What would you have said?

[EmseB]

A long time friend (a good friend, but the kind of person you don't speak to terribly often but can always pick up with if that makes sense) is talking to you about educational choices for their child who is getting to be school-aged.  They know you homeschool and are pretty committed to it.  They are saying this unsolicited, you haven't encouraged them to homeschool in any way, and don't even really talk about it that much.  They are clearly venting about other people in their life who they feel are pressuring them to homeschool.  And they tell you something like the following:

 

"I'm not a homeschool mom.  I'm just not.  I'm not a teacher, I need a break from my kids every day, I can't be around them ALL the time, I don't have patience, I don't want to take on the whole responsibility for my kids' education, I just can't do it."

 

Are they looking for support for their decision?  For me to say that none of those things are really how our homeschool looks?

 

My first reaction was to make a joke about me in a denim jumper, but I didn't do that.  I wasn't sure what to say, so I just said that any choice she made wasn't permanent until college.

 

I mean, I didn't want to be another person pressuring to homeschool, but I didn't want to leave the impression that I'm patient all the time because I'm not, that I don't get breaks from my kids...because most of the afternoons they play quietly while the little ones nap and I have plenty of time to myself, that I haven't delegated some of my responsibilities out because thank you Memoria Press, and that she could very well do it.  I didn't say all that, but I was just left feeling the wrong way about her characterization of homeschooling.

 

I don't know what I'm asking really, but something about, "I'm not a homeschool mom" just struck me the wrong way, and at the same time there seemed to be this elevated view of how homeschool moms interact with our kids.  Like we must be perfect and want to do this every day for it to work for us.  I don't find that to be true, but didn't want to sound defensive or sensitive.

 

Would you have responded in anyway or just let it lie?

[creekland]

I would have just said something to the effect of, "It's no sin to put your kids in school if that fits you best.  All of us make our choices based upon fit.  That's our job as parents.  If any of us change our minds later, we can change our choices too."

 

Not everyone is cut out to be a homeschool mom - and it isn't a sin.  Ditto that with putting ps mom in there.  It's all about choices and fit for both parents and kids.

[heartlikealion]

I would have said, "ok, then maybe it's not for you"? or "What made homeschooling come up?" or "Are you not liking the schools in your district"? or or or some open-ended question. I don't know.

 

I think she should listen to her inner voice if there are other options. I sometimes question if I'm "not a homeschool mom" but it was the best of the choices we had. Maybe she needs to make a pro/con list and if homeschooling wins, maybe she can outsource??? Use a program that requires less direction from her like K12 or whatever those similar programs are (cannot think of the name off the top of my head, but a friend uses one). 

[zoobie]

I don't hear anything in that anti-homeschooling or as a knock against you. I would've said something like, "Those are valid feelings. Why on earth does Relative feel he has a say in your parenting choices?!"

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

NM, I read the situation incorrectly. I still agree with what Creekland said!

Edited February 12, 2016 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[Guest]

I think she was just venting. In my real life I say things like "That's alright, honey! I'm sorry other person is being a pushy pushapotamus" when situations come up. And they do! ...about hs, religion, politics, MILs, husbands, whatever...

[bolt.]

My response would be along the lines of 'everybody's different, you need to choose what's most likely to work for you'.

[wendyroo]

"You're a good mom making choices that are good for your family - that's all that matters."

 

Wendy

[UCF612]

I have friends that say the same thing. One would be the greatest homeschool mom ever but she doesn't want to do it. I always just say "You absolutely could homeschool if you desired. But there is nothing wrong with not homeschooling or not even wanting to try. It isn't for everyone. We enjoy it and it works for us right now."

[Chris in VA]

Some reassuring thing, and then, MAYBE, a very gentle something, like I hear what you are saying, but you know I homeschool, and I can't help but wonder if you really know what my day looks like.

 

Depends on lots of things, but I might risk correcting a wrong idea or two. Or I might not. :laugh:

[Tsuga]

A long time friend (a good friend, but the kind of person you don't speak to terribly often but can always pick up with if that makes sense) is talking to you about educational choices for their child who is getting to be school-aged.  They know you homeschool and are pretty committed to it.  They are saying this unsolicited, you haven't encouraged them to homeschool in any way, and don't even really talk about it that much.  They are clearly venting about other people in their life who they feel are pressuring them to homeschool.  And they tell you something like the following:

 

"I'm not a homeschool mom.  I'm just not.  I'm not a teacher, I need a break from my kids every day, I can't be around them ALL the time, I don't have patience, I don't want to take on the whole responsibility for my kids' education, I just can't do it."

