MaeFlowers Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 I have been having to interact with a particular person way too much this holiday season and its getting on my last nerve. First, gifts do not come with strings attached. I do not have to llike said gift or use said gift or wear said gift, regardless of who it is from. I do not have to use it the way you want. Or take a picture in it or with it and send it to you. Next. If I do not like said gift or my kids do not like it, we do not have to keep it. We are free to do it with as we please. We can return it, exchange it, give it to good will, or throw it in the trash. You also don't get to tell me who I am to give it to. When you give a gift, it stops being yours and belongs to the receiver. Third, If I like the gift and keep it, I am not required to keep it for a set amount of time. Once it is beyond usefulness to me, I am allowed to get rid of it. If that hurts you feelings, so be it. Things that have sentimental value to you may not have sentimental value to me. And, remember, it's mine now, not yours. I feel better. P.S. I am talking about regular gifts. A sweater, a toy. I would be much more flexible if it were a family heirloom or something special. 25 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zoobie Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Argh. Did my mother send you something? 27 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OneStepAtATime Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
momofkhm Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 I agree with Zoobie, but my mother. Di she send you something and not tell me? 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lllll Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 (edited) nm Edited December 15, 2015 by w11 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ktgrok Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 (edited) I am SO glad my family isn't like that. I may thank my mom when I see her this weekend, for never pulling that on me. Just hte other day we were cleaning out kids toys that aren't used anymore, and I felt a bit hesitant to get rid of (donate) a very expensive Melissa and Doug pirate ship she bought them. Then remembered that she would be the first person to say to donate it, and let a kid who needs it play with it. Edited to add: She always puts a gift receipt with EVERYTHING she gives you, so you can return it with no hassels if you don't like it. Heck, she'll go shopping with you if you want company, to take it back and get something else. Edited December 10, 2015 by ktgrok 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Do we all have the same mother? Actually, my paternal grandmother was really awful about strings and wanting (demanding) to see gifts used and worn. A present is not a present unless freely given with no expectations attached. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 (edited) I haven't had that happen too many times. But once... a person send me a homemade thing. It was a very nice homemade thing, a home decor item. High quality, not junky. But it doesn't go with my house. Anyway, apparently this person made and sent several other people similar things and posted a sort of passive-aggressive comment on facebook challenging people to post photos of their their things. It was so weird. It would have been one thing if one of the recipients had suggested it, but as it was, it was just... weird. I dutifully put the thing out, had my daughter take a photo and put it up on facebook. I know I did not have to, but it seemed a small thing to do, rather than be the one who wouldn't do it. Fortunately this individual does not live anywhere near me so no worries about expecting to see it. Edited December 10, 2015 by marbel 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 I'm glad to read your well-written vent because I have such a tendency to do this to myself! "I dislike the bowl Mary gave me, but it was a gift, so I guess I need to keep it and display it forever." Mary doesn't care, why do I attach all this baggage? I don't expect the same in return! Argh. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Yup! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 (edited) I am SO glad my family isn't like that. I may thank my mom when I see her this weekend, for never pulling that on me. Just hte other day we were cleaning out kids toys that aren't used anymore, and I felt a bit hesitant to get rid of (donate) a very expensive Melissa and Doug pirate ship she bought them. Then remembered that she would be the first person to say to donate it, and let a kid who needs it play with it. Edited to add: She always puts a gift receipt with EVERYTHING she gives you, so you can return it with no hassels if you don't like it. Heck, she'll go shopping with you if you want company, to take it back and get something else. My mom was a lot like this--very flexible and accommodating. We lost her and her cheerful influence far too long ago. Reading your post reaffirmed the kind of mom/mil I want to be. I really do want my adult kiddoes and grand daughter to love what we give them. If they don't or if it doesn't fit, let's do something else. To that end we try to do group experiences and give cash sometimes. Cash fits everyone. Edited to add...someone wise once told me to keep the love that prompted a gift, and feel free to donate the actual item. That thought really helps me sort through things. Edited December 10, 2015 by Happy 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaeFlowers Posted December 10, 2015 Author Share Posted December 10, 2015 It's not my family. It's my ILs. They are masters of gift guilt. Thanks for making me laugh about it! I needed it. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Just be happy you never received a large wax orchid made by your SIL that looks just like a penis. 32 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurel Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Just be happy you never received a large wax orchid made by your SIL that looks just like a penis. I'm actually kind of sad I've never received that. I had no idea what I was missing. 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Just be happy you never received a large wax orchid made by your SIL that looks just like a penis. Wax, you say? I'd hate to forget to move it out of the south window in the winter when the sun shines in strongly....just imagine what would happen to it. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaeFlowers Posted December 10, 2015 Author Share Posted December 10, 2015 My mom was a lot like this--very flexible and accommodating. We lost her and her cheerful influence far too long ago. Reading your post reaffirmed the kind of mom/mil I want to be. I really do want my adult kiddoes and grand daughter to love what we give them. If they don't or if it doesn't fit, let's do something else. To that end we try to do group experiences and give cash sometimes. Cash fits everyone. Edited to add...someone wise once told me to keep the love that prompted a gift, and feel free to donate the actual item. That thought really helps me sort through things. I like your edited to add! I appreciate everything they give us. I genuinely do. I know they thought about, took the time and spent the money. I always try to remember that. It just went beyond this week because I was guilted over two gifts from last Christmas that didn't even come from her. They didn't even come from people related to her. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 I had no idea we were related.;). My IL are the same way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Edited to add...someone wise once told me to keep the love that prompted a gift, and feel free to donate the actual item. That thought really helps me sort through things. What a beautiful way to think about it!!! :) 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Just be happy you never received a large wax orchid made by your SIL that looks just like a penis. :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: And at this very moment, many of us are viewing our own SILs with a renewed sense of appreciation that they are not crafty people. ;) 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
