WWYD - daughter doesn't want to go to a party because of a particular kid

[HappyLady]

We were invited to a New Year's Eve party and accepted. There will be some of my kids' homeschooling friends there. We've been to two other parties at the host's house and both times, there was a kid there (not a homeschooler and not friends with any of the kids there besides the host's children) who was very mean. I mean, we almost left the last party because of this kid and the way he was bullying the other kids (the bully's mom never once corrected him, even though she witnessed most of it).

 

My daughter (7) just came to me and reluctantly told me she didn't want to go to the party because of this bully. I don't want to force her to go, but I don't know how to handle backing out of the party with the host. I don't think it's my place to tell her we don't want to come because of one particular child, but I also don't want her to think we just decided not to come.

 

But should I make my DD go? I know avoiding bullies is almost impossible, but it's also part of the reason we homeschool.  :)

 

WWYD?

[HomeAgain]

I would brainstorm options with dd.  Help her understand how to assert herself, what you will be doing to back her up, and what her personal limit is.  Give her tools, and then let her decide after if this is worth the opportunity to put those skills into practice.  If not, call the host and gently explain that dd is not feeling up to a party tonight, but thank you very much for the invitation. :)

[kroe1]

I do not make my young children confront bullies. Let her stay home with a sitter or all of you stay home. I would not hesitate to tell the host why. If you were the host, would you want to know?

 

I hope it works out for you.

Edited December 31, 2015 by Minniewannabe

[zoobie]

I would go in case the child isn't there, but I'd shadow my child and not hesitate to intervene on her behalf. Or keep the child with me and bring a book or something for her to occupy herself. If I had an option that would be fun for her--staying with grandparents or something, I'd drop her off there and go on to the party myself.

[Aiden]

If the bully's mom witnessed the past behavior, then I assume that means the kids will be with the adults. In that situation, I'd tell my kid not to worry about the bully because I would be there to deal with it. And I would deal with it. I wouldn't be mean or bully the bully, but I'd point out his bad behavior and tell him that it's unacceptable. (It would be easier if I were the hostess ... It's easy enough to say that we don't behave that way in this house so if he's going to keep doing that, he'll need to go home. It's harder when all you can say is that we don't allow people to treat my child that way so if you continue, we'll go home.) If we got there and the kid is so far off the rails that I couldn't deal with it, and the mom refused to, then I'd tell the host that I'm sorry but I can't in good conscience allow my kid to be bullied, so we're leaving. Thanks for the invitation and the food and the good time, but good night.

[amy g.]

I'd make up an excuse to stay home and leave it at that.

[Farrar]

I don't think bringing her to the party means she has to confront the bully. You don't know for sure the bully will even be there. And unlike more serious bullying situations, this other kid has zero contact with her outside of this very occasional context - he's not a kid in a school or co-op class she's in or a neighborhood or church kid she'll likely see often who might continue to torment her.

 

I would brainstorm how to deal with the kid and then, as others suggested, be proactive while you're there and bring her a special bag of stuff she can do apart from the other kids if she wants.

 

Regardless of if you go or not, I'd be honest but gentle about it to the host. Another kid was mean to your dd at their house previously and she's upset about it and none of you want to have a repeat so that's why you left her behind/couldn't come/have allowed her to play on your phone with headphones in the middle of a party. You know it's not the host's fault or anything and you're just trying to take the easiest path for everyone while keeping your dd safe and happy.

Edited December 31, 2015 by Farrar

[marbel]

Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm not sure it's not your place to tell the host that your daughter doesn't want to come because of the one guest.  I guess it depends on how close you are to the host.    I could imagine saying "Hi, we were looking forward to the party tonight but DD is really dreading it because Kid X is going to be there. Remember that time he....?  So, I'm sorry but I think we're going to stay home.  Maybe we can get our families together [suggest a specific event/date/time]."   If you were bringing food, offer to drop it off so you don't leave them short. 

