How to talk to dd (16) about her weight, food choices and exercise

[jen3kids]

This is such a sensitive situation.    I'm at a loss as to how to deal with it!

 

I don't want to push her about it and have her develop a eating disorder.  I believe she knows the basics so maybe she needs a more nutrition, read the labels, type education.  Please don't get the impression that I am insensitive towards her or want her to be something she is not.  I know that there are different body types, but her eating/exercise habits are not healthy.

 

Dd is 16.5, about 5'4" and weighs around 145-150lbs, and I don't think that she is really overweight, just on the far end of the 'normal' scale (and what is normal? - I know it is subjective and relative to other factors).  But I am concerned that she her choices are going to lead to more weight gain.  

 

Exercise...

Dd is only physically active during her high school field hockey season and then she slims down.  As soon as the season ends, she switches to club which is only twice a week (both on the weekend), but her food intake doesn't change.  So, she gains weight, her new school clothes no longer fit, she gets upset.

 

Food...

she has a hard time eating in the morning so I resorted to buying white bread, which she will eat with a slice of sandwich meat, like ham or roast beef. I know deli meats are not healthy, but at least she is eating something.   She will also eat a healthy-ish granola bar, usually a KIND bar of some sort. I do read labels so I know which ones are better.

 

fruits and veggies - apples, oranges, raw carrots, cucumbers, peas, beans broccoli, but only if they are already prepared for her.  I find this beyond frustrating.  She can go days without a fruit or veggie unless I prepare it for her :(  Part of me thinks it is a way for her to, subconsciously, share the blame for her poor eating habits - "Well, Mom didn't get my apple ready so I guess I don't have one to eat today."  She is not a petty person, like that, but I think it is an excuse.

 

Sweets...

We have always talked about not eating a lot of sweets, but she looooves everything sweet and she loves to bake them.  I usually do not have a lot of prepared sweets in the house, but she will just make a chocolate pudding cake or brownie in a mug - everyday!  Not good.  The Trader Joe's cookies are everyone's downfall this time of year though :)

 

 

We have talked.  She has cried about it.  Like many people, she has chosen an exercise program with good intentions but stuck with it for only a few weeks.  Dh invites  her to join him for his P90x workouts.  We have looked at exercise videos she can do in her room.  I have offered to run with her whenever she wants.  She has asked about getting a treadmill.  She doesn't like to run, to exercise just to exercise.  If she could go to a 2 hour field hockey practice everyday all year around, she would, but that is not an option.  She does not want to try another sport.   I have considered signing her up for one of those athletic sports' training classes, but I'm pretty sure she would not be interested. 

 

So, please lay it on - do I leave her alone, knowing that she knows all this already and let her decide what to do about it?  Do I get on her about it?  Do I just not have the sugary stuff around, including the ingredients for baking?  

 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I wouldn't say anything.

 

Really no good can come from it.  And why is it so important to force someone to eat in the morning?  I often don't.  I just can't stomach it first thing in the morning. 

 

Finally, model the good behavior and only buy food that isn't junk.  That might go a longer way than talking to her. 

[ErinE]

I would not say anything.

 

I would have healthy foods prepared. I would consider it a wise investment of my time, because I need to eat healthy too.

 

I would go for daily walks with the family. I'd go to the park and bring a soccer ball. We'd have monthly visits to a trampoline place. I'd sign us up for a gym and lift weights with her or play basketball.

 

The best thing you can do is be a good role model and not mention her weight ever.

[Night Elf]

I tried having that talk with my dd17. She told me she knew it all and while she appreciated I worry, to let it go and not talk to her about it anymore.

[Cammie]

Model good behavoir.

 

Tell her you love her.

 

That's it.  She will have to take control of her food, exercise, etc. in order for it to be part of her lifestyle.

 

Pepare the fruits and veggies - keep them ready in the fridge.

 

I don't think any good can come out of any focus on weight at this age at all.

[Lady Marmalade]

My initial thought is that exercise programs and workouts are not everyone's cup of tea.  She already participates in a team activity that she enjoys, is there something something else for her to do in her off-season that she would like?  Swimming? Diving? Roller Derby? Fencing? Rock-Climbing? Dance?  There are a lot of things out there that you may not have thought of before.

 

I also would not stop buying sweets and baking ingredients.  If she can't get those things from you, she is going to get them anyway and then the choices may not be so great.  I grew up in a home with a closed kitchen.  It never would have been okay for me to just walk into the kitchen and make myself a sweet without asking.  Instead I took my babysitting money and had a candy/snack cake/soda horde in my bedroom.  

 

If your DD's diet is bothering you, then I would suggest that you go to the trouble of having those fruits and veggies already prepared.  Cut up veggies on their own are boring, so also have dip, hummus or PB on hand for dunking those carrot sticks.  Maybe you could work out one day a week where together you prepare a supply of snacking foods to keep in the fridge? 

[jen3kids]

I wouldn't say anything.

 

Really no good can come from it.  And why is it so important to force someone to eat in the morning?  I often don't.  I just can't stomach it first thing in the morning. 

 

Finally, model the good behavior and only buy food that isn't junk.  That might go a longer way than talking to her. 

 

If she doesn't eat in the morning, she doesn't have a chance to eat again until 12pm or so, due to her school schedule.  I think that not eating for 12+ hours isn't healthy.  I too have a hard time eating when I first get up, but I can eat on my way to work, and I'm off work by 10:30am most days.

