I need positive school stories, please.

[Desert Strawberry]

We are doing it. I'm calling the school today. Aries is not thriving here and needs more help than I can give him. 

I'm dying a little inside. 

He has ASD/ADHD. I just can't motivate him, I don't know what he's missing. I just don't know what to do. It's time. 

I never planned to send any of my kids to school. I'm just not prepared for this. 

I still haven't come to terms with his diagnosis. I just can't see him that way (don't take this the wrong way. Sagg is also on the spectrum. I'm fine with that. it just doesn't seem like HIM, iykyim). 

We moved to a better neighborhood with a good school. We are open to options. I know this is what we need to do. We all agree. 

I don't know what I'm afraid of. I know I will miss him. It feels like I'm losing him. Like he's going away. Like I may never get him back. 
 

I feel like I'm losing my identity as a homeschooler. Like this is a slippery slope towards sending all of my kids and losing this dream that I have loved so much. I feel like a failure and a traitor. 

I still want to bring him home. I'm hoping that we send him now, learn what he needs, figure out a way to give him the help he needs, and still have him here, at least part-time. 

Tell me great stories about how school helped your struggling child. Tell me how you were still able to homeschool your other kids. Tell me that this is not a terrible mistake. 

 

 

[KrissiK]

((Hugs))). I am so sorry you are going through this. We sent our oldest to Catholic School this year for 7th grade, while continuing to homeschool our other 4. His behaviour at home and unwillingness to cooperate made it impossible to homeschool him, plus it was having a very detrimental effect on me and the other kids. It's been hard. I experienced all the feelings you described, but finally... sometimes you have to let go of that dream and do what's best for the child. Otherwise it becomes a pride issue. For us, it definitely was the best decision. He's been doing well in school. Well, his grades are all over the board, but he seems to like it and it is so much better for us at home.

[Doodlebug]

First, big hugs to you.  

 

We are facing a similar decision for next year, and I totally relate to your feelings and fears.

 

Try not to look too far down the road, forecasting.  You know what your son needs now, and that's the most important thing.  Tomorrow will inform you of its needs when it comes.  Stay here, focused on what's in front of you right now.  

 

As I type this, I thought of 2 homeschooling families in my little circle who have only one of their children in school.  One family sends their special needs 2nd grader to school while the rest of the kids are homeschooled.  Another family sends their 4th grade son to school because his personality demanded more structure than his mom/teacher of 5 could offer.  In both cases, school has enabled homeschooling.

 

Doodle 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

..

Edited January 29, 2016 by OKBud

[Desert Strawberry]

Thank you. I feel less horrible knowing that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I know my extended family will reaction a sigh of relief and "Finally!". It seems most people think it's foolish to even NOT want him in school in the first place. I'm bracing myself for all the comment about how much more sensible it will be to have him ( and possibly all of them) at school.

If this goes well, we will probably send Gem to first grade next year. I'm aching at the thought, but he has been asking for years.  He had speech therapy at a school and he thinks it will be super fun. I think we will send him for a year, let him get it out of his system and then bring him home. Or not. If he loves it, he might always want to stay. 

 

I just never thought we would be here, doing this. 

 

And yes. It is pride. I want things to go MY way. I want to be right. But I'm not. 
 

[kentuckymom]

Yes, school really can be a place where atypical kids get the help and structure they need and thrive. School has been a mixed bag for my dyslexic and ADHDish (no diagnosis, but quite a few signs) kid, but the structure has actually been quite good for him overall. We're considering homeschooling him just for middle school and my biggest fear is that I won't be able to provide the discipline and structure he needs. That kind of thing is not my strong point. And if we do homeschool him for a few years, it will be partly enabled by the fact that his sister will be starting public school. I know there are tons of people who homeschool multiple kids and do it well, but I know I personally couldn't meet the needs of two kids at such different levels in school and with such different personalities and do them both justice. So, yes, if you can meet the needs of your other kids at home better by having Aries at school, go for it!

 

As others have said, it doesn't have to be forever. It may be that he gets some intervention he needs at school and is able to come home later. It may be that school is the best place for him long term, and that doesn't make you a bad mom or a bad homeschooler. I used to think that public school was the best choice for most kids. I know there are people who think homeschool is the best choice for all (or most) kids, but now that I've sent one kid most of the way through public elementary school and gotten to know several homeschool families, I think that there's no one method of education that's best for every kid.

 

Some kids will thrive best at home. Some will thrive best in school. Some could do wonderfully in either place. The key is to find what is best for your kid and, if you have a kid who could do well anywhere, you find what's best for your family and your values.

