have you had a (euphemistic) "come to Jesus" talk with your teen?

[Miss Mousie]

I'm beginning to think we need a Fourteen-Year-Old Boys subforum...  :glare:   But until that happens, I will subject the entire HS forum to my stumblings!

 

I am feeling a strong need for a "get real" chat with DS, but I am completely at sea as to how to go about it.  I want it to be a real, productive discussion, but I'm afraid I'll lecture and nag and he won't hear a word and nothing will change.

 

I think the most important thing to address is work ethic.  I don't want to distract this thread with a lot of details in the OP, but of course I'll clarify or answer questions as needed.  At least for now, though, I'd like to get some general ideas about how to plan and direct such a discussion, with any tips or pitfall warnings anyone can share.

 

I'm just really nervous about screwing it up. :(

 

 

Edited December 10, 2015 by Miss Mousie

[prairiewindmomma]

Yes, he's in 8th grade and 13.5. We had it last week.

[Miss Mousie]

Yes, he's in 8th grade and 13.5. We had it last week.

 

Great!  How did it go?  Can you share any details about how you approached it or what seemed to work really well (or could have been better)?

[albeto.]

Honestly, and I don't mean to distract from your intent but rather to help out (really), I think it might be worthwhile to consider how this will sound from your teen's pov. If my kids were to hear a "coming to Jesus" talk that ended in work ethics, they'd consider it a manipulative talk. I offer this because I'm betting you don't intend for it to sound that way, and if you can avoid it sounding that way, you would. So honestly, I'd leave out the Jesus aspect to it and cut straight to the chase. Tell your teen you're genuinely concerned about his work ethic. You're worried that the habits he solidifies today will impact him negatively when he's older, and he'll have to work that much harder to accomplish what he really wants. Tell him you want to help him achieve his goals, and one way you know how to achieve goals is to work diligently, even when the core necessities are done. Paying attention to details, predicting and avoiding future problems, and learning how to show reliability with others will help him immeasurably.

 

Then listen to him, seriously, and help him brainstorm solutions to his problems. Help him learn how to steer his own ship. Now is a good time to learn what your stepping back while still mentoring him can look like. Now is a good time for him to learn to identify and find solutions to his problems. If he doesn't see this as a problem, chances are, he sees something else as the problem. Listen to what he says, and try to work on a solution together. 

 

Throw Jesus into it and I think it's likely he'll get distracted, and ultimately you'll be lecturing him and he won't hear a word and nothing will change. Theology leaves open too many opportunities to get distracted. At worst you'll have given him a reason to question his faith. Belief = work ethics? Too many examples of that working in the opposite direction for what you want. I'd keep them separate and work on the practical problem of work ethics. Talk with him about your faith at another, neutral time. 

 

 

[ETA: I do understand now this is not a literal expression. Thank you Hoot and Davysmom!]

Edited December 9, 2015 by albeto.

[Hoot]

Albeto,

 

A "come to Jesus" talk doesn't necessarily involve a literal religious component. It's a euphemism for a frank discussion typically ending in an ultimatum. Some people would refer to it as an intervention of sorts.

[clementine]

I might start out a conversation like 'Have you thought about what you'd like to do for a job after you graduate?  I know that's a long way off, but it might help us decide what classes to take/curriculums to use as you start high school.'    

[Davysmom]

Honestly, and I don't mean to distract from your intent but rather to help out (really), I think it might be worthwhile to consider how this will sound from your teen's pov. If my kids were to hear a "coming to Jesus" talk that ended in work ethics, they'd consider it a manipulative talk. I offer this because I'm betting you don't intend for it to sound that way, and if you can avoid it sounding that way, you would. So honestly, I'd leave out the Jesus aspect to it and cut straight to the chase. Tell your teen you're genuinely concerned about his work ethic. You're worried that the habits he solidifies today will impact him negatively when he's older, and he'll have to work that much harder to accomplish what he really wants. Tell him you want to help him achieve his goals, and one way you know how to achieve goals is to work diligently, even when the core necessities are done. Paying attention to details, predicting and avoiding future problems, and learning how to show reliability with others will help him immeasurably.

