Take the leap or wait... WWYD?

[egao_gakari]

Newbie here, nice to meet you all! Looking forward to your advice.

 

It's a bit of a complicated situation, but I'll explain it as briefly as I can. I'm getting married in September. DH-to-be has full custody of his 2 kids, DD8 and DS10. I have a great relationship with the kiddos, and ever since they found out I was homeschooled as a kid they've been super interested to try it. They currently attend the best school in the region (Chinese immersion charter school). Under normal circumstances, I'd hold off a year or so before attempting homeschooling with them, since I figure my moving in will be enough upheaval for a bit. (We love each other, but I'm not yet at Mom-status in their lives.) However...

 

DS10 hates school. Hates hates hates it. It's an accelerated, challenging program, but he's bored stiff. He struggles with depression issues, and when he's bored he can't stop his mind going to the worst things in his life. (Mom abandoned them, they recently moved so he doesn't see his neighbor friend anymore, etc.) He cries before school more days than not, because he dreads the thoughts that occupy him during a boring class. (Yes, he is in therapy.) The school rules are beyond strict, which doesn't help. (During recess they aren't allowed to play any games that involve teams because somebody's feelings might get hurt about not being on the same team as their friends. Also no games that involve winning or losing. No trading of toys like matchbox cars, because somebody might change their mind and get upset. I wish I were exaggerating.) Chinese class has doubled in length this year (5th grade), and he doesn't see the point of it, and the academic load is just crushing his spirit. He's a bright kid and this combination of circumstances is making him give up on learning. My heart hurts for him, and it makes me want to jump into homeschooling right away once I move in, at least for him. (DD8 still likes school just fine, although I imagine she might feel left out if her brother got to stay home and she didn't.)

 

There's a less-rigid charter school in the area that begins in 7th grade, so if homeschooling 6th grade doesn't work, that one would be an option. The local public schools are not good.

 

Additionally, we're faithful Catholics and while we'll be using NFP, there's no guarantee we'll be any good at it.  :P  I have no idea how I'll handle pregnancy although we're hoping for the best.

 

Pretty complicated, right? So what would you do? Anybody have similar experiences?  :confused1:

[abba12]

Nothing even remotely similar

 

But I'd go for it. You can always send them back next year, they aren't happy at school, you have been homeschooled so it's not like this is some giant leap into the unknown, you have some idea of what to expect so it shouldn't be too much stress on you as the teacher/parent while managing a new marriage, and it could be a great way to bond with your new stepsons if they are enthusiastic.

 

If they didn't want to do it it would be a whole other kettle of fish. But, they WANT to try out homeschooling, you are able to try it without it being the huge learning curve many parents face, and you have a backup plan for the following year. As one graduated homeschooler to another, why not?

Edited January 30, 2016 by abba12

[Mama Geek]

Are you prepared to deal with the issues that come along with their mother abandoning them on a day in and day out basis?  It will not be all flowers and roses.  There are going to be problems with these kids.  I don't know what your background is so I am just posing the question of do you have the skills needed to help the kids.  My guess is the boy's issues are more about him than the school.  

[egao_gakari]

Are you prepared to deal with the issues that come along with their mother abandoning them on a day in and day out basis?  It will not be all flowers and roses.  There are going to be problems with these kids.  I don't know what your background is so I am just posing the question of do you have the skills needed to help the kids.  My guess is the boy's issues are more about him than the school.  

 

The school issues are definitely exacerbated by the Mom issues, no question. DD8 has less memory of the divorce and the brief period of joint custody before their mother decided she couldn't handle it and voluntarily gave up custody--and DD8 has exhibited far fewer emotional problems thus far. She has mentioned that she feels like her big brother has the monopoly on being sad, though. They see their mom once/week for 2 hours and don't often express interest in seeing her more than that.

 

As a child of divorce myself, I definitely understand (to a certain extent) the pain of wishing daily that one of your parents was just different. Not a different person, and not that they would change in the present, but just that from the beginning they been less selfish and more loving. From that perspective, I'm prepared and I'm fully aware that it won't be flowers and roses. We have done pretty extensive premarital counseling, using self-directed workbooks as well as meeting with spiritual leaders and secular therapists.

