (ETA apparently I can't read about this kind of issue with a clear head, I see MIL knows and did dismiss things. This is not her call to make)

 

You're not judging and condemning the guy, you are taking appropriate precautions based only reasonable evidence that he may be a risk to your kids. This is just like buckling them into car seats as babies even though the chance of getting in an accident is relatively small for any individual car trip: you know the chance is there, so you take precautions.

Edited February 23, 2016 by maize

[Scarlett]

You are not obligated to talk to MIL about it if you do not want to, nor do you have any responsibility for how she feels about it either. You do have to protect your family. He is not a safe person, and having to see this man could raise some difficult emotions for your son who is now old enough to understand that what was done to him was wrong. That could spiral him into a very bad place emotionally, something you will regret and all of you will live with as it plays out.

 

So, this man does not come over. Ever. The end. You do not have even slightest obligation to acknowledge his existence and while dh might be having a hard time processing and would like to sweep it under the rug, this IS one those hills to die on moments when the momma bear in you stands your ground. In a likelihood dh will come around once he has time to process.

 

This man's feelings on the matter do not count.

 

I understand. I really do. There is someone in my family that was pre-emptively shut out of our lives so that he couldn't hurt our family given his history. Extended family did not like it. Do not like it to this day. Our answer is "Too bad. We do what is best for our children. That is our primary responsibility. You don't have to like it. You will respect it though or you will find yourself in the same situation he is in." That ended many a discussion up front and years later, it never even comes up anymore.

 

 

Exactly.  And further, although I know you hate to keep discussing it with the 8 year old, I would tell (your son)  that this man will never be around your son because you believe him (your son) and you are doing what is necessary to protect him.  And thank him for his honesty and courage to tell you what happened.

[Kim in Appalachia]

You are not obligated to talk to MIL about it if you do not want to, nor do you have any responsibility for how she feels about it either. You do have to protect your family. He is not a safe person, and having to see this man could raise some difficult emotions for your son who is now old enough to understand that what was done to him was wrong. That could spiral him into a very bad place emotionally, something you will regret and all of you will live with as it plays out.

 

So, this man does not come over. Ever. The end. You do not have even slightest obligation to acknowledge his existence and while dh might be having a hard time processing and would like to sweep it under the rug, this IS one those hills to die on moments when the momma bear in you stands your ground. In a likelihood dh will come around once he has time to process.

 

This man's feelings on the matter do not count.

 

I understand. I really do. There is someone in my family that was pre-emptively shut out of our lives so that he couldn't hurt our family given his history. Extended family did not like it. Do not like it to this day. Our answer is "Too bad. We do what is best for our children. That is our primary responsibility. You don't have to like it. You will respect it though or you will find yourself in the same situation he is in." That ended many a discussion up front and years later, it never even comes up anymore.

 

:iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree:

 

Your son should not have to ever be around this person. 

[maize]

I knew a woman who was in complete denial that her husband could have ever molested her grandkids even when he was in federal prison for related crimes.

[Scarlett]

OK, I re-read the OP and saw that he will not be staying with you but will be in your house and yard doing repairs.

 

Don't let him in your house. Don't let him in your yard. You don't need the repairs that badly. Does the house by chance belong to your mom? That would complicate things I guess. Worst case you could take the kids and go elsewhere if he has to be there.

 

Probably it would be best to go ahead and tell your mom about your concerns; if she refuses to take them seriously then you will know that you cannot trust her to put the welfare of your kids first; that's a good thing to know.

 

You're not judging and condemning the guy, you are taking appropriate precautions based only reasonable evidence that he may be a risk to your kids. This is just like buckling them into car seats as babies even though the chance of getting in an accident is relatively small for any individual car trip: you know the chance is there, so you take precautions.

 

 

The OPs mom already knows.  She has known since the then 4 year  old reported it to the OP.  It is the MIL (spouse of the molester) who just found out when the OP sent the MIL a text meant for the OPs mom.

[angelica]

Thank you all so much! Please keep the words coming. This is very hard to deal with. I know enough about him to know I don't want a bond formed, but yet it's already there. He's so friendly and everyone who knows him loves him, but he's no saint and my dh and I know that.

