rutheart Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Since I started homeschooling, it's just been me and my kids at home during the day. My husband works from home one day a week, but he's working, so it doesn't really mess up the flow of the academics. Last month, my FIL died and it's become apparent that my (almost 70yo) MIL can not live independently anymore due to several factors. I know living together will be a big adjustment, but for right now my biggest concern is how we'll continue homeschooling with her in the house all day. How do I set clear boundaries so she's not interrupting all day? Ruth 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoundAbout Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 We have had my MIL stay with us for as long as 3 months at a stretch. My husband simply had a conversation with her before she came out: "Hey, just to let you know RoundAbout homeschools at the kitchen table in the morning so even though we're in a public part of the house its really important not to start conversations with her or kiddo until after they are done." This was when DS was a lot younger and school was short though. If I had multiple kids and was schooling longer I might have a little sign or flag or something on the table to let her know school was in session. Even though my MIL is extremely extroverted and a talker, I think she appreciated time to herself without having to be "on." Mostly she used the time to read internet news in her room or would take herself out for a cup of coffee. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 I've never been in that particular situation, but I did have my mom visiting regularly when she had therapy appointments near me and she needed a rest before she went home. I laid out some ground rules of when we were available for conversation and when we weren't. Since it was torture for my very social mom to not be able to talk to us, I folded her into our school day. I would have one kid practice reading aloud to her while I worked with another one in a nearby room. She also would go over writing assignments with them pointing out grammar and punctuation errors and discussing better ways to say things. Sometimes they would just go talk to her about something they learned about so they practiced oral narration skills in a very informal way. We also broke for snack with her. While it was a disruption to our rhythm until we found a new one, the relationships my kids built with mom was invaluable. So, I would lay down ground rules about when you need to be uninterrupted, but find ways for her to be included in your day. Will she be needing lots of assistance or will she just be wanting to be with everyone? Can you schedule some time in the day for the kids to be with her (under the guise of helping her) and you can get some things done on your own? Just tossing out ideas here. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prairiewindmomma Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Our elderly relative had lots of outside things to do: bridge, bunco, tai chi, bowling, volunteer opportunities. She had a vibrant social network and that is so important to develop. When she was home, we kept a basket of books for her to read with the kids and we played a lot of tea party and Legos and the like. She also spent a lot of time reading in her room and talking on the phone with friends. It was workable, not easy, but a huge blessing to all of us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MerryAtHope Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 Let her know when the kids need uninterrupted time, but I'd also find a way to include her (if she'd like that, that is). For example: Would she like to hear your kids read to her at times? Play a math game to review math facts with one while you work one on one with another? Listen in on read-alouds or join things like circle time or "Tuesday Tea?" Also, let her know when snacks/breaks are. That way she can join in and chat then. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethB Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 She could play my phonics concentration game with the 6 year old! Good luck. If things get tough, you could retreat to your bedroom or another area where a door can close for the parts of school that need the most interruption free time, for us that would be math and language arts. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 What makes you think she will be the one interrupting you, and not your dc interrupting her? That would be my main concern, as my dc would be exhausting to my mil 24/7. Definitely set up a physical domain where she can be alone to rest and have her own space, but I also wouldn't make her feel like she's intruding in your home. It's going to be a hard adjustment for her to be in a new home, and there will be need for respect and understanding on all sides. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 "Ok, MIL, let's talk about space in the house. Not just physical space but mental space too! For this to work, we all need to respect one another's space. Are there any times of day that you would prefer that we left you alone? How are you in the morning? Do you need rest time in the afternoon? What about evenings? Will dining with us overwhelm you or what? Us, the main space we need is from 8-1 at the kitchen table when we're homeschooling and dh and I need a bit of alone time in the evening, but we can do that in our room. " I would institute a weekly or monthly coffee date for you, your dh and your MIL for the first few months to quietly and calmly air any issues that are brewing. I'd make sure she had a comfy chair in her room and access to a television in there. Many elderly have a habit of watching television for a large portion of the day and I'd rather have that happen in her room rather than the middle of the house. Also, take her with you to the library so she can have good reading material. Perhaps she can read books to your kids and help with things like flashcards, etc. For sure it is going to be an adjustment, but I would try to not go into it with the attitude that she was going to disrupt stuff. The whole thing is going to be a disruption for everyone, MIL especially. So take your time, be patient and learn to approach stuff with a cheerful attitude. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Butter Posted December 10, 2015 Share Posted December 10, 2015 We lived with my parents for a few years and as soon as my dad is done chemo and they sell the house they are moving in with us again. My dad worked when we lived with them before, but my mom was always a stay at home mom/wife. Now they are both retired. We never had an issue with being interrupted. My mom had plenty to do. Sewing, reading, whatever. She did her own thing while we did school. My mom homeschooled me so she does understand how important doing school is on a regular schedule is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanikit Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 We are about to have a few moves that involve staying first with one set of parents and then another while still homeschooling before emigrating. I am also wondering how it is going to work. I have a feeling 2016 will be quite chaotic so have already decided that reading, writing and math are the priorities and there will be more than enough learnt with all the travelling and new experiences to cope. Nonetheless I have spoken to both sets of parents and told them I will be homeschooling in the mornings. If I have problems I may ask them to teach my children since 3 out of the 4 were teachers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