myfunnybunch Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 (edited) Oh, you've been dealing with my MIL. Just leave it out without moving it, and eventually she will take it back to her house because she decided you don't really like it. Caution: She may decide to do this with some of your other belongings also, regardless of who initially purchased them. ETA: She also used to dig through the Goodwill bin in the garage, and put things she'd given us back in our house, where she thought it should go. Sigh.... FWIW, my MIL has improved mightily in this area, and I believe it is a genuine compulsion that's not entirely in her control, so I try to offer grace, but argh. The gift-giving thing is just wacky with her. My poor dh grew up with the gift weirdness, and didn't quite realize it's neither normal or gracious. I can tell from year to year whether I am in her good graces or not, depending on whether I get something she chose for me, or something she picked up at a garage sale or was going to give to the mailman (and made sure to say so in my hearing). Eh. I don't care. I just smile and nod and say thanks no matter what. She's a pretty decent gal most of the time, so I try not to let the weirdness get to me. Edited December 10, 2015 by myfunnybunch 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Just be happy you never received a large wax orchid made by your SIL that looks just like a penis. Do you have pictures of this item? 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SparklyUnicorn Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Not completely related, but my BIL sends me the absolute strangest gifts. Thank goodness I don't have to open them while he watches me do so. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Evergreen State Sue Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 I do not obligate family members to keep gifts given by me. However, I would like to say from this gift giver's standpoint that when after thinking thoughtfully about what gift to give, and after receiving a gushing thank you note from the recipient about how perfect it was, and after feeling so great that you finally picked out the right gift, and then finding out within two weeks that part of the gift was given to someone else and by the following summer the other part was given back to you still in the box - it really hurts. That's when it is time for the conversation about maybe not exchanging gifts anymore. For me, as the gift giver, I'd rather not go through the process of picking something out and spending money on someone when it isn't well received. I'm totally okay with not gift giving or receiving - it's not one of my love languages. For other people whose gifts are their love language, I suppose it would be difficult to give up exchanging gifts. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tsuga Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 I am SO glad my family isn't like that. I may thank my mom when I see her this weekend, for never pulling that on me. Just hte other day we were cleaning out kids toys that aren't used anymore, and I felt a bit hesitant to get rid of (donate) a very expensive Melissa and Doug pirate ship she bought them. Then remembered that she would be the first person to say to donate it, and let a kid who needs it play with it. Edited to add: She always puts a gift receipt with EVERYTHING she gives you, so you can return it with no hassels if you don't like it. Heck, she'll go shopping with you if you want company, to take it back and get something else. Ditto! We are so lucky. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Do you have pictures of this item? Alas, no. I am not actually sure what happened to it, I haven't seen it in years. The weirdest thing was, it was green on the outside. So it was like a sort of giant leprechaun pizzel. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 I haven't had that happen too many times. But once... a person send me a homemade thing. It was a very nice homemade thing, a home decor item. High quality, not junky. But it doesn't go with my house. Anyway, apparently this person made and sent several other people similar things and posted a sort of passive-aggressive comment on facebook challenging people to post photos of their their things. It was so weird. It would have been one thing if one of the recipients had suggested it, but as it was, it was just... weird. I dutifully put the thing out, had my daughter take a photo and put it up on facebook. I know I did not have to, but it seemed a small thing to do, rather than be the one who wouldn't do it. Fortunately this individual does not live anywhere near me so no worries about expecting to see it. As a serious knitter and spinner, I will say that this is why I do not make things for people, unless they beg me (and often not even then). It's just not kind to pour so much energy into something and then saddle the "recipient" with the emotional baggage that the energy carries. Sorry that happened to you. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 As a serious knitter and spinner, I will say that this is why I do not make things for people, unless they beg me (and often not even then). It's just not kind to pour so much energy into something and then saddle the "recipient" with the emotional baggage that the energy carries. Sorry that happened to you. The gift was very thoughtful - it was just not something I could use, kwim? It just didn't go at all in my house. The real problem was being badgered into displaying it publicly. I thought that was bizarre. A sign of insecurity, maybe? The person who made it is very talented, nothing to be insecure about. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
waa510 Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Yup, could have written the OP. I find it beyond aggravating. It caused me to really hate any gift-giving occasion as a child because of all the baggage attached to it. There was always so much pressure behind gifts. And woe to everyone if I didn't show that I loved the gift *enough*. Here comes the rant of the gift-giving martyr who is never appreciated blah, blah, blah. This is why I hate the holidays. It's become so much of a tit-for-tat gift-giving consumerism bonanza that I just don't have the emotional stamina for anymore. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 YES!!! I'm lucky to have a mother who isn't like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plink Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Having flashbacks of my mom frantically scrambling to get us ready for a visit. "Grandma's coming over. Quick! Get changed! What do you mean you don't remember which sweater she gave you? You HAVE to remember. Find it. Now!" I really hope the recipients of my gifts never feel that kind of pressure. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hen Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 my stepmother sent you something, didn't she? :sneaky2: I finally stopped caring about offending her, it happens so much and I don't have the energy. Playing blonde helps...I pretend it's around somewhere, but I am such a bad housekeeper.... :driving: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 Some people simply do not have the concept that stuff is... just stuff. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 I have a problem with people selling gifts on-line right after Christmas. In my mind if you didn't pay money for it you shouldn't get money for it. Regifting or donating should be done tactfully and all gifts should be received politely. Including exchange cards is good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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