 

He cheated on his ex wife, which resulted in him having a daughter who is now 20, and she had a baby last year. The ex and him get along very well but I think that's likely because their son committed suicide on campus in hs. His old wife and my mil even joke about being sister wifes.

 

To set things straight. This is hard for my dh as well because he came into his life right after his mom and dad got divorced. And since we've been together since 16, I feel I have a good sense of who he is, and though he's "nice" I don't trust him, but as my dh says, I don't trust anyone.

 

We can't just cut him out of our life. But when he's here I can make effort to not be home so the boys don't have to see him, even if they want to.

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Who owns your home? 

 

Who asked him to do the repairs on the house and the yard?

[angelica]

OK, I re-read the OP and saw that he will not be staying with you but will be in your house and yard doing repairs.

 

Don't let him in your house. Don't let him in your yard. You don't need the repairs that badly. Does the house by chance belong to your mom? That would complicate things I guess. Worst case you could take the kids and go elsewhere if he has to be there.

 

Probably it would be best to go ahead and tell your mom about your concerns; if she refuses to take them seriously then you will know that you cannot trust her to put the welfare of your kids first; that's a good thing to know.

 

You're not judging and condemning the guy, you are taking appropriate precautions based only reasonable evidence that he may be a risk to your kids. This is just like buckling them into car seats as babies even though the chance of getting in an accident is relatively small for any individual car trip: you know the chance is there, so you take precautions.

 

Yes, this is my mils home. It's in her name and now that they are married (4 years now) it's his property as well. We rent from her, and I can't see telling her that he can't come in going over very well. The outside of the home is being painted and he's going to supervise I guess. I am capable of doing that. Nobody needs to sit around and watch paint dry, especially when your paying people to do it. I don't know what yard work our yard needs honestly. 

 

On the phone last week she said he knows the garage code so if we're not home he can let himself in. This however was before I accidentally texted her about him. I really don't know why he's coming here at all honestly but any work that he can do my dh is all for because he only has weekends to do stuff.

Edited February 23, 2016 by angelica

[Jean in Newcastle]

Then I would do as you mentioned, and be elsewhere as much as possible.  If possible, ask him to let you know when he's going to come over so that you can plan accordingly.  (You don't have to directly say that you want to know so you can avoid him. )

[Pink and Green Mom]

If this person absolutely must come to your home and yard to do repairs (and there is only one situation I could think of that would be a "must" - he owns the property), then I would take all my children and leave for the entire duration.  No way would I let this person around my children.  Your son needs to know he is safe, that you believe him, and that you will protect him at all costs from predators. 

 

The wife is the last to know (or if not the last to know, the last to believe).  I would ignore all your MIL's protests.

[Tsuga]

 

 

 I can't see telling my mil that he can't come in going over very well. The outside of the home is being painted and he's going to supervise I guess. I am capable of doing that. Nobody needs to sit around and watch paint dry, especially when your paying people to do it. I don't know what yard work our yard needs honestly. 

 

Ugh.

 

Well, what a great time to go to the museum all day. Take your MIL there if needed. Given his overt disavowals and what your son said, I'd be concerned he's looking for an excuse. I'd be out all day long.

 

Why is he staying with his ex-wife? Did I miss that? Was that because you already refused?

[maize]

The OPs mom already knows. She has known since the then 4 year old reported it to the OP. It is the MIL (spouse of the molester) who just found out when the OP sent the MIL a text meant for the OPs mom.

Yeah, I caught that later. My ability to focus on details and respond coherently is apparently impaired today.

[Liz CA]

I am not sure if I read this right but did you say he is in and out of the house? Your house? If so, no. Find someone else to work on the house. If you run into him elsewhere, I would not leave him or the kids out of line of sight.

Faithmanor has said the rest.

[SproutMamaK]

Jsut to claridy the situation:
-this man is married to your MIL

-you MIL owns the house you now live in

-he is supervising and/or doing repairs on the house his wife owns

-he knows the garage code to get in to your house at any time

-you accidentally texted your MIL and she now knows what your son said, but you haven't talked to her since her initial vehement denial that it could have happened.

Just wanted to make sure I have all those facts straight before we start offering advice!

[abacus2]

Well you can cut him out of your life completely, but it sounds like that would require moving. If that is not possible, I would go with your plan of always leaving with all the children for the duration of the time he is around.