 

I know it might not be appropriate for all relationships.  But if the kid is really a problem, I wouldn't want to go either.  Who wants to spend the evening policing the kids?

[SparklyUnicorn]

Nope, I would not go.  Call up and cancel with some lame excuse like you are sick or something.

 

Or be brutally honest.

 

 

[Alexigail]

I wouldn't make her go, and I would probably just tell the person why.  It's up to them how they respond to it, but I'm not going to bring my child somewhere they don't feel safe. 

[Heatherwith4]

If I was the hostess, I would really want to know the truth.

[lynn]

I would ask is bully will be there and if asked why I would be honest.

[kewb]

I would ask is bully will be there and if asked why I would be honest.

I agree. This is what I would do.

[foxbridgeacademy]

I wouldn't make her go and I would definitely inform host as to why.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I was in a similar situation before.  Except this was a homeschooling group.  Nobody said anything for so long that by the time they did there was a major blow up situation.  The group dissolved as a result.  I wish I could have done something sooner, but really to this day I don't know what.  Just saying if this group means something to you, you may want to say something sooner rather than later.

 

 

[dirty ethel rackham]

I do not make my young children confront bullies. Let her stay home with a sitter or all of you stay home. I would not hesitate to tell the host why. If you were the host, would you want to know?

 

I hope it works out for you.

:iagree:

 

Many times as a child, I was forced to go to social events where my nemesis (the bully who made my life a living hell for 6 years) would be.  One was a weekend at their family cabin on a lake (no place to escape.)  I begged not to go and my fears/wishes were never honored as far as this was concerned.  My parents never got it that it was a big deal to me (not even after the bedwetting resurfaced.)  I still get anxious remembering these events.

[My4arrows]

I wouldn't make her go. She came to you with a legitimate reason for no wanting to go. I wouldn't make my child be in a situation she felt uncomfortable in when a concern was voiced to me. Id want my child to know that I care for them and respect their feelings in this situation. I'd also talk to the host telling them why if it was someone I was close enough to, but as a pp said, before cancelling altogether ask if the bully would be the so you do t all miss out if not.

[Catwoman]

I would ask is bully will be there and if asked why I would be honest.

:iagree:

 

It seems like the simplest and most honest solution. That's what I would do, unless I didn't really care about going to the party anyway, in which case I would simply make up an excuse and leave it at that.

[Haiku]

I would tell the host exactly why you aren't coming. Don't protect a bully.

[Word Nerd]

I absolutely would not force her to go. It's just a party. Why is it so critical for her to attend? I would help her come up with some strategies for staying away from the bully and dealing with any meanness if she really wants to go. 

Edited December 31, 2015 by Word Nerd

[J-rap]

New Year's Eve for us is a family event, so if my dd was anxious about the event and not looking forward to it at all, we probably wouldn't go.  We'd stay home and play games or watch a movie or something.  But I can see your point, since you have already RSVP'd.  I'd either arrange a babysitter for your daughter, or bring her but promise that you'll be there with her the whole time if need be (and won't force her to go off and play with the other kids if the bully is there), or just be honest with the host (depending on how close you are) and call her and tell her your dilemma.  

[mathnerd]

I will let my child stay home with someone else (dad or sitter) and take the rest of the family to the party. I think that you told the hostess that you would show up for the party and hence need to keep your word to her. But, it is OK if you left your daughter home and that would solve the problem without telling the hostess that there was someone else at the party that you do not like or is a bully etc. Personally, I could never call a hostess and say things like that - I would rather find a work around and then totally avoid all parties where the bully might be present.

[KungFuPanda]

Do not make her go if you are not prepared to confront the bully in front of his mother. If SHE won't correct him, then it's on you to protect your daughter. If nobody says anything the kid has no reason to stop or even believe he's out of line. You also have to be prepared to leave the party if the bully doesn't back down after you speak to him. If you're too socially awkward to assert yourself with this child it would be better to stay home.

