Finding biological parents?

[ajfries]

I've been toying with the idea of looking for my biological father for the last couple of years. He & my mom met when they were in the army; stationed in Germany.  She got pregnant with me and came home to the states while he stayed in Germany.  According to my mom, they had one or two phone calls after she arrived stateside but they've never spoken since.  There's a few more complicating factors but for the sake of privacy (and brevity) I'll leave it at that.

 

I've found a few organizations that help adoptees find their biological parents but I'm not sure if I should go that route because it isn't really the situation I'm in. I was adopted, but not in the traditional sense. My mom met a very nice fella who adopted me & raised me as his own. 

 

Has anyone ever done this? Or known someone who has? Any words of advice or recommendations?

[Farrar]

I would think that if she knows and shared his name with you that with public records, unless it was something like "John Smith" that you might be able to do this without a service these days.

 

No advice, but hugs and good luck. I hope it turns out for the best, whatever that may be.

 

 

[ajfries]

I would think that if she knows and shared his name with you that with public records, unless it was something like "John Smith" that you might be able to do this without a service these days.

 

No advice, but hugs and good luck. I hope it turns out for the best, whatever that may be.

 

I do have his name, but it's basically the Hispanic equivalent of John Smith :) I have some basic information about him (where he went to college & grew up), but nothing like his birth date or parents' names. 

 

[QuirkyKapers]

I recently was able to get my original birth certificate.  I figured out who my biological parents are.  My father is deceased.  Not sure about contacting my biological mother.  She has been through 4 marriages.   She may be a great person but I am not sure I am ready to open the door yet since there may be more drama than I can handle right now.  I figure raising two teens has enough drama of its own right now ;)  After figuring out their names, I was able to look on facebook and find other family members.  Most didn't have their pages totally private so I could read them.  It was interesting.  I am not really concerned about being rejected because they have never been  a part of my life before, so my life will still go on the same.  I will just know they aren't interested.  Since there isn't a relationship and if they aren't interested in any contact, it won't be like I would be doing a happy dance about it.  However, my life is good.  I have lots of friends and family who love me so I am content and not needing more emotional connections.  Don't know if that helps.  This is where I am at in my thought process right now.  It has been 7 months since I got my information.  

Edited January 19, 2016 by QuirkyKapers

[ajfries]

I recently was able to get my original birth certificate.  I figured out who my biological parents are.  My father is deceased.  Not sure about contacting my biological mother.  She has been through 4 marriages.   She may be a great person but I am not sure I am ready to open the door yet since there may be more drama than I can handle right now.  I figure raising two teens has enough drama of its own right now ;)  After figuring out their names, I was able to look on facebook and find other family members.  Most didn't have their pages totally private so I could read them.  It was interesting.  I am not really concerned about being rejected because they have never been  a part of my life before, so my life will still go on the same.  I will just know they aren't interested.  Since there isn't a relationship and if they aren't interested in any contact, it won't be like I would be doing a happy dance about it.  However, my life is good.  I have lots of friends and family who love me so I am content and not needing more emotional connections.  Don't know if that helps.  This is where I am at in my thought process right now.  It has been 7 months since I got my information.  

 

That's kind of where I'm at, too.  I'm happy with my life; never felt like anything was "missing". I have a great dad.  I do wonder though that if he wanted to find me...I don't think he has enough information to do so. I would hate to find out that he'd been looking for me for years and then died or something. But at this point it's more curiosity. There's definitely no yearning.  I'm not afraid of being rejected and I certainly don't need anything from him. Thanks for your post :) 

 

[umsami]

I was adopted in Michigan which is still a closed state.  To find one's parents, one has to petition the court...and then an intermediary contacts the birth parents to see if they are interested in contact.  Don't want to go into a lot of details, but it was not what I though it would be.  With birth Mom, I think we were happy to know that each other was fine, but no other relationship developed.  Birth Dad is more interested in a relationship, but I am not.  

[FlyingMOm]

I messaged you, ajfries!  :)

[Scarlett]

I was in a similar situation.....but my mom had enough info that she found him for me when I was 15.

 

A private investigator might be your best bet.

Edited January 19, 2016 by Scarlett

[aggieamy]

Ditto the private investigator idea.  You know his name, that he was in the Army, and when he was stationed in Germany.  Someone that knows how to go through military records will find him easily.  

