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At what age would you tell them?


klmama
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I'll be a differing opinion. I'd tell them. They're an adult and they can choose to do with the information what they will.

 

There are way too many half-truths running through my extended family. Uncle SO-and-So did such-and-such to his ex-wife, which explains why 90% of the family is still friendly with the ex-wife. One aunt decided to not tell her children the story. We're all grown up now and some cousins are still in the dark and get rather testy when Aunt Ex-Wife is brought up in conversation. Just one of many examples in my own family - it gets so tedious keeping up with who knows what.

 

And I've been on the other side - my parents not telling me something about a relative and I found out as an adult from someone else. I was SO not happy to find out something that was considered "common knowledge" by most of my family.

 

My own kids know the basics about every family drama that's come up (granted, none of our extended family drama is the 'bad stuff'... just why Cousin A can't be in the same room with Cousin B... or that Uncle C has a child he never gets to see...). My youngest is 12. I feel that them knowing the ins-and-outs helps them connect with their family (and they don't take it personally anymore when Cousin A walks out of a room mid-conversation when Cousin B walks in... and when Uncle C looks at my middle child and gets teary eyed - they know he's thinking of his own daughter, who is around her age... not that seeing dd makes him cry... lol)

Edited by hopskipjump
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I'll disagree too. I would bring my children up knowing the (age appropriate, as unbiased as possible)  truth from the beginning. If they still chose to continue holding romanticised opinions then I'd leave them to find out themselves. But I'm open with my kids, as much as is acceptable at their ages and stages, that my mum doesn't talk to me, and that they have an aunt they haven't met, and that one of their uncles is a self-righteous jackass (ok, we settled for 'doesn't really know how to act with kids yet') and that their grandfather is a narcissist (again, we settled for 'grandad likes things a certain way, and has different rules', though that will need further explanation as the kids get older...) 

 

If it's been hidden from them through childhood, I'd want to tell them as adults so that they don't get hurt/blindsided and so there isn't confusion among family as to who knows what and when. One person knowing someone's true colours and another person believing they're wonderful can cause big rifts too. Not family but, as a teenager, someone was kicked out of our little friendship group. He deserved it, he did something undoubtably wrong to a younger friend. But a few people chose to see him as a wonderful person and ignore what he did, or perhaps didn't have details about what he did, and it caused issues between otherwise good friends. There was resentment when we had a party and he wasn't invited, and there was resentment when someone else hosted a party that he was invited to, leaving the hurt friend basically unable to attend, and the host didn't even know why because everyone wanted to keep it a secret and 'take the high road' and 'not gossip'. All it resulted in was hurt feelings. Better for everyone to be working from the same base knowledge.

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Just to clarify, that doesn't mean everyone will agree the person is bad, but everyone who is directly involved with the situation, like relatives, should be working from the same factual knowledge of events in order to form their own, informed, opinion. 

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Please, just tell them.  

 

Be honest.  If some of the information is hear-say then make sure that it clear.  

 

I am the baby of a big family.  I hate always being the last to know details of our family.  I will say or do something, that makes me look like an idiot, because no one bothered to tell me the 'family secrets'. Then as I got older, I think it became awkward for people to tell me things that everyone else knew, because then it was obvious everyone was hiding things from me for all those years.

 

If you tell the adult, and the adult decides to handle the situation different that you would, then I would let it go.  But, at least give them the best information you can, so they can make their own decision.

Edited by Tap
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If one of your adult dc had a very romanticized opinion about a relative, would you give them the unpleasant truth along with recommending compassion for that person's problems?  Or would you just wait until they realized it on their own?      

 

My mother told me about my father's (her ex-husband of 20 years) heroin and cocaine addiction when he had called her and four other relatives threatening them for money.

 

She thought he might call me or my sister who had received minimal child support years ago, since he was obviously off the deep end.

 

If you think they're in danger, tell them. That would include if said relative frequently tried to con people with "investment opportunities!" and certainly if they were a sexual predator/abuser.

 

Otherwise, "Mmmmm. Interesting."

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The way I was raised has left me with a lingering dislike for pointless secrecy. If it can be summed up with the phrase "don't air our dirty laundry in public", I get a strong urge to hang it all on the line. After all, they say sunshine is a powerful disinfectant.

 

However, what I want to do and what I actually do are not always the same thing. In real life, I try to weigh the probable consequences of my actions, both in the short and the long term.

