No secrets allowed??

[zoobie]

Well, I got to page 3 and had actually thought up a good reply about how we deal with secrets and whatnot in our family....and then I get to page 4.

Genie won't go back in that bottle now.

[jeninok]

Well DH doesn't care about blood, but I typically have flooding one day a week, where I either stay home or experience catastrophic consequences for not staying home. Everybody over the age of 8 knows.

My 14 year old has had to bring me clean pants on several occasions, we've had to cut outings short, and once the dear child went a got a box off the store shelf, opened them but left the box in our full cart and asked a lady to take it to me in the bathroom

 

Thank goodness for cell phones and kind teenage boys.

 

There is a particular look of panic both DH and DS know well and it means I drop what I'm doing and get to the nearest bathroom or the car.

[Guest]

God, Seeking, you have no boundaries. 

[Guest]

Sometimes that is how I word it if he tries to you know.... I say I don't think you'd enjoy the gore...

 

I'm very romantic like that.

 

 

I say, "This is a week for Tea for One." 

 

Or, "You don't want to go there."

 

Or, "I'm entertaining a visitor this week." 

[Guest]

Secret things are best remaining secret. :D

Edited November 29, 2015 by Quill

[Annie G]

I say, "This is a week for Tea for One." 

 

 

 

Spewed my drink through my nose reading this.  Ha!

[Joker]

I guess I do not see a period as something to be ashamed of... Why in the world take such care??? It is a natural part of life. So what if the boys know???

I honestly don't care about people knowing and I'm not ashamed but I do take care. I take such care because no one needs, or should have to, see my blood all over the trashcan or anywhere else. Many things are a natural part of life that others don't want or need to share. So, because I take such care it can go unnoticed. Yes, even by dh since mine have always been rather short.

[Rosie_0801]

I guess I do not see a period as something to be ashamed of...  Why in the world take such care???  It is a natural part of life.  So what if the boys know???

 

This is probably not the part Quill was alluding to.

[Guest]

Genie won't go back in that bottle now.

 

Srsly.

 

Well, for the sake of getting this thread back on track....or maybe being the last person to comment on a dying thread...

 

I don't specifically have a "no secrets" rule.  However, I do believe (most) secrets aren't healthy.  There's this funny relationship between trust, secrets, privacy, children and adults that I haven't figured out yet.   But I base my parenting on the fact that they are all interrelated somehow.

So we don't do closed doors - DS doesn't.  I don't. And actually, the cats don't do closed doors either.  Sometimes, even the bathroom door isn't really a closed door.

I've made a habit of just talking with DS about all sorts of things.  Regularly, sometimes more frequently than others, we'll have a heart-to-heart and I'll ask him how he feels things have been going recently, if there's anything we/I are doing that's giving him pause, etc.  He doesn't have to share.  This last time, he was pretty emotional so I asked him what's up?  He said "I don't know" and I didn't push it, but he knew I was there to talk if he wanted to.

I've also made it a point to react the same way to things he tells me as if he was telling me he wants a sandwich for dinner.  I mean, obviously if he's excited about something, I'll be excited to.  But if he is telling me something he did wrong or isn't sure about, I just take it as "Ok. what's done is done, lets move on and discuss/make resitution/whatever" or "Ok, how do you want me to help you?"  I think a lot of secrets are made because of fear/unsureness about the other party's reaction.  So I'm doing my best to not let that be a reason.

A few months ago, DS was having some problems of a male nature.  I asked him if he wanted my help.  I then asked him if he wanted to talk to a trusted male friend.  I desperately wanted to barge in and help him because that's what mom's do and I knew that if it wasnt taken care, it might result in a doctor's visit.  But I wanted him to know that I repected his privacy and his person most of all.  I hope that will also yield a more open, talkative relationship.

