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PeacefulChaos

s/o : Living with family. Would you?

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Would you ever choose to live with family as a long-term option?

 

I'm talking extended family, obviously - parents, whatever.  Multi-generational households, I guess they're called.

 

 

How would it work so as not to drive everyone crazy?

 

 

 

 

I don't think I could ever do it.  Unless the house was so big that everyone had their own space.  I'm a bit of an alpha type and I can't stand other people getting in my stuff or in my way.  :lol:

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I'd love to have my mom live with us.  Hubby would like it too.  

 

Any of my boys are welcome to live with us at any time.

 

Other relatives?  No.

 

The difference?  Personalities.  We mesh with my mom (and my boys) - not so much with the others.

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With my in-laws?  No.  Huge boundary issues.  With my dad before he died?  No.  With my mom?  Yes.  Personality makes a big difference.  Knowing and keeping proper boundaries is absolutely necessary.  Being able to be flexible to some degree, is also necessary.  I've lived in many houses, some multi-generational.  The ones that worked were the ones that had people with a lot of give and take and the ability to flex without crossing boundaries. 

 

ETA - a missing word

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My kids are welcome to live with us until they get married, then it would be dependent on how well I get along with their wives!   :glare:

 

Other people, no.  

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Yes if I consider only the people, but I don't like any of the locations where either side of the family lives. So I guess if they moved here or we both moved to a mutually agreeable location.

 

Extended family is in my culture and I was considered a bit of a radical for moving away when I was 18, instead of living with family until I married. Despite my moving away, I do like the idea of families living together and it makes a lot of sense in terms of finance and caretaking for all ages. U.S. culture makes it tough in that there are no social rules for who lives where and is responsible for what, like many extended family cultures have. For example, in my family's home country, the son would be responsible for taking care of a widowed mom and his inheritance would be adjusted accordingly. There's no rule like that here.

 

If we moved in with one set of parents/in-laws, I think the others might feel slighted and more concerned about their own future care needs. In a society with rules and expectations it's not personal, if you know what I mean.

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It's hard to say.  We'd do it if we had to, but I hope never to have to.  My in-laws are not people we (husband, kids and I) can spend a lot of time with.

 

I surely hope if my kids get married they never have to live with my husband and me.  I know that in many cultures multi-generational families have lived together successfully, but in the culture my family lives in (USA) I think young married couples need to be out on their own.  Obviously I am not talking about situations where it just can't happen, and I know it can work out.  But generally I think it's a bad idea, at least for the first several years of marriage.

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We have stayed with my parents with little friction. My parents don't cook though so we don't have any sharing the kitchen issue. My parents aren't into gatherings so that helps.

 

If we stay with my in-laws, it would only work if we have an in-laws unit. We have different house rules. My in-laws don't even agree on their own house rules (they argued about house rules while we were there). My in-laws are big on gatherings so it was like having an open house everyday when we stayed with them with little quiet time.

 

I grew up with my maternal grandpa staying with my maternal aunt who babysat me. My maternal grandpa is easy to get along with.

 

ETA:

My paternal grandma was hard to get along with so she stayed with each child for a few months.

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Nope. Been there, failed at that. 

 

DH is determined to offer our home to his parents in 5-10 years, regardless of the condition of their health. I told him that the only way I would "allow" it (though in no way would I be ok with it) would be if they had medical needs and weren't planning on using the kitchen, or if we had a home with a second kitchen, and private spaces for them (bedroom, bathroom, sitting room). 

 

When they lived with us, they were always moving things around in the kitchen. I never knew where anything was, how much was left, and pots and dishes were never cleaned to my standards. I'm not good at confrontation and couldn't bring myself to confront the inlaws, so I ended up taking a lot out on my DH or DS. 