 

We do model good eating habits and I don't have much, if any junk in the house - except for those Trader Joe's cookies :)

 

I would not say anything.

 

I would have healthy foods prepared. I would consider it a wise investment of my time, because I need to eat healthy too.

 

I would go for daily walks with the family. I'd go to the park and bring a soccer ball. We'd have monthly visits to a trampoline place. I'd sign us up for a gym and lift weights with her or play basketball.

 

The best thing you can do is be a good role model and not mention her weight ever.

 

I will do better preparing healthy foods for all of us.  I did, at one time, have plates of veggies in the fridge, and we always have fruit.  We have nuts and seeds too.  

 

She does not want to join in on walks.  A trip to the trampoline place is a possibility.  Maybe a membership to a gym....but then she'd be exercising in front of people - horrifying for her, for some reason.  I always tell her that no one watching, but she doesn't care.

[Kristie in Florida]

I'm in a similar situation with my daughter. My husband is also concerned about his weight. I'm pregnant and just want the best for everybody.

 

So since I'm the one who does all of the cooking, I am in the process of overhauling how we eat. Slowly. We also like to take walks as a family and my daughter is in ballet, so that helps. My daughter and I exercise together sometimes as well but there is only so much I can do pregnant right now. She loves the blogilates videos on YouTube and I can't do that type of pilates at the moment.

 

So... switch up the food you all have, offer lots of healthy choices, and see about exercising as a family. That's what I gently suggest.

[Tammyla]

I would get a treadmill.  They make indoor exercise easy.

 

For the food, I would try making snacks ahead of time for her.  It's a pain, but she is still growing and maturing;  the habits you help her develop today will benefit her for a life time.

 

 

I struggle with getting my two to eat healthy choices, both will choose quick and easy.  I make sure there are always cut or baby carrots, washed and ready to eat veggies and fruits on hand along with other easy (bagged) good choice snacks.  Mine are pretty much grown, but I still have to work on this pretty much everyday.

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 14, 2015 by ^ 022

[kewb]

I struggle with the same thing with my 15 year old daugter. She is overweight. I always have fruits and veggies in the house but she doesn't want to peel a carrot. She wants it already cut up for her. Sometimes there is junk good but not often or I will eat it. She swims competitively. She is in the pool 4 days a week. I know she purchases junk food when she is out of the house and eats junk at her friends houses. Her whole life we have discussed nutrition. Portion control. Label reading. She knows what to do but she doesn't do it. I think her biggest challenge is portion control. She has no off button. Her brother can eat just about all he wants and remain a string bean. If he has two helpings at dinner then she wants two helpings.

On the one hand she is confident in who she is. On the other hand I know she would like to be thinner but she doesn't want to make the diet changes necessary to do so. We have discussed my concerns for her long term health. And what I don't want for her future. Type 2 diabetes runs in the family. I do not discuss her weight because I hated my mother harping on my weight. I was aware of my weight problem and my mother making fat faces at me while I ate a bowl of ice cream and being the food police was not helpful. My focus has always been healthy body and proper nutrition.

It is is not easy.

Edited December 5, 2015 by kewb

[The Girls' Mom]

I have focused on what healthy choices look like.  We, as a family, don't always make the healthy choices, even though we know what they are.  We go through periods of eating great, and periods of eating horribly.  

 

My oldest doesn't like vegetables, and has an allergic reaction to most fruits and all nuts.  What can I do?  She's 18 now, and buys her own food when she isn't home.  I saw that she was eating a LOT of sugar, and I did bring it up.  It wasn't framed in terms of weight though.  Diabetes is a big problem in our extended family.  I kind of jokingly told her that her pancreas was screaming at her to please stop.  Then we talked about how even though she isn't feeling the immediate effects of all of that junk, 10-15 years down the road she was going to have some pretty major trouble.  

She still eats candy like it is going out of style.  There isn't much I can do about it at this point.  I think after a certain age, they just have to make that choice on their own.  Forcing the issue will just cause resentment, and possibly make it worse.

FWIW, your daughter is in sports, and it doesn't sound like she has a completely horrible diet.  MANY people don't eat in the morning.  My dh never eats until after noon, neither does one of my other daughters.  I would think not eating breakfast at all (if she isn't hungry) is better than eating white bread.  

[ktgrok]

Ok, as someone with a lifetime history of obesity that started creeping on in puberty, I'm going to be pretty straight with you and her and say things that might have helped me, way back then. And maybe the things I did that made it worse. 

 

First, I hate to exercise just to exercise. I get that. I'm betting she likes the team spirit of her hockey team, and the comraderie, etc. So can you recreate a group activity? Maybe a martial arts class or yoga class or zumba or something during the off season? A gym membership? and honestly, the best thing I've found for myself is to read on a treadmill. I hate to exercise, but I love to read. So I bribe myself, and walk and read at the same time :)  She could walk on a treadmill while watching a show on her  phone with headphones or whatever. 

 

But, I will also say that although exercise is important for health  and metabolism, and regulating glucose/insulin, 90 percent of your weight is what you eat, according to most people. So, that's the real issue. There may be times in her adult life she doesn't manage to exercise, but she will always have to eat. 

