how do you teach a teen boundaries...

[bettyandbob]

I'm not sure that is the right word.

 

dd is going to a birthday party next week. It's a party for a girl she doesn't like. The girl is mean. The girl apparently planned a big party, renting space for her 16th bd. dd know many people have said they won't attend. dd says the girl is depressed and say she wants to go because she only knows one other person is going. The other person going is a friend of dd's. The girl is apparently much meaner to to dd's friend than to dd. But dd and this friend feel they need to go because the idea of no one at a party is awful and they both agree the girl is depressed. (perhaps the meanness is a symptom of her depression)

 

It would be one thing, if the girl was just someone who wasn't popular and dd decided to go just to be supportive and friendly. (dd has done that in the past) But I was surprised that the girl is mean and dd still feels the need to go. I asked why and dd said "well, she's so depressed. I don't want her to commit suicide." I tried to explain if something tragic like that happened it would not be the fault of dd or her friend whether or not the attend the party. I was trying to explain that she was not responsible for the choices of another. 

 

I'm fine with her going to the party. She spent her own money on a small present. I just want her to learn how to have healthy emotional boundaries. 

 

 

[Scarlett]

Teens often have very complex feelings. There are probably many factors at play....but I think she sounds like a lovely girl willing to go to a party so that there will be someone there at least.

 

It isn't as if she is going to keep the mean girl from being mean to her. That would be a more serious boundary issue to me.

[Chris in VA]

No answer, but I wanted to say your dd seems quite kind.

[Katy]

nm

Edited July 22, 2016 by Katy

[Mom22ns]

I think it sounds like she has healthy boundaries set. She isn't letting this girl push her around. She is making a choice to be kind to someone who needs to experience kindness. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

If she comes home in tears over how mean the girl is and wants to go hang out with her a few weeks later - then she needs to discuss boundaries. Right now, she is making an informed decision and I think it is a good one.

[bettyandbob]

Lots of girls in the popular crowd aren't actually friends, but frenemies.  Having been there, done that when I was a kid, let her go.  This is not the same thing as being manipulated to disrupt her own life to help someone repeatedly threatening suicide.

 

Sometimes frenemies turn into friends after going through something difficult together.  With all due respect, it's possible that in this situation your DD has better social skills than you.

 

ETA:  part of being in the popular crowd is learning to respond properly to little insults like that.  Do I encourage it?  No.  But not bursting into tears & running away means that she's worthy of being with them.  Messed up?  Yes.  But it also means that when she's away at college and some guy comes up and insults her as part of hitting on her, she'll be less likely to fall for manipulations like that.  It's just part of that crowd.  Have you ever seen Mean Girls?  It was a hit because it's true.

 

 

I never said I wouldn't let her go. In fact I said "I'm fine with her going to the party."  It would take some pretty extreme stuff for me to say no to this child going to an event. (I would probably never say no. I'd tell her I didn't like the idea and let her decide. I have another child I regularly said no to when he was a teen) She has shown good decision making and been a good judge of finding things that are safe and appropriate. 

 

It's the possibility of feeling responsible for someone else's depression or suicide that bothers me. It's something that she can't control and has done nothing to contribute to. One can feel and act compassionate without taking responsibility for another person's emotions. I think that's healthier. I also know it's very hard to do for some people. do. 

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Read the book, 

Queen Bees and Wannabes: Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World, by Rosalind Wiseman.  

[Jan in SC]

I don't have any thoughtful insight, but I really like your daughter.

 

ETA- Just in case - that isn't sarcastic. It's wonderful that she supports others in such an unconditional way. I hope my kids will have some of that ability. You must be very proud!

Edited February 16, 2016 by Jan in SC

[bettyandbob]

I don't have any thoughtful insight, but I really like your daughter.

 

ETA- Just in case - that isn't sarcastic. It's wonderful that she supports others in such an unconditional way. I hope my kids will have some of that ability. You must be very proud!

Thank you. I am very proud of her.

[Kathryn]

It doesn't sound like she feels responsible, it sounds like she has a generous dose of empathy for the girl. I think your daughter sounds like a lovely person.

[AmandaVT]

I'm reading this and thinking "man, I wish I had been as smart as your DD when I was a teen." She sounds lovely and like she has a great head on her shoulders.

[Arctic Bunny]

She may get burned over and over by being nice to people. Or she could develop some relationships that nobody thought possible. She may be closing in on 40 and still doing it. Sometimes people make mistakes (by being the mean girl) and maybe they need some support too.

As long as she knows that going to this party is because she wants to do this, whether the birthday girl is gracious, pouty, or meaner than ever and takes it out on the nice girls, not because it's a way to be friends with the birthday girl, or get on her good side.

[bettyandbob]

Ya'll have confirmed that this is not something to worry about. She really has become a great young adult.

 

I do the bulk of my worrying about her brothers. They give me a lot to worry about. I don't want her left out. But maybe I'll just focus that energy into just enjoying her company until she moves away.

 

Thanks everyone!

[SparklyUnicorn]

I guess I wonder what the girl does that is mean. 

[clementine]

Your daughter sounds mature & very kind.  I can picture my dd doing the same thing.  It sounds like her heart is in the right place & she knows this girl's true colors.  

 

She should go and support the birthday girl if she wants to, but she should also be aware that the birthday girl's behavior might be less than friendly.