[Supertechmom]

change the code.    You can look that up online and it will walk you through it.  MIL's house or not, I would not be comfortable with anyone having a code or key to my house.  I know formal lease/rental agreements are different and they have access but given this is your MIL, i think you could get by with having new codes and keys.

[SKL]

You say your son wants to see him.  IME if you let that happen, your son may develop guilt over his mixed feelings.  Talking from personal experience here.  I think it is OK to say hi and smile on the way in and out the door.  But Groper doesn't get to bond with your kids any more, I'm sorry.  It's a sucky deal, but Groper is the one who spoiled things with his actions.

[Annie Anne]

Does your husband have an opinion here? Are you fighting this battle on your own?

You wrote that your husband is 'all for' what the man will do, because he doesn't have time.

Does that go before protecting his son?

I have some experience with this. If he is not standing completely with you, you must be prepared to stand completely alone when the chips start to fall.

What side of the country are you on? A nice long educational trip to a historical place might save your son and your marriage.

Can you move in with your mom for a few of weeks?

[Harriet Vane]

If this person absolutely must come to your home and yard to do repairs (and there is only one situation I could think of that would be a "must" - he owns the property), then I would take all my children and leave for the entire duration.  No way would I let this person around my children.  Your son needs to know he is safe, that you believe him, and that you will protect him at all costs from predators. 

 

The wife is the last to know (or if not the last to know, the last to believe).  I would ignore all your MIL's protests.

 

 

:iagree:  :iagree:  :iagree:

 

 

 

They will act like you are nuts. They will say ugly things about your whole family and your son.

 

Stand your ground.

 

Do not make compromises to keep the peace. Keep your children safe. That means obviously protecting them against being molested, but it also means not requiring them to make nice with someone who is not safe.

 

Having to be polite and in company with someone who is not safe WILL be a betrayal of your children's trust. It's horribly damaging. 

[Annie G]

 

 

Anyways, for the last 5 years they have lived out of state and we have only seen the man a few times, since it’s usually only grandma who comes to visit. I think they came out once or twice together and stayed with us, and the visits were fine. 

 

NOW, This all is coming to light again because he's coming to town for 2 weeks and though he wont be staying with us, he will be in and out of the house or in the yard doing repairs. He's working on his ex wifes home too I guess.

 

 

 

 

You have reason to keep your kids from being alone with the guy.  Are you trying to keep them from being around him when you are there, also? If so, what changed from when he came and stayed at your house the one or two times you mentioned above?

 

I think you're in a tough spot because since he and MIL own the house you live in, you're going to have to let him do the work. Like others said, being away from home sounds like a great plan. Failing that, make sure the kids are never alone with him.   

 

How does your ds feel about the guy?  Like, does he feel safe as long as you are there or is he uncomfortable with him no matter what?  I'd probably base my actions on how ds feels. 

 

 

So sorry you're having to deal with this- hope the repairs go quickly!

[TechWife]

The fact that your mother in law owns the house may not give him a right to enter at will. Find out what the landlord access laws in your state are and if you can refuse access to her husband. While you may not be able to refuse the workers being on your property, you should have the right to refuse specific people who endanger the health and well being of your family. Of course, this is just my option, not a legal opinion! 

Edited February 23, 2016 by TechWife

[Jan in SC]

Can't you just leave town for vacation or go to your mom's for the week? I wouldn't stay there. I think it's probably time to find a new place to live if your mil didn't believe you.

[angelica]

Jsut to claridy the situation:

-this man is married to your MIL

-you MIL owns the house you now live in

-he is supervising and/or doing repairs on the house his wife owns

-he knows the garage code to get in to your house at any time

-you accidentally texted your MIL and she now knows what your son said, but you haven't talked to her since her initial vehement denial that it could have happened.

 

Just wanted to make sure I have all those facts straight before we start offering advice!

 

YES TO ALL OF THE ABOVE!

 

Ugh.

 

Well, what a great time to go to the museum all day. Take your MIL there if needed. Given his overt disavowals and what your son said, I'd be concerned he's looking for an excuse. I'd be out all day long.

 

Why is he staying with his ex-wife? Did I miss that? Was that because you already refused?

