How to help someone with depression who refuses help?

[Faithr]

This is a person who even before the big depression hit, had an aversion to going to the doctors.  Nothing anyone suggests or counsels seems to have any influence.  Things are spiraling out of control.  It is becoming a huge stressor for loved ones and sucking the life out of everything.  What to do?  People are on tender hooks not wanting to alienate this person further but something's got to give.  

 

I am being vague I know but gosh, has anyone dealt with something like this?  My own family has had people with depression but they've sought help.  I feel so badly for the people that are trying to help this person, who apparently has had minor bouts of depression before but nothing like this (since November) and is usually a great, fun, extrovert.  

 

 

[G5052]

Well, you don't. You keep trying of course, but not much you can do.

 

In our immediate family, we are not adverse to therapy and medication. 

 

But we have relatives on both sides who are, and they have been on the downward spiral for years. It doesn't get better as you age.

[Lanny]

I do not believe a 3rd party can do this for a person who needs help. Someone with a problem will not change if they do not want to change. It must come from within.   

[Faithr]

Ach!  That sucks.  What do you tell the spouse who calls you up and starts crying over the phone because they don't know what to do and life is becoming a living hell with this person?

 

Sigh.  

[regentrude]

Ach!  That sucks.  What do you tell the spouse who calls you up and starts crying over the phone because they don't know what to do and life is becoming a living hell with this person?

 

To get counseling for himsef/herself.

 

I ma sorry. This is very hard. But I agree with pp, there is nothing that can force the patient to seek help for his condition.

 

[Melinda in VT]

I think you try to help the spouse find ways to reduce the impact on them. This might mean separation, but it might just mean changing how the spouse responds to specific issues. I'd encourage the spouse to work on both financial and emotional independence.

[Plink]

First, recognize that your efforts may or may not work, and there is a 50% chance that they may interpret your help as an insult.  Does that mean that you shouldn't try?  I wish I had the answer.

 

What sometimes works:

• Tell your own story.  What helped when you were in a similar situation?
• Show up often.  Don't plan to do anything in particular, but listen and wait for an opportunity when they ask for opinions.
• Offer to call their primary care doctor for them.  Sometimes depression takes so much energy out of you that the thought of making a phone call is overwhelming.  Be their support for making the call, driving there, and even calling their boss to ask for time off if necessary.
• Encourage them to reconnect with their church or other support systems.  Some people who resist medical help may listen when a pastor tells them to seek medical attention.  
• In a particularly low moment, drive them to the emergency room.  Getting help sometimes requires acting in the moment, and waiting until tomorrow could put them in a place where they no longer think they need help.  Immediate action can get their medical team alerted to help them.
• Write an letter to their primary care doctor (you can talk to them, but they can't talk to you) indicating your concerns. Include specific examples, duration, and any other details you can think of.

(((hugs))) You are in a difficult position. 

 

 

Edited February 14, 2016 by Plink

[Faithr]

Thanks, Plink.  That is helpful and to the point.   I found this article too which I think might help the overwhelmed spouse trying to cope. http://psychcentral.com/lib/suffering-in-silence-when-your-spouse-is-depressed/

[SporkUK]

I always recommend this article on caring for someone with depression though it is more aimed at partners than anyone else, it has many tips n practical things you can do that can help remove the things that tend to feed depression: helping with cleaning or decluttering, making food easier, making getting out easier and more pleasant, make self care more doable, challenging destructive thoughts, and so on. Doing some of those for partners of those with depression who need help as well can go a long way too for everyone. 

 

Depression itself makes it more difficult for someone to seek outside help and that is before getting into other very justifiable reasons for avoiding medical professions and that refusing that kind of help is not that same as refusing all help. 

[zoobie]

Ach! That sucks. What do you tell the spouse who calls you up and starts crying over the phone because they don't know what to do and life is becoming a living hell with this person?

 

Sigh.

You have to create boundaries for yourself to keep yourself healthy and not sucked into their drama. Suggest counseling for the person calling you where a trained individual can give them advice. Suggest NAMI: https://www.nami.org/Find-Support/Family-Members-and-Caregivers . You could offer babysitting while the person goes to therapy (if that is feasible). Remind the person s/he is responsible for the well-being of their children and encourage them to get help. You can't make them get help or take care of themselves.

