How to keep HSING with borderline personality disorder?

[bookwormsix]

I was diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago.

I am not currently on meds.

I am expecting 5th child.

I have strong convictions to HS, although if there was a better alternative, and felt that it was best for child, I'd consider public school.

Oldest child is 8 and has been HS formally for two years.

She has been having severe behavioral issues that have escalated to the point that I've had been referred to clinical psychology.

My mental illness has improved to such a degree that I don't actually meet criteria according to the DSM. And most of the time i am high functioning or at least average. But under times of normal life stress, especially pregnancies , post partum , sleep deprivation some of the symptoms are triggered. Ie thinking distortions and deregulation of emotions, severe anixty ( I can't grocery shop, and stop outside programs) ( it's too overwhelming to load everybody up on time and the running around makes me swirly) and depression ( I feel miserable and dread getting out of bed, everything is too overwhelming and i start to feel depressed)

These episodes are unexpected because I just try getting on with life and doing my best no matter how i feel, I try not to allow these things to stop me. But sometimes they do. There are days where " i just can't do it today" and I don't. Or weeks taken off here and there , or months due to babies.

I decide year by year whether to HS and this year we have decided to. The children are progressing in their academics. My daughter s behavioral issues get in the way of her daily work. Her moods swings can high jack hour,days...

Part of her challenging issues have made HSING a burden and stressful.

Looking for advice on how to managed the stressful times . How can I keep HSING with a Long term mental illness.

And how do I keep things afloat while I'm pregnant and have morning sickness and fatigue?

 

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[Hunter]

I can tell by your post that you don't meet the DSM criteria. But you are symptomatic of something and very self-aware of your symptoms. Honestly that can make you more stable than someone who has never been diagnosed or taken a hard look at herself.

[maize]

Hugs to you, one of my siblings has a BPD diagnosis and has to work very, very hard just to manage things in everyday life that come easily for most people.

 

The best advice I can offer is to view your disability the same way you would a moe obvious disability such as blindness. It does not define who you or and what you can do, but it is a reality you have to work around. It's OK if that means fewer outside activities, or letting someone else teach the kids, or eating cold cereal for supper every night.

 

Do you have any money available that you could use to hire a mothers helper to come in and give you a bit of a break during the week? Ask in your local homeschool group if there is a teenage girl who would be interested in the job. Take some time every day to practice mindfulness. If you can, teach your children to do the same.

 

Come hang out with us for support; there are weekly accountability threads on the general education board, and daily "who's going to tackle (Tuesday, Thursday, etc) threads on--I think the chat board? You could jump in on either of those. The folks on the Special Needs board are also very helpful and some of us have emotionally volatile kids we are dealing with as well.

[AK_Mom4]

<Hugs>

 

You might find it beneficial to search the boards here for hsing children with chronic illness.  It sounds like right now you are in a state where you are dealing with not only your ongoing illness (well managed) and pregnancy, but your children's increasing medical issues.

 

I have been down that road and what I needed to do during that time was to focus on what was going well and set aside the things that I felt like I *should* be doing but that were grinding us both down daily.  Not set aside forever, but while your child is in the diagnosis and early treatment phase.

 

Track for several days everything that you are doing for hsing and note how each thing is going.  See if there is a pattern (time of day, subject, interuptions) that can help you identify the "bad spots".  Setting aside format math or grammar for a few months is not a terrible failure - at age 8 DD14 spent three months doing just reading and science experiments while we went thru yet-another-medical-crisis.  Movies, educational computer games, free trials to starfox and Time For Learning all helped us get thru to the other side.

 

And I echo the advise about the Special Needs board at WTM - the ladies there are really helpful and have many good ideas about kids in crisis.

Edited February 21, 2016 by AK_Mom4

[Critterfixer]

I don't know anything about the mental health issue mentioned, but I would strongly suggest making another person accountable for keeping you aware of your mental health state. It's very easy to feel aware of issues and yet not be aware of how the actual situation. I'm going from my experience of depression, which made it virtually impossible for me to see anything objectively. I would certainly be very aware of my emotional state, but the reality of life was so colored by my dark outlook that I couldn't trust myself to judge. Add to that a strong sense of despair and a desire to not make any choices (because what would it matter?) and I was in no fit state to do more than get my clothes on in the morning, if that! 

During that time I had to rely on DH to help me stay grounded with reality. There was a great deal he had to help me with just to function. I could trust him when I couldn't trust myself. So my first advice to you would be to have a safe, trustworthy, compassionate third party as part of any decision making process. It's just something that I found to be very helpful in depression. I don't know how it would work with other mental health issues. 