 

Can you watch, as a family, the documentary Fed Up? It's excellent in talking about the danger of all the sweets. And about being "skinny fat" where even if she's active and looks healthy, too many sweets can lead to being unhealthy all on their own. And then, if she will watch it, there is a video on youtube by Robert Lustig, (he's shown in Fed Up too) that is him speaking at a conference about sugar. IT's called Sugar: the Bitter Truth. The long version is almost an hour and half, but it's REALLY good. It goes into how sugar is processed in the body exactly like alcohol, basically it's booze without the buzz and it messes you up. That might help her see what she's doing, and why she can't stop with one brownie. 

 

Finally, if she needs you to prep the veggies, prep the veggies. She's not an adult yet. She doesn't even really like the veggies. Do this for her. Hell, I don't like them that much, and the only way I get them in mydiet is to make it super easy. I'm known to buy the already cut up apple slices and pay that extra money because I know it means I'm more likely to eat it, and I know my health is worth the extra money. I buy the "recipe ready" veggies in the freezer section, because again even though it costs more I'm more likey to use/eat them if I make it easy. I often just broil them for about 10 minutes, for a fire roasted kind of taste that is super quick. So yeah, this is hugely important, so make it easy for her. Make up a giant salad, heck, have her help you, and keep it in the fridge. 

 

Finally, ditch the white bread. Have her eat just the deli meat, or a slice of meat rolled in a slice of cheese. Or make her a protein smoothie. Heck, buy some ready made low sugar ones. Do this for her, to get her in the right habits. Years from now she'll have to do it herself, but by then she will ideally already be in the habit of making these choices. Give her that head start, I beg of you. If there is anything you can do to steer her away from the lifelong yo yo dieting, high carb, insulin resistant road please do it. 

 

Links:

Fed Up: http://www.netflix.com/title/70299287

Sugar: The Bitter Truth: 

 

[ktgrok]

Oh, and although I do think you need to address this, don't do it in terms of weight. Do it in terms of health. 

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 14, 2015 by ^ 022

[Pawz4me]

Other than modeling good behavior and keeping already cut up fruits and veggies on hand, I would let it go.

 

At that height and those weights she's at the very top of normal BMI to very slightly into the overweight category.  Given the problems with BMI, those numbers are nowhere near anything that I would be concerned about.  I think trying to force the issue is likely going to do much more damage to your relationship than it will benefit her health.

 

IME and IMO you can control your own food and weight issues, but it's best not to even go there with someone else.  At least not someone who is essentially an adult.

 

As far as not eating breakfast -- I was raised to be a breakfast eater and had the intention of raising my kids that way.  But oldest has never been a morning eater.  And it never hurt him.  He's extremely fit.  He ran cross country and distance track in high school w/o it ever causing a problem.  He's 20 now, but last Sunday morning before he had to head back to school he got up and w/o eating a thing went to the gym for about an hour to do weights and then came home and went for a 30 minute run.   And it didn't phase him a bit.  Not everybody's body needs or can tolerate fuel in the a.m.  And there's some compelling info available that says those mini fasts may be good for us.

 

As someone who had a (self induced) eating disorder in her 20's, I can only imagine how much worse I probably would have been if I'd had any pressure at all about my weight from my parents.  I doubt I would be here today to respond to this post.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Pawz4me

[ktgrok]

Oh, and make it seem that you are both on the same team, together, working to be healthy. NEVER judge her for her choices, or make it about her being weak, etc. Just don't. My mom judged my weight, and that didn't help. Don't make it her against you, make it the two of you against a world full of good and bad choices. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Come along side of her.  And get her involved in helping you.  This age is about making healthy habits that they will keep even after they are launched (hopefully). 

 

Set aside some time on the weekend for the two of you to prep a bunch of fruits and veggies for the week - for all of you.  After all, she's not the only one who should have access to good choices. 

 

Do active things as a family.  Go ice skating.  Roller skating.  Go to the Y.  Go swimming in an indoor pool (or outdoor if you are a lucky person who lives in a warm climate).  Go hiking. 

 

I agree that I would ditch the white bread at breakfast.  Make the cheese/meat rolls that Ktgrok suggested.  Or spread peanut butter on some cut apples. 

 

Put her in charge of making a healthy dinner once a week.

 

Give her good memories around good healthy food and exercise.  People respond to positive, not negative. 

[JFSinIL]

Don't say anything.  She knows. She may just resent your "nagging".   Keep baking supplies out of the house. If she really wants to bake, she has to buy the supplies.  Cut up the fruits and veggies without comment. And help her find another sport to do in field hocky off-season.

 

She can grab a Kind bar to eat at school whenever she does get hungry. Not everyone can face eating first thing in the morning ( I live with a few of those folks!)

 

 

Edited December 5, 2015 by JFSinIL

[Jane Elliot]

I agree with everyone who said, don't say anything to her. To give you some ideas of what you can do, see if you can find books by Brian Wansink in your library(either Mindless Eating or Slim by Design.) From the back cover of Slim by Design:

 

In this paradigm-shattering book, leading behavioral economist and food psychologist Brian Wansink—dubbed the "Sherlock Holmes of food" and the "wizard of why"—offers a radical new philosophy for weight loss. The answer isn't to tell people what to do; it's to set up their living environments so that they will naturally lose weight. Using cutting-edge, never-before-seen research from his acclaimed Food and Brand Lab at Cornell University, Wansink reveals how innovative and inexpensive design changes—from home kitchens to restaurants, from grocery stores to schools and workplaces—can make it mindlessly easy for people to eat healthier and make it more profitable for the companies who sell the food).