 

If the probable consequences of NOT telling the kids about whatever-problem-it-is are that the kid is going to get harmed, physically or emotionally, then I'm going to have to find a way to tell them. Period. If kiddo wants to know why they can't go out to dinner with Grandpa, and the reason is that Grandpa is a drunk and I can't trust him not to get them all killed, I may not phrase it exactly that way, but I'm not going to sit on this information.

 

If the probable consequence is that I'm going to end up screaming the things I can't ever take back, then it's probably better for me to limit contact with this person and explain it calmly to the children at some time when the unpleasant whoever-they-are haven't been their charming selves.

 

If the probable consequences are just that they'll be disillusioned later on, then I might wait until later... if at all. The kids can work out for themselves that, say, Aunt Joy is a pathological liar. (Or if they can't, then there's time to burst that bubble.)

 

But it really depends on the circumstances, and there is definitely not a one-size-fits-all method.

 

(Neither "Grandpa" nor "Aunt Joy" is real, btw. They're just examples!)

 

Edit: I'm a doofus and missed the word 'adult' in the first post. Honestly, if they're adults, then I'd tell them the truth no matter what - SO LONG AS you can phrase it factually. If you're about to spew "My sister is an awful b***h and I will never forgive her for what she did, that disgusting nutjob" then you should calm down before speaking to your child. They're not going to listen to spiteful vitriol, even if it's 100% the truth.

Edited by Tanaqui
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I would tell them.  Especially if they are mid teens or older.

 

I have actually used relatives for examples on how people can make wrong choices and completely mess up their life

 

 like my brother who had a one night stand and now has a 5 year old daughter who's life is completely mixed up Or my other brother who ( late teen)  was tricked by a much older married woman (40's) who's husband could not produce children. That really mixed up my brother big time.

 

or my BIL and SIL who are drug dealers - their life is  a mess

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It would completely depend on what the information was and how knowing or not knowing would directly impact my kids.

 

We've had to discuss very delicate things with our young children because there was no way around it, but I would have given anything to have been able to put it off until they had a more... "worldly" frame of reference.  Otoh, we haven't talked about another relative because distance makes it unnecessary at this time, but I'm sure it will be relevant eventually.

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For me, it would fall under "is this my knowledge to tell?"  

 

If it is something that is general knowledge, or something that affects the said child directly, then tell.  

 

If it is something that would not harm said child, and is something that happened that really isn't their business to know, then leave it alone.

 

There are things in our family that are general knowledge for one generation, and it does affect relationships within that generation...BUT is a very private situation and doesn't really need to be known by the next generation.  It would cause more harm than good, I think, and really is only something that certain people should tell about.  

 

On the other hand, you have a situation like my relationship with my brother.  He loved to wax poetic about how wonderful our mother was and how much he missed her.  He wanted me to join him in these conversations.  I finally just had to tell him "You and I obviously had different childhoods".  (He was 6 years younger, and our mother died young, so he probably didn't remember things the same) I was content to let him believe for a while, but once he started having some mental instability, I felt that he needed to know the truth.  

 

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Unless there is some danger to your dc, I wouldn't tell them.  For two reasons:

 

1. You risk looking bad to the dc, who might resent you for presenting the information. 

 

2. Maybe, just maybe, the person has changed (or is trying to).  And there is no reason to ruin that by telling their past sins. Indeed, unless there is a "need" to know, Christian charity says that we don't share others faults. 

 

If the person is awful, the dc will know soon enough.

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Tell. I grew up not knowing a lot of my family history and I think it is better to know what is going on.
For example, with my oldest recently dabbling in pot use I sat him down and told him exactly who is an addict in the family and to what substance they are addicted. We had always told our kids that addiction runs in the family and to stay away from addictive substances. It was time to tell them that this was not some nebulous person. It is grandma and grandpa, their aunt, their uncles. People they see frequently and love and we told them exactly how the addictions have played out in their lives.
If there was a relative who is a horrible human being I would expose the warts to my children. We all have warts. You can love someone warts and all. I would want my kids to be choosing based on all information not the romanticized version.

Edited by kewb
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I would tell. I remember as a young adult when my aunt mentioned something in a matter-of-fact way because it related to what we were discussing, assuming it was common knowledge in our family. I didn't hear much of what she said after that because my mind was silently yelling, WHAT!?! I understand why my mom kept the disturbing, sad truth secret when we were kids, but finding out the way I did was a much bigger shock than if I had been told in an age-appropriate way before that.