................... Posted December 11, 2015 Share Posted December 11, 2015 I've never been in that particular situation, but I did have my mom visiting regularly when she had therapy appointments near me and she needed a rest before she went home. I laid out some ground rules of when we were available for conversation and when we weren't. Since it was torture for my very social mom to not be able to talk to us, I folded her into our school day. I would have one kid practice reading aloud to her while I worked with another one in a nearby room. She also would go over writing assignments with them pointing out grammar and punctuation errors and discussing better ways to say things. Sometimes they would just go talk to her about something they learned about so they practiced oral narration skills in a very informal way. We also broke for snack with her. While it was a disruption to our rhythm until we found a new one, the relationships my kids built with mom was invaluable. So, I would lay down ground rules about when you need to be uninterrupted, but find ways for her to be included in your day. Will she be needing lots of assistance or will she just be wanting to be with everyone? Can you schedule some time in the day for the kids to be with her (under the guise of helping her) and you can get some things done on your own? Just tossing out ideas here. so wise and so sweet...love this advice... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lanny Posted December 12, 2015 Share Posted December 12, 2015 School work is the work of the students. That is their #1 priority. That is their job. The students must not be distracted, when they are studying. The teacher must not be distracted, when she is teaching. Your MIL will need to be silent and respectful of that, at all times. She will need to be somewhere else in the house. When DD is studying and there are other people in the house, the rule here is that she must not be distracted. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FO4UR Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 "Ok, MIL, let's talk about space in the house. Not just physical space but mental space too! For this to work, we all need to respect one another's space. Are there any times of day that you would prefer that we left you alone? How are you in the morning? Do you need rest time in the afternoon? What about evenings? Will dining with us overwhelm you or what? Us, the main space we need is from 8-1 at the kitchen table when we're homeschooling and dh and I need a bit of alone time in the evening, but we can do that in our room. " I would institute a weekly or monthly coffee date for you, your dh and your MIL for the first few months to quietly and calmly air any issues that are brewing. I'd make sure she had a comfy chair in her room and access to a television in there. Many elderly have a habit of watching television for a large portion of the day and I'd rather have that happen in her room rather than the middle of the house. Also, take her with you to the library so she can have good reading material. Perhaps she can read books to your kids and help with things like flashcards, etc. For sure it is going to be an adjustment, but I would try to not go into it with the attitude that she was going to disrupt stuff. The whole thing is going to be a disruption for everyone, MIL especially. So take your time, be patient and learn to approach stuff with a cheerful attitude. This. If you otherwise get along well, I'd also try and fold her into your day as much as reasonable for everyone. If my elderly grandparent were to live with me (b/c we do get along and she is kind and thoughtful), I'd ask her to interact with one child while they were waiting for a sibling to work with me. She would feel like she is a help, not a hindrance. And, it's a chance to build some warm memories when you may not have much more time to do so. Some things an elderly grandparent might be able to do with a child: Teach knitting or crochet. Listen to the child read aloud. Read aloud to the child. Tell old family stories. Tell old fairy tales...which might mesh with the above... Cook a meal. Play a board game. Talk about nature things...that might mesh with old family stories...answering questions "Why do the clouds....???" Work crossword puzzles, word searches, etc... If you can foster some good things, maybe there won't be much time for any negative. And, yes, set up some cozy and private space for her to retreat to when she is tired and needs rest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rutheart Posted December 16, 2015 Author Share Posted December 16, 2015 The reason I hesitate to include her in the school work is that she tends to be verbally abusive, and I don't think that makes for good learning. I wish we could afford to put her in a retirement community, but just paying for the cremation wiped out our savings account and we don't have enough extra income to support a second home, even with her social security money. I can't let a family member be homeless, but I want to protect my kids as well. It's a tough situation. I'll ask my husband have the boundaries talk with her this weekend. She chats almost non-stop, and can't even watch a tv show without talking every few minutes (and not about the show either). We've had one half day of school (i.e. doing half the number of subjects) with her in the house so far, and she interrupted a phonics lesson. She knew what she was doing because she apologized for interrupting. The question was not urgent, and could have easily waited the five minutes until the phonics lesson was over. I think she's just gotten in the habit of asking questions when she thinks of them because she had radiation treatment for cancer a few years ago, and her short term memory got really bad during the treatments. Once she's done with cataract surgery this month, I'll have a better idea if she'll be able to drive herself. If she can, I'll try to plug her into our very active senior citizen center, so she doesn't feel so socially deprived during school hours. Ruth Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Slache Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 Can you have a pen and paper nearby for her to jot down her thoughts? I have her issue as well so I text my husband throughout the day and he knows he can ignore me. We talk about whatever I've texted him when he gets home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 The reason I hesitate to include her in the school work is that she tends to be verbally abusive, and I don't think that makes for good learning. It's not really going to make for good communal living, either. I think your dh and you are going to have to be very clear and consistent with what is acceptable behaviour in your home. As their mother, your children deserve to be protected from abusive treatment in their home. Their well-being should not be sacrificed due to this women, no matter what the financial situation is. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dirty ethel rackham Posted December 16, 2015 Share Posted December 16, 2015 I'm so sorry that she is not a pleasant person. I agree with setting boundaries and enforcing the "not available unless someone is bleeding or dying" rule when you need to be uninterrupted. I would also move He## and high water to get her out of the house regularly so that you are not on the receiving end of verbal abuse. Pick one day a week where you can take her to an activity and you can find a library nearby to do some work with your kiddos. Your kids may appreciate a change in pace. You can have your husband talk to her about boundaries, but you will be the one dealing with her so it will fall on you to enforce those boundaries. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted December 17, 2015 Share Posted December 17, 2015 We've done this over and over amid my work and caregiving following surgery. I set a daily schedule noting when the kids and I can't be interrupted unless it's an emergency. That sounds "mean," but if they were in the classroom, the teacher would have a daily schedule. Why not me? I schedule time when they can participate in read-alouds, listen to piano practice, etc. Caregiving while homeschooling is tough indeed. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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