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Anyone have a "super" commuter in the family? Over an hour one way..UPDATE


ksr5377
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We considered it, but decided against it. DH has a demanding job and having him nearby and our friends nearby is worth the trade offs for us. Our close family counseled us against it strongly. If you can rent and try it out, do so. DH has some colleagues who tried the hour commute and eventually ended up just moving to be closer to work despite the higher housing costs and higher crime rate.

 

Emily

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With that type of commute, you can write off DH being able to help with anything during the week. Maybe getting the kids to bed if they're little. Weekday farm chores probably won't happen. If the idea is that you and the kids are really the ones helping, it makes sense. Otherwise it might make more sense to live closer to work and drive out to the farm on weekends.

 

This is my vote. I think it will be waaaaay cheaper and way less exhausting to be more intentional about driving out to the farm to help rather than driving that long to work each day.

 

Incidentally, I did have a 75-minute commute to work the first year of my marriage. It was horrible. I found that every minute past 45 minutes of driving sucked the very soul out of me. I didn't think it would be like that as I love road trips. This past summer, I did tons and tons and tons of driving across multiple states and enjoyed it. But commuting that long one-way each day was mind-numbing.

 

As for staying with the grandparents for a week, that's a great idea but it's not enough time. Dh will still be in the honeymoon phase of this idea. It's when you've done it a month or so that it starts to really drag at you. 

 

Again, consider driving out to the farm to help more. Set a schedule. 

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Such a long commute can be brutally exhausting. Even for the people who physically handle it okay, it's a time suck. 

 

This would be the same job he has now, with the change being moving closer to grandparents, is that right? If so, I  would definitely not do it. That would be like saying - how can I take this wonderful work situation and make it as hellish as possible, lol? 

 

A week may not tell him much. Five days is a big difference from five months, which is a big difference from two years. It might help him to see just how long the commute will be, because leaving at 3.30 is not early enough to beat traffic in many cities. 

 

I would look at what the point of the move was, and think of other ways to accomplish that. 

 

 

Is it to spend more time with the grandparents? I'm all for that, but I wouldn't give up hours of OUR daily family time to accomplish it. Instead, why not have each family commit to regularly visiting the other? Alternate Fridays - they come to you one week, you go to them the next week. dh joins everyone for dinner after work at whichever location.  

 

And don't underestimate how much you and the kids will miss having him around during the week! 

 

 

 

 

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My husband did it for 2 1/2 years.  His drive was anywhere from 75 minutes to 3 hours each way, depending on traffic.  It was Los Angeles traffic, so it could be grueling at times.

 

He left at 5 am, and returned between 8 and 9 at night, five nights a week.  He would eat a sandwich and go to bed.   He was in a car accident one morning when he came up on two bicyclists in the dark -- he rolled the car, but no one was hurt.  It was a major wake-up call.  

 

He basically missed those years of our older kids lives, and never really got them back.  We were so glad when he left that job, and we were able to move and he could have a normal job with a relatively easy commute (25 minutes).  His relationship with our younger dd is so much different than it was with the older two.  Make you sure weigh that factor into your decision.

Edited by Suzanne in ABQ
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My parents did that. It was the worst thing ever for my parents. They're now divorced. My father has a horrible relationship with my youngest siblings because he was never around. My youngest brother refuses to speak to him at all, for several years now. Granted, there were other issues. But having such a long commute really took him out of our family life.

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Oh dear lord, and I am trying to move IN to the city because after 20 solid years of 50-60 min. each way for DH I am sick, sick, sick of it.......I can't think of anything worse.  Not only does he often work 10 hour days, plus an hour entertaining clients or having a board meeting for lunch, he has 2 hours of driving.......so, 13 hours of being gone, he comes home tired and not a whole lot to give the family.  

 

Nope, I would not, could not and won't, ever again.

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We made an out-of-state move to get away from long commutes and it's one of the the smartest things we've done.  I had a 12 mile commute that took, at a minimum, 75 minutes each way.  Factor in bad weather or an accident and it was a two hour trip.  Horrible, stressful driving.  I'd never willingly do it again.  

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My mom did a 2 hr. one-way commute, but she rode a train and was an empty nester at the time. She was in the office before 7 and left at 3. When telecommuting came in, she only went in four days a week, three in the summer because her work was school related (accreditation) and there is just less work in the summer. She also did lots of local and international travel and so had weeks every year not in the office at all. She did this for the last 16 years of her career.