He never asked to us because he has to know it wouldn't go over. He's still friends with the ex, their son killed himself and it was hard for them. Eventually he met mil and they moved in together (dh was 13/14) at the time and he just lived with mil until they decided they wanted to get married after 10 years together. At that point they divorced but all 3 of them are friendly. 

 

change the code.    You can look that up online and it will walk you through it.  MIL's house or not, I would not be comfortable with anyone having a code or key to my house.  I know formal lease/rental agreements are different and they have access but given this is your MIL, i think you could get by with having new codes and keys.

I will talk to dh about that. 

 

You say your son wants to see him.  IME if you let that happen, your son may develop guilt over his mixed feelings.  Talking from personal experience here.  I think it is OK to say hi and smile on the way in and out the door.  But Groper doesn't get to bond with your kids any more, I'm sorry.  It's a sucky deal, but Groper is the one who spoiled things with his actions.

 

 

He hasn't expressed desire to see him but last time he was here they were all playing a board game for hours. That of course was with mil and husband at table too. That's what I'm worried about the most, the mixed feelings that can develop over time. I remember when we visited them in texas a few years ago and they were in the lake and im like honey you need to go out there and be on the same raft as your child. He does not need to be bunched up next to him. If it was his blood grandpa I wouldn't care because I know his blood grandpa is not a creeper.

 

But even then on that trip I was "too polite'' to speak up and preoccupied with my clingy toddler. My husband and I were both very adept at keeping him with us the whole time though and as far as i know nothing happened. But that's the bonding stuff I want to avoid moving forward! 

[Scarlett]

YES TO ALL OF THE ABOVE!

 

He never asked to us because he has to know it wouldn't go over. He's still friends with the ex, their son killed himself and it was hard for them. Eventually he met mil and they moved in together (dh was 13/14) at the time and he just lived with mil until they decided they wanted to get married after 10 years together. At that point they divorced but all 3 of them are friendly. 

 

I will talk to dh about that. 

 

He hasn't expressed desire to see him but last time he was here they were all playing a board game for hours. That of course was with mil and husband at table too. That's what I'm worried about the most, the mixed feelings that can develop over time. I remember when we visited them in texas a few years ago and they were in the lake and im like honey you need to go out there and be on the same raft as your child. He does not need to be bunched up next to him. If it was his blood grandpa I wouldn't care because I know his blood grandpa is not a creeper.

 

But even then on that trip I was "too polite'' to speak up and preoccupied with my clingy toddler. My husband and I were both very adept at keeping him with us the whole time though and as far as i know nothing happened. But that's the bonding stuff I want to avoid moving forward! 

 

 

Danger Will Robins.  HUGE red flag for me.  Have you talked to your dh about how this man treated him when he moved in with him and his mom?   If the man is a molester there is a HUGE chance he did something to your dh.  And your dh may not be able to deal with it which may in turn be keeping him from dealing with it now in regards to his own son.  

 

Please please please keep this man out of your family's life.  He would never lay eyes on any of my children.  

[Scarlett]

YES TO ALL OF THE ABOVE!

 

He never asked to us because he has to know it wouldn't go over. He's still friends with the ex, their son killed himself and it was hard for them. Eventually he met mil and they moved in together (dh was 13/14) at the time and he just lived with mil until they decided they wanted to get married after 10 years together. At that point they divorced but all 3 of them are friendly. 

 

I will talk to dh about that. 

 

He hasn't expressed desire to see him but last time he was here they were all playing a board game for hours. That of course was with mil and husband at table too. That's what I'm worried about the most, the mixed feelings that can develop over time. I remember when we visited them in texas a few years ago and they were in the lake and im like honey you need to go out there and be on the same raft as your child. He does not need to be bunched up next to him. If it was his blood grandpa I wouldn't care because I know his blood grandpa is not a creeper.

 

But even then on that trip I was "too polite'' to speak up and preoccupied with my clingy toddler. My husband and I were both very adept at keeping him with us the whole time though and as far as i know nothing happened. But that's the bonding stuff I want to avoid moving forward! 

 

 

Understandable but not acceptable.  When we know better we do better.  Your son has already received the mixed message that we keep being friendly to people who have harmed us.  Set that record straight with your son TODAY.  Tell him you were wrong in the past to 'go along to get along' and you will never do that again. 

