No secrets allowed??

[creekland]

Whether or not one could keep secrets never came up in our family.  It still doesn't.

 

We have very open communication and our kids know (+ always knew) they could talk with us about anything, and if necessary, could use us as an excuse as to why they couldn't do something they didn't want to do (parties with friends or whatever).  That said, if they didn't want to share essays, etc, they didn't have to.  I guess having read the threads, I see that as a privacy bit.  Perhaps they wrote about us.   :coolgleamA:

 

Hubby and I talk about almost everything.  It's what best friends do.  Granted, he doesn't need a play by play of every detail of my IRL friends (nor do I need them about his), but no particular subject or thought is off limits.  Ditto that with my kids.

 

I guess if there's anything I purposely don't tell them (family or friends) it's health issues.  Giving them TMI there only freaks and/or bores them, so there's no real point.  Even so, if I wanted to, I could, but freaking people out or boring them is rarely my goal in life.  ;)

[creekland]

Thinking about it a little more, I think the reason I'm for letting kids/adults have their own writings (for college or otherwise) is because my dad read something I wrote once back when I was 15...  I've been reluctant to write anything really personal down since and hate keeping "records."  There's no way I'm doing that to my kids.

[Word Nerd]

I don't remember my parents ever reading anything I wrote for college except what I wrote for the school newspaper. I'd consider a parent exercising editing privileges at that age to be helicoptering unless the student asks for help.

[texasmama]

No, aside from other-adult-initiated purposeful-parent-exclusion secret keeping, I think it's important for kids to have privacy, independence of thoughts and feelings, a sense of autonomy, and a sense of true-choice about the things they want to share / disclose in relationship with their parents.

 

But I think that skill, like all of the skills of being a person, requires guidance during the young years -- including affirming (on one hand) that privacy is not secrecy, and (on the other hand) keeping big things to yourself might be tempting in cases where it might be wiser to share. It's part f developing good judgement.

This. I want my kids to practice developing autonomy while living in my house. I expect that siblings will share things with each other that they will not share with parents. I consider myself a safe parent to tell difficult information to without a fear of punishment or a major freak out. Even so, as they get older (in the teen years) I expect that they will not tell me things. This will not always be for the best, and learning this is a valuable part of growing up. Trying out information in a sibling first before telling a parent has a valuable place in a teen's life.

 

Interesting duscussion. In part, secret seems to be a loaded up word that we all define slightly differently.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I can't imagine telling another person they can't have secrets.  My kids included.

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

Secrets are fine here. Whispering them to each other while other people are in the room is not. If you have a secret, you have to keep that fact...secret. It is rude to do otherwise.

 

The problem here is not the secret.  The problem is purposefully making someone feel uneasy and/or left out.

[Murphy101]

We try for the no secrets in our household. I have no use for secrets as more often than not they are just another form of lies or deception, which I'm not okay with.

 

I've actively taught my children secrets are another way to lie and people who want to keep secrets with them are often likely to be untrustworthy. Because that's often how it goes in my opinion/experience.

 

My kids still do the sibling bonding over little things they know about each other. But that's no secret either.

 

Something can be private and not be a secret. For example, my medical information is private, in theory anyways, but it's not some secret I'm keeping from others. It's just no one else's business.

[Loowit]

I differentiate between secret and private.  I have never told my children "no secrets" but it is kind of an understood thing in our house.  I respect their right to privacy, but I expect them to not keep secrets from me.  I think a lot of it comes from deep dark family secrets growing up that were damaging to relationships.  Some family were in on the secret and others weren't and when it comes out at a bad time it can be horrible.  It almost destroyed my brother's relationship with my dad, because my dad kept a secret that if it were known would not have been a huge deal, it was the secrecy that was the problem and my brother feeling betrayed.

[Murphy101]

Thinking about it a little more, I think the reason I'm for letting kids/adults have their own writings (for college or otherwise) is because my dad read something I wrote once back when I was 15... I've been reluctant to write anything really personal down since and hate keeping "records." There's no way I'm doing that to my kids.