 

Then listen to him, seriously, and help him brainstorm solutions to his problems. Help him learn how to steer his own ship. Now is a good time to learn what your stepping back while still mentoring him can look like. Now is a good time for him to learn to identify and find solutions to his problems. If he doesn't see this as a problem, chances are, he sees something else as the problem. Listen to what he says, and try to work on a solution together. 

 

Throw Jesus into it and I think it's likely he'll get distracted, and ultimately you'll be lecturing him and he won't hear a word and nothing will change. Theology leaves open too many opportunities to get distracted. At worst you'll have given him a reason to question his faith. Belief = work ethics? Too many examples of that working in the opposite direction for what you want. I'd keep them separate and work on the practical problem of work ethics. Talk with him about your faith at another, neutral time. 

 

It's just an expression that means you need to get serious about this - take a hard look at what you doing etc.

 

[prairiewindmomma]

As we are coming to the end of 8th grade, he needs to decide if he is going to stay at home for his high school career or go off to public school.  I've laid out the requirements and expectations that I have for workload and responsibility.  Ds admittedly has some legit executive functioning issues, for which I offer supports and accommodations, but I've been blown off lately.  We went over his youtube history (ahem) and we discussed several areas in which is he not currently meeting my (reasonable) expectations.  We discussed the pros and cons of public high school at length and I was upfront about what I am and am not able to offer him here.  

 

I have real concerns about his ability to be prepared for adulthood at 18.  We've been discussing higher education options and what transition to adulthood should look like. Kid has 4 years left, you know?!!

 

We discussed some of the ways in which I need to improve as his homeschooling teacher, he offered ways in which he can improve and demonstrated a desire to remain homeschooled so he is working through a probationary period and discussing with me what his schedule might look like for next year.

[abcmommy]

I do not do this in grade 8, whether that may be 13 or 14.

 

In grade 9 my kids go to high school- one went to a K12 school (huge mistake- sub par at best; one to the large public local high school).  In the year before we do whatever they want- I explain that expectations the next year may be more stringent as they will not be mine.  I explain that school kids produce a great deal of written output.  

 

Then in grade 9 I say good luck.  I help a little as needed.  And then I say, hey.  Its a game.  Play it or do not play it.  Good luck.  Have fun!

 

 

 

 

 

 

[RootAnn]

I had one with my eldest DD a few weeks ago. I was not emotional & just laid out facts.

 

Hate to say it, but it didn't help at all. Situation is still the same here. (So, it isn't just boys!)

 

Best of luck to you with a DS. If you figure out something that works, I'm all ears.  :bigear:

[albeto.]

Albeto,

 

A "come to Jesus" talk doesn't necessarily involve a literal religious component. It's a euphemism for a frank discussion typically ending in an ultimatum. Some people would refer to it as an intervention of sorts.

 

 

It's just an expression that means you need to get serious about this - take a hard look at what you doing etc.

 

 

Oh my, how embarrassing!

 

Sorry for the awkward, irrelevant comment.

 

Yes, I've had this talk. Obviously, Jesus wasn't involved, then again, neither were ultimatums. They inspire one to feel the need to stand their ground, ime. We've had talks like this and continue to have it. We've been doing this years. In my experience, small, timely, helpful constructive comments are better than one big talk, especially as one big talk is never enough. Pace yourself, OP. But I'm serious about listening to him. You may think there's a work ethic problem and he may think there's a totally different problem that is actually zapping his enthusiasm. 

 

Good luck. 

Edited December 9, 2015 by albeto.

[marbel]

Albeto,

 

A "come to Jesus" talk doesn't necessarily involve a literal religious component. It's a euphemism for a frank discussion typically ending in an ultimatum. Some people would refer to it as an intervention of sorts.

 

I had to look it up.  I'd never heard this expression before.  

 

[clementine]

I do not do this in grade 8, whether that may be 13 or 14.

 

In grade 9 my kids go to high school- one went to a K12 school (huge mistake- sub par at best; one to the large public local high school).  In the year before we do whatever they want- I explain that expectations the next year may be more stringent as they will not be mine.  I explain that school kids produce a great deal of written output.  

 

Then in grade 9 I say good luck.  I help a little as needed.  And then I say, hey.  Its a game.  Play it or do not play it.  Good luck.  Have fun!