 

Are they looking for support for their decision?  For me to say that none of those things are really how our homeschool looks?

 

I think it's less support of one decision that she needs and more support in the fact that she knows what's best for her family. 

 

I have probably said things similar to that, though I wouldn't have said "I'm not a homeschool mom" because I'm aware of a lot of diversity in the community.

 

What I would be wanting to hear is something along the lines of, "I hear you--it's great that you are so aware of what your own strengths and weaknesses are. I think that's so important when helping our kids through their education."

 

And then let her go on if needed.

 

And finish up with, "In the long run it's meeting our family where they are that is the most important and that's what you're doing. You're a great mom."

 

Note that these could be said to someone contemplating homeschool, public school, private school, unschool, whatever. Because it's about the relationship being more important than the curriculum.

 

 

Sometimes we just need to hear that what we are doing is good enough.

 

Also, pushy pushapotamus. LOL. 

[EmseB]

Thanks for the input, I just definitely felt put on the spot as the "homeschool mom" she was venting to. Like if I was agreeing with her that she shouldn't homeschool for those reasons I was saying that she wasn't patient enough or good enough, but if I told her that I thought she could do it and told her that I'm definitely not the most patient mom, then I would be putting more pressure on her to homeschool. I didn't want to do either of those things, so I said something non committal that felt unsupportive as well.

Edited February 12, 2016 by JodiSue

[Guest]

Thanks for the input, I just definitely felt put on the spot as the "homeschool mom" she was venting to. Like if I was agreeing with her that she shouldn't homeschool for those reasons I was saying that she wasn't patient enough or good enough, but if I told her that I thought she could do it and told her that I'm definitely not the most patient mom, then I would be putting more pressure on her to homeschool. I didn't want to do either of those things, so I said something non committal that felt unsupportive as well.

 

That's alright too though! You tried to be conscientious to your friend! That's what counts most imo, in these little interactions.

[My4arrows]

I agree those situations are tough. I usually will agree with them that they know what's best for their family (since they do!) and do often make a comment following, but just so you know I'm not "perfect". I personally don't want them to think I'm agreeing that I'm all those things they mentioned and feel superior. Homeschooling is just the best for our family.

[1GirlTwinBoys]

She obviously just doesn't have any interest in homeschooling and it may not be right for their family.  She should either ignore other people's opinions, or learn how to tell them that it's not what she wants to do and won't be doing it.

[TranquilMind]

A long time friend (a good friend, but the kind of person you don't speak to terribly often but can always pick up with if that makes sense) is talking to you about educational choices for their child who is getting to be school-aged.  They know you homeschool and are pretty committed to it.  They are saying this unsolicited, you haven't encouraged them to homeschool in any way, and don't even really talk about it that much.  They are clearly venting about other people in their life who they feel are pressuring them to homeschool.  And they tell you something like the following:

 

"I'm not a homeschool mom.  I'm just not.  I'm not a teacher, I need a break from my kids every day, I can't be around them ALL the time, I don't have patience, I don't want to take on the whole responsibility for my kids' education, I just can't do it."

 

Are they looking for support for their decision?  For me to say that none of those things are really how our homeschool looks?

 

My first reaction was to make a joke about me in a denim jumper, but I didn't do that.  I wasn't sure what to say, so I just said that any choice she made wasn't permanent until college.

 

I mean, I didn't want to be another person pressuring to homeschool, but I didn't want to leave the impression that I'm patient all the time because I'm not, that I don't get breaks from my kids...because most of the afternoons they play quietly while the little ones nap and I have plenty of time to myself, that I haven't delegated some of my responsibilities out because thank you Memoria Press, and that she could very well do it.  I didn't say all that, but I was just left feeling the wrong way about her characterization of homeschooling.

 

I don't know what I'm asking really, but something about, "I'm not a homeschool mom" just struck me the wrong way, and at the same time there seemed to be this elevated view of how homeschool moms interact with our kids.  Like we must be perfect and want to do this every day for it to work for us.  I don't find that to be true, but didn't want to sound defensive or sensitive.

