Teenage daughters, boys who are friends and who have girlfriends. Oh my.

[luuknam]

Yup.  When I was in high school, a Baptist friend won a VW bug for bringing friends to church and church events.  I think she had brought over 250 visitors to church in the course of the year.  

 

OMG. That's insane.

[Annie G]

We had to put our foot down when neighbors kept trying to get our son to go with theirs to AWANA. We are Catholic and they know it. Finally asked them if their son could go with our boy to a Catholic youth group and they were aghast at the idea... then they "got it" and stopped with the AWANA invitations.

 

 

"offer incentives for inviting friends (ranging from pizza to extravagant praise to ipods!"

 

this. Neighbor said their boy would earn points (or something) for bringing in a new kid.

 

You're smarter than I was. I let dd attend AWANA and she enjoyed it, and had no real issue with us being Catholic. Then ds went when he was five- as a visitor, because dd needed to 'bring a friend' to get a section in her book checked off.  Ds went and they met us at the door at pickup that night to tell us he'd been saved.   Dh saved me that night from needing bail money. I nearly went ballistic. 

[Liz CA]

I also, however, do not have a hard time seeing this boy as someone who would want to evangelize. He is definitely a kid who is "on fire" for his faith. 

 

This was my first thought.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Baptists in this area do not believe Catholics are Christians, and do believe that they need to be "saved" (from the idol worshipping Catholic church, or something - not entirely sure). I know this much already.

DD looks at Youth Group as a fun activity. If I'm honest, if they were to say something to her along the lines of that she "needs to be saved" and that "Catholics aren't Christian." she is more likely to cause drama because she isn't one to think before she speaks and she is very likely to tell them that they can stick their doctrine in certain bodily crevices. I don't say that with any amount of pride, either - we have working to help her learn to think before she speaks and to curb her words a bit (i.e. you can get your point across without being offensive). We've been in this situation before, and I know how she'll react. 

The boy insists that it's just fun - but even the Christmas concert, which was not supposed to be a "service" did turn into a service with the preacher inviting people to speak to him about being saved, following Christ, not a religion, etc.

 

I have encountered the anti Catholic thing.  When I first moved to where I live now I looked for a homeschool group to join and talked to one woman who told me about the group she was in.  She told me they take Christians, but "unfortunately" even Catholics.  Well geesh not only is most of my family Catholic, but I'm an atheist.  So obviously that wasn't going to work out, but what in heck.  I thought that was pretty lousy.

[Liz CA]

Would they do that without the okay of the child's parents (baptize or save)? Or am I agreeing to that possibility by even sending her, if only by default?

 

Perhaps not the baptizing but you need nobody's permission to get saved. It's a personal decision.

[Liz CA]

  Ds went and they met us at the door at pickup that night to tell us he'd been saved.   Dh saved me that night from needing bail money. I nearly went ballistic. 

 

Genuine question: What does that mean to a Catholic and why is it alarming? We are non-denominational. If my ds had gone to a Catholic Church and said I crossed myself and prayed a prayer directed to Mother Mary, I would perhaps take it as a basis for a discussion of the differences but would not think a horrible thing had happened. More importantly (to me), I don't think Jesus would care that much either.

 

[ktgrok]

Genuine question: What does that mean to a Catholic and why is it alarming? We are non-denominational. If my ds had gone to a Catholic Church and said I crossed myself and prayed a prayer directed to Mother Mary, I would perhaps take it as a basis for a discussion of the differences but would not think a horrible thing had happened. More importantly (to me), I don't think Jesus would care that much either.

 

 

The problem is that it is telling the kid that before that night they were not saved. It basically says that what they were doing already wasn't good enough, that their Church isn't enough, that they were lost while there, and now are saved. 

[wapiti]

Just another vote for a Big Fat No to the youth group in this situation.  And probably time for a conversation with dd, something about teens and socializing, though I'm not sure specifically what I'd say.

[Catwoman]

I agree. This may be my age showing, but the boy's behavior seems totally inappropriate to me. *Hours* spent talking to your daughter is too much. I would discourage the relationship.

:iagree:

 

My biggest concern would be that your dd would be hurt. Are you sure she doesn't have a crush on this boy? And I would also be concerned about his intentions since you mentioned that he already has a girlfriend. I could be completely mistaken, but it would seem to me that he is interested in your dd as a potential girlfriend or he wants to convert her to his religion. I don't see this as being nothing more than an innocent friendship on his part. She is only 14, and it sounds like they have almost nothing in common, so why would he spend all those hours talking to her instead of to his girlfriend or his friends from school?