In Slim by Design, Wansink argues that the easiest, quickest, and most natural way to reverse weight gain is to work with human nature, not against it. He demonstrates how schools can nudge kids to take an apple instead of a cookie, how restaurants can increase profits by selling half-size portions, how supermarkets can double the amount of fruits and vegetables they sell, and how anyone can cut plate refills at home by more than a third. Interweaving drawings, charts, floor plans, and scorecards with new scientific studies and compelling insights that will make you view your surroundings in an entirely fresh way, this entertaining, eye-opening book offers practical solutions for changing your everyday environment to make you, your family, and even your community slim by design.

Edited December 5, 2015 by Snowdrop

[catz]

I would not have sweet stuff or convenient baking ingredients.  I would stop buying white bread.  I would model good behavoir.  I would walk or jog and invite her to come if she wants but not force.  I would just keep healthy choices available and keep exercise options available without comment.   I think Jean had good suggestions too.

[Catherine]

1. Model healthy eating and exercise habits.

2. Don't mention her habits or appearance.  

3. Love and accept her just as she is.  That IMO is far more important in this age group.  

 

I have a child that makes really poor food choices, and has consistently since he gained control of this.  He is very thin and tall, so there is no concern about his weight.  But I have not prevailed on changing his behavior one bit by pointing out the obvious.  I do the shopping and cooking, so there is healthy food here, but really, I love cookies sometimes too and I see nothing wrong with that.  I think he is beginning to learn a bit of moderation.  I have another child, son, who really eats remarkably healthily, but his genetics are different and he's always tended toward plumpness-this bugs him, particularly given his brother's build and example! I have said so many times to him, "People come in all sizes.  Put your energy into taking care of yourself, not thinking about your appearance."  Injustice!  Some people are just going to be thin, regardless.  

[maize]

Another vote for let it be. I can't imagine living with someone who was keeping tabs on what I eat and how much I weigh. Keep modeling healthy, providing good food, and supporting her athletic activities, but let her have ownership of her own body.

 

Seriously, my eighty-something year old grandmother still nags my 67 year old aunt about losing weight. Not a healthy dynamic!

[FO4UR]

If you do anything, I would focus on what makes her FEEL better.  What foods give her sustained energy?  What activities are fun and charge her up?  What are some different ways to prepare food (aside from baking in wheat and sugar...LOL)?

 

 

Teach HER to prepare her own fuel...food.  She's 16yo.  It's time.  Get her a set of her own food storage containers and show her how to fill them once or twice a week so she has stuff to grab on busy days.

 

 

[StephanieZ]

At 16+, I think you should lay off. Treat her as an adult (who you love) on this issue. She's well old enough to understand weight issues and at her age, she has MORE negative consequences to being heavy than any of us adults do, so she's got plenty of pressure. 

 

I think it's fine to occasionally remind a teen/young adult *who has a healthy, non anxious relationship with food/health/weight* that "bread and cheese alone do not keep you healthy . . . How about some carrots and hummus? I'll fix it." . . . "Please consider eating some vegetables and protein today, so that you don't dissolve into a puddle of starch and fat . . ." or other similarly specific, educational, gentle requests/suggestions/offers . . . These are the sorts of comments I make to my teens . . . BUT, my teens are all healthy weight/thin and none has ever been distressed or upset about their weight/eating/etc. Once someone crosses into the stressed-about-weight zone (as your dd clearly has since she has cried about it), then, IMHO, you have to go 100% into supportive-and-stay-out-of-it mode. 

 

Dd gets it. She just is heavier than you (and she) would like. 

 

Get. Over. It.

 

Never. Mention. It. Again.

 

The only things I would do are the same things I'd suggest regarding any loved one that you live with  . . .

 

Aim to have healthy foods in the house and prepared for meals. Avoid having unhealthy foods. You can run out of baking chocolate periodically (wouldn't work with driving teens . . . my new drivers cheerfully drove 20 min each way to the market to get baking ingredients any time of the day or night!!); you can stop buying white bread and processed meats (It's crap for you/us, so I'm not spending my money on it . . .) .

 

Personally, I think the "eat breakfast every day" thing is oversold. Some people (self included) don't get hungry in the morning. I can do just fine TYVM with my weight skipping breakfast (and lunch sometimes). I do fine if I eat something healthy in the morning, too (and feel stronger and better for it), but I SURE wouldn't stoop to eating something terrible for me (white bread + processed meat) in an effort to eat breakfast. A sweet tasting fruit/yogurt smoothie might be just her cup of tea. (Bananas add a lot of sweet, so be sure to include half a frozen banana . . . This allows me to avoid any added sugar.) If you have the time to prepare her fruits/veggies, then by all means do. Exploring breakfast smoothies might be a nice idea, too -- make one for yourself and others, too. They're yummy and great for you. (Frozen fruit makes this easy!! Just choose recipes that use plain yogurt + fruit only + ice + milk .. . You can include some vanilla yogurt or a dash of honey if you must have more sweet.)

 

Enjoy exercise and share it with those you love. Invite her to join you for a walk or bike ride or whatever. Your dh can keep on making her welcome to join you. Readily finance physical activities/equipment/teams/etc. 

 

So, anyway, those are the sorts of things I'd try to do . . . make my own life and household as healthy as possible and gently assist those you love in making good food and activity choices.

 

And, beyond that, I'd do some work on MYSELF to learn to embrace my kid any weight she is and get over my own issues about weight. 