From the other perspective though, some value (or over value by other opinions) privacy and would view that use of really personal things to be something best not done and thus be perfectly okay doing that to their kids.

 

I too despise keeping "records" because I had family who I think really did not value privacy or respect such things. They still don't. They use claims of preserving heritage as their excuse, but that's not what it is at all. Because of my interaction on that, I actively discourage my kids from participating in that kind of thing. Bc I get no say in where it ends up or how it is used and don't want them to experience that at some point.

[Word Nerd]

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories."--Anne Lamott

[Murphy101]

"You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories."--Anne Lamott

Whether we tell our stories or not doesn't change that we own them.

[Guest]

I don't teach No Secrets. I think every person (especially as they grow into adolescence and towards independance) is entitled to a private life that may be shared with no one, one other person, a few others - however they choose to reveal it. I don't probe for information with anyone. If someone wants to confide in me, great; if they don't, it is their prerogative.

[Guest]

So, it's not okay for siblings to only talk to friends or one another about crushes but leave out parents? It's not okay to share one bad grade with a friend or sibling but keep it from parents for a time?

 

I find it so interesting because I had so many secrets with my siblings! I've seen my own dds do the same. Youngest knew oldest was gay way before we did. Oldest knew the crush of youngest way before we did. And so on. It's never bothered me and I've never thought it was wrong so I wondered when I saw two recent posts. Maybe I'm reading secrets as something different, though.

Yeah, I'm reading through this thread with interest and I'm wondering what sorts of things would prompt a parent to say, "We don't keep secrets in our family."

 

If my son has a crush on the girl in his Biology lab, why do I need to know? Granted, if he just spontaneously tells me, great! He's free to say she's the prettiest girl in school. But if he just crushes on her privately for four years, that's fine, too. It's just not important for me to know. There were guys I liked but never mentioned to anyone. There was a guy or two I cried at home over after seeing them in love with a different girl, but I didn't have a high need to tell anyone about it.

 

Grades - well, those aren't going to be secret for long, so it is pretty moot.

 

My oldest is in college now. She shares many things with me; we have a good rapport. But I don't pry for any information on what she does and who she spends time with, etc.

[Murphy101]

It might be a very different family dynamic too.

 

I meet people all the time who are shocked about how good my marriage is and how much my dh and talk about everything. Every one says a lack of communication is a major thing. That their families just don't talk like ours does.

 

And I guess our marriage dynamic has over flowed to our kids.

 

When dh or I leave, we say where we are going, why, when we will be back. And when we come back, we talk about everything that happened while we were gone. Traffic. Stupid song on the radio. Crazy shoppers. Work stuff. What all the kids did. What we ate. Whatever.

 

When the kids leave, they do the same. Even my grown kids.

 

I've never sat them down and said, "Now you MUST tell me everything since last we we saw each other. It's a family law!"

 

Even when we aren't living together, daily phone calls or texts will likely happen. It's not prying. It's just family staying connected. There's no mandate about it. No anger if someone misses a day without contact.

 

It's just what we tend to do.

[texasmama]

My oldest is in college now. She shares many things with me; we have a good rapport. But I don't pry for any information on what she does and who she spends time with, etc.

I'm very nosy and ask a lot of questions.   :laugh:  Most of the time she answers them.  Me being nosy and her answering most of the time is part of our relationship dynamic.  I consider us close and to have a good relationship.  I do feel like I am aware of most of her experiences, feelings, hopes and dreams.  I do not need a play by play of every single thing in her life.  I believe she would and could come to me with something difficult and know that I would love and help her even if I did not approve or had my own feelings about it.  My feelings are separate from her needs, and there is room for all of those things in a situation in our relationship.  The past two and a half years have been a time for her to have some autonomy while remaining close in relationship.  I do not talk to her every day or see her that often at present, but we are close.

[Daria]

I told my child that adults don't ask children to keep secrets.  They can ask kids to help with surprises, with a surprise being something that the parent will eventually find out about, and will be happy when they do.  