 

On the other hand, there's simply no predicting how they will develop emotionally as teenagers... right now, considering all they've been through, they are remarkably well-adjusted, polite, obedient and respectful kids, but I know that hereditary mental illness often doesn't manifest until young adulthood. We're aware that's a possibility and I'm also aware that being with them on a day-in day-out basis will mean that I become the primary comforter/ handler of their emotions. I'm nervous about it, yes. (Thus why I'm asking advice!) But being something of a cock-eyed optimist at heart, I hope the extra time with me will be bonding and perhaps healing. I'll have to deal with their emotions daily whether they are in school or at home, after all...

[foxbridgeacademy]

I would definitely HS DS as long as their are no roadblocks to him going to the new charter in 7th if he wants to.  I'd look into HSing groups in your area so he can make some new connections to help fill the gap of the missed neighborhood kids.  I'd tell DD since her school experience is going along fine and that you're new to this that it might be better if she stays in PS for now.  Bring her in on the discussion and decision and she'll be less likely to put up a fuss. 

Make sure that you take the time to De-school and get to know his learning style before you jump into a particular curriculum.

[egao_gakari]

I would definitely HS DS as long as their are no roadblocks to him going to the new charter in 7th if he wants to. I'd look into HSing groups in your area so he can make some new connections to help fill the gap of the missed neighborhood kids. I'd tell DD since her school experience is going along fine and that you're new to this that it might be better if she stays in PS for now. Bring her in on the discussion and decision and she'll be less likely to put up a fuss.

Make sure that you take the time to De-school and get to know his learning style before you jump into a particular curriculum.

Thanks for your comment! How would you describe de-schooling? Is it just hanging out together and letting him choose our daily activities? And is there a set of criteria to judge his learning style, or should i just go with my gut?

 

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[kbutton]

What if you come up with some specific fall back plans and plans to work on specific potential issues before jumping in?

 

It sounds like school has offered some specific problems to solve that could get you started on that list. :-) 

 

I would get input from your support team (therapists, etc.) on what to prioritize and see how homeschooling would help (or not help) that. I would want help in managing expectations for sure. 

 

A lot of what you've mentioned seems to go along with gifted stuff too--emotions, boredom, what KIND of challenge is meaningful to the child (not all gifted kids like the same kinds of challenges), etc. I would really want to take that into account in your planning. That just exacerbates all of the other variables.

[Heather in VA]

I would wonder if there is any concern that homeschooling would spawn a desire in the mother to ask for custody back. She might be ok with things are they are now but then knowing that not only are her kids going to be living with a new mother figure but that person is going to be teaching them school, it might spark a desire to undermine that relationship. Custody agreements are often agreeable to everyone until there is a new person. 

 

If your fiancé has an attorney or mediator he might want to run it by that person to see what your options might be if the mother decides to use it as a reason to change the agreement.

[foxbridgeacademy]

Thanks for your comment! How would you describe de-schooling? Is it just hanging out together and letting him choose our daily activities? And is there a set of criteria to judge his learning style, or should i just go with my gut?

 

Sent from my SCL23 using Tapatalk

For us deschooling was yes to some extent just hanging out.  Tell him he gets a short break then work on figuring out who he is away from the stress.  As for learning style, I wasn't very good at that for a long time.  I tried to fit my kids into how I teach instead of adjusting my teaching to the way they learn.  I'm sure others have a lot better advice than I can give on the subject.  You should keyword search this board (do the advanced and limit it to title if you want but definitely put your terms in quotes).

[Haiku]

I would not do it. All of you will be undergoing huge changes that you probably can't even anticipate just from the marriage/change in living arrangements. Adding homeschooling on to that, especially as you are trying to negotiate a mom-kid relationship, is probably too much, especially for a kid with emotional problems. I went through a similar situation in trying to homeschool my recently-adopted 11 year old daughter, and it didn't work out, so on top of the expected issues surrounding huge life changes, we had added feelings of failure surrounding homeschooling.

