So why do I feel guilty about this?

[Reefgazer]

DD (13) is babysitting tonight. DH and I would like to go out for Valentines Day, and tonight is our only night to do so. We would like it to be just us, but it would not be bad if DS (11) tagged along; but I still want it to be just DH and me. I feel guilty about leaving DS out of the festivities. Should I bring DS or not? Poll coming. Adding: DS is perfectly fine and mature to stay home alone and does so often, so that's not my concern.

Edited February 13, 2016 by reefgazer

[plansrme]

No. It is important for kids to see their parents having a life without them. Maybe bring him a special dessert home to assuage your guilt.

[LisaKinVA]

Set him up with pizza, coke, and a movie...leave some movie treats and head out. :)

[Pink and Green Mom]

Now that my kids are old enough to stay home alone, I tell them that certain events - namely, New Years Eve parties and Valentines Day dinners - are mom and dad only events. 

[ChocolateReignRemix]

Parents deserve (and imo need) nights out without the kids. If you feel guilty, leave him with something special (pizza, whatever) but then go out and enjoy yourself.

[zoobie]

I dream of that day... The cute little boogers get the focus nearly every other moment. Enjoy your dinner!

[regentrude]

No.

He is fine staying by himself and does not mind.

You would like a night out with your DH.

It's Valentine's day, so this is traditional

 

No reason to feel guilty. If you want to, you can always get your kids some desert to go and bring that home :-)

[Katy]

Absolutely not.  Get him a card or a box of heart shaped snack cakes or something, and spend the evening how you should: celebrating your relationship.  And TEA.  You can't flirt and get excited about TEA with an 11 year old boy there.  He'd have way more fun renting a movie & getting a large pizza to himself.

[MEmama]

Nah. Leave him home. I think it's good for kids to see their parents as a couple in addition to being mom and dad.

 

I get it though. We rarely go out on date nights just because it's fun to have DS with us. :)

[Night Elf]

I would only feel guilty if we rarely went out to eat and it was a special treat. But your dd will be missing out as well. How would she feel if her brother got to go but she was working?

[Amira]

By that age, my kids would much rather hang out at home than go out with us, but even if they did want to go, I think it's important for parents to do things without their kids sometimes.  

[marbel]

I know it's hard.  I'd leave him home.  He will have more fun, and so will you. 

 

[KrissiK]

It's Valentine's Day! Ease your guilt by getting him the fast food of his choice, and have a good dinner with your honey! Alone!

[Chris in VA]

Not at all.

Agreeing with ktgrok about your dd, and with others that say get him a fun meal and a movie or something.

 

At 11, I wouldn't go terribly far and I'd be home in 2-2.5 hours. YMMV.

[Miss Mousie]

I agree with the PPs, but honestly I wouldn't even bring him a dessert or set him up with a feast at home.  Especially when he is accustomed to being home alone.  It's time for you and DH to focus on your own relationship and enjoy yourselves.  That is perfectly reasonable and necessary and there is no need for bribes.

 

If you *do* make a big deal, you are setting a bad precedent for future events.  "What?  You want a weekend away for your anniversary?  I'd better be getting my own car to make up for it!"  :p

 

 

 

[craftymama]

I voted other.  Does he even have any interest in going?  If he doesn't even want to go you are causing yourself extra stress for nothing. 

 

[happypamama]

I think it depends on your son.  Will HE feel left out?  Will HE be bored?  What would HE prefer to do?  Some 11yo boys might feel left out if they had nothing to do, and big sis got to earn money and the parents got to go out, and he got to stay home and do nothing; in that case, I'd bring him too and remember that love includes our children too.  But some 11yo boys would welcome the chance to stay home and eat the junk food of their choice and watch whatever they wanted on TV without having to share, in which case, I'd leave him and have a great time.

 

Any chance he might have a friend who could come over and hang with him for a bit, so he's not completely alone and left out of everything special?  That would depend on your 11yo and his friends, though, but I can think of at least one friend that I would completely trust with my own newly 11yo son; they wouldn't get into any mischief and could totally be trusted to eat junk food and hang out.

 

[Lady Marmalade]

My DS, who is newly 12, would LOVE a night home alone with his choice of movie and free access to the pantry.  I might even pick up some forbidden snack for him that I don't normally purchase for one reason or another. 

[Guest]

11 is old enough to be left out//left home every once in a while so his parents  can go act like grownups for a few hours. I don't even think he needs junk food or any such thing. "Congratulations son, you get to stay home while your father and I tongue kiss in public. You are welcome. Eat your brussel sprouts."

[ChocolateReignRemix]

11 is old enough to be left out//left home every once in a while so his parents  can go act like grownups for a few hours. I don't even think he needs junk food or any such thing. "Congratulations son, you get to stay home while your father and I tongue kiss in public. You are welcome. Eat your brussel sprouts."