[ajfries]

Thank you for the encouragement and tips everyone. :) I really appreciate it.

[Lolly]

Been through it on the other side (as your half sister). If you have no expectations, which I think would be difficult, it should all turn out fine. I am assuming he knows about you. My parents knew about Dad's first child. We (his other kids) did not. She showed up when I was pg with my first born. My mother was going through menopause (not good timing for her). I think it bothered my older sister more than the rest of us. I was a little disappointed to have giving him his first grandchild pulled out from under me. (Being secondborn, it was my first first at anything...) Turns out it was his fourth. Minor blip though. Dad was ecstatic that she "found" him. (He wasn't lost. She did know where he was, information available her whole life/at least her mother knew.) The only problem was that he wasn't what she expected in a father. When they (mom and dad) went to visit her family, she wanted the father/daughter relationship you see on some sappy tv shows. She wanted him to tuck her into bed, literally, like a little girl. She expected him to take her to Disneyland....literally. She got angry when my mother picked out and sent her and her children birthday and Christmas gifts. HE was supposed to do that. (Sorry, I don't think he ever picked out a single gift for any of us. Just not his personality.) When they came to visit, she was upset because he didn't seem interested in her children. My mother played with them and watched them. Mom drove her places when she needed to go somewhere. My father did his thing. Like he always does. He wasn't the dad of her imagination. We met. We even visited each other a couple of times at our homes (which aren't exactly close by). Then, we drifted apart. We don't have much in common. She is from another country with a different culture. She grew up in a large city going to clubs. I grew up rural...not going to clubs. She recontacted me just a couple of weeks ago. She wants a relationship (her mother and aunt/only family she has/ are both very old and not likely to be around much longer. She wants blood family.). I have no problem with that. We can be friends on Facebook. She is welcome to come visit whenever she would like.  I don't fly, so going to her is not as likely to happen. But, overall, I am glad that I know her/about her. She is a really sweet person. I think/hope that she has realized that Dad is who he is. She has finally accepted that Mom doing things is the same thing as Dad doing them. She hasn't seen him since he came to my home to visit while she was visiting me. (She did not want to see my mother.) That was about ten years ago. She keeps in touch with him by talking to my mother on the phone. He cannot hold a phone conversation/practically deaf not to mention he has dementia.

[Lanny]

If your mother remembers more information (full name, date of birth, SSN or Army ID) (and if she is willing to share that information with you), the primary military records center is in St. Louis. There was a huge fire there, in the 70's I think, but many records, even those that were damaged, are still available.  Also, depending on the Branch of service (U.S. Army in your case) there are some other places around the country that may have his records. I think mine were mailed to me from Colorado (?) , but that will vary, with Branch.  I have one reason that I suggest people in your shoes consider trying to make contact and that is to find out if there are any Hereditary Medical issues. Possibly you can find some information that will then help you locate him on Facebook or on  https://pipl.com/or on some other web site... GL 

 

https://www.archives.gov/veterans/

[ajfries]

Lolly, I appreciate that you shared your experience from the 'other' side. It's very insightful. 

 

I've just posted to a private FB group of voluntary "finders". I hope that he's fairly easy to track down given that I know where & when he was stationed in Germany. 

 

This is so weird. 

[Scarlett]

And then there are good stories with the siblings....my sister, 3 1/2 years younger than me, did not know of my existence until she was 11 1/2 and I was 15. It was life changing for both of us even though my bio dad has never shown much interest in me. She and I bonded instantly BUT he didn't want me in their life and deliberately kept us apart for the next 28 years.

 

She found me on FB 7 years ago and it has been wonderful. We text all of the time, we share, we visit. We love each other.

 

We were both very scared to reach out after all of those years....not knowing of course we had both tried to find the other.

 

When she told bio dad she had found me and gone to see me he started in, "now dd you don't know..." She interrupted him and said, "yes I do Dad. I have known since I first laid eyes on her when I was 11 that she is my sister. And it isn't about you anymore. It is about us".

 

I hope you find the info you need.

[NotSoObvious]

I do have his name, but it's basically the Hispanic equivalent of John Smith :) I have some basic information about him (where he went to college & grew up), but nothing like his birth date or parents' names. 

 

 

 

That's actually quite a bit of info. You know generally how old he was when she got pregnant, right?