[Χά�ων]

BTDT

 

I respected my child and did not go. Whenever something came up where we were planning to go before and I found out that child was, I sat down with him and we talked it out. I left it up to him.

 

You do not owe the host any explanation. If you want to bringnit to their attention do so after the party.

[Carol in Cal.]

My view is that since you already RSVPed it is too late to allow her not to go or to fail to show up.

 

She is too young to stay home by herself.

 

So I would say that you should promise her to take care of her and to utterly prevent this bully from hurting her, and then do so.

[dirty ethel rackham]

My view is that since you already RSVPed it is too late to allow her not to go or to fail to show up.

 

She is too young to stay home by herself.

 

So I would say that you should promise her to take care of her and to utterly prevent this bully from hurting her, and then do so.

Unfortunately, this is unrealistic.  Unless you plan to be permanently attached to your child's side (which has social implications in and of itself), the bully will find a way to have their fun, just out of earshot of the adults.  BTDT.  An RSVP of a yes is not a promise set in stone with the promise of one's first-born child.  This would be a reasonable reason to cancel. 

[Bootsie]

Some would depend on exactly what the bully's behavior was.  Is it mean and uncomfortable to be around?  Is someone at risk of being physically harmed?  Is there a significant age difference among the children?  

 

Unless the behavior is extreme, I would lean toward going and teaching my child not to let one person's bad behavior have me miss out on having a good time with my friends; to me that is giving power to the bully.  It would also depend upon how much the parents are going to be with the children; if it is a situation that I thought I could monitor closely, I would probably go with my child, with the understanding that if the behavior of someone else at the party was out of hand we would leave the party.

 

I might consider if there are a lot of children that know each other and then one family that is an outsider, is some of the disturbing behavior being motivated by the child feeling left out of the rest of the group?  

 

On another note, my mother was talking earlier today about a kid was just mean--a real bully--when they were kids.  Now, they are very close friends.

[Annie G]

I'd probably feel bad that I had witnessed the kid being a snot and not stepped in to stop it.  So I might ask dd if she'd give me a chance to show her I wasn't going to let another kid ruin a party for her.  No, I couldn't prevent the kid from being a snot but if dd came to me when something happened, I could confront the kid and parent and at least show my kid I have her back. 

 

But if dd really doesn't want to go, I wouldn't make her.  It might be she wants to go but is hesitant. Or it might be she's done with the kid.  I just hate to let a bully keep a good kid from having a good time.  So I guess I'd have to ask dd if she told me because she really doesn't want to go or if she wants to go but needs help if something happens. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Unfortunately, this is unrealistic.  Unless you plan to be permanently attached to your child's side

That is exactly the commitment that is called for here.

I've done it, and I'd do it again.

It doesn't require being joined at the hip, but it does require being in earshot and visibly present at all times.  It's a sacrifice but it's the right thing to do in this situation.

[HS Mom in NC]

I would go and I would be prepared to confront the bully's parent who is ultimately responsible for all this mess.  I would have an eagle eye out and as soon as bully started up I would take the bully to the bully's mom and say in a matter of fact tone, "Your child just tried to_____________________________. " If the parent didn't immediately react with embarrassment and correct the child by removing the kid from the others and making bully sit next to her or take bully home then I would be prepared to follow up with, "So what are you going to do about it?" If the answer was a lame excuse or the equivalent of saying, "nothing" then I would say, "That's not appropriate. You need to do something about it. " If the parent claimed there was nothing they could possibly do then I would say, "Would you like some suggestions?" If the answer was yes I would say the child should be told directly that the behavior was wrong and what the correct behavior should've been.  Then the child should stay next to mom for the rest of the party or the parent should take the child home. 

If the mother insisted that there was nothing wrong with the behavior I would simply explain that the behavior was, in fact, wrong and how no one should have to silently accept that kind of treatment from anyone. If it happens, they should set and enforce an appropriate boundary. Since the child is too young to that for herself, I'm going to do that for her. I would keep the tone matter of fact like I was explaining how the sun rotates around the earth.