 

That doesn't mean that my kid can't have secrets with his friends (or siblings if he had them), or that he can't ask his therapist or another adult to keep something confidential from me (assuming it's not something that puts him at risk).  But an adult asking a child, or teenager to keep something secret is a huge red flag for me.  I 

[Jean in Newcastle]

 I do think there is a semantics thing going on in this thread.  Dd(almost 14) is very private. But we don't have any secrets. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

 I do think there is a semantics thing going on in this thread.  Dd(almost 14) is very private. But we don't have any secrets. 

 

I think you are right.

 

I don't mean secretly sneaking around and doing a bunch of stuff that will get one into trouble.

 

If my kid thinks so and so in his class is cute, he doesn't need to tell me that if he doesn't want to.

[Murphy101]

Idk. I don't know how you can say to a kid 'you can have privacy, but no secrets'. Secrets are the privacy of the mind, imo.

 

The distinction should be between secrets that make you feel bad to keep vs secrets that don't.

 

I mean, a secret is just information that you keep hidden aka private.

Privacy and secrets are not at all the same to me and my household. None of my kids have had a problem knowing the difference.

 

The hiding aspect would be the problem to us. Anything I have to hide from my spouse or my kids is not something I want anything to do with. I can't think of any secret, anything purposely hidden from each other, that's a good thing in a marriage.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I can.

 

For example, why would I tell my spouse about the crush I have on someone we both know ? (hypothetical but entirely possible ). Or vice versa.

 

How exactly would this aid communication ? Better I deal with it on my own in an ethical way without needing to 'share'.

 

Dd was out to her friends for a year before she was out to us. That's a secret. No biggie. She told us when she was ready; obviously, it felt 'safer' to her to keep that a secret from us for a while but not from her friends. She 100% had that right. 

 

I could think of loads more if I wanted to. Compulsory lack of secrets is not necessarily a virtue in my book. 

 

Yeah. Some stuff is just better left unsaid too.  If my husband thinks some woman is hot, I really don't want to hear about it. 

[TammyS]

Coming from a family of chronic over-sharers, I tend to err on the side of under-sharing.

 

I actually, without hyperbole, feel a physical scar in my brain, from having been a recipient of over-sharing. 

 

Keeping stuff to oneself, when there is no safety imperative, is highly underrated, imo.

:iagree:  100%

 

 

We had some of this dynamic in my family as well.  The worst thing about over-sharers is that they don't have personal boundaries, and so they don't respect yours, either.  There was a lot of intrusive behavior that left me uncomfortable a lot of the time, but the over-sharers just thought I was being.....I dunno, snotty, or something, because I didn't want others all up in what I considered to be my business.

[TammyS]

Privacy and secrets are not at all the same to me and my household. None of my kids have had a problem knowing the difference.

 

The hiding aspect would be the problem to us. Anything I have to hide from my spouse or my kids is not something I want anything to do with. I can't think of any secret, anything purposely hidden from each other, that's a good thing in a marriage.

 

Ok, but then explain the difference between what you call "privacy" and what you call "secrecy".  Because I'm not understanding the difference. 

[Joker]

It might be a very different family dynamic too.

 

I meet people all the time who are shocked about how good my marriage is and how much my dh and talk about everything. Every one says a lack of communication is a major thing. That their families just don't talk like ours does.

 

And I guess our marriage dynamic has over flowed to our kids.

 

When dh or I leave, we say where we are going, why, when we will be back. And when we come back, we talk about everything that happened while we were gone. Traffic. Stupid song on the radio. Crazy shoppers. Work stuff. What all the kids did. What we ate. Whatever.

 

When the kids leave, they do the same. Even my grown kids.

 

I've never sat them down and said, "Now you MUST tell me everything since last we we saw each other. It's a family law!"

 

Even when we aren't living together, daily phone calls or texts will likely happen. It's not prying. It's just family staying connected. There's no mandate about it. No anger if someone misses a day without contact.

 

It's just what we tend to do.

