PhotoGal Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Say you have a new stepchild, or your MIL moves in with you, or some other situation where you are going to be living with someone for years. Let's imagine the person is just a regular person (no major issues) and you really want to love the person. Could you make yourself love someone? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I wouldn't try to make myself love them. I would try to appreciate them and to treat them with kindness and respect. Love comes over time and is not forced. 28 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I could act in love toward another person even if I didn't have sentimental feelings associated with love for them. I believe the most important part of love is the action part; the feeling can be intense but lead to some rather unloving actions (think living your life through another person, trying to control them for fear of them leaving, jealousy, etc.) It's nice when the feeling and action go together, but the action is the part that is necessary. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Yes, but it takes time. Especially if they are frustrating. Also, I generally find it easy to love people. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Janie Grace Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Yes, especially if they are related to dh (as in the examples you gave). I love him so much that anyone important in his life automatically has a special place in my heart. *Liking* them might not always be easy, though... 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 As I learn more about the brain, I've learned that it can accomplish some pretty amazing things simply by steering it a certain direction. So, though I think it's definitely a different kind of love, I think you can train your brain to be kind and understanding of someone, which can in turn lead to feeling a responsibility toward them, and ultimately a type of love, even. I think the more you really try and understand where they came from and how they came to be the way they are, the more likely this is to happen. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 No. But love is a verb not a noun. So, you treat them with love whether or not you feel it. I don't believe you can make yourself love someone as a feeling, but you can love them in action. 19 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 No but I think if you spend enough time with a normal person, you will eventually at least grow fond of them. Almost certainly love, in the case of a child. Of course this hinges on BOTH parties having psychologically appropriate thought and behavior patterns, and capacities for feeling and kindness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 There are people I do love that I would have trouble living under one roof with. On the other hand my late maternal grandma treated most people as if they are not there which makes it easy to live with her since I don't mind being ignored/forgotten. If you (general) put in an effort and there is no negative baggage, it is possible to love someone. For example when my brother married, we don't know his wife well. We don't have any negative feelings either so it was easy for us to love her as a family member. On the other hand, hubby has an uncle by marriage that abandoned his aunt for the other lady and came back a decade later. Easy for me to love that aunt and her children, harder to love the guy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Yes. Love is a decision. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Say you have a new stepchild, or your MIL moves in with you, or some other situation where you are going to be living with someone for years. Let's imagine the person is just a regular person (no major issues) and you really want to love the person. Could you make yourself love someone? I don't understand why one would feel they must make themselves love (have loving feelings for) someone. I don't think I have ever required myself to feel loving towards someone. But, yes, you can certainly choose your actions. You can choose to be kind, agreeable, gracious, and expect the best in people. I find that, as long as the person does not have some kind of serious issue, this is enough to have an amicable relationship with them. It *might* even lead to feeling affection for the person, but I don't put that expectation upon myself. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LucyStoner Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Make? I dunno. Choose to love someone? Sure. I choose to love many frustrating people in my life. Now I have to figure out the difference between make and choose and why it's different for me. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fdrinca Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 As I learn more about the brain, I've learned that it can accomplish some pretty amazing things simply by steering it a certain direction. So, though I think it's definitely a different kind of love, I think you can train your brain to be kind and understanding of someone, which can in turn lead to feeling a responsibility toward them, and ultimately a type of love, even. I think the more you really try and understand where they came from and how they came to be the way they are, the more likely this is to happen. This! The effect is small, but measurable and statistically significant: you **can** change your attitude. I fully believe you can fall in love with someone through minor effort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 (edited) I actively follow these bible verses in cases where I want to be sure I'm "loving" someone. For example, I don't really get along with my in-laws. I mean, they're nice and I'm nice, but we have nothing in common. If I hadn't married my dh there is never any time where I would want to spend time with them. We just don't have anything to say. We do not fight with each other. There is exactly zero drama. But we don't always *get* each other. But they're in my life and they're nice and I want to be loving. So when the bible says, "Love is patient" and my mil is clearly not paying attention to what I'm saying and I have to repeat it again and again...I do my best to be patient with her. And when my FIL canNOT admit when he's wrong (like when he insisted that the only Savanah was the one in Georgia and did not believe me when I told him there was a savanah in Africa), I think, "Love does not boast and is not proud" and I don't dig in my heels and argue back with him over stupid, mundane things. (I believe that arguing over stupid, mundane things to prove you're right and the other person is wrong is a form of pride. Even if you are right. Just let it go. Unless someone will be injured of course, but no one is hurt because my FIL doesn't know what a savanah is.) Of course, this doesn't mean I'm a doormat. The above examples might come across that way, but it's not bad. It's just the normal friction between people. They're not sociopaths or anything. They just do a few things that push my buttons and I'm sure I do the same to them. For normal relationships I follow the bible verses actively. Here are the verses that define what love is: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Edited January 23, 2016 by Garga 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Outdoorsy Type Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 As the saying goes "Kindness is in our power, even when fondness isn't". I will fake it if needed until the feeling is there, but honestly I love people pretty easily. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