 

Looking back now, she says she is not sure how she did it.

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D drives one hour each way. He minimizes his drive time ( down to an hour) but shifting his day earlier. He gets up at 4:30, leaves by 5:30, finishes work at 3:30, misses rush hour both ways. It has little impact on the rest of us because he is long gone by the time we wake up and he is home by 5pm, even if he makes stops on the way home (which he often does). 
He has a nice, easy, pretty drive with no traffic. 90% of his drive is through wide open desert and mountains. Only the last 10 miles or so are city driving. It gives his time to warm up his brain on the way to work, and settle his mind on the way home. 

Most of his coworkers think he's crazy to live so far, but their commutes are just as long timewise, and far less pleasant. 
I would not love getting up that early. He doesn't necessarily love it, but he doesn't hate it. He irons his clothes, makes his breakfast and lunch, showers before bed in the evening. He doesn't usually stay up as late as he would like (too late IMO). He has to keep a decent bedtime. 

Years ago, I did a 6hour a day commute. It was horrid. I mean, truly awful. I took the train, so at least I could read, eat breakfast, eat dinner on the train. But I didn't get any sleep nor spend any time with my dh. We were newly weds, so it was really unpleasant. I wouldn't do that again. (it wasn't by choice. We were military and I could not get adequate lodging).

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Are you thinking 10 years? That's most of your kids growing up lives with a lot less daddy (time and energy wise).

 

I don't think a week would tell you anything. It took a while before hubby and I were at a do anything to get out of this point. 

 

 

No no, absolutely not 10 years.  TWO years of the commute to get to the 10 year employment mark.  I would never consider this for a decade!  I already think we're crazy for even talking about it. =)

 

Helping on the farm would be a nice bonus to living there, but it's not the main reason.  The main reason would for our children, and us, to be closer to family.  I had just mentioned the farm work because DH and I had discussed how it wouldn't be healthy to add all that sitting in the car.  His argument was that even an hour of labor on the farm would be more physical work than he's currently doing, which is true.  Other than mowing our little urban backyard, DH doesn't work out or do much that's physical other than wrestling around with the kids.  

 

I think DH and I are both somewhat sad that our children don't have a childhood anything like ours was.  Our kids are self-described "city-kids" who see a set of their grandparents about once a month.  DH and I both had all the space in the world to run and practically lived at our grandparents.  We would like for them to have that opportunity with their grandparents.

 

Also coming in to play are our education goals.  The only reason we started homeschooling was because we live in a failing urban district.  Now that we have been homeschooling for several years, there are many things I love about it that I didn't know of going in.  However, DH is adamant that they will attend high school.  So a huge factor in this is the idea that it's a great school district and DH likes them being in school sooner than later.  I realize an entire other post could be made about this and wanted to keep this focused on the impact of the commute, but I also think it's important to note that helping on the farm is not the main goal.

 

ETA:  Also I wanted to add that while the last part of his drive would be urban, we do not live in a city that it would EVER take an hour to go 10 miles unless there was a horrific wreck that blocked the entire highway.

Edited by ksr5377
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We have a little farm and my dh works full time.

 

Most days, farm work is for weekends. When he does have time in the evening to work the farm, it's because something HAS to be done and it won't wait . That means that the work is annoying, not pleasurable. My dh has a 40 minute commute and after a long day, he kind of wants to hang out with the family. I think your dh has stars in his eyes about how much he will feel like farm work after that kind of a commute and a long day.

 

I get it that your kids have a different experience, but maybe instead of seeing their experience as a negative (because it's not like yours and your dh's was) you can learn to accept that different isn't necessarily bad. I know that you never know how long you have with grandparents, but personally, I'd wait the 2 years before moving and getting a new job. Your kids need their dad and if you have to wait 2 yrs to get to the farm and have the rural experience, I think it would be worth it. If you have to homeschool for 2 yrs of high school then so what?

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I did for a while before we got married, and now DH does.  He also works VERY long hours.  We're in Oklahoma and it is rare to have bad roads.  I don't think I could handle the worry for that kind of commute in snow country.

 

I handle everything around the house.  It's doable but I wouldn't choose to do it again.  It's definitely a trade off.  In our next relocation I want to live less than 15 minutes away, even in rush hour traffic.

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Is there a benefit to doing it now and not just waiting the 2 years? Is it to get settled or established before high school?