DS has a lot of privileges that may not (or may!) be normal for almost 9 yr olds.  He has access to my ATM cards and knows the pin numbers.  He can run to the bank for me while I'm shopping or shop on his own...bigger stuff like that.  He also knows that we are starting from a place of complete trust.  If I can't trust him anymore, then those privileges go away...and keeping secrets (not surprises) is a big part of that.   If he asks me something, I do my best to answer him according to what I know he can handle.  I don't think I overshare....I will only tell him things if he asks about them.  I don't wake up and exclaim "Well, we have no money today!" or "Hey, have you heard the latest about Nana's cancer?"  But if asks about something directly, I will definitely tell him. 

 

 

I really don't think DS knows what secrets are anyways.  At least he doesn't know the purpose of diaries.  He bought one, complete with lock and key, then told me where he "hid" the keys and wrote stuff out while he was telling me what he was writing :001_rolleyes: 

 

And honestly, it's me and him...I might feel a little differently if he had siblings to talk to, but the last thing I want is for him to feel he can't talk to me.  This part of my parenting may not work out how I envision, but I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants here.  At the very least, I will have done what I can and what I thought was good based on what I believe.

[DesertBlossom]

My mil bought one of my babies a onesie that said "what happens at Grandma's stays at Grandma's." I am positive she didn't think anything beyond that it said "Grandma" on it, especially since we live 2 states away and my kids would never be at Grandma's without us being there too. But the shirt still bugged me enough I donated it.

 

I agree that other adults telling your kids to keep secrets is a giant red flag. But that's very different from adolescent/teenage secrecy. I never told my parents anything personal for no real reason other than that I would have been embarrassed. I could see myself keeping college essays secret just out of not wanting someone else critiquing my work. I actually feel bad for not being more open with my mother as a teen. But that's who I was and she respected that.

[Joker]

Why no closed doors?

 

I honestly can't imagine having no closed doors here. Dds close their doors to change clothes. Doors are closed to shower. Dh and I definitely close doors for privacy. Dds close doors to read and write. They also close doors often when friends are over to chat and probably share secrets about crushes and other things. The list goes on. They still spend the majority of their time in our family room with us but I can't imagine no closed doors.

Edited November 29, 2015 by Joker

[Joker]

Oh, good grief there isn't blood all over my trashcan. I wrap my stuff, but the blood leaks through... I don't see the point in wasting so much toilet paper that there is no chance of it leaking through.

Sorry. Didn't mean it that way. But, no, there is no blood visible to anyone in any of our trash cans and there are three females in this house that are all able to avoid it.

[Guest]

Why no closed doors?

 

I honestly can't imagine having no closed doors here. Dds close their doors to change clothes. Doors are closed to shower. Dh and I definitely close doors for privacy. Dds close doors to read and write. They also close doors often when friends are over to chat and probably share secrets about crushes and other things. The list goes on. They still spend the majority of their time in our family room with us but I can't imagine no closed doors.

 

I suppose it is different when there are only two people in a house.  DS doesn't need to go behind a closed door to get privacy or quiet.  Of course we close our doors when we get dressed.  As far as the bathroom goes, there will be times (especially with a child who likes to wait to the VERY LAST MINUTE to pee) that he will have to pee while I'm in the shower, or me when he's in the shower, or when one of us has a stomach bug and can't wait, etc.  But yeah, we know that if the water is running, then the other person can come in to use the toilet.  If the water is not running, wait and trust that the other person won't dawdle getting dressed or knock first.  And occassionally, DS will be showering while I'm vaccuuming and the only plug not covered by furniture for that side of the house is just inside the bathroom so I'll open the door and plug it in.

The friends we hang out with also have a no closed doors policy for their kids so it's not anything unusual in our group.

Edited November 29, 2015 by WendyAndMilo

[Guest]

Spewed my drink through my nose reading this. Ha!

I aim to entertain.

[Guest]

MM... cannot imagine a no closed door policy with teens, especially teen boys.  Mine all needed their man cave.

 

So what exactly goes on in this man cave?

 

I'm trying to figure this privacy thing out...

~ The house is completely silent right now, except for my typing.  DS is in one room and I'm in the adjoining room

~ If I went to where my sewing machine is right now, I wouldn't be able to see him and we would have to speak quite loudly to each other.

