Connotation of Term "Estranged" WRT a Spouse

[Crimson Wife]

My DH writes short stories and he and I disagree about the connotation of the protagonist describing another character as her "estranged husband". Please vote in the poll the impression you get from hearing the term "estranged".

[Brit29]

Estranged sounds negative. I don't get the impression when, hearing the term, that the couple is working things out. Very much the opposite, divorcing and it's messy. 

 

[Farrar]

I get the impression maybe the spouse ran off or was abusive or something pretty serious. "Estranged" means to me that they're not really in contact for some reason. Maybe that one party wants to divorce and the other is stonewalling? Certainly not that they're working it out.

[SKL]

To me, "estranged" basically means they have as little to do with each other as possible.  However, it may or may not include divorce proceedings.  Some estranged couples won't divorce for various reasons, even if they want nothing to do with each other.  Others are relatively friendly during and after a divorce, and I wouldn't call them estranged.

[SKL]

Though "estranged" may be viewed as temporary by one party or the other.

[Guest]

Estranged, IMO, means simply being a stranger. You don't talk, have any contact...basically living your life as if that person didn't exist. So that would mean that they aren't divorcing (implied contact) or simply separated (goes a bit further than that).

[elegantlion]

I voted other. My default is headed toward divorce. The other is because it may be said as a way to head off further questions or to imply I'm not close enough to the parties to warrant more information.

[Junie]

I think of estranged as past tense, marriage over.

[Lawana]

My immediate thought is living apart, equivalent to divorced, but not legally so.

[Butter]

When I hear estranged I think not just divorced, but having as little contact with each other as possible.  Definitely not trying to work things out.

[Chris in VA]

I think of them as separated and not working on it, but just letting it be, for an indeterminate time. Like being in limbo, maybe.

[zoobie]

Definitely negative. Alienated. Divergent paths. Strangers to one another.

[Seasider]

I voted other and have not yet read the other replies. To me it means they are separated but not divorced, but not in the process of either working things out or getting a divorce. They are, for whatever reason, choosing to live separate lives. That could be for any number of reasons.

 

On that note, I do know a couple that separated but never bothered to get divorced (at least not as of the last time I saw the wife). Apparently neither was ready to remarry and both thought a divorce too bothersome.

[Kathryn]

Other. Separated with no contact. Definitely not working on things, but not necessarily working on divorcing either.

[Word Nerd]

It doesn't make me think "trying to work things out." It reminds me of a high school friend's dad, who lived in another state even though he was still married to her mom. They eventually divorced, but they were estranged for years.

[Daria]

To me, estranged means no contact, and spouse means you're still married.

 

So an estranged spouse would be one with whom you have no contact.  It's more like the guy who just walked out and disappeared, than the guy you are divorcing.  If you're sharing kids back and forth, and communicating, even if the communication is working out a divorce, then I wouldn't say estranged.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I selected "separated and divorcing" because it's the closest to my understanding of estranged.  But, closer would be "separated and no contact for a prolonged period of time".  I know a woman who has been separated for over 10 years with no talk of divorce.

[maize]

Separated, but not necessarily trying to divorce; maybe just going on with their lives acting as if the other doesn't exist.

[Amy in NH]

The couple is separated.

[Crimson Wife]

Hmm, it sounds like "estranged" isn't the right word to describe this particular character's relationship to her soon-to-be-ex but not for the reason that I was thinking.

 

I'm not sure where I got the impression that "estranged" meant separated but working on things.

[horsellian]

My DHs grandmother and grandfather were estranged. They were still married until he died, but had not seen or spoken to each other for 40+ years.

[Ausmumof3]

The couple I know that I'd describe in that way have a marriage that is 100percent over but for whatever reasons don't want to divorce. So to me it means an irreparable marriage that for whatever reason isn't moving to divorce.

[Elfknitter.#]

Quick google:

 

Estranged

iˈstrÄnjd/

adjective

(of a person) no longer close or affectionate to someone; alienated.