 

FWIW, my (thin) mom was weird about weight and it really irritated me as a young adult. It made me think LESS OF HER (and she was a tremendous woman). Although I was never obese, as a college kid my weight fluctuated 25-30# +/- for a few years from my very thin early teen body to a heavier but still "normal" weight and even touched briefly into overweight. I was "away" at college/grad school, and often when I'd see her, she'd remark on that I'd lost weight and looked thinner and how great that was. She'd make that comment whether I had lost weight or gained! She was NOT an intentionally manipulative person, so I am confident she believed it when she said it . . . To me, it was an insult. I hated the attention to my weight. Then, also, she'd make negative comments (to me) about her (only) sister's weight, too. I finally called her out on it after many years, and she stopped that . . . That sort of fixation on other people's weight (particularly coming from a thin woman) just felt very ugly to me. And, my mom was NOT an ugly person. She was loving, generous, accepting, and kind. Anyway, having had that experience myself, I am and will remain vigilant to not fall into that trap with my own children. If one of them gets fat, I'll focus on learning to get over my image of who they should be and love who they are.

 

Fat isn't the end of the world. They could grow up to be assholes. I'd rather they grow up to be fat. 

 

 

 

Edited December 5, 2015 by StephanieZ

[itsheresomewhere]

Let it go. It sounds like you were my mother growing up and had these conversations with me. I know my family meant well but the hurt from the conversation was a lot more. I was a healthy weight which looking back made it worse but in her defense I was bigger than most of the family so she didn't see it correctly. The hurt feelings stay with you for a long time.

 

If you want too and don't mention the weight- can you and the rest of the family spend an hour or so cut up veggies together to put in the fridge for the week?

[momto10blessings]

If my mom had said anything to me at that age, I would have been extremely pissed.

If anything, keep healthy foods around the house and eat them yourself. Offer them to her. Go running every day and invite her.

Anything else? Drop it.

[katilac]

I would not say a single word at this point.

 

She knows. She's 16+, she has the knowledge, y'all have talked about it before, so I don't see any great potential gain in discussing it.

 

I do see great potential harm in discussing it again. She doesn't want to exercise in front of other people, so she probably fits the pattern of teenagers tending to be incredibly sensitive and self-conscious. We can say things to them that we regard as no big deal, just the facts, but it's humiliating and horrifying to the teen. 

 

I would do everything I could to make the environment conducive to healthy choices, and leave it at that. 

 

I'd cut up the veggies and fruit. 

 

I wouldn't suddenly stop buying baking ingredients (obvious much? that would have humiliated and pissed me off as a teen), but I would try to find a few somewhat-better, convenient snacks that she might opt for instead. 

 

Suggest (and pay for) some fun, active outings as a family, with absolutely no reference to exercise. Trampoline place, climbing gym, picnics at the park - let her invite friends and they are likely to at least wander off at a leisurely stroll, lol. 

 

She may choose to not join in on family walks or bike rides, but it's still great to model them. And she may choose to join in at some point if it's a regular thing. 

 

I would let her eat what she wants for breakfast, including nothing at all. A protein bar can be eaten between classes as needed. I might offer a meat and cheese rollup instead of a sandwich, but I wouldn't suddenly stop buying white bread when that's what she normally eats in the morning. Again, obvious and embarrassing. 

 

good luck!

Edited December 5, 2015 by katilac

[Pegasus]

  I think that not eating for 12+ hours isn't healthy. 

 

Do a little research on intermittent fasting and "eating windows" and see if you change your mind on this.  There's pretty good evidence that this is one of the best things your daughter can do.

[katilac]

   <snip>  often when I'd see her, she'd remark on that I'd lost weight and looked thinner and how great that was. <snip> 

 

 

I always joke that my mom would be mildly pleased if any of us won the Nobel prize - that's nice, dear, I'm glad work is going well - but if we lost weight and looked thinner? That is reason for celebration, she's breaking out the brass band and warmly telling us how very proud she is, lol. 

[Katy]

Don't talk about it.  Stop buying bread.  Stop buying kind bars and lunch meat.  Stop buying ingredients for mug cakes.

 

Buy things that make healthy choices easier.  Get almonds or pecans instead of kind bars.  Put 7-10 nuts into snack bags instead of kind bars.

 

Buy things like chicken, fish, and frozen veggies (without sauce).  Either cook & clean everything the second you bring it home from the store, or buy the pre-cut kind.

 

Do buy ingredients for healthier desserts- put fruit in some sugar-free jello.  Mix up sugar free pudding using skim milk and a scoop of protein powder.  Make everything lower in fat and higher in protein.

 

Find something fun to do together.  Go for a walk.  Learn to skate and join an ice hockey league. Take a zumba class. Go "shopping" not to shop, but actually to move around the mall for 3-5 hours.

[OnMyOwn]

I think this is a time when many girls gain weight. They've stopped growing, but don't realize they can no longer eat as if they were.

 

I decided to specifically teach my kids facts about weight loss and weight gain. Part of that was having them keep a food and exercise log in Sparkpeople for a couple of weeks and having them calculate a rough estimate of how many calories they need for their body size to maintain a healthy weight, to lose weight and to gain weight.

 

I have also encouraged them to get into the habit of weighing in privately once a week. If you are at a healthy weight and you start to see the scale go up a pound or two, it is so much easier to cut back for a few days than to try to lose a larger amount down the road when you suddenly realize you've gained way more than you thought.