~ If I was in the sewing room and he was in his bedroom, I couldn't see or hear him no matter what

~ If I am in the room I am now, and DS was in the kitchen, we still couldn't see each other very well

 

I'm wondering what kind of super mega privacy is needed for teenagers....

[Guest]

I suppose it is different when there are only two people in a house. DS doesn't need to go behind a closed door to get privacy or quiet. Of course we close our doors when we get dressed. As far as the bathroom goes, there will be times (especially with a child who likes to wait to the VERY LAST MINUTE to pee) that he will have to pee while I'm in the shower, or me when he's in the shower, or when one of us has a stomach bug and can't wait, etc. But yeah, we know that if the water is running, then the other person can come in to use the toilet. If the water is not running, wait and trust that the other person won't dawdle getting dressed or knock first. And occassionally, DS will be showering while I'm vaccuuming and the only plug not covered by furniture for that side of the house is just inside the bathroom so I'll open the door and plug it in.

The friends we hang out with also have a no closed doors policy for their kids so it's not anything unusual in our group.

I know families that have this type of open door culture, but it is something I find very uncomfortable. I haven't had a kid interrupt my shower in eight years. (Toddlers played in a pack n play in the bathroom while I showered.) I rarely even go into the bathroom while DH showers. I always shut and lock bathroom doors if I'm using the potty.

[Guest]

I know families that have this type of open door culture, but it is something I find very uncomfortable. I haven't had a kid interrupt my shower in eight years. (Toddlers played in a pack n play in the bathroom while I showered.) I rarely even go into the bathroom while DH showers. I always shut and lock bathroom doors if I'm using the potty.

 

Yes, I suppose when DS gets older it might change...and I honestly never thought this would work for us.  I NEVER let DS in my bathroom when I was showering when he was a toddler.  But it had to since there was A LOT of jumping up and down, holding legs together since we moved into a smaller, 1-bath house.  Now it's just normal.  Until it won't be anymore and that will be fine.

 

We each close the door when we are using the toilet, but again, we try not to dawdle or "spend time in the library".  It's only ever been an issue during stomach bugs.

[bolt.]

(Dealt with and deleted)

Edited November 29, 2015 by bolt.

[Lang Syne Boardie]

Mercy Maud. There's a lot I did not need to know in here! People! I told you on page two that secrets and privacy and personal information are GOOD things.

 

 

 

 

[Guest]

I'm sorry, I thought I read somewhere that the average is 2 times a week for married couples.  But if it offends, then I'll delete..

 

There's generally a strong inclination, intentional or not, to equate average with normal.  Therefore, not average = not normal.  It's probably best to stay away from "averages" with reagrds to intimacy since there is a HUGE range of normal/what works in relationships :)

[Guest]

I'm sorry, I thought I read somewhere that the average is 2 times a week for married couples. But if it offends, then I'll delete..

 

And to be honest, we aren't normal and don't have it 2 times a week many times. Once it was 6 months. I was using an example of normal, not me.

Deleting would get my vote.

 

Also, about averages - average is not a synonym for normal. Bolt is correct in stating that frequency is various amongst couples and various over the lifetime of any particular couple as well.

[HS Mom in NC]

We teach our kids the difference between good secrets and bad secrets. If a secret is doing harm, either by being kept or by being told to people it doesn't concern, then it's bad and a responsible adult needs to know so things can get sorted out.   Good and neutral secrets are perfectly fine.

[Guest]

We teach our kids the difference between good secrets and bad secrets. If a secret is doing harm, either by being kept or by being told to people it doesn't concern, then it's bad and a responsible adult needs to know so things can get sorted out. Good and neutral secrets are perfectly fine.

That's a good way to put it and what I meant when I said we have a rule. I explained to my kids that they need to tell mommy and daddy if someone asks them to keep a secret or does something that makes them scared or uncomfortable, or touches them anywhere a bathing suit would go. We have enough kids and big activities where we are separated that I cannot keep eyes on them all, all of the time. For their safety we talked about this.

