Poll: Does the host or people bringing food have an obligation to work around food allergies/intolerances?

[NoseInABook]

I always bring something safe to eat for myself and my son who both have allergies. Most family and friends accommodate at least my son who has a severe dairy allergy. If I am hosting or even attending something with a person who has a known allergy, I'll make a dish safe for everyone to eat.

[Tsuga]

There is a big different, IMO, between a life-threatening allergy, which demands that nobody bring anything with that ingredient because death! and a food intolerance, which requires that the host prepare the main dish or an alternate main dish that they can eat, and ideally more but at least one main thing.

 

E.g.

 

Life threatening peanut allergy: NO PEANUTS! Period. If you can't deal bring something from the store in packaging.

 

Life threatening shellfish allergy: NO SHELLFISH! Period. If you can't deal bring something from the store in packaging.

 

Multiple deadly allergies: Well, that's tough, but still, no peanuts, no shellfish, no wheat. Get creative. They do it every day so surely you can do it just once. I've done it: no wheat, no dairy, no shellfish, no pork, no meat. Also some people couldn't deal with spicy. I did a whole meal. It took a little doing and thought but I did it. It was worth it, all of us eating together.

 

Actually those were not deadly allergies, but would cause relatively mild reactions (mild compared to death but still uncomfortable). Deadly means I buy it from the store and ask ahead of time.

 

Celiac disease, similar, where contamination is an issue but it's not deadly: The host prepares the main dish carefully without wheat; if it was meant to be pasta, an alternative, even from packaged food, should be prepared separately. However all other dishes are what they are, and are kept separate. In my case, I used to make a separate bagged salad and simple rice pilaf each time. Super easy. You always have something to eat.

 

Vegetarian / Vegan: Nothing could be easier than preparing the meat separately than the grain and soaking half the grain separately, or buying a vegetarian lasagne from Costco and serving alongside the turkey or whatever. Melt the butter and serve on the side. They can't have the pie because it's made with butter, so just offer a nice vegan sherbet instead.

 

Non-life threatening but very real allergy, i.e. dairy: If at all possible make the main dish without it. For example I have a great dairy-free cake recipe from Betty Crocker. Seriously. Just do it. It will make the kid who gets to eat real cake so happy. If not, try to buy at least dairy-free cupcakes, one little set, to put around the cake. Or in the case of pasta, set aside pasta and have a pure marinara warmed up. So easy.

 

Multiple: Host prepares one dish for the allergic person.

 

I guess my long post could be summed up as, the host should always accommodate with at least one dish for the person with the special dietary need, but others need not unless it is an airborne or other very serious, life-threatening allergy.

[1GirlTwinBoys]

My husband can not eat gluten but we never expect others to accommodate this.  He either eats before we go, or will take something he can eat. I would not put that stress on anyone else to try and do that for him.

[LucyStoner]

If it's something easy to work around, like if they were allergic to apricots let's say, I think it would be nice for people to try to find recipes without it. But with dairy or gluten, it's just not reasonable to expect people who have no experience cooking gluten or dairy free to bring dishes without it. Many of the gluten or dairy free alternatives are expensive and can be hard to work with. It's nice if people want to do that, but I certainly wouldn't expect or require it.

Also, if it's a serious matter like Celiacs, they probably CAN'T really cook gluten free in their heavily glutened kitchen and dishes. The worst is when people try to make something allergy safe but contaminate their food because they are trying to prepare two versions side by side.

[Lisbeth]

I won't accommodate that.  And this is not because I'm mean or that I don't care.  The problem is that I cannot be certain that I have not contaminated the food with the allergy causing ingredient.  I'd have to thoroughly sanitize all of my equipment. I'd have to read every label of every item I'm using to be sure it doesn't have the ingredient.  I really just can't do that.  I suppose what I could do is buy something packaged that is already made that states it is allergy free.  I'd be willing to do that.

 

As the mother of a highly allergic child to multiple items, I respect that you know your limitations.  We just would not attend, with no hard feelings on our side.  Where it becomes a problem is when family members try to guilt us to attend even though they feel as you do.  Then the fighting and resentment begins.

[SKL]

Yes, and in past threads we've seen people feeling hurt when they have gone out of their way to accommodate, and the allergic person doesn't eat the special meal anyway, because they don't trust it.  Totally understandable, so why guilt the host into trying?  The host is very busy (or is that just my experience?).

 

I'm talking about big traditional meals like Thanksgiving / Christmas / Easter.  If it's just a small deal with the family of the allergic person, I could see trying to make a meal that everyone could eat, because you wouldn't also be trying to please several other families at the same time.

