AimeeM Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) NM. I think this was the wrong place to post this. Edited January 14, 2016 by AimeeM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Well, my own dh had issues with being abrasive when he was under too much stress at work. We solved that problem with him working for himself eventually, but I learned that the longer I let it go and hoped he would come to himself (because he normally is not that way either) the worse he would get. I eventually learned to nip it in the bud. One thing that helped me realize it wouldn't get better was a book someone loaned me about verbal abuse. In the book I noticed that many cases of verbal abuse happened after the kids all moved out of the house and the man would start picking on his wife full time. So when I realized that it might get worse over time and not better we saw a counselor. We went to an excellent counselor who helped dh see that he was being rude and helped me to stand up for myself. But you are going to have to be honest with your dh that you don't deserve to be his pressure valve. There are going to be other stressful times in marriage too, and you don't want this to be your dh's go to behavior. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
8circles Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 I think that you can be gracious and also call him out on his abusive behavior. It isn't either/or. I'd be afraid of establishing pattern if it isn't nipped in the bud. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Don't take it personally. But maybe tell him gently that you think he's taking things out on you. He might need to hear it spelled out. Maybe you could help him arrange to do something fun to take his mind off things? Get him out of the house or whatever. Could you field calls from the hospice or nurse occasionally? I noticed visiting my parents recently that my dad has a short fuse as he is dealing with my mom's failing health. Well, sometimes we think her health is improving, other times we don't, most of the time we can't tell. I had to make a conscious effort to be positive the last few days I was in town figuring my emotions fueled others'? I'm not sure what specifically you are doing, but it sounds like you are trying really hard. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) Well, my own dh had issues with being abrasive when he was under too much stress at work. We solved that problem with him working for himself eventually, but I learned that the longer I let it go and hoped he would come to himself (because he normally is not that way either) the worse he would get. I eventually learned to nip it in the bud. One thing that helped me realize it wouldn't get better was a book someone loaned me about verbal abuse. In the book I noticed that many cases of verbal abuse happened after the kids all moved out of the house and the man would start picking on his wife full time. So when I realized that it might get worse over time and not better we saw a counselor. We went to an excellent counselor who helped dh see that he was being rude and helped me to stand up for myself. But you are going to have to be honest with your dh that you don't deserve to be his pressure valve. There are going to be other stressful times in marriage too, and you don't want this to be your dh's go to behavior. NM Edited January 14, 2016 by AimeeM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caribbean Queen Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 It sounds like you think you should be able to put up with verbal abuse because He's a good guy, normally. He is under stress. He can't help mistreating you, due to the stress. He mistreats you because he loves you. You need to be there for him...(to be mean to) You need to be more supportive. You shouldn't have been there to be yelled at. He needed space, but you didn't realize it. I think these are all lousy ideas that need to be gotten rid of . 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Depression in men commonly manifests as anger. And yes, you would be a "safe person" to receive it. He probably holds it together at work and tries to with the kids and... BTDT and it sucks. Honestly, I've been on the reverse as well especially with PPD. Even if he thinks he's holding it together for work and the kids, he's likely not. I had to rather forcefully tell mine to go talk to someone. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurel Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) NM Edited January 14, 2016 by Laurel Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 It sounds like you think you should be able to put up with verbal abuse because He's a good guy, normally. He is a good man. The very best. He is under stress. I'm not always a nice person to be around when I'm in a foul mood either. The difference is that I've never had a long term stressor like this, so my foul moods (which I sometimes take out on others) are short-lived. He can't help mistreating you, due to the stress. He mistreats you because he loves you. Whoa. Back up the train. Never said that. I said that he think it's safe to speak this way to me because I love him. You really like to play with words. You need to be there for him...(to be mean to) I need to be there for him while he's going through a tough time - like he's always been there for me. Yep, even when I'm in a bad mood he's been there for me. You need to be more supportive. Of course I do. You can never be too supportive. You shouldn't have been there to be yelled at. He needed space, but you didn't realize it. I noted that I can't always tell when he's in a bad mood until he's snapped at me. Kind of like when I can't tell that DS3 is tired until he starts displaying behavior that INDICATES he is tired. Not a mind reader over here :) I think these are all lousy ideas that need to be gotten rid of I think the same... but largely because these weren't ideas that I mean to infer as fact. I erased my post - because I don't think this is the best place to post... and because I think that I must have terrible writing skills if this is what you took from my post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 Depression in men commonly manifests as anger. And yes, you would be a "safe person" to receive it. He probably holds it together at work and tries to with the kids and... BTDT and it sucks. Honestly, I've been on the reverse as well especially with PPD. Even if he thinks he's holding it together for work and the kids, he's likely not. I had to rather forcefully tell mine to go talk to someone. :grouphug: He's rather fond of our parish priest and he's clinging tightly to his faith right now, so I think I'll suggest that he talk to Father L. I don't think he'd be able to talk to anyone else, honestly. His work is being very kind about letting him work remotely one week every month, so that he can fly up to be with Dad occasionally, but he'd (understandably) rather spend that time with Dad, not with a counselor, and... well, that's just the way things are right now with the schedule. It's the reason me and the kids are going up to help Dad, instead of DH going. I know he'd rather be the one to go, but DH is nothing if he isn't responsible regarding work and caring for his family (and Dad would kick his butt, no matter how old DH is, if he thought DH was putting his job in jeopardy over him). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurel Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 I tried to pm you but it said you can't receive any new messages... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caribbean Queen Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 I was wrong when I said, "He mistreats you because he loves you." You did say he talks meanly to you, because you love him. As far as putting up with mean husbands, BTDT. I wish you the best. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 (edited) I tried to pm you but it said you can't receive any new messages... Maybe I'm full. Let me check. ETA: I was full. Empty now :P Edited January 14, 2016 by AimeeM Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valley Girl Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 He's rather fond of our parish priest and he's clinging tightly to his faith right now, so I think I'll suggest that he talk to Father L. I don't think he'd be able to talk to anyone else, honestly. His work is being very kind about letting him work remotely one week every month, so that he can fly up to be with Dad occasionally, but he'd (understandably) rather spend that time with Dad, not with a counselor, and... well, that's just the way things are right now with the schedule. It's the reason me and the kids are going up to help Dad, instead of DH going. I know he'd rather be the one to go, but DH is nothing if he isn't responsible regarding work and caring for his family (and Dad would kick his butt, no matter how old DH is, if he thought DH was putting his job in jeopardy over him). You guys are in an incredibly difficult situation. (Been there.) Keep talking to him. He needs the love and support you're giving him, but he also needs to know that the way he is handling his stress is hurting you. He may not even realize how he's coming across. That doesn't excuse it. It just means he'll need help seeing it. Every time. ("You probably don't realize how what you said comes across..." Having him talk to your priest is an excellent idea. I second what a PP said about taking care of yourself, too. Holding the whole thing together has to be taking a toll on you as well. Blessings. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Sometimes situations can be overwhelming enough to throw off brain chemistry. He may need a medical check up as well as a spiritual one. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 Sometimes situations can be overwhelming enough to throw off brain chemistry. He may need a medical check up as well as a spiritual one. :) What would they need to look at? He is on a program through his company where he sees a pharmacist and a nutritionist, as well as his GP regularly. The medical condition that they are watching has actually been doing so well that they somewhat recently halved one of his major medications and completely took him off another. If he were to ask about this (and I *can* strong-arm him into a medical appointment, lol), what would he want looked at? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 What would they need to look at? He is on a program through his company where he sees a pharmacist and a nutritionist, as well as his GP regularly. The medical condition that they are watching has actually been doing so well that they somewhat recently halved one of his major medications and completely took him off another. If he were to ask about this (and I *can* strong-arm him into a medical appointment, lol), what would he want looked at? It's not a blood test. Usually GPs have their own screening for depression and will prescribe meds but aren't experts. Just as a personal example, my old ob/gyn prescribed 6 mos of antidepressants but wouldn't refill after that and referred out to a psychiatrist. My GP didn't have that rule and would rx first line meds in low doses indefinitely. Depends on the doc and the situation! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 It's not a blood test. Usually GPs have their own screening for depression and will prescribe meds but aren't experts. Just as a personal example, my old ob/gyn prescribed 6 mos of antidepressants but wouldn't refill after that and referred out to a psychiatrist. My GP didn't have that rule and would rx first line meds in low doses indefinitely. Depends on the doc and the situation! Because he has some other medical things going on, do you think his GP would be comfortable even prescribing a low dose of something? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurel Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Because he has some other medical things going on, do you think his GP would be comfortable even prescribing a low dose of something? He may, it's worth a try if you'd like to pursue meds. If he is, I would certainly question him about possible interactions AND talk with the pharmacist about it. I will say that meds have made a WORLD of difference for dp. They allow his brain to process things, so he can then react appropriately. (So a glass breaking, for example, is not the end of the world, and it is not the house out to get him, just clean it up and move on.) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted January 14, 2016 Share Posted January 14, 2016 Because he has some other medical things going on, do you think his GP would be comfortable even prescribing a low dose of something? It really depends on what his other issues are. If the meds potentially interfere with each other and will require a delicate balance, then likely not. If this amped up after he stopped the other medications, you may want to check if that's a side effect. I've been surprised by doctors who didn't taper meds that should be tapered and told people to stop them without any guidance. Or if the temperament changes can be attributed to something medical... (Depression and thyroid are often tied, for example.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AimeeM Posted January 14, 2016 Author Share Posted January 14, 2016 It really depends on what his other issues are. If the meds potentially interfere with each other and will require a delicate balance, then likely not. If this amped up after he stopped the other medications, you may want to check if that's a side effect. I've been surprised by doctors who didn't taper meds that should be tapered and told people to stop them without any guidance. Or if the temperament changes can be attributed to something medical... (Depression and thyroid are often tied, for example.) I didn't consider that his medication adjustments may be part of the problem. Now that you mention it, when his diabetes started getting better, and the doctors started taking him off meds, and halving others, is right around the same time his father started declining and his moods started changing. I wonder if his diabetes isn't doing as well as the blood tests seem to indicate and if, perhaps, he was taken off the meds prematurely. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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