 

For good secrets we refer to them as surprises and keeping those for awhile is fine. Also, things someone tells us in confidence we do not gossip about or lord over them for power - that's unkind and makes us untrustworthy. Privacy is a separate issue and one we encourage (like closed bathroom doors and our own belongings being safe and secure), but we also have s family culture that is very open with communication. We don't lie to or deceive or kids and only omit information if it is inappropriate for their age range and knowledge, like our private marital lives. But even DH and I foster very open communication and there aren't any secrets I can think of - we let all the skeletons out of all the closets years ago.

 

For teens I am a fan of privacy as needed to make them feel safe and secure - they don't need to blab every crush or secret trusted to them by a friend unless they're concerned for that individual's safety. But we wanted them to understand early on that adults or older kids asking you to keep secrets or do things and not anyone wasn't okay and that they should always come to us if there is even a slight doubt in their minds that it really is all right. With older kids I think this looks different but mine are fairly young and trusting, and we don't want them to be taken advantage of because they think they're doing the best thing by trusting someone else's word to keep a secret that is harming them.

 

This thread makes my head hurt :lol:

Edited November 29, 2015 by Arctic Mama

[creekland]

Ok... I'm not sure I needed to catch up on this one this morning.

 

I'm thinking it's not a thread I'll share with hubby and middle son on our car trip back to college.   :lol:

 

I'm not sure I'm putting it into the "keeping a secret from them" category either.

[SporkUK]

I like the Tea for One. I usually just say I'm 'on the red' -- usually just to confirm what my partner already knows. My partner always knows often before me [with my erratic perimenopause cycles, he often comments if I'm getting typical back and head pains], he also knew I was pregnant each time before I could tell him. He says I'm not that different, but I get more achey and/or less like to keep quiet about feeling achey. 

 

We're big on privacy here - but we had to put in a no secrets rule in for a bit with my eldest. His language issues means he took them very seriously, couldn't tell good from bad secrets and they were all causing him stress. So I set the rule and then asked about it for a while until one particular "friend" [the one that he adores because they treat him really nice at first but then treated him as back-up/a toy but because he adores them we can't say anything bad about them or do anything overt about it even when he's miserable] stopped giving him ridiculous secrets [like staying up to late watching youtube videos]. I still ask occasionally when they've hung out. My eldest is pretty tight lipped about almost everything, both his personality of not wanting to say anything bad and not wanting to talk about anything awkward as well as language issues where he often doesn't have the word for things, so if he didn't want to there would be no way to force it, but giving him that rule to use with this problem seemed to help him a lot. If only the rest of his social problems were so easy solve. 

[Soror]

It seems there is a whooole lot of semantics going on here. We don't have any rules about secrets other than they are not to used to hurt each other. There are no rules about doors other than if someone has a door shut you need to knock before entering. I am close to the kids and we talk about lots of things as they are generally very open but I am also a person who has always strongly valued my privacy and autonomy so it has been important to me to give the kids their space. I imagine however that even for those who are stating their positions in vastly different ways how it looks to an outsider is likely to be very similar for most.

[Laura Corin]

But why do you feel they are obligated to talk about it with you?  How is their thoughts/feelings about it any of your business?  Or anybody's other than the man in question?

 

I thought that they were just talking about the SO in the way that anyone would talk about a partner to another family member.  I would talk to my nephew about his partner: jobs, upcoming marriage, possible kids, taste in granola....

[SparklyUnicorn]

This. 

 

Dh's sister has one son. He's gay. And very out, and very proud, and VERY successful career wise. I'm Facebook friends with him, as are all of my kids. And yet SIL doesn't want to acknowledge it and it makes me mad. Saw dear nephew two weeks ago and he and I had a delightful conversation about his significant other.  Why SIL and my inlaws refuse to talk about it is beyond me.   It's a secret that's not a secret. 

 

Maybe it upsets them.

[TammyS]

I guess I do not see a period as something to be ashamed of...  Why in the world take such care???  It is a natural part of life.  So what if the boys know???

