What Consequence for This Behavior?

[Reefgazer]

Would you give a consequence for this behavior? If so, what would it be? Here's the incident during an early Christmas gift opening event:

 

DS is a typical a 11 year old boy-asks for camping equipment, video games, sporting goods, etc... for Christmas. I got him a shirt I saw that I thought would look nice on him, but he decided he didn't want clothes and tossed it aside with a comment of "Ugh, clothes", and went on to the next gift. He did not say thank you for the gift. He got mostly things he asked for/liked, except for the shirt. He doesn't dislike the shirt, but dislikes that he got clothing as a gift. He knows this behavior is wrong, because he would never act like that to other people outside of us, his immediate family, but he wasnt shy about being rude his dad and I about it.

 

Do I let this pass as eleven year old boy crap, or dole out a lesson for that behavior?

 

ETA: He gave me his Christmas list and added "No clothes!" to the bottom of the list. I bought many things off the list, but did buy the shirt because I thought he would look good in it. Don't know if this changes the picture or not.

Edited December 24, 2015 by reefgazer

[Guest]

If it is rare for him to be rude I'd take him aside and discuss it with him (that his behavior is rude and ungracious) even for an item he doesn't want as a gift.

 

If this is more of a pattern or longstanding thing I'd make harsher consequences. He is old enough to be able to control his reactions even when he isn't happy if he is neurotypical. But just an isolating thing? I'd stop, walk over or make eye contact with him, and explain that was completely uncalled for, then model the correct response. If he gave more attitude then would deal with it.

 

Sometimes things slip out when we are disappointed, which might bear noting. But if it is a habit? Slightly different situation. Eleven is a tough age for impulse control.

Edited December 24, 2015 by Arctic Mama

[SKL]

I remember my kid brother doing exactly the same thing.  It was a family joke.  "Pants - disgusting."  "Socks - sickening."  Remember the movie The Christmas Story?  Those boys did the same thing.

 

I think it is OK with just parents.  If he did it to anyone else, I'd freak.  :P

 

Be merry!

[Rosie_0801]

"Well if you're going to be rude, you can clean up all the wrapping paper."

[PeacefulChaos]

I'd leave it alone.  

[Catwoman]

Let it go -- it's Christmas! :)

 

I don't expect my ds to thank me for each individual gift he opens, and he also has the right to say he doesn't like something.

 

I'm not one of those moms who demands gratefulness for every little thing, though. I would prefer my son to be honest with me rather than pretend to like something he doesn't want. (He knows that if he doesn't want a particular gift, he can return it and get something else instead.)

 

He would never tell someone other than me that he didn't like a gift, though!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Well, I see that as a normal sentiment for an 11 year old boy.  I wouldn't give him a consequence.  And my personal opinion is that clothes that are preferred by mom are not good gift material. 

[Reefgazer]

He isn't normally rude; he usually says thanks (unprompted) for a gift, even if I know he is disappointed.

Edited December 24, 2015 by reefgazer

[Guest]

He isn't normally rude; he usually says thanks (unprompted) for a gift, even if I know he is disappointed.

Then let it go, I agree. Asking for no clothes on his list could have been what prompted the reaction. It's still rude but if this was genuinely out of character it's probably not worth your energy to be bothered by!

[Reefgazer]

I guess I'll let it pass then. But I'll make him clean up the gift wrap; I liked that, lol!

Then let it go, I agree. Asking for no clothes on his list could have been what prompted the reaction. It's still rude but if this was genuinely out of character it's probably not worth your energy to be bothered by!

[Catwoman]

He isn't normally rude; he usually says thanks (unprompted) for a gift, even if I know he is disappointed.

In that case, I would absolutely let it go. :)

[foxbridgeacademy]

I rarely punish my kids, I can not remember the last time.... when they were little?  But man do I talk to them, a lot.  I'd probably take him aside later and tell him how I know he asked for no clothes but that doesn't mean he wasn't going to get any.  I'd tell him what I was thinking when I bought the shirt, how I thought about how good he'd look, how every time he wore it it would remind me of this Christmas and how much he's growing up.... I wouldn't mention that my feelings were hurt but I would ask him to try to show appreciation, if not for the actual gift then for the thought that went into it. I would probably yap for a good 5-10 minutes give big hugs then let it go.

