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How to talk to dd (16) about her weight, food choices and exercise


jen3kids
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 I mean saying, hey, lets look at the biochemistry of how some foods owrk in our body. What foods make us feel hungrier? What foods help us feel satiated? What does sugar do to our bodies. I'd make it about US, not HER. 

 

 

Actually, that's a really good suggestion for her to try.  Have the daughter keep a food log for a few days, and make sure she includes notes on not just what she ate, but how she felt after (tired, wired, hungry, full, whatever), just to help her develop awareness for how her body reacts to certain foods.  Sometimes, it's not even the "junk" but intolerances and/or eating the wrong things at the wrong times (like I can only have OJ after I have eaten my breakfast, if I have it on an empty stomach it totally gives me the jitters and makes me feel sick).  She doesn't even have to show it to her mom.  I'm not talking about making her accountable, just more aware of her own reactions to food.  Then she might ask her mom to make adjustments in the shopping based on this (Mom, turns out peanut butter is a good breakfast for me,  can we keep that on the list).

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I am constantly teaching my kids about good nutrition, so I would expect that if it's an important topic to you that you would be doing the same. We don't have anyone in our home that has weight struggles though, so no one would feel singled out.  I agree with others to make sure you approaching this as a family endeavor and not just singling out your DD. You can control what's in your home and what you serve and make available to your children, teaching them as you go, but I would think focusing on your DD's weight or body particularly could be damaging, unless she brings it up of course.

 

One key thing for being healthy and therefore not gaining too much weight (I know weight gain is much more complex though) is glucose control, which ktgrok brought up. I meal plan and enter all of our meals into a nutrition counter to make sure they are 1/3 protein, 1/3 carbs, and 1/3 fat, so each meal is well rounded and not going to spike glucose levels. Fat is important for lots of healthy body functions and keeps carbs from spiking blood levels with sugar. Actually, so of our meals are even higher fat than 1/3. I'm a more fat the merrier type of gal. ;)

 

Dessert should always follow a meal right away (not between or later because the sugar spike would be nuts then), and I try to make our dessert be the carb for a meal. So maybe, meatloaf, salad, forget the mashes potatoes with tons of butter/ghee that night but add a cobbler made with lots of ghee for dessert. In all honesty, I had been hitting extra dessert after the kids go to bed though recently, but I digress. :p

 

I know what you're thinking. Lavender Girl, you post about how sick you are; why should I take health advice from you? Ha! Good question. :p  The thing is, I felt so much better after making sure our meals are balanced. Like tons. And, the one thing I don't struggle with is my weight.  No one in my family is overweight. I could lost about 5 pounds, but everyone else doesn't have 5 pound to spare. They are athletic, energetic, and healthy though! Just lean.  DH is super healthy on this diet. He has absolutely no health issues. Neither of us have cholesterol issues. 

 

 

ETA: Breakfast: Soup makes a great breakfast around here and is lighter and gentler on the tummy.

 

Link for food calculator: http://www.fitday.com/

 

ETA again: Fat makes you fuller much longer and offers satiety that high carb and sugar meals or even low carb and moderate to high protein but lowfat meals offer, reducing snacking. Dh and I hardly snack and it's not because we're exercising self control. Ha! We're just not hungry between meals.

 

 

Edited by LavenderGirl
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Don't say anything more to her, and don't prepare healthy snacks for her. Don't teach her to depend on others to make sure she eats well. She needs to be responsible for herself.

I fought a lot with my dd about food. She has two chronic diseases, and I was really worried about her health. It got me nowhere. I should have just let it go.

 

Edited to change "dad" to "dd."

Edited by TaraTheLiberator
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  She has asked for a treadmill, so we are looking into that.

 

 

As someone who runs (and weighs a good deal more than your daughter), I offer two pieces of treadmill advice:

 

1. Don't go cheap.  Cheap treadmills are a misery.  Look on treadmilldoctor.com for info about models (specific models are more important than brands, all brands have good and bad models).  I have a Sole F63 treadmill, and it's awesome (though by no means the only awesome treadmill). Craigslist can be a good place to shop, though you have to be patient and wait for a good model to pop up.

 

2. Buy a TV to go with it.  Treadmills are boooooooorrrrring.  I only resort to the TM if it's like, hailing, or something.  Having a TV to watch while you run makes it much more tolerable.  A 20ish inch TV mounted to the wall doesn't cost too much.

 

Good luck.

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It is our obligation to treat our children - age and stage appropriately - with respect and kindness and care.

 

And, OP said:

 

 

The level of micro-management regarding food and movement for this within normal limits near adult - OVER BODY ISSUES has me nearly in tears.

 

 

Your words and actions do not match. They are counter productive.

 

 

Can you clarify what you mean?  What micro-management and how do my words and actions not match?

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5'4" and 145 is at the upper end of normal, so with a lot of muscle mass from lacrosse, I would not worry about that in my kid. It's not like she is not able to shape up for a pretty intense sport. I think it would be different if my kid were literally sitting on the couch all day but your daughter isn't at least part of the year.

 

 

I'd let it go and not force her to eat breakfast. Maybe a cup of tea would be better. She'll be fine. She's not hungry so she doesn't need to eat.

 

That said...

 

If she's upset that her clothes don't fit, and is complaining about it to you, I'd emphasize exercise over diet. When did your clothes last fit? Last lacrosse season. Well... maybe you need that level of activity to feel your best. Imagine what you could do if you trained year round.

 

If she says she doesn't want to then I'd talk about the tradeoffs in life. On the one hand, you don't want to do that level of work. Well, this is how your clothes fit you when you live a sedentary lifestyle. If you value that time of rest, then you need to accept what your body does while it's in rest mode. If you value clothes fitting a certain way, then maybe you need to make sacrifices of time and effort so you can achieve that. The important thing is to know what is important to you and to make healthy choices to achieve that. You can choose to relax for however many months of the year, or you can choose to make sure you always look and feel your lacrosse-playing self, but you can't choose relaxation and looking and feeling like you're working out. Although wouldn't that be nice?

 

There's nothing wrong with gaining 10 lbs on the off season, and many athletes and actors do. There is something wrong if you hate your body on the off season and aren't doing anything about it, and there is something wrong with thinking that how your body functions isn't related to the amount of physical exercise you're putting in.

 

She is the goalie, so she's not doing a ton of running, but she does get in a pretty good workout.   The rest of the year she does pretty much no exercise, except weekend practice and games.

 

I do like the conversation you recommend.  I really want her to make the decision to do something about it if she is unhappy.

 

 

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As someone who runs (and weighs a good deal more than your daughter), I offer two pieces of treadmill advice:

 

1. Don't go cheap.  Cheap treadmills are a misery.  Look on treadmilldoctor.com for info about models (specific models are more important than brands, all brands have good and bad models).  I have a Sole F63 treadmill, and it's awesome (though by no means the only awesome treadmill). Craigslist can be a good place to shop, though you have to be patient and wait for a good model to pop up.

 

2. Buy a TV to go with it.  Treadmills are boooooooorrrrring.  I only resort to the TM if it's like, hailing, or something.  Having a TV to watch while you run makes it much more tolerable.  A 20ish inch TV mounted to the wall doesn't cost too much.

 

Good luck

 

 

 

 

I found a Sole63 on craigslist for $500 - that's for the review!

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I would go easy on this, but I would try a few things.  My concern is that being heavy at that age can really get out of control in the late teens.  One might be a sport for her off season.  Something like roller derby, fun, team oriented.  Take her to  game, maybe.

 

I would buy prepared fruit and veg if you need to, nd find some tsty recepies.

 

I'd also explore the morning eating thing.  I sympathies, I'm the same way.  I found though that as my growth stopped, it seemed closely related to low blood sugar issues and also weird eating later.  I would try really thinking outside the box.  THe most appetizing thing I have found is actually something like a beef stew - maybe made with a shank, including the marrow and a good stock, maybe  few veg pureed in.  It can go in a thermos to take to school.  it's satisfying in a totally different way than most breakfast food.

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I found a Sole63 on craigslist for $500 - that's for the review!

 

Grab it!  You are highly unlikely to find a better deal than that!!

 

Just make sure you test it first. 

 

Take a pick up and like 4 guys (ok 2, would do, but 4 is better) to move it.  That thing is a beast.

 

You can find the manual online if you need to know how to disassemble it.

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I would not say a single word at this point.

 

She knows. She's 16+, she has the knowledge, y'all have talked about it before, so I don't see any great potential gain in discussing it.

 

I do see great potential harm in discussing it again. She doesn't want to exercise in front of other people, so she probably fits the pattern of teenagers tending to be incredibly sensitive and self-conscious. We can say things to them that we regard as no big deal, just the facts, but it's humiliating and horrifying to the teen. 

 

I would do everything I could to make the environment conducive to healthy choices, and leave it at that. 

 

I'd cut up the veggies and fruit. 

 

I wouldn't suddenly stop buying baking ingredients (obvious much? that would have humiliated and pissed me off as a teen), but I would try to find a few somewhat-better, convenient snacks that she might opt for instead. 

 

Suggest (and pay for) some fun, active outings as a family, with absolutely no reference to exercise. Trampoline place, climbing gym, picnics at the park - let her invite friends and they are likely to at least wander off at a leisurely stroll, lol. 

 

She may choose to not join in on family walks or bike rides, but it's still great to model them. And she may choose to join in at some point if it's a regular thing. 

 

I would let her eat what she wants for breakfast, including nothing at all. A protein bar can be eaten between classes as needed. I might offer a meat and cheese rollup instead of a sandwich, but I wouldn't suddenly stop buying white bread when that's what she normally eats in the morning. Again, obvious and embarrassing. 

 

good luck!

Yes, she is self-conscious and sensitive.  

 

I feel the same way about suddenly not buying the baking ingredients/white bread, but I can help by not buying the Costco sized bag of sugar ;)

 

She will know why and it will embarrass her, plus induce resentment I think, if we went cold-turkey.

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Could it partially be seasonal depression? I struggle with that, and it's easy for me to eat too much and not get enough exercise in the winter. I would keep offering healthy snacks/meals and help her get at least a half hour of exercise every day.

 

No, she just doesn't like to exercise for the sake of exercising.  

 

But, she loves the 2 hour practices everyday after school!  She enjoys the team and the fun they have together.  

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This is such a strange thread. At 5'4" 145-150, I'm a size 8. Nowhere near overweight or at risk.

I think it really depends on body type. I'm 5'4" and would look quite heavy at 145-150. The top weight I feel comfortable at is 120 and I don't really like to weigh that much. One year my weight went a few pounds over that and my doctor encouraged me to bump it back down at my annual physical.

 

My sister is a little shorter than me and can comfortably carry a considerable amount more weight than I do.

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Can you clarify what you mean?  What micro-management and how do my words and actions not match?

 

The micro-management was really more about some responders.

 

As for the other question, to "not want her to feel bad about her body" and yet manage her food and have repeated conversations about exercise and diet will likely communicate she *should* feel bad.

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FWIW, I have ADHD and things like exercise for the sake of exercise and cooking just kill me.  Convincing my brain that these are worthwhile endeavors is nearly impossible.  My DH actually handles a lot of the cooking here for the sake of us all.  

 

So I guess when I said "I'd make the vegetables" above, I meant I'd get my DH do do it.  ;)

Edited by MomatHWTK
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She is the goalie, so she's not doing a ton of running, but she does get in a pretty good workout. The rest of the year she does pretty much no exercise, except weekend practice and games.

 

I do like the conversation you recommend. I really want her to make the decision to do something about it if she is unhappy.

I want to reiterate that I would only have that conversation if SHE brings it up. Like, if she whines about her jeans not fitting.

 

Presumably the goalie does the same conditioning as the rest of the team. That's not light work.

 

Some people are bound to be heavier than average, because we aren't all average, and they are perfectly healthy and gorgeous and I'd tell her that too. If that is where her body settles, at some point she's going to need to learn to rock that body type.

 

Nothin wrong with exercising of course, but it should not come from a place of self-loathing. Love your body first, then make a plan to make the most of it.

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The micro-management was really more about some responders.

 

As for the other question, to "not want her to feel bad about her body" and yet manage her food and have repeated conversations about exercise and diet will likely communicate she *should* feel bad.

 

I really don't think I manage her food, nor do we have repeated conversations about her diet and exercise - that is what I was asking advice on - Should I be starting those conversations with her and draw attention to it or wait for her to bring it up?

 

 

Our exercise conversations have been me asking her (once) if she is going to join some of her field hockey teammates on the indoor track team because I knew they had asked her.  She said no and I asked her if she wanted to join a different team - she declined.  Recently she asked me about getting a treadmill so she'd be able to run to get and keep her mile time down to less than 7 minutes.  I pointed out at that treadmills are one dimensional and full body workouts would be more beneficial for her sport, but she said no.  Conversation over.

 

 

Diet -  I have insisted she eat breakfast because I saw the state she was in at practice one day after not eating breakfast and not eating much the day before.  She did not like feeling that way and knows it, so she tries to eat a bit.  I will make smoothies, oatmeal or cut up some fruit for her instead of having sandwich meat on white bread.  

 

As for the brownies in a mug and the pudding cakes and cookies, I only say, "Yes, can we share one?"  or I say, "No thanks.  We had TJ's cookies/ice cream earlier today."  She sometimes says, "Oh right." and won't have one or she'll say, "I really want something." and she'll make something.  

 

And, I do tell all my kids to, "Find a vegetable you like if you don't want salad/brussel sprouts for dinner."  They are all ok with that! 

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I think it really depends on body type. I'm 5'4" and would look quite heavy at 145-150. The top weight I feel comfortable at is 120 and I don't really like to weigh that much. One year my weight went a few pounds over that and my doctor encouraged me to bump it back down at my annual physical.

 

My sister is a little shorter than me and can comfortably carry a considerable amount more weight than I do.

 

So true.  

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The best thing I ever did for my kid was enrolling him in cooking classes.  Learning knife work, prep methods, and basic cooking techniques helped him slide into the kitchen easily and make him more comfortable with a range of foods.

 

 

This is what I was thinking, along these lines.

 

Take the focus off of fitting into jeans and onto teaching her to care for her own health. 

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I want to reiterate that I would only have that conversation if SHE brings it up. Like, if she whines about her jeans not fitting.

 

Presumably the goalie does the same conditioning as the rest of the team. That's not light work.

 

Some people are bound to be heavier than average, because we aren't all average, and they are perfectly healthy and gorgeous and I'd tell her that too. If that is where her body settles, at some point she's going to need to learn to rock that body type.

 

Nothin wrong with exercising of course, but it should not come from a place of self-loathing. Love your body first, then make a plan to make the most of it.

 

 

Love this!  Thank you.... I do want her to love and accept her body and make the most of it.

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Actually, HFCS and table sugar are almost exactly the same, metabolically. Both are about half fructose half glucose. Its' the fructose that is so damaging. Gucose is much easier on the body metabolically. But table sugar is 50/50, HFCS is 55/45, so not much different. 

 

The problem is that HFCS is so darned cheap they put it in everything, and they put much MORE of it in things, again because it is cheap. It's hard to be "moderate" about sugar when it's in your canned tomatoes, bread, granola bar, "low fat half and half", etc. 

 

hfcs is cheap because of subsidies to the corn industry.

 

HOWEVER - they are not the same. at. all.    hfcs is made using caustic soda.  caustic soda contains mercury.  dudeling was drinking ONE med. size pop while having a blood draw.  his mercury blood level was the equivalent of swallowing a mercury thermometer.

while working on her chem degree - dd took molecules, changed where atoms were attached -ALL so the body couldn't destroy it.  it was research funded by the NIH.

it's the same thing with hfcs- the brain/body become confused by the chemical response caused by a modified molecule. table sugar is safer.

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hfcsis cheap because of subsidies to the corn industry.

 

HOWEVER - they are not the same. at. all.    hfcsis made using caustic soda.  caustic soda contains mercury.  dudeling was drinking ONE med. size pop while having a blood draw.  his mercury blood level was the equivalent of swallowing a mercury thermometer.

while working on her chem degree - dd took molecules, changed where atoms were attached -ALL so the body couldn't destroy it.  it was research funded by the NIH.

it's the same thing with hfcs- the brain/body become confused by the chemical response caused by a modified molecule. table sugar is safer.

 

Not arguing about the mercury, I'll have to reasearch that. Just about how it's broken down by the body. It's broken down into fructose and glucose, as is table sugar. 

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As someone who runs (and weighs a good deal more than your daughter), I offer two pieces of treadmill advice:

 

1. Don't go cheap. Cheap treadmills are a misery. Look on treadmilldoctor.com for info about models (specific models are more important than brands, all brands have good and bad models). I have a Sole F63 treadmill, and it's awesome (though by no means the only awesome treadmill). Craigslist can be a good place to shop, though you have to be patient and wait for a good model to pop up.

 

2. Buy a TV to go with it. Treadmills are boooooooorrrrring. I only resort to the TM if it's like, hailing, or something. Having a TV to watch while you run makes it much more tolerable. A 20ish inch TV mounted to the wall doesn't cost too much.

 

Good luck.

I agree treadmills are a form of torture. My guess is most people won't use them after the initial newness. Don't add some additional layer of guilt or " should" or point of contention when she doesn't use it as you feel she should. I'm not saying you would but she knows how to exercise. Don't be over involved.
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I really don't think I manage her food, nor do we have repeated conversations about her diet and exercise - that is what I was asking advice on - Should I be starting those conversations with her and draw attention to it or wait for her to bring it up?

 

 

Our exercise conversations have been me asking her (once) if she is going to join some of her field hockey teammates on the indoor track team because I knew they had asked her. She said no and I asked her if she wanted to join a different team - she declined. Recently she asked me about getting a treadmill so she'd be able to run to get and keep her mile time down to less than 7 minutes. I pointed out at that treadmills are one dimensional and full body workouts would be more beneficial for her sport, but she said no. Conversation over.

 

 

Diet - I have insisted she eat breakfast because I saw the state she was in at practice one day after not eating breakfast and not eating much the day before. She did not like feeling that way and knows it, so she tries to eat a bit. I will make smoothies, oatmeal or cut up some fruit for her instead of having sandwich meat on white bread.

 

As for the brownies in a mug and the pudding cakes and cookies, I only say, "Yes, can we share one?" or I say, "No thanks. We had TJ's cookies/ice cream earlier today." She sometimes says, "Oh right." and won't have one or she'll say, "I really want something." and she'll make something.

 

And, I do tell all my kids to, "Find a vegetable you like if you don't want salad/brussel sprouts for dinner." They are all ok with that!

I think you are doing a good job mama. I say at this point do what you are doing and leave it alone. She's 16 not 6. I do like the old advice of parents deciding what to serve ( or what is in the house) and kids deciding what and how much to eat. Hang in mom.
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On treadmills: I hate exercise, always have. Eight years ago, we did what Tammy suggests. We bought a treadmill and a TV with a DVD player. On the wall in front of the treadmill, DH put a simple shelf with a board and brackets to hold it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could stick to an exercise plan, but I've been on that treadmill for 40 minutes almost every single day for the past eight years. We rent TV shows on DVD from Netflix (our internet is too slow for streaming) and it's the TV show that draws me to the treadmill. I only watch if I'm on the treadmill. That's my only rule. A few times, I've stayed on longer just because I couldn't wait  to see what would happen next -- like two hours a few times for Downton Abbey. :-) I wish I could say I have more noble motivations to get me to the treadmill, but the truth is I just want to see what's going to happen next on the show. Dh does the same.

 

We bought a Sole F85 two years ago . Love it. If you can get that Sole, do!

Edited by Snowdrop
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I'm at the lower range of your DD and consider myself normal. Am I forever trying to get down to 135? Yes, but that is not a health issue.

Frankly white bread with processed meat first thing in the morning is awful and worse than not eating. I don't eat breakfast either (green tea or coffee) and would find it hilarious if someone offered me that as a healthy alternative. I'd fill my house with good, real food (not 'healthy" foods, just real), and model good behaviour, which includes having a piece of cake sometimes!

I'm finding as my kids get older, I need to confront some of my own issues and not export them onto them. This is the case with academics in my house, and it feels awful to realize, I know.

Edited by madteaparty
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I really don't think I manage her food, nor do we have repeated conversations about her diet and exercise - that is what I was asking advice on - Should I be starting those conversations with her and draw attention to it or wait for her to bring it up?

 

 

Our exercise conversations have been me asking her (once) if she is going to join some of her field hockey teammates on the indoor track team because I knew they had asked her.  She said no and I asked her if she wanted to join a different team - she declined.  Recently she asked me about getting a treadmill so she'd be able to run to get and keep her mile time down to less than 7 minutes.  I pointed out at that treadmills are one dimensional and full body workouts would be more beneficial for her sport, but she said no.  Conversation over.

 

 

Diet -  I have insisted she eat breakfast because I saw the state she was in at practice one day after not eating breakfast and not eating much the day before.  She did not like feeling that way and knows it, so she tries to eat a bit.  I will make smoothies, oatmeal or cut up some fruit for her instead of having sandwich meat on white bread.  

 

As for the brownies in a mug and the pudding cakes and cookies, I only say, "Yes, can we share one?"  or I say, "No thanks.  We had TJ's cookies/ice cream earlier today."  She sometimes says, "Oh right." and won't have one or she'll say, "I really want something." and she'll make something.  

 

And, I do tell all my kids to, "Find a vegetable you like if you don't want salad/brussel sprouts for dinner."  They are all ok with that! 

 

Your athletic kid who is a tad heavier than she and you would like, and who you think needs more exercise, asks you for a treadmill, and you diss the merits of it (to her) and then that is the "end of the conversation"? Good grief. That's really not wise, IMHO. A better response would be "hell ya'! Let's do some research! We'll make it happen! Where should we put it? Should we move (or find) an old TV for it?" (I am a runner, and so I am biased, but let me assure you that running involves your entire body. It is great for your core, your legs, back, shoulders . . . All of it.)

 

Also, IMHO, unless your kid has a critical life-threatening health issue (diabetes, fainting spells, etc.) that requires calories/food at certain intervals, it is really unwise for you to be insisting ANYTHING about a 16 year old's diet. 

 

Honestly, those two items seem like red flags of too much mom-control/micromanagement in your 16 year old's diet/exercise/weight issues. I'd seriously reflect on those issues and consider talking this all through with a therapist of some sort. Just a few sessions with someone you trust might help you nail down your own feelings about your daughter's weight, your loss of control as she is maturing (and your inevitable inability to make her perfect or to protect her from every pain in life), and then coming up with a game plan for how you are to deal with these issues from here on out . . . If it were me, I'd really consider that. 

 

This is rhetorical, I am *not* calling you out, but I am suggesting you at least answer ponder questions for and to yourself: How athletic and disciplined are you about exercise over the years, week to week? Do you not struggle to do some things you know you should? Are you expecting more from your kid than yourself? (*I* can sure be undisciplined and do plenty of things I wish I didn't . . . I remind myself of this whenever I am unhappy with one of my kid's lack of doing something . . .)

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OP, it sounds to me like you're asking reasonable questions and carefully trying to navigate this with your dd. Fwiw, I'm 5'5" and weigh 148 right now. That's very high for me. (I recently finished up a degree by eating chocolate chips and popcorn while writing papers. I grew my body while growing my brain. Sigh.) I'm more typically around 140, and I feel significantly better at that lower weight -- a lot more energy, fewer aches and pains, etc. I'm fine with how I look, but I don't feel great. A little extra weight drastically affects how I feel. I wonder if your dd is feeling that. 

 

That's not to say I think you should bring it up with her, but if she brings it up you could focus more on feeling well than looking good. My daughters play Ultimate Frisbee. They do the Gorgeous Core exercise DVD because they know they can play better if they do. Two of them have significant hip and back pain if they don't do the core exercises. It's all about feeling well, and I think that's a healthy focus.

 

I mentioned Brian Wansink's books earlier. His research is really interesting. For example, he found that people who keep cereal on their counter in their home average 21 pounds more than people who don't. Fruit on the counter: 7 pounds less. Pop on the counter: 29 pounds more. Diet pop on the counter: 24 pounds more. You get the idea. He has tons of practical suggestions for arranging your kitchen and home in such a way to encourage healthy eating. You could make simple changes without saying anything. Someday your dd will likely arrange her home and meals the way you do (my married daughters' homes and cooking mirror my own), so you're setting patterns for her by your example. Be encouraged by that. There's so much you can do without having to say anything.

 

If you do decide to go the academic route, Nutrition Made Clear from The Great Courses is really solid. Dh is an MD whose BS was in nutritional science. This series gets his stamp of approval. I have all my kids watch these in high school to help them sift through all the information out there. That plus some supplemental materials and activities earns them a health or nutrition credit.

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Last year I bought every child age 10 and older a pedometer for Christmas. Since we were already a walking family, I wanted all of us to each have a cool gadget (I already had one) to track daily steps for fun. Well a year later, my kids still wear their pedometers daily and love hitting their 10,000 steps each day (minimum step goal). Walking/jogging consistently as a family is something my own mother instilled in me as a child. She made us all walk an hour a day with her through a cow pasture and along a railroad (awesome memories). When I grew up and lived in the same city, my mother would still come over every morning to walk with us. Now that we live far away, she calls me everyday when she's walking to see how our walk went for the day. We usually talk about the nature we saw and how the weather was for the walk. I am thankful that my mother made walking important for our family because, as an adult now, I have it ingrained in my mind that an hour walk/jog daily is an essential part of my day; it's just what you're suppose to do regardless of fitness level or weight. (By the way, all of my three siblings each walk/run daily with their families as well.) My children have been brainwashed too...they are known to buddy up and go on their own afternoon walk/run to increase their step counts. Walking is part of our family culture. I like to sign our family up for a walk/run group event like a charity 5K monthly. Being a part of a mass of runners each with a race number is really motivating. I subscribed to a race guide to receive emails alerting me to 5K events in my area. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007ZWIJR2?keywords=omron%20pedometer&qid=1449413371&ref_=sr_1_1&s=exercise-and-fitness&sr=1-1

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Your athletic kid who is a tad heavier than she and you would like, and who you think needs more exercise, asks you for a treadmill, and you diss the merits of it (to her) and then that is the "end of the conversation"? Good grief. 

 

Also, IMHO, unless your kid has a critical life-threatening health issue (diabetes, fainting spells, etc.) that requires calories/food at certain intervals, it is really unwise for you to be insisting ANYTHING about a 16 year old's diet. 

 

Honestly, those two items seem like red flags of too much mom-control/micromanagement in your 16 year old's diet/exercise/weight issues.

 

This isn't at all how I interpreted the op's posts.

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Your athletic kid who is a tad heavier than she and you would like, and who you think needs more exercise, asks you for a treadmill, and you diss the merits of it (to her) and then that is the "end of the conversation"? Good grief. That's really not wise, IMHO. A better response would be "hell ya'! Let's do some research! We'll make it happen! Where should we put it? Should we move (or find) an old TV for it?" (I am a runner, and so I am biased, but let me assure you that running involves your entire body. It is great for your core, your legs, back, shoulders . . . All of it.)

 

Also, IMHO, unless your kid has a critical life-threatening health issue (diabetes, fainting spells, etc.) that requires calories/food at certain intervals, it is really unwise for you to be insisting ANYTHING about a 16 year old's diet. 

 

Honestly, those two items seem like red flags of too much mom-control/micromanagement in your 16 year old's diet/exercise/weight issues. I'd seriously reflect on those issues and consider talking this all through with a therapist of some sort. Just a few sessions with someone you trust might help you nail down your own feelings about your daughter's weight, your loss of control as she is maturing (and your inevitable inability to make her perfect or to protect her from every pain in life), and then coming up with a game plan for how you are to deal with these issues from here on out . . . If it were me, I'd really consider that. 

 

This is rhetorical, I am *not* calling you out, but I am suggesting you at least answer ponder questions for and to yourself: How athletic and disciplined are you about exercise over the years, week to week? Do you not struggle to do some things you know you should? Are you expecting more from your kid than yourself? (*I* can sure be undisciplined and do plenty of things I wish I didn't . . . I remind myself of this whenever I am unhappy with one of my kid's lack of doing something . . .)

 

 

This isn't at all how I interpreted the op's posts.

 

 

Oh yeah - total mis-interpretation on the part of StephanieZ.  The 'end of conversation' was the end of me suggesting an alternative.  We are looking into getting a treadmill.  We have found one on craigslist and she is willing to pay half for it.  Perhaps reading the entire thread would be helpful.  

 

Running is a great exercise, I know that.  But there are a lot of alternatives that are better, imo.  She hates to run and I think she will get bored with it.  But, we will get a treadmill because she asked.  

 

I am not micro-managing her - I asked for advice on how to deal with her issues.  Should I or should I not get involved? You are assuming that I am involved more than I really am.  Yes, I insist she eat in the mornings and I've explained why.  And, dd agrees with me on how awful she feels when she doesn't eat in the morning and/or take something to eat during the day.  

Edited by jen3kids
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Last year I bought every child age 10 and older a pedometer for Christmas. Since we were already a walking family, I wanted all of us to each have a cool gadget (I already had one) to track daily steps for fun. Well a year later, my kids still wear their pedometers daily and love hitting their 10,000 steps each day (minimum step goal). Walking/jogging consistently as a family is something my own mother instilled in me as a child. She made us all walk an hour a day with her through a cow pasture and along a railroad (awesome memories). When I grew up and lived in the same city, my mother would still come over every morning to walk with us. Now that we live far away, she calls me everyday when she's walking to see how our walk went for the day. We usually talk about the nature we saw and how the weather was for the walk. I am thankful that my mother made walking important for our family because, as an adult now, I have it ingrained in my mind that an hour walk/jog daily is an essential part of my day; it's just what you're suppose to do regardless of fitness level or weight. (By the way, all of my three siblings each walk/run daily with their families as well.) My children have been brainwashed too...they are known to buddy up and go on their own afternoon walk/run to increase their step counts. Walking is part of our family culture. I like to sign our family up for a walk/run group event like a charity 5K monthly. Being a part of a mass of runners each with a race number is really motivating. I subscribed to a race guide to receive emails alerting me to 5K events in my area. http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B007ZWIJR2?keywords=omron%20pedometer&qid=1449413371&ref_=sr_1_1&s=exercise-and-fitness&sr=1-1

 

 

I wish she would, but not interested.  We did a few 5Ks with friends, probably 5-6 years ago, and she only did them because it was part of our Girl Scout group.  She would never do another one, at least not at this point.  

 

I offered to get her a pedometer, but she declined.  Not interested at all.  Perhaps if we had started when the kids were younger, but I cannot turn back to clock. 

 

An alternative might be to walk home with her after school - it is 2 miles. I could walk there and wait for her and walk on home with her, if she is dressed warmly enough (but I could bring a backpack with a hat and mittens if necessary).

 

She will know why I am doing it, but I can also frame it with the fact that she is busy with school and work, we don't get to talk much.

 

Thanks for putting that into my mind!  

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OP, it sounds to me like you're asking reasonable questions and carefully trying to navigate this with your dd. Fwiw, I'm 5'5" and weigh 148 right now. That's very high for me. (I recently finished up a degree by eating chocolate chips and popcorn while writing papers. I grew my body while growing my brain. Sigh.) I'm more typically around 140, and I feel significantly better at that lower weight -- a lot more energy, fewer aches and pains, etc. I'm fine with how I look, but I don't feel great. A little extra weight drastically affects how I feel. I wonder if your dd is feeling that. 

 

That's not to say I think you should bring it up with her, but if she brings it up you could focus more on feeling well than looking good. My daughters play Ultimate Frisbee. They do the Gorgeous Core exercise DVD because they know they can play better if they do. Two of them have significant hip and back pain if they don't do the core exercises. It's all about feeling well, and I think that's a healthy focus.

 

I mentioned Brian Wansink's books earlier. His research is really interesting. For example, he found that people who keep cereal on their counter in their home average 21 pounds more than people who don't. Fruit on the counter: 7 pounds less. Pop on the counter: 29 pounds more. Diet pop on the counter: 24 pounds more. You get the idea. He has tons of practical suggestions for arranging your kitchen and home in such a way to encourage healthy eating. You could make simple changes without saying anything. Someday your dd will likely arrange her home and meals the way you do (my married daughters' homes and cooking mirror my own), so you're setting patterns for her by your example. Be encouraged by that. There's so much you can do without having to say anything.

 

If you do decide to go the academic route, Nutrition Made Clear from The Great Courses is really solid. Dh is an MD whose BS was in nutritional science. This series gets his stamp of approval. I have all my kids watch these in high school to help them sift through all the information out there. That plus some supplemental materials and activities earns them a health or nutrition credit.

 

I don't think she'd do any exercise videos - I have offered them.

  

 

I am definitely going to get that book out from the library - it sounds very interesting.  

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I may be a kindred spirit with the daughter. Breakfast is stupid and bread is awesome and exercise for the sake of exercise is BORING. I'm a social exerciser. Without witnesses, I don't do it. Ten hours a week of dance classes . . . no problem, but going to the gym or using the treadmill? NOT going to happen. Although, if a TV were involved . . . Do any of her teammates live close enough to add a regular walk/run date to her week. Conditioning with teammates just doesn't present the same mental hurdles that exercising for mom does.

 

I do love to take a walk, but I always have at least the dog with me and preferably someone who can talk. I also have a sourdough starter living in my fridge like a pet, so all of the bread hate on this thread is breaking my little amateur-artisan-baker's heart. What HAS served me well throughout my life is that my appetite adjusts according to my activity level. I don't know how you teach someone to be in tune with their body that way, but it might be a bunny trail worth following.

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I may be a kindred spirit with the daughter. Breakfast is stupid and bread is awesome and exercise for the sake of exercise is BORING. I'm a social exerciser. Without witnesses, I don't do it. Ten hours a week of dance classes . . . no problem, but going to the gym or using the treadmill? NOT going to happen. Although, if a TV were involved . . . Do any of her teammates live close enough to add a regular walk/run date to her week. Conditioning with teammates just doesn't present the same mental hurdles that exercising for mom does.

 

I do love to take a walk, but I always have at least the dog with me and preferably someone who can talk. I also have a sourdough starter living in my fridge like a pet, so all of the bread hate on this thread is breaking my little amateur-artisan-baker's heart. What HAS served me well throughout my life is that my appetite adjusts according to my activity level. I don't know how you teach someone to be in tune with their body that way, but it might be a bunny trail worth following.

 

Ah yes - total bread lover, with butter!  Yummy!

 

Over the summer she did get together with a couple club teammates to do conditioning and they had a great time.  They are at a different school and only see each other at club practices/games.  I don't know if they are continuing or not.

 

I will ask the parents about it and see if they are interested.

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Over the summer I noticed that my son (11) was looking like he was putting on extra weight so what I did, instead of saying anything to him, was that I just stopped buying chips and junk (which I never used to get but I was getting slack) and started buying more fruits.  If he said he was hungry I told him to go grab an apple. 

 

I will also say that my other two teenage boys would never eat a vegetable unless I prepared it for them, and even then, one of them would still rather not eat them.  Sounds like a normal kid to me. They also both eat white bread.  They are both a healthy weight and really don't do a lot of physical activity. 

 

In our homeschool, I am trying to get better about doing PE.  We go through phases.  Sometimes we are all out playing 4 square or basketball--then we stop.  I have just started assigning 15 minutes per day on our schedule to be sure it gets done.  One day we did an app together called 7 Minute Workout.  Perhaps if you do it with her.  I'm also going to get a punching bag as our family Christmas present.  Who knows how long we will be interested in it but you don't know unless you try.  A Y membership might be an idea.  Does she like to swim?  I think exercise should be enjoyable or else you just aren't going to stick with it.  Perhaps there is a teen girl group that meets. 

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I don't want to push her about it and have her develop a eating disorder.  I believe she knows the basics so maybe she needs a more nutrition, read the labels, type education.  Please don't get the impression that I am insensitive towards her or want her to be something she is not.  I know that there are different body types, but her eating/exercise habits are not healthy.

 

Dd is 16.5, about 5'4" and weighs around 145-150lbs, and I don't think that she is really overweight, just on the far end of the 'normal' scale (and what is normal? - I know it is subjective and relative to other factors).  But I am concerned that she her choices are going to lead to more weight gain.  

 

Exercise...

Dd is only physically active during her high school field hockey season and then she slims down.  As soon as the season ends, she switches to club which is only twice a week (both on the weekend), but her food intake doesn't change.  So, she gains weight, her new school clothes no longer fit, she gets upset.

 

 

We have talked.  She has cried about it.  Like many people, she has chosen an exercise program with good intentions but stuck with it for only a few weeks.  Dh invites  her to join him for his P90x workouts.  We have looked at exercise videos she can do in her room.  I have offered to run with her whenever she wants.  She has asked about getting a treadmill.  She doesn't like to run, to exercise just to exercise.  If she could go to a 2 hour field hockey practice everyday all year around, she would, but that is not an option.  She does not want to try another sport.   I have considered signing her up for one of those athletic sports' training classes, but I'm pretty sure she would not be interested. 

 

So, please lay it on - do I leave her alone, knowing that she knows all this already and let her decide what to do about it?  Do I get on her about it?  Do I just not have the sugary stuff around, including the ingredients for baking?  

 

 

Oh yeah - total mis-interpretation on the part of StephanieZ.  The 'end of conversation' was the end of me suggesting an alternative.  We are looking into getting a treadmill.  We have found one on craigslist and she is willing to pay half for it.  Perhaps reading the entire thread would be helpful.  

 

Running is a great exercise, I know that.  But there are a lot of alternatives that are better, imo.  She hates to run and I think she will get bored with it.  But, we will get a treadmill because she asked.  

 

I am not micro-managing her - I asked for advice on how to deal with her issues.  Should I or should I not get involved? You are assuming that I am involved more than I really am.  Yes, I insist she eat in the mornings and I've explained why.  And, dd agrees with me on how awful she feels when she doesn't eat in the morning and/or take something to eat during the day.  

 

 

Jen, you asked for advice and feedback. You have been fairly defensive regarding that maybe your level of interaction in this regard is too much for her age; you are not "micromanaging" her. But what I see is that she doesn't have a weight problem. Her diet is adequate. What I see is that she's a normal kid, with normal interests and activity levels. And you **keep** "encouraging" her to exercise. I FEEL a heightened and possibly unhealthy body image and weight centric approach to life. Even in your OP, you mention she MIGHT develop a problem. The entire 3 pages then go on with your suggestions and ideas to "help her."

 

As a teen girl under the situation described, I would feel closed in on, shamed, and bad about myself.

 

I suggest you not make another suggestion, not facilitate exercise, not have another talk. I suggest you take a look to see if maybe your persepctive on a healthy lifestyle is broad and relaxed enough to be holistically healthy, not just weight centered.

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Jen, you asked for advice and feedback. You have been fairly defensive regarding that maybe your level of interaction in this regard is too much for her age; you are not "micromanaging" her. But what I see is that she doesn't have a weight problem. Her diet is adequate. What I see is that she's a normal kid, with normal interests and activity levels. And you **keep** "encouraging" her to exercise. I FEEL a heightened and possibly unhealthy body image and weight centric approach to life. Even in your OP, you mention she MIGHT develop a problem. The entire 3 pages then go on with your suggestions and ideas to "help her."

 

As a teen girl under the situation described, I would feel closed in on, shamed, and bad about myself.

 

I suggest you not make another suggestion, not facilitate exercise, not have another talk. I suggest you take a look to see if maybe your persepctive on a healthy lifestyle is broad and relaxed enough to be holistically healthy, not just weight centered.

 

I had typed out a long defensive response, but I won't bother with it.  

 

You are making assumptions that are incorrect so I guess I am not being clear enough.  That's the trouble with online chats :)  

You don't know me so you don't know how ridiculous the last sentence is - but that's ok.  I know you are trying to help and I do appreciate it.  Thank you.  

 

The one thing I agree with is that she, like many (if not most) teen girls, feels bad about her body image.  

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I wish she would, but not interested.  We did a few 5Ks with friends, probably 5-6 years ago, and she only did them because it was part of our Girl Scout group.  She would never do another one, at least not at this point.  

 

I offered to get her a pedometer, but she declined.  Not interested at all.  Perhaps if we had started when the kids were younger, but I cannot turn back to clock. 

 

An alternative might be to walk home with her after school - it is 2 miles. I could walk there and wait for her and walk on home with her, if she is dressed warmly enough (but I could bring a backpack with a hat and mittens if necessary).

 

She will know why I am doing it, but I can also frame it with the fact that she is busy with school and work, we don't get to talk much.

 

Thanks for putting that into my mind!  

 

You could also frame it in terms of getting your on exercise.  That would add up to 4 miles per day for you.  That is a real help to you, as well as time to talk to her.

 

If she's not interested in a regular pedometer, might she be interested in something like Fitbit?  Especially if you got one for yourself, or perhaps one of her friends? 

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Treadmill sounds great. Reading, music or TV while running can help with boredom.

 

And I agree that cold turkey on all sweets and baking supplies sends too strong a message, but letting the sweets/baking supplies run out sometimes, not replacing them right away, and alternating what you bring back into the house might help. I just bought 2 dozen cookies at a bake sale yesterday, and they're almost gone! So I do buy sweets, but that's it for the week. 

 

I remember my mom offering us vegetables and fruit all the time, no matter what age--everything from cutting up a couple pears at the table after dinner to share with the family, to having veg and fruit cut in the fridge, to suggesting salad for a snack, to stopping at farm stands to marvel over and take home fresh produce. It's one of the loveliest legacies she gave me, I think, and I'm trying to pass on that nurturing passion for ripe and delicious produce to my girls.

 

In addition to scaling back sweets and less healthy options, I'd look for more and more ways to find and share pleasure in healthy food. Containers of cut veg and fruit in the fridge, washed fruit in a bowl on the counter, even a pan of oven roasted veggies, Mason jar salads or veggie soup waiting enticingly in the fridge. I love the days when there's a salad in the fridge, waiting for my lunch, whether it's leftover or something dh or I threw together in the morning. I seriously feel so cared for when someone makes me salad.

 

I hear the previous posters who say a 16 yo should learn to manage her own choices, but also strongly feel that preparing appealing, healthy food can be very loving and nurturing, and helps kids develop a consistent taste for it, that they then bring to their own decision-making. They may go nuts with the junk food, but eventually realize they're craving salad. 

 

Probably all of us mamas are sick of food prep, to varying degrees, and it can be hard to rediscover pleasure in something that's become a daily chore. What kinds of healthy food do you love to see waiting for you in the fridge? What do you want to share with her before she launches and is making all her own choices all the time? Can she brainstorm any ideas for protein rich breakfasts? Could you spend an hour on a Saturday making breakfast burritos, homemade egg McMuffins or something like that to go in the freezer, that she could grab and heat in the toaster oven or microwave? 

 

Amy

 

 

 

 

 

 

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There was a study published a year or two ago that looked at Google searches. The researcher wanted to know if what parents report about their attitudes toward their children is reflected in the Google search data.

 

He reported that parents are far more likely to ask if sons are 'gifted' and far more likely to ask if they daughters are "fat." Apparently, parents fear their daughters being overweight.

 

I bring that up merely to say that, while I know health issues are a concern here, I would also try to be honest with myself about whether I am troubled by having an overweight daughter, even if it didn't trouble her much or cause health problems, because that is where some of the danger lies here - if she were to perceive that you are especially concerned about her appearance even if you claim it is about health.

 

I don't think that 145 is a really unhealthy weight for a 5'4" woman. It's more than most girls would like, and it sounds like your daughter is not happy about how clothes fit, but it is not alarming in terms of general health.

 

The junk food is a problem. I tend to let my teens eat junk as long as long as they are also eating healthy things. I do the same myself. I am pretty healthy (and low bmi) eating some junk as part of a healthy diet. I think bread is a reasonable breakfast as long as other meals are more nutrition dense. I skip breakfast all the time.

 

Honestly, I am not sure I would bring it up. Ask a hundred women what their mother has said that still bothers them, and I bet 80 of them will say something about a comment on their weight, appearance, or bodies. And I bet most of the mothers had good intentions. I am not sure I would risk it when there is so much available information your daughter can get from other sources if she wants to change.

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We have daughters with different issues, but I think there are still some underlying similarities.

 

Aside from having lots of good options food-wise, and being a loving ear, it gets hard.

You've talked a lot. She has good information. Beyond that, I think the best things you can do revolve around listening, loving, and reassuring. If she complains about her clothes not fitting, simply ask her if there is something you can help her with. Tell her you love her. Tell her she's beautiful. Don't offer solutions. She needs to make her own plans. It's fine to invite her to walk with you, or to exercise with you, if it's something you were going to do anyway. It's great to have her help prep veggie sticks, fruit snacks, or work with you to pack lunches. But, in the end, she has to make decisions about her activity levels and food choices. You can tell her things you've experienced, how you've felt, what you've learned about you, etc. But underscore that she's not you, and our bodies are wonderfully complex biological machines. When it comes to what she should do, and what she'd like you to do, the ball needs to be in her court.

 

It's really hard raising girls to have healthy body images. I know what my parents did was not helpful. My dad was downright awful, my mother did the best she could with the tools she had. But in the end, I made my own choices, and I have to own them. We can only do so much. Assuming there are no dangerous choices, of course.

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  • 1 year later...

Do not say anything.

 

I guarantee she knows that she's at the higher end of normal, especially at that age.  Peers are cruel.  Self-talk is crueler.

 

Stop the focus on weight.  Focus on being happy.  Having a good self image.  Having a good self image that is not weight dependent.  Point out great role models of all sizes.  Thankfully, things have changed.  There are plus sized and more normal sized models these days.  

 

If you want to change how your family eats, fine... maybe go for the easy-peasy half of our plates if fruit and veggies.  Drink more water.  Family walks/hikes.  But don't make everything forbidden either.  That can backfire and turn those items into forbidden fruit.  If your DD can actually eat one or two cookies and stop thats a lot healthier than eating an entire package.  So many girls (and boys) with weight problems get into the diet/forbidden.... feast/binge cycle.    So maybe once or twice per week you purposely have dessert.

 

If field hockey helps her slim down and she likes it, look for a spring sport she might like or even see if she can find more year round playing opportunities.  Look for other activities she enjoys... yoga....pilates....martial arts... weight lifting.  Perhaps suggest you guys do a self-defense class together because every woman should be able to defend herself, etc.  

 

Your daughter is nowhere near obese or morbidly obese.  As somebody who had a mild weight problem at 12-13 that grew to be obese by 18 and morbidly obese by 21... whose had two bariatric surgeries.... etc.  Please, leave well enough alone.  If I did not have an ex-ballerina mother and weight obsessed father it is highly unlikely I would have ended up as obese as I did.   I would kill to be just a BMI of 24-27 right now.  Let her see that she is perfectly fine the way she is.  Yes, she can eat healthier.  Yes, she can be more active.  But let her know that you love her at any size.  That she can be successful and find love just the way she is.  That she can love herself just the way she is.  That will be more powerful than any diet advice.

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