SO: never becoming a grandparent

[LLMom]

This has been on my mind lately and this topic prompted me to ask. How does one accept when our adult children make choices we don't like or we are disappointed in? The pain can be great (yes, I know from experience), and I tend to take it personally. For example, none of my older 3 say they will homeschool (only 1has children), my oldest is not a stay-at-home mom (and not for financial reasons) one child has abandoned his religious upbringing, etc. wondering how I can get to a place of acceptance and move beyond the pain.

[regentrude]

Maybe by accepting that each person has to live his or her own life, and that self determination is the most fundamental human right?

 

I cannot make choices for my children, I cannot dream for my children. They must live their lives and make their own choices and follow their own dreams.

I have been thinking a lot about this, because one child has plans for the future that are not remotely what I would envision for him. I have come to the realization that my only role is to provide support and, if requested, guidance.

 

I would be heartbroken if my children turned out to be criminals, if they were not productive, contributing members of society - that would be painful. I would be very concerned for them if they entered an abusive relationship or joined a cult. But I cannot see myself getting upset about lifestyle choices like working vs staying home, or homeschooling vs school. I am not living my mother's life, and am not expecting my children to live mine.

ETA: I am sure my mother is not happy that I emigrated to a different continent. I very much appreciate it that she never said so and never tried to change my mind.

 

I find these words very spot on and comforting:

 

On Children by Kahlil Gibran

 

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

 

You may give them your love but not your thoughts.

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

 

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Edited January 18, 2016 by regentrude

[Pawz4me]

I think one of the hardest parts of parenting is coming to terms with and (hopefully, eventually) fully accepting the fact that our children are their own unique selves and not merely extensions of us, their parents.  And that's their right, and the way it should be.

[Reefgazer]

I agree with Regentrude, above; I have to remind myself of the substance of her post as my kids  (especially my oldest, who is thinking about her life's work now) forge a different path from what I envisioned.

 

But take this for comfort:  You never know.  My mom was a SAHM until I was about 14 or so.  I *swore* I would never be a SAHM; I would work full time and the kid would be happy and thriving in daycare.  Here we are...I only work part-time (for a while, I was completely SAHM) and homeschool.  *Never* thought I would be here, so you just don't know and neither do they, LOL!

This has been on my mind lately and this topic prompted me to ask. How does one accept when our adult children make choices we don't like or we are disappointed in? The pain can be great (yes, I know from experience), and I tend to take it personally. For example, none of my older 3 say they will homeschool (only 1has children), my oldest is not a stay-at-home mom (and not for financial reasons) one child has abandoned his religious upbringing, etc. wondering how I can get to a place of acceptance and move beyond the pain.

 

Edited January 19, 2016 by reefgazer

[LLMom]

I think what hurts most is that one child in particular is not doing well, and he blames me/homeschooling for his troubles. And sadly he is a criminal. (Been in jail 3 times and has a felony) So, I do take it personally, wonder if I did things wrong, etc. yes, our children are their own selves but many of us hope they carry on things like religiously/family beliefs. Thank you for sharing.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It's their life.

 

There are definitely some things I would have a hell of a hard time coming to terms with.  They are pretty life altering things though.  Stuff like homeschooling, whether to have kids, etc. I don't have a problem with that.

 

I actually kinda hope my kids don't homeschool.  Or at least I won't care if they do or do not.  It's not that easy.  It is a huge sacrifice. 

[IdahoHomeschooler]

I do not believe what I was raised to believe. My beliefs did not change as a result of 'abandoning' anything. My beliefs changed because of my experiences in life. I fully expect that my child will end up with her own beliefs, and won't feel abandoned that she did so.

 

I homeschool my child. I do not homeschool as a personal affront to my mother, who chose to send her kids to public/private schools. I homeschool because it is what works best for my family, and best fits my beliefs, based on my experiences in life. If my mother took it personally that I homeschool, I would laugh in her face at the sheer ridiculousness of it. It would also never occur to me to expect my child to homeschool her children, or to take it personally that she chooses not to.

 

There are many reasons to choose working that aren't all financial. It is highly unlikely that anyone chooses to work to spite their mother. It might be worthwhile to consider therapy to help you adjust to being the parent of adults, and to address the issues that cause you to feel that your adult children's choices are a personal slight toward you. They aren't horrible people making terrible choices that hurt others. I can think of so many things that are far, far worse than an adult daughter holding down a job, or someone choosing to not homeschool their children :/

[albeto.]

This has been on my mind lately and this topic prompted me to ask. How does one accept when our adult children make choices we don't like or we are disappointed in? The pain can be great (yes, I know from experience), and I tend to take it personally. For example, none of my older 3 say they will homeschool (only 1has children), my oldest is not a stay-at-home mom (and not for financial reasons) one child has abandoned his religious upbringing, etc. wondering how I can get to a place of acceptance and move beyond the pain.