 

Dh and I are like that, we share everything, but our dds aren't and that's fine. It doesn't affect our relationship with them. My in laws are some of the most private and secretive people I know. They have also not only been married for 54 years, but have been very happily married all that time. So, being private and secretive hasn't hurt them or their marriage. It also hasn't hurt their relationship with their children. Dh just laughs about it when some big, or small, secret comes out. It's not been damaging. I'm extremely close with my mother but do keep secrets from time to time. Right now, none of our family knows that oldest dd is gay. It is 100% her decision and she's not ready for them to know. It's not something that's just private since every now and then one might ask about relationships or boys. It's okay and when they do find out, they will deal and our relationships will be fine. 

[Murphy101]

I can.

 

For example, why would I tell my spouse about the crush I have on someone we both know ? (hypothetical but entirely possible ). Or vice versa.

 

How exactly would this aid communication ? Better I deal with it on my own in an ethical way without needing to 'share'.

 

Dd was out to her friends for a year before she was out to us. That's a secret. No biggie. She told us when she was ready; obviously, it felt 'safer' to her to keep that a secret from us for a while but not from her friends. She 100% had that right.

 

I could think of loads more if I wanted to. Compulsory lack of secrets is not necessarily a virtue in my book.

Alrighty. We disagree then.

 

I don't think hiding things from those closest to me is a virtue. Or maybe more accurately, I don't think having things I have to hide from them is the best thing for our relationships.

 

I don't even know what you mean by "compulsory lack of secrets". No one is stalking and brow beating the thoughts and daily activities out of each other in my house.

 

The secrets and the hiding is just not the natural mode of operation in our home. That does not sound like a safe environment for sharing and developing close relationships to me.

Edited November 27, 2015 by Murphy101

[unsinkable]

You know what REALLY puts the fun in dysfunctional?

 

The family that keeps secrets, but not really, because everyone knows the secrets. But no one can acknowledge to anyone else that he or she knows the secrets.

 

:willy_nilly:

[Murphy101]

lol, so you would tell dh 'hey, I've got a mega crush on Ruby's dad! He's so darn attractive. I don't plan on doing anything about it, because I don't believe in cheating on one's spouse, but I just thought you should know that if makes my heart flutter and my blood race when I run into him at the store. 'Night hon.'

 

Or maybe in safe, healthy families, married women don't have crushes!

My dh would look at me like I grew a third head if I said I had a crush on anyone. I'm not the kind who gets crushes. Even in my school days I never understood crushes. Maybe I married my one and only crush and that's why. Idk.

 

We both joke it's a good thing he got a wedding ring on me before Tom Selleck had a chance to. It is something that's laughable not some secret.

Edited November 27, 2015 by Murphy101

[Jean in Newcastle]

Idk. I don't know how you can say to a kid 'you can have privacy, but no secrets'. Secrets are the privacy of the mind, imo. 

 

The distinction should be between secrets that make you feel bad to keep vs secrets that don't.

 

I mean, a secret is just information that you keep hidden aka private. 

 

Since you quoted my words, you need to actually look at the link I provided above to explain what I see as the distinction between privacy and secrets.  It's ok for you to use a different definition.  You need to understand though that with different definitions we might have similar family dynamics that we still describe differently. 

[texasmama]

Ah. Well, crushes probably just happen in cesspools of deception like my family.

A mutual friend has an obvious crush on me. We are couple friends. His wife knows, too. We are all so old we laugh about it. (Not all four of us together but she and I and me and dh.) There is not a snowball's chance in hell of any of it going anywhere so it falls in the "cute and funny" category. No one's marriage is in danger. And it's actually not a secret. But we aren't cesspools of depravation and I doubt you are, either.

[texasmama]

Oh, I don't know.

 

A little depravity makes it fun.

I'll work on the depravity then.

[fairfarmhand]

We don't have that rule here. Your own opinions, feelings, etc. are yours. You can keep them secret if you want.

 

We do talk about how there are things you need to tell though - if someone hurts you physically or touches you in a way that makes you uncomfortable, if someone is breaking the law or a serious house rule, if someone or you are being bullied, if something that isn't yours or yours alone got broken, etc.

 

I think it's important to instill a sense of personal privacy for kids. Obviously when they're little, they don't need or want much. As they get older, they need more. I think kids inevitably have to have secrets as they grow up. I think especially of kids who turn out to be gay. The idea that they're not "allowed" to have that secret (even if that's not the intention) feels uncomfortable to me. There are other things like that too - desires about college, careers, first loves, etc. Those deserve to be private.