[Catwoman]

You're smarter than I was. I let dd attend AWANA and she enjoyed it, and had no real issue with us being Catholic. Then ds went when he was five- as a visitor, because dd needed to 'bring a friend' to get a section in her book checked off. Ds went and they met us at the door at pickup that night to tell us he'd been saved. Dh saved me that night from needing bail money. I nearly went ballistic.

Wow. I would have been livid, as well. How dare someone try to convert a 5yo to their religion??? :angry:

[Catwoman]

I don't think talking to a boy is "making an adult decision". Nor do I think joining a youth group is "making an adult decision". And if the OP was Jewish instead of Catholic, her DD would've had her bat mitzvah already, meaning she'd have responsibility for her own actions, i.e. be pretty much an adult.

 

From Wikipedia:

 

"Prior to reaching bar mitzvah age, the child's parents hold the responsibility for the child's actions. After this age, the boys and girls bear their own responsibility for Jewish ritual law, tradition, and ethics, and are able to participate in all areas of Jewish community life."

 

 

That said, I said I think 14yos should *largely* be allowed to make their own decisions... not always in everything though. But, in less than 4 years the girl will legally be able to make whatever decisions she wants, so some amount of practice would be a good idea now, even if it might involve some drama.

FWIW, I don't know any Jewish families who treat their 14yo kids as adults. :)

[Catwoman]

I also, however, do not have a hard time seeing this boy as someone who would want to evangelize. He is definitely a kid who is "on fire" for his faith.

If you're not on board with the idea of your dd possibly being influenced by this boy and suddenly announcing that she, too, is "on fire" for his faith, you may want to limit her contact with him by keeping her extra busy and limiting her time on the phone with him.

 

Also, it is not entirely unheard-of for someone to act super-religious but still do things you wouldn't expect them to be doing. This young man is 17 and might be interested in your dd in a s*xual way, even if he acts super-sweet and very religious.

 

I know he is the son of a friend, but please don't automatically trust him just because his dad is a great guy. He might be a wonderful kid.. but he might not.

[Annie G]

Genuine question: What does that mean to a Catholic and why is it alarming? We are non-denominational. If my ds had gone to a Catholic Church and said I crossed myself and prayed a prayer directed to Mother Mary, I would perhaps take it as a basis for a discussion of the differences but would not think a horrible thing had happened. More importantly (to me), I don't think Jesus would care that much either.

 

 

He had been there less than two hours and they had him repeat the sinner's prayer and considered him saved.  In the Baptist church being saved is a big deal- far more meaning than learning the sign of the cross.   And at the end of the night at AWANAs they had a group closing with all the kids and staff and they paraded him in front to show off the kids they had saved that night. He was five years old- I'm sure lots of five year olds can make the decision to repeat that prayer but not this kid- he was nonverbal until just a few months prior. He had no idea what he was repeating or the significance.  

 

I think Jesus just shook his head and agreed with me- that the boy didn't know what he was doing and that he was just doing what he was told. And therefore it had no meaning. 

[Liz CA]

He had been there less than two hours and they had him repeat the sinner's prayer and considered him saved.  In the Baptist church being saved is a big deal- far more meaning than learning the sign of the cross.   And at the end of the night at AWANAs they had a group closing with all the kids and staff and they paraded him in front to show off the kids they had saved that night. He was five years old- I'm sure lots of five year olds can make the decision to repeat that prayer but not this kid- he was nonverbal until just a few months prior. He had no idea what he was repeating or the significance.  

 

I think Jesus just shook his head and agreed with me- that the boy didn't know what he was doing and that he was just doing what he was told. And therefore it had no meaning. 

 

In this case, I completely agree with you and shame on them. Just know it was meaningless anyway. Your poor boy must have been rather confused.

 

[abba12]

I can't believe how, in this thread, this boy has turned from a young man who happens to like chatting to a girl he grew up with and invited her to one of his main social events (the scene for me and my friends for most of our adolescence) into a predator just trying to seduce her into the church.

 

Say no to the youth group, yeah, ok, I get that. But seriously? When I invited non christian friends to youth group it was because it was a fun, safe night out, a large social event that involved nothing bad or illegal, and I very much doubt this man has an ulterior motive of brainwashing her into a different church. Maybe the leaders do, so don't send her, but you said he was a nice kid, so, assume he actually IS a nice kid who just wanted to hang out with your daughter more regularly.