[Lisbeth]

Yes, and in past threads we've seen people feeling hurt when they have gone out of their way to accommodate, and the allergic person doesn't eat the special meal anyway, because they don't trust it.  Totally understandable, so why guilt the host into trying?  The host is very busy (or is that just my experience?).

 

I'm talking about big traditional meals like Thanksgiving / Christmas / Easter.  If it's just a small deal with the family of the allergic person, I could see trying to make a meal that everyone could eat, because you wouldn't also be trying to please several other families at the same time.

 

Food allergies are really awkward.  Here is what it is like for us:  my daughter is so very highly allergic and tested via the components test to be anaphylactic to peanuts.  Peanuts can be so deadly for her in tiny amounts that having a bunch of it in dishes is pretty dangerous even if she doesn't eat it.  Soy, on the other hand, is not that way for her so it can be in things and not pose the same risk as long as she doesn't eat it.  So if someone insists that they want us to attend a dinner or whatever, then we say please no overt peanuts in things, and we'll bring her meal otherwise.  Usually that works out ok.  We let them know she still can't eat the food but would love the enjoyment of their company with her own meal.

 

On a few awful occasions people have gone out of their way to keep things out of dishes for her and then she has gotten horribly sick the night before or day of, (like hurling sick with a high fever) and can't go to the event.  NOW THAT is really embarrassing.  It's only happened a few times, since she is now an older teen and she has had her allergies since around age 1.

 

We tend to avoid food-related events and do our own thing, and find other ways to be with people.  Because, yeah, it can be so awkward.

[Spryte]

I just want to say thanks to all the thoughtful, considerate people in this thread.  I wish you were family.

 

We bring our own food (I've already posted so that's a repeat) but can't be around certain allergens due to airborne and cross contamination risk, so even though we don't ever expect anyone to cook for DS, he still can't be around a few allergens if they are out for consumption or being cooked.  (He's even reacted near the food bars in Wegman's, depending on their menu that day.)

 

Imagine our shock at a family gathering a few months ago when we saw the bowl of peanuts sitting next to the food buffet.  Not that DS would eat it, or even go near the buffet area, but there were little kids grabbing handfuls and contaminating everything in sight.  We stayed outside after that, and left shortly afterward.  Yeh, that was awkward.

[LucyStoner]

I just want to say thanks to all the thoughtful, considerate people in this thread. I wish you were family.

 

We bring our own food (I've already posted so that's a repeat) but can't be around certain allergens due to airborne and cross contamination risk, so even though we don't ever expect anyone to cook for DS, he still can't be around a few allergens if they are out for consumption or being cooked. (He's even reacted near the food bars in Wegman's, depending on their menu that day.)

 

Imagine our shock at a family gathering a few months ago when we saw the bowl of peanuts sitting next to the food buffet. Not that DS would eat it, or even go near the buffet area, but there were little kids grabbing handfuls and contaminating everything in sight. We stayed outside after that, and left shortly afterward. Yeh, that was awkward.

That is awful. We can, and do, accommodate allergies by not having foods around people who can't even be around them. Not making, say peanut butter fudge, so that a person can come to the family gathering? Making the sides dairy free? Totally doable.

 

One of our homeschool activities is nut free and I'm careful to not serve my son nuts that morning after he's bathes and has put on clean clothes. I can't warranty that food coming out of my kitchen is safe for people with serious reactions to tiny traces of something so I would never commit make food if the risk is super high. That said, I can and do take reasonable precautions for people who aren't as vulnerable. I've baked many a diary free, gluten free or egg free dessert or meal to accommodate someone with an allergy. My kitchen isn't an allergy free kitchen though so I veer on the side of being overly cautious before saying it's safe for those with allergies. If I made peanut butter fudge on the same afternoon as the chocolate fudge, I won't be wrapping the chocolate fudge up and giving it to your son. But if if I want to take chocolate fudge to a place with a nut allergy concern, I can just make the chocolate fudge with new ingredients in a clean kitchen and skip making the PB fudge. Still, I'd let the person with the nut allergy (or the parents) know that it was homemade in my kitchen and let them decide if it was comfortable for them to eat. I'm not going to be offended if they don't want to touch it.

 

I will admit I've had the same experience as Audrey- people with serious allergies seem more understanding and savvy at group meals. More likely to pack their food and less likely to issue demands. The demanding ones tend to be fad dieters with a tenuous grasp on what a food allergy actually is. I'm sorry the fad dieters make some people less likely to take your family's needs seriously.

Edited November 30, 2015 by LucyStoner

[Spryte]

 

I will admit I've had the same experience as Audrey- people with serious allergies seem more understanding and savvy at group meals. More likely to pack their food and less likely to issue demands. The demanding ones tend to be fad dieters with a tenuous grasp on what a food allergy actually is. I'm sorry the fad dieters make some people less likely to take your family's needs seriously.

