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Kinsa

UPDATED -- *sigh* I have to write a very difficult email to my father.

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Yes, yes. I *should* call and talk to him, but I'm chicken. He's a very authoritarian type of father, and I just can't do it over the phone. So I decided to write an email. I basically have to tell him that he's being an ass and he needs to knock it off. Oy vey. I really don't want to do this, but if I don't then there could very well possibly be a permanently irreparable rift between him and my sister. (And no, sister can't be the one to do it because she doesn't know about the stupid thing he's about to do to her.)

 

Oh my. Please pray, send good vibes, or whatever it is that you do. I really don't want to do this, but I can't sit by and watch it all unfold without trying to do something about it. I've put it off for about as long as I can. I just have to pull myself up by my bootstraps and do it.

 

Why does family have to make my life so difficult???

 

*************

 

Update:

 

First of all, I just want to say that I'm blown away by how many people responded to my whiny post! Thank you for the support!

 

I finally got an email response from my father. I was unable to persuade him to change his mind, so things are going to proceed as he planned. Which means, soon my sister will find out, and she will be heartbroken and mad at him. They've never had a great relationship, so I'm pretty sure this will push her further away. I wouldn't be surprised if it becomes the final nail in the coffin of their relationship.

 

I did respond to my dad, told him I was sorry to hear of his decision, and encouraged him to contact my sister soon and tell her himself. I think he will do that. I'm staying out of it. No one in the family knows that I know anything about it, so I'm going to feign ignorance and be an emotional support to my sister when it all blows up. I know it might seem unfair for me not to warn her, but you'll just have to trust me on this, that it's completely between them and it's not my place to speak for my father in this instance.

 

So I'm sad that I wasn't able to persuade him, but I'm relieved that he took my email in good spirits and isn't holding anything against me

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You are in a very difficult place and I will pray for you. I am sorry you have to deal with difficult parent, its just so hard. Can you warn your sister?

blessings,

Sharon

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First draft written.  I sent it to my dh for proofreading.  I hope to get the final draft sent this evening.  Ay yi yi.

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You are in a very difficult place and I will pray for you. I am sorry you have to deal with difficult parent, its just so hard. Can you warn your sister?

blessings,

Sharon

 

I can't warn her.  She knows nothing about it.  If he does what he wants to do, then she will undoubtedly find out and it will crush her.  If I can persuade him to change his mind and NOT do what he's about to do, then I could prevent the whole thing and she would be none the wiser, which would be best.

 

I'm literally sick to my stomach over this.

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Praying that the right words will come out in your writing, and that he will be miraculously receptive.  I'm sorry you are in this situation.  Good for you sticking up for your sister!

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Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh.... I just hit the send button.

 

Ohmygosh, ohmygosh, ohmygosh....

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think I'm going to go throw up now.

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You will live. You are an adult. He has no power over you. He can be disgruntled or outright mad but you did what you felt was necessary and right. :thumbup1:

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:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug: I hope he's able to read it with the the love of a father.  

 

It's not always never easy following your heart when you know whats on the line, but I believe doing the thing you know to be the right thing is the right thing to do.

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Thanks, everyone. I just want my family to be happy and not be.... dumb. (LOL)

 

Well, the horse is out of the starting gate; there's no turning back now. Now I just wait and hope for the best.

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You will live. You are an adult. He has no power over you. He can be disgruntled or outright mad but you did what you felt was necessary and right. :thumbup1:

 

Yes, this. And  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I get it. I'm sorry. Just reading your posts make my stomach jump for you.

 

If you aren't able to warn your sister, and he does it anyway, will she be upset with you because you knew and didn't tell her?

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:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I get it. I'm sorry. Just reading your posts make my stomach jump for you.

 

If you aren't able to warn your sister, and he does it anyway, will she be upset with you because you knew and didn't tell her?

 

No, she doesn't know that I know anything about this.  And I doubt she ever will.

 

I'm mentally and emotionally weary. 

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:grouphug:  My dad does some pretty mean stuff but none of us sisters has ever stood up to him (kind of like 'he's an adult and I can't make him behave' so instead we just limit contact). So I think you are super brave and loyal to your sister.   I hope it all works out for you.  Kudos and hugs- I admire you for hitting 'send'. 

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I hope he listens and takes your advice. If he doesn't, though, remember - his actions aren't your responsibility. If he disregards what you say and screws things up, it's not because you have failed as a daughter and a sister.

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I'm praying for peace for you.  You did what you know to be right and now the ball is in his court.  Your conscience is clear, please sleep well.

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I can't warn her. She knows nothing about it. If he does what he wants to do, then she will undoubtedly find out and it will crush her. If I can persuade him to change his mind and NOT do what he's about to do, then I could prevent the whole thing and she would be none the wiser, which would be best.

 

I'm literally sick to my stomach over this.

How will she feel if she learns you knew but didn't warn her? Will that matter?

 

Oh, I see someone already asked.

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:grouphug:   Hoping that your words come out the way that is needed.  Good for you for trying, whatever the outcome.  This must be so difficult. 

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Sometimes standing up to people like that actually shocks them into being reasonable. It has worked with my mom, and I hope it works with your dad.

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I am extremely conflict averse and had to stand up to my father recently. I have a strict mind my own business policy in my life, but at some point I couldn't not say something. I firmly told my father that I thought his actions were nothing but harmful and a bit unhinged and for the sake of the family, he needed to stop. He wrote back agreeing. I was rather stunned that poking my nose into someone else's business worked out so well.

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I hope your father receives your email in the helpful spirit in which it was intended, but even if he doesn't, it sounds like you did the right thing. :grouphug:

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I wish I could stand up to people.  I'm a wimp. 

 

I really hope this works out well for you. 

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Wish you the best with this! Sorry you have to deal with it and find yourself in the middle. It's not always easy to do the right thing, and it sounds like you did...even if it was hard. I hope your message makes him reconsider and not hurt your sister.

ETA: I feel this was the best way for you to handle it. Had you called him it could have become a huge argument before you even got your point across. I think certain situations are better handled in writing. Gives the other person a chance to read, and maybe think about something before reacting. Handling it over the phone could have been a big huge mess. Will pray for you!

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I'm so sorry, Kinsa!  I empathize -- similar situations with "the older generation" in my family.  I'm praying for your family, especially for you and for your Dad, that he'll hear wisdom.

 

 

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Setting boundaries are hard. I've been there. 

 

But good that you can do that. Not setting boundaries isn't good for you and your family.

 

:grouphug:

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Any updates, Karen?

 

I hope everything worked out okay. :grouphug:

 

No response.  I'm 99.99% sure he'd have read it by now.

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No response. I'm 99.99% sure he'd have read it by now.

Give it a little time. His first response might not be his best. KWIM? Time might be on your side here.

 

Hard stuff.

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