 

And, I suppose I've already made my stance on boy/girl friendships in my last post. This isn't the 40s. I guess I should inform my husband he needs to begin being jealous because I spend hours a day chatting over facebook with another man I have little, materialisticly, in common with. Or, you know, I could just continue communicating with my husband honestly as I did at the beginning about my friendships and what they mean to me. And boy, I must have been hated by half the girls I knew as a teen, because I was always hanging out with their boyfriends! There must have been all sorts of rumours about me and people breaking up because I'd spend regular, large amounts of time with taken men. Oh wait, there weren't, because there was no drama at all, ever. 

 

There's different standards in different types of friendship circles, and maybe this girl is the jealous type, or, maybe, just maybe, since the boy is comfortable with a female friendship it's because he already knows his girlfriend is a reasonable person who trusts him. Shame no one else does.

 

This thread just reminds me of all the judgmental ADULTS who thought I was a slut growing up because I would go camping with a bunch of guy friends and only one other female (and guess what.... no sex happened, but that's sure not what the adults around me decided in their own minds.) or because I would hang out with male friends at night and never female ones (and again, no sex happened). Those adults still don't understand how I can maintain those relationships now that we're all married. I guess it's generational, and I'm much younger than most of the people on this forum, but seriously, the world HAS changed, guys and girls can be friends without it turning into a frat scene from a teen movie. 

 

[QueenCat]

Would they do that without the okay of the child's parents (baptize or save)?

 

Yes! I've had several parents that I know in our church experience that with their kids attending the big Baptist "cool" youth group here in town. They were shocked that their kids were baptized during special services while at youth. And most of these kids had already been baptized so what happened was really wrong and rude towards these families.

[Valley Girl]

I can't believe how, in this thread, this boy has turned from a young man who happens to like chatting to a girl he grew up with and invited her to one of his main social events (the scene for me and my friends for most of our adolescence) into a predator just trying to seduce her into the church.

 

Say no to the youth group, yeah, ok, I get that. But seriously? When I invited non christian friends to youth group it was because it was a fun, safe night out, a large social event that involved nothing bad or illegal, and I very much doubt this man has an ulterior motive of brainwashing her into a different church. Maybe the leaders do, so don't send her, but you said he was a nice kid, so, assume he actually IS a nice kid who just wanted to hang out with your daughter more regularly.

 

 

I think people are responding based on their own negative experiences with the "come to my church's youth group" thing. I'm very wary of those types of invitations. If kids want to hang out, fine, we're good with that--just not in a context when there most likely will be pressure (subtle or otherwise) that a kid may not yet be ready to handle.

[Catwoman]

I can't believe how, in this thread, this boy has turned from a young man who happens to like chatting to a girl he grew up with and invited her to one of his main social events (the scene for me and my friends for most of our adolescence) into a predator just trying to seduce her into the church.

 

Say no to the youth group, yeah, ok, I get that. But seriously? When I invited non christian friends to youth group it was because it was a fun, safe night out, a large social event that involved nothing bad or illegal, and I very much doubt this man has an ulterior motive of brainwashing her into a different church. Maybe the leaders do, so don't send her, but you said he was a nice kid, so, assume he actually IS a nice kid who just wanted to hang out with your daughter more regularly.

 

And, I suppose I've already made my stance on boy/girl friendships in my last post. This isn't the 40s. I guess I should inform my husband he needs to begin being jealous because I spend hours a day chatting over facebook with another man I have little, materialisticly, in common with. Or, you know, I could just continue communicating with my husband honestly as I did at the beginning about my friendships and what they mean to me. And boy, I must have been hated by half the girls I knew as a teen, because I was always hanging out with their boyfriends! There must have been all sorts of rumours about me and people breaking up because I'd spend regular, large amounts of time with taken men. Oh wait, there weren't, because there was no drama at all, ever.

 

There's different standards in different types of friendship circles, and maybe this girl is the jealous type, or, maybe, just maybe, since the boy is comfortable with a female friendship it's because he already knows his girlfriend is a reasonable person who trusts him. Shame no one else does.

 

This thread just reminds me of all the judgmental ADULTS who thought I was a slut growing up because I would go camping with a bunch of guy friends and only one other female (and guess what.... no sex happened, but that's sure not what the adults around me decided in their own minds.) or because I would hang out with male friends at night and never female ones (and again, no sex happened). Those adults still don't understand how I can maintain those relationships now that we're all married. I guess it's generational, and I'm much younger than most of the people on this forum, but seriously, the world HAS changed, guys and girls can be friends without it turning into a frat scene from a teen movie.