 

I don't think it is good to obsess on the scale or food tracking, but weighing in once a week helps me to be realistic and learning to count calories as a teen has helped me understand portion sizes and what my body needs in a world where I'm surrounded by super-sized fries and mega boxes of candy.

 

At first, I was concerned about talking so directly to my dd especially about this topic. But, I struggled with my own weight as a young teen. It made me absolutely miserable and I was only given vague information about what to do about it. When I was 16, I hit the library, read everything I could on weight loss and nutrition and lost the weight. I wanted my dd to have this information before it became an issue. When I decided to pass it along, I also decided that I wouldn't harp on it. That I would let her do what she wanted to with it, but that she at least deserved the information.

 

I also do my best to model "normal" eating and I do not bring lots of junk into the house. I've found one of the biggest helps in not eating junk food is to just not have it in the house. Because if it is here, someone is going to eat it. Not to say that we never have Trader Joe's cookies, but I really try to keep it at a minimum. I can't resist sweets myself if they are in the house.

[katilac]

 

I decided to specifically teach my kids facts about weight loss and weight gain.  

 

 

I don't think this and your other suggestions are necessarily bad ideas at all, but I wouldn't do it in the OP's case, simply because they already have a history of discussing food, exercise, and weight, and because the daughter is 16+. 

 

When done matter-of-factly and, as you said, before it's an issue, I think it can be fine. Preferably it would be done as part of science/health class, just presenting the facts. 

[Peaceful Isle]

Her height and weight don't seem like a huge issue to me. At 5'4" , 148 is a normal weight according to the bmi chart. That is about where I am right now.

 

I have always been around your daughters height and weight, and never been a skinny girl. I wouldn't nag her. She knows when her clothes get tight. She is old enough to know that she doesn't like it. :(

I would just keep loving her, preparing healthy meals, getting her to go on walks with you, or maybe watching her favorite shows while walking on the treadmill. ( that's what my dd does)

 

Just love her. I was constantly told I needed to lose weight as a teen, and I never felt good enough or pretty enough for my parents.

[J-rap]

I used to worry about that too, because I have four daughters, and also had two close friends growing up with severe eating disorders.  I decided to not talk about it and not make a big deal of it.  At least not directly.  I modeled good eating habits, and sometimes would talk about it -- but not related to them, just in general.  I made sure to mostly just have good, healthy food on hand.  I also didn't get extreme in my habits because I don't think that's good either.  (Sweets in moderation!  :) )   I got a bullet blender and had frozen fruit and spinach or kale and plain nonfat yogurt on hand, and we all got into making smoothies.  (It's amazing how that almost takes care of that sweet craving!)  I provided lots of opportunities for them to exercise to try and find something they'd enjoy (without them realizing it was for exercise! ha).  I'd take walks and invite them to come along, and we'd have crazy races of who could walk the fastest.  I taught them how to make wholesome stews in our slow cookers with beans and veggies.

 

For kids who aren't naturally inclined to exercise, this is not a habit that will take place overnight.  Honestly, probably 4 out of my 5 kids are NOT naturally inclined to be this way.  But by the time each of them was in their early 20's or so, they pretty much had developed really good eating habits and exercise that they enjoyed.  It's a process.

Edited December 5, 2015 by J-rap

[ktgrok]

I don't get the "drop it, don't talk about it" advice. She says the girl is already upset about this, to the point of crying about her weight and or eating. If she was that upset about something else, would you ignore it? Or help her? She may know what she needs to know, she may not. She may think low fat but high sugar is fine. She may not know much at all. And given the epidemic of type 2 diabetes in our society, and the number of people sick from diet related causes, this could be a very serious health issue that can be addressed now, in the early stages. If you saw a teen with risk factors for some other disease, wouldn't you say something?? I mean, we tell them to put on sunscreen, to stay hydrated in hot weather, to get enough sleep, to wear a seat belt in the car, to avoid drugs and alcohol, etc.  Diet issues are just as important. 

 

Again, I do NOT mean shaming her in ANY way. I mean saying, hey, lets look at the biochemistry of how some foods owrk in our body. What foods make us feel hungrier? What foods help us feel satiated? What does sugar do to our bodies. I'd make it about US, not HER. 

 

SO many people said in one of the other threads here that is is easier to get control of weight and eating issues early, rather than when you are already significantly overweight. And yet people say just ignore this? 

 

and to be clear, I'm not worried about her weight. I'm worried about the diet and high sugar content of it. 

[texasmama]

Say absolutely nothing.  These are your issues bleeding onto her.  It is not a health issue.  You cannot control another person's food intake or weight without causing damage to the person and to the relationship.  (I'm not talking about kids with health issues or young kids for whom the parent is the person preparing the food or they do not eat so do not read that.)  This is a young lady with the information who is making her own choices and is not suffering health consequences.  If you want her to eat produce, prepare it.  Don't buy junk.

 

Smile at her, tell her she is lovely, and let the weight (which is a non issue) go.

[OnMyOwn]

I don't think this and your other suggestions are necessarily bad ideas at all, but I wouldn't do it in the OP's case, simply because they already have a history of discussing food, exercise, and weight, and because the daughter is 16+.

 

When done matter-of-factly and, as you said, before it's an issue, I think it can be fine. Preferably it would be done as part of science/health class, just presenting the facts.

