MyThreeSons Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 (edited) After 17-1/2 years, I verbally resigned membership from our church today. I plan to follow up with a written letter to the Elders. I'm experiencing a weird combination of grief, relief, sadness, and excitement about what is in store for us. Soon after the phone call from an Elder at the old church, I had an hour-long meeting with the pastor of the new church we have been attending. It went well. Updated in a post below. Edited December 13, 2015 by MyThreeSons Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 Closure? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 I haven't had this with a church, but with other things. The word that comes to mind for me, fatigue. Reading your description of all those things makes me want a glass of wine and a nap. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 3, 2015 Share Posted December 3, 2015 Closure? :iagree: That's what I was thinking, too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyThreeSons Posted December 3, 2015 Author Share Posted December 3, 2015 Closure? I don't know that closure is possible. I had a 45-minute phone conversation with an Elder from the old church as I summarized my grievances. He had called me to check on us as we hadn't attended the church in many weeks. He listened well and we had a good discussion. I then offered to meet with the Elder Board to discuss the issues and answer any questions. He said that he didn't believe that would be a good idea. And *that* is part of the problem. I can no longer bear to sit under leadership who aren't humble enough to want to understand the heart of the problems that would lead such a long-time member to leave. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 I don't know that closure is possible. I had a 45-minute phone conversation with an Elder from the old church as I summarized my grievances. He had called me to check on us as we hadn't attended the church in many weeks. He listened well and we had a good discussion. I then offered to meet with the Elder Board to discuss the issues and answer any questions. He said that he didn't believe that would be a good idea. And *that* is part of the problem. I can no longer bear to sit under leadership who aren't humble enough to want to understand the heart of the problems that would lead such a long-time member to leave. Whatever you are feeling right now, it sounds like you have made the best possible decision for your family. While it would be nice if the leadership was open to hearing your grievances, it appears that they are not, so I think you should just walk away knowing you did everything you could. One idea, though -- can you send a group email to the individual members of the leadership? Perhaps this one Elder isn't open to new ideas, but others may be. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyThreeSons Posted December 4, 2015 Author Share Posted December 4, 2015 Whatever you are feeling right now, it sounds like you have made the best possible decision for your family. While it would be nice if the leadership was open to hearing your grievances, it appears that they are not, so I think you should just walk away knowing you did everything you could. One idea, though -- can you send a group email to the individual members of the leadership? Perhaps this one Elder isn't open to new ideas, but others may be. Actually, the opposite is true: this one Elder was very much open to listening to what I had to say. What he was saying was that there was no use in talking to the other Elders about any of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mama Geek Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 We have BTDT and it does become a relief once you are removed from it for a little while or maybe even immediately in some ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 Actually, the opposite is true: this one Elder was very much open to listening to what I had to say. What he was saying was that there was no use in talking to the other Elders about any of it. Oops -- sorry! I completely misread your post! :blush: In that case, I think you should just walk away and try not to feel too resentful (although I'm sure it will be difficult.) I hope your new church turns out to be the perfect fit for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bluegoat Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 It sounds, similar, if not quite the same, as saudade Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanaqui Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 (edited) I don't know that closure is possible. I'm sorry to hear that. But it sounds like you've found a better community for you, that's good. Edited December 4, 2015 by Tanaqui Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyThreeSons Posted December 4, 2015 Author Share Posted December 4, 2015 Oops -- sorry! I completely misread your post! :blush: In that case, I think you should just walk away and try not to feel too resentful (although I'm sure it will be difficult.) I hope your new church turns out to be the perfect fit for you. No, you didn't misread me -- I wasn't very clear. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SproutMamaK Posted December 4, 2015 Share Posted December 4, 2015 First off, I wanted to say that I'm sorry it came to this. We felt the same way at our old church, though we weren't there for as long, and moving on was difficult but allowed us to grow SO MUCH. I know that feeling of things coming to a head, and the relief and grief and hope for the future and sorrow all kind of comingle together in to one big emotional wrecking ball. I felt that so many times... when my ldest was finally given his diagnosis of autism, when my grandmother finally died after a long, painful battle with cancer, the first time one of my children was stillborn and we were told that there wasn't anything we could have done and that it would in no way affect future fertility... it's honestly such a BIG feeling that is so overwhelming and happens so often. I'm kind of aghast right now because I've realized that you're right, there ISN'T a word for it that I'm aware of! How is it that a feeling that's so huge and so crucial to the experience of human doesn't have a name? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyThreeSons Posted December 13, 2015 Author Share Posted December 13, 2015 UPDATE: So, while I pondered exactly what I should say in the letter to the Elder Board, they went ahead and released us from our membership at the church. I received a letter from the pastor telling me they had done this. Fine. The letter indicated that there may be some outstanding issues that have not been resolved. This is true. However, I am disappointed, although not surprised, that instead of asking me to sit down and discuss the issues, I was simply instructed to forgive. Which is a big part of the overriding unresolved issue I have with the leadership at this church: when someone has an issue, the counsel is universally that the person who has been offended is at fault for being offended. I get that, as Christians, we are called to forgive. But at this church, I can forgive and forgive, while the offending party is never called out about the original offense. And the hurtful words and actions continue, while the hurt are told they are "too sensitive" and must forgive, although no apology is offered nor is forgiveness asked for. On one level, I am relieved to have been released from this vicious cycle. On another level, I am still so frustrated that they cannot see that something ought to change. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mimm Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 I wish you peace at your new church home. This sounds very frustrating and I'm glad you are free of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted December 13, 2015 Share Posted December 13, 2015 On one level, I am relieved to have been released from this vicious cycle. On another level, I am still so frustrated that they cannot see that something ought to change. Some people are wimps. :grouphug: 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 www.thewartburgwatch.com It's true that some folks who comment there are quite bitter about their experiences, however, reading there can be quite helpful. In lieu of those "unresolved issues," you may want to look for their blog entries on resigning church membership (steps to take, cautions on continuing interactions with the church you're leaving, etc). Also, www.batteredsheep.com I'm sorry for your experience. It's so hurtful to feel unvalued by those in whom you've invested the deepest level of trust (or rather, those who you should be able to trust). My prayers are with you. We have come out on the other side of a troubled church and have found a new church home where we feel valued and loved, the teaching is sound, where the pastoral staff opens themselves up to wide accountability. I hope you land in such a place. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
goldberry Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 Which is a big part of the overriding unresolved issue I have with the leadership at this church: when someone has an issue, the counsel is universally that the person who has been offended is at fault for being offended. I get that, as Christians, we are called to forgive. But at this church, I can forgive and forgive, while the offending party is never called out about the original offense. I totally get this. Imperfection isn't an excuse to just continue hurting people. :grouphug: 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cintinative Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I just wanted to say that I am so sorry that you are going through this. Waiting for God to bring justice when another is in error is soo very hard. Going through that right now. I am glad you have a new church and pray that they handle things in a more Biblical way. I am sure you will continue to grieve for some time this failure of the leadership at the church you loved and served at for so long, and I want you to know that is totally normal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 I have been through something similar. It took more than a year to feel better, but we all did move on. The trouble comes in when some people misinterpret scripture and theology to keep themselves safe from change. They get really upset when other people want to grow and become more functional. They want everything to stay the same. Life doesn't work like that inside or outside the church. Any group that won't go forward is actually going backward. And they get quite Holierthanthou about their stance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 (edited) We just left our church of eight years and have been looking for a new body. It was nothing huge by itself but a dozen small things piling up and too much pride in the pastoral and elder staff to see the issues or listen with humility to anyone bringing them up (a half dozen families in the last few years have left over the same problems). We love them and they are still our friends. But it was getting to the point we didn't want to sit in the pew next to them and try and worship, let alone serve in the body. So it was time. We resisted and tried for months. When I turned in my key to the front door I had used for years to access the building after hours for ministry I was prepared to say goodbye to anyone I saw. People were there, fellowshipping downstairs and in the back secretary office. But the Lord, for whatever reason, kept my way entirely clear. I could hear them and smell the food, I even loitered a bit in the lobby reading the bulletin board as I said goodbye to the church for the last time. But nobody came. I was alone. It was so, so bittersweet. A little painful and lonely. And a huge relief to close that chapter and and really, truly move on knowing we did all we could and could leave them and wish everyone the best, genuinely and from our hearts. It was a huge burden lifted off my chest and a bit of a yawning ache all at once. I still see my friends at so many events. We pass each other in Costco and have play dates and swim class and everything else. I'm joining Ladies Bible Study in the spring because the churches we are visiting are just too far away to drive to their studies easily. So it's not like that cut them all out of my life - I wouldn't want to! But there was still something very final about that departure. It was the right choice but I still feel a bit bereft and strange. Like when you move to a new town and there is so much ahead of you, right alongside all the history you left behind. Edited December 14, 2015 by Arctic Mama Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 www.thewartburgwatch.com It's true that some folks who comment there are quite bitter about their experiences, however, reading there can be quite helpful. In lieu of those "unresolved issues," you may want to look for their blog entries on resigning church membership (steps to take, cautions on continuing interactions with the church you're leaving, etc). Also, www.batteredsheep.com I'm sorry for your experience. It's so hurtful to feel unvalued by those in whom you've invested the deepest level of trust (or rather, those who you should be able to trust). My prayers are with you. We have come out on the other side of a troubled church and have found a new church home where we feel valued and loved, the teaching is sound, where the pastoral staff opens themselves up to wide accountability. I hope you land in such a place. And Spiritual Sounding Board. I will respond with a more thoughtful post later, probably. I had a not-similar but parallel experience in 2002 and it took a number of YEARS to resolve it, and while I am still sorry for the cause of the sorrows, I am thankful beyond words that it happened because it took me to a really really good place. SEEK CHRIST. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted December 14, 2015 Share Posted December 14, 2015 It's difficult but if it wasn't you wouldn't be leaving, another affirmation of your decision. It's also weird for the pastor to unmember you when you had only talked with one elder. How did he know you weren't changing your mind. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyThreeSons Posted December 15, 2015 Author Share Posted December 15, 2015 It's difficult but if it wasn't you wouldn't be leaving, another affirmation of your decision. It's also weird for the pastor to unmember you when you had only talked with one elder. How did he know you weren't changing your mind. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I made it pretty clear to the Elder I spoke with that I would be resigning my membership. They "released" me before I could get my resignation letter in. That part doesn't bother me. It's the fact that they don't want to talk about the issues, that they are automatically in the mode of telling the offended to get over it, rather than dealing with the offenses. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyThreeSons Posted December 16, 2015 Author Share Posted December 16, 2015 Thanks for the referrals to the spiritual abuse boards. I have done some digging around and am getting more confirmation that I made the right decision. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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