 

He doesn't need it, but a treat helps to ease mom guilt. :)

[teachermom2834]

We never went out until our kids were old enough to stay alone and for us that was a bit older than your ds. Just in the last couple years have we gone on dates. Honestly, my kids like it. They seem to enjoy seeing us together in that way and encourage it. Oldest two are older teens now and dating. They particularly seem to relate to us on that level. Our marriage is better too!

 

Go out with your dh.

[goldberry]

Just recently DH and I had a date night planned.  DD was feeling a bit down that day, so I invited her to come with us.  She said, 'No, you and dad need your time, go have a nice time!"   :blushing:   

 

I feel like we have done a good job modeling a happy and successful marriage to her.  Part of that is her seeing that we value each other as husband and wife and enjoy each other's company.

 

My sister, on the other hand, got remarried when her kids were still teens.  She basically kicked them out of the house at every opportunity and made them feel very unwelcome.  There is a difference and your kids know it.

[Reefgazer]

Well, that was nearly unanimous, so I guess DH and I are going out alone! 

 

DS seems not to care whether we go out without him; you were all right - he wants the pizza and free access to  video games.  I did offer to bring him dessert to soothe my guilt, which he seems happy to have.

[Reefgazer]

I didn't even ask him because if the answer was "I want to go", I'd feel even worse leaving him, LOL.

 

The kids aren't allowed to have friends over or be outside when I am gone.  DS is dependable and mature enough to handle staying alone, but other kids over makes me nervous, not to mention, most parents don't leave their 11 year olds home alone, but I feel mine is mature enough, under the right conditions.  So he'll stay alone, which seems to be OK with him.

I think it depends on your son.  Will HE feel left out?  Will HE be bored?  What would HE prefer to do?  Some 11yo boys might feel left out if they had nothing to do, and big sis got to earn money and the parents got to go out, and he got to stay home and do nothing; in that case, I'd bring him too and remember that love includes our children too.  But some 11yo boys would welcome the chance to stay home and eat the junk food of their choice and watch whatever they wanted on TV without having to share, in which case, I'd leave him and have a great time.

 

Any chance he might have a friend who could come over and hang with him for a bit, so he's not completely alone and left out of everything special?  That would depend on your 11yo and his friends, though, but I can think of at least one friend that I would completely trust with my own newly 11yo son; they wouldn't get into any mischief and could totally be trusted to eat junk food and hang out.

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I agree with the PPs, but honestly I wouldn't even bring him a dessert or set him up with a feast at home.  Especially when he is accustomed to being home alone.  It's time for you and DH to focus on your own relationship and enjoy yourselves.  That is perfectly reasonable and necessary and there is no need for bribes.

 

If you *do* make a big deal, you are setting a bad precedent for future events.  "What?  You want a weekend away for your anniversary?  I'd better be getting my own car to make up for it!"  :p

 

I hope that is supposed to be funny hyperbole because that is a huge stretch.  Kids can understand us giving them a treat just because we love and value them without it becoming a precedent set in stone. 

[importswim]

He doesn't need it, but a treat helps to ease mom guilt. :)

...but it also increases the expectation that he'll "get something" every time Mom and Dad want to go out.  :sad: I totally get it though and I'd have to talk myself down from doing so.

 

I'd leave him home by himself. The fact that he could do what he wants *within reason* for a few hours should be motivation enough for him.

[happypamama]

...but it also increases the expectation that he'll "get something" every time Mom and Dad want to go out.  :sad: I totally get it though and I'd have to talk myself down from doing so.

 

I'd leave him home by himself. The fact that he could do what he wants *within reason* for a few hours should be motivation enough for him.

Tbh, I kind of think, "So what if he does?"  A dessert or a particular food that he likes isn't a car.  It's just something nice to do for him.  Besides, he has to eat something, somehow, and since it's just him (and therefore no need to balance what he likes with what the other family members like), why would it be a big deal to ask him what he'd like to have for dinner, or if he'd like to have a dessert?  

 

I certainly remember that when I babysat for other people's children because the parents were going out, the kids usually had something out of the ordinary for dinner, like pizza and ice cream.  Didn't seem to have a sense of entitlement to it, just was something a little fun.  When we go out, we usually leave the kids a fun dinner or brownies or something.  There's no guilt, just doing something nice.

 

OP, it sounds like you've found a good solution -- he'll be just fine at home, and you and DH will have a great time, and bringing dessert home for him is a nice way to let him know you care. :)

[Tsuga]

DD (13) is babysitting tonight. DH and I would like to go out for Valentines Day, and tonight is our only night to do so. We would like it to be just us, but it would not be bad if DS (11) tagged along; but I still want it to be just DH and me. I feel guilty about leaving DS out of the festivities. Should I bring DS or not? Poll coming. Adding: DS is perfectly fine and mature to stay home alone and does so often, so that's not my concern.