 

* I have been told by an uncountable amount of people how polite and considerate my kids are, I always think "well yeah, they don't want to have to listen to another 'talk' :D ".

 

 

ETA: For clarification, the reason I wouldn't tell them that it hurt my feelings is probably because I'd cry a bit (I'm very sensitive) and I think they'd get it.  

 

Actually the more I think about this, and seriously I've been thinking about it a lot for some weird reason :confused1: .  The DC in question would probably get a "Hey" a few laughs and we'd move on.  If they made a fuss (which mine wouldn't) then I'd probably talk to them as I mentioned above.

 

By the way, DS who hates getting clothes is getting sleep pants, a long sleeve shirt and a sweatshirt this year. :lol: He'll be appreciative but not thrilled, until it starts to get cold in January.

Edited December 24, 2015 by foxbridgeacademy

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I would probably pull him aside and say that all gifts deserve a thanks and that he was acting spoiled to behave that way.  

 

But I also think you set him up a bit after he specifically requested no clothes.  If it was very important for you to give him this particular shirt, you could have presented it (unwrapped) and said, "I thought of you when I saw this and thought it'd be a great shirt for you to wear to Christmas dinner!"  

 

Sum total- Remind him of behavioral expectations, then let it go.  :-) 

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

He isn't normally rude; he usually says thanks (unprompted) for a gift, even if I know he is disappointed.

I'd let it go.

 

If you want, you can quietly teach how to respond to unwanted/disappointing gifts after the holidays.

[bettyandbob]

Let it go.

 

Do you want to cloud the rest of the holiday with this incident?

 

I hated getting clothes.

 

You didn't say he needed clothes. So, it doesn't fill a want or a need. It may end up being something he likes, because mom knows best.

[Zebra]

I would definitely let it go.

 

I think he's just 11, and expressing his opinion in a safe place. 

 

He was pretty clear about not wanting clothes and you gave him clothes anyway, so this seems like a completely expected outcome to me :lol: !  

[linders]

Eleven, only at home? I'd let it pass. And like a PP, it reminded me of Christmas Story :)

 

And be extraordinarily grateful that you do not have my DS15 whose goal is life is the ultimate wardrobe. He knows more about labels and designers than I ever have. He is getting Tommy Hilfiger sleep pants, Calvin Klein boxers, and Polo dress socks (thank you, TJ Maxx!!) and I know he is going to be overjoyed. With pajamas, underwear, and socks. Meanwhile, I long for the days where he wanted overpriced Lego sets.

[marbel]

I could see my son doing the same thing!  He has never understood the concept of clothing as a gift.  Clothes to him are a utility.  It would be like my husband giving me a bottle of dish detergent as a gift.  (Different for my daughter, who loves clothing and thinks it is a great gift.)

 

And, I don't know, I think when someone specifically requests not to receive something, it's a bit disrespectful to give it.  My MIL sends me clothing every year even though my husband and I have asked her repeatedly not to do it - the things never fit, are not to my taste, etc.  Yet she continues.  Even on the rare occasion that something works, it annoys me that she continues to do it when we've asked her not to.

 

He might change his mind when he is a young adult out on his own and has to buy his own clothing.  That can change one's perception of an appropriate gift, LOL.

 

Have a good Christmas!

 

 

Edited December 24, 2015 by marbel

[regentrude]

I would let it go.

Yes, it was rude - but I see his point. To most 11 y/o, clothes do not constitute a "real" present, it's something utilitarian parents provide anyway.

I would be hard pressed to react with joy and grace if I received household cleaning equipment or the like.

 

The fact that he specifically asked NOT to receive clothes and got this against his express wishes makes it even more understandable.

The only consequence this would have for me is that I would in the future not give him stuff he explicitly said he does not want.