"Harriet felt more estranged from her daughter than ever"

(of a wife or husband) no longer living with their spouse.

past participle: estranged

 

I think culturally, in American society, an estranged couple has a meaning that leans more toward a negative outcome, aka divorce. However, historically, there were estranged couples who, as the above definition describes, were no longer living with one another. One spouse may have refused the divorce, forcing the other to remain married to them. When I heard estranged, I first think no longer together and then I think of the why (separation with possibility of divorce, abusive or adulterous relations leading to divorce, etc.) While not common, some estranged couples reunite.

[vmsurbat]

I voted other.  Estranged meaning not together, not working it out, just going separate ways.

 

[Night Elf]

I agree with others, that it means separated but not working on it. I would still think they are divorcing though.

Edited January 25, 2016 by Night Elf

[bolt.]

I think the same as others: it's a term for 'still married but not living like it' without any intent for restoration, but not nescessarily with the intent to divorce: possibly a complicated stalled status.

 

It is possible for spouse A to 'have an estranged spouse' that *they* have hopes of reconciling with... But this would imply it's a one sided desire/openness. Spouse B is described as 'estranged from' spouse A: to angry and unlikely to respond.

 

If both are open or hopeful for reconciliation, that would be 'separated' but not estranged.

[cjzimmer1]

To me estranged is living separately but whether they are working things out or not is irrelevant to the term.  They are just people who are married but living separately for whatever reason.  Many times I think it has to do with financials but not always.

[J-rap]

I think of it as living separate lives with little or no contact, at least for now, but other than that we really don't know.  As in one of them got it into their head to cross Antarctica by dog sled, the other had no interest in doing it, so the first one just took off one day to do it on their own.  So it basically led to a trial separation in a way.  They both have no solid idea of what they really want.  There has been no contact for at least 6 months, and we have no idea how things will turn out.  

 

[Word Nerd]

I hear "estranged" used more often to describe relationships with family members than spouses, usually because of NPD or a pattern of toxic interactions (but occasionally, as is the case with my niece and SIL, because the person cutting off another is behaving like an immature brat). If someone told me she was estranged from her sister, I would lean toward assuming the relationship had been intentionally cut off or restricted and that it's not being worked on in the hope of reconciliation. I'm not sure why there would be a more positive assumption when using the term to describe a spousal relationship.

Edited January 25, 2016 by Word Nerd

[Mimm]

Either. But if a divorce had actually been filed, I guess I would use the word separated or "soon to be divorced" or even just saying, "my ex-husband" or whatever.

[Lady Florida.]

To me it means not in contact. Not all couples who separate or divorce are necessarily estranged by my definition. 

 

I posted my idea of the meaning before looking it up. Apparently there are several definitions, but trying to get back together isn't one of them.

[Katy]

I think still legally married (not separated legally), but for some reason (probably financial) are staying legally married but avoid each other as much as possible.  This could be living on opposite sides of the same mansion (Jennifer Garner & Ben Affleck were doing this for a while after his cheating scandal broke), or it could mean living in different cities entirely.

 

I tend to see this more in people where there are there are significant financial ramifications for getting a divorce.

 

 

ETA: dictionary definition: 

es·tranged

iˈstrÄnjd/

adjective

adjective: estranged

1. (of a person) no longer close or affectionate to someone; alienated.

   "Harriet felt more estranged from her daughter than ever"

   • (of a wife or husband) no longer living with their spouse.

     past participle: estranged

 

Edited January 25, 2016 by Katy

[redsquirrel]

If I heard someone describe her 'estranged spouse' I would assume they were still legally married but the relationship was over. I don't know that I would assume they were in the process of a legal divorce, because I've heard of couples being 'estranged' for quite a long time without divorcing or planning to get divorced. Usually that is because of health insurance or some other financial reason.

 

If someone is legally married but their spouse is 'estranged' then I wouldn't think it odd if she had a new partner, for example. She is estranged from her spouse, it's all over between them except in the legal sense.

[Ravin]

I voted "separated and in the process of divorcing" but when I think about it a little more, I think "separated long term but not divorcing because (reasons)." Those reasons not being that they plan on getting back together or are working on the relationship, but that they can't afford to divorce, one of them doesn't know where the other is, they have religious reasons not to divorce, etc. 

