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Do you expect your children to care for you and never put you in a nursing home? (eldercare discussion)


fairfarmhand
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Title says it all.

 

I've been mulling these things over for the last little bit. It seems that people of my parent's generation seem to take pride (at least the ones I know) in "We never put Granny in the nursing home. We cared for her at home until she passed. " When you talk to them, you learn that Granny was in their home for a year or two, was bedfast for a month or two and then passed.

 

But to me, it seems that things have changed. Medically, people can live for a very long time with debilitating illnesses, needing intensive nursing care. So is this expectation ("Please, promise me you'll never put me in a nursing home") reasonable? In some families, especially single- parent families, that will be impossible because bills have to be paid, groceries have to be bought.

 

I also see a huge fear of people of nursing homes. And yet, I personally know many good people who work in nursing homes. The home my mom was in was fabulous and my dad was close to the employees there, with some of them attending her funeral. I can't make a blanket statement that every nursing home is horrible. It's apparent to me that the big difference in those who get excellent care is a family who visits multiple times per week, knows what Granny needs, and insists upon it.

 

I told my kids that I don't want them to care for me like that. I don't want them to have to clean me up multiple times per day, stress their marriages to the breaking point, and neglect their kids' needs for mine. (not saying that every eldercare situation is like this, but I can see the stress that it can put on many people and know that there is great potential for these problems to pop up when an eldercare situation goes on for months and years.) I'd rather they found me a nice place and came to see me, insisting on good care for me. I don't think it's unloving of them to not personally provide that care for me.

 

Does this seem cold of me? And why is there this big stigma against adult children finding a good place for their parents? I know adults who act all apologetic and list the reasons why they had to do this rather than doing it themselves.

 

I mean, if you can provide that level of care for a parent, and it works well with your family dynamic, then great. But what if it doesnt? Why the shame?

 

Do you expect your kids to take care of you and never put you in a home?

 

(please know, there's no judging going on here. I just need to discuss this. I wish everyone's choice could be respected that they did the best they could for their individual situation)

 

ETA: This is what I want for MYSELF. My children. I know other generations have other ideas about things and that's okay. I'm just considering how my senior years will look for my family.

Edited by fairfarmhand
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I have no expectations of that nature.  I've no idea what my situation will be like, what my kids' will be like, etc.  I expect my kids to do the best they can if a time comes that their dad or I (or both!) need help.(ETA: Meaning: they help me to have a place to live that works for them.)  I hope we have enough assets that we are not a burden on them.

 

I've known people who promised their parents they'd never put them in a nursing home. The burden was great in many cases, though not in all. 

 

 

Edited by marbel
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DD17 wants to be an anesthesiologist.  She insists that she will take care of me.  Her grand plan (LOL) is that I will help take care of her through her 12 years of college.  Then a few years of paying off half a milllion + in student loans and then, her and my lives, will be golden.  LOL   She plans to have a house for her and I on the same property.  I will be her pet sitter and take care of the house, and possibly kids, if that happens.  There I am supposed to live, side by side with her and her family until the end.  She will have staff take care of me when I get too old to take care of my self.

 

She has it all planned out.  

 

I have to say that I love the fact that my 17yo dd, wants me around for the (hopefully) next 50 years. 

Edited by Tap
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No, I think that's a lot to ask. Anything can happen. I just hope I can manage to live on my own (or with minimal help) in my later years. But I would hate to be in a nursing home unless my mind was gone. My dad was in a nursing home for a couple of weeks after an unexplained "episode" and it was horrible. I mean, the place itself was fine. The nurses seemed kind and attentive, etc. but the people who were there (dad was in the skilled nursing part) were so depressing. My mom's cousin moved there recently and has Parkinson's. His wife cannot care for him at home, but his mind is there. I felt so bad for him. What do you do all day? He hates it there. My dad hated it there, but fortunately he was able to recover enough to come home.

Edited by KrissiK
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Hmmm we won't put our parents in a nursing home unless medically necessary. That's part of why I'm in nursing school. We plan on buying a home with enough property to build two cabins for them (one for dh's parents and one for my mom) so that they will be nearby to provide care but everyone will have their own space. If they should need more care the we can provide then I will find the best home for them that is close enough for me to visit at least a couple times a week (and probably make the cnas lives a living hell if they are not providing proper care)

Edited by MomtoCandJ
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Um, no. If it works out for my children, we'll pursue that option, but I certainly do not have that expectation of them (of course, at my kids' ages, I can't ever imagine them being able to care for me; they can't get the dishes in the dishwasher reliably. :001_rolleyes: )

 

According to my mother, she does not expect that of us. As a matter of fact, my mom is pretty insistent that we not take that on. She does not want to be put some place fancy. i think she is really hoping she does not live that long, so it won't have to be an issue my sibling and I have to deal with.