 

Would you have responded in anyway or just let it lie?

"Well, you have to do what you know is right for you and for your family."

[Valley Girl]

Sounds like she's being made to feel guilty for not wanting to homeschool. As a homeschool mom who has never wanted to teach, I'd probably say something like "You shouldn't feel as though you have to homeschool. There are good reasons to do it, and there are equally good reasons not to do it. The worst reason to do it is because people are pressuring you. You know your own kids and your own family. Pick what's going to work for your situation. If it doesn't work, you're not tied to that decision. In the meantime, tell everybody who's bugging you to go pound sand."

[8circles]

I would probably validate her choice not to homeschool.  But I don't think her vent would have bothered me.  I think many of her fears are very real & I can honestly say that I've felt that way many times.  I do find it hard for many of the reasons she outlines.  But I've decided that homeschooling is best for us anyway - other people may make the other choice and that's OK, too.

[LucyStoner]

"I hear you. You know what's best for your child and your family. Tune out anyone who tells you otherwise."

[EmseB]

Ok, well you guys make it seem so simple. :) I don't know why I felt caught off guard now. Maybe just the idea of her thinking she's can't handle being a homeschool mom and me thinking of the circus I've got going on over here and thinking I'm messing it up every single day.

[Bluegoat]

I suppose what I would wonder is if, aside from outside pressure, she felt some internal pressure.  Maybe she thinks the schools aren't good, for example, and is worried that she is going to let her kids down.

 

If that might be true, maybe I would just ask - are there reasons's you'd like to homeschool, or is it just that you feel like people are saying you should?

[ThisIsTheDay]

I'd probably laugh it off with a, "I'm not a homeschool mom either!" and then pass the bean dip.,

[DesertBlossom]

"I'm grateful that there are so many more educational options now and families can choose what is best for their family and children."

Edited February 13, 2016 by DesertBlossom

[Tsuga]

Ok, well you guys make it seem so simple. :) I don't know why I felt caught off guard now. Maybe just the idea of her thinking she's can't handle being a homeschool mom and me thinking of the circus I've got going on over here and thinking I'm messing it up every single day.

Well it is simple--when it's someone else in the past on the Internet.

 

I probably would have stuck my foot in my mouth and down my throat and out my belly button of faced with this situation unexpectedly in real life.

[creekland]

Ok, well you guys make it seem so simple. :) I don't know why I felt caught off guard now. Maybe just the idea of her thinking she's can't handle being a homeschool mom and me thinking of the circus I've got going on over here and thinking I'm messing it up every single day.

 

We all want to fit in with our peer groups and we all have our visions of what those groups are like.  Those visions may or may not be correct.  We all know homeschoolers vary considerably, but the "outside" rarely realizes that unless they have contact with homeschoolers.

 

I suspect it was bugging her that many in her circle homeschool and she just doesn't see herself wanting to do that most of all and fitting into her stereotype secondly.  That bothers people - we're outside our group.  It doesn't seem right.  We have to come to terms with it and validations from others can help.

 

THEN, add to it that her kids are involved.  All of us want what's best for our kids, but we all have to make massive decisions for them that will affect their lives without knowing what those future paths will bring down the road.  We do our best.  Fortunately, most paths have a decent ending, but we worry about the few that don't.

 

So... no pressure!   :lol:   I understand her angst.  She was looking for validation.  At this point, there's no reason to think that ps is going to hurt her kids, so if that's what she's leaning toward, I see no reason to try to convince her otherwise.  I'd feel the same way if she were considering homeschooling TBH.

 

And for those of us who are homeschooling, there's no reason to think we're ruining our kids (in general) either even though we all have our different school models.  Individually we want to assess how our kids are doing and what we might want to modify, but overall?  There's no single "right" system or way to do it.

[8circles]

Ok, well you guys make it seem so simple. :) I don't know why I felt caught off guard now. Maybe just the idea of her thinking she's can't handle being a homeschool mom and me thinking of the circus I've got going on over here and thinking I'm messing it up every single day.

Sometimes the stars just aren't aligned and things seem awkward that wouldn't have on another day. :)

[EmseB]

We all want to fit in with our peer groups and we all have our visions of what those groups are like.  Those visions may or may not be correct.  We all know homeschoolers vary considerably, but the "outside" rarely realizes that unless they have contact with homeschoolers.