I think you are seriously over-dramatizing the posts on this thread.

[abba12]

I think people are responding based on their own negative experiences with the "come to my church's youth group" thing. I'm very wary of those types of invitations. If kids want to hang out, fine, we're good with that--just not in a context when there most likely will be pressure (subtle or otherwise) that a kid may not yet be ready to handle.

 

I get that. So, blame the church, don't accuse the kid of actively having ulterior motives and spending time with this girl just to save her and talk about her being hurt when she realizes it all. 

[Catwoman]

I get that. So, blame the church, don't accuse the kid of actively having ulterior motives and spending time with this girl just to save her and talk about her being hurt when she realizes it all.

Aimee asked people for their opinions and they are providing them. Some of us simply want Aimee to be aware that this young man may or may not have ulterior motives. No one is suggesting that they know for sure. You don't know for sure that he is innocent, either.

 

No one is suggesting that Aimee warn her dd that boys are evil. We are, however, advising her to keep an eye on the situation so she can hopefully prevent her dd's feelings from being hurt if this guy turns out to not be as sweet as he appears to be, or if it turns out his only reason for wanting to befriend her is so he can try to get her to convert to his religion.

[MercyA]

nm

Edited December 23, 2015 by MercyA

[idnib]

He had been there less than two hours and they had him repeat the sinner's prayer and considered him saved.  In the Baptist church being saved is a big deal- far more meaning than learning the sign of the cross.   And at the end of the night at AWANAs they had a group closing with all the kids and staff and they paraded him in front to show off the kids they had saved that night. He was five years old- I'm sure lots of five year olds can make the decision to repeat that prayer but not this kid- he was nonverbal until just a few months prior. He had no idea what he was repeating or the significance.  

 

:svengo:

 

This thread just reminds me of all the judgmental ADULTS who thought I was a slut growing up because I would go camping with a bunch of guy friends and only one other female (and guess what.... no sex happened, but that's sure not what the adults around me decided in their own minds.)

 

I'm sorry that happened to you.

 

Gently, I think you lost the high ground when you accused people of turning the thread into something else (based on their personal experiences) and then turned around and did the same thing (based on your personal experiences.)

 

:grouphug:

[SparklyUnicorn]

I get that. So, blame the church, don't accuse the kid of actively having ulterior motives and spending time with this girl just to save her and talk about her being hurt when she realizes it all. 

 

I wouldn't have come to that conclusion because geesh I didn't even know people did stuff like that.  My thought was he likes the girl either as a friend or more. 

[foxbridgeacademy]

I'm not sure if I should (or *how* I should) approach this with DD14 more than I already have.

 

The other night we hosted a Christmas party for some of DH's old friends. Friends that he has known for 20 years or so. One set of friends has a teenage boy - who DH has known since he was a babe. 

 

Since the party, DD14 and this young man (17) have been texting and talking almost non-stop. We do monitor her cellphone, but a good number of those conversations are had in our presence anyway. 

Nice, nice young man. Him and DD don't really have anything in common, so I'm not sure that they will have much to chat about soon, but they seem to find things to discuss, lol. He's a soloist in his church choir, DD doesn't care for such activities; he's definitely Southern Baptist, DD is definitely Roman Catholic; DD likes Marvel, Harry Potter, and Dr. Who, this young man doesn't like any of the above; DD enjoys art and science, this young many plays football and baseball at his high school.

 

Whatever. We like the boy. He invited us to his church Christmas concert (he had a solo in it) and it was adorable.

 

He also has a girlfriend. Who is in his church youth group. They have been dating for a year and appear to be serious. 

 

I know I'm getting "up there" in age, but as a former teenage girl, I can't imagine I would have reacted well to my boyfriend talking to another girl so frequently (as in, a very, very large portion of every day and night).

This young man has invited DD to join his church youth group. We aren't sure we'll allow it, but for reasons I'm loathe to go into on the forum. With that said, even if we considered it (assuming DD made Mass every Sunday with us first), I feel like this is asking for drama.

 

DD doesn't see the big deal. She considers them friends. Honestly, it could very well be that - the young man IS the type to befriend people (he was hooked on DS6 as soon as he found their mutual love for Minecraft). That's great and a-okay... but I'm also realistic. Most teenage girls I know wouldn't be happy with this arrangement (speaking from the perspective of his girlfriend, I mean). 

 

Again, I think it's entirely possible that this young man views this as entirely platonic and friendly... but I can't speak for his girlfriend - who is also in youth group AND is the daughter of the church's preacher. 