Edited by Word Nerd
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When I was 13, a teen boy approached me and told me he was my cousin AND that he only lived a few miles away from me.  I grew up on a farm in a very rural area, so a few miles away was basically a neighbor.  Oops!  Everyone forgot to tell me that our extended family included a family no one ever spoke about.  Yep, I'd tell them.

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I have that with dd.  there have been times she has seemed almost naive about how she only sees the good in people.  I've been concerned it would leave her open to be taken advantage of.

 

I finally had to sit her down and tell her that my experience with people (one in particular) has been different from hers, and she needs to respect that not everyone thinks this person is wonderful.  I didn't go into detail - that wasn't necessary. 

 

I hope that made sense, articulation is not my forte.

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I've always been upfront with my kids in age appropriate ways about other people's flaws and struggles including my own.  I thought my own parents always did us a disservice by painting all adults as infallible.  We all have our struggles. And I think it doesn't do any good to admire someone for years and years and then to find out they have a lurking secret. 

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Well, I have been very honest with my kids about my sister's alcoholism.  They had very little interaction with her when younger, but they made some comments about her once that I felt needed some info to clarify things.  They know she is an alcoholic.  They know she doesn't work due to stress. They know she blames God and mom for all her problems. I need them to know she is not reliable and not to say certain things around her.  I didn't want them to be hurt (especially dd) by my sister ever.  So I felt they needed to know all about her now. 

 

But an adult child? I might make a comment about how I feel about the situation and see how they react.  They should make their own opinion at this stage.  

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I've always been upfront with my kids in age appropriate ways about other people's flaws and struggles including my own. I thought my own parents always did us a disservice by painting all adults as infallible. We all have our struggles. And I think it doesn't do any good to admire someone for years and years and then to find out they have a lurking secret.

^^^^This.

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I don't keep secrets from my son. I also don't tell every detail I know about people.....including his father. It is a struggle for me to keep some things to myself because I tend to be an all out there person. I have learned I can keep some of my mistakes to myself ( after everyone who needs to know has been informed) ....and mistakes of others to myself. For instance ds15 knows his dad had an affair. He doesn't know the extent or that his dad is a serial cheater and that one of the girls is my cousin. The cousin is not in my life at all....if she were anywhere around I would tell ds.

 

So mostly I say tell the truth.

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I would tell. I remember as a young adult when my aunt mentioned something in a matter-of-fact way because it related to what we were discussing, assuming it was common knowledge in our family. I didn't hear much of what she said after that because my mind was silently yelling, WHAT!?! I understand why my mom kept the disturbing, sad truth secret when we were kids, but finding out the way I did was a much bigger shock than if I had been told in an age-appropriate way before that.

Yes exactly this happened to me as a child. like finding out form a relative that my father had killed himself instead of the lie I had been told that he died in a car crash. Found out the truth from my younger stepbrother. that was a shock.

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I think that some stuff is nobody's business.  So it depends partly on that.

 

For instance, I know someone who celebrated their 50 wedding anniversary in the last few years.  The grown children asked people to share memories for a book they were making.

 

A mutual friend asked me whether I thought she should tell the truth.  She told me that she didn't think that anyone else would.  What was that so-called truth?  It was that the guy in the couple had lived with a local woman for a couple of years when he was stationed overseas.  Now, this is a very family oriented, nice, hospitable, and morally upright couple.  This kind of behavior is really very much unlike him.

 

This was something that other contemporaries of the couple had never heard.  Neither had his kids.  I'm not completely sure that even his wife had heard this.  In fact, I'm not even sure that it was true.

 

But my view is that even if it had been true, it had nothing to do with their marriage or their life today, and could do no good to mention, and could do considerable harm.  There is no reason to talk about this at all.  Ever.

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Depends--I'd need to know more about the situation. The more I learn about narcissism and personality disorders, the more I realize it would've helped me to have some of this knowledge before I had to learn it the hard, painful way as an adult. One aspect of emotional intelligence is being able to recognize when the usual interpersonal strategies will not work, or when a person (even/especially a charming person) is simply untrustworthy. I'm searching for how to talk to my daughters about this in age appropriate ways.