 

  For the same reason that I don't advertise what I need to do when I go to the bathroom.  I just excuse myself or say "I need to use the restroom (or bathroom)".  I don't say, "I'm going to take a poop."  Because no one wants to hear about anyone else's bodily functions.  For the same reason I shut the door when I use the bathroom.  For the same reason that I flush, because no one wants to see it. For the same reason boys tuck their soiled laundry deep in the hamper when they have accidental nighttime emissions. Because no one wants to see someone else's bodily anything. Yuck.

 

I'm not ashamed, I'm private. And have a reasonable sense of self respect and discretion.

[SparklyUnicorn]

  For the same reason that I don't advertise what I need to do when I go to the bathroom.  I just excuse myself or say "I need to use the restroom (or bathroom)".  I don't say, "I'm going to take a poop."  Because no one wants to hear about anyone else's bodily functions.  For the same reason I shut the door when I use the bathroom.  For the same reason that I flush, because no one wants to see it. For the same reason boys tuck their soiled laundry deep in the hamper when they have accidental nighttime emissions. Because no one wants to see someone else's bodily anything. Yuck.

 

I'm not ashamed, I'm private. And have a reasonable sense of self respect and discretion.

 

LOL

 

This just made me laugh because my 2 will often provide way TMI.  When I'm eating lunch with them I sometimes think I'm back at the lunch table in junior high. 

[Laura Corin]

So what exactly goes on in this man cave?

 

I'm trying to figure this privacy thing out...

~ The house is completely silent right now, except for my typing.  DS is in one room and I'm in the adjoining room

~ If I went to where my sewing machine is right now, I wouldn't be able to see him and we would have to speak quite loudly to each other.

~ If I was in the sewing room and he was in his bedroom, I couldn't see or hear him no matter what

~ If I am in the room I am now, and DS was in the kitchen, we still couldn't see each other very well

 

I'm wondering what kind of super mega privacy is needed for teenagers....

 

My boys just want their space.  It doesn't really matter what is actually going on, although I suspect that teen sex drive has caused closed doors at some points, but just having that space to themselves is important to them.

[TammyS]

So what exactly goes on in this man cave?

 

I'm trying to figure this privacy thing out...

~ The house is completely silent right now, except for my typing.  DS is in one room and I'm in the adjoining room

~ If I went to where my sewing machine is right now, I wouldn't be able to see him and we would have to speak quite loudly to each other.

~ If I was in the sewing room and he was in his bedroom, I couldn't see or hear him no matter what

~ If I am in the room I am now, and DS was in the kitchen, we still couldn't see each other very well

 

I'm wondering what kind of super mega privacy is needed for teenagers....

 

I think your experience has to do with the fact that there are only two of you.  When I grew up there were at least 5 of us, and all I ever wanted was to be left alone.  Not to do anything, but to BE ALONE.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Uh yes teen boys do start closing their doors.  And I'm thankful for that.  LOL

 

I do take it as a high compliment that my teen declined having me put a lock on his door.  We have old fashioned doors with skeleton locks (I doubt they work anymore and it's impossible to get keys for them).  So they don't lock.  But nope he didn't want a lock.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I think your experience has to do with the fact that there are only two of you.  When I grew up there were at least 5 of us, and all I ever wanted was to be left alone.  Not to do anything, but to BE ALONE.

 

That and he is 9.  My 10 year old does not yet care about stuff like that.  The nearly 14 year old definitely does.

[TammyS]

LOL

 

This just made me laugh because my 2 will often provide way TMI.  When I'm eating lunch with them I sometimes think I'm back at the lunch table in junior high. 

 

Yes.  I sometimes have to remind my boys that no one wants to know.

[SparklyUnicorn]

Yes.  I sometimes have to remind my boys that no one wants to know.