[kiwik]

Yeah I find I am the last person to notice when my depression flares.

[Pen]

I agree that SN/Learning Challenges   and Chronic Illness Moms areas here might be of help.

 

My views are colored having read your other thread, but honestly, I think the pressures from your oldest dd's behaviour problems, plus total number of children and pregnancy would be basically too much for most moms to manage homeschooling even if not having their own emotional difficulties.

 

There is one mom on here 8fillstheheart, I believe, who has a special needs eldest child, and yet was able to homeschool a large family, but I don't think the eldest was having behaviour trouble like smearing feces on the walls as you described your dd to be doing, and I don't think she had her own disability to manage.

[Pen]

However, another possibility if you are determined to keep homeschooling everyone might be to let the schooling itself go until the new baby comes and you are more settled after a hmm, let's call it maternity leave from homeschool teaching. Then in future use summers to catch up for missed time now.

 

Or read the Self-Propelled Advantage (I think it is called), where the mom who wrote the book discovered that the big kids could take over their own schooling mostly at a time when she was not well enough, and that that actually worked better than when she was trying to actively school them.

[luuknam]

However, another possibility if you are determined to keep homeschooling everyone might be to let the schooling itself go until the new baby comes and you are more settled after a hmm, let's call it maternity leave from homeschool teaching.

 

That might be close to a year from now though, as it sounds like she's in the first trimester (if not, and you're still having significant morning sickness in the 2nd or 3rd trimester, talk to your doctor about how to reduce the morning sickness - I ended up on Zofran for it and it was quite helpful).

 

I'm still not entirely sure what you're looking for, advice-wise, but my kids like BrainPOP (and we get it for free through our school district's subscription). And when my kids get too much Netflix, I try to make sure it's documentaries or Magic School Bus and the like, not just any random thing (they get 30 min of electronics time per day that *they* get to decide how to use).

 

I do give outside activities priority because while my kids are good at academics for the most part, doing things with other kids is important (my oldest has high-functioning autism, and learning how to interact with others is more important for *us* to get done regularly than e.g. math, which is really easy for him). When I'm too anxious, I take klonopin and we're good to go.

 

I recently sat down with my oldest and talked to him about things that make him angry, and while I predicted most of the things he said made him angry, I was surprised by the way he ordered them. It didn't come up during this conversation (because we haven't missed any outside activities recently, nor frequently at any point), but my kids do get mad at me when we miss an outside activity. Not that I believe that kids should always get what they want (no way), but it sounds like your daughter is angry a lot so it might be worthwhile knowing what things she thinks are most important and would make her the most angry, and to take those into consideration, e.g. if she cares more about going to the library than going to swim, and you're having one of those days you just can't handle going both places, taking her preference into consideration.

 

FTR, when I grew up breakfast was bread (with jam or nutella or cheese or w/e) or cereal, lunch was bread, and dinner was a vegetable, potatoes, and meat. Almost every day (sometimes pasta for dinner). And that's how almost everyone ate; an entire western country (The Netherlands). Americans' hot meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner are rather weird to me (as in, who's got time/energy/money for that)? And it's not like the Dutch are less healthy for eating that way (the opposite, actually). So that would be one easy way to simplify things.

[Pen]

That might be close to a year from now though

 

 

The only child old enough to significantly need formal school is the 8YO with the problems though. Some whole countries do not have 5 or even 6 year olds doing formal school yet. And some people might suggest that perhaps the 8YO herself might be helped by time off from formal home school while she is evaluated and has her behaviour issues dealt with. 

[luuknam]

The only child old enough to significantly need formal school is the 8YO with the problems though. Some whole countries do not have 5 or even 6 year olds doing formal school yet. And some people might suggest that perhaps the 8YO herself might be helped by time off from formal home school while she is evaluated and has her behaviour issues dealt with. 

 

Right. In the other thread some people were saying routines might be helpful to the daughter. Given that I don't know the girl at all, I have no idea how either thing might play out. Academically it would probably not be a big deal to not do formal school for a year, assuming her mom is right that her daughter is on target with academics currently. It might help mom too to have a routine (beyond breakfast at this time, lunch at that, dinner at that). In fact, it might be a good idea to have two routines: the 'good days' routines, and the 'bad days' routines (which could be relatively similar to the 'good days' routines but with e.g. some documentaries filled in for the times when the 'good days' have things like grocery shopping or other outings on the schedule).

[bookwormsix]

Thank you all for your advice and concern.

I have taken many points of views and tips into consideration.

Will continue to work on these issues.

I have received all the specific advice i can handle.

very valuable.

thanks again