Helping a boy understand it's ok to be wrong or not know?

[chilliepepper]

This is inspired by a recent thread about coping with stress and frustration...I would like to know prevent/minimize the frustration in the first place in situations where it doesn't seem reasonable to become frustrated so easily. I have a boy who will get extremely frustrated and emotional the minute he finds out that he did something wrong or got a wrong answer. This presents itself most often in the following contexts:

 

Math: Either when he doesn't immediately know how to do a problem or finds out that he THOUGHT he knew how to do it and actually didn't. Or, when he gets an answer wrong. It's that incredulous, high pitched "What?" that I'm sure most parents hear from their kids on a regular basis. Do you think I need to switch him to an even lower grade level to build his confidence? He's in 4thish 5th grade and we are doing Beast Academy 3rd grade---so to ease back a grade level would mean switching curricula since BA doesn't have 2nd grade yet.

 

Piano: When he can't immediately play a song the first time he looks at it. When he doesn't know what a note is the second he sees it (he's got some natural talent but is a beginner at sight reading)...and he somehow tries to blame me or something external for the fact that he doesn't know the note, or tries to express that it's unfair that he needs to be able to read the note. I'm trying to help him understand that when he doesn't know something, no one is blaming him and he doesn't need to shift blame because there is no blame to shift. Yet he does it anyway. And within a matter of seconds, he can have an almost-visible dark cloud around his head, crocodile tears coming out of his eyes, and the appearance that smoke's going to start issuing from his ears any second.

 

Typing: When he makes mistakes. Red face...shaking...holding breath...tears.

 

XtraMath: Don't even get me started. We have given up on that one.

 

The common thread seems to be that he thinks that he should be able to know/do things without any work or practice. He's a talented guy, and there are a lot of things he CAN do without working very hard. But he needs to understand that with most things, we are not born with the ability to do them perfectly and PRACTICE is necessary.

 

Are there any books, stories, shows, movies or pep talks that could help with this? Any other suggestions?

 

Thanks!

 

 

[Guest]

DS never reacted quite that bad, but I did find that he had to be taught how to deal with something he didn't know.  For example, in math, I gave him a poster with strategies (Look for a pattern? Math words? along those lines).  Piano and violin get the same thing....Also, now that I'm thinking about it, if it is OK with his teacher, cut up the piano songs (copies, of course) into appropriate phrases so that he can only work on one section at a time. That might help.

Before you even hand him a problem or a piece, tell him you are going to walk him through it together.  Don't actually do any work, but brainstorm and when he starts to go off track, bring him back by showing him how to incorporate the strategies.

 

 

[lacell]

My son has been like this for as long as we remember. Even as a toddler, he would not perform any skill in front of anyone until he had perfected it. If I came into the room and saw him dancing to a song, he would stop immediately. I have discovered that he does his best independent work at a desk alone in his room with a door closed. It seems strange to me, but works for him.

[Clear Creek]

My youngest is very much like this. I have to remind him that the reason the math problem/piano song/cursive letter is in the book is because everyone who uses it doesn't know it yet so it is there to be practiced! He somehow gets it in his head that he should already know it, so reassuring him that it is expected that he *not* know it yet can be very helpful. Sometimes I have to tell him that I expect a wrong answer or a wrong note the first time before he will relax enough to make an attempt. It sounds counterintuitive, but he needs to be reminded that I don't have expectations of perfection, just expectations of attempts to learn.

[strawberryjam]

Look into Giftedness. This is a very common trait with Gifted kids. I found the website "SENG" to have very helpful articles. You can find it here: sengifted.org 

[Ellie]

Girls can behave like this, as well. :-) It's a perfectionist thing, usually a first-born characteristic (going by Dr. Kevin Lehman's definition of "first born"). It takes some of us many years to be able to handle not doing everything RIGHT the first time (and every time).

[KSinNS]

I must say, BA and AOPS have really helped with this. I remind them up front that the questions are hard, help liberally, and model getting them wrong. The best moment for making the point was when S and his Dad, the math prof, worked on a question forever, and came to me for help. Knowing that sometimes even daddy struggles really helps. He's see the reverse too, many times.

 

Ditto with the music. Remind him to deep breathe, and that everyone would do this if it was easy. If he can laugh at himself, a Don Music video can make the point (from Sesame Street). It takes time to learn patience.

[Caribbean Queen]

He needs to buck up and control his emotions.  Comforting a drama queen feeds into the drama.  Pep talks and movies are not helpful.  Do not engage. 

 

When he starts fuming, say, "I can't work with you until you fix your face," then go on about your business.  He will come to you with smoke coming out of his ears and start talking about math.  Nonchalantly say, "I will not work with you until you fix yourself."  Then pay no attention to him.  He'll waste his time crying.  He can finish his work alone, or he can get one more chance to have your help after he gets control of himself.  After a few days he will realize that he can have a much shorter and more pleasant school day if he keeps the  waterworks turned off.

 

My weepy student never wastes time crying anymore.  One of my students is 80% better, but still tells me the rules of math should change so that his answer would be correct :001_rolleyes:.  He does math independently some days, and that is okay. 

 

 

[Barb_]

I have one like this and I agree this is a character issue, not an academic one. It definitely isn't a lack of confidence; it's overconfidence. I have used a similar technique as CQ mentioned just above with great results. It took me a lot longer than just a few days though, lol. I also bring to his attention how good it feels when he pushes through a challenge and SUCCEEDS.

 

Try this book:

 

How Children Succeed: Grit, Curiosity, and the Hidden Power of Character

 

http://www.amazon.com/How-Children-Succeed-Curiosity-Character/dp/0544104404

Edited December 31, 2015 by Barb_