 

I do have a crass sense of humor and don't generally mind, but my kids do manage to push the limits of my sense of humor.  LOL

 

The worse thing is I forget that other people aren't as appreciative of this sort of humor so once in awhile they say stuff at the WRONG time.  :lol:

[Valley Girl]

Here people (including the kids) are free to close their doors for privacy... keep journals... share non-harmful information with only one parent if they need specific advice on an issue they wish to keep private*... etc. We distinguish between good and bad secrets. We've told them from the time they were small that if someone says "don't tell your parents about this," that telling us is the first thing they need to do. The only place we had that issue crop up was in school, so we've been lucky.

 

*I'm talking mostly about issues the parent of the same sex would be most helpful with. If it's something major, we ask permission to share the information with the other parent or encourage the child to share it when ready. As parents, we trust each other.

[Miss Mousie]

Uh yes teen boys do start closing their doors.  And I'm thankful for that.  LOL

 

I do take it as a high compliment that my teen declined having me put a lock on his door.  We have old fashioned doors with skeleton locks (I doubt they work anymore and it's impossible to get keys for them).  So they don't lock.  But nope he didn't want a lock.

 

Totally off-topic, but I did want to tell you that craft stores like Michael's carry skeleton keys - and they work!

 

Just in case your 10 yr old gives a different answer to the lock question.  ;)

 

[Laura Corin]

I don't think that keeping secrets or not has every come up in conversation with our children.  Sometimes I've asked questions that they have avoided answering: that's fine.  

 

We have, however, talked about everyone's duty to care for the people around them.  So if there is something going on that could lead to physical or mental harm, they know that they should tell us or another responsible adult.

[SKL]

Oh, about our household dirty laundry?  I tell my kids it's our private business and not to share.  My kids are in the same class together and nobody needs to be discussing what happens at home regarding bathroom stuff, behavior stuff, adoption grief, etc. etc.  My kids say they understand this and didn't need to be told, thank you very much.  :P 

 

On the other hand, I have told my kids about child abuse, and that if they are aware of it happening, they should tell someone.  Even if it's me going overboard with them.  I think they should know they have an absolute right to be safe from abuse.  I am not the type to "hurt" a kid, but if I ever lost it, they should get help from someone.

[SKL]

And as for personal private development stuff, my kids have said stuff I didn't expect to hear.  (Not masturbation etc. but feelings.)  I have told them that it is OK to tell me, but it is private as far as anyone else is concerned.  If they ever tell me about masturbating (I hope they don't), I will probably tell them I don't need to know about what they do alone in their bedroom as long as it doesn't break any rules.

 

My kids each have their own bedroom and their doors lock.  Right now they are not allowed to lock the doors unless I tell them to.  Eventually that will change.  They currently don't have a big need for privacy.  In fact, I have to remind them not to change their clothes in front of the windows.

[pehp]

I think it just depends on context, right?  I have told my children that there are good secrets and bad secrets.  A good secret is keeping someone's birthday present a secret so we can surprise them.  A bad secret--well, we can all imagine those.  My children know the difference and we discuss that frequently as a family.  

 

But what I'm not sure I'm clear on is what is meant by 'secrets' outside of those two definitions.  I mean, I have a TON of "secrets" in that I don't tell my husband and children every last thing on my mind or every thing I feel or think about, and our family life is the better for it.  I'm not keeping anything a secret--I mean, I don't have a drug addiction, an affair, a gambling problem...nothing like that.  But my secret thoughts about minor aggravations, the annoying thing my father-in-law said to me, etc....these things stay in my private realm until I am ready to release them to someone else.  And my children and spouse are definitely allowed that--I respect their interior lives. I once coaxed a 'secret' out of my son because he said he had one and all of my bells and alarms and whistles were going off and I was mentally freaking out (he's about--5--at the time?).  Finally his secret was revealed: he thinks it's fun to pee outside. 

 

After that I decided to leave their interior lives alone until they're ready to reveal them to me. ;) but they are very clear on what constitutes a 'bad' or dangerous/harmful secret and that those should never, ever stay in the dark.

 

And I also want them to know that they can tell me anything and I won't mock them or ostracize them, so I try to foster a family environment of respect for our individual differences as well.