 

My child lost his faith before I did. I was never involved in a religious community that taught eternal torment was the default of one who doesn't believe (after all, one might be genuinely and innocently ignorant, one might never have the opportunity to know, one might genuinely follow their conscience - Rom  3?, etc), but still it was hard for me to think of him giving up certain things. I thought for sure he was losing a friend, companion, the ability to discern right from wrong, etc. We had many conversations over the years and even before I eventually lost my faith, I came to realize the things I valued, he still valued. He simply approached them differently. For example, we value justice, and that requires empathy. He was no less sympathetic for changing his belief system. We both value responsibility. He was no less responsible for changing his belief system. We both value maintaining strong, healthy social bonds. He was no less willing to maintain relationships for changing his beliefs. I offer this in hopes that while you may feel a kind of loss your child likely doesn't, chances are, you still have similar virtues and value systems. You probably just go about them differently. Maybe a heart-to-heart talk will help. 

 

ETA: I know this is only a small portion of your concerns. I do sympathize with your worry. 

Edited January 18, 2016 by albeto.

[Laurie4b]

LLMom,  :grouphug: . It is hard. We love them every bit as much as when they were an infant or an adorable 3 year old, or a 7 year old wide-eyed at the world, but we can't make their choices for them and their adult choices are so impactful, not just of their lives but of ours. It is very hard, especially when the choices cause us pain. 

 

I would be heart-broken about my son in your circumstances as well.  Maybe a thread about what people have done in those circumstances might bring you some more comfort and guidance. 

 

ETA: I think for your dd's that it's more of just accepting that they are on their own path and try to be supportive of whatever they choose in the moment of their choosing. 

Edited January 18, 2016 by Laurie4b

[SparklyUnicorn]

My mother was upset for a time when I told her I was an atheist.  I was 13.  I'm 41 and have never changed my mind.  She got over it.

 

 

[Garga]

I don't know OP.  My parents are the ones who have caused me grief with their life choices.  I used to tell my DH, "They're adults and free to do what they want," when he would be aghast at the things they did, but now I am the one who has trouble letting things that they do go.  The older I get the more I don't understand the decisions they make and the more I realize how little they care for me.  When I was younger, I didn't see it as clearly as he (as an outsider) did. And now, 23 years later, I'm the one who is aghast at what they do and he just shakes his head and says, "Well, that's just how they are you know."

 

Family can cause a lot of pain.  Thinking to yourself, "Well, they have to live their own lives," is little comfort when their decisions hurt you or cause harm to themselves, as with your son blaming you for his problems and ending up in jail.

 

I am back to trying to brainwash myself, "They're adults and they can do what they like," and trying my best to let go of the hurt.  But it feels personal and it's hard to let go.

 

No advice from me, but just a bit of commiseration, because it's especially hard to deal with emotions that you know aren't really justifiable, yet they still hurt.  (It's not justifiable that because your kids choose differently that it should hurt you....but it does.  Same as with my parents.)

Edited January 18, 2016 by Garga

[shage]

I think what hurts most is that one child in particular is not doing well, and he blames me/homeschooling for his troubles. And sadly he is a criminal. (Been in jail 3 times and has a felony) So, I do take it personally, wonder if I did things wrong, etc. yes, our children are their own selves but many of us hope they carry on things like religiously/family beliefs. Thank you for sharing.

 

FWIW I work with the people incarcerated and I don't believe we have cogent explanations for why people end up on that path. We have hints and ideas and theories, but at the end of the day it's extraordinarily complex.

 

Whether you believe in free will or not as a philosophical or religious construct, there is evidence that people stuck in negative behavior patterns do better if they accept they have agency. IOW it matters less if free will actually exists than if people think they have it.

 

To that end, I think it is very appropriate to say to adult children: I accept this is your interpretation of your childhood and I hope you make the most of your circumstances. I love you and really wish the best. At this moment in time I am not interested in Monday morning quarter backing our parental choices because it is too painful. I hope you can have those conversations with friends, counselors, spiritual advisors.

 

Basically affirm the adult child's feelings, but don't have the painful conversations if it is leading to a cycle of the child believing in even less agency. Let someone else give the perspective. Right now if he succeeds in pushing this button, it just confirms his worldview. 

Edited January 18, 2016 by shage

[Guest]

Does this help?

 

https://www.lifesitenews.com/opinion/what-im-never-going-to-tell-you-about-homeschooling

 

I'm not a Christian, but I have BTDT with adult kids.

 

(((((((((((((((LLMom)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Edited January 18, 2016 by Guest

[kroe1]

I just sit naked on the couch and eat ice cream out of the box. That makes me thankful they are grown and out of the house so I can do that. Now if I can just get brave enough to open a curtain. Lol.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I just sit naked on the couch and eat ice cream out of the box. That makes me thankful they are grown and out of the house so I can do that. Now if I can just get brave enough to open a curtain. Lol.

