Losing things

[purplejackmama]

Ever had a child who chronically loses, everything? Shoes, glasses, books, toys, etc. I need advice on how to help her. This is a major stressor for her, well really all of us. When it's time to go somewhere, "everything is lost!"

 

For the record, this child is my artistic one. She's messy and creative. Not making excuses but giving you additional info to help me formulate a plan. Thanks!

[abba12]

I have a husband, does that count? :P

 

In his case, he has a chronic sleep condition and ADHD, the two together make him about the most forgetful person in the world.

 

For some things, giving them a home, and being non-negotiable that they live in that home and nowhere else, helps. So if my glasses arent on my head they are on my bedside table. Nowhere else, ever. DH keys live on the hook by the front door. His phone belongs either in his pocket or on my desk where the charger is. Things like library books have a library shelf, if they arent being read they go on the library shelf, even if they're halfway through, when they finish they put a bookmark in and put it back on the shelf. 

 

For other things it can help to have emergency items. So, you mention shoes. Keep a cheap (uncomfortable)  pair of shoes in the car. DH has medication he has to take and never remembers, ever, so he keeps a slip at work, and a slip in the car glovebox. He tries to remember to bring them from home still, but if he doesn't, he knows he has two slips worth in other places. 

 

Other times, she may just have to go without and learn from it. You can't find the toy you wanted to take to friends place? I'm sorry, we need to leave now, you'll have to take it next time. 

[Anne in CA]

All three of my kids are messy "losers", lol. What helps the most is to limit possessions to the extreme. These "losers" are hoarders, and cannot be allowed to keep all the stuff they want. Also, they have to clean their rooms before internet or screen time. Room cleaning must be examined by mom so that is not just a "sweep it all under the bed" clean.

[Laurie4b]

Well, that is me. Over the years, I've gotten better at it, but I still lose more than the average person. The fact is that I probably have undiagnosed ADHD. I am also messy and creative. 

 

I am not sure how old your child is, but these suggestions are directed at high school age or above. You can probably figure out how to apply them at a younger age but it will almost certainly involve you lending your executive functions to help until you have figured out a system that works for her. And people with these traits do not typically do well with systems created by people who were born organized. Even if she's not ADHD, I would suggest looking through books on organization designed for people who are ADHD. 

 

Things that help: I have taught myself to review certain things at all transition points  (leaving the house, getting into the car, leaving someplace I have gone to, etc.) I look for my cell phone & keys.  If you have a younger child, you can think of transition points like when she enters the house: where are your shoes? Where are you going to put them? 

 

I've also taught myself to put something where I cannot help but remember it. Often, as an adult, I will put it in the car if I need to take it somewhere. I interrupt whatever I am doing at the moment I think of it because otherwise it is likely I will forget about it.) Allowing your kids to keep things they don't want to forget in plain sight where they have to walk past them (like right next to the front door) can help as well because visual memory cues are important for people with these traits.  This is obviously only effective when you have an object in your hand and know that it needs to go someplace. Often times, the cause of the problem is that I have an object in my hand and I am thinking about something else and have no idea what my hand has done with the object. I haven't figured out the solution to that one yet. 

 

Visual storage is also very helpful: ie when she can see what she has. For many people who lose things a lot, they leave them out because when they are put away, they "disappear" from the mind. So you might want to experiment with whether storing shoes on a shelf by the door is more helpful than in her room. (This is also one of the reasons why super organized people's systems don't work for people who naturally lose lots of stuff. It's because they want to put things out of sight in folders, drawers, etc )

 

There are now little gadgets  (Tiles is one brand Trackrs is another) that you can attach to things like keys and can be activated by a smart phone, etc. for finding. I have been thinking of getting some. 

 

Also many people with the losing/ messy/ creative traits are also poor at estimating time. I was in my 20s before I realized that I was 15 min late everywhere because I didn't count travel time into my preparation time! (I lived about 15 min from most places I needed to go.) So helping your dd figure out a realistic time to start to get ready (or to prepare the night before for school, etc.) so that she has time to locate things might be helpful if this is a part of the problem. When you are rushing, you are more likely to misplace things and more likely to overlook them in the search.

 

Lists can be really helpful.

 

Please don't punish your child who loses objects for losing them. (That was done to me.) That only raises anxiety and causes less mindfulness, not more. 