 

This has been my experience as well.  We stay pretty laid back about the allergies, as far as how they impact others.  I don't want my son left out of things, and so there's a tightrope we walk to keep him safe *and* included.  If we start issuing demands, I fear he'll be left out or isolated.  And, frankly, I'd never trust someone to cook for him unless I had a good idea that they were allergy aware.  Anything from a potluck type scenario would be out.  Ironically, the people who probably *could* cook for him safely are like many here, and might worry too much.  :)

 

At the family party I mentioned above, I truly think someone forgot the allergies.  I'm not sure, but I blame myself for not sending the reminder email asking for no overt nuts/peanuts again before the gathering.  We didn't mention it, just noted the bowl, walked outside, and visited with people outdoors.   Thankfully it was a BBQ and people were wandering in and out.  We left fairly quickly though. It wasn't intentional, and we just quietly left a tiny bit early.  Another side of the family has an adult golden granddaughter who likes to sidle up next to DS and eat Butterfinger candy bars.  She only did it once, DS walked away, and we don't even go there anymore.  She's a PA, for goodness sake, she should know better!

 

All in all, though, the fad dieters who are avoiding things by choice, or for fairly benign reasons seem much louder in our circles.  

[Pamela H in Texas]

I'm late to this thread so I'm sure someone has already said this.

 

As a host or person bringing food, I would definitely consider an allergen free food everyone could enjoy.  If my signature item includes said allergen, I would likely make more than one thing though in order to bring something that person could have.  I might make two of the same kind of dish (like brownies and GF brownies) or two different things (GF Broccoli Rice and Cheese and regular Green Bean Casserole).  This is assuming a fairly large group like a family reunion.  If it were a small get together at my home, like just our family and another family, I would try to make all our food mindful of the allergen.

 

As a person with a specific diet AND with a child who is GF, I would *expect* to bring enough food for those of us who can't just eat anything.  And I'd even tell people not to worry about it if they seemed worried out our diet(s).  But of course we appreciate when people do consider us also.  

[TX Native]

If it is a large number of guests. I naturally have a variety of things so anyone with 1-2 sensitivities or allergies can eat enough. Things like fruit tray, veggie platter, bean dip, guacamole, deli meat, cheese tray. For a one bowl meal, chili with corn chips and optional cheese OR chicken/rice bowls with various build your own ingredients toppings. Someone with celiac or serious food sensitivity or allergy would not be guaranteed cross contamination even if I made everything allergy free. I do have one friend that is celiac. When she comes, I don't do one bowl meals. She says not to make accomadations for her since she is coming mostly for the social aspect, but I do plan things she can eat in the mix. She is always on time, so I let her get anything packaged directly from freshly opened packages before I put anything on serving platters for everyone else. I keep some fruit whole to offer her instead of cutting it all up unto a fruit tray. She appreciates it, but in no way would be offended if I didn't accomadate her needs. Her son has different mild food intolerances, but is usually able to pick and choose from whatever I offer everyone else since cross contamination isn't an issue for him and there is a variety. She does bring a dessert that she and her son can both eat for just the 2 of them. Once I invited her family to a church event where pizza was served. I let her know ahead of time so she could decide whether to accept the invitation. She brought some personal pizzas she and her son could eat and it worked out fine.

 

For 2-4 people where cross contamination isn't an issue, I have enough of a variety of main course options to accomadate atleast the main course and a side for most intolerances. Anyone I know well enough to invite for a sit down meal, I would already know about food sensitivities or they would tell me when invited.

 

I don't make everything I serve allergy free on the account of a few guests. Especially dessert. That can get tough. I have some low allergy ingredient dessert recipes, but wouldn't expect most people to come up with a dessert for someone with multiple allergies. I have never had a guest with serious restrictions except for my friend with celiac. My friend takes her food many other places, but she lets me accomadate her only because she knows I would serve the same things even if she wasn't coming. She would feel bad if I bought her sometching separate than what I planned to serve anyway.

 

I had to follow a super strict low fat diet when pregnant. I had awful gallbladder pain with anything fatty. I was pregnant during the holiday season and MIL felt bad I was so limited. I hated visiting dh's family and her feeling bad about me not being to eat everything the rest of the family ate. Dh hated eating in front of me. It didn't bother me and I tried to assure them I was fine with salad, turkey, and fruit. I didn't expect them to accomadate me. If the main meat was high fat and I didn't already know a couple low fat sides would be served regardless of my diet restrictions, I would have insisted to bring my own food.

Edited November 30, 2015 by TX native