 

I think the idea of secrets vs. surprises makes sense. I can respect that... just not the right one for us...

 

This is how I feel.

 

I am a deeply private person. It's not that I have secrets, but I don't feel that obligation to inform everyone about my personal feelings all the time. I was always aghast in middle school at the girls who blabbed about their crushes to their family and friends. I would have been mortified if I were actually able to get the words out of my mouth.

 

There are deep hurts and memories that I can't talk about with my kids and I know they probably have the same.

 

However, apparently my lack of forcing openness has served us well. My girls tell me many things that I doubt I would have heard if I had pushed harder for.

 

I guess I draw a diiferent line between secrets and respecting someone's private feelings.

 

[unsinkable]

I'll work on the depravity then.

We expect a full report.

[texasmama]

We expect a full report.

Chief of Oversharers here. You shall receive it.

[Murphy101]

Ah. Well, crushes probably just happen in cesspools of deception like my family.

Or maybe it's just that only no boundaries, thought policing, overly controlling saying everything that enters our silly heads families like mine just don't understand you very well. 🙄

[unsinkable]

Chief of Oversharers here. You shall receive it.

Please redact some details out of respect for Undersharers. We strive for an inclusive community.

[texasmama]

Please redact some details out of respect for Undersharers. We strive for an inclusive community.

Of course. I do aim to walk the fine line.

[Annie G]

You know what REALLY puts the fun in dysfunctional?

 

The family that keeps secrets, but not really, because everyone knows the secrets. But no one can acknowledge to anyone else that he or she knows the secrets.

 

:willy_nilly:

 

This. 

 

Dh's sister has one son. He's gay. And very out, and very proud, and VERY successful career wise. I'm Facebook friends with him, as are all of my kids. And yet SIL doesn't want to acknowledge it and it makes me mad. Saw dear nephew two weeks ago and he and I had a delightful conversation about his significant other.  Why SIL and my inlaws refuse to talk about it is beyond me.   It's a secret that's not a secret. 

[Guest]

Yeah, I am way more in the Undersharer group. I don't think every thought must be expressed. I don't think some things are beneficial to be shared, like Sadie said upthread. Some things are better left unsaid.

 

You know, one thing I am rather proud of as a friend is that I am Fort Knox for not spreading tales said to me in confidence. I know some people who are the opposite of this and they are just lousy women to have as a friend. You can't say two words to them if you are not 100% fine with it traveling to other ears. But for me? There is plenty of information I am taking to my grave because it would do nothing but hurt others if the info travelled.

 

I remember when I got my first period. I knew I had to tell my mom, but I REALLY DID NOT WANT TO! But I did, cause I figured she would need this infirmation to keep me in the necessary supplies. Hours later, I heard her telling someone on the telephone. Now - I know it is not unusual to tell your friends or you mother or whomever when this happens with your DD. But I resented that deeply at the time because I was intensly private and my mom did not understand that need.

 

I think how private vs. How much one needs to talk to feel close to someone affects how they then feel about secrets kept from them by their kids. The blabby people I know I think use that as a measure of closeness. The private people don't, so it doesn't feel wrong for our kids to have their own private lives.

[Murphy101]

Alrighty there then now. There's an example.

 

Having a period is private, but not a secret.

 

Not keeping secrets does not mean gossiping about everything.

 

It's not complicated to think the level of confidence within a household is closer than the level of confidence extended to those outside of it.

[zoobie]

Maybe the need to lie if you're asked about it or engage in deception to keep the information concealed is a differentiation. Take having a period as an example. That's private information. I do complain about it to DH, so he generally knows when I am having one. If I chose not to complain about it, he might not know when I started it. If he asked, I wouldn't lie to him. If I needed to lie to cover up the fact that I wasn't having one (pregnant with my secret boyfriend's secret love child), that would no longer be only my business privacy. I might hide the fact that I didn't start if I were going to surprise him with a pregnancy announcement, but that doesn't have a negative connotation. 

