elegantlion Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 I'M GOING TO DELETE THIS IN A FEW DAYS, PLEASE DON'T QUOTE! I need to brainstorm through a process and need some starting points or aspects to ponder. Exdh recently found out he has a tumor on his kidney. He may have other issues with possible spreading but won't have a diagnosis of malignancy or not for a few more weeks. He is, of course, freaking out. He lives in the town where I attend college (30 minutes away) and rents a room in a house so he's around people, but no other family nearby. But, as devastated as I am for him, I cannot be his emotional support for a number of reasons including my own emotional well-being. Some of you know the backstory, some of you know I am a long-term cancer survivor and he was there for me then- we were newly married. I do not want to be made to feel guilty because I need to maintain some distance here. Ds and I both have a busy school semester starting in a few weeks, my dad just passed away in November (I have months of work with my mom on helping her getting physical things in order), and I was diagnosed with gallstones (not a huge deal in the scheme of things, but I'm trying to change my diet and I'm an emotional eater). Ex can be passive aggressive and self-centered, not quite edging into narcissism. This is certainly a time for him to put himself first, but I cannot be there. He has NOT asked yet. Ds is stoic about everything, seriously. He says not to worry about things I can't do anything about, so he's not worrying yet. So how do you support your ex without falling into the old habits? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 I think you support your son more in how he's going to handle this both in allowing and encouraging access to his dad as well as helping him deal with things emotionally once numbness wears off. 16 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Focus on supporting your son through it. The only thing you need to do is be there for your son. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 I'd focus on supporting your son as well. I'd tape your post to your bathroom mirror to re-read on the days when you feel your ex trying to suck you back in to old patterns. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 31, 2015 Author Share Posted December 31, 2015 I think you support your son more in how he's going to handle this both in allowing and encouraging access to his dad as well as helping him deal with things emotionally once numbness wears off. But ds really is just logical and non-emotional about everything. I think part of that is personality, part is that both ex and I are very emotional in different ways, and he really does respond differently. Ds very openly discusses issues and has adopted a very stoic outlook on life (and death) in general. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 But ds really is just logical and non-emotional about everything. I think part of that is personality, part is that both ex and I are very emotional in different ways, and he really does respond differently. Ds very openly discusses issues and has adopted a very stoic outlook on life (and death) in general. Does he want to see his dad? Does he want to be there for doctor appointments or to help out his dad in any way? If he does, I would encourage that. He doesn't have to be feeling angst while helping out. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Storygirl Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Can you talk to him about this at all? Perhaps you can say something like, "I know most of your family is far away, and this may be a hard time for you. It might be helpful for you to find some kind of support group to go to. I know son wants to be there for you, but since he's young and has school obligations, you might need to make sure you have some other kind of help." Without coming out and saying it, this kind of comment might make it clear that you care but can't be too involved yourself. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aiden Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 If you feel the need to support your ex but can't do it directly right now, point him toward someone who can do it directly--another survivor to whom you think he'll be able to relate (after discussing it with the other person first, of course), a support group of some kind, a pastor or therapist or someone else who does this kind of thing professionally. Go ahead and have someone in mind now, so that if and when your ex does ask, you can refer him to someone immediately. If you feel yourself being sucked in, get help for yourself--a counselor if you already have one, someone from student services at your college, whoever helped you emotionally through the divorce. For your son, you certainly know him better than any of us. He may really be as stoic as he appears, but it's also possible that, in the face of your and your ex's emotionality, he adopted stoicism as a facade to suppress his own negative emotions. (I have tended to do that, so I often wonder if others are doing it too.) It's possible that he's feeling things deeply and refusing to acknowledge those feelings. Just be on the lookout for signs that he's not handling it all as well as it seems. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 31, 2015 Author Share Posted December 31, 2015 Does he want to see his dad? Does he want to be there for doctor appointments or to help out his dad in any way? If he does, I would encourage that. He doesn't have to be feeling angst while helping out. He just saw him last week, so they see other and talk on a regular basis. I don't think he wants to be there for appointments, but I will ask. That's a good question. Can you talk to him about this at all? Perhaps you can say something like, "I know most of your family is far away, and this may be a hard time for you. It might be helpful for you to find some kind of support group to go to. I know son wants to be there for you, but since he's young and has school obligations, you might need to make sure you have some other kind of help." Without coming out and saying it, this kind of comment might make it clear that you care but can't be too involved yourself. Honestly, no, I couldn't. He would twist it and take it as I was being unsupportive. With him, it's better to avoid and deflect, if that makes any sense. There are a host of reasons why I couldn't. If you feel the need to support your ex but can't do it directly right now, point him toward someone who can do it directly--another survivor to whom you think he'll be able to relate (after discussing it with the other person first, of course), a support group of some kind, a pastor or therapist or someone else who does this kind of thing professionally. Go ahead and have someone in mind now, so that if and when your ex does ask, you can refer him to someone immediately. If you feel yourself being sucked in, get help for yourself--a counselor if you already have one, someone from student services at your college, whoever helped you emotionally through the divorce. For your son, you certainly know him better than any of us. He may really be as stoic as he appears, but it's also possible that, in the face of your and your ex's emotionality, he adopted stoicism as a facade to suppress his own negative emotions. (I have tended to do that, so I often wonder if others are doing it too.) It's possible that he's feeling things deeply and refusing to acknowledge those feelings. Just be on the lookout for signs that he's not handling it all as well as it seems. Ex is involved in some group therapy, so that might be helpful. I know no one in that town when it comes to medical support, all my treatment was in a different city. Ds really is that stoic - this is a long-term thing - like since he was little. We had a thread about logical/stoic children a few years ago and several posters noted they were that way as children and turned out okay, so I'm not worried about him repressing anything. I do worry that this on top of my dad's death could create some angst he's not used to. We're going on a long car ride today, so I'll have the chance to discuss it with him. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 Does your exh have any siblings? if so, they are the ones that need to step up. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
applethyme Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 I would not be able to support my ex in that situation. The only thing I will do for my ex-h is to do things specifically and directly for our children, and also, because his parents have never treated me with anything but love and respect, his parents, if I deal directly with them. Ex-h is military so this does make me feel like a cad, but unfortunately he makes it impossible to support him without being abused. Obviously. Otherwise we'd be married right now. I do feel for you. When ex-h did face a family tragedy it was super hard for me to not be a helper / supporter because I know he's alone. But he would hurt me and use the kids to do it. Ultimately I am glad that I simply said, "I am very sorry," and moved forward. It is tempting to want to help them because "you're all they have" but I tried to remember that actually, ex-h could have had me, but he doesn't, because he left, and he could have family, but he doesn't, because nobody who is capable of dealing with this level of human drama will stay there that long and that's not my fault, it's his fault. I would focus on your son at this time. Hugs. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matryoshka Posted December 31, 2015 Share Posted December 31, 2015 To not answer directly... My dad had kidney cancer - they found it on Monday, he had his kidney out Wednesday, it hadn't spread, and that was it. I barely had time to form an emotional response... hoping it goes as well for your ex-dh 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sassenach Posted January 1, 2016 Share Posted January 1, 2016 To not answer directly... My dad had kidney cancer - they found it on Monday, he had his kidney out Wednesday, it hadn't spread, and that was it. I barely had time to form an emotional response... hoping it goes as well for your ex-dh This is exactly what happened with DH's dad, only we didn't know he even had cancer till the surgery was done and declared the only needed treatment. It hardly registered as that dreaded cancer dx. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted January 1, 2016 Author Share Posted January 1, 2016 I hope for ex's sake it's a quick removal. Ds and I had a good chat yesterday, and he's all good for now. He has siblings, but they have busy lives and live far away. His mom might come when he has surgery, I don't know. I know she is supportive, but she has her own boundaries with him too. Thanks for the all the input, lots yet to ponder. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mominco Posted January 2, 2016 Share Posted January 2, 2016 Nothing to add but (((hugs))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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