 

If the child is miserable at his school, I would find a less demanding school. But I would not put all the stress on you and your relationship by hoping to fix the problems by homeschooling.

[MooCow]

I would let him do some interest led projects and follow his rabbit trails in the beginning. I personally would start 'schooling' and have a schedule from the get go and follow his sister's school calendar. (ETA: I know this sounds opposite of my first sentence)Join a homeschool group, co-op, park or library book club. I would also keep a portfolio in case he ends up going back to school.

If I've learned anything from my experience,my gifted boys with emotional issues need to stay busy as boredom can lead to unsavory thoughts/actions.

 

Also, lots of sports.

Edited January 31, 2016 by MooCow

[Janeway]

Charter schools are really hard to get in to here. You might want to make sure he can really go back if you pull him.

 

Another thing to consider is..this family is very new. I am sure you will do great! But, jumping straight to home schooling might not be a good idea as you will be going from no kids, to being their mom and a new wife all in one fell swoop. You may want to at least consider waiting until spring or even the next fall, after the family has had some time to adjust to the new family you are creating.

[Garga]

I would not do it the first year of marriage. New husband plus 2 new children? Huge life change and stressor.

 

Put him in the easier school for a year and then reassess. Can he transfer to that school right now, or will he have to slog through 4 more months?

 

Even so, there will be big adjustments over the next year. It will be difficult to anticipate the issues that may arise. Also, being homeschooled is waaaay different from homeschooling. My kids have no clue about the enormous time commitment I have to planning and researching, or the tremendous pressure I feel about every aspect of schooling them. That is not something to take on in the first year of forming a family unit. Too much, too soon.

 

I'd only homeschool in your situation if it was dire and I was at my last choice. Try the other school first. Spend the next year researching homeschool and start homeschooling in the 2017-2018 school year if it's still what you want to do.

 

Note: as always with advice I give, feel free to disregard it if you feel I'm not seeing the whole picture.

Edited January 31, 2016 by Garga

[scoutingmom]

I would not do it. I've been in a similarish position, newly married, 11yo struggling in school, wants to homeschool. Not thrilled about my existance, but not hostile either. I said no. My relationship with the kids ended up being pretty rocky for a long time. Homeschooling her would not have worked.You have no idea at this point if things are going to go smoothly with the kids once you are married at this point. It will take time for things to be normal.

 

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[mtomom]

I wouldn't. You all have major adjustments to go through and adding the expectations that have to come with a change to homeschooling to an already full mix of emotions seems like a gamble with a potentially harmful downside. I wouldn't take that risk.

 

Someone up-thread mentioned custody potentially becoming an issue as well, and I have seen that happen with new step parents and homeschooling both.

 

It seems being a supportive adult in his life would be better than being a homeschooling adult basically.

 

Does he have any other schooling options for next year? If you have to do something for his well-being (therapist agreeing), maybe online public school is an option in your state? You could still play supportive adult while someone else does the teaching, authority, accountability role. 

 

Poor kid.

Edited January 31, 2016 by mtomom

[LanaTron]

I was going to post earlier, then I read all the responses, and decided not to post because I thought I must be wrong. Then I read this: http://heidistjohn.com/homeschooling/homeschooling-held-hostage (Christian content) 

 

So, I will say what I was thinking when I first read your post:

 

I would probably homeschool him.

 

But my focus would NOT be on the school part of homeschool. My priority would be on continuing to build a relationship with him, and focusing on helping him heal, developing a stable mother-son relationship he can trust and feel secure in. Homeschooling will allow you to focus on his needs without having the pressures of meeting the needs of the school.

 

I would tell DD8 that she needs to continue to go to school, at least for a little while. Tell her that you need to make sure you can do this and establish a routine with DS10. Once I see that things are going well with him, I would then consider bringing her home.