 

I seriously doubt my ILs feel that way either. 

 

I am sorry you are feeling judged. I think we are in a bit of transition with eldercare. People are living much longer (we have a great grandmother that is 96 and a great uncle that is 95 between both dies of our families!). My mother has dealt with eldercare issues for the last 20 years and has very strong feelings on our participation in her eldercare. I feel like the social norms and expectations are shifting, so I imagine my kids will have a very different view of their role in the process than people just two or three generations before them did. (of course, if Kurzweil is correct the future is going to be crazy and I can hardly imagine the aging issues my kids and grandkids will be dealing with. Do you want to download your conscience to be put in a newer body model?)

Edited by AppleGreen
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Nope. I expect to die right at the point when I can't take care of myself. Or I plan to have enough money that I can pay for in-home care as needed.

 

But since I don't always get what I want, and it's very unlikely that I'll get either of those things, then I want my children to feel like they can put me in a nursing home if necessary or move me in with them if they choose that. Living with my children full-time and living in a nursing home full-time sound equally unappealing to me and I want them to make the choice that works best for them.

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I have zero expectation of this from my own kids.  DH's parents and my mother (and my father who died last year) also had no expectations in this regard.  I don't think everyone can or should be a long term care giver for the elderly.  I've seen instances of people actually being healthier and enjoying life more in assisted living and nursing home situations. 

 

I think when kids launch and have their own families THAT should be their first priority.  There are many angles to consider when adding someone to your house.

Edited by WoolySocks
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No way.

 

But this thread reminds me of a funny story. One Christmas when my estranged, black sheep brother rolled into town we were sitting with my mom in her house. A TV ad came on for a new assisted living facility and my mom casually mentions, "when it's time you can put me in a place like this." My brother pipes up, "oh never mom!! We would never let you live you there. You will live with (my name!) and her family!!"

 

::crickets crickets:: until my hubby nervously changed the subject.

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If you're thinking about these issues, you might be interested in reading the book Being Mortal

 

 

I second this.  Everything I think about this issue is summed up nicely in that book. 

 

I'm trying to get everyone in my family to read it so we all know where the others are coming from when one of us is at the end of life.

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No. It would be an unreasonable expectation to expect my kids to put their lives on hold to take care of me.

I very much hope that I won't need this type of care; neither of my grandmothers did. If it does come to it, I hope to have my affairs in order and my long term care arranged without being a burden on my children. But I really hope I can conveniently fall off a mountain before it comes to that point.

 

Now this said: I can imagine at some point living with one of my children. My grandmother lived with us and it was a win-win situation for all involved. But I would not expect that, and would definitely not want them to provide nursing care.

Edited by regentrude
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I have no expectations at all. But my parents do. Dad has stage IV adenocarcinoma, cannot be put into remission but with pallative care could live for a year to eighteen months. My parents very much expect that my brother and I will put our lives on hold, turn our children's lives completely upside down to care for him, and take what little savings we have for their college to pay for medical bills not covered by insurance. I am homeschooling a highschool senior and sophomore, and still to some degree recovering from the car accident I was in 19 months ago which has left me with residual health issues. I cannot juggle all of their issues (dad has legal problems on top of the medical) and be remotely fair to my kids not to mention that for the first time in 27.5 years of marriage, dh and I started to have marital problems this past autumn when I was guilt tripped into caring for them 24/7.

 

I hit a crisis point and chose my husband and sons, setting boundaries in which I give them one 24 hr. period per week of care and will drive to one medical appointment per week; they must hire help, make do, or put him in a facility. I do their grocery shopping and cook two evening meals per week. I think that is reasonable, and they know that if he deteriorates or they have an emergency, call immediately. I also pay for medical alert for each of them. My brother stays one night per week, takes care of mom's car, shovels their drive, and sil takes him to his bi-weekly bloodwork appointments.