 

:lol:

[lllll]

nm

 

Edited January 31, 2016 by - 8 95

[shage]

I just sit naked on the couch and eat ice cream out of the box. That makes me thankful they are grown and out of the house so I can do that. Now if I can just get brave enough to open a curtain. Lol.

 

Best parenting approach ever.

 

Especially if it makes interactions with them easier.

Edited January 18, 2016 by shage

[bettyandbob]

Adult children are separate people who can make independent decisions. If my adult DC can't make independent decisions, then i could think there's something wrong with how I raised them.

 

They make decisions differently than me. Honestly, I want them to be able to approach decision making differently. I am very risk averse and that's incredibly limiting.

 

I don't see getting upset at lifestyles ( working mom, homeschooling) or religion.I want them to have similar moral values in terms of compassion for others and having a work ethic. I'm happy if they are happy, compassionate and self supporting. I'm not sure it's healthy to expect DC to adopt the some lifestyle completely. They take how they were raised in the reality in which they live and reinterpret those lessons--they aren't reliving my life.

Edited January 19, 2016 by Diana P.

[HRAAB]

All my older children have done things that I don't like.  I won't deny that it hasn't hurt at times, but then I have to admit that I'm making it about me when it's about them and their lives.  I choose to focus on the positives which far outweigh the perceived negatives.  They are kind, compassionate, honest, hard working, responsible adults who have made some different choices than I made.  I had my chance to make those decisions; now they get the same opportunity I did.  When I look at it from that perspective, I don't have anything (much anyway) to complain about.

[Alicia64]

My dad didn't speak to me for a year when I pulled my kids out of Kinder and started homeschooling.

 

I want to be the kind of parent of adults that trusts in my kids' wisdom. I don't have all the answers. If my dad had stopped and listened to me at any point he would have learned something.

 

I've told my boys many times, "I'd love it if you homeschool, but you'll make the decision that's right for your family."

 

Alley

 

 

[Jenny in Florida]

I think (hope) that I will handle my interactions with my adult children with the same respect and consideration I strive for in relationships with other adults. We've made a few "counter-culture" choices for our family, and because I feel so strongly about wanting others to respect and honor my choices, I believe I have to extend the same courtesy to others, even if they happen to be people to whom I gave birth.

 

My daughter has made it clear that she will likely not homeschool, not necessarily because she is opposed -- she actually has said lots of kind and supportive things about her own childhood and education -- but because she has other personal and professional goals that are not really compatible with being a SAHM. She has expressed gratitude for the experience of growing up the way she did, but wants a different path for herself.

 

It doesn't occur to me to feel hurt by this, because she is living her own life and making her own choices, just as I did. 

 

I'm not saying there aren't certain things that would bug me: If one of my kids became an avid hunter, I'd have some trouble with that, for sure. But I like to think that I would be able to compartmentalize my love and devotion to my family away from any idealogical issue and approach actual interactions the same way I would with anyone else. 

 

 

[Catherine]

I think what hurts most is that one child in particular is not doing well, and he blames me/homeschooling for his troubles. And sadly he is a criminal. (Been in jail 3 times and has a felony) So, I do take it personally, wonder if I did things wrong, etc. yes, our children are their own selves but many of us hope they carry on things like religiously/family beliefs. Thank you for sharing.

(((((hugs))))) to you.  I know that you are suffering-it must be so painful.  I have a close friend whose son has been in jail, in juvie, homeless, a drug addict, etc.  The pain has been awful, not to mention the fear...that he will die or seriously harm someone else. I am very fortunate-I've not been there...yet.  But one thing that really helped my friend a great deal is an online forum for parents of RAD kids, and NA (Narcotics Anonymous) for family members of addicts.  

 

Watching a child make poor choices is one of the most difficult things about parenthood.  It literally feels like a rejection of who we are.  But they are their own people.  Letting go of the outcome is something that takes a lifetime.  

[Pam in CT]

:grouphug:

 

I have long loved the Khalil Gibran poem regentrude shared above; we recited it at the baby naming of our firstborn.

 

 

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you.

 

It's an easy thing to say and a hard one to live.

 

 

This has been on my mind lately and this topic prompted me to ask. How does one accept when our adult children make choices we don't like or we are disappointed in? The pain can be great (yes, I know from experience), and I tend to take it personally. For example, none of my older 3 say they will homeschool (only 1has children), my oldest is not a stay-at-home mom (and not for financial reasons) one child has abandoned his religious upbringing, etc. wondering how I can get to a place of acceptance and move beyond the pain.

 

One way to try to think these kinds of issues through might be to reflect on choices YOU have made that are different from those of your own parents.  