[PineFarmMom]

The main instance I have seen this was where a close friend of mine was trying to help another friend get out of depression. We were all youngish (late twenties) and she poured herself into "helping". She had great ideas but the ideas would only be useful to a willing person. The other friend was unwilling and decided she was destined to live a depressed life. I didn't know enough to tell the other friend to just back off and let her come to realize she needed help.

 

I don't think you can help a person who is unwilling to take help. It is a frustrating situation to family and friends, I know. At this point, if it were me living according to my own worldview, I would begin to make a prayer plan for that person which would involved fasting, group prayer with those who care about the person, and praying scripture on that person's behalf!! I have a very recent miraculous success story that myself and a group of about 15 people shared regarding another friend in depression and deep mental instability. When we gathered in prayer on her behalf, it still amazes me how God stepped in and the

Gospel of Jesus Christ worked its power in her!!!!!!!

Edited February 14, 2016 by Texas T

[SparklyUnicorn]

Well no clue if this will work, but what about offering to call a doctor and offering to drive the person there?  Might seem like this silly little thing, but when I was depressed once it was extremely difficult for me to even pick up the phone.  Really, at that moment it felt impossible.  Medication works better for depression than counseling does.  They can go to a regular GP type doctor for that. 

 

That might not work.  Sometimes there isn't much you can really do. 

[Lanny]

If the life of the person is in danger (talking about suicide) then possibly one could have them committed for a short period of time. But I think this is like someone with an addiction (alcohol, drugs, etc.) and that if they do not want to change, they will not change and nobody can change for them.  Suggesting therapy (individual or group) might or might not be received well by the person with depression.  If the person is averse to therapy, the only other option would be for an M.D. to get them onto some anti depressant medication and hope (fingers crossed) they take the medication regularly and  that it  improves their mood.   

[Melinda in VT]

Thanks, Plink. That is helpful and to the point. I found this article too which I think might help the overwhelmed spouse trying to cope. http://psychcentral.com/lib/suffering-in-silence-when-your-spouse-is-depressed/

Thanks for the article. The things it mentions in the last section are the kinds of self-care I was talking about. These are good to do even if the depressed spouse won't seek medical treatment.

[J-rap]

As someone who went through a period of situational depression myself (not as bad as what you seem to imply), what would have done it for me is to have someone else make the appointment and then tell me, "I'll be there at 3:00 to take you to the doctor."  Just like that.  I might even need them to sit in the appointment with me.  The depression did feel very severe to me, but I think I was just too embarrassed to make that call myself.  When people suggested I go, I'd say, "Maybe."  But what I needed was just for them to set it all up for me.  I couldn't even tell them that though.  

 

I'm assuming that a doctor might be the place to start, and would then prescribe meds and/or counseling.

 

But, that's probably already been tried.

 

 

[creekland]

This is a person who even before the big depression hit, had an aversion to going to the doctors.  Nothing anyone suggests or counsels seems to have any influence.  Things are spiraling out of control.  It is becoming a huge stressor for loved ones and sucking the life out of everything.  What to do?  People are on tender hooks not wanting to alienate this person further but something's got to give.    

 

What does this person say when someone close to them asks them what to do to help make a difference in their lives?  What do they want to happen?

 

Rather than being in tender hooks if that isn't working, there might need to be someone who steps into the fire with flack jacket on to take the heat.  They'd need to stay there until the person softened up a little.  (This is not usually a first choice for responding, but you've said that's been tried.  It CAN work - at least with teens - if the right person does it.  It can get them thinking about possibilities and that life could be better.  They may not actually change until their brain has had a chance to dwell on the episode.)

 

Is the person getting exercise at all?  Involved in anything?  Sitting at home feeling sorry for themselves? Going through the motions of life with bitterness?  How much of a danger are they to themselves or someone nearby?

 

There'd be tons of things I'd be looking at.

[happi duck]

When one is depressed, decisions and effort both seem impossible and are exhausting.

 

Helping someone who is depressed takes patience and perseverance.

 

Don't ask if they want to eat...make them something healthful. If they don't eat it don't fret and later make them a healthful snack, then another healthful meal etc.

 

I think some depressed people expect everyone to give up on them. Ime, I need to see that I can trust someone to hang in there with me.

