Night Elf Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) I talked to my kids on December 1st about when to put up our Christmas tree. We didn't want it up too early so we decided on today, the 12th. My dd17 suffers from anxiety and depression and today is a bad day. She didn't want to put up the tree. I know if I do it without her, she'll have hurt feelings which will only exacerbate her depression. I don't know what to do. No one in my family seems to care it's the holidays. If I don't put up the tree, I bet a million dollars no one will say anything until closer to Christmas when they realize it's only days away and we have no tree. Because of their apathy, I'm not motivated to be the initiator, if that is even a word. My ds said he would help if I wanted to put the tree up but when I told him his sister wasn't in the mood he didn't care. So now I'm feeling blue. I can't believe it's 13 days to Christmas and we don't have any decorations out. Bah humbug! I guess I'll just not say anything. If we don't have a tree, so be it. I'll just give them their gifts on Christmas day and tell them to open them at their leisure and let me know if I need to exchange anything. How stupid is this? I should also mention I've been waiting since Thanksgiving to do some baking. Dd wanted to help me but every time I suggest it she's not feeling well. Baking was the one thing I was most looking forward to doing this season since our holidays aren't exciting anymore. This is one thing I can do without her and darn her feelings. I'm going to make lemon bars tomorrow whether she wants to help or not. I don't even know how they'll taste. With my luck, they'll be terrible. I'm going to the grocery store tomorrow and buy me a pie for just in case. UPDATE: I decided I wanted the tree up even if no one else did so DH helped me get the stuff down from the attic. Then I told dd and ds that I was decorating and they could join me if they wanted but I wouldn't feel bad if they chose not too. Both ended up decorating the tree and everyone was smiling so I'm going to assume they had a pleasant time. Then we had pizza for dinner and after I started the lemon bars. Dd started helping without me saying anything but I can tell from the look on her face that she is feeling bad. I wish there was something more I can do for her. I know what it's like to have depression so I appreciate she's making an effort. I told her I was going to watch a movie later tonight and she can join me. She likes the movie so maybe she'll hang out with me. Thanks for suggesting new traditions. I have anxiety myself so it is absolutely overwhelming for me to think about trying to find a volunteer opportunity. It was easier when I went to church but I haven't been a part of a church in 10 years. I like our tree. Even when the kids are all moved out, I will still have a tree, but maybe I'll get a smaller one than we have right now. I do plan to do some more baking though. It's something I enjoy doing. I really like it more when someone helps me but I would still enjoy doing it on my own. My MIL makes cookies for all of her children and their families every year so maybe I'll do that when my kids move out. :) Edited December 13, 2015 by Night Elf 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 My suggestion..... Put up all the decorations except the tree. When she says something say that you are saving it to enjoy with her. And I'm with you on the baking- bake early and bake often. You can always bake more when she feels better. Hugs! 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 (edited) We aren't decorating until tomorrow. We keep our stuff out until after New Year's though, so it doesn't matter that we're later than most people getting a tree up. Maybe if you start decorating or baking tomorrow she'll feel like joining in? Edited December 13, 2015 by Word Nerd 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jelbe5 Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Aw, I'm sorry. I don't have a lot of advice, but I understand how it feels when things dont go as planned. Having a son with autism has taught me to let go of best laid plans, but sometimes it hurts. One thing I thought of as I read your post is the possibility of you decorating your own room or personal space in your home if you feel that would brighten things for you. That way you leave open the opportunity of still doing the "big" decorating together if/when the opportunity presents itself. I think going ahead with baking is a good thing. Do it for you and, again, make it known you are happy to share baking time with anyone who wants to participate now or in the near future. Maybe beginning the task, along with some festive music, will get things going in the right direction. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UCF612 Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I'd pop on some Christmas music and decorate by myself. Skip the tree at first and maybe, hopefully, they'll get inspired by seeing it start to come together. Sometimes people just need a kick in the pants! Go ahead and bake with the music playing too. It might be what they need to start to feel like it is Christmas time. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Agreeing that you could just start and see who joins in with baking and decorating.Enthusiasm is catching, as is depression (as an attitude). FWIW, we haven't decorated yet, either. We will get a tree Monday and do what we can; it's the Year of the Kitten, so we are not expecting to be able to put up much! 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Julie Smith Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 This is the first year Dh has not pressed for decorations. The kids and I are enjoying it. He has always had more feelings tied to traditions and Christmas, and how things should be done. But compared to most not much, but more than the bs and myself. I personally have no feelings for or against the holiday, well other than Dh having time off work. We usually are only gone for almost 2 weeks of the month. One week in Quebec visiting his friends, and a week at my parents. Dh is now for the first time okay with us doing nothing at home. If you want to bake, bake, if you want to decorate, decorate. if someone every wants to bake or decorate with you, you can always bake more stuff, or decorate things. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Flylady talks a bit about this sort of thing. Do you know about flylady? Flylady.net. It was a website started by a normal person who never could keep her house clean, but she figured out how to make routines work for her and keep her house clean. She started her website to help other people with cleaning routines. Over time, it's gotten bigger and bigger. Anyway. She talks a bit about feeling like a martyr. "I'm the only one who cares if this house is clean! I clean all day and no one even notices!" and so forth. She talks about feeling forgotten at Christmas. "I get everyone presents and filled their stockings and no one took care of me!" She says that if that's your situation that the only recourse is to take care of yourself. Clean the house for yourself, not for them. Fill your own stocking with goodies for yourself. Sure, it annoying that other people aren't pulling their weight, but you can't force other people to do things. You can only control your own actions and feelings. So. Decorate the house because YOU want it decorated. Put up the tree and have the decorations ready for when your daughter is feeling better. Give her a deadline: "DD, if you're not up to decorating the tree by X, then I'll get it done myself." Bake to your heart's content. Offer for people to help and if they say no, then cheerily bake for yourself. Don't do these things to make others happy. Don't do these things to make them feel guilty. No no. Do them because you want to do them and for that reason alone. 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1GirlTwinBoys Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 If it was me, I'd do exactly whatever I wanted to do and wouldn't let the rest of the family's moods change that. I would have a great attitude about it and be excited for the holiday and just hope that me being positive would make others feel the same way. Just be festive and happy about it. You might be surprised how they react to it. :001_smile: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kerileanne99 Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 Baking: Can you make a list of your favorites? Than ask dd what she really wants to help with. Then you are free to bake the rest:) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 I talked to DH first. He said he honestly doesn't care if there is a tree. He does it because of the rest of us. That surprised me. So then I talked to ds again. He said if it was only him and me that wanted the tree, we should skip it this year. This doesn't surprise me. He has never been one for an outward display of celebration. He said he likes the tree when it is up, but he wouldn't care if we didn't have one. Last night as I got into bed, I got a text from dd. She apologized for not wanting to do the tree. I think she knows it was something I was looking forward to doing. I told her we could try again tomorrow. I talked to DH again. If dd doesn't want to put up the tree, I'm not going to say anything. We'll just skip it. It will be fine. I've been disappointed for the last few Christmases because with my kids grown, Christmas morning just isn't the same as when they were little. I miss the days of being so excited they couldn't sleep. They would wake up at 6:00am ready to start. The whole day would be happy with everyone enjoying the new toys including board games, and new shows/movies on dvd. Now, they wake up whenever they want, which is usually around 12 noon. They smile and thank me for the gifts, but there is no spark of excitement. So I guess I'm not surprised they aren't excited this year. DH says they might have outgrown Christmas. I don't understand how that happens. I'm 47 and I haven't outgrown it, and I only get two presents each year. I guess what I miss the most is seeing Christmas through their eyes. I'm baking today. My oldest dd and her boyfriend are coming over for pizza this afternoon. She loves to bake so I know she'll want to help. If she doesn't, she can sit at the table and talk to me while I do it. It will be fine. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 It is harder as the kids gets older. It might time to change traditions a bit. Do what you love and brings you joy. Your joy will be contagious. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 ((hugs)) Put up the tree. We decorate on a schedule whether anyone feels like it or not. (The kids always feel like it; so we decorate whether I feel like it or not.) I don't think you should skip the tree. And honestly, since it is something that you enjoy, I don't think anyone else should get to vote on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elegantlion Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I quit decorating a few years ago. I felt guilty, sort of still do. We set up the Thomas trains instead, Ds likes that. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JessReplanted Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I talked to DH first. He said he honestly doesn't care if there is a tree. He does it because of the rest of us. That surprised me. So then I talked to ds again. He said if it was only him and me that wanted the tree, we should skip it this year. This doesn't surprise me. He has never been one for an outward display of celebration. He said he likes the tree when it is up, but he wouldn't care if we didn't have one. Last night as I got into bed, I got a text from dd. She apologized for not wanting to do the tree. I think she knows it was something I was looking forward to doing. I told her we could try again tomorrow. I talked to DH again. If dd doesn't want to put up the tree, I'm not going to say anything. We'll just skip it. It will be fine. I've been disappointed for the last few Christmases because with my kids grown, Christmas morning just isn't the same as when they were little. I miss the days of being so excited they couldn't sleep. They would wake up at 6:00am ready to start. The whole day would be happy with everyone enjoying the new toys including board games, and new shows/movies on dvd. Now, they wake up whenever they want, which is usually around 12 noon. They smile and thank me for the gifts, but there is no spark of excitement. So I guess I'm not surprised they aren't excited this year. DH says they might have outgrown Christmas. I don't understand how that happens. I'm 47 and I haven't outgrown it, and I only get two presents each year. I guess what I miss the most is seeing Christmas through their eyes. I'm baking today. My oldest dd and her boyfriend are coming over for pizza this afternoon. She loves to bake so I know she'll want to help. If she doesn't, she can sit at the table and talk to me while I do it. It will be fine. Is there a new tradition that you can start? What can you do for yourself to feel the joy of Christmas? When I was in high school I used to volunteer with a friend at a place that served free Christmas dinner to those in need. No one else from my family did this, but to me, it made it feel like Christmas. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El... Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 This year I did a pinterest thing and made a tree on the wall out of string lights on command hooks. It looks pretty good, and since the cat would usually eat the tree's plastic needles and barf on the carpet, I win this round! Haha! I agree that you should do what YOU want to do. Your feelings in your post resonate with me. I can clean for myself; I can decorate the way I want; but I realize that sometimes what I want is for everybody else to be cheery and happy, and that is not under my control. Sigh. And you should DEFINITELY make yourself your own favorite cookies or whatever. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chalex Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 My parents don't put up a big tree anymore, but they have a table top ceramic tree that lights up and that gets pulled out every year. Maybe find a couple things that you love to put out? Personally, I wouldn't care about putting up a tree, but I LOVE my tree topper angel. She would be out, no matter what! LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I'm sorry! It sounds like you've worked things out now. When my kids were very young, we were pretty traditional about everything. I think that's nice, and it gives the kids a sort of stability to the routine of their lives. But I think it's good to mix things up as they get older, and even change traditions sometimes. It's good to be flexible too. It definitely gets harder as they get older! Now, I still love a decorated house, but it's gotten a lot simpler since I mostly do everything myself now. But I still love a tree. For the last few years (since our youngest left for college), I've gotten a live 6-foot tree, sawed off the end, dragged it inside, put up all the lights, and decorated it, all alone. Believe me, I had some very frustrating moments! But I get such joy from it after it's done! And now that our kids are grown up, I have hot chocolate and Schnapps instead of just hot chocolate. :) I remember when my kids were in their mid to late teens, it was nearly impossible to find a time when everyone could help. And, my husband was never into decorating. He's a very non-materialist person (for ethical reasons) and I really respect that about him. And he respects that I love Christmas decorations, but it has always been up to me to get the ball rolling. So, I would set an evening that looked the most likely to work for people, and we would just begin. I'd play Christmas music, serve hot chocolate and cookies, and most people would join in; some couldn't. I think everyone always appreciated it when it was done, either way, but probably none as much myself. :) Sorry it's been hard for you, and I hope you get some joy out of whatever you choose to do! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I would get the tree up with lights but only a very few decorations, if any. Let dd know it is holiday time, and when she feels up to it you look forward to putting ornaments on the tree with her. I would bake at least one type of cookie, perhaps her fav., and slipping a few on a plate into her room (if that is where she is curled up. My son tends to hibernate in his room when depression hits. He is bipolar, and when depression hits he just can not do anything. So I sympathise with you.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GailV Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I know various people who don't put up the tree until Christmas Eve. That used to be the way things were done -- tree up just in time for Christmas Day, up for the 12 Days of Christmas, then everything tidied up on Jan 6th. To a great extent I wish that we're still the case. However, our tree is up. It isn't decorated -- lights only. Younger dd wanted older dd to have a chance to help with the ornaments. (One family doesn't put up the tree until Christmas Eve due to cat and dog issues, fwiw. It's not like we know people who make these huge philosophical points with their Christmas decor. It's just more practical for them.) Our kids do a treasure hunt for their presents; Dh figures that out every year. Then we eat omelets and watch all the Star Wars movies. Bizarre traditions, but they've become comfortable. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I know various people who don't put up the tree until Christmas Eve. That used to be the way things were done -- tree up just in time for Christmas Day, up for the 12 Days of Christmas, then everything tidied up on Jan 6th. To a great extent I wish that we're still the case. However, our tree is up. It isn't decorated -- lights only. Younger dd wanted older dd to have a chance to help with the ornaments. (One family doesn't put up the tree until Christmas Eve due to cat and dog issues, fwiw. It's not like we know people who make these huge philosophical points with their Christmas decor. It's just more practical for them.) Our kids do a treasure hunt for their presents; Dh figures that out every year. Then we eat omelets and watch all the Star Wars movies. Bizarre traditions, but they've become comfortable. We do a treasure hunt that leads to their stockings, and the kids still want to continue that tradition even though they're older. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grantmom Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I know various people who don't put up the tree until Christmas Eve. That used to be the way things were done -- tree up just in time for Christmas Day, up for the 12 Days of Christmas, then everything tidied up on Jan 6th. I know! This is how we celebrated Christmas when I was a child. Advent was the time leading up to it, but then the celebration part was the 12 days of Christmas, leading up to Epiphany. You got your Christmas tree usually on Christmas Eve, maybe sometime in the week before, but then all the parties and celebrations were after Christmas, between Christmas and Epiphany. I hate that everyone is sick of Christmas by December 26, it makes me sad. It doesn't feel like Christmas yet to me. OP, I'm sorry that you are struggling. It is hard on loved ones too, when someone is struggling with anxiety and depression. I agree that you should take care of yourself and do things that will make you feel happy and cheery, while still continuing to offer your DD to participate. Hope it gets better soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AK_Mom4 Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I second the idea of new traditions as the kids get older. Once they got to the age where they would rather sleep late than get up early for presents, we started to change our plans. Now Christmas morning involves everyone sleeping late except for DH and I. We get up, turn on the pretty lights and drink coffee. After a while, DH makes breakfast (usually cooked in a Dutch oven) and people eat as they roll out of bed. We open presents late and then go out to a movie in the afternoon. Dd14 still wants things decorated for Christmas, but I can see that once it's just DH and I, we will probably only put up the lights. Mostly because it's so dark here, I enjoy seeing them in the evenings! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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