Just my opinion and what I would do in your situation YMMV

As a former teenage girl and the mother of a soon to be but acts like she already is a teen girl.....

I wouldn't get involved except to remind DD that if she's expecting anything more than a friendship she is likely to be disappointed and even if he does like her does she want to be"that" girl?  This is IMO a lesson that has to be learned and can not be taught nor protected from. I'd warn her and be there for her when everything falls apart.  Also the other girls feelings and how her boyfriend behaves are not my responsibility. Helping my DD figure out the intricacies of mixed gender relationships is (but in a totally hands off "I'm not interfering" way).

[AimeeM]

Aimee asked people for their opinions and they are providing them. Some of us simply want Aimee to be aware that this young man may or may not have ulterior motives. No one is suggesting that they know for sure. You don't know for sure that he is innocent, either.

 

No one is suggesting that Aimee warn her dd that boys are evil. We are, however, advising her to keep an eye on the situation so she can hopefully prevent her dd's feelings from being hurt if this guy turns out to not be as sweet as he appears to be, or if it turns out his only reason for wanting to befriend her is so he can try to get her to convert to his religion.

I do appreciate all of the opinions. It does validate my initial concern.

 

Deciding not to allow her to attend the youth group saves several friendships in this mix. The family would not have been welcome back in our home if, after pushing this "fun youth group," DD was "saved" and/or "baptized" - or even if we found out, absolutely, that the intent had been to evangelize. 

 

I don't think that this is the type of church that has incentives for bringing others to church. When I say it's a small church, I mean probably only around 30 families; the youth group is relatively tiny. It's very much a backroad church (literally, on a back road). But DD was already uncomfortable with the small amount of preaching that was done at the Christmas concert. When the loud-ish "amens" started coming from the parishoners, she started looking panicky. 

 

Just not a good fit. 

 

I'm not sure yet what we'll do about the young man talking to DD so frequently, if we approach it at all. I think we'll wait and see if it wanes at all with the "no-go" for the youth group, and/or when the newness of the friendship wears off.

I never thought that the boy was evil. Even if he did, or does, like DD as more than a friend, I realize that emotions (even at his older age) are complicated for teenagers.

DD had some serious problems at the private school she attended, and all revolved around feelings of jealousy - some hers, but it was largely that she was in an impossible situation that bred jealousy amongst the boys (only girl, all boys otherwise, at an age when they start to notice each other). I do not, will not, cannot, put her back into a situation where she thinks she's making friends, but there could be a sudden storm of drama, anger, whatever. And if the intent here isn't to evangelize, he does like her as more than a friend. I did mention (vaguely) that there had been a few comments he made that made that rather a certainty for us. He's either really, really, really trying to bring her to church, or he is flirting. 

Edited December 24, 2015 by AimeeM

[Catwoman]

I do appreciate all of the opinions. It does validate my initial concern.

 

Deciding not to allow her to attend the youth group saves several friendships in this mix. The family would not have been welcome back in our home if, after pushing this "fun youth group," DD was "saved" and/or "baptized" - or even if we found out, absolutely, that the intent had been to evangelize.

 

I don't think that this is the type of church that has incentives for bringing others to church. When I say it's a small church, I mean probably only around 30 families; the youth group is relatively tiny. It's very much a backroad church (literally, on a back road). But DD was already uncomfortable with the small amount of preaching that was done at the Christmas concert. When the loud-ish "amens" started coming from the parishoners, she started looking panicky.

 

Just not a good fit.

 

I'm not sure yet what we'll do about the young man talking to DD so frequently, if we approach it at all. I think we'll wait and see if it wanes at all with the "no-go" for the youth group, and/or when the newness of the friendship wears off.

I think that's a very sensible approach. :)

[38carrots]

Yup.  When I was in high school, a Baptist friend won a VW bug for bringing friends to church and church events.  I think she had brought over 250 visitors to church in the course of the year.  

 

:scared:

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yup.  When I was in high school, a Baptist friend won a VW bug for bringing friends to church and church events.  I think she had brought over 250 visitors to church in the course of the year.  

 

Just when I thought the world could not get stranger.....

[KarenC]

I don't think talking to a boy is "making an adult decision". Nor do I think joining a youth group is "making an adult decision". And if the OP was Jewish instead of Catholic, her DD would've had her bat mitzvah already, meaning she'd have responsibility for her own actions, i.e. be pretty much an adult.