 

Your relatives might think you're weird if you end up with some kids at school and some at home, but it doesn't matter what they think. It matters what will be the best choice for your kids and your family.

[katilac]

We have several schools in my area that aren't good fits for strong, typical students, but that excel in specific areas. Kind of like one of our local universities, that is RNP (rank not published) but has renowned engineering and business departments. 

 

My dds have not been in school, but I know plenty of great kids (some are adults by now) from every situation: home school, public, private. Different people thrive in different situations. 

 

It's hard when our vision gets kicked in the butt. Kudos to you for being brave and selfless enough to try something new that may help him. 

[Desert Strawberry]

Here's part of what I'm struggling with. It seems that everything I hear about schools is universally negative. Even from pro-school people. There is so much red tape, so many hoops to jump through, so many restrictions, pressures, testing, discipline problems, complicated protocols, so little flexibilty, so little respect for the needs of the child and family. I understand that the school is an institution and must serve the needs of the many. But it does feel to me like I have to give up any hope for control over our lives. 
I'm struggling with how I'm going to take Luna to her medical appointments an hour away and still be here in time to get Aries off and on the bus. I've never had to take those kind of things into account. That's just one example. The whole idea that I have to be a super involved advocate for my child and be up the teacher's behind all the time to make sure they give him what he needs. What am I going to do with my other kids during meetings at the school? 
Ugh, it just all feels insurmountable. This is supposed to HELP us, but I'm afraid it's just going to make it worse. 

[wapiti]

I strongly suggest cross-posting on the Learning Challenges forum.

 

While a big adjustment in daily routine may be daunting, the choice is not a permanent one.

[Soror]

Hugs. I have no experience to share but I hope it goes well for your family. Of course school isn't universally negative, plenty are thriving in traditional school, you just don't usually hear that among hs'ers as that isn't the population that decides to hs. Nothing is set in stone, no decision is forever, give it a bit of time for adjustment but remmeber you still can bring him home if need be.

[Susan in TX]

You really don't know if putting him in school will be better or worse. Some school situations are great, some are awful, and a lot are in between. It all depends on the individual, the school, and the individual teachers and administrators. We put my son in middle school in 8th grade. He is on the spectrum. He got the testing he needed and the school made the right accommodations for him. There was an awesome assistant principal there who worked with him. There were definitely problems...but there was also support from the school in dealing with the problems.

 

My son did well in 9th grade as well but by 10th grade he lost all interest in school and the support was not there at the high school. He was able to move to our districts alternative high school. That went well  for him but he struggled with the English STAAR test. The state would not allow the accommodation he needed to pass that test. This demoralised him. Why bother doing all this work to get through high school since he couldn't graduate anyway. He pretty much gave up so we pulled him out to "homeschool" the rest of senior year.

 

So, no, it wasn't a perfect situation but we did what we had to do. He wasn't doing well at home when we put him in school. School of any sort was always a struggle for him. If I had to do it over, I wouldn't do anything differently. No, he didn't "graduate" high school. But he is now almost 19, has a job working for Dominos Pizza, and he's happy.

 

Susan in TX

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

The best thing you can do for yourself and your family right now is to try really, really hard to embrace the idea that there are many ways to educate and many seasons in a child's and a family's life.  There is no one size fits all for all kids all the time.  There just isn't.  Some kids do better in a brick and mortar setting.  Some kids may need that for just a short time.  Some kids do better with that forever.  Some kids do better with homeschooling, either for a bit or for their entire academic career.  There is no one right answer.  I think this is where our educational system (homeschooling/brick and mortar/etc.) fails the most.  People get entrenched in seeing only one way to do things.  You are not failing your child by trying out something else when what is currently being done isn't working well.  You are actually doing the right thing by your child, IMHO.  You are exploring other options when current options are not a good fit.  Where kids and families can really suffer is when there is no flexibility and no willingness to look at different courses of action.

 

FWIW, my kids were in a brick and mortar school for years.  It was never really a good fit for DD and eventually we brought her home for 6th grade.  She is much more productive and happier as a homeschooler.  Because she was in brick and mortar for years she is very focused on getting things done at home.  She does not want to go back.  Because of that, her motivation is high.  She works hard every day.  If, however, she had only ever homeschooled, I am positive I would have serious attitude issues to deal with now.  She can be very set in her ways, really stubborn (you should have seen us trying to potty train).  If she doesn't see purpose in something she shuts down.  Instead, because she sees the value in homeschooling, she is a joy to teach now.  Is every day a picnic?  No.   :)  But honestly, homeschooling my stubborn child who hated school has been a surprisingly positive experience.