You have a few years before high school.

 

 

 

  I think DH is getting antsy.  We don't love our neighborhood.  Our home is very cramped now that we're a family of 6.   We never planned on being here as long as we have been.  I think he's just ready to pull the plug and have change!  The biggest benefit I see is that our oldest would be entering school in 4th grade instead of being the new girl in 6th.  So yes, just getting settled and moving while they're younger, possibly making the transition easier.  

 

I do agree that he has a very idealized version of what this will be like.  That's why I posted. I wanted true life stories, which you all have provided, which has been so helpful.  

Edited by ksr5377
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In our early marriage, dh had a 70 min each way commute because we could not afford to live closer due to rent and home prices which were astronomical. Now he had 95 minutes each way but he only has to drive it twice per week. If they change it to four or five days per week, we will uproot his mom and move closer because his company expects a 60 hour work week no matter what and when projects are coming to a close the work week is often 80 so it is just exhausting to do such a long commute on top of that. Of course the added angst is that winters in Michigan can be pretty rough so we would not want him doing that much commuting on icy roads, bucking snow drifts and white-out conditions.

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  I think DH is getting antsy.  We don't love our neighborhood.  Our home is very cramped now that we're a family of 6.   We never planned on being here as long as we have been.  I think he's just ready to pull the plug and have change!  The biggest benefit I see is that our oldest would be entering school in 4th grade instead of being the new girl in 6th.  So yes, just getting settled and moving while they're younger, possibly making the transition easier.  

 

I do agree that he has a very idealized version of what this will be like.  That's why I posted. I wanted true life stories, which you all have provided, which has been so helpful.  

 

If you know you want to go that way eventually, maybe the thing is to start moving toward that, but not rushing?  Make sure your house is in shape, and wait for the kind of proerty you would really love.  For me, if I found the ideal property, I might be willing to commute for a limited time, but it wouldn't be worth it to move to a less than ideal spot and commute, just for the sake of moving.

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I think DH is getting antsy. We don't love our neighborhood. Our home is very cramped now that we're a family of 6. We never planned on being here as long as we have been. I think he's just ready to pull the plug and have change! The biggest benefit I see is that our oldest would be entering school in 4th grade instead of being the new girl in 6th. So yes, just getting settled and moving while they're younger, possibly making the transition easier.

 

I do agree that he has a very idealized version of what this will be like. That's why I posted. I wanted true life stories, which you all have provided, which has been so helpful.

Can you go halfway? Maybe you go far enough out to hit more affordable housing in a neighborhood? Say, a 45 minutes commute? At that distance, you're close enough to drive out and help with the farm work on the weekends. Would that be an option?

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Can you position yourselves centrally so you're closer to the grandparents but your commute is more realistic? The benefits of more time with extended family can be negated by getting less time with Dad.

 

I get that you and DH loved your childhoods, but your children may be just as attached to their current way of life. THIS is what is comfortable and familiar to your kids. I attempt to give my kids the country experience with trips back to my rural home with grandparents and cousins and everything. My kids are MORE than ready to return home. They're just spoiled for more to do than chat with family and play/work outside.

 

Why not just ride out the next two years in place then revisit the decision AFTER a new job is secured? The next job my have some unexpected logistics and you certainly don't want a second move or longer commute to juggle.

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We're seriously considering a trial run - going to stay with his parents for a week while he does the drive to work each day. I think that will help him see the reality of it.  I think the time would be manageable, but I am afraid of how it will affect his personality.  My biggest fear is that it would turn into a time of life that our children would always remember badly :(  They're 9, 8, 5 and 2.

 

He keeps telling me that it would be temporary.  I know that's true, I mean I would probably go back to work myself if needed to get his job closer after the 10 year mark.  

 

Ugh, decisions can be so difficult when you don't know exactly what will happen!

 

ETA:  There is someone he works with that lives at the half-way point. They have already discussed the possibilities of car-pooling.  It would probably work out at least 75% of the time.  There are always days when someone isn't off or has to leave early etc.  

 

A week is too short of a trial run. That is more of a honeymoon period where everyone is trying to show how well they'll help each other, etc. At the age of your kids, if a short commute is a choice, I'd choose that and have him go help on the farm for a part of Saturday or Sunday. Those breaks that the grandparents are promising might not come after you've been there a while....... In your shoes, there is no way I'd agree to it until my youngest was closer to about 10 and the older kids could drive themselves places.

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