 

If I just felt like taking the person down off a pedestal, I wouldn't act from that motivation. But if I felt this was something that would be helpful to know either in this relationship or in navigating adult relationships in general, I'd talk to my kids about it. 

 

Amy

 

 

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I would cut a middle path with that.

 

I think kids need to be as prepared as possible for the real world, not naive, not romanticized, but they also don't need to be told the truth in harsh, judgmental, humiliating, or mean ways. There's an age for magic, and in our house it starts to slowly slide off somewhere between 8 & 13.  By 13 I want them to know what's really going on.  That doesn't mean demonizing the magically fun person, but it does mean being honest about their addiction, personality disorder, abusive history, etc.  Things are rarely as simple as they are in cartoons.  Bad guys have good points and good guys have bad points.  I also teach them about things that not many people think about - subtle social cues that are really about ranking and status, pickup artists and their lies (an episode of Big Bang Theory led to that conversation), and other things like that.  We also have a few adult members of the family that aren't on the spectrum but are blindly oblivious to things like that; look at the world with rose colored glasses and put people on a pedestal until they're not.  It can lead to being abused in relationships, and I want my kids to be aware of those dynamics.  You can make them aware without being judgmental, without being cruel, just by telling them that they're probably old enough to know about this story you need to tell them now. Giving them the ability to adjust to that truth in private is much more gentle than them being blindsided with an ugly truth in a public or humiliating way.  Telling them difficult truths will also give them an ability to trust you with difficult truths when they inevitably go through adult situations that require your guidance.

 

There is always a way to avoid humiliating people: both the person being admired and the child who is putting them on a pedestal.

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I think that some stuff is nobody's business.  So it depends partly on that.

 

For instance, I know someone who celebrated their 50 wedding anniversary in the last few years.  The grown children asked people to share memories for a book they were making.

 

A mutual friend asked me whether I thought she should tell the truth.  She told me that she didn't think that anyone else would.  What was that so-called truth?  It was that the guy in the couple had lived with a local woman for a couple of years when he was stationed overseas.  Now, this is a very family oriented, nice, hospitable, and morally upright couple.  This kind of behavior is really very much unlike him.

 

This was something that other contemporaries of the couple had never heard.  Neither had his kids.  I'm not completely sure that even his wife had heard this.  In fact, I'm not even sure that it was true.

 

But my view is that even if it had been true, it had nothing to do with their marriage or their life today, and could do no good to mention, and could do considerable harm.  There is no reason to talk about this at all.  Ever.

 

Well, that would just be unkind and irrelevant to a wedding anniversary memory book.  I'm pretty appalled someone was even considering that!  I was thinking more in terms of our relatives and what to share with our children.  I guess I see no reason to keep anything from my own kids.  I don't dig up old skeletons.  But my kids do know my brother has had 2 DWIs and made some pretty poor life decisions. 

 

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Growing up I thought my grandmother was perfect. And as a grandmother, she nearly was. Little by little my mother let on that her own childhood was not so perfect. When my grandmother died and I was already married, my mother shared things that helped me see a much bigger and not so rosy picture. I think my grandmother might have had some NPD tendencies and it affected my mother a lot.

 

That being said. I am glad that my mother kept her feelings from me when I was a child and allowed the grandparent/grandchild relationship to be what it was. I have so many sweet memories of my grandmother and even though I know the whole story now, I was glad I didn't then.

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Because there was no danger or illegal activity involved, I have resented and thought badly of my mother for telling me bad things about family members. I love my mother, who is a really nice person overall. But it seemed petty to me that she needed me to know about the greedy, insensitive, bit@hy, or selfish things she saw others doing. I think I was her way of try to create a bond with me.

 

I am sure if I grew up in a family where drug abuse, mental illness, or outright meanness was a serious issue that created emotional risk, I would feel differently.

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Mostly I would say to be honest.  I don't want my kids to grow up gullible or naive.  I want them to understand that life is complex and people make mistakes and do dumb things, and some people move beyond those mistakes and learn from them -- and some don't.   Of course there is a time and place and even a question of how much to reveal in those discussions.  Those discussions sometimes need to take place with great delicacy, and you may not need to reveal everything.

 

Times when I might keep it to myself would be when the event or whatever it was happened a long time ago and the person has completely changed and become a much different, better person.  Then sometimes it's best to just leave well enough alone.

Edited by J-rap
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