 

I felt like I didn't have any privacy. I couldn't sit in my own kitchen and enjoy my meal without the anxiety that one of them might come down and interrupt my peaceful silence. I couldn't even sit in my bedroom with the door shut without expecting someone to knock (then open the door without waiting for an answer) and ask me something that they really should be asking DH because DH knows about x, while I wouldn't. I don't like people watching me clean, so cleaning often wouldn't get done as I would have liked. I felt like I couldn't parent DS as I preferred to because they didn't understand or respect our parenting techniques. DS5 would ask them for permission to play outside, and they would give the permission with no intention to actually keep an eye on him or let me know where he was. They would talk to him or chuckle at him when he did something wrong or was in time out, and that only caused DS's behavior to worsen. 

 

 

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We sort of do live with my in-laws (or do they live with us?).  We actually have 2 separate houses that are joined via basement and porch (my front porch butts into their back door).  We've lived like this for essentially the past 16 years.   Before that dh's parents and grandparents shared this arrangement.  Works great for all of us.  

 

We've always had built in baby sitters, the children have always had another set of adults around (but they totally back us up as the parents).  We help them.  They help us.

 

We have our own space.  They have their own space.  

 

I need a cup of sugar?  It's there.  She needs a bigger pan for something?  It's there.  I need to stick something in her oven?  Sure!

 

One of the children has a weird illness?  There's a second opinion right next door of a much older and wiser woman than myself.

 

Their car gets a flat?  Someone from our house to the rescue!

 

Can my children go do something stupid in the neighborhood without being noticed as "grandson of this upstanding and longstanding member of the community"?  Not a chance!  (Built in sense of protecting the family name, lol.)

 

My 4 year old wakes up in the morning and runs across the porch to Grandma's house first thing.  If they are still in bed, he climbs in with them.  If they are having their Bible reading time, he has his own chair.  If they are eating breakfast, he eats with them.   :laugh:   They dote on him so.

 

 

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With ds24: it's been working well for the past two years and I don't see any reason to change anything.

 

With dd26: I'd rather rip out my still-beating heart with my bare hands and give it to Donald Trump to use for toilet paper.

 

My parents are in retirement homes that they chose themselves and they're both too much like dd26 for me to whine about getting that precious gift instead of stock certificates or antique silverware after their deaths.

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some I could, depends how it's set up.

 

My mil . . . . you couldn't pay me $1M to have her live with us again.  or as dear neice added .. a day . . .

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Love both sides, but no.  And at this point, I hope my kids launch independently in their 20's but them I can work with hopefully.  It's hard to say since they're a ways from that point yet. 

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I'd love to have my mom live with us, and I'd move my dad in too just to get her here (complicated story). She's not agreed to it yet because she doesn't want to move to the city, but maybe. Her house is probably set up better for a three generation household, but there are no jobs where I grew up.

 

I'd live with my in-laws (them in my home or us in theirs) if it was necessary, but it wouldn't work as well. My MIL loves the other in-laws, but only tolerates me. Regardless, they've been told that if they need care later in life, they are welcome here.

 

I would not live with my brothers unless the world was literally ending.

 

I would consider living with my BIL's and their spouses, but as they have no children, I doubt they would live with us. :-)

 

I have dear friends who have often discussed sharing property, if not housing. I would do that.

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I am actually pretty good at sharing.  I have never not shared.  :P

 

My kids are 9 and I think they are pretty used to it as well.

 

We might be weird, though.

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Up until I met my IL's I would have said the big fat YES.  In my culture it is simply the norm.

 

Yes, it would be a bit hard to live with my parents, even though we have great relationship, but again, to me it  would be the norm.

 

If I ever had to live with my IL's - there is a very good chance that I would end up either in mental institution or a jail.  But there is 100% chance I would end up divorced.

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We lived with my parents for a few months while DH was looking for a job. I had 3 small kids and my mom was so helpful. We got along great and I loved sharing household responsibilities. We only had a couple bedrooms to ourselves and most of our stuff was in storage. Besides the cramped living space, it was probably the best the situation could possibly be. However, by the time we moved out my relationship with DH was beginning to suffer. We needed our own space. I found that the interactions between DH and I were different because we almost always had an audience. We had no privacy except for our bedroom and we didn't hang out in the bedroom much. So we didn't get the alone time we needed and were used to. I felt like we had to "reset" our relationship when we moved out and got our space.