 

DS, on the other hand, was my kid who loved school and academics.  I always thought he would be easy to teach.  He enjoyed being in school right up until 2nd grade.  I was amazed at how great a fit school was for him.  He thrived there (until 2nd grade and an awful teacher).  When I brought him home to homeschool I really envisioned it being MUCH easier to teach him than his sister.  I was crushed when things did not go as planned.  For various reasons, homeschooling is not working for him.  I am seeking options for a way to get him back into school.  I love him and want what is best for him.  If homeschooling were working I would absolutely continue.  Since it isn't, I am exploring other options.  Not because I am a failure or he is a bad kid but because I want what is best for him.  Who knows?  Maybe he will go to school for a couple of years and decide homeschooling is better in the long run.  Great.  If he makes that request I will consider our situation at that time and absolutely bring him home if it seems the best course of action.  Or maybe he will decide staying in a brick and mortar school is his best option and if we all agree, then stay he will.  The main thing is that he thrives both academically and emotionally and that our family functions in a positive way.  Achieving that may take leaps of faith, outside the box thinking and of course flexibility.  

 

I realize how hard this can be.  As someone here once told me, don't let fear of the unknown paralyze you into not doing anything different to try and fix a serious problem.  Try to see this as a new adventure.  Will it take some effort to make this change work?  Yes. But you wouldn't be considering this if what you already have was working well.  Perhaps this will be exactly what is needed to get you and your family to a better place.  You won't know until you try.  Good luck, hugs and best wishes.

Edited January 28, 2016 by OneStepAtATime

[Another Lynn]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I didn't read all the replies.  I did want to let you know we sent our oldest to school (starting his 10th grade year), but continue to homeschool the younger four.  And I expect to continue homeschooling the others.  Even when I knew it was the right thing for him, I still struggled with so many feelings about it.  The last time all of us went to our homeschool "co-op" together, I cried.  And I'm definitely NOT one to cry or show emotion. 

 

I also worried that it would change family dynamics to have one in school, but it really hasn't that much.  The logistics have not impacted homeschooling very much because my dh works near the school and usually handles transportation and most school related issues.  With a younger child who may need an IEP, I can understand your concerns about how it will effect your time and energy. 

 

I can't tell you what you should do, but I understand many of your feelings.   :grouphug: 

[KSinNS]

I know many families in that situation, and their kid (and family) was happier in school. No decision is permanent, either. If you try it, and it doesn't work, little is lost. My kids started in PS, and we did not have bad teachers or anything like that. It was just not the best environment for them to learn. But I have one who may benefit at some point. We're just keeping our options open. Good luck, and doing what your kid needs makes you a great mom and a great educator, whatever that ends up being.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I know someone locally who has a child with that diagnosis.  He goes to school and some of his siblings are homeschooled.  He likes school.  They are good to him there.  It's better for him and the family all around.  I agree no decision has to be permanent. 

[Soror]

 

My son did well in 9th grade as well but by 10th grade he lost all interest in school and the support was not there at the high school. He was able to move to our districts alternative high school. That went well  for him but he struggled with the English STAAR test. The state would not allow the accommodation he needed to pass that test. This demoralised him. Why bother doing all this work to get through high school since he couldn't graduate anyway. He pretty much gave up so we pulled him out to "homeschool" the rest of senior year.

 

I wonder about something like that as well. Our rural area has 2 non-traditional options for highschool, one is an alternative school, which is quite like online school facilitated by the teacher. (from my understanding from a relative that teaches there). The class sizes are WAY smaller to allow for more one on one help and support. There is also a Vo-Tech school, which I think is a partial day program, even hs'ers can use it, I've thought of it for my own as I think it would be a good experience(my own dh took welding classes there). They have everything from computer repair, carpentry, nurse tech, automobile repair and I don't even know what else. We toured the facility with our robotics team and I was impressed- I think it would be a great experience for a lot of kids- thus why I'm considering it here (for us I'm thinking about using it while doing core subjects at home).

Edited January 28, 2016 by soror

[clementine]

I don't have advice or BTDT words of wisdom.  Just by reading your post I can tell that you have put a lot of thought into this; you want the best for your son.  Don't feel like a failure!  If anything, you are trying to give him more.  

 

I hope the transition goes smoothly and you see him thrive.  You're not losing him - you are trying your best to help him.  

 

:grouphug:

[Reefgazer]

I don't think every kid is cut out to be homeschooled, and I don't think that's the failure of a parent at homeschooling.  Give it a go at school - it might turn out great, but if not, you can always explore other options.  And LOL at you not having a hand in educating him anymore!  He'll have homework and projects he'll need your guidance on, for sure!  Good luck!