Yes, the parent is very likely to get upset because the parent has witnessed the behavior before and didn't seem at all bothered by it.  Ignoring it, avoiding it, minimizing it, etc. will only keep things as they are now.  Giving honest, morally correct feedback that matches the situation is the only thing that has a chance of changing it. Also, if you want your child to learn how to confront people, you'll have to show them by example in situations likes this where it's appropriate.

[Catwoman]

Hoping for an update. :)

 

What did you decide to do, HappyLady?

[marbel]

That is exactly the commitment that is called for here.

I've done it, and I'd do it again.

It doesn't require being joined at the hip, but it does require being in earshot and visibly present at all times.  It's a sacrifice but it's the right thing to do in this situation.

 

I'm picturing different possibilities here.  I'm picturing kids in another room, or outside (depending on weather) or otherwise not in the presence of the adults.  (This is how most social events worked out when my kids were younger; rarely were adults and kids in the same room talking/playing/whatever together.)  So it's quite possible that the OP would have to be right with her child, which could make OP's daughter look to the other kids like a baby.  (I'm not saying she is a baby; I'm saying that's what it could look like to the other kids, particularly to the bully.)  As DER said, that has social implications for the child too.  It's not necessarily just a sacrifice on the parent's part.   It's not great for the child who is the only one with a parent in the room.

 

Obviously I don't know how the setup will be at the party OP's invited to.  But since it is not the OP's party she has zero control over the logistics and plans, so she can't know in advance if she will be in earshot and visible to the kids at all times.  

 

[zoobie]

That is exactly the commitment that is called for here.

I've done it, and I'd do it again.

It doesn't require being joined at the hip, but it does require being in earshot and visibly present at all times. It's a sacrifice but it's the right thing to do in this situation.

I agree. It's one party (that the problematic guest might not be attending) with one child. If the problematic guest had assaulted the OP's child in some manner, of course not. But from OP's description, whatever the kid was doing didn't rise to the level of her feeling the need to intervene at the previous gathering. Is it an intense kid with boundary issues? It doesn't sound like a dangerous bully who's either trying to assault the other guests or conduct psychological warfare.

 

I have a DD who tends to overreact to "wrongs." Sometimes she's spot on (weird boy who bit through her sweatshirt in primary), but sometimes it's perfectly normal, albeit rambunctious kid behavior. She would get worked up over things not worthy of adult intervention. For a year, I knew I needed to shadow her to either watch for the weird kid or tell her to get over it and move on. (She chose to attend class parties knowing that boy would be there and his parents were clueless.)

[AimeeM]

I wouldn't have accepted the invitation if I found out that this child was going to be in attendance.

It's one thing to occasionally encounter a not-so-nice person during the course of your day, or week, or year - it's another thing to expect children to deal with it knowing it's going to happen, nothing can be done about it, and on a holiday.

[Carol in Cal.]

  But since it is not the OP's party she has zero control over the logistics and plans, so she can't know in advance if she will be in earshot and visible to the kids at all times.  

 

She can decide to be, and she should.  If she handles it skillfully there won't be any downside to her child.

[zoobie]

She can decide to be, and she should. If she handles it skillfully there won't be any downside to her child.

Plus the child is 7! Just say DD needs some TLC today and stick close if asked. It's not tagging along to a college soirée.

[Tammyla]

:iagree: Don't protect the bully, just be honest with the host if you decide to stay home or even if you go and there is a incident.

[dirty ethel rackham]

 She would get worked up over things not worthy of adult intervention. For a year, I knew I needed to shadow her to either watch for the weird kid or tell her to get over it and move on. (She chose to attend class parties knowing that boy would be there and his parents were clueless.)