 

Not sure this is helpful to someone who will be homeschooling through high school.  If her son will be homeschooling next year, an 8th grade year filled with 'doing whatever they want' wouldn't be the motivation he needed to press on even harder the next year.  

 

Just my opinion - it's not a game and more than luck is needed.  

[Miss Mousie]

I have only skimmed the replies so far (will read in depth this evening), but I think I should clarify that DS is currently in 9th grade, and we will likely homeschool all of high school.

 

Thanks to everyone for chiming in thus far! 

[clementine]

If he has shown interest in a career, maybe have him talk to someone in that field or do a very small type of apprenticeship/shadow to see what it entails.  Sometimes hearing from someone other than the parent (at that age) is very helpful and more motivating.  

Edited December 9, 2015 by clementine

[freesia]

When ds was 14, we had many, many it seemed. Honestly, things got better this school year (15 in November). Some days (like, uh, today) I still want to pull my hair out over him, but he has shown remarkable improvement in work ethic. I am honestly not sure if it is age or the fact that we outsourced 4 classes. But he is even showing effort in the home grown classes. A 14 year old boy subforum/support group is an excellent idea! Wow! I was completely blindsided.

[abcmommy]

Not sure this is helpful to someone who will be homeschooling through high school.  If her son will be homeschooling next year, an 8th grade year filled with 'doing whatever they want' wouldn't be the motivation he needed to press on even harder the next year.  

 

Just my opinion - it's not a game and more than luck is needed.  

I have no idea what anyone may do in the future.

 

It absolutely IS a game.  If you are good at hoop jumping school will be your kind of game.:)

 

I was good at it.  1/2 my boys are interested in playing the game.  The other rolls his eyes and learns on his own time- autodidacts may or may not thrive in schools.

[frogger]

I had never heard the expression either and was baffled. Is it a southern expression? Just curious.

[prairiewindmomma]

I am not from the south, and it was a part of my urban vocabulary. Here's some etymology on it: http://www.wordwizard.com/phpbb3/viewtopic.php?f=7&t=22599

[AEC]

So....I was, at one point, that 14yo boy.  I clearly needed that talk, and my parents attempted to give it to me multiple times.  I recall all sorts of analogies about how I was a leaf in a stream being taken wherever the water wanted, or how nothing can stop smart people who work hard, blah blah blah snore.  

I had a long series of reports home, from 6th grade till the middle of HS that said some variation of 'Andy is a bright boy but needs to apply himself'.

 

The only thing that ever got through to me was when I could see 'why should I want this'.  Not 'how this helps avoid some bad result', but what will/can happen, that I want, that is the result of working harder/applying myself/being more self-directed.

 

In the end, you can't really motivate someone externally - you have to find what they want and clarify that what you're trying to get them to do leads to that.

[OnMyOwn]

We've had a few talks.  Mostly, I've tried to get my son to understand why he needs to do what he is doing and what it will get him.  He needs that for motivation.  We've also done a college visit over this last summer (after 9th grade) just so that it might start to seem more real.  The college we visited was very appealing to him, so I think that helped.  I plan to do another sometime this school year.  I've also talked with him about careers and what he might want to do.

 

My son's work ethic at this age is actually very high for meeting the deadlines for outside classes, but low for what I am teaching him at home.  Fortunately, at this point, he is able to take most of his classes either online or through a local coop. 

 

 

[HomeAgain]

We do periodic backwards talks.  It seems to be more motivating that way.

 

"So, kid, what do you want to do with your life?  Really, that's pretty cool.  Let's look up what degree you'll need.  These colleges are going to require, at a minimum, x to get in.  Let's break that down to each year you have left in high school.  What goals do you want to accomplish by your senior year to make this happen?  Junior?  What about this year?"

 

It starts to dawn on them that what they do now will affect them long term, and while it's not a perfect solution (hence the continuing talks ;) ) it does help get the wheels moving.

[Sebastian (a lady)]

Being 13-14 and a freshman/sophomore was pretty rough on both of my older boys.  Both of them have apologized a couple times for being hard to live with.  To be fair to them, I think they were also not really happy with themselves or how they were acting.

 

I think this age can be as bad as toddlerhood.