 

I have made a number of such choices (schooling, timing of work outside the home, religion) differently.... That I have chosen differently doesn't mean I reject my parents.  Their choices made sense for them; mine made sense for us.  As we came into adulthood we worked out areas in which we have different values and priorities than our parents; there will be domains in which our children similarly will go their own ways.  That's how it works.

 

In the great scheme, things like schooling, SAH or work outside, and (even) religious fit are pretty minor.  Loads of people make widely varying choices and still lead productive compassionate healthy lives, right?

 

 

 

 

I think what hurts most is that one child in particular is not doing well, and he blames me/homeschooling for his troubles. And sadly he is a criminal. (Been in jail 3 times and has a felony) So, I do take it personally, wonder if I did things wrong, etc. yes, our children are their own selves but many of us hope they carry on things like religiously/family beliefs. Thank you for sharing.

 

:grouphug: This is much harder, to see your loved one in a position of hurting so deeply and possibly hurting others as well.

 

In your short post, you've actually said three distinct things:

 

1.  Child is struggling; 

 

2.  Child blames you for the struggle; and

 

3.  You take your child's struggle personally.

 

I'm no therapist, but I'd encourage you to separate out your understandable pain on (1) from items (2) and (3).  

 

 

May you find peace.  Holding you in the light.

[mamiof5]

I am not trying to be harsh on your ds, but what I read frustrated me. There are adults out there who had horrible childhoods (were abandoned, abused, raped etc., you name it). Yes, maybe he didn't like being homeschooled? But I mean, it doesn't sound like the most horrible thing that could have happened to him. I feel he's making poor choices and by blaming you he is not taking responsibility for it, he's just taking the easy way out and blaming you. I think that he'd had also blamed you had he gone to public school, private, charter or whatever education choices you made. Homeschooling takes so much time, and effort. I am sure you, as a parent, made that loving choice because you felt it was the best for your family, not with the intention of hurting him or any of your kids (thankfully I don't know any parents whose intention is to hurt their children). So, my advice? For what it's worth... don't let him talk you into guilt. HE is making poor choices, HE has to take responsibility for them. Blaming mom is not an option. He didn't like being homeschooled? Well...sorry. It's all said and done, can't take time back. I honestly feel he is manipulating you and not taking responsibility for his actions. Feeling sad, frustrated, worried for him is perfectly natural and normal, but don't let him give you a guilt trip, that's not right. Again, sorry if I am sounding a little too harsh on him. I am a homeschooling mom myself, and it made me sad to read that he's blaming you for his actions :(. Will pray for you all!

[Amy in NH]

My children will live their adult lives how they choose.  My grown kids are saying (right now - they're still young an unattached) that they will never have children, not because they had awful childhoods but because they don't want to be encumbered by the responsibility of being a parent.  If they continue with that plan I have to accept it.  I can channel my grandparenting energy into other useful pursuits like volunteering with a youth development program, in an afterschool program, or holding premies in the NICU. 

[lauranc]

I think what hurts most is that one child in particular is not doing well, and he blames me/homeschooling for his troubles. And sadly he is a criminal. (Been in jail 3 times and has a felony) So, I do take it personally, wonder if I did things wrong, etc. yes, our children are their own selves but many of us hope they carry on things like religiously/family beliefs. Thank you for sharing.

 

Take comfort in the fact that you could have done everything very differently, and your son could still have ended up in jail.. not doing well.  Just like any of us, he has choices.  The fact that he made poor ones is not your fault.

 

I think you can also take comfort in the fact that he is not done yet.  We are all works in progress. 

[mommaduck]

I've come to a place where I've realized that I need to be the mother my children need, not the mother that I held up as the ideal.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I have two on the cusp of adulthood: one in college, one a senior in high school.  I have always thought it my job to teach them to think for themselves, find the path they were created to follow, and follow it.  I haven't raised them to follow a certain path that I envision for them.  I haven't raised them to think like me, or act like me, or believe what I believe.  I have tried to teach them not to sabotage their own pathways by engaging in activities that are detrimental to their own well being.  We have tried to be good role models (not perfect, but good enough that they can tell we're trying to follow our own value system).  

 

My oldest has proclaimed that she never plans to marry or have children.  I'm fine with that.  My second has always been determined to blaze his own trail.  It has always made me nervous, but I keep learning to trust him.  He always finds his way in his time.  I wish the world were more friendly toward allowing young adults the time they need to figure it out without having to sacrifice so much (scholarships, for instance, that are dependent on students making early decisions and beginning college right out of high school).

 

Anyway, to answer the OP's question, since it is my philosophy and my practice to allow them to choose for themselves, I don't see that I will be hurt by their choices.  It hurts sometimes to watch them live through some of their choices, but that is more empathetic, not personal.  They're not hurting me.