 

Not at all. I don't think feelings are "wrong" per se but I'm having a hard time empathizing with the guilt emotion here. Did DS say he was sad?

 

A Valentine's and birthday dinner when your children are already school age is really not pushing the envelope at all in terms of parental me-time.

 

A dessert is a great idea and it's something small that even if he did expect it every time, oh well.

 

My kids expect chewing gum when doing their homework. It's a nuisance when I can't fulfill that but they deal. I set a precedent and that's that. 

 

I also agree on not letting friends over when they stay home alone at their age.

 

I say, let him rent some movies, bring a dessert and enjoy. He'll love the movies.

Edited February 13, 2016 by Tsuga

[Tsuga]

...but it also increases the expectation that he'll "get something" every time Mom and Dad want to go out.  :sad: I totally get it though and I'd have to talk myself down from doing so.

 

I'd leave him home by himself. The fact that he could do what he wants *within reason* for a few hours should be motivation enough for him.

 

My kids get to do that all the time when not in school... they are doing it right now and I'm right here.

[LucyStoner]

...but it also increases the expectation that he'll "get something" every time Mom and Dad want to go out. :sad: I totally get it though and I'd have to talk myself down from doing so.

 

I'd leave him home by himself. The fact that he could do what he wants *within reason* for a few hours should be motivation enough for him.

He gets...dinner? pizza is fast and can be very cheap, many kids like it and it's easy clean up. This is why it's the meal most often left for babysitters. If I don't leave something with protein out for my son when he is alone all he will eat is 174 apples and maybe bread. Pizza isn't "getting something" unless one considers dinner a gift.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Yeah.  I don't understand this tit for tat thinking introduced later in this thread.  Families are supposed to be places for loving relationships, in my ideal world.  Sure, we set boundaries but even those are set out of love.  My 18 year old asks me sometimes to bring him back a doggie bag if we are going out.  It isn't an entitlement thing.  He happens to like the restaurant where we are going and figures it doesn't hurt to ask.  Sometimes I say, "sure".  Sometimes I say no because we are on a stricter budget that month and we allowed for the splurge for two but not for more.  Sometimes it just isn't convenient.  Sometimes we're going somewhere else later and the unrefrigerated doggie bag just wouldn't be safe.  But he understands and isn't scarred by the no's or "spoiled" by the yes's because it's just part of relational dialog.  When my kids were really little I might have had to state things a bit more cut and dried because they didn't understand the nuances but by the time a child is 11, most children do understand these things.  Anyway. . . none of this is specifically germane to the OP since she's resolved the situation very well, it sounds like. 

[Miss Mousie]

I hope that is supposed to be funny hyperbole because that is a huge stretch.  Kids can understand us giving them a treat just because we love and value them without it becoming a precedent set in stone. 

 

Um, yes, it was meant to be hyperbolic and funny.  Hence the goofy smiley following that sentence.

 

The point, at least in my mind, was that bringing a treat to assuage mom-guilt implies that she has some reason to feel guilty and something to "make up to him" - which, IMO, she doesn't.  If she wants to bring it because she loves him and the restaurant makes something he particularly likes, that is different.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

...but it also increases the expectation that he'll "get something" every time Mom and Dad want to go out. :sad: I totally get it though and I'd have to talk myself down from doing so.

 

I'd leave him home by himself. The fact that he could do what he wants *within reason* for a few hours should be motivation enough for him.

Meh. We didn't do mom and dad only nights often and I enjoyed letting our boys have a treat when we were gone.

[PeacefulChaos]

My reply is a definite no.

 

And I'm anti-Valentine's day.  :lol:  

 

But seriously, I wouldn't think twice about it.  I'm with the above posters who talk about life outside of the kids.  That's something I'm a pretty big advocate of.  So yeah.  :)

[Excelsior! Academy]

What about taking him to dinner, then leaving him home while you and dh head back out for dessert?

[Guest]

No, it is not necessary for him to go. (Said by someone who was never blasé about leaving my kids home while we did something.) i usually try to make something fun for my kids about being home: movie, pizza, sundaes, or whatever.

[importswim]

Tbh, I kind of think, "So what if he does?"  A dessert or a particular food that he likes isn't a car.  It's just something nice to do for him.  Besides, he has to eat something, somehow, and since it's just him (and therefore no need to balance what he likes with what the other family members like), why would it be a big deal to ask him what he'd like to have for dinner, or if he'd like to have a dessert?  