 

I have never really had crushes either, but if I had one on some random celebrity, that would be private. If I went to lengths to act on the crush (lying and trying to meet him?), that would be a secret. 

 

Where did you spend $500? If you lie because you spent it on your girlfriend or drug habit, that's keeping a secret. If you spent it on airplane tickets to surprise me with a getaway, that's not.

 

Again, we don't have a NO SECRETS rule. We've discussed it with our kids in the context of safety issues, but it's not a spoken rule. DH and I generally overshare with each other. When he does not, it's usually because something is stressing him or he's upset. I don't expect to read diaries, but I would hope my kids share college essays with me. If they did not, I would respect that. I think. I might be concerned one made up some dire illness or situation to have a more interesting essay...

[Guest]

Maybe the need to lie if you're asked about it or engage in deception to keep the information concealed is a differentiation

It may be to some here. To me, a secret is not necessarily an attempt to deceive. If my grown kid did not want to share a college essay with me, I would not leap to the thought that it must be a lie or something bad that I don't know about. It could be they have some complex thoughts or ideas and don't wish to reveal it to me now or yet. Maybe the child is thinking of converting to a different religion and they are sorting out their thoughts about it. Maybe they differ with me on a political view and they are not ready to have a debate about it.

 

I don't know...to me, so much behavior comes down to are you behaving in a loving and kind way? I don't teach my kids they can't have secrets, but they will also know it's not cool to keep secrets for deceptive and devious purposes. It's not as though they would say, "Well, you never taught me not to cover up for my friend's drug habit."

[amy g.]

My children have a high degree of privacy. I do not go through their things, or even insist on knowing all of their friends.

 

I have, however, told them that someone who asks them to keep a secret is not a safe person.

 

Between my own siblings, if one of us says,"I want to tell you something but I don't want so and so to know." We say, "Then don't tell me."

 

Keeping a secret is an unfair burden to put on others.

 

My middle daughter has a friend from a very insane, abusive family. Every week, their are things going on in that family that the kids are "not allowed to tell anyone." My daughter tells her,"My mom says that when someone wants you to keep their secrets they are not a safe person."

 

How sad that this kid's parents care more about keeping some fake public good reputation than they do about their children being able to talk about their feelings and receive feedback and process the whole situation.

 

My sister is shocked that I refuse to pry into my older children's relationships and private lives. I just tell her that they will share what they want to share when they are ready to share it. That isn't keeping secrets. That is just having a respectful, adult relationship.

 

Asking someone else to keep your secrets, on the other hand is neither adult or respectful.

[zoobie]

It may be to some here. To me, a secret is not necessarily an attempt to deceive. If my grown kid did not want to share a college essay with me, I would not leap to the thought that it must be a lie or something bad that I don't know about. It could be they have some complex thoughts or ideas and don't wish to reveal it to me now or yet. Maybe the child is thinking of converting to a different religion and they are sorting out their thoughts about it. Maybe they differ with me on a political view and they are not ready to have a debate about it.

 

I don't know...to me, so much behavior comes down to are you behaving in a loving and kind way? I don't teach my kids they can't have secrets, but they will also know it's not cool to keep secrets for deceptive and devious purposes. It's not as though they would say, "Well, you never taught me not to cover up for my friend's drug habit."

I was mostly joking about one particular way-too-young-for-college-yet child with a flair for the dramatic re: fictionalized college essay.

 

I wouldn't demand an answer to what religion a child affiliated with, so there would be no reason to lie. Only in a household that did demand such private information and required allegiance to a particular religion would people find that question problematic. I could see it coming up in discussions as we talk about different religions and politics openly, but there's no requirement the child join in the discussion or adhere to our belief. We don't have a NO SECRETS rule or a religiosity test.