 

My paternal grandmother lived for five years after her stroke due to extensive medical intervention. Dad refused to put his mother in a facility, and guilt tripped my mother into being her full time care giver despite health problems of her own and arthritis. It destroyed my mom's health, a problem we are facing now on top of dad's issues. I have sworn to my own kids that I will walk out into the woods, sit down in a wildflower patch, and wait to be overcome before I will ever consider doing to them what my parents have tried to do to me. It came so close to tearing this family apart!

 

Medical advancements are a two edged sword, and especially when end of life/quality of life concerns are addressed. My hope, though this sounds inhumane and awful, is that dad will pass soon while mom's health can actually improve so she can live with us or across the road and enjoy her grand children, new great grandchild, hobbies like quilting, and the volunteer work she values so highly.

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No......... both of my parents have made it clear that they don't want to live with their kids, that they'd rather be in assistive living and then a nursing home. I still can't imagine being old enough to need it but I don't want my kids to have stress in their marriages because I need help. Like my parents, we've planned so that we don't have to be a burden on them.

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No. I do not want my kids to have to care for me.

 

On the other hand, even though my parents feel the same way (do not want to burden us in any way), I would/will do everything in my power to care for them and keep them out of a home as long as possible, because I agree with a PP that homes are depressing.

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No to all of the questions.  

 

I honestly don't think that the kids should be stuck with that sort of burden.  Stuck isn't the best word, but in the end, that's what comes to mind as the most straightforward way to say it.

 

 

There are so many options out there now.  There are apartments/duplexes where they can still be mostly independent, with the option of meals, no lawn care, and the reassurance of help being near if need be.  There is assisted living with full time nursing staff who are there to help when needed; then there is full-time care.  There are so many levels to it (I work at a retirement and rehab facility) and there are so many options, it's not like immediately going straight into a hospital-like room where you're taken care of like an invalid 24-7 (many people never need that level of care).  

 

Honestly, a lot of people love living in the assisted living and independent living portions of it because there are things to do in their little community, as opposed to being alone at home all the time.  My great-grandmother lived at home alone until she passed away at 92, but she had 8 kids, many of whom lived nearby and stopped in to see her regularly.  I think a lot of the people don't have anyone to see on a regular basis, so they come in to assisted living or the apartments and are happy to make friends, go on outings, play bingo, whatever.  There are always groups of people sitting out on the sidewalk in front of our coffee shop, that the kids stop and talk to when we go in.  I think that for some people, a life there is actually better than it would be if they were at home alone.

 

The only downside I've seen is when people are in there for a very long time and aren't able to do the fun things anymore - I don't see them get visitors often.  However, it's entirely possible that these people don't realize it.  

 

And a personal pet peeve that I WILL be telling my kids:  FOR PITY'S SAKE, whether my mind is sharp as a tack and it's just my body giving up on me or it's my mind, PLEASE, oh PLEASE, FIX MY FREAKING HAIR before you take me to a restaurant or a family gathering!!!  :lol:  Seriously.  Just run a brush through it, make it look like I've NOT been sitting in bed for the last several hours!!  :lol: :lol:

 

Ahem.  But other than that, no pressure whatsoever.  :D

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I think that seniors homes and nursing facilities are an excellent choice for elder care. Families are for *loving* each other. Medical professionals are for providing medical care. To me, wondering if I will become an amateur nurse for an extended period of time doesn't make much sense. If I thought there were some extrodinary benefit, to doing that work myself, I'd consider it... But I don't see the point, unless the available care setting just isn't providing good quality of life.

 

But I'm in a universal healthcare country, so maybe that changes my perspective. I don't know if many people are doing actual medical elder care at home in my country. I know some who have done hospice-at-home (not treatment, and not for long) and some who have lived together with elderly parents who had low medical needs (with home-care assistance with that side of things) when the co-living was more about not being alone, cooking, cleaning, and driving. It seems to be the norm to seek medical settings once a certain degree of ongoing medical care is needed.

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Hubby's paternal grandma who is close to a hundred years ago stays with his single aunt and has a live-in aide which all the children help pay for to the best of their financial ability. It is cheaper than the cost of a typical nursing home in their area and less isolating.

 

My parents do not expect my brother or I to take care of them as my mom would need a nursing aide and the house would need to be retrofitted for her needs. My in-laws would expect my BIL to take the surviving parent in if one parent pass as my BIL has a live-in domestic helper since marriage and also has the biggest house as well as an open floor plan. My SIL house layout is less friendly, both work long hours and they have no helper all along.