Edited December 24, 2015 by regentrude

[Haiku]

I'd ignore it. My dd21 and I were shopping yesterday so she could get something for my son. She pointed out a shirt, and I said, "No. Twelve year old boys don't want clothes for Christmas." (Excpetion: mine likes getting NHL jerseys.) It's like the scene in A Christmas Story when Ralphie and Randy look disgusted and throw the socks over their shoulders.

 

Imo, you got your son something you liked and thought he needed, not something he would enjoy for Christmas. He even said "no clothes." It probably felt to him like you wasted one of his gifts, which could otherwise have been something he wanted. Yes, it was rude, but it's a small thing and I would let it go, especially since you say he wouldn't do it to other people. And don't buy him clothes as gifts until he's old enough to like getting them.

[Laura Corin]

I would let it go.

Yes, it was rude - but I see his point. To most 11 y/o, clothes do not constitute a "real" present, it's something utilitarian parents provide anyway.

I would be hard pressed to react with joy and grace if I received household cleaning equipment or the like.

 

The fact that he specifically asked NOT to receive clothes and got this against his express wishes makes it even more understandable.

The only consequence this would have for me is that I would in the future not give him stuff he explicitly said he does not want.

 

I would also let it go to, particularly as he said he didn't want clothes.

 

In general, however, it depends on family culture whether clothes are an appropriate gift.  I've always bought my boys clothes for Christmas; it was the same when I was a child, even though I wasn't fashion-conscious.  The gifts tend to be a bit nicer/more expensive than the usual clothes I buy.  Hobbes has a standard navy blue fleece-lined windcheater, but for Christmas he's getting a nice wool coat.

[bolt.]

I occasionally "do consequences" -- but mostly I do "solution finding". The problem is that your son is occasionally mildly rude under specific (known) circumstances. Specifically: to his immediate family, when there are no bystanders, when he thinks that it's justified (not just for simple disappointment).

 

Solutions for that don't need to happen right now, but they do need to happen.

 

1. He needs to "un-learn" the perspective that his immediate family is bullet proof, and learn that their real humanity and real feelings means that they deserve the same everyday good treatment as everyone else (or better -- because as a family member he can hurt them more than a stranger can).

 

2. He needs to learn that manners are somewhat about his own dignity and honour. Even when people 'deserve' expressions of annoyance or rebuke (ie ignoring a direct request), in his heart he should be pleased with himself by continuing to show good manners in spite of provocation.

 

Those are fairly fine points in the manners game, but I'd make sure to work them in at some point early in the new year, and casually refer back to the 'Christmas clothes' incident as a clarifying example.

[Miss Tick]

I wouldn't let it go without some kind of discussion. Otherwise, he's going to grow up to include "cash gifts only" in his wedding e-invites.

 

Seriously, where is Ellie? A gift is a *gift*. And it isn't okay to be rude to family. Both those points should be addressed.

[Annie G]

I'd let it go. He's 11 and this is not typical behavior.  

 

I might feel the same if dh gave me a pan because he thought I could make a great pot roast in it. Ok, so as an adult, I wouldn't actually SAY 'ugh' but I might think it. 

Edited December 24, 2015 by Annie G

[Haiku]

Seriously, where is Ellie? A gift is a *gift*. And it isn't okay to be rude to family. Both those points should be addressed.

In general, I agree, but he is a child who specifically expressed himself to his mom, and she pretty much blew him off. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on this one and consider it a lesson learned for me, as mom. A gift really isn't a gift when you know it will be unwelcome.

[Garga]

He specifically said, "No clothes," and you bought him clothes.

 

I think his reaction was 100% predicable. I'd totally let it go. In fact, it would become the family joke. I think his reaction is hilarious and not naughty at all. It's exactly how an 11 year old should react to getting clothes on Christmas when he said, "No clothes."

 

It's completely like when the kids in A Christmas Story got socks. They opened them, looked at each other in disbelief, and tossed them over their shoulders.

[zoobie]

I'd let it go. 11 is a hard age where they still want the little kid magic of Christmas and are standing *right* over the edge looking back at it. He shouldn't have been rude, but it's not worth killing more magic to "discipline" him right now. He's otherwise polite about gifts, which is the goal.