 

I don't know that I would have a real lay it all out there dictatorial conversation.  They are sort of prickly armadillos at that age and I found it worked better not to provoke defensive reactions.

 

What did help was having super clear expectations for school.  A list that they could work through.  A list that had an ending.  (In other words, if they did what was assigned, then they were done, not rewarded with more assignments.)  Outside deadlines (picked carefully, so the outside demands weren't for things I didn't care about and would therefore resent giving up time for).  Consequences related to the infraction.  For example, one computer spend several months locked up when a kid was found misusing online privileges.  We inspected work to ensure that it was actually completed.  I don't think most kids set out intending to lie, but often don't want to disappoint and don't want to get caught doing something they know they ought not.

 

Be assured that you aren't the first family with a teen who is an imperfect creature.  I have a hunch that it's actually most of us moms of teens.  But then we moms aren't perfect either.

[MysteryJen]

Oh yes. Several times at 13, 14, 15, 16...they never seemed to do much, but ds1 has admitted the cumulative effect was positive.

 

They rest of them haven't needed so many, but maybe they overheard the other ones.

[MariaT]

We do and did a lot of what HomeAgain and Sebastian did. Early college visits helped them visualize long-term goals, but at freshman, sophomore year, it is easy for them to get distracted, lose track of time, lose track of what they are supposed to do. As a freshman or sophomore, college seems so far away.

 

I often used these words:

"Part of my job is to remind you of what you need to do, so I am just doing my job." That seemed to place the discussion in more of a job review situation and away from being a mother-son argument.

 

"you are in charge of your education; it is your work that colleges will be evaluating, not mine." This reminded them that as homeschoolers we have enormous freedom, but with freedom comes responsibility. It places the responsibility on them (although I am helping them along the way)

 

I agree that freshman-sophomore year are the hardest, because they felt they were way too old for coop classes or being taught by "my friends," as they referred to other homeschool moms; they were only motivated in self-learning for their favorite subjects; they were getting tired of online classes, but they were too young for the local cc. Once they could take cc classes-- here you can start as a high school junior-- the self-motivation really kicked in.

 

Hang in there. You are doing a good job by reminding him of what he needs to do. That is part of our job. :001_smile:

Maria

 

[JenneinCA]

I had that talk but it was to myself.

 

It went something like. "It is the child's life. It is not your decision to make. He/she is choosing to do this thing and not that thing and while it will limit the choices in the future, it is still not your life. You need to step back and let the child do this. Now is the time to make mistakes. Now is the time to practice letting go. Really."

[JanetC]

Agree with MariaT: Giving many gentle reminders is better than bottling up complaints and then demanding immediate conversion and improvement.

[madteaparty]

Being 13-14 and a freshman/sophomore was pretty rough on both of my older boys. Both of them have apologized a couple times for being hard to live with. To be fair to them, I think they were also not really happy with themselves or how they were acting.

 

I think this age can be as bad as toddlerhood.

 

I don't know that I would have a real lay it all out there dictatorial conversation. They are sort of prickly armadillos at that age and I found it worked better not to provoke defensive reactions.

 

What did help was having super clear expectations for school. A list that they could work through. A list that had an ending. (In other words, if they did what was assigned, then they were done, not rewarded with more assignments.) Outside deadlines (picked carefully, so the outside demands weren't for things I didn't care about and would therefore resent giving up time for). Consequences related to the infraction. For example, one computer spend several months locked up when a kid was found misusing online privileges. We inspected work to ensure that it was actually completed. I don't think most kids set out intending to lie, but often don't want to disappoint and don't want to get caught doing something they know they ought not.

 

Be assured that you aren't the first family with a teen who is an imperfect creature. I have a hunch that it's actually most of us moms of teens. But then we moms aren't perfect either.

I have a soon-to-be 12 yr old and this must be one of the most helpful posts ever. I'm pinning it on my brain.

[Hoot]

I had one with my eldest DD a few weeks ago. I was not emotional & just laid out facts.

 

Hate to say it, but it didn't help at all. Situation is still the same here. (So, it isn't just boys!)