 

From Wikipedia:

 

"Prior to reaching bar mitzvah age, the child's parents hold the responsibility for the child's actions. After this age, the boys and girls bear their own responsibility for Jewish ritual law, tradition, and ethics, and are able to participate in all areas of Jewish community life."

 

 

That said, I said I think 14yos should *largely* be allowed to make their own decisions... not always in everything though. But, in less than 4 years the girl will legally be able to make whatever decisions she wants, so some amount of practice would be a good idea now, even if it might involve some drama.

Joining an evangelical youth group of a religion that she does not belong to is a pretty big decision that her parents should be involved in making.

[Peaceful Isle]

We don't do youth groups here. We do make sure our dds have plenty of friends, activities, sleepovers, movies, etc.. My kids go to our church and learn our beliefs, the older sings in the choir, the youngers are a part of a elementary kids club. 

My kids are plenty busy as they hit 7th grade. I am not a fan of youth groups. I am a fan of kids learning the Bible, and having fun with their friends, but I don't think they need to be mixed. It wasn't a pleasant experience with me when I was a teen in a youth group. 

Everyone is different though, so this is just my thoughts. 

Edited December 24, 2015 by peaceful isle

[KarenC]

Yup.  When I was in high school, a Baptist friend won a VW bug for bringing friends to church and church events.  I think she had brought over 250 visitors to church in the course of the year.  

A local church here gives out prizes to kids who bring the most new visitors to their youth group.

[Catwoman]

A local church here gives out prizes to kids who bring the most new visitors to their youth group.

I'm sure they mean well, but that kind of competition seems creepy to me.

 

(Edited because apparently today is my day for typos.)

Edited December 24, 2015 by Catwoman

[TammyS]

Yup.  When I was in high school, a Baptist friend won a VW bug for bringing friends to church and church events.  I think she had brought over 250 visitors to church in the course of the year.  

 

Ok, can someone point me in the direction of the church that is handing out cars for recruitment?  I could use a new car, and I'm sure with that level of motivation I can find 250 people, no problem.

[snickerplum]

My family is Baptist, my husband's is Catholic. I know there are great differences between the two faiths, but I did not know this great dislike between the two existed. This whole thread has made me so sad. Call me naive.

I invited friends to church plenty of times. I was never incentivised. I also attended church with Catholic friends. Now I'm hoping they weren't incentivised either.

Hopefully, this boy is just being kind by inviting the OP's DD, but I wouldn't blame her if she said no, for a variety of reasons previously mentioned. Like it was said, if his friendliness was an attempt to get her to come to his church and not genuine, it will show after declining the invitation.

[Annie G]

My family is Baptist, my husband's is Catholic. I know there are great differences between the two faiths, but I did not know this great dislike between the two existed. This whole thread has made me so sad. Call me naive.

I invited friends to church plenty of times. I was never incentivised. I also attended church with Catholic friends. Now I'm hoping they weren't incentivised either.

Hopefully, this boy is just being kind by inviting the OP's DD, but I wouldn't blame her if she said no, for a variety of reasons previously mentioned. Like it was said, if his friendliness was an attempt to get her to come to his church and not genuine, it will show after declining the invitation.

 

Dh was raised Baptist and I am Catholic, but we are respectful of each other's faith. Our families are respectful. Most people we run across are. But there have been some who felt me (or my kids) needed to be saved, as if Catholics aren't Christians.  

 

So while I did have what I thought was a pretty crappy story, for the most part people have been respectful about my mixed marriage.  But the few instances that were awful are pretty memorable. And there are a lot who feel Catholics need to be saved (reference Jill and Derick Dillard, in Central America trying to save Catholics) 

 

Don't feel sad about this thread- most people are respectful. 

[QueenCat]

My family is Baptist, my husband's is Catholic. I know there are great differences between the two faiths, but I did not know this great dislike between the two existed. This whole thread has made me so sad. Call me naive.

 

 

I don't know that it goes both ways............. but I know of at least two youth leaders, at two different Southern Baptist churches, who taught their youth that Catholics are cannibals due to their view of the communion elements. It became a real problem for one high school principal when those youth bullied a few Catholic students on the matter.

[teachermom2834]

I feel like I need, as a Catholic, to jump in a defend my Baptist friends here a bit.  While I would not send my kids to a youth group activity at a Baptist church until they were older teens, I do have lovely Baptist friends who have never tried to convert me.  At all.  Two very dear homeschool mom friends and several neighbors, all Baptist, are just wonderful to us with no effort to convert.  One of my boys is dating a girl who is Baptist and we get along great with the family.  With these friends there seems to be a genuine respect that we all love Jesus and are trying to live out our faith.  