 

"Don't ask, just do and keep trying" goes for every other good thing...getting dressed, going for a walk, watching funny shows not depressing shows, going to the doctor etc. Keep at making good things possible...remember life might feel impossible for them right now.

 

Also, sometimes helping is pointing out tiny steps. For example, bring them clean comfy clothes: "It's time to change out of pajamas". If that is too much start with "take of your pajama top and put on this tshirt.". Kwim?

 

If you are supporting the caregiver do what you can to help them: grocery shop, pick up and drop off a load of laundry, loan them funny videos etc.

[eternalsummer]

I like this blog post about depression: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

 

It is remarkable how many people just keep telling you they'll help you find your fish, or have you tried this thing to feed your fish better food, or whatever.

 

If the depressed person doesn't want medical help for their condition, can you offer some support for non-medical help?  I have read that exercise works as well as meds for some depressed people; especially if it is situational, I can understand not wanting to medicate one's way out of it.

[TranquilMind]

I like this blog post about depression: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

 

It is remarkable how many people just keep telling you they'll help you find your fish, or have you tried this thing to feed your fish better food, or whatever.

 

If the depressed person doesn't want medical help for their condition, can you offer some support for non-medical help?  I have read that exercise works as well as meds for some depressed people; especially if it is situational, I can understand not wanting to medicate one's way out of it.

This.

How do you know the person is depressed?  Did he tell you?  It seems a lot of assumptions are being made, but then I don't have the whole story.  If there is a back story or a history, then so be it.

 

I was just thinking it is possible that something happened about which you are unaware?  Then, some period of sadness or grief would be completely appropriate. 

 

ETA:  That blog post was just....weird!  ;)  It was like being in someone psychedelic mind. 

Edited February 14, 2016 by TranquilMind

[TranquilMind]

As someone who went through a period of situational depression myself (not as bad as what you seem to imply), what would have done it for me is to have someone else make the appointment and then tell me, "I'll be there at 3:00 to take you to the doctor."  Just like that.  I might even need them to sit in the appointment with me.  The depression did feel very severe to me, but I think I was just too embarrassed to make that call myself.  When people suggested I go, I'd say, "Maybe."  But what I needed was just for them to set it all up for me.  I couldn't even tell them that though.  

 

I'm assuming that a doctor might be the place to start, and would then prescribe meds and/or counseling.

 

But, that's probably already been tried.

That might work for some people.

 

I went through a period like this in my early 20's, after a series of losses.  If anyone had done this and actually attempted to make a doctor appointment for me, I would have been seriously angry at the overreaching, and that friendship would be over.

 

Someone else might think it is great and helpful, and it could be the perfect answer.  The moral:  Know your person well. 

 

In my case, I just stayed alone for awhile and it slowly lifted.  I did have a kind friend in class (was in college at the time) make an effort to get to know me and start inviting me to a lot of stuff.  Later he told me that I "looked sad" and he wanted to help.  He just kept me busy.  Sweet guy.  When one of my siblings died, he went to the funeral.  When we got home, I told him he needed to leave and I needed to be alone for 2 hours to grieve but then to come back and spend the evening with me.  He did! 

 

Everyone needs this friend.  So I think the advice to just be present and try to keep the person busy is best, and then the answers will become clearer.

[Laura Corin]

I had someone who kept saying that they might go to the doctor and never did.  I'm afraid that at a moment when I was very stressed I had a bit of a meltdown about needing him to go to the doctor.  I said it was entirely up to him and the doctor what treatment was carried out, but I needed him to go. 

 

I'm not proud of it, but actually it worked.  He went and things are going better.

[LucyStoner]

There's a fine line here. You want to be supportive and meet the person where they are and you don't want to minimize the situation or cut someone in need off at but at the same time you may well find yourself needing to draw boundaries to protect yourself and others.

 

I have a long time close friend who has struggled with mental illness for years but denied that that is what is going on and denied that she needs help. I can be there for her when she needs a place to hang out. I can't however let her lash out at my sons because she is in a panic and has woefully inadequate distress tolerance skills. When she started discussing suicide, I told her in no uncertain terms that I was worried about her and while I couldn't force her to get help, I needed to tell her that she needed to get help. I also contacted her parents (she's single so they are her next of kin) and told them my concerns without divulging any personal information they didn't need to know. That resulted in her being massively pissed off at me and saying some hurtful things. However, her parents did convince her to get some medical help. I made a point to try and support her (sent her a small gift) but also to try and support her caregivers (sending them a care package).

 

I struggle with mental health matters myself however and if it comes down to being able to take care of my needs and my kids over being able to support her, I have to choose my own family for my sons' sake.

[Faithr]

Thanks everybody.  The immediate cause of the depression is unemployment.  It's been very rough.  Unfortunately, the depression is taking such a bad turn, it is basically making the person unemployable.  I am going to double up on prayer, try to give support but not interfere too much except I am strongly encouraging getting a counselor for the caregiver.  This person has already been doing all the right things, but nothing has worked so far.  I think I can help by encouraging them to persevere through all this and being a shoulder to cry on when it gets to be too much.

 

Thanks again.

[Valley Girl]

Unemployment is soul-sucking. Any chance of getting the person in question out and into some volunteer work in the short term, even a few hours a week? Having someplace to go and something to do every day or evey few days may be helpful in the short term to his/her sense of self-worth and motivation.

[Faithr]

Unemployment is soul-sucking. Any chance of getting the person in question out and into some volunteer work in the short term, even a few hours a week? Having someplace to go and something to do every day or evey few days may be helpful in the short term to his/her sense of self-worth and motivation.

Unfortunately, this has been suggested numerous times, but so far not followed through on.  This person basically only has enough energy to make feeble attempts at job applications.  However there is a job interview scheduled for Wednesday, though person is convinced it will be yet another rejection.  But I am praying hard this is the turning point!

[Valley Girl]

 However there is a job interview scheduled for Wednesday, though person is convinced it will be yet another rejection.  But I am praying hard this is the turning point!

 

That's great. We've been through long-term unemployment in the past, and it is VERY hard for the job seeker to remain positive about his chances after so many rejections. I think it's almost a defense mechanism. Problem is it that eventually is it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Can you or someone else help this person generate a little excitement about the job and how his skill set fits it? It's such a difficult road. Good luck.

Edited February 15, 2016 by Reluctant Homeschooler

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

That's great. We've been through long-term unemployment in the past, and it is VERY hard for the job seeker to remain positive about his chances after so many rejections. I think it's almost a defense mechanism. Problem is it that eventually is it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Can you or someone else help this person generate a little excitement about the job and how his skill set fits it? It's such a difficult road. Good luck.

 

Yes, this is where we are right now.

 

 

 

 

 

I hope the job seeking works out!

[creekland]

Unfortunately, this has been suggested numerous times, but so far not followed through on.  This person basically only has enough energy to make feeble attempts at job applications.  However there is a job interview scheduled for Wednesday, though person is convinced it will be yet another rejection.  But I am praying hard this is the turning point!

 

Praying this time the job comes through.  I feel for those in that position.

[SparklyUnicorn]

As someone who went through a period of situational depression myself (not as bad as what you seem to imply), what would have done it for me is to have someone else make the appointment and then tell me, "I'll be there at 3:00 to take you to the doctor."  Just like that.  I might even need them to sit in the appointment with me.  The depression did feel very severe to me, but I think I was just too embarrassed to make that call myself.  When people suggested I go, I'd say, "Maybe."  But what I needed was just for them to set it all up for me.  I couldn't even tell them that though.  

 

I'm assuming that a doctor might be the place to start, and would then prescribe meds and/or counseling.

 

But, that's probably already been tried.

 

Yes, seems like such a small thing, but it feels insurmountable.

[Katy]

nm

Edited July 22, 2016 by Katy

[happi duck]

Unfortunately, this has been suggested numerous times, but so far not followed through on. This person basically only has enough energy to make feeble attempts at job applications. However there is a job interview scheduled for Wednesday, though person is convinced it will be yet another rejection. But I am praying hard this is the turning point!

I hope the job comes through!

 

If not, *suggesting* something, ime, is too many steps. It needs to be more like "we're volunteering at the food bank on Wednesday".

 

Just my two cents!

[justasque]

 

 

I hope the job comes through!

 

If not, *suggesting* something, ime, is too many steps. It needs to be more like "we're volunteering at the food bank on Wednesday".

 

Just my two cents!

Or better yet, "I need help with X. Could you come with me and help? I will pick you up at 8." In other words, the one needing help is not the depressed person, but the person requesting they do such-and-such.