[shawthorne44]

I'd be donating that shirt and few others he liked to Goodwill.   I'd probably think about also returning one of the gifts he did appreciate and then decide against it on the grounds that he is 11. 

[Garga]

I'd be donating that shirt and few others he liked to Goodwill. I'd probably think about also returning one of the gifts he did appreciate and then decide against it on the grounds that he is 11.

At what age do you respond like that to an excited kid at Christmas who doesn't appreciate getting the item he specifically asked NOT to get? That's such a harsh reaction I can't quite get over it.

 

A kid says, "No clothes." You give him clothes. He's upset. So you take a present away that he wanted.

 

That would be so damaging to the relationship. It might not recover from that. He'd certainly remember it for the rest of his life, that's for sure. I guess the "lesson" would be well learned, but it might not be the lesson you intended to teach.

 

ETA: Hang on. I just re-read what you wrote. So, at 11 you *would* give away his old favorite shirts? It's only at an older age that you'd also give away a new present? Oh my. That is so harsh.

Edited December 24, 2015 by Garga

[Grantmom]

I'm on the fence, because when I first read this, I thought, I wouldn't give a consequence, I would have just said, shortly after the fact, something brief about having nice manners when someone gives you a gift, and that was inappropriate.  However, after reading the other responses about how mom ignored the no clothes request, that it seems normal from an 11 year old, it makes me think then maybe, (of course this is just hindsight speculation for the future) it would have been better to have said that when he wrote "no clothes" on his wish list.  I mean I sort of think that was the rude part.  Although, I don't believe any 11 yr old boy would think it was rude, and that's what we are here for, to kindly and gently lead them towards what is kind and appropriate when it comes to people's feelings and manners.

[DawnM]

My boys don't see clothing as a gift either.  

 

We have just decided that necessities are not gifts.  However, there is a caveat.  If jeans are necessary, $20 jeans will work.  You want the $60 jeans?  You pay the difference or request it as a gift.

 

I would let it go.

 

Dawn

[MrsWeasley]

In the moment, I would let it go, but later I might mention how the rude response made me feel and remind him of the appropriate response.

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 25, 2015 by w11

[marbel]

At what age do you respond like that to an excited kid at Christmas who doesn't appreciate getting the item he specifically asked NOT to get? That's such a harsh reaction I can't quite get over it.

 

A kid says, "No clothes." You give him clothes. He's upset. So you take a present away that he wanted.

 

That would be so damaging to the relationship. It might not recover from that. He'd certainly remember it for the rest of his life, that's for sure. I guess the "lesson" would be well learned, but it might not be the lesson you intended to teach.

 

ETA: Hang on. I just re-read what you wrote. So, at 11 you *would* give away his old favorite shirts? It's only at an older age that you'd also give away a new present? Oh my. That is so harsh.

 

Not Christmas related, but my parents did something the night before my birthday one year that made me depressed on that day for years, to the point that I did not want to acknowledge my birthday at all.  I wouldn't say it damaged our relationship forever, but things were never quite the same for me after that.    And, 45 years later I have not forgotten it.  I don't think about it much, except on my birthday or when something (like this thread) remind me of it.

 

So yeah, getting rid of other random items of clothing would be harsh in my opinion.

 

[maize]

I'm thinking that if I had specifically asked my husband not to buy, say, kitchen gadgets for me, and on Christmas morning he presented me with a kitchen gadget--I'd be rather bummed and consider HIM to be rude.

 

Just sayin...

[Serenade]

I've always tried to tell my kids that gifts are not only about the receiver, but about the giver.   That people give you something because they think you will like it, even if you didn't specifically ask for it.   And that one needs to be polite in receiving gifts, and that it doesn't encourage people to be generous in the future of you reject a gift today.  

 

Like the OP, I'd be upset if my child reacted to a gift like that.  Recipients don't get to demand what they get for a gift.  Simply writing "no clothes" on a wish list does not mean that all the Christmas resources are instead spent on gadgets and toys.  That's not something the child gets to choose.  The child is the recipient, not the giver.  