 

Best of luck to you with a DS. If you figure out something that works, I'm all ears. :bigear:

Same here, RootAnn. DS16 is a junior this year. I hate to say it, but I no longer care. He's a good kid with lots of potential, but he's absent-minded and doesn't really try all that hard. I've told him how it is and he still hasn't improved. He just sort of expects tho float through life and have things fall in his lap. Of course, it doesn't really help that this has worked out pretty well for him thus far in non-school pursuits. I think some kids simply have to learn it for themselves. Unless he comes to me, I give up. It's his life.

Edited December 10, 2015 by Hoot

[FO4UR]

I've had a few talks with my ds about what he wants to do when he grows up and how to get there. At the time of that conversation, he is motivated and positive. 3 hours later when it's work time, he forgets.

 

I gently told him yesterday when he wanted to quit in the middle of a lesson, "This is where the rubber meets the road." And he plugged through with an eye-roll.  (We like transportation euphemisms...so put the pedal to the metal.)

 

 

I'm listening in...I have a feeling we have a long road ahead and I don't think ps is going to ever be a good option for him, partly b/c of his special needs and partly b/c of our location.  

[RootAnn]

.

Edited December 12, 2015 by RootAnn

[Chrysalis Academy]

Oh my, how embarrassing!

 

Sorry for the awkward, irrelevant comment.

 

Yes, I've had this talk. Obviously, Jesus wasn't involved, then again, neither were ultimatums. They inspire one to feel the need to stand their ground, ime. We've had talks like this and continue to have it. We've been doing this years. In my experience, small, timely, helpful constructive comments are better than one big talk, especially as one big talk is never enough. Pace yourself, OP. But I'm serious about listening to him. You may think there's a work ethic problem and he may think there's a totally different problem that is actually zapping his enthusiasm. 

 

Good luck. 

 

 

I had to look it up.  I'd never heard this expression before.  

 

 

 

I had never heard the expression either and was baffled. Is it a southern expression? Just curious.

 

I also had no idea it was an idiom and took the thread title literally, and consequently almost didn't read it  - but I'm glad I ventured in. I have to have the kiddie version of this talk on a fairly regular basis with my 9 year old, so I have some serious trepidation about the future, and am listening with interest to how other people handle it!

[foxbridgeacademy]

I've had some issues with DS work ethic and time management abilities.  We are nearly a semester behind where we should be.  We talked about it, kind of a light lecture.  He waffled and said he might want to go to PS next year because they'd make him do his work..... I explained no, I'd still have to try to make him do his work and there could be hours of it daily (he has LD's).  He found the drive on his own to start getting his work done, he's doing 2 days worth of work in most subject every day for the last few weeks.  What I think caused this is not our talk, we have those regularly.  Instead I buckled down and wrote out every single assignment he needs to do to complete the subject and I told him if it takes two years or two months he's not done until all of it is done.  So no longer can he piddle and waste time until June when I give up and call us done. At the same time he's not waiting for me to tell him what to do, it's written down for him and when he marks off the last assignment he is done.  I also said we were going to do school on Saturday and Sunday if at least a weeks worth of work wasn't done by Friday, his weekends are sacred to him.  

 

So my advice is that yes sit him down and have a frank discussion but you also need to be able to give him tools so he can fix what's wrong.  I was awful as a teen at staying organized so a teacher suggested I keep a notebook with lists.  Simple idea that I had never thought of.  I made lists of the lists I needed to make and it is how I still keep all the stuff in my brain organized. 

[prairiewindmomma]

Late, Lost and Unprepared

Smart but Scattered Teens

The Paper That Was Due Last Week

 

I think the above books are great reads.

[KarenC]

Wow, I haven't heard that term in years.  It does bring back memories.   :laugh:

[dhudson]

I just had this talk with my 14 year old 9th grader. He is now computer free until all of his math assignments are caught up. He has spent 8-4 doing math for two days. He actually seems much relieved that I put my foot down and is fairly happy working away. I did make him a check off list (he loves lists) and I have to see the work done before he moves on.

 

His twin sister, who used to be the unorganized child, is baffled because he used to never get into trouble and she always did. Ahhh, puberty.

 

As a side note, I do say, "We need to have a come to Jesus mtg" and mine all know what that means. It's where the rubber meets the road and embodies the phrase, "If Mom ain't happy, ain't no one happy".

Edited December 10, 2015 by dhudson

[prairiewindmomma]

My kid woke himself at 7 and just finished for the day.

 

I did happen to mention I was going out for burgers for lunch.... 😂

[Bluegoat]

I don't have teens yet, but I myself was a classic underachiever.  I think the one thing that made something of a difference to me was going away to a camp one summer in grade 8.  It was at a university which was interesting, but the main thing was we had very little supervision - we were living in teh dorm and taking care of ourselves for the most part.  The sudden vison of real freedom was completely intoxicating.

 

I think a lot of kids at home are still in the mind-set of being little kids with parents taking care of them, and it's hard to get out of that. 

[Grantmom]

I am sure all parents feel that way at times, but I think we have to step back and ask ourselves, what is underneath those feelings of frustration?  Ultimately, I think it's because we love our kids, we want what's best for them, WE don't want to fail (because we subconsciously measure our performance by theirs, yes we do it), etc.  So, I mean, honestly, 14 is still a young boy.  He has a still-developing brain with very little life experience in the big picture of things.  So, I think it's our job to always be working with them, helping them figure it out, supporting them.  So that one day, they will have the resolve within themselves to figure it out when they are adults and there isn't anyone around to help them.  I don't believe that we have to force them to figure it out now on their own, or else they never will.  I think the opposite.  I think that if we help them through it now, show them unconditional love and support, that they internalize that and carry that through into adulthood.  I am sure it takes a really long time.  I consider myself a productive and successful adult, and yet I go through phases of having zero motivation, procrastinating about everything, and not being able to get up and go.  I have not written thank you notes.  I have ignored the dishes and the laundry.  I mean, I am not perfect either.  I don't think any of us ever really get there.  So, I feel like the best we can do is be on their team.  Even if they don't take our words in the supportive way that we mean them, I agree with the poster above who said they say "this is just my job".  I say that often too, when my kids are taking something I am saying as "nagging"  I will say, "Look, I'm your mother, I have to say these things, humor me."  

[Miss Mousie]

OK, I've edited the title.  :)  Sorry for creating confusion.  But, hey, at least I can finally claim to have taught something to the Hive!  ;)

[Miss Mousie]

So....I was, at one point, that 14yo boy.  I clearly needed that talk, and my parents attempted to give it to me multiple times.  I recall all sorts of analogies about how I was a leaf in a stream being taken wherever the water wanted, or how nothing can stop smart people who work hard, blah blah blah snore.  

I had a long series of reports home, from 6th grade till the middle of HS that said some variation of 'Andy is a bright boy but needs to apply himself'.

 

The only thing that ever got through to me was when I could see 'why should I want this'.  Not 'how this helps avoid some bad result', but what will/can happen, that I want, that is the result of working harder/applying myself/being more self-directed.

 

In the end, you can't really motivate someone externally - you have to find what they want and clarify that what you're trying to get them to do leads to that.

 

Thank you so much for this post.  The experience of one who actually lived through it personally (and made it to the other side!) can't be beat.

 

As to the bolded - if I had a dollar for each time I heard that comment when DS was in public school, I'd be able to afford every math curriculum out there! 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I don't have a ton to say.  My older kid will be 14 at the end of January.  He has his moments (and I have mine).  I think what is tough at that age is understanding what some stuff is good for.  And we at the same time expect a lot, but often give them very little freedom, choices, etc. 

 

 

[Miss Mousie]

I had that talk but it was to myself.

 

It went something like. "It is the child's life. It is not your decision to make. He/she is choosing to do this thing and not that thing and while it will limit the choices in the future, it is still not your life. You need to step back and let the child do this. Now is the time to make mistakes. Now is the time to practice letting go. Really."

 

This, too, is so important for me to remember.  I'm positive neither of us are anywhere near "letting go," but I did recently put him in charge of scheduling/completing his APHG syllabus, if that counts for anything.  ;)

 

The trouble right now, I think, is making sure he gets the information he needs so he can be capable of making more of his own choices.  But I have to do it in a way that he will actually hear, if not necessarily heed.

[Miss Mousie]

Late, Lost and Unprepared

Smart but Scattered Teens

The Paper That Was Due Last Week

 

I think the above books are great reads.