[Ellie]

They are separated. I wouldn't make any assumptions about what is going on between them regarding divorce or reconciliation or anything. They're just...separated.

[luuknam]

Not really talking to each other, very likely living apart, may or may not be bothering to go through the legal process of divorcing, but definitely not trying to work things out.

[Bluegoat]

I voted in the process of divorcing.  But it would really depend a bit on context - I would not think they were working things out, but they might just be planning on living seperatly without divorcing.

 

I also could imagine as a divorced couple where there was a bad relationship afterward, as opposd to a friendly divorce.

[dirty ethel rackham]

I voted other.  When I hear "estranged", I think they are not speaking to each other or in contact, without regard to divorce.  I have heard that word used to describe sibling relationships, parent/child relationships, ex-spouse (estranged ex-husband vs. x that I co-parent with.) 

[SharonM]

They are separated and either divorcing or working things out. I just think separated.

 

[Lawyer&Mom]

I had a relative who stayed married to his wife for 20+ years after they separated so she could stay on his health insurance. They were still married when she died. That's estranged.

[UCF612]

I think of "estranged" as divorcing and "separated" as maybe will work it out.

[Danestress]

Not yet divorced, and hard feelings. I don't think 'estranged' means no contact. I think it means there is a serious rupture. People who are estranged from an adult child may have some contact, but it is painful. You can't be estranged from an acquaintance or coworker. To me it means you have a relationship that was loving or is generally presumed to be loving, but that it had become tense and angry, so any communication hurts.

Edited January 26, 2016 by Danestress

[Seasider]

I remember something I heard years ago, that the opposite of love is not actually hate - love and hate are both passionate responses. The true opposite of love is indifference. (Speaking of romantic love.)

 

I think estrangement certainly involves a level of indifference.

[KungFuPanda]

I think of estranged differently than separated. It's like the couple leads separate lives but never bothered to divorce for whatever reason. If divorcing, or trying to avoid it, is happening, I'd call the couple separated. If there is zero effort in either direction, and life as just moved on without one or both people concerned about tying up lose ends, I'd call that estranged. It could be abandonment, a devout religious position, long term geographic bachelorhood, or whatever.

[abba12]

other. To me estranged is acting as if the other doesn't exist. So my dad can't call my mum his ex-wife (they're still married)  but they haven't spoken in 6 years. Neither is filing for divorce, but getting back together is not going to happen under any circumstances. They're estranged, still a husband/wife but no contact at all. They may very well remain legally married until they die at this rate because they can't be bothered having enough to do with each other to even file papers. 

 

I'd use the term ex-wife, or ex-husband, if the divorce proceedings were in process but not yet complete, because the process to ex is actively happening

 

I'd say separated or working things out if there was a possibility of reconciliation. 

 

 

[OnMyOwn]

I could see it as either physically estranged or emotionally estranged. So you could still be living with someone but not connected to them anymore or you could be separated and moving toward divorce. Not good, either way.

[El...]

Well, there was just a "news" item the other day about someone who received a nice ring from a boyfriend, but then boyfriend's estranged wife told the news "we're still married."  The implication was that people were behaving sloppily all around.

 

To me, it means split but haven't divorced, and probably a mess in progress.

[FaithManor]

Not really in contact for a variety of reasons. In my cousin's case with her first husband, things were bad, really bad, but she was offered a grad school teaching position that started immediately and had no time to pursue a divorce. He was one of those lazy types who was never going to get off the couch and file, so she moved, and put it on the back burner while she got settled. They never spoke again, and outside of her lawyer - three years later - had no communication but were still legally married. Three years, finally they divorced. My husband's cousin was the same. They separated, moved to other countries, and kind of just didn't get around to getting anything done for a few years, but also did not maintain any contact either. I think it took four years before one of them finally began the divorce process.

 

So I think of estranged in those terms. Not divorced, not in the process, but also not communicating...just leading separate lives.