 

I am defending the *idea* of secrets vs surprises without any authoritarian parenting philosophy. For me, the idea boils down to lying/sneaking = bad. If you're in a relationship, you should be respectful of the other party. If the child knows the behavior violates the parent's rules and does it anyway and lies to cover it up, there's something simmering. Either the parent's rule/expectation is too oppressive or the child is out of line. Or somewhere in between. Same with adults. If my husband has to lie to me to cover up behavior that doesn't involve a pleasant surprise, there's something off-balance between us. It doesn't mean I need a line by line accounting of the thoughts in his head. That would be oppressive on my part. I would like him to answer any question I posit him with either the honest response or "why the hell are you asking me that?!?!" (privacy response, which is what he'd say or voice a legal argument such as "Objection, asking for information outside the scope of discovery.") We both have issues with parents who lie and sneak. It's not a rule, but being "secretive" is a whole different ballgame from having privacy and personal boundaries for us.

Edited November 28, 2015 by zoobie

[Joker]

I just can't get on board with the idea that every person who asks another to keep a secret is an unsafe and disrespectful person. That's not my reality or experience. A few but definitely not all or even most.

[Dmmetler]

I have a FB friend who is, now, 19 and a college student. When she got her FB account one of her mother's rules was that she had to pick a couple of adults to "friend", and that she not hide anything from those adults. The understanding was that we wouldn't share anything that wasn't putting her at significant risk with her parents-but that we would if it crossed the line.

 

I'm pretty sure I've heard a lot more than mom has about crushes and minor heartbreaks and that a particular "friend" really isn't-normal teen stuff. I did PM and encourage her to go to her professor and thr student support center when she felt over her head in her first college math class, but in that case, she'd actually shared with her parents that she felt concerned-but as a college faculty member myself, I knew more about what was available than her parents did.

Edited November 28, 2015 by dmmetler

[Minerva]

How do you enforce the "don't keep a secret" rule? I can't get passed the feeling that this is setting up for secrets upon secrets by demanding this.

 

 

 

[SparklyUnicorn]

How do you enforce the "don't keep a secret" rule? I can't get passed the feeling that this is setting up for secrets upon secrets by demanding this.

 

Exactly

[SKL]

I don't have a "no secrets" rule in my family.  I don't own what is inside my kids' brains.

 

I encourage them to tell me about certain kinds of things, for their own good.  But IMO it is more important for them to feel they have some level of autonomy than for me to know every thing that happens to them.

 

FTR I had many unhappy secrets as a kid.  I had to decide and I decided not to tell.  It's on me.  I don't think it would have been better to add on the stress of "this breaks the no secrets rule."  Frankly there is no way I would have told my parents many things, rule or no rule.

[TammyS]

This. 

 

Dh's sister has one son. He's gay. And very out, and very proud, and VERY successful career wise. I'm Facebook friends with him, as are all of my kids. And yet SIL doesn't want to acknowledge it and it makes me mad. Saw dear nephew two weeks ago and he and I had a delightful conversation about his significant other.  Why SIL and my inlaws refuse to talk about it is beyond me.   It's a secret that's not a secret. 

 

But why do you feel they are obligated to talk about it with you?  How is their thoughts/feelings about it any of your business?  Or anybody's other than the man in question?

[TammyS]

 

I remember when I got my first period. I knew I had to tell my mom, but I REALLY DID NOT WANT TO! But I did, cause I figured she would need this infirmation to keep me in the necessary supplies. Hours later, I heard her telling someone on the telephone. Now - I know it is not unusual to tell your friends or you mother or whomever when this happens with your DD. But I resented that deeply at the time because I was intensly private and my mom did not understand that need.

 

 

 

I would have resented that, too. :grouphug:

[creekland]

How do you enforce the "don't keep a secret" rule? I can't get passed the feeling that this is setting up for secrets upon secrets by demanding this.

 

I've wondered this too.  If someone doesn't share info with someone else, how, exactly, do they know this is happening?

 

Reading through these situations I realized there have been a few times we've asked our kids not to share what's going on in our family.  The main example that came to mind is when we cleaned chickens one weekend... I know not all young youngsters (or even older folks) appreciate knowing this info, esp step by step, so we warned our guys not to tell other kids at school.

 

We forgot to tell them not to tell others in Sunday School (in response to "what did you do yesterday.")  Youngest turned his teacher and another student or two green...

 

Not all info needs to be shared and not all of that is bad.