 

I read the first years ago, but didn't find much I could use at the time; maybe it's time for a review.  The third I have started twice but never got past the first few chapters.  Maybe I need to skim for useful bullet points.  ;)  The middle one I have hesitated to buy because of my experience with the other two.

 

Thanks for the recommendations!

[PinkyandtheBrains.]

I've had the talk with my teen, I just explained my concerns and why I felt x,y,z matters. He understands, I won't say there was any miraculous change but he does get it.

Edited December 10, 2015 by PinkyandtheBrains.

[Garga]

I'm just entering into this.  I was just bemoaning to some friends on Tuesday that it's hard to teach a kid without any internal motivation.

 

But then I look at my nephew.  He started visiting us on his vacations for a week at a time throughout the school year.  He began visiting with us when he was 13.  And oh boy!  He just wanted to laze around all day and have him buy us stuff.  We were like, "Why is this kid hanging around with us!  He's lazy!"  We'd ask him to take his dish to the sink and you'd think we asked him to get rid of a wasps nest for us.  "What?! Carry my own dish?"

 

But, he's family, so we kept letting him come and kept making him help out with a few things around the house (if you're here for a week, you take your dishes to the sink!.)

 

He'll be 17 next month and the difference in him is light and day.  He's getting himself into duel enrollment classes (he's public schooled), he's making real, solid plans for job opportunities in the future.  His dream is to get work visas in Japan and he's actually getting closer and closer to making that a reality. 

 

It's been great to watch.  I don't see him day-to-day since he lives an hour away.  But each time he visits once every 4 months or so, I see that he's coming into his own.

 

So, I'm hopeful that my son will get some internal motivation somewhere in the next 4 years.  (But it's still hard to watch him waffle and procrastinate...)

[maize]

Late, Lost and Unprepared

Smart but Scattered Teens

The Paper That Was Due Last Week

 

I think the above books are great reads.

This!

 

As a kid with serious executive function challenges, all my mom's heartfelt talks really did little good--I didn't disagree with her about what I should be doing, but agreeing didn't make me capable of actually being organized and motivated and on track. Talking to was not what I needed, teaching and scaffolding of executive function skills would have been a lot better.

[Rosyl]

I have a knack for finding my self in the middle of lakes in boats/canoes w/o 14 year old boys. It just happens, there has been no forethought to the consequences of such craziness. Lol.

1) both sides realize how much communication matters. Both rowers need to work together. Both need to realize in order to lead you must follow, in order to follow you have to lead. Mom finds out she can listen to kid and kid learns he can have freedom to lead and have decisions trusted.

2) until communication gets worked out, there is plenty of time to work out issues. I literally spent 90 minutes in a row boat spinn ing. He would not listen to me. The amount of teachable moments are amazing. My oldest was the worst. I shut up and stopped paddling. We spun. And spun.

Eventually we were able to solve how to get back to the marine, and understand the reason we have to make communication is 2 sided and mom needs to be quiet and stop paddling . This wasn't an object lesson for just the kid. I learned a lot. So glad the first kid I was stranded in the middle of a lake with wasn't mine. Lol

3) most of the times the 14 year old needs patience to grow out of his laziness and pain in the butt-ness.

Things don't miraculously change after a come to meeting, but there are baby steps.

 

You will survive and by the grace of God so will he.

Edited December 11, 2015 by Rosyl

[Gil]

Sigh...I had one with my 3rd grader.

 

I don't think we will (both) make it to his teen years in sound health.

 

[quark]

One kid, newly minted teen, so not much experience.

 

But these things are REALLY helping:

 

1. Enough food

2. Enough sleep

3. Enough structure/ challenge

4. Enough humor

5. Some very admiration-worthy outside accountability (if the wonderful music teacher asks him to do something, he does; if mom asks him to it doesn't always happen kwim?)

5. Some bribes (usually ice cream, a good book, or a good movie)

6. Some relaxation of rules -- trying to say Yes to more web comics because at the end of the day he could be reading something so much worse...so if Yes isn't really a big deal, I try to say Yes more often

7. Gentleness when he least expects it

 

Nothing much more to add and listening and learning from those here with more experience. Always suspected this is what come to Jesus means. Glad to have suspicions confirmed.