 

We have had the rejection, as well, but there is another side.  

[ThisIsTheDay]

"offer incentives for inviting friends (ranging from pizza to extravagant praise to ipods!"

 

this. Neighbor said their boy would earn points (or something) for bringing in a new kid.

 

Your earlier post had been in the context of AWANA, I believe.  Yes, there is a workbook in AWANA, and you do get "points" (can't remember what they are called) for bringing a friend.

 

That was how my kids got active in AWANA, by being invited by friends.  But it worked out well, since it meshed with our beliefs.

[TammyS]

My family is Baptist, my husband's is Catholic. I know there are great differences between the two faiths, but I did not know this great dislike between the two existed. This whole thread has made me so sad. Call me naive.

I invited friends to church plenty of times. I was never incentivised. I also attended church with Catholic friends. Now I'm hoping they weren't incentivised either.

Hopefully, this boy is just being kind by inviting the OP's DD, but I wouldn't blame her if she said no, for a variety of reasons previously mentioned. Like it was said, if his friendliness was an attempt to get her to come to his church and not genuine, it will show after declining the invitation.

 

I'm Catholic.  Anti-Catholicism has a long history in our country, and varies with time and region.

 

In fairness to the boy, though, even if his friendliness is because he wants her to go to his church, that may (in his mind) be a sign of friendliness/kindness, because if he views her as part of an idolatrous/pagan religion (as some protestants do view Catholics), then in his mind he is doing a good thing for her.

[Valley Girl]

I feel like I need, as a Catholic, to jump in a defend my Baptist friends here a bit.  While I would not send my kids to a youth group activity at a Baptist church until they were older teens, I do have lovely Baptist friends who have never tried to convert me.  At all.  Two very dear homeschool mom friends and several neighbors, all Baptist, are just wonderful to us with no effort to convert.  One of my boys is dating a girl who is Baptist and we get along great with the family.  With these friends there seems to be a genuine respect that we all love Jesus and are trying to live out our faith.  

 

We have had the rejection, as well, but there is another side.  

 

I agree--it really depends on the person. I have Baptist friends for whom it's not an issue or even a topic of conversation. But there's also the soccer mom with whom I was becoming friendly who, upon finding out we were Catholic (in answer to the inevitable "What church do you go to?" question) gave a weird, nervous laugh and told me "Well, it's the same God, I guess." No kidding, Sherlock. Thereafter, she always stayed on a different edge of the field. So it's not everybody, but those weird encounters do stay in your mind.

[zoobie]

It's definitely not ALL Southern Baptist members. My parents are, and they don't try to convert their Jewish or Catholic friends. It's about the church itself. The church is evangelical. It does not align with Catholic doctrine. Aimee said her DD was uncomfortable with the evangelical bent in a Christmas program, and it's reasonable to tell her that any activity will have the same flavor. The boy may or may not be trying to convert her DD, but the *church* certainly will. That's its raison d'être. They're not dragging people off the street by their hair, but a repeat visitor to an evangelical church is opening herself up to hearing what they're selling. The SBC passed a resolution in the 1990s to say that Catholics are Christians, but the official seminary doctrine teaches that the Pope is a false leader and it's a false church. Individual members may not understand or follow or share witness based on all church doctrine. Southern Baptists aren't going to send their kids to CCD either. It's okay to have differing beliefs and teach your kids whatever you believe. I wouldn't send my 14 yo DD to a church with the boy in this situation either. It's not anything against the individual members of a church.

Edited December 24, 2015 by zoobie

[katilac]

I don't think talking to a boy is "making an adult decision". Nor do I think joining a youth group is "making an adult decision". And if the OP was Jewish instead of Catholic, her DD would've had her bat mitzvah already, meaning she'd have responsibility for her own actions, i.e. be pretty much an adult.

 

 

Many Catholics actually are confirmed at 13/14 (some areas have moved to 17), which is the equivalent to bat or bar mitzvah. In both cases, it refers to being responsible for your own actions within the faith. It has nothing to do with making all of your own decisions and does not make you an adult in all areas of life. 

 

In spite of the traditional "today I am a man" phrasing, bar mitzvah never had the meaning of being a completely independent adult, not even in bygone days. Here is one source that clarifies: http://www.jewfaq.org/barmitz.htm

 

 

I can't believe how, in this thread, this boy has turned from a young man who happens to like chatting to a girl he grew up with and invited her to one of his main social events (the scene for me and my friends for most of our adolescence) into a predator just trying to seduce her into the church.