 

So long story short, absolutely not. In a desperate situation, it might work. But I think it does a married couple good to have their own space and household.

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I'd love to live with married generations together, if we all had a space to retreat to.   As for our children living with us to save for a home, no problem.  Our deal has always been to only charge them their portion of the utilities.  In our case, that's 1/5.  It's little to nothing, but paying something seems to make everyone feel bette.  In they're in school full time then no payments are expected. 

 

On a practical note, widowed MIL lives about forty minutes away which is just the right distance to be difficult.  I really wish she'd move closer.   On the bright side, oldest ds lives with her and takes care of the "emergency" needs. 

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We sort of do live with my in-laws (or do they live with us?). We actually have 2 separate houses that are joined via basement and porch (my front porch butts into their back door). We've lived like this for essentially the past 16 years. Before that dh's parents and grandparents shared this arrangement. Works great for all of us.

 

We've always had built in baby sitters, the children have always had another set of adults around (but they totally back us up as the parents). We help them. They help us.

 

We have our own space. They have their own space.

 

I need a cup of sugar? It's there. She needs a bigger pan for something? It's there. I need to stick something in her oven? Sure!

 

One of the children has a weird illness? There's a second opinion right next door of a much older and wiser woman than myself.

 

Their car gets a flat? Someone from our house to the rescue!

 

Can my children go do something stupid in the neighborhood without being noticed as "grandson of this upstanding and longstanding member of the community"? Not a chance! (Built in sense of protecting the family name, lol.)

 

My 4 year old wakes up in the morning and runs across the porch to Grandma's house first thing. If they are still in bed, he climbs in with them. If they are having their Bible reading time, he has his own chair. If they are eating breakfast, he eats with them. :laugh: They dote on him so.

That's awesome! A perfect set up, in my opinion.

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We sort of do live with my in-laws (or do they live with us?).  We actually have 2 separate houses that are joined via basement and porch (my front porch butts into their back door).  We've lived like this for essentially the past 16 years.   Before that dh's parents and grandparents shared this arrangement.  Works great for all of us.  

 

We've always had built in baby sitters, the children have always had another set of adults around (but they totally back us up as the parents).  We help them.  They help us.

 

We have our own space.  They have their own space.  

 

I need a cup of sugar?  It's there.  She needs a bigger pan for something?  It's there.  I need to stick something in her oven?  Sure!

 

One of the children has a weird illness?  There's a second opinion right next door of a much older and wiser woman than myself.

 

Their car gets a flat?  Someone from our house to the rescue!

 

Can my children go do something stupid in the neighborhood without being noticed as "grandson of this upstanding and longstanding member of the community"?  Not a chance!  (Built in sense of protecting the family name, lol.)

 

My 4 year old wakes up in the morning and runs across the porch to Grandma's house first thing.  If they are still in bed, he climbs in with them.  If they are having their Bible reading time, he has his own chair.  If they are eating breakfast, he eats with them.   :laugh:   They dote on him so.

 

That sounds wonderful.  If we could have that, I would take it in a heartbeat.  Unfortunately our families are either boundaryless or indifferent. 

 

 

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Yup and have.  It was great.  Soon my parents will be moving from MD to TX and moving in with us.  They painted their bedroom last year when they spent 3 weeks here and ordered their bed and bedframe.  We are very much looking forward to them getting here.  They keep getting delayed by health (my uncle died last year and this year my dad got cancer).  We lived with my parents in their 1800 square foot house (8 of us living there) for 5 years previously.  We left because we really wanted to move to San Antonio.  So did they, actually.  It's just the aforementioned health problems that have kept them on the east coast a couple years longer than intended.

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It sounds like a great thing in theory, and I know one family who is making it work, pooling their resources etc. They are like-minded which is hugely important. 