Yes, you are probably right. I was honing in on OPs comments about her dd maybe needed more info, but if she's already sensitive I wouldn't do it. When I struggled with my weight, I felt intense shame about it. In some ways, I wish someone would have just given me the info, but maybe I had to find it on my own. That would be a decision OP would have to very carefully consider. Edited December 5, 2015 by OnMyOwn

[lllll]

nm

Edited December 14, 2015 by ^ 022

[ktgrok]

And to be clear, I had my teenager learn about this, watch the documentaries I listed, read Michael Polan's book The Omnivore's Dilemma, etc. And he's underweight. So it's not about weight for me, it's about health. 

[texasmama]

Fat isn't the end of the world. They could grow up to be assholes. I'd rather they grow up to be fat. 

Yep.  I made a very conscious decision with a teen dd not to say anything in spite of obesity, not just "heavier than I or she preferred" but obesity.  You better believe it pushed every one of my buttons as a woman.  But I kept my mouth shut because I knew the choice I was making for my kid was fat or eating disorder/ruining our relationship/having her think I valued her only if she was not obese, and I knew the better (and ironically, healthier) choice.  She is 20 now, and I have no regrets.  Life is hard enough without knowing your mother thinks you are fat.

[ktgrok]

And she said her daughter is upset about how her clothes fit, etc. The daughter wants to not be dealing with this, needs help, and that's why I say don't ignore it. We wouldn't ignore it if she needed help with her grades, etc. If the daughter was perfectly happy as she is, maybe. But she's not. 

 

To say "well, she knows what to do so ignore it" goes along with the idea that people that are overweight just don't really want to lose weight, or they would. Help her if she wants help. Be on her team, her partner. You can do that, I think, without being a critic or a judge. 

[texasmama]

And she said her daughter is upset about how her clothes fit, etc. The daughter wants to not be dealing with this, needs help, and that's why I say don't ignore it. We wouldn't ignore it if she needed help with her grades, etc. If the daughter was perfectly happy as she is, maybe. But she's not. 

 

To say "well, she knows what to do so ignore it" goes along with the idea that people that are overweight just don't really want to lose weight, or they would. Help her if she wants help. Be on her team, her partner. You can do that, I think, without being a critic or a judge. 

Katie, I think there is a very different dynamic with a teen boy who is underweight (as you described your son) and a teen girl who is overweight.  Society views it differently.  As a woman, mom brings her own baggage to bear in the situation.  You will need to trust me in the BTDT category with an obese teen dd who was very unhappy about her weight.  I am so very glad that I bit my tongue in half and let her work this out on her own, not without information, help or support but only if she asked me.  It was the right choice for her.  It was a fine line to walk.  She is an adult now so I have the benefit of hindsight.  No regrets here.  YMMV.

[texasmama]

Also, if  I am unhappy about my weight and mention it to someone in my life, this is not an invitation for them to "help me" lose weight.  No thanks. That is a private battle there.  At the age of 16, I apply the same rules.

[Katy]

I don't get the "drop it, don't talk about it" advice. She says the girl is already upset about this, to the point of crying about her weight and or eating. If she was that upset about something else, would you ignore it? Or help her? She may know what she needs to know, she may not. She may think low fat but high sugar is fine. She may not know much at all. And given the epidemic of type 2 diabetes in our society, and the number of people sick from diet related causes, this could be a very serious health issue that can be addressed now, in the early stages. If you saw a teen with risk factors for some other disease, wouldn't you say something?? I mean, we tell them to put on sunscreen, to stay hydrated in hot weather, to get enough sleep, to wear a seat belt in the car, to avoid drugs and alcohol, etc.  Diet issues are just as important. 

 

Again, I do NOT mean shaming her in ANY way. I mean saying, hey, lets look at the biochemistry of how some foods owrk in our body. What foods make us feel hungrier? What foods help us feel satiated? What does sugar do to our bodies. I'd make it about US, not HER. 

 

SO many people said in one of the other threads here that is is easier to get control of weight and eating issues early, rather than when you are already significantly overweight. And yet people say just ignore this? 

 

and to be clear, I'm not worried about her weight. I'm worried about the diet and high sugar content of it. 

 

I said that because of the actual numbers.  This child is a normal weight, she's just choosing sugar like every other child does given the choice.  She's already talked about it.  Most kids, even ones raised in healthy homes, choose junk food on a regular basis until they are in their mid-20's. I think the issues are more mom's than kids.  And where they aren't, making healthy choices easier will do more than enough good. Also, the percentage of girls that age who fall into eating disorders in college are scary to me.

[ktgrok]

I said that because of the actual numbers.  This child is a normal weight, she's just choosing sugar like every other child does given the choice.  She's already talked about it.  Most kids, even ones raised in healthy homes, choose junk food on a regular basis until they are in their mid-20's. I think the issues are more mom's than kids.  And where they aren't, making healthy choices easier will do more than enough good. Also, the percentage of girls that age who fall into eating disorders in college are scary to me.

 

Where as the percentage of people ending up with Type 2 diabetes is also scary. I was that teen girl, bordering on overweight. I get that it can be dicey. I'm not saying to come down on her. I'm saying when she brings it up, as it sounds like she has, sit and talk about it. Don't police the sugar, give HER the information about it. Teach her, and then what she does is her business, yes. But I don't think just ignoring it when there are so many risk factors is a good idea.