 

I'm happy to look for some records on Ancestry for you. PM me.

 

There are a ton of adoption groups on FB, too.

[ajfries]

That's actually quite a bit of info. You know generally how old he was when she got pregnant, right?

 

I'm happy to look for some records on Ancestry for you. PM me.

 

There are a ton of adoption groups on FB, too.

 

I just sent you a PM :) Thank you for your offer. My mom knows his approximate DOB, within a month. :)

[ajfries]

And then there are good stories with the siblings....my sister, 3 1/2 years younger than me, did not know of my existence until she was 11 1/2 and I was 15. It was life changing for both of us even though my bio dad has never shown much interest in me. She and I bonded instantly BUT he didn't want me in their life and deliberately kept us apart for the next 28 years.

 

She found me on FB 7 years ago and it has been wonderful. We text all of the time, we share, we visit. We love each other.

 

We were both very scared to reach out after all of those years....not knowing of course we had both tried to find the other.

 

When she told bio dad she had found me and gone to see me he started in, "now dd you don't know..." She interrupted him and said, "yes I do Dad. I have known since I first laid eyes on her when I was 11 that she is my sister. And it isn't about you anymore. It is about us".

 

I hope you find the info you need.

 

I have to admit, I am most excited (though I wouldn't really say I'm excited per se) about the possibility of half siblings. I was raised with my half sister and she and I are polar opposites in every way. Looking at our family I was always the Puerto Rican amongst a bunch of redheads.  :lol: 

[Scarlett]

I have to admit, I am most excited (though I wouldn't really say I'm excited per se) about the possibility of half siblings. I was raised with my half sister and she and I are polar opposites in every way. Looking at our family I was always the Puerto Rican amongst a bunch of redheads. :lol:

 

LOL...well I was raised with a half brother...never call him that though except at times like this discussion....and well he has issues.

 

My sister and I are the only children of our dad...but my sister has 4 half siblings on her moms side. Our dad took custody of her at their divorce when my sister was 18 months old. She was always in her siblings life but she says she never bonded with them in the way she and I have.

[mommaduck]

Been there, done that. Also adopted by a step parent. Yes, I found my father (my mother's first husband). I found siblings, cousins, etc. I've been disowned by my mother, step father, and the brothers from that side. I have greater blessings though.

[ajfries]

Well, as insane as it is, fellow board member NotSoObvious found him. He lives within her geographical area and showed up straightaway on a search. My mom sent him a friend request and he responded. They've just gotten off the phone; he has no other children and has tried finding my mom in the past but couldn't because her last name is was...well, 2 names ago. He says he called my grandma years ago and she told him that my mom had a son and not to ever call back. Knowing my grandma it is possible. Or my mom could have made that up and he may not have even said that.

 

He's desperate to meet me and is incredibly emotional about the whole thing. I'm in shock and I'm...cautious. I was anticipating that it could take years...not hours. Seriously, it has been less than 24 hours since I posted here.

[AmandaVT]

Wow - I was thinking Ancestry could help with the search- that's quick!! 

 

I'm cautiously happy for you? Do you think you'd be willing to meet him?

[Scarlett]

Wow! I am so excited! That is incredible!

 

I am near tears on your behalf.

[Liz CA]

Good heavens, that was fast. Let us know how it goes.

[Ravin]

Wow, how exciting!

 

Let us know how it goes for sure!

[Spryte]

Wow! Congrats! I hope it goes wonderfully!

 

DH found his bio family last year, and it's been fantastic. We love them. There are parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, even a grandparent. All welcoming, accepting and loving. It's been amazing. If you want to talk privately, just pm me.

[kbutton]

Cautiously happy for you too. My grandfather has a ton of bio and half siblings. The half siblings mostly disowned each other, and they had nothing to do with my grandpa and his full sibs. The youngest half sibling was dying for extended family and felt bad that his full siblings wouldn't have anything do do with each other. Fortunately, he found my grandpa and his remaining family. It's been a good experience. The "new" brother and his kids attend family reunions and the whole bit. 