 

Like I said in the other thread we have been offered an arrangement with my dad and step mom. But they basically hate everything we do. I think they basically want to have us closer to intervene in what they see as all our myriad poor life choices (like homeschool). So no, I am not signing up for that but I wish it could work. 

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We've lived with my in-laws for a couple of months at a time at different times in our marriage.  I hope to never do it again.  I never could have lived with my mom and step-dad either.  Or my bio dad.  

My kids and their future spouses?  Maybe...depending on the spouses.  

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Yes. With my sister and nephew, with any of my kids and their (future) partners, with either of my parents ( but maybe not both of them! ) Not my in-laws. 

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No...for many reasons. Besides the fact that we like our privacy, we live our lives very different than the rest of the family. (Church, no drinking alcohol, etc.)

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With my in-laws? No. Huge boundary issues. With my dad before he died? No. With my mom? Yes. Personality makes a big difference. Knowing and keeping proper boundaries is absolutely necessary. Being able to be flexible to some degree, is also necessary. I've lived in many houses, some multi-generational. The ones that worked were the ones that had people with a lot of give and take and the ability to flex without crossing boundaries.

 

ETA - a missing word

Are we related? I have the same answer.

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We could easily live with my mother. It would be haaaaard to live with DHs mother because she is relentlessly annoying. She's not really toxic though, so it would be doable.

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First MIL. NEVER IN 100 million years. Thank God she is no longer my worry.

 

 

Current MIL and FIL.....love them...but he has Alzeheimers and I would need my own space.....in laws suite yep could do it.

 

My mom and dad.......probably not both of them. Or again if we did we would need our own space.

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Absolutely. I would love that and think that ideally family should take care of family if at all possible (and I understand that there are many, many extenuating circumstances or preferences that don't make it possible for a lot of people). When I think about it, I'm thinking of parents or grandparents, not necessarily those of my own generation. I think how it works out practically depends on the house and the people. I think I'd want an apartment of sorts for the other person, so they have not only their bedroom/bathroom of their own but also a living area to themselves; if that wasn't available, of course a bedroom of their own would be needful.

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We lived with my parents for a few months as well. It went well for the most part. When ex and I were married, we considered my parents friends. 

 

At some point I can see living with my mom. We'd do best with a duplex and each get a side as we tend to "live" in our spaces differently. I'm also divorced and ds will most likely be on his own before that happens. He'd be okay with it anyway, my mom and him are buddies and he has always had a room at her house. 

 

If I ever get involved with someone again, I'd still like to have my mom nearby. 

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We are doing this now and so far it has been great! My sister and BIL have a huge house, with a walkout basement almost the same size as the main floor,approximately 1700 square feet. We decided that it would be financially beneficial if we lived together and shared expenses for 3-5 years. So the basement was outfitted with a basic kitchen, and the rest of it was already divided into living areas, a bathroom and rooms for bedrooms. We have tons more space, indoors and out, compared to our previous rental. We disussed some ground rules ahead of time to ensure that everyone has the privacy and quiet they need. My sister's kids and mine are loving having cousins so close. It probably helps that all of us adults are fairly laid back people!

 

This wouldn't have worked with one of my other two sisters and for sure not with any of DH's siblings!

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We lived with my mum for 3 months a few years ago. We haven't spoken since.

 

We did my in-laws for 3 months (after mum kicked us out) until we got our own place again. I love them, but 3 months was more than enough!

 

I wouldn't do it again. My kids are welcome anytime, but we have lots of land lol!

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My parents? No.

 

Maybe a home with unrelated persons of different generations, one of those generations including that of my parents. Just not my parents.  

 

No. Now I'm going to have nightmares. 

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I'm so glad I'm not the only one who feels this way!!