 

Now, in some cases the relationship might preclude that, I get that. And maybe that's true in this case, but the OP didn't mention that, so I was going on the assumption that wasn't an issue. I figured if the mom made this about the family, about "US" versus about the teen girl in particular, that it could be done without shaming. Homeschooling makes it easier, as you can sneak it into a health class, but if she's in school I guess that wouldn't work. 

 

But mom can still say, "I heard about this documentary, and I think I need to start watching my sugar intake. Let's watch it tonight as a family and learn more, so after the holidays we can all try to eat healthy." That kind of thing is said in my home, and seems different to me than "you keep putting on weight, maybe you should stop eating so much junk." 

 

But I will accept that I don't have a teen girl, so could be off base. I'm going by my own history, of being that teen. I wish I had known then what I know now. 

[HomeAgain]

The best thing I ever did for my kid was enrolling him in cooking classes.  Learning knife work, prep methods, and basic cooking techniques helped him slide into the kitchen easily and make him more comfortable with a range of foods.

 

Second best thing I did was changing our dinner plates.  Making sure there are two large helpings of fruits/veggies at dinner, plus one small of protein and starch helps retrain the brain.

 

Third, we got rid of the overly processed.  More sugar in the body means the body wants more sugar.  Too many boxed foods have sugar added when they're not needed (looking at you, diced tomatoes with chili!)

Fourth, we put sweets on the menu.  It sounds counterproductive, but knowing there's a homemade apple pie coming or it's gingerbread day gives us something to *share*.  And since it's after a meal, a small piece is all anyone really wants.

 

Habits have to be a family thing.  It's hard to grow readers if you only watch tv.  It's hard to grow healthy kids if you don't model, encourage, and plan together.

 

Now, from the other side.  I grew up in a very "whole foods", active house.  Gardens, making our own yogurt, walking a mile to the store...as soon as I left my eating and exercise habits changed for the worse.  That was about 5 years' worth, before I hit my mid twenties and started migrating back to what I was taught as a kid.  She'll change. Who she is right now, and what she does right now, doesn't mean that it will be her life.

[ILiveInFlipFlops]

Also, if  I am unhappy about my weight and mention it to someone in my life, this is not an invitation for them to "help me" lose weight.  No thanks. That is a private battle there.  At the age of 16, I apply the same rules.

 

This. There is no faster way to make me think, "F you, I'll eat what I want, when I want" than to bring up my weight. I don't think there's a female in this country today who doesn't know that extra weight + junk food = unhealthy. 

 

Where as the percentage of people ending up with Type 2 diabetes is also scary. I was that teen girl, bordering on overweight. I get that it can be dicey. I'm not saying to come down on her. I'm saying when she brings it up, as it sounds like she has, sit and talk about it. Don't police the sugar, give HER the information about it. Teach her, and then what she does is her business, yes. But I don't think just ignoring it when there are so many risk factors is a good idea.

 

Now, in some cases the relationship might preclude that, I get that. And maybe that's true in this case, but the OP didn't mention that, so I was going on the assumption that wasn't an issue. I figured if the mom made this about the family, about "US" versus about the teen girl in particular, that it could be done without shaming. Homeschooling makes it easier, as you can sneak it into a health class, but if she's in school I guess that wouldn't work. 

 

But mom can still say, "I heard about this documentary, and I think I need to start watching my sugar intake. Let's watch it tonight as a family and learn more, so after the holidays we can all try to eat healthy." That kind of thing is said in my home, and seems different to me than "you keep putting on weight, maybe you should stop eating so much junk." 

 

But I will accept that I don't have a teen girl, so could be off base. I'm going by my own history, of being that teen. I wish I had known then what I know now. 

 

Katie, I think you're looking at this in retrospect, which changes the way you see it. I was not very overweight as a teen, but I was...soft, and definitely struggled to buy clothes that fit well. I knew that I needed to exercise. I knew that I needed to eat smaller portions. I knew that popcorn and Burger King food and Junior Mints were not good choices for work lunches and dinners. I knew all of that. It didn't make any difference. Frankly, I'm 41, and I know all the same stuff you know now, and I'm STILL overweight. 

 

Talking to her about all of that stuff will just be perceived as judgment and reprimand. That won't help the situation at all. 

Edited December 5, 2015 by ILiveInFlipFlops

[KungFuPanda]

Isn't this kid a normal, healthy weight? I get that she might prefer her lower, more active weight, but is putting on 5 lbs during her off season really that unusual or upsetting? It sounds like she's staying within a reasonable weight range, not creeping up and up. It might really be a easy as not buying food you don't want her to eat. Let her have the slice of bread. Roast you own meats for sandwiches. Keep a bowl of fruit on the counter. Keep raw veggies prepared for her, or make her do it at the beginning of the week so she has a stash.

 

As someone who has never cared for early morning dining, I say just let her eat later when she's ready. I find the push to eat first thing annoying. What you eat matters. How much you eat matters. Eating right before bed may not be the best idea, but the time of your morning meal? Better to put it off and have a healthy early lunch than a sugary breakfast.

[Guest]

Haven't read the other replies.

 

Being blunt--you need to educate yourself on carbs. White bread with lunch meat is in no way better than not eating. Then, both of you can work on reforming her diet (weight loss is all about diet--exercise has very little effect). Fruit isn't that good for you--apples are loaded with sugar.

 

Read Sugar Buster or South Besch or Atkins. Then pass that info on to your daughter. It will be hard now but she will thank you in 10 years.