Edited February 23, 2016 by Scarlett

[TechWife]

oops 

 

Edited February 23, 2016 by TechWife

[zoobie]

You protect your son. You do not allow the person who touched him in, around, or near your child. I would call a professional who deals with sexual abuse for advice.

[momto10blessings]

No way would this man ever step foot in my house or anywhere near my chikdren. NO WAY!!!

[dirty ethel rackham]

Angelica,

 

My heart goes out to you and your family.  Have personal experience with something similar.  The fact that the perpetrator is charming is not at all surprising.  They often are.  That is how they get access to children so easily.  Also, having others doubt the story is an unfortunately common situation because, well, "he is just so charming, he'd never hurt a flea."  To believe you would mean having to accept that her radar for judging people is completely off.  She would also have to acknowledge her complicity in the act.  So, it is much easier to believe that you and your child have lied.  

 

Just because your MIL owns the house does not mean this man has any stake in the property unless she has taken steps to include his name on the deed. 

 

You do not need to let this person in your house nor around your kids.  You can refuse this person.  Change the garage code ASAP.   Change the locks if you can.  Arrange not to be home if you cannot control having this person come around.  I agree with Faithmanor that this IS a hill to die on.  Your child needs to know that you WILL project him. 

[Katy]

I'd pack up the kids and leave town on a sudden camping or road trip.  I hear the San Diego zoo is beautiful this time of year, and it's a nice time for a road trip past the Grand Canyon.

[Guest]

You need to understand that a victimizer who turns around and does things like play board games with the child they abused in the presence of the child's parents and grandmother, is emotionally abusing them. Sitting there with all his trusted people acting like everything is fine EVEN THOUGH HE TOLD HIS MOTHER WHAT THAT MAN DID....is that awful man getting away with hurting your son more, with your implied approval.

 

This ja does not need to be alone with your child to hurt him, now. He can hurt him just bey being around. Please get the idea that he can only hurt him if you're not there out of your mind.

 

 

[dirty ethel rackham]

You need to understand that a victimizer who turns around and does things like play board games with the child they abused in the presence of the child's parents and grandmother, is emotionally abusing them. Sitting there with all his trusted people acting like everything is fine EVEN THOUGH HE TOLD HIS MOTHER WHAT THAT MAN DID....is that awful man getting away with hurting your son more, with your implied approval.

 

This ja does not need to be alone with your child to hurt him, now. He can hurt him just bey being around. Please get the idea that he can only hurt him if you're not there out of your mind.

 

I couldn't just like this.  I had to quote it.  It is absolutely true! 

 

This kind of implied approval is not just about sexual abuse, but physical and emotional abuse as well.  My parents often forced me to socialize with the kid who bullied me for years, due to the fact that they were friends with my bully's parents.  I never forgave them for forcing me to go to their lakehouse for the weekend instead of staying back and sleeping over at a friends' house.  I had to spend an entire weekend trying to avoid a mean kid and actually did some stupid stuff that could have been very dangerous, just to try to get away from this person. 

 

My message here is that not standing up for your kid, saying nothing, letting the status quo is tacit approval.  Do whatever is in your power to avoid giving that message. 

 

[TranquilMind]

OK, I re-read the OP and saw that he will not be staying with you but will be in your house and yard doing repairs.

 

Don't let him in your house. Don't let him in your yard. You don't need the repairs that badly. Does the house by chance belong to your mom? That would complicate things I guess. Worst case you could take the kids and go elsewhere if he has to be there.

 

Probably it would be best to go ahead and tell your MIL about your concerns; if she refuses to take them seriously then you will know that you cannot trust her to put the welfare of your kids first; that's a good thing to know. (ETA apparently I can't read about this kind of issue with a clear head, I see MIL knows and did dismiss things. This is not her call to make)

 

You're not judging and condemning the guy, you are taking appropriate precautions based only reasonable evidence that he may be a risk to your kids. This is just like buckling them into car seats as babies even though the chance of getting in an accident is relatively small for any individual car trip: you know the chance is there, so you take precautions.

Exactly!  Why does he need to be at your house repairing anything?  Not understanding why he needs to be around if he is not staying with you. 

Edited to say that I get it now.  He is married to your MIL so she can have him do repairs at her house (in which you live).  If you are renting, you cannot change the locks.  Do change the garage code though.