 

I would probably only do 2-3 academic subjects formally (like math, writing, reading or whatever you consider to be key). I would unschool the rest with lots of trips to the library, museums, park, whatever. BUT I would work on having boundaries and structure built into the day (like no screen time until after 5 pm or something like that). Lots of cooking together, reading together, running errands together. 

 

I would NOT get involved in co-ops or classes or too many things where you have to be at a certain place at a certain time, at least not in the first year. Those reduce freedom to choose what you need to do for your family on a week-to-week and day-to-day basis. I WOULD consider a support group with field trips and park days or other social events. Those you commit to on a one-by-one basis, and you can usually bow out of them if something comes up.

 

In other words, reduce the "have to" notions of homeschooling and do what meets the needs of your new family!

 

God bless you as you begin this next stage of your life.  :001_smile:

 

 

[egao_gakari]

Wow, everybody has been so kind and well-thought-out! I don't have time to respond to all of you individually, but please know that all your input is appreciated, and keep it coming if you have more to add!

 

About custody: This was an aspect I hadn't thought about at all. I asked my fiance and he said he had thought about it, and it's possible the kids' mom will put up a (legal) fuss. (The charter school was her idea in the first place, and she is an angry, bitter, prideful person, so I think even if we just changed to a different school she would be angry.) However, she has a history of filing complaints and then not showing up for court, being rude to the judge, and in general wasting the courts' time. He doesn't think any legal action she would take would be successful. But if we do decide to make any changes to the kids' education, we're going to consult his attorney.

 

About other public/charter school options: the local public school isn't good--my fiance went there growing up and doesn't want to send his kids there. The only other charter school we know of begins in 7th grade, so he'd have to wait it out the remainder of this year and all of next year at his current school. (And like most charter schools, it uses a lottery system and only about 1/3 of applicants are accepted.) I'm not sure about online public school options in our state--I'll do a bit of research.

 

About homeschooling methods: Before making this post, I had figured that for the first year we'd require math and ELA, and let him choose what else to learn about. (With our guidance, of course.) It sounds like that's what most of the people on the "do it" side are recommending, so that's encouraging to hear :) My main goal is to reignite his interest in learning, asking questions, and finding answers. (My fiance used to be a math teacher before he changed careers, so he'd teach the math lessons and I'd do the ELA lessons.) I am not a rigid curriculum person... I still remember how much I despised Saxon Math 3 in my childhood. If we were to do this, I wouldn't be re-creating school at home so much as creating a home environment that supports and encourages learning.

 

Still though, comparing all the ways it could go right to all the ways it could go wrong, at the moment I'm leaning slightly towards not taking him out of school until after we've been married 6 months to a year, and continuing to work on bonding with them both outside of school. If things haven't improved by the end of this school year, maybe we'll have a family sit-down with his therapist and find out what the therapist thinks would be a good idea.

[Targhee]

I would not do it. All of you will be undergoing huge changes that you probably can't even anticipate just from the marriage/change in living arrangements. Adding homeschooling on to that, especially as you are trying to negotiate a mom-kid relationship, is probably too much, especially for a kid with emotional problems. I went through a similar situation in trying to homeschool my recently-adopted 11 year old daughter, and it didn't work out, so on top of the expected issues surrounding huge life changes, we had added feelings of failure surrounding homeschooling.

 

If the child is miserable at his school, I would find a less demanding school. But I would not put all the stress on you and your relationship by hoping to fix the problems by homeschooling.

Add to this that boys ages 10-14 can be really hard to homeschool! Every child has his or her days, but I see so many posts and hear so much commentary from my friends about how this age of boys is hard.

 

I wouldn't do it. Help him after school, support him, patiently develop your relationship, but I don't think I'd do this.

[mathnerd]

I wouldn't do it. Help him after school, support him, patiently develop your relationship, but I don't think I'd do this.

Exactly this.

[SebastianCat]

Have you read the recent thread about 12-year-old boys?   Your soon-to-be stepson is on the verge of puberty and is already struggling.   I don't think it's a good idea for you to step in to be both stepmom and teacher at the same time at such a critical age.    I love my DS to death, but 6th grade was NOT a fun year for either of us.   And that's with no major transitions in living situation or curriculum, and having homeschooled since kindergarten.  