 

We don't even know which country we will be in the future so no way we expect our kids to take us in for old age.

 

My late uncle was in a nursing home that isn't good but he was an alcoholic, womaniser and wife beater so his five children were already being nice by paying for what they could afford rather than have him ill and homeless. They would spot check to make sure he wasn't ill treated because they saw patients with less visitors who were neglected. He died from alcohol related illness.

Edited by Arcadia
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I absolutely do not expect my kids to care for me.  My mother was pressured by her family to take in my grandfather. He really needed a higher level of care than we could provide in our home. It was so hard on our family. And, in the end it was humiliating for him. I had to bath him when I was 15, that was terrible for him, I am sure he died inside. But, there was no choice. He had a colostomy and was covered in poop and his memory was so poor he couldn't remember how to take care of himself.  He smoked constantly, with emphysema, and almost burned the house down.

 

The stories go on and on.

 

But, what we all, including my mother, took from that, was that if there come a time that she can't take care of herself, she wants professionals handling it.  She is a nurse and has worked in geriatrics, and she knows what it can look like, good and bad. She would still rather not have us do it.

 

I would never, ever do that to my kids. And I don't want my sons or their partners or my grandchildren changing my diapers or feeding me. Nope.

 

I highly recommend the book "Can't we talk about something more pleasant".  It is an amazing graphic novel, written about this topic. 

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If I'm at a stage where I just need a little assistance, and the kids and I can stand each other at that age, then I'd rather be with them. Family is very important. However, if I need more care, then I want a professional. If that can't be handled at home, then that means a nursing home. That's what they're there for! My kids' obligation at that point is making sure that they visit reasonably frequently, call more often, and ensure that the place we pick isn't really one of those super awful places you read about in the news. (And also that there's no forced socialization. Some autistics are extroverted. I'm not one of them.)

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My parents are in their early sixties and put my paternal grandfather in a nursing home when care for him becomes overwhelming. I don't see them as having that sort of attitude.

 

I don't have eldercare plans for my parents, let alone myself. As the child who lives closest, I expect I will have the primary responsibility. I hope there will be better options if my parents can no longer care for themselves.

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Well, since dh's family seems to have greater longevity than mine, I expect he'll be the one taking care of me, if I need it.  However, if it comes down to the dc, I do expect they'll do what they can.  That may not mean taking me in to live with them, but I do expect that they will be involved in decision-making and in visiting me often, wherever I may be.  

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Absolutely not. I have no expectations. They will have to cross that bridge when we come to it and I don't want them to put their life on hold indefinitely that is a lot to ask. I honestly, don't want to be a burden.

 

 

That being said I have three sets of parents (including in laws, step-parents etc.) and a brother with Down Syndrome and a brother in law with mental disabilities. It is highly likely that someone or multiple people will end up living with us. But for the extreme bed ridden care as mentioned above with rolling them, cleaning them, etc. I will have to say I will see when the time comes. Will I have health issues myself? Will I need medical training etc? I can't honestly say. I also think for certain things it is more comfortable for a stranger or nurse to do something for you.

 

 

We have had light hearted joking about one mother pushing another mother's wheelchair down the stairs. :) I certainly couldn't have all my mother's under one roof. Whooo-eee.

 

Life is full of surprises. I can't imagine having something like that as a firm expectation at my age or older. How many expectations were completly fulfilled so far? Perhaps my life had more unexpected things happen then others? I doubt it.

 

As I watched my Grandfather in law care for my Grandmother in law for ten years while her Alzheimer's became worse and worse I looked at my husband and said, " I couldn't take care of you like that. I'm not physically strong enough to help you or guide you or restrain you to keep you from doing something crazy if you were that mentally gone." He is twice my size so I simply couldn't alone as an older woman. It made me sad that he could if he chose continue to carry me if I fell or guide me when I'm lost but I couldn't reciprocate but it is just a fact of life. If he needed help down the stairs and fell on me we would probably just both die. At least we would die together I guess. Sorry, a bit of a tangent there.

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Major cultural disconnect here!

 

For my Dh and his family the expectation is VERY much that we will take care of elderly parents and our kids will take care of us.

 

It is ingrained and a regular part of conversations about the future.

 

I have to say, I greatly appreciate that if and when the time comes for me to take care of my parents I know Dh will completely be in agreement with having them with us.