And this is the kind of minimizing I had to deal with from the adults in my life who simply didn't believe that how bad things were.  They never saw the worst of it because the bullies would always make it look like innocuous teasing whenever adults were in earshot. My parents always told me that I was making a big deal out of nothing, that I was making mountains out of molehills.  For decades, my parents believed I was just a crybaby because I learned not to turn to them anymore ... that I couldn't trust the adults in my life.  The thing is, it was a mountain to me.  I think the feelings of children should be respected.  There are times when you have little choice about dealing with bullies and that's when you work on preparing them to defend themselves.  Making them attend optional social functions they don't want to attend to save face for the adults serves no purpose.

[AimeeM]

Can I say that my DD has been *that* kid before?

 

In 4th grade she made friends with another child who was a bully. The other kids made fun of DD, so DD decided to fall in with the class bully instead. DD started bullying the other children.

Once, DD was invited to a birthday party - but then I received a call "uninviting" us. Apparently the birthday mom had gotten wind of that some of the other children didn't want DD around because DD was mean. I had no clue that any bullying was going on, on DD's end, until that point. Maybe this mom doesn't realize how her child is affecting the others, even though she is there and "sees" it. If nobody says anything, she may be none the wiser. 

Please DO tell the host why you aren't coming, if you decide not to.

If you DO go, please DO say something to the bully's mom the minute your daughter is made to feel upset or uncomfortable by something her child does.

You would think that it's obvious to a parent that their child is being mean, but it isn't always. I can say that DD never said anything mean to the other children in front of me, because the bullying happened during the school day, or else I would have corrected it, but it's also possible that this mom (even in the thick of it) just assumes that the children are playing on some level. 

Speak up. I've been on the bullied-kid's side and the kid-who-is-a-bully side, and never have I regretted somebody speaking up TO me, or speaking up TO another parent. In all situations we were able to resolve the situation amicably.

[Tess in the Burbs]

I would ask host if this kid is coming. I would perhaps show up for 45 min and let my kid stay by me. And if asked I would tell the host that kid has been an issue in the past and you are going to be leaving soon b/c of their presence.

[zoobie]

And this is the kind of minimizing I had to deal with from the adults in my life who simply didn't believe that how bad things were. They never saw the worst of it because the bullies would always make it look like innocuous teasing whenever adults were in earshot. My parents always told me that I was making a big deal out of nothing, that I was making mountains out of molehills. For decades, my parents believed I was just a crybaby because I learned not to turn to them anymore ... that I couldn't trust the adults in my life. The thing is, it was a mountain to me. I think the feelings of children should be respected. There are times when you have little choice about dealing with bullies and that's when you work on preparing them to defend themselves. Making them attend optional social functions they don't want to attend to save face for the adults serves no purpose.

I do respect my child's feelings. She would get very worked up over typical kid behavior. Someone jumped the line. Someone didn't follow the made up game's rule's to the letter. Someone picked someone else to play the coveted role in the made up play. These are not issues I am going to step in and correct another child over. She needed to learn to let it go. When she complained about the kid biting her shirt, I took it very seriously and immediately called the teacher who also took it seriously. This boy was not a "bully." He had some kind of something going on, and his parents let him run amok at parties. My daughter still wanted to attend the parties, so we did. I shadowed her and made sure she was safe. I did not intervene over every tiny thing she got upset over. Have there been actual bullies in her life? Yes, and I intervened. I pulled her from Girl Scouts and kept on the school (different classroom and teachers) to act and ultimately left the school.

 

OP here didn't intervene at the last gathering despite observing the behavior directly (from what it seems in the brief description). In my mind, that means it's not something horrific or she would've stepped in and at least gathered her daughter and departed. She doesn't sound like she'd leave her child in an unsafe situation.

[HappyLady]

Hoping for an update. :)

 

What did you decide to do, HappyLady?

 

We didn't go.  :)

[Catwoman]

We didn't go. :)

:hurray:

 

Have a fun and bully-free New Year's Eve! :party: