How to talk to dd (16) about her weight, food choices and exercise

[ktgrok]

 

 

Third, we got rid of the overly processed.  More sugar in the body means the body wants more sugar.  Too many boxed foods have sugar added when they're not needed (looking at you, diced tomatoes with chili!)

 

 

 

seriously! I had the same issue! I got a can of diced tomatoes and was disgusted to find they had sugar in them! 

[Guest]

Also, if I am unhappy about my weight and mention it to someone in my life, this is not an invitation for them to "help me" lose weight. No thanks. That is a private battle there. At the age of 16, I apply the same rules.

No way. 16 is still a child. It is our obligation as parents to set them on the right nutritional path.

[ktgrok]

This. There is no faster way to make me think, "F you, I'll eat what I want, when I want" than to bring up my weight. I don't think there's a female in this country today who doesn't know that extra weight + junk food = unhealthy. 

 

 

Katie, I think you're looking at this in retrospect, which changes the way you see it. I was not very overweight as a teen, but I was...soft, and definitely struggled to buy clothes that fit well. I knew that I needed to exercise. I knew that I needed to eat smaller portions. I knew that popcorn and Burger King food and Junior Mints were not good choices for work lunches and dinners. I knew all of that. It didn't make any difference. Frankly, I'm 41, and I know all the same stuff you know now, and I'm STILL overweight. 

 

Talking to her about all of that stuff will just be perceived as judgment and reprimand. That won't help the situation at all. 

 

But there is a difference between knowing "junk food isn't healthy" and knowing that sugar can make you crave more sugar, that empty carbs like white bread can leave you physically hungrier than you were before, that having protein instead or at least first can help you feel full and not want to much to eat, that exercise can change how your body responds to sugar so that you can handle it better when you do have a splurge, etc etc. That eating a big piece of cake at night after dinner is better than snacking on fat free crackers all afternoon, etc etc. 

 

I knew junk food was bad. But I thought that being unable to control my portion size mean I was weak, a failure, lacking in will power, etc. Add in the issue of gluttony and you get sinful as well. Had I known the biochemistry, that the foods I was eating were making me hungrier on a cellular level I wouldn't have blamed my mental health and instead addressed the actual problem. Instead I spent decades of my life hating myself because I was "weak" or lacking "self control" and obviously was "self sabotaging" when all along I should have been addressing the physical/biological issues. I would want to spare others from that. 

 

So no, I don't think the average teen realizes that by having a brownie in a mug in the afternoon she's setting herself up to be hungrier all day, or that by slacking on the exercise she's not just missing out on burning calories but she's changing the way her body handles insulin/glucose responses, again making her more likely to overeat. 

 

And no, I don't think the average teen or adult realizes the profound impact on the liver from so much sugar in the diet. Fatty Liver Disease is becoming a big problem in our country because of all the added sugars. 

 

I'm not saying to never eat sugar. But knowledge is power and I don't think it is a mistake to give her as much info as you can. Taht doesn't mean making decisions for her, or controlling what she eats. 

[texasmama]

No way. 16 is still a child. It is our obligation as parents to set them on the right nutritional path.

The 16 year old has the information.  She is not even overweight.  Of course as parents we should give information to our kids - before 16 and not because we are uncomfortable that our 16 year old is heavier than we prefer or does not make stellar food choices, as most teens don't.

[goldberry]

Just chiming it with similar issues.  DD is thin but out of shape, won't exercise, and with poor eating habits.  If I prepare the food, she will eat it, but since she is almost 17 I feel very frustrated doing it, although I still do.

 

She is educated about food choices, she knows about exercise, etc.  She just isn't ready to do it, and I finally decided that I can't make her, just like no one could make me, or anyone else.  All you can do is make sure your DD knows what the realities are, and that she knows what to do when and if she is ready.  It has to be her choice, just like all of us.

 

 

ETA, a 16-17 yo is different from a 5 or even 10 yo.  They have to take ownership or it won't happen.  You can't make them take ownership.

Edited December 5, 2015 by goldberry

[chocolatechip]

I don't agree with the idea that just because the girl is upset about her weight that means the mom should talk to her about it. At that age, I would have been beyond mortified to hear that my mom thought I was getting too fat. I was already plenty good at telling myself I needed to get skinnier. 

 

However, I think you definitely could talk to her about eating healthier foods. That much sugar isn't good for her metabolism and isn't what her body needs for good energy. Also, it is perfectly fine not to eat in the morning if you're not hungry. I wouldn't force her to eat, especially if the only thing she'll eat in the morning is white bread and lunchmeat. At this time, I would encourage her to choose healthy foods and quit buying some of the non-healthy stuff so that she has heathy choices when she wants to eat. 

[gardenmom5]

can you make a requirement that she do some sport all year long?  (it will also help her stay in shape for field hockey so she has a stronger start to the season.  she'll be ready day-one, instead of having to get back into shape.)  her coaches will address food choices - because a good coach wants their athelets to take care of themselves.

 

make going for walks/hikes a regular, frequent, family acitivity.

 

as for the sports all year long . .  dd's high school x-cntry coach only wanted to do soccer. he never made the team.  however, he did notice his friends who did - all did xctry in the fall.  so, he also turned out for xcntry. not because he wanted to run (he didn't), he wanted to do his seasonal sport (soccer) and was hoping fall running would give him an edge.  (it also introduced him to running, and he was no longer interested in soccer.)

Edited December 5, 2015 by gardenmom5

[gardenmom5]

seriously! I had the same issue! I got a can of diced tomatoes and was disgusted to find they had sugar in them! 

 

people have to understand what hidden sugars are, many don't.  just because it doesn't say sucrose, doesn't mean it isn't sugar.  "low-fat" foods are almost universally loaded with sugar - to make up for the lack of fat.

 

and hfcs really is one of the absolute worst things you can ingest.  among other things,  it contains mercury . . . . (dueling's mercury level was very high when he was drinking pop during a blood draw.)

it also makes you crave even more sugar - and more so than table sugar. the brain doesn't know what to do with the messages it sends.

[gardenmom5]

Haven't read the other replies.

 

Being blunt--you need to educate yourself on carbs. White bread with lunch meat is in no way better than not eating. Then, both of you can work on reforming her diet (weight loss is all about diet--exercise has very little effect). Fruit isn't that good for you--apples are loaded with sugar.

 

Read Sugar Buster or South Besch or Atkins. Then pass that info on to your daughter. It will be hard now but she will thank you in 10 years.

 

however - building muscle does have an effect. more muscle = more calories burned.

[Guest]

The 16 year old has the information. She is not even overweight. Of course as parents we should give information to our kids - before 16 and not because we are uncomfortable that our 16 year old is heavier than we prefer or does not make stellar food choices, as most teens don't.

Her mother says that she eats white bread, fruit and granola bars. She/they DO NOT have correct nutritional information.

[debi21]

I didn't read all the responses to see if anyone mentioned this. A lot of people in the first few said, continue preparing her fruit/veggie snacks. But in addition, make her prepare them by making it one of her jobs to prep fruits/veggies for the family (in the evening for the next day, for example). I don't know what jobs/chores your daughter is assigned, but I would consider adding or replacing some of them with that. This gives her practice with doing it herself even though you've said she doesn't want to - and this makes it more likely she is able to have the ability to do this for herself when she's on her own (possibly quite soon!).

 

[texasmama]

Her mother says that she eats white bread, fruit and granola bars. She/they DO NOT have correct nutritional information.

I think mom knows that white bread is not great nutritionally and just bought it because it is what the dd would eat in the morning.  If normal weight, healthy (no diabetes) teen girls can't eat fruit or granola bars, I don't think we are having the same conversation.

[ktgrok]

people have to understand what hidden sugars are, many don't.  just because it doesn't say sucrose, doesn't mean it isn't sugar.  "low-fat" foods are almost universally loaded with sugar - to make up for the lack of fat.

 

andhfcs really is one of the absolute worst things you can ingest.  among other things,  it contains mercury . . . . (dueling's mercury level was very high when he was drinking pop during a blood draw.)

it also makes you crave even more sugar - and more so than table sugar. the brain doesn't know what to do with the messages it sends.

 

Actually, HFCS and table sugar are almost exactly the same, metabolically. Both are about half fructose half glucose. Its' the fructose that is so damaging. Gucose is much easier on the body metabolically. But table sugar is 50/50, HFCS is 55/45, so not much different. 

 

The problem is that HFCS is so darned cheap they put it in everything, and they put much MORE of it in things, again because it is cheap. It's hard to be "moderate" about sugar when it's in your canned tomatoes, bread, granola bar, "low fat half and half", etc. 

[ktgrok]

I think mom knows that white bread is not great nutritionally and just bought it because it is what the dd would eat in the morning.  If normal weight, healthy (no diabetes) teen girls can't eat fruit or granola bars, I don't think we are having the same conversation.

 

No, but mom kind of made it sound like herprefered, go to foods were granola bars, white bread, and homemade sweets on a regular basis. Added together, that's an issue. If it was just apples and maybe a granola bar a day with low sugar, and the girl wasn't concerned about her weight, then no, no issue. 

[Joker]

I think mom knows that white bread is not great nutritionally and just bought it because it is what the dd would eat in the morning. If normal weight, healthy (no diabetes) teen girls can't eat fruit or granola bars, I don't think we are having the same conversation.

Yeah, my youngest teen is the healthiest of all of us. She usually has an apple every day in addition to berries and grapes in her lunch for school. We also also always keep granola bars on hand. Both of my dds are on the very slim side so I can't imagine cutting out those foods. Different diets work for different people so blanket statements about good or bad food really don't mean much.

 

OP, I would stop pushing breakfast. I quit it in middle school and both of my dds only have something in the morning once or twice a week. I would also go back to keeping prepared fruits and veggies in the fridge. I also keep cut up cheese to go with crackers (Triscuits here) and hard boiled eggs.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Joker

[texasmama]

No, but mom kind of made it sound like herprefered, go to foods were granola bars, white bread, and homemade sweets on a regular basis. Added together, that's an issue. If it was just apples and maybe a granola bar a day with low sugar, and the girl wasn't concerned about her weight, then no, no issue. 

But who decides if there is "an issue" and what do you do about it, if anything?  Again, this is a 16 year old girl who is not overweight and is not diabetic.  At 16, a person has to take some responsibility for her own choices and "issues", in quotations because this is really a non-issue at this point, IMO.  There is a wide swath of ground between ideal eating and eating that is permanently damaging.  Also, factor in the fact that trying to control another person's food intake is likely to backfire and cause emotional issues that are much more damaging than eating a granola bar twice a day. Mom is responsible for what comes into the house.  Her dd is responsible (largely) for what goes into her mouth.  

[8circles]

I don't get the "drop it, don't talk about it" advice. She says the girl is already upset about this, to the point of crying about her weight and or eating. If she was that upset about something else, would you ignore it? Or help her? She may know what she needs to know, she may not. She may think low fat but high sugar is fine. She may not know much at all. And given the epidemic of type 2 diabetes in our society, and the number of people sick from diet related causes, this could be a very serious health issue that can be addressed now, in the early stages. If you saw a teen with risk factors for some other disease, wouldn't you say something?? I mean, we tell them to put on sunscreen, to stay hydrated in hot weather, to get enough sleep, to wear a seat belt in the car, to avoid drugs and alcohol, etc.  Diet issues are just as important. 

 

Again, I do NOT mean shaming her in ANY way. I mean saying, hey, lets look at the biochemistry of how some foods owrk in our body. What foods make us feel hungrier? What foods help us feel satiated? What does sugar do to our bodies. I'd make it about US, not HER. 

 

SO many people said in one of the other threads here that is is easier to get control of weight and eating issues early, rather than when you are already significantly overweight. And yet people say just ignore this? 

 

and to be clear, I'm not worried about her weight. I'm worried about the diet and high sugar content of it. 

 

1) it isn't clear why she's crying.  Is she bringing it up to mom, in a way that would be asking for help?  Or is mom bringing it up & she cries?  I don't think anyone is suggesting that if the dd brings it up she should be ignored or change the subject.  Just that mom probably shouldn't bring it up, especially if DD is sensitive about it.  At this age, modeling is much more effective than assuming this is/will be a bigger problem than a teen adjusting to growth/lack of growth & learning good habits.  Teach good habits through modeling & making good, easy choices available.  Too much explicit talking about it can backfire, make someone fixate on weight even more.

 

2) I think talking about biochemistry of foods is something parents should talk about with all their kids, even those at "healthy" weights.

 

 

OP, I'm in the don't-bring-it-up camp.  Guide & model but don't make this a bigger issue. 

[8circles]

Say absolutely nothing.  These are your issues bleeding onto her.  It is not a health issue.  You cannot control another person's food intake or weight without causing damage to the person and to the relationship.  (I'm not talking about kids with health issues or young kids for whom the parent is the person preparing the food or they do not eat so do not read that.)  This is a young lady with the information who is making her own choices and is not suffering health consequences.  If you want her to eat produce, prepare it.  Don't buy junk.

 

Smile at her, tell her she is lovely, and let the weight (which is a non issue) go.

 

Yes, 1000x this.

[Joanne]

OP, in addition to TexasMama's very wise post.....

 

I think the hyper-focus on weight and food is counterproductive. Itbisblinebtelling a smoker to quit.

 

Given the info you've posted I do not see an actual problem.

 

OP, it is easy as a woman to develop disordered thinking about weight and food. I think it is possible you have to some degree . I encourage you to get some qualified, specialized help for it.

[Guest]

Are our children so fragile that saying, "hey, I've been doing some research and it turns out that Kind bars have eleventy-billion grams of sugar. I think we need to switch to nut snack packs" will damage them for life?? If so, my kids are screwed. We regularly talk about blood sugar and hidden sugars in food.

[Vera]

Can you sign her up for a race of some kind? I find the treadmill hideously boring unless I am training for something specific. Also, I would make healthy brownies and other goodies and teach her to make those recipes also. I don't keep white flour or white sugar in the house and I love sweets also. I substitute spelt and coconut sugar and cut the sugar way back in our treats. Cut back slowly and you will all get used to it. Then prepared treats will taste way too sweet. I also sneak beans, pumpkin, chia seeds, etc. into almost everything that I bake. My kids tease me about it but they like my food. I also add spinach into everything. I sauté veggies in water instead of oil. I could go on and on but I am getting bored listening to myself. Anyway, I try to focus on healthy eating rather than low fat / low calorie. The goal is to feel good and be strong rather than skinny.

[Soror]

I've started typing a reply several times but keep getting distracted. I had typed something very similar to what Jean wrote, I would come alongside her. What I remember about being a teenage girl is being really sensitive about any of my perceived faults and my mom having any sort of discussion with me about weight or health, in the context of the thoughts and views expressed would have only been hurtful to me. I'll join the chorus that any thoughts of overweight should be banished, her size is not overweight and from  there is absolutely no ill effects to her health for her current size. 

 

 I *would* take my thoughts and feelings only as a wake-up call to look at our family meals and see if I needed to improve those. I wouldn't make any comment about snacks she buys or makes on her own. I *would* look at her doing a health class as part of her schooling ONLY if that had not already been done. At my house it is constant dialogue because such things are interest of mine but nutrition, meal planning and cooking are skills that need to be taught irregardless of someone's size. I would approach it as, "Daughter I realize you are going to be on your own soon and I want to make sure you have all the skills you need take care of yourself," and then perhaps laying out some options for her; documentaries, books and activities(meal planning, cooking, research into various views). I'd not just present one side either but multiple sides - from veg*n, paleo, low fat etc and I would let her view the info herself and I think it would be great to have her look at making meals recommended that each respective camp deems healthy and work on meal planning within those various paradigms. 

 

 As I teen I remember loving to learn something and then using that info to make my own decisions, she needs not to do something because she is told it isn't healthy but she needs to decide what is healthy for herself in regards to what she eats and her activity level but it should be within the framework of educational info. I would make sure that I wasn't going into it with some expectations of change however.

Edited December 5, 2015 by soror

[HomeAgain]

I want to add, we don't talk about weight here.  We talk a lot about food - how it's prepared, what's in season, how it makes us feel, what we like best.  Weight is a byproduct - it's not worth dwelling on.  Food, and the appreciation of well made, good ingredients, now that's a conversation. :)

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 14, 2015 by ^ 022

[Carrie12345]

We take the academic route, which is pretty much how I've introduced all awkward conversations.  My 12 and 13yos are doing nutrition/food systems for science this year by adapting a college textbook and Johns Hopkins' "Teaching the Food System" curriculum.  Even though they've always eaten pretty well, they're applying a lot more to our family diet these days.

[redsquirrel]

Well, my friend never said a word, but cleaned up her own diet and took up daily exercise.  They even bought a dog that needs daily walking, just in case the exercise didn't happen, lol. She and her husband actually went from walking to running 5ks.  They started biking for short errands, scheduling 'family hikes' that were optional but encouraged, etc.  It wasn't long before the kids started making their own changes. My friend was NEVER evangelical about it, like the 'newly healthy' can sometimes be, lol (I am guilty of that one!). She never said a word, just focused on making changes she could control. She has NEVER discussed weight, her own or her daughters, in the house. She also makes a point of never, ever criticizes anyone's body. She will say someone is a 'good dancer' or 'looks very strong'. When people have complimented her, she always responds in terms of health.

 

And...as someone who has battled weight all my life, I would in fact stop keeping things like cocoa in the house on a regular basis.  I don't mean never buy them, just run out and don't replace for a couple weeks.  Then buy it again and run out again.  Making a 'microwave cake in a mug' etc is habit, so break the habit.  She might replace it with something else, but you might be able to find something better.  I do it with my own kids.  If they are eating the big bag of corn chips in 24 hours and leaving the fruit and veg to rot, then it is time to take a break from the chips. I don't say anything, I just 'forgot' to buy them, or the store was out of stock on a busy Saturday. If I neglect to buy them again a second week in a row, they don't seem to notice.  I bring them back when it will be a nice treat, not a regular expectation.

 

And keep making the snacks. Or ask everyone to pitch in and make sure there are healthy snacks available all the time. Baby carrots and store bought hummus don't need much prep.  And making your own hummus is super easy and it freezes very well. Low fat cheese sticks, hard boiled eggs are always good things to have in the house. I sometimes make the eggs into deviled eggs, using  yogurt instead of mayo.

 

I keep lightly steamed veggies in the fridge so they are ready to eat for snacks and packed lunches.  I put out a plate of baby carrots, lightly steamed broccoli, cucumber slices, some hard boiled eggs and some slices of cheddar cheese, maybe a clementine split into segments so it is shared.  I add some hummus or make my own 'ranch' dip (plain yogurt, a dash of mayo, a dash of butter milk and some parsley) and I put that out after school when people are feeling hungry. Amazing how every bit gets eaten by people who 'don't like' veggies. And yes, it is a PIA, but I do it on Sunday evenings when it is quiet. I can get a week's worth of veg steamed and some hummus or low fat bean dip ready to go.

 

But, I think the biggest thing is not to say a single word and just 'be the change you want to see'.  I have absolutely seen that bring about healthier changes for a whole family.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don't vilify or fear food.  I don't think it is healthy to do so.  I believe in moderation outside of specific health problems.  Teens are still growing physically as well as emotionally.  I believe in empowering them to  make good choices without berating them about bad ones.  And I believe that as we are exposed to more and more good choices that it gets easier to like and appreciate those good choices and to make them for ourselves. 

[mamiof5]

I totally know how you feel, we have a 20yr old, and I have friends who also struggle with this. As said by many, I wouldn't say a thing, but definitely model. This is a hard time of the year, with the holidays and all...lots of treats around. But New Year is around the corner. I'd make sure treats and baking supplies are not available... not because of her, but because it's YOUR new year resolution? That way she won't be able to make as many treats? And yes, going on walks etc, but again, I'd tell her it's me (mom)/who wants to acquire some healthier habits. And not eating in the morning? Fought that battle for a long time, and won it a few times, but not very often. They'll eat if they want to, can't convince them other wise (here, dh and oldest dd are not good at having breakfast...I used to nag, but gave up. Their deal). Does she like smoothies? Have heard of folks blending all sorts of healthy stuff in smoothies (spinach, kale, chia seeds, flaxseed), is this something she might like for breakfast?

[BooksandBoys]

I'll chime in to repeat several points made by others. Make healthy eating easy for her. Stop keeping junk food or baking supplies in the house. We don't have them because we have three diabetics in our house plus me, who struggles with my weight. There is no reason to keep that stuff in the house. You company eat what you can't make or find in the cupboard. She's welcome to buy her own stuff if she wants (as am I, my husband, and my children), but we just don't make it easy. If you live close enough, consider modeling that if you want junk or supplies for junk, you'll walk to the store to buy it. I actually do this.

 

If you can afford it, make exercise easy. Let her try Zumba, yoga, martial arts, dance etc until she finds something that is fun. But a stationary bike or treadmill. Set it up in front of the tv. :-) I lost all my college weight by making a desk with myself that I could only watch tv if I was walking on my treadmill. Since I lived alone, I walked a lot. Even I could only read so much.

 

Watch documentaries about this stuff. Invite her to join, but don't force.

 

Otherwise, don't talk about it. She knows.

[ktgrok]

I want to be clear that I agree that if the girl is not actually upset then just present info here and there. But if she is upset and complaining about then offer some help. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

But is she upset because of  her own feelings and frustration about the issue or because she feels upset by her mother's judgement of her weight? 

[Sneezyone]

This is such a strange thread. At 5'4" 145-150, I'm a size 8. Nowhere near overweight or at risk.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I haven't read the other answers. My 17 yo dd has an athletic build. When she us in a sport all is well, when not....so, we began walking and got her a gym membership. I instituted sweets for the house only on "S" days by saying it was about me and my inability to avoid. I keep veggies and fruits cut and ready in the fridge. I never, ever, ever suggested any changes were about her. It's either health or the family helping me. I don't ask or monitor her at all. I think that would make her rebel if only unconsciously.

[ktgrok]

This is such a strange thread. At 5'4" 145-150, I'm a size 8. Nowhere near overweight or at risk.

 

Too much sugar and poor eating habits are bad for you even if you are skinny. That's what I was addressing. Skinny on the outside, fat on the inside is a real problem. 

[Guest]

Too much sugar and poor eating habits are bad for you even if you are skinny. That's what I was addressing. Skinny on the outside, fat on the inside is a real problem.

Exactly!! I'll go out on a limb and say that NO ONE benefits from white bread or granola bars.

[Sneezyone]

Too much sugar and poor eating habits are bad for you even if you are skinny. That's what I was addressing. Skinny on the outside, fat on the inside is a real problem.

This isn't skinny and it's perfectly normal for weight to fluctuate. I have an 11yo at 4'10 who weighs 110. Is she overweight or unhealthy? Heck no. She eats what she wants, bakes a fresh cookie four nights a week, and spends 14 hrs in the gym each week. The obsession with weight and food is so odd to me and I had bariatric surgery myself. 12 years later, it does not control me. I am far more concerned about making sure my kids get and stay active. They don't have time to worry over food when they are busy. All that underlying muscle mass makes everything on top of it look better.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Sneezyone

[ktgrok]

This isn't skinny and it's perfectly normal for weight to fluctuate. I have an 11yo at 4'10 who weighs 110. Is she overweight or unhealthy? Heck no. She eats what she wants, bakes a fresh cookie four nights a week, and spends 14 hrs in the gym each week. The obsession with weight and food is so odd to me and I had bariatric surgery myself. 12 years later, it does not control me. I am far more concerned about making sure my kids get and stay active. They don't have time to worry over food when they are busy. All that underlying muscle mass makes everything on top of it look better.

 

I'm not saying it is skinny. I'm saying a diet too high in sugar isn't healthy, for the overweight, the skinny, or the in between. Now, when you have good insulin responses you can get away with more of it, and you certainly can eat a lot more carbs and calories when exercising 2 hours a day like your daughter, but this was about a young woman not exercising currently, who hates exercise, and is eating sweets daily and not eating fruits and vegetables. 

[Sneezyone]

I'm not saying it is skinny. I'm saying a diet too high in sugar isn't healthy, for the overweight, the skinny, or the in between. Now, when you have good insulin responses you can get away with more of it, and you certainly can eat a lot more carbs and calories when exercising 2 hours a day like your daughter, but this was about a young woman not exercising currently, who hates exercise, and is eating sweets daily and not eating fruits and vegetables.

I thought the OP said she plays a sport year round, team and club.

[jen3kids]

So, to answer some questions some of you have asked...

 

 

I fully admit not to being nutritionist, but I know more than the average person - and I say that as a teacher and seeing what parents put in their lunches thinking they are packing healthy foods.  I know that white bread is not healthy, nor is deli meat, but I wanted her to eat something because she has gone to practice without eating anything and it is not good.   It is true that not everyone needs/wants breakfast but neither is it healthy waiting to eat until you are so famished that all you want to eat is sugars and high fat stuff.  She needs something at some point in the morning.  I'd be happy if she drank a glass of milk and a spoonful of peanut butter.  She gets home from school at 2:30 now since the season is over.  I am home then as well and can have good, healthy foods waiting for her.  I need to do that.  I will do that for her.   I guess I figured that she'd be able to do that on her own.  But she can't, and I didn't do it when I was her age.  I ate tons of junk food and drove my mom nuts.  I don't know why I thought it would be different with my kids.    

 

 

Snacks - she is incredibly picky.  She doesn't eat hummus or dips, no boiled eggs, no green smoothies, no nuts (unless it is walnuts mixed with chocolate chips!), no yogurt unless it is in a smoothie, etc... It is very difficult to find healthy snacks for her.  Her go to food is something leftover from dinner.  The dinners I make are usually quite healthy, but there are times when we have pizza or mac n cheese.  We always have veggies, 

 

Exercise - she refuses to go to a gym, to try exercise classes, or do another sport. She is too self-conscious for that.  She has asked for a treadmill, so we are looking into that.

 

Dd may not be overweight, but she does not feel good about her weight.  I want her to accept herself for who she is, but I know that she does not.  I know her and can read her pretty well.  I believe that most teens go through this at some point.  She cries on her own, not because I have brought anything up.     She asks me to come talk to her, and she cries that none of jeans fit.  I ask her if she'd like to go shopping.  She says no.  I have asked her what she wants to do.  But she doesn't have an answer.

 

I am trying to help her find her way through it and I think that choosing a healthier lifestyle will help her.  How to approach 'eating and exercising' is the issue, and I need to make that decision based on my dd and our relationship. 

 

You have all offered interesting points to consider - some interesting assumptions, but that's ok,  I can filter those out :)

 

 

 

[lllll]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:

[jen3kids]

I'm not saying it is skinny. I'm saying a diet too high in sugar isn't healthy, for the overweight, the skinny, or the in between. Now, when you have good insulin responses you can get away with more of it, and you certainly can eat a lot more carbs and calories when exercising 2 hours a day like your daughter, but this was about a young woman not exercising currently, who hates exercise, and is eating sweets daily and not eating fruits and vegetables. 

 

 

I thought the OP said she plays a sport year round, team and club.

 

She does play year round, but goes from practicing 2 hours/day, 6 days/week to playing 1 hr/week and a single 2 hr practice each week.  So, she is not getting enough exercise now.  

[ktgrok]

Ok, so she is asking you for help. That's excellent! 

[Joanne]

No way. 16 is still a child. It is our obligation as parents to set them on the right nutritional path.

 

 

Her mother says that she eats white bread, fruit and granola bars. She/they DO NOT have correct nutritional information.

 

 

It is our obligation to treat our children - age and stage appropriately - with respect and kindness and care.

 

And, OP said:

 

We have talked.  She has cried about it.  Like many people, she has chosen an exercise program with good intentions but stuck with it for only a few weeks.  Dh invites  her to join him for his P90x workouts.  We have looked at exercise videos she can do in her room.

 

 

The level of micro-management regarding food and movement for this within normal limits near adult - OVER BODY ISSUES has me nearly in tears.

[Joker]

Exactly!! I'll go out on a limb and say that NO ONE benefits from white bread or granola bars.

I really don't understand blanket statements like this. My dds have their weight, height, blood pressure, blood sugar, and cholesterol checked annually. They are very healthy and enjoy their white bread and granola bars.

[Joanne]

 

 

 

Dd may not be overweight, but she does not feel good about her weight.  I want her to accept herself for who she is, but I know that she does not.  I know her and can read her pretty well.  I believe that most teens go through this at some point.  She cries on her own, not because I have brought anything up.     She asks me to come talk to her, and she cries that none of jeans fit.  I ask her if she'd like to go shopping.  She says no.  I have asked her what she wants to do.  But she doesn't have an answer.

 

I am trying to help her find her way through it and I think that choosing a healthier lifestyle will help her.  How to approach 'eating and exercising' is the issue, and I need to make that decision based on my dd and our relationship. 

 

You have all offered interesting points to consider - some interesting assumptions, but that's ok,  I can filter those out :)

 

 

Your words and actions do not match. They are counter productive.

[Joanne]

I really don't understand blanket statements like this. My dds have their weight, height, blood pressure, blood sugar, and cholesterol checked annually. They are very healthy and enjoy their white bread and granola bars.

 

 

Research supports this. Making "good food" and "bad food" distinctions is often counter-productive to having a **healthy** relationship with food.

[TammyS]

  Do I just not have the sugary stuff around, including the ingredients for baking?  

 

This.

 

You can't out-exercise a poor diet.  So this is the most effective way for you to help her.  Just don't have the junk in the house, including ingredients for baking.  I wouldn't even talk about it.  I would just not re-stock when you go to the store. 

 

If she's eating it at night, no longer having it available might cure her "no morning food" problem.  Many people who "just aren't hungry" in the morning are eating late at night.  Take away the night food, morning hunger comes rolling back.

 

You've already offered her exercise options.  At this point, you can go two ways with that: 1. just drop it...constant new offerings will just keep sending her poor messages about how bad she is or 2. just require her to do something (what that should be is entirely up to the two of you) as part of her PE..."I'm the mom, you need exercise, so you're going to do this."   Personally, that's probably the tack I would take.  Not about her weight, but just because it's true.  She can pick something, or I would.  We don't ask kids if they want to take medicine, take a bath, or brush their teeth.  This is no different, IMO.

 

[Joyofsixreboot]

Last point, newer studies/thinking is that skipping breakfast if you're not hungry isn't necessarily harmful.

[Sneezyone]

Research supports this. Making "good food" and "bad food" distinctions is often counter-productive to having a **healthy** relationship with food.

This. all. day.

 

I think this youngster would be better off developing a more positive self image of herself rather than having her negative feelings confirmed. How many of us look back at photos of our younger selves and realize we were overly critical of our appearance for no darn reason? Is she, perhaps, around a group of girls who are super body-conscious?

Edited December 5, 2015 by Sneezyone

[Tsuga]

5'4" and 145 is at the upper end of normal, so with a lot of muscle mass from lacrosse, I would not worry about that in my kid. It's not like she is not able to shape up for a pretty intense sport. I think it would be different if my kid were literally sitting on the couch all day but your daughter isn't at least part of the year.

 

If she doesn't eat in the morning, she doesn't have a chance to eat again until 12pm or so, due to her school schedule.  I think that not eating for 12+ hours isn't healthy.

 

I'd let it go and not force her to eat breakfast. Maybe a cup of tea would be better. She'll be fine. She's not hungry so she doesn't need to eat.

 

That said...

 

If she's upset that her clothes don't fit, and is complaining about it to you, I'd emphasize exercise over diet. When did your clothes last fit? Last lacrosse season. Well... maybe you need that level of activity to feel your best. Imagine what you could do if you trained year round.

 

If she says she doesn't want to then I'd talk about the tradeoffs in life. On the one hand, you don't want to do that level of work. Well, this is how your clothes fit you when you live a sedentary lifestyle. If you value that time of rest, then you need to accept what your body does while it's in rest mode. If you value clothes fitting a certain way, then maybe you need to make sacrifices of time and effort so you can achieve that. The important thing is to know what is important to you and to make healthy choices to achieve that. You can choose to relax for however many months of the year, or you can choose to make sure you always look and feel your lacrosse-playing self, but you can't choose relaxation and looking and feeling like you're working out. Although wouldn't that be nice?

 

There's nothing wrong with gaining 10 lbs on the off season, and many athletes and actors do. There is something wrong if you hate your body on the off season and aren't doing anything about it, and there is something wrong with thinking that how your body functions isn't related to the amount of physical exercise you're putting in.