 

I certainly remember that when I babysat for other people's children because the parents were going out, the kids usually had something out of the ordinary for dinner, like pizza and ice cream.  Didn't seem to have a sense of entitlement to it, just was something a little fun.  When we go out, we usually leave the kids a fun dinner or brownies or something.  There's no guilt, just doing something nice.

 

OP, it sounds like you've found a good solution -- he'll be just fine at home, and you and DH will have a great time, and bringing dessert home for him is a nice way to let him know you care. :)

I totally understand where you're coming from. My response comes from looking around my house and seeing layers of entitlement in our lives, and I have really good kids. Sigh. It's not just the once (or every few times) that Mom and Dad go out, but that piled on top of assuaging mom guilt in other ways, treats here and there that have become less special because they're given all of the time. At least that's what I'm pulling back from in my house.  In my group circle (middle class, church going, homeschooling SAHM ) the kids seem to have lots of entitlement issues, even subtle ones (and even my own kids). We've tried very hard to keep it from happening, but it seems to creep in there.  :sad:

 

You, of course, are absolutely welcome to do whatever works for your family! You may not have the issues in your group that we have. 

[importswim]

He gets...dinner? pizza is fast and can be very cheap, many kids like it and it's easy clean up. This is why it's the meal most often left for babysitters. If I don't leave something with protein out for my son when he is alone all he will eat is 174 apples and maybe bread. Pizza isn't "getting something" unless one considers dinner a gift.

Pizza isn't a treat in my family, it's a weekly (or when DH is gone maybe daily... :lol: ) event. Of course dinner isn't a gift, well, unless someone is making it for me instead of me slogging away in the kitchen then it is DEFINITELY a gift!

 

I think my response is being blown out of proportion. Going out and specifically getting a dessert or take out to me is a treat that isn't viable over time and could lead to the child expecting it.

 

 

ETA: Specifically related to assuaging "mom guilt" for going out with one's husband and leaving the child at home.  If you don't agree, then that's fine. 

Edited February 14, 2016 by importswim

[zoobie]

Pizza isn't a treat in my family, it's a weekly (or when DH is gone maybe daily... :lol: ) event. Of course dinner isn't a gift, well, unless someone is making it for me instead of me slogging away in the kitchen then it is DEFINITELY a gift!

 

I think my response is being blown out of proportion. Going out and specifically getting a dessert or take out to me is a treat that isn't viable over time and could lead to the child expecting it.

 

 

ETA: Specifically related to assuaging "mom guilt" for going out with one's husband and leaving the child at home. If you don't agree, then that's fine.

I think I get what you're saying there. In order to do something healthy and pleasant for yourself, you have to do something for the kids too. Whereas you don't buy yourself something every time you do things for your children. It should be okay to say "tonight is for me and DH" and the child being fed and safe and loved is sufficient and not guilt-inducing even if nothing special happens for him. Reframe why you do things. Getting him dessert to go because their special is his favorite type of cake vs I have to get him something to assuage my guilt for taking care of my needs.

[Reefgazer]

So it all worked out - DH and I got our dinner (alone), and DS had his Chick Fil A milkshake (that's his treat) and everyone was happy in the end!

[foxbridgeacademy]

Other. I'd say no, unless he really wants to go.  

[importswim]

I think I get what you're saying there. In order to do something healthy and pleasant for yourself, you have to do something for the kids too. Whereas you don't buy yourself something every time you do things for your children. It should be okay to say "tonight is for me and DH" and the child being fed and safe and loved is sufficient and not guilt-inducing even if nothing special happens for him. Reframe why you do things. Getting him dessert to go because their special is his favorite type of cake vs I have to get him something to assuage my guilt for taking care of my needs.

Yes! Thank you. You said it much more eloquently and concisely than I did. 

[dirty ethel rackham]

I say go and leave ds at home.  You can bring home a surprise for him (like desert or something) if it makes you feel better.  Or get a movie or some other "staying home alone can be a treat" something special and do away with the guilt.  If your ds was uncomfortable or lonely, I would feel a little guilty. 

[Mom22ns]

If your ds doesn't care then no, don't take him. If it is going to make him really sad to stay home and it doesn't bother you and dh, then take him. i don't see this as a big deal either way. He is 11, that is a bit young IMO to be left out - if he feels left out. My kids are very happy when we go on dates. When we planned an anniversary get away last year, they encouraged us to take as long as we wanted. No, there were no parties while we were gone. They like knowing their parents have a healthy marriage. They want us to stay together. We want to model a healthy relationship. 

 

That said, we rarely went on dates, and I'm pretty sure we've never left our kids for a Valentines dinner. This year for the first time, they've left us. Ds is at college and dd is having dinner with a friend. Dh is cooking me dinner and I already dipped strawberries for dessert.

 

What ever you do, do it guilt free.