madteaparty Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 No. They don't need to know though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThisIsTheDay Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Say you have a new stepchild, or your MIL moves in with you, or some other situation where you are going to be living with someone for years. Let's imagine the person is just a regular person (no major issues) and you really want to love the person. Could you make yourself love someone? Could *I* make myself love someone? Yep, and I've done it. Prayed continually that I could see that person through God's eyes, not my own. It didn't happen overnight, but it did happen. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Just be decent and relax. Don't worry so much about defining it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Love is definitely a noun - and a verb - in English. No. I don't think you can make yourself feel love for someone. But I think you can make them feel loved. And I think you can love the way it changes your life to learn to give love and do love to the people around you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crimson Wife Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I think you can consciously choose to love someone through the rough patches in your relationship if the feeling was originally there (I've done this in the past with my DH and I might be doing it now with my 13 y.o. DD). But I don't believe that you can make yourself love someone in the first place. But not loving someone is no excuse for treating him/her with anything other than kindness and respect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DesertBlossom Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Yes, I think you can. It's hard sometimes. I think love comes easier the more you serve and help someone. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 No, I don't, not in the individual, personal sense. I do think that a willing heart, combined with shared experiences and no major issues, does make it pretty likely that you will wind up truly loving the person somewhere down the road. It can take a substantial amount of time, though. I don't think all the good will and effort in the world will result in quickly loving a person (especially an adult) that you don't have already have a strong relationship with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocassie Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I believe love is an action, a choice, and an emotion. Sometimes you can do one or two and the others aren't there. If all three are harmonious, greatness can happen, but I think it's okay if there is only one or two. Plus there is the instantaneous love and the love that is created over time. Neither is better or worse but there are different aspects that can be beneficial. I also believe there are different types of love. So if someone moved in with me and it was going to be fairly permanent (my own mother for example because this really did happen, and because of a toxic history I really just feel so-so towards her), I can still treat her with respect, meet her basic needs, treat her with kindness, listen to her, despite inconveniences take care of her health needs, and make sure my children also treat her this way, etc. This is a basic level of loving someone. Doing the right thing even if I don't "feel" it because they are another human being. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I believe love is an action, a choice, and an emotion. <snip> I can still treat her with respect, meet her basic needs, treat her with kindness, listen to her, despite inconveniences take care of her health needs, and make sure my children also treat her this way, etc. This is a basic level of loving someone. <snip> This is kind of what I meant when I posted that I don't think you can make yourself love someone in the individual sense. I can make myself treat someone with kindness and respect, but that doesn't match my idea of personal love. It's a general love, in the 'let's all love one another' sense. Not to say there isn't value to that, but it's not the same as thinking that you can make yourself love a teenage stepchild you just met in the same way you love the children you've raised since birth, or make yourself love your new in-laws the same way you love your own parents. It can happen, I just don't think one can make it happen. And I think that focusing too hard on making a particular 'idea' of love happen can cause one to miss the value in other types and levels of relationships. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
katilac Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I fully believe you can fall in love with someone through minor effort. Just to show how different people are, it often takes me major effort to get through a lengthy conversation with someone, much less fall in love with them. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 Absolutely. It might take time and some practice at acting and thinking lovingly toward them but it can be done. I've done it myself in a situation where it deeply mattered. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I'm generally in the "love is an action" camp. But even with the emotion, I think we can have conscious, or unconscious, influence. If we remain closed, we can prevent love, and if we open up, we can invite it. You see this sometimes in people who want very much to "be in love". Sometimes there is something internal preventing us from being open to a person or people, and if we can address that, it may make a difference. It's not a sure thing though, there are too many variables we can't control. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 I imagine over time I'll either grow to "love" them or grow to hate them. LOL I see no point in forcing it. I can act like a decent person towards them either way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 No, you can't make yourself love someone. You can make yourself treat them with kindness and caring. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted January 23, 2016 Share Posted January 23, 2016 This is an interesting question. I think most of us can... you choose to do the actions that show you love someone and after awhile you find you do love that person. But I wonder if some people don't have that feeling. Like, if some people actually can't come to feel love through acting in love. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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