 

I also appreciate that my kids don't look at growing up without also thinking about the responsibilities we all have towards each other.  That is how we view being part of a family unit.

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I don't know of a single person on my, or dh's, side of the family that has ever been put into a home or facility to care for them. We've had dementia, Parkinson's, cancer, etc. but they've all been taken care of by family at home. I plan on taking care of my mom and in laws (or any other family) that needs it. A facility would be way down the line and the very last option. 

 

I don't expect my dds to feel the same though and that is ok. 

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I took care of both of my parents until their deaths, in their mom and then in mine.

 

If DHs mom needed care and it fell to us to provide it, we would do that. His father is in hospice now but has made arrangements to stay in his home.

 

I intend to have my arrangements in place so that none of my kids is ever burdened with caring for me when I am old. I will be that obnoxious old lady who hogs the WII and the XBox in the nursing home every day.

Edited by AK_Mom4
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Expectations is too strong of a word. I would expect to have a home with one of my children if I couldn't live alone but didn't need nursing care. If I needed more help than they could reasonable provide, I would assume they would put me in a good nursing home. Neither my parents nor Dh's parents will go to a nursing home until there are no other options.

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I would hope that my kids would take care of me directly, but I won't be angry if they decide not to. I took care of my mom and both grandmothers before they passed, and was able to keep them out of nursing homes. It is hard for me to live without other women around, now.

 

It's part of my family culture, to take care of family personally. I grew up with my blind great-grandmother living in our home. At one point, we had some one else's grandmother living with us, too. Considering that we did (and still do) live in a 1000 sq ft house, it certainly wasn't the easiest thing I've ever done. But no one in my family had money for decent nursing homes anyhow. I don't expect I will, either.

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I find the phrase "put your parents in a nursing home" odd because that just isn't how it works in my family. My mom didn't make decisions like that for her parents. They put themselves in an assisted care facility. They made financial plans, and moved to the facility of their choice. Same on my dad's side. My only living grandparent is still doing really well and lives in a very nice assisted living facility. No one put her there. She moved in herself. She and her late husband did the research and planned financially for their retirement so that all of this is taken care of. My aunt takes her out for lunch or dinner several times a week and everyone visits as often as they can. 

 

I think adults making decision for other adults is odd unless one of the adults is no longer mentally able to make decisions. Assuming your children will take care of you is odd. If your children offer and both parties agree, that is great, but neither the parents nor the kids should make assumptions about something this major. No one is going to decide for me where I am going to live as a senior unless I'm no longer capable of making that decision. I plan to live in an assisted living facility when the time comes. I have no plans to take care of my parents or my in-laws personally, but my husband and I will contribute financially, if needed. To my knowledge everyone has things squared away financially, but if something unexpected comes up, we will help. They are all mentally competent adults. It just wouldn't occur to me to step in and try to make decisions for them. 

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There are a lot of questions in the OP, and I think some of them are rhetorical.

 

But yes, if Lord willing I get to be old and weak--and JUST old and weak--then yes. Absolutely I want and expect my kids to help me. Edit; I expect them to help me and NOT put me in a home.

 

If I get old and SICK....and need extensive, nearly round the clock care, such as needing to be rolled over every three hours til I die? That's a whole other ball of wax right. Cross that bridge if we come to it, and oh man oh man I hope we do not.

Edited by OKBud
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I hope my kids will be a part of my life and maybe provide minor helps while I can still live essentially independently.

 

But no, I do not expect my kids to embrace the idea of changing my Depends.

 

Honestly, it's a scary thought.  I don't want to be entrusted to some strangers with no real accountability.  I just hope I depart this plane before it comes to that.

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Well, taking my cue from my own mom, I wouldn't want my kids to have to stop their lives (and their kids' lives" to care for me on a day in /day out basis.  Senior care is evolving rapidly as the baby boomers age, and people are living longer than ever.  There are many options that weren't even imagined 20 years ago.  I expect that those options will expand even more during the next 20 or 30 years it will likely take before I need to be cared for.  My mom lives in an independent living facility that also offers assisted living.  She expects to move down the hall when she can no longer care for herself.  Eventually, she may need to be moved to a full care nursing home, but she hopes to just pass peacefully in assisted living, with the care of hospice doctor and nurses.  And she hopes my brothers and I will be there with her.  Those are her wishes.  I wouldn't expect more from my children.