 

If he needs to move to an easier school for 6th grade, his parents should make that decision together.   I think your heart is in the right place but I think new marriage + new living situation + step children + difficult relationship with mom + impending puberty + attempting to homeschool for the first time = potential disaster.    I recommend taking homeschooling completely "off the table" for at least a year, and focus on just building trust and respect between your new family unit.    Then if homeschooling still sounds like a good idea after you've built those relationships, go for it.

[OneStepAtATime]

Have you read the recent thread about 12-year-old boys?   Your soon-to-be stepson is on the verge of puberty and is already struggling.   I don't think it's a good idea for you to step in to be both stepmom and teacher at the same time at such a critical age.    I love my DS to death, but 6th grade was NOT a fun year for either of us.   And that's with no major transitions in living situation or curriculum, and having homeschooled since kindergarten.  

 

If he needs to move to an easier school for 6th grade, his parents should make that decision together.   I think your heart is in the right place but I think new marriage + new living situation + step children + difficult relationship with mom + impending puberty + attempting to homeschool for the first time = potential disaster.    I recommend taking homeschooling completely "off the table" for at least a year, and focus on just building trust and respect between your new family unit.    Then if homeschooling still sounds like a good idea after you've built those relationships, go for it.

Agreed.  And hugs.  And congratulations on your marriage.  :)

[Pen]

Like others here I think that dd should stay in school for time being at least since it seems to be okay for her, and with the sort of explanations suggested.

 

In the case of ds, given his distresses, I would seriously consider giving the homeschooling a try if it is something that you feel called toward, and with similar ideas to keep it light (or unschooled) at first, and with an emphasis on bonding and healing time.

 

To me his age plays in the direction of a "take the leap" rather than wait, because IMO, both bonding and directing schooling will be easier with a 10yo than it will be with an 11, 12, 13, etc. year old. To me this is a glorious opportunity for bonding while he is still basically a "little boy" and probably not yet into the "12 year old boys" stage. At least in my experience, 10 was still a pretty easy age to homeschool. In fact, quite excellent because he was old enough to be learning interesting things, but young enough not to be needing to be rebellious and contrary.

 

Though from very different initial circumstances, my ds is adopted, and homeschooling was a great chance to bond with him.

 

ETA: You already do know these children to some degree, and maybe can already go with "mommy-gut" feelings to some degree, even though you are not their mom.  If you think homeschool and time with you would be healing and bonding there is a good chance that is so.  Additionally, trying to cope with issues from school unhappiness, in the few hours left over afterschool, could also put a big strain on this newly forming family unit. Possibly being able to allow ds to unschool with books and materials that do not bore him, and with much less stress and pressure, would ease the whole family's pressures and stresses.

Edited February 4, 2016 by Pen

[JadeOrchidSong]

Considering how miserable he is at this school, I would definitely either put him in a different school or homeschool him.

It would be easier if he goes to a different school for the first year of your marriage. You can then homeschool him a year later. If he adjusts well in the new school and likes it enough, you can then let him choose to either homeschool or stay in the new school.

I see NO reason for him to stay in the current school. I am Chinese and I know how demanding Chinese schools generally are. I would hate the recess as much as any child would in that circumstance. That alone is depression inducing. NO learning can happen when ds is under that much stress.

[JadeOrchidSong]

Or homeschool him, focusing on building relationship and only 2 to 3 core subjects.

[Reefgazer]

I can see how any of your other choices would make sense and how you might opt for them, but one thing for sure I would do is get that kid out of his current environment; it sounds stifling.  We began homeschooling in 6th grade, and as it turns out, it was a great time to begin homeschooling.  You still have time before high school "OMG-this-counts" kicks in, and you can take your homeschool in so many directions and free the child up to pursue his interests and develop passions.  I think I might (oh, heck, I did!) try it for the rest of the year.  I think there is little to lose and much to gain, especially if this becomes a nice bonding time for you and the kids.