 

Leave or simply tell him that he can't come inside.  Keep your kids in or leave for the time period, if she insists on him doing inside repairs.   

 

 

Edited February 23, 2016 by TranquilMind

[El...]

Be tough!  This is the time that your son learns what it means to be a parent of strength and wisdom.  If you drop the ball or wimp out, you will teach him something indelibly destructive.

 

Do what you need to do to keep your kids safe, emotionally and physically.  I bet you already have your to-do list in mind, but if it helps, here are some ideas: 

 

 - lock that garage up tight.  You might change that code; if not, lock the door that goes from the garage to the house.  If you need to replace that knob with one that locks, you can do it yourself with a screwdriver.  Keep the old one so you can put it back when you move out.  A doorknob with pair of keys costs $10-18 at Walmart.

 

 - alarm your doors and windows so they "chime" when opened.  That way, if people are working outdoors and happen to come inside for some reason, you can hear a loud "DING" and meet them at the door.  Follow them around.  Escort them back out.  "DING!  Oh, you came in to use the bathroom?  I see.  You're done now?  Good luck out there!"  The work crew should wonder what's up with your level of vigilance.  They should feel uncomfortable under your watchful eyes.  You can buy magnetic alarms at the dollar store or Walmart ($3 each).

 

 - Prepare canned dismissal statements, so you can use them WITHOUT a welcoming smile if this person tries to be friendly.  "Oh, we are busy.  We can't talk now.  C'mon, kids."  "No, I can't have you eat indoors today.  We are having a working school lunch."  "No, the boys can't come out and watch this morning.  We have too much to do."  Practice your firm, unsmiling delivery.

 

 - Engage your kids.  They can do school and crafts at the kitchen table with you, if you are all home, or go to the park with your eyes on them. 

 

 - A vacation or a fews days of field trips are great ideas. 

 

 - Your MIL may rate a short explanation, but not an argument.  You are very, very busy and do not have time to get into the weeds on this, but you've made your decision and will not be spending social time with so-and-so. 

 

I hope you read this in the encouraging spirit in which I intend.  This is your time to be a heroic parent.  Get to it, woman! 

[East Coast Sue]

You've already made it a priority to protect your child which is great.  From my experience, it will be difficult for you to stay in your home with him near your property, because those who aim to harm a child are charming and "harmless" in the opinion of others.  It is possible that other people (even those who love you) will enable him to harm your son. I'm also concerned because of your dh being around this guy while he was a teenager.  You really might need to leave on a short vacation/long field trip and stay with someone else until the guy leaves town. 

 

No matter what, you need to know this-

1. This will not be easy.  The right choices/answers will feel wrong in some way or another even when you know that you are right. Just don't expect to have a feeling of peace about your decision to protect your son. 

2. This problem will not go away.

3. You and your husband should seek counseling to make sure anything he or your son experienced can be discussed in a safe environment where you can get the help you need to move forward together.

 

((((Hugs)))) I'm sorry you have to live out this nightmare, but I'm so proud of you and your son!

[MegP]

If you allow this man around your children, CPS can take them away. It is called Failure to protect in the law.

[El...]

I would like to add that depending on the age and temperament of my son, I might have him help with these modifications.  I wouldn't want to freak him out, but I'd make sure he knew I was taking his word seriously and going to protect him and his siblings.  He should know to come to you right away if he is EVER uncomfortable, and that you will not chicken out to keep peace with other grownups.

[sbgrace]

I wouldn't sleep well if I knew he had possible access to my house. Can you stay with your mom during his visit? If I had to be in the house my kid/kids would be sleeping with me.

 

I don't think you want anymore contact with him, no matter who is also present at the time. It does send mixed messages--to your son, your MIL, and him.

 

What a sad situation. I'm sorry.

Edited February 23, 2016 by sbgrace

[Ravin]

Given your son's age at the time, and the seriousness of the accusation, and so forth, I would take your son seriously about having been made uncomfortable by this man's touch in the past, and make it very clear that he does not have to have any contact with this person, and also lay down ground rules that while the man is around, he is at no time to be alone with any of your children or to have physical contact with them. Make that ground rule clear to him as well--at this point, it is also in his best interests to avoid the appearance of possible impropriety that could leave him open to future accusations (or temptation, depending on whether it was a child's misunderstanding or an intentional inappropriate action).