 

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No way.

 

But this thread reminds me of a funny story. One Christmas when my estranged, black sheep brother rolled into town we were sitting with my mom in her house. A TV ad came on for a new assisted living facility and my mom casually mentions, "when it's time you can put me in a place like this." My brother pipes up, "oh never mom!! We would never let you live you there. You will live with (my name!) and her family!!"

 

::crickets crickets:: until my hubby nervously changed the subject.

 

Any time I'm out with my mom , when we drive by one of the elder care facilities in our city she says (jokingly) "Is that the one you're going to put me in?" and I say "No, Mom, I like the one downtown!"

 

I have no idea where that will all go with my parents in the long run. Only one of their four parents ended in a home and I think the home ended him in so many ways.

 

He was a fairly healthy man living alone on his farm (After the death of his second wife, not my grandmother)... and then he had a breakdown from which he didn't really recover. Sending him back to the farm was not possible and well... he was often MEAN and his son and daughter who lived close by had other pressing obligations (daughter's husband is chronically ill and son and his wife adopted their young grandchildren).It would be physically impossible for a man of that age to adjust to our altitude. And my dad's other sister is ummm flaky. So, he stayed in the home.

 

My dad is a lot like his dad, I cannot imagine him being patient with a home and with nursing care, etc. When he had cancer he was mean when in pain and under anesthesia. I don't mean a little unkind, tactless, and thoughtful -- I mean straight up MEAN. Hopefully one of my brothers is braver than I.

Edited by theelfqueen
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there are too many unknowns. to say never, is naïve.  there are also many, many options before a full-blown nursing home.

 

eta: I've a dear friend who put her dh in a senior home.  she could no longer care for him at home.  it was sad to  watch his decline (due to age) - I had great respect for him.  he was on hospice at that time, and didn't last very long.

Edited by gardenmom5
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They are all mentally competent adults. It just wouldn't occur to me to step in and try to make decisions for them. 

 

The thing is, there's mental competence and there's ingrained habits that, after decades, can lead to those decisions being taken out of a person's hands.

 

My mother lived in a house that slowly fell apart around her ears (extreme frugality plus inertia).  She has all her marbles but she was no longer able, physically or by habit, of taking care of it.  She ended up in hospital for three months and we persuaded her to come to live close to me.  It wasn't exactly her choice but it was the least-worst of the choices available to her: her old house (rotten stairs, gas leak, windows falling out, no family nearby); retirement facility (she hated the idea); staying with us and our finding somewhere small nearby where she could live independently.  She didn't want to do any of those things, but she needed to leave hospital - so she agreed reluctantly to come with me.  She's 91.

 

Did she make a choice?  You could see it that way or not.  By doing nothing and making no plans she, by default, chose to have others make decisions for her in the end.

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I wouldn't expect them to take care of me but multigenerational living is somewhat normative in our family culture. When the time comes, I anticipate my father will live with us until/if he needs round the clock skilled care. We are planing to buy a house with a MIL set up for him. Many of my aging aunts uncles live with their adult children. But it's not really a burden. One uncle, for example, helps out a lot with his disabled grandchild and the modest rent he pays is one reason why his daugher and her family were able to buy their first house.. When my father lived with us previously, he was providing much needed childcare support. We had my mother living with us from the time she had her last surgery until it was time for hospice. I cherish that time we had together.

 

That said, I see my husband and I being more likely to move into a small apartment or something. I'd only live with one of my sons if they wanted me too, if we lived in the same state, and if it was a mutually satisfactory arrangement with some privacy for all.

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I'd rather my kids take some part in caring for us as we are planning to do for our parents, and we are setting aside as much as possible to make that fairly painless. I'd like in home assistance before I'd move to a residential community or nursing home.

 

If we developed complicated medical issues or dementia I'd absolutely expect my kiddos to move us to a more suitable facility. If care became a true burden I wouldn't want to stay with them but in just a situation of being older/widowed and otherwise in good health? I'd prefer to stay with one of my adult children or board a grandchild who could help me with some basic home tasks while working or going to school.

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We have asked ours to make sure that wherever they put us is at least a good place (and hopefully a bit better than just good enough), and to come around to see us occasionally if we still know who they are.

 

My mum said exactly that when she was in her sixties.  Now that she is in her nineties, she views the idea with complete horror.

 

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