[ajfries]

Bio dad & I have exchanged 2 emails.  Meanwhile, he & my mom have been spending a considerable amount of time talking to each other on the phone. This makes me incredibly uneasy.  I was the one who sought him out & I feel like she's...well, she's playing both sides. I feel very strongly that he should get to know me by means of ME and I should get to know him the same way.  She could have found him at any point in the last 30 years and she didn't.  And now that I'm interested she...I don't know if she feels threatened or if she feels like she can gain something from him...anyway. He sent her $1,000 check (and he sent one to her for me, too, for a higher amount). She just had to get her car fixed & I'm sure she'll take the money but I can't.  I understand that he probably feels like it's the least he can do; like it's all he has to offer me but I just don't feel like our relationship is at that point & I think he & mom are talking enough that he does feel like he can do this. 

 

I'm figuring out a way to graciously decline, while making it clear that  I'm not rejecting him (or his kindness). I'm also trying to figure out how to ask the two of them to cool it and let me make the choice of how much information about myself to share with him.  I can't control the flow of information that he's getting from her. 

 

I don't know...I really wish I hadn't told my mom that I found him. 

[Susan in KY]

Aw, Jenna, I am sorry for that twist of affairs. I bet as you actually talk to him you'll find the words to let him know that you don't want money to complicate things right off the bat. Maybe a cup of coffee to start, but you don't have the history they have for a jumping off point. Maybe he'll get that and actually be grateful for your honesty as you both see what it looks like from here forward.

 

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

 

 

Just a side thing. My brother has a child who he lost contact with when the child was an infant. he has been putting money aside for that child for 18 years now. I can imagine that my brother would do something similar to your father and send the money off as soon as he was contacted by the adult child - not because he is trying to rush a relationship but because he has  always wanted so much to be part of that child's life

[ajfries]

:grouphug:

 

 

Just a side thing. My brother has a child who he lost contact with when the child was an infant. he has been putting money aside for that child for 18 years now. I can imagine that my brother would do something similar to your father and send the money off as soon as he was contacted by the adult child - not because he is trying to rush a relationship but because he has  always wanted so much to be part of that child's life

 

I do appreciate that perspective...I completely respect the good intentions that (I'm assuming) he has and I don't want to belittle that in any way, but I just can't bring myself to accept thousands of dollars from a stranger. I'm assuming that there's no strings attached, but I don't know because we haven't discussed it. I guess that's the thing. If it were like "Jenna, I'm so glad to have you in my life now. I know that I can't make up for the years we lost, but I'd like you to accept this as a gift...." but there was nothing like that. He obviously discussed it with my mom (who, I'm sure, has very few qualms with accepting the money because she is desperate) but not with me. I think that's what upsets me. The 2 of them are (re)building a relationship and I feel like I'm just supposed to go along with.  But their pace is...I can't match that.

[goldberry]

 He says he called my grandma years ago and she told him that my mom had a son and not to ever call back. Knowing my grandma it is possible. Or my mom could have made that up and he may not have even said that.

 

 

Very possible... my dad was in New York before he deployed to Germany where he met and married my mother.  While in NY, he fooled around with a woman.  While my dad was still overseas, this woman got a hold of my grandma somehow to tell him that she had gotten pregnant with my dad and had a child.  My grandma didn't tell my dad and told the woman never to call again.  She finally spilled something about it YEARS LATER after my dad retired and moved back to the states.  Dad tried to track down the woman at the time, but never found her.

[goldberry]

 I'm also trying to figure out how to ask the two of them to cool it and let me make the choice of how much information about myself to share with him.  I can't control the flow of information that he's getting from her. 

 

 

 

Since your dad is the one looking for the relationship, I would direct that message to your dad first, and very clearly.  He will be more likely to accommodate I would think since he is looking to please you.  Your mom sounds like she is more focused on herself right now.

[ajfries]

Since your dad is the one looking for the relationship, I would direct that message to your dad first, and very clearly.  He will be more likely to accommodate I would think since he is looking to please you.  Your mom sounds like she is more focused on herself right now.

 

I think you're right. My hangup is that I've never felt like he rejected me, given that he didn't know me. But if I ask this of him...and he's not willing; if he chooses her. Ugh. It would be incredibly hard.  I did ask him not to pursue a romantic relationship with my mom, but perhaps that leaves too much to interpretation. I also figure they could both just lie to me about whether they're having contact which, again, would be really hurtful when I found out about it. 

[ElizabethB]

You really don't have much, if any, control what your parents do, even if you don't like it. I would get to know your Dad on a schedule you are comfortable with and try to ignore the other stuff. I would be annoyed with it too, though...