[Storygirl]

This year we enrolled my youngest three children in school; my oldest is still homeschooling. I was extremely reluctant to give up homeschooling. But things were miserable. For years. Because I was so reluctant to put them into school.

 

Without going into details (because it would be a really long list), all three of them have both learning challenges and personality profiles that made homeschooling extremely difficult. Two of them now have IEPs in process. Having them in school has its own challenges, but it has made things much better at home. I have time to devote to DD14's studies, and I now have some peaceful hours in my day, which benefits me. Homeschooling was taking a major toll on me personally, because I was living in a constant state of stress and conflict. I felt for a long time that it was right to sacrifice my own happiness and well-being in order to meet their needs, but I realized in the end that I couldn't meet their needs when I was so burnt out. I still have days when I think "I could do better than this" when I look at the work they bring home, but it was a really good decision.

 

My three kids LOVE their school. On the first day, DS10 got in the car at the end of the day and announced, "Best day ever!" DD10 did have some trouble adjusting at the beginning, due to issues related to her LD, but she is very connected and happy now. School is hard for them academically, but they are glad to be there.

 

I hope that your son ends up loving his school, too. And even if he doesn't, that your family will thrive under your new arrangement. You are brave to try something new. Parts of it won't be EASY, but hopefully it will be GOOD nonetheless.

[El...]

:grouphug: I am a homeschool grad.  Of the seven kids in my family, no two had the same educational path.  No TWO! 

 

Some went to school for different times and reasons and graduated there; others went and then returned to homeschool; a few went to college early; etc. etc. etc.  What this says to me is that there is no one perfect educational path, and that my parents were fantastically insightful in meeting each child's individual needs. 

 

At one point, my parents used the school to meet their OWN need for a mental health break, and that was a very, very good thing.

 

More hugs to you.  :grouphug:

[Momling]

I've got one daughter who has never wanted to homeschool and one who prefers it. So one loves public school and is thriving there, and one loves homeschooling and is thriving at home. It's not really about me, it's about doing what is right for my kids - giving them the best chance for success. Circumstances change... our kids' needs change.... Public school can be awesome. If it works out - great! If not, re-evaluate your options.

[Sahamamama]

Here's part of what I'm struggling with. It seems that everything I hear about schools is universally negative. Even from pro-school people. There is so much red tape, so many hoops to jump through, so many restrictions, pressures, testing, discipline problems, complicated protocols, so little flexibilty, so little respect for the needs of the child and family. I understand that the school is an institution and must serve the needs of the many. But it does feel to me like I have to give up any hope for control over our lives. 

I'm struggling with how I'm going to take Luna to her medical appointments an hour away and still be here in time to get Aries off and on the bus. I've never had to take those kind of things into account. That's just one example. The whole idea that I have to be a super involved advocate for my child and be up the teacher's behind all the time to make sure they give him what he needs. What am I going to do with my other kids during meetings at the school? 

Ugh, it just all feels insurmountable. This is supposed to HELP us, but I'm afraid it's just going to make it worse. 

 

:grouphug:  If your son needed a long-term form of medical treatment, that would also be complicated. There would be red tape, hoops, restrictions, limitations on your family's control of things, pressures, testing, schedules to keep, forms to fill out, and so on. But you would probably do it, if that was what he really needed, right? I knew a family who (years ago) moved temporarily from New Jersey to Nebraska to seek medical treatment for their child. There are families who move from all over the US to New Jersey for the autism programs we have here. These aren't positive stories, exactly, it's just parents doing what their children need.

 

Maybe it would help to think of school the same way? (I don't know, we're not going through this decision, but it would be heart-wrenching for me. And I would have the same concerns about loss of freedom, fitting in appointments, and coordinating it all with my other children.)

 

But for your son, you have two questions:

 

What does Aries need?

 

Can you (right now, at home) provide it?

 

If the answer is that he needs more than you know how to give him -- and there is an affordable, workable solution called "school" -- then that is the solution (for now).

 

Would it work to put all the school-aged kids in school and become a different kind of mother? Instead of Homeschooling Mom, would you be able to embrace a new role? Advocating Mother? That is to say, let other people do the therapies, lessons, treatments, and so on, while you become the manager of it all? Big calendar on the wall, all the appointments penciled in, all the kids (except the baby) in school while you are in meetings with teachers, doctors, and therapists. Would that work?

 

That really is changing hats, though. My heart goes out to you, Desert Strawberry.