 

I suspect it was bugging her that many in her circle homeschool and she just doesn't see herself wanting to do that most of all and fitting into her stereotype secondly.  That bothers people - we're outside our group.  It doesn't seem right.  We have to come to terms with it and validations from others can help.

 

THEN, add to it that her kids are involved.  All of us want what's best for our kids, but we all have to make massive decisions for them that will affect their lives without knowing what those future paths will bring down the road.  We do our best.  Fortunately, most paths have a decent ending, but we worry about the few that don't.

 

So... no pressure!   :lol:   I understand her angst.  She was looking for validation.  At this point, there's no reason to think that ps is going to hurt her kids, so if that's what she's leaning toward, I see no reason to try to convince her otherwise.  I'd feel the same way if she were considering homeschooling TBH.

 

And for those of us who are homeschooling, there's no reason to think we're ruining our kids (in general) either even though we all have our different school models.  Individually we want to assess how our kids are doing and what we might want to modify, but overall?  There's no single "right" system or way to do it.

 

I appreciate this post, especially the last two paragraphs.

 

I should have clarified -- I don't think she belongs to a circle of friends that are homeschoolers.  In our group of friends from long ago I know I'm the only one that does, and she has her oldest in prek currently, so I think it is more just her one family member that is being particularly intrusive about it.

 

Which makes it even more apparent to me that she wasn't looking for me to come back with any kind of encouragement or discouragement in either direction but just wanted to vent about her current situation and choices moving forward.  I think the fact that I homeschool was probably incidental to the whole conversation and maybe she didn't even think about her comments in light of me as a homeschooler.  I just took them more personally because...well I just tend to do that.

[SKL]

I do think there are traits that make some people better able to homeschool than others.  I have a relative who is struggling with her young child's education situation, and I'd never suggest homeschooling to her in a million years.  :P  It's not that homeschoolers are "perfect," but some people can do that for extended periods of each day, and some people really can't or shouldn't.  :)  Well, I'm an accountant, and I'm sure many people say the same about accounting.  :)

 

I think your friend is really stressed out and feeling pulled in different directions.  And she's not really sure what would be best for her child, because there's really no way to guess the future results of reasonable choice A vs. reasonable choice B.  I think you were right to tell her that whatever choice she makes, she can always change her mind if it isn't going well.  Just keep being supportive of her as a good mom doing her best to choose right for her family.

[Plink]

From what you mentioned of the conversation, I'd take it that she has not even the slightest interest in homeschooling.  My response would be something like "There is no reason for you to feel obligated to homeschool.  It isn't for everyone.  Some days, it isn't even for me."

 

Side note: Despite you not mentioning school choices to her, she may feel pressured to follow in your example if you are someone she generally looks up to.  Take her words as a compliment that you (appear to) have it all together, and are doing a good job with your family.

[KungFuPanda]

From what she said, I'm inclined to believe her. How she feels about herself has NOTHING to do with anyone else nor does it imply that she thinks of YOU in a certain way. She's wrapped up in her own dilemma right now and needs support. I wouldn't fabricate offense where none is intended.

[Momto6inIN]

I have friends that say the same thing. One would be the greatest homeschool mom ever but she doesn't want to do it. I always just say "You absolutely could homeschool if you desired. But there is nothing wrong with not homeschooling or not even wanting to try. It isn't for everyone. We enjoy it and it works for us right now."

 

:iagree:

This is pretty much what I say:

"Of course you could if you wanted to. Being a mom is the hard part, not the schooling part, and you're already doing that. But not wanting to is perfectly fine too. It doesn't fit everybody. It's not the right choice for everybody." shrug

 

When I hear this IRL it's usually from a younger mom who feels a big religious pressure to homeschool, as if it's somehow a more holy way to raise your kids. And most of the ones who tell me they couldn't do it are, I think, looking for reassurance from me that they're still a good mom and that they're still making good choices for their kids and that I'm not judging them for their choice. When I respond this way, they all seem reassured on all counts. :)

 

And I also feel like I've debunked the mystique of the amazingly patient homeschool mom LOL

[OnMyOwn]

It sounds to me like she was just looking for support in her decision not to homeschool.