[ElizabethB]

And on a separate note, I would just like to say that the hive is amazing!!! :)

[maize]

OK, so I think this is what I would do with the money: put it in my kids' college savings accounts. That way it won't feel like a rejection to your dad (rejecting a well intentioned gift can be really hurtful) but neither should you feel beholden to him, you're not using the money, but you are passing it on to benefit his grandkids.

[Melissa in Australia]

I do appreciate that perspective...I completely respect the good intentions that (I'm assuming) he has and I don't want to belittle that in any way, but I just can't bring myself to accept thousands of dollars from a stranger. I'm assuming that there's no strings attached, but I don't know because we haven't discussed it. I guess that's the thing. If it were like "Jenna, I'm so glad to have you in my life now. I know that I can't make up for the years we lost, but I'd like you to accept this as a gift...." but there was nothing like that. He obviously discussed it with my mom (who, I'm sure, has very few qualms with accepting the money because she is desperate) but not with me. I think that's what upsets me. The 2 of them are (re)building a relationship and I feel like I'm just supposed to go along with.  But their pace is...I can't match that.

I hear you.

 

 My brother has put aside many thousands. In fact he put away how much he thought he would be giving in child support. For the child's entre childhood.

[goldberry]

I hear you.

 

 My brother has put aside many thousands. In fact he put away how much he thought he would be giving in child support. For the child's entre childhood.

 

That's really cool.  Good for him.

[goldberry]

You really don't have much, if any, control what your parents do, even if you don't like it. 

 

That's true, but her mother owes her the respect of not sharing everything about the OP.  The OP should be the one who decides how much and when to share.  OP can't control it, but that is what is the right thing to do.

[ajfries]

Deleted. :)

Edited February 2, 2016 by ajfries

[Scarlett]

Wow. Just wow. Who talks that way?

 

I am getting nervous for you. LOL......

 

Would it bother you if they became involved?

 

To me it is just muddying the waters. Tell him that....say, hey I can't control your love life or my moms but I would like to get to know you without that complication.

 

And yes he most certainly can love you with out loving your mother.

[ajfries]

Oh, that's nothing. I deleted the part relating the story of David and Bathsheba. And their being reconciled to God as evidenced by the fact that Solomon was anointed King.

 

I'm gonna be a king, y'all! So, bio dad is Super Catholic, I'm one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and my mother could not care less about God. ROFL

Edited February 1, 2016 by ajfries

[Scarlett]

Oh, that's nothing. I deleted the part relating the story of David and Bathsheba. And their being reconciled to God as evidenced by the fact that Solomon was anointed King.

 

I'm gonna be a king, y'all! So, bio dad is Super Catholic, I'm one of Jehovah's Witnesses, and my mother could not care less about God. ROFL

OH my word. Does he know you are JW?

[ajfries]

OH my word. Does he know you are JW?

Yep, and his older brother is a Witness...but they haven't spoken in years. It's beyond crazy.

[maize]

Um, wow.

 

Huh.

 

Is your mom the only romantic interest this guy has ever had? If so maybe for a good reason. Reading something like that I seriously wonder if there is some kind of social impairment going on, something like Aspergers. 

[Scarlett]

Yep, and his older brother is a Witness...but they haven't spoken in years. It's beyond crazy.

Seriously? Wow.....that is crazy. Why haven't they spoken? Because of religion?

[maize]

How does your mom feel about all this?

 

They're independent adults, you really can't stop them from pursuing a relationship if they want to. 

 

Wow what an unexpected turn of events.

[goldberry]

 

I mean...is he saying that he fully intends to pursue a relationship with my mom as soon as I give the go ahead??

 

 

That's what I'm hearing.  But I'm with Scarlett, who the heck talks that way?  That's just weird.

Edited February 1, 2016 by goldberry

[ajfries]

Seriously? Wow.....that is crazy. Why haven't they spoken? Because of religion?

"My Brother Frankie is a Jehovah’s Witness and has been faithfully so since he was about 17 years old. I suspect that this is the seminal reason why he does not maintain our kinship. There is much to relate but I don’t think that written correspondence is the way to go."

[goldberry]

And hugs to you Jenna.  This isn't normal.  You wanted to explore this for yourself, and it sounds like it became all about rekindling some "ember of faded love" that apparently neither cared enough about to even look into before.  Whatever.