 

 

One thing that I've been thinking for the last several years is that I'm not sure what my ILs will do when FIL can't work any more.  If it ever comes to that point.  He will never be able to 'retire' in the sense that he'll have a 401k/retirement fund/etc.  I don't know that it would be something anyone in the family could afford for them to live at the residential care facility where DH's maternal grandmother lived for several years.   Wow that sentence was a mess lol... 

 

So I've always sort of thought in the back of my mind that it would be optimal if we had an extra space - a guest house would be awesome :lol: - where they could live on our property if the need ever arose.  But they would literally need, like, their own little home.  :lol:

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Nope. Done that and it was a HUGE FAIL. Never again in a million years. I still get blamed for the set up not working. But, I have only one life to live and I don't want to ruin it by "helping" people who don't understand what boundaries are. I burnt some bridges when I got out of the setup. A lot of my happiness and peace was ruined, and I thank God every day I get to spend without other people invading my space and stomping on boundaries. It is a matter of personalities - if there is a lot of respect (mutual, not one way) then there is peaceful existence possible.

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My mom.....No!

Dh's mom and step dad....No!

Dh's dad and step mom..  Him no, her yes.

 

 

 

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It's not unusual for people in my mother's family to make it to their late 90s or even pass 100. So sooner or later we'll have to share, that or send Mom to a nursing home. No money for a nursing home, so... yeah. But we can get along pretty well.

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My mom and youngest sister would be okay but Only if they lived with me, not the other way around.  My mom doesn't clean, she expects the kids to do all the work, I'd still be considered a kid at her house.  In my house she'd make sure she took care of her own stuff and the garden.

 

*she doesn't clean because she works full time and spends all of her time outside on the farm stuff- garden, chickens, ducks, pig, and cow.

 

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We did it with my mom for the last 18 months of her life. We'd expected it to be several years or more. We made it work by adding on a large addition. Her rooms (living space, bed, bath, mini kitchen, own entrances and own back deck) are on the opposite side of the house from our master bedroom, and on the first level whereas our room is on the second floor. If I were ever planning such a thing again (not as the child, but as the parent, as my parents are gone now), I think that's a good way to do it. It allows separate living spaces. Having a large recreation room in the basement is also really helpful to allow a noisy teen/kid space separate from the adult areas. That was really helpful to us, although we hadn't originally planned to add that finished space, doing it was actually really very helpful.

 

So, yes, I'd do it again, but I think having lots of intelligently planned space with multiple living areas is important. Sound proofing is also really important. I did some modest sound proofing (insulating some interior walls and ceilings), but if I were doing it again, I'd invest in high quality sound proofing for all couples' bedrooms (or at least MINE) for obvious reasons for both having a refuge from outside disturbances and privacy. 

 

FWIW, I am very glad we did what we did for Mom, even though it was very expensive and challenging. 

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I just wanted to point out that having lived in a culture that definitely has multi-generational homes as part of the culture, it isn't always an emotionally healthy thing.  Many of the DILs I knew in Japan put up with a lot of verbal abuse because it was expected.  They had no real power because MIL ruled the roost even though the son was the one who took the older generation in.  Obviously that wasn't always the case, but it was true enough times that it was a common stereotype in books and movies. 

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My mum is 91.  For various specific reasons she can't live with us now.  I can see that happening in a few years though.  I'm preparing myself for entering a different season of my life: when my children were small, they drove me crazy sometimes but I had a duty to them.  I'm sure my mum will drive me crazy, but I have a duty to her.

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 For example, in my family's home country, the son would be responsible for taking care of a widowed mom and his inheritance would be adjusted accordingly. There's no rule like that here.

 

If we moved in with one set of parents/in-laws, I think the others might feel slighted and more concerned about their own future care needs. In a society with rules and expectations it's not personal, if you know what I mean.

 

How does it work if there is no son?  

 

We are in the process of moving my mother up to live near me (and eventually, probably, live with me).  My husband's brother looked after their parents; my brother's wife lost one sister and the other emigrated, so she needs to take care of her mother; I have another brother, but he has health issues that make it impossible for him to care for Mum, so it makes sense that I care for her.

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