 

Say no to the youth group, yeah, ok, I get that. But seriously? When I invited non christian friends to youth group it was because it was a fun, safe night out, a large social event that involved nothing bad or illegal, and I very much doubt this man has an ulterior motive of brainwashing her into a different church. Maybe the leaders do, so don't send her, but you said he was a nice kid, so, assume he actually IS a nice kid who just wanted to hang out with your daughter more regularly.

 

<snip>

 

I think you're jumbling together a lot of different feelings and topics and overreacting. 

 

I was probably one of the strongest warners about the potential motives and dangers of certain youth groups, but I certainly didn't say this young man was a predator. Even if the youth group is one that uses unsavory tactics, I consider that the fault of the adults and church leaders running it, not the teen members. 

 

Either way, you cannot discount the fact that some youth groups do use (and teach the teens to use) what I consider inappropriate strategies. Even if you discount the numerous personal experiences posters have recounted, all you have to do is google some of the examples I gave in a prior post to see that many youth groups openly embrace these tactics. 

 

I am sure your motives may have been just for your friends to have fun, but those were not the motives of your youth group leaders. Because that is not the point of a religious youth group. 

 

And they did not grow up together - the teen grew up knowing the OP's husband. They may have met before, I don't remember, but clearly all this attention suddenly started after the recent party. I'm not saying, omg, yes, he is a predator who is purposefully grooming her for conversion! but the situation has all the hallmarks of a classic lovebomb, and it's not maligning the young man to consider and be wary of that possibility (along with the concern that he is rather too old to be showering quite so much attention on a 14-yr-old girl). 

[Guest2]

We have been in a similar situation. My daughter does go with her Protestant friend and family for devotionals that are monthly. I trust the Mom and dont think they would put my Catholic daughter on the spot...mostly they don't seem to be evangelizing . We do lots of discussing afterwards.

 

We have have had friends in different denominations, but have had some awkard situations like being invited to a reformation party. There have definitelyhave been people who treated us differently when finding out the church we attended was Catholic .not letting their kids not play with mine, say rude things, ect. In general we don't run onto this, and discuss religious ed , and history with our kids frequently, and stress the commonalities between the denominations . We focus on the love.

 

Many times youth groups are on the same night for different churches(Wednesdays around here) maybe they meet on the same night? Even if you decide it is not for your family, it would give you some delay time in which she might not continue asking.since you would still be "checking out your home church youth group."

 

If you freely discuss most things with your daughter, I might let her go to his church youth group. I have three teenageers, so I am sort of immune to the drama. I have seen too many Catholic family members and friends that leave the church and aren't comfortable enough to go to a Protestant church, so just stop being in a community of Christians. They seem bitter and unhappy... They aren't atheists or agnostics so they don't fit in with those groups., but feel lost...and angry. I rather like my kids knowing their faith, and also meeting new people in hopefully a wholesome atmosphere..(youth groups at all chuches need to be investigated by you...many are really not what you would think they are). Good luck!

 

Edited for spelling..again

Edited December 24, 2015 by Silver Brook

[Guest2]

We have been in a similar situation. My daughter does go with her Protestant friend and family for devotionals that are monthly. I trust the Mom and dont think they would put my Catholic daughter on the spot...mostly they don't seem to be

Evangelizing. We do lots of discussing afterwards.

 

We have have had friends in different denominations, but have had some awkard situations like being invited to a reformation party. There have difinitely been people who treated us differently when finding out the church we attended was Catholic .not letting their kids not play with mine, say rude things, ect. In general we don't run onto this, and discuss religious ed , and history with our kids frequently, and stress the commonalities between the denominations . We focus on the love.

 

Many times youth groups are on the same night for different churches(Wednesdays around here) maybe they meet on the same night? Even if you decide it is not for your family, it would give you some delay time in which she might not continue asking.since you would still be "checking out your home church youth group."

 

If you freely discuss most things with your daughter, I might let her go to his church youth group. I have three teenageers, so i am sort of immune to the drama. I have seen too many Catholic family members and friends that leave the church and aren't comfortable enough to go to a Protestant church, so just stop being in a community of Christians. They seem bitter and unhappy... They aren't atheists or agnostics so they don't fit in with those groups., but feel lost...and angry. I rather like my kids knowing their faith, and also meeting new people in hopefully a wholesome atmosphere..(youth groups at all chuches need to be investigated by you...many are really not what I thought they were.)Good luck!