 

That said, I don't think I'd punish the child for his reaction, either, although I would not be happy, and I'd definitely point it out to him.  

 

I think we live in a weird world.  There seems to be something going around this year about no clothes for gifts.  I've read a few postings on Facebook to that effect.  Yeah, kids don't like clothes as much as toys and electronics.  I get it.  But kids need clothes, and parents spend a lot of money on clothes.  It's not always optional to simply buy a gadget or toy instead of clothes.  

Edited December 24, 2015 by Serenade

[Haiku]

it would have been better to have said that when he wrote "no clothes" on his wish list.  I mean I sort of think that was the rude part. 

 

So, you're a kid, and your parents ask you what you want for Christmas, and you also tell them what you don't want, and that's rude? You can't even be honest with your parents?

[marbel]

<snip>

 

I think we live in a weird world.  There seems to be something going around this year about no clothes for gifts.  I've read a few postings on Facebook to that effect.  Yeah, kids don't like clothes as much as toys and electronics.  I get it.  But kids need clothes, and parents spend a lot of money on clothes.  It's not always optional to simply buy a gadget or toy instead of clothes.  

 

It seems like it would work just as well to spend less money on gifts. 

 

If a family sets a gift budget of, say $100 per kid, but that includes giving them necessities that the kids don't consider gifts... why not reduce the gift budget to $50, and buy the necessary items just because they're necessary? 

 

A few years ago my husband and I were going through a money panic attack.  The  electric toothbrushes needed to be replaced. My husband said "maybe we should get that for our Christmas present this year."  What?   Oh hell no.  Let's just get smaller, token gifts then.  Get me a magazine off the rack if you have to but do not call a toothbrush a gift.

 

(I acknowledge that in some families and for some people an electric toothbrush would be a fine gift.  For me, at the stage of life I am in, it's not.) 

 

[Garga]

Not Christmas related, but my parents did something the night before my birthday one year that made me depressed on that day for years, to the point that I did not want to acknowledge my birthday at all. I wouldn't say it damaged our relationship forever, but things were never quite the same for me after that. And, 45 years later I have not forgotten it. I don't think about it much, except on my birthday or when something (like this thread) remind me of it.

 

So yeah, getting rid of other random items of clothing would be harsh in my opinion.

 

Doing harsh things to kids around special days does create bad memories that last forever. Kids can forget bad things that happen on random days, but when bad things are associated with days that are supposed to be joyful and happy, it cuts so deeply.

[rocassie]

I wouldn't do any type of punishment, but I would say something.  Not in the moment but a side conversation.  I would probably grab the shirt, stop in child's room, and say something like "Son, I know you didn't want clothes for Christmas, but I thought this would be something you would like to wear.  I know it's not exciting, but it hurt my feelings for you to be rude about said gift.  In the future, please me mindful of your words.  I love you."

 

I do not think it's okay to treat family worse than others.  I believe character and treating people well begins at home.

[Rachel]

He isn't normally rude; he usually says thanks (unprompted) for a gift, even if I know he is disappointed.

I would let it go. I would maybe remind him to keep his disappointment to himself if there will be more gift opening in the near future.

[katilac]

It seems like it would work just as well to spend less money on gifts. 

 

If a family sets a gift budget of, say $100 per kid, but that includes giving them necessities that the kids don't consider gifts... why not reduce the gift budget to $50, and buy the necessary items just because they're necessary? 

 

 

Exactly. 

 

If a kid doesn't want something, putting wrapping paper on it doesn't magically turn it into a fun gift, lol. 

 

"ugh" certainly wasn't a perfect response in any case, but as he's 11, requested no clothes, and was at home, I'd let it pass.

 

It doesn't sound like he needs a reminder that it was rude, he knows it was rude but made the mistake of saying it anyway. Eh, move on, we all make mistakes. I wouldn't guilt him with "you hurt mommy's feelings" if I felt confident that he knows the proper behavior and isn't likely to repeat it. 

 

If I wanted to buy him the shirt as a gift in spite of the 'no clothes' request, I would have handed it to him with a warning, lol. We have actually done this a few times, bc my kids enjoy tearing through a big pile of presents: Start with these, they're not quite as exciting... 

[ikslo]

At what age do you respond like that to an excited kid at Christmas who doesn't appreciate getting the item he specifically asked NOT to get? That's such a harsh reaction I can't quite get over it.

 

A kid says, "No clothes." You give him clothes. He's upset. So you take a present away that he wanted.

 

That would be so damaging to the relationship. It might not recover from that. He'd certainly remember it for the rest of his life, that's for sure. I guess the "lesson" would be well learned, but it might not be the lesson you intended to teach.

 

ETA: Hang on. I just re-read what you wrote. So, at 11 you *would* give away his old favorite shirts? It's only at an older age that you'd also give away a new present? Oh my. That is so harsh.

I agree.

[Reefgazer]

This is what I have decided I will do. As far as spending money on clothes that could've been spent on other gifts, I probably wouldn't have done that either. If I had not gotten that shirt I probably wouldn't have gotten anything else; the shirt was kind of an add-on. We don't spend a lot of money on Christmas gifts, and I'm a very utilitarian, practical person, so the shirt looked like a good idea to me.

 

I wouldn't do any type of punishment, but I would say something. Not in the moment but a side conversation. I would probably grab the shirt, stop in child's room, and say something like "Son, I know you didn't want clothes for Christmas, but I thought this would be something you would like to wear. I know it's not exciting, but it hurt my feelings for you to be rude about said gift. In the future, please me mindful of your words. I love you."

 

I do not think it's okay to treat family worse than others. I believe character and treating people well begins at home.

Edited December 24, 2015 by reefgazer

[Catwoman]

Not Christmas related, but my parents did something the night before my birthday one year that made me depressed on that day for years, to the point that I did not want to acknowledge my birthday at all. I wouldn't say it damaged our relationship forever, but things were never quite the same for me after that. And, 45 years later I have not forgotten it. I don't think about it much, except on my birthday or when something (like this thread) remind me of it.

 

So yeah, getting rid of other random items of clothing would be harsh in my opinion.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

That's so sad. :(

 

I completely agree with you.

[mamiof5]

No consequence, but I'd bring bit up in a day or two. I am sure he can understand that wasn't very nice. No biggie though, but I'd feel he needs to be reminded that his reaction this time wasn't OK. Merry Christmas!!!!!

[Catwoman]

I'd be donating that shirt and few others he liked to Goodwill. I'd probably think about also returning one of the gifts he did appreciate and then decide against it on the grounds that he is 11.

Wow. That is so mean. And on Christmas, too. :(

[SKL]

I will refine my answer.  If my kids did that (and they probably have), I would gently point out in the moment that they should show appreciation for gifts, and then I would let it go.  If I suspected they were likely to do it in front of others, I would warn them in advance so they didn't embarrass everyone in the room.

 

Since the OP situation was already in the past, I did not see any point in going back and fussing about it with an 11yo.

 

Kids are going to do all sorts of foolish things because they are kids.  I am a choose your battles mom.  The last thing I'm going to do is fight about this sort of thing at Christmas time.  We have enough issues worth worrying about.  Maybe if my kids were already 99% perfect, and this was the other 1%, I'd fuss over it.

[Catwoman]

I'd let it go. He's 11 and this is not typical behavior.

 

I might feel the same if dh gave me a pan because he thought I could make a great pot roast in it. Ok, so as an adult, I wouldn't actually SAY 'ugh' but I might think it.

Would you be thinking 'ugh' before or after you hit him over the head with it? ;)

[katilac]

I will refine my answer.  If my kids did that (and they probably have), I would gently point out in the moment that they should show appreciation for gifts, and then I would let it go.  If I suspected they were likely to do it in front of others, I would warn them in advance so they didn't embarrass everyone in the room.

 

Since the OP situation was already in the past, I did not see any point in going back and fussing about it with an 11yo.

 

 

 

I agree. 

 

A mild admonishment at the moment would certainly be fine, but it sounds like he already knows better. It's over and done, and I wouldn't see the point of revisiting it now.