 

[zoobie]

All of us. ADHD sucks. If I could aerate Ritalin into our home, I think it might be easier.

 

Checklists. Post one on the door. Laminate (luggage tag) and attach to backpacks/bags. Have a bag for each activity. We take shoes off in the mudroom and each person has a cubby and basket and space. Usually they don't make it in the cubby, but it's at least a smaller space to search. Sigh.

 

Important stuff needs a home, as abba says. Car keys, always on hook by door. Purse always on shelf in mudroom. DH's wallet always in its spot. We stop what we are doing and return Important Things immediately.

 

School stuff gets a Container Store Multipurpose Bin. With a checklist taped to it. I still waste time searching for things, but this has helped. Everything we are working on goes in the bin. Atlas, texts, extra reading, whatever.

 

Multiples of things like phone chargers and scissors and stuff that gets used in multiple places--so there's a charger wherever we usually need one instead of moving one around and trying to find it. Caddy with pencils, pens, scissors, and tape in just about every room. They tend to wander off less that way.

 

Smart But Scattered has a couple of books that are supposed to be good. I bought one but haven't been able to get through it. There's a thread on that too...

[morningcoffee]

Multiples of things like phone chargers and scissors and stuff that gets used in multiple places--so there's a charger wherever we usually need one instead of moving one around and trying to find it. Caddy with pencils, pens, scissors, and tape in just about every room. They tend to wander off less that way.

 

 

Of course! Why haven't I been doing this? (smacks forehead) 

[ktgrok]

 

 

Things that help: I have taught myself to review certain things at all transition points  (leaving the house, getting into the car, leaving someplace I have gone to, etc.) I look for my cell phone & keys.  

I've also taught myself to put something where I cannot help but remember it. Often, as an adult, I will put it in the car if I need to take it somewhere.

 

 Often times, the cause of the problem is that I have an object in my hand and I am thinking about something else and have no idea what my hand has done with the object. I haven't figured out the solution to that one yet. 

 

 

Also many people with the losing/ messy/ creative traits are also poor at estimating time. I was in my 20s before I realized that I was 15 min late everywhere because I didn't count travel time into my preparation time! (

 

Please don't punish your child who loses objects for losing them. (That was done to me.) That only raises anxiety and causes less mindfulness, not more. 

 

All of the above apply to me! Especially the part about not knowing what your hand has done with an object. Just last week I was arguing with my teenager while angrily cleaning the kitchen. And misplaced the salt. I remembered having it in my hand while arguing with him, but minutes later had NO clue where I put it. (found it 3 days later in the cabinet with the cutting boards). 

 

I do check EVERY time I leave the house for my phone, wallet, and keys. I still forget my phone at least once a week. And no, punishing me would do NOTHING to help me. Neither would having to pay for what I lost, etc. I do that as an adult. It doesn't help. 

[fairfarmhand]

For me (I'm the loser!) I need FEWER things.

 

We can keep up with one pair of shoes. They go off right by the door.

 

Keys go on a hook by the door. Everything to get out of the house goes right by the door so I don't have to gather it up.

 

Your dd may need reminders for a few weeks right as she's entering the house "Shoes off dd!" "Keys on the hook, dd." But I bet soon it will become a habit.

[ktgrok]

Yes, less is better for me. If I have 6 chargers I'll lose them all. If I have one I can keep track of it. That kind of thing. And yes, a place for things helps, and it has to be easy. So a basket right by the door for shoes works. Putting them in the closet doesn't..I'l forget before I get there. 

[Ellesmere]

We constantly lose things or leave things behind. 

I know it is your kid, but as I've grown up, this is what helped me:

Less is best for me in terms of clutter -- the less I have, the more likely I am to see where stuff is. Unfortunately, if I file a paper -- out of sight, out of mind. Anything in drawers will be forgotten and deemed lost. But I do keep certain items with no duplicates. Some are mentally chained to my desk. I have just one purse. Apparently my mind can't handle switching purses to match my outfit or for fun.

One pair of gloves, one pair of mittens each and they must, without fail, go into the basket by the door each and every time we come in during the winter. Just one water bottle for me that is washed and left to dry by the sink if I'm not out and about. For the kids, they have one spot in the house for art and supplies. It all must happen there or we lose stuff the moment we think, oh, well, let's just do a little crafting over at the kitchen table ...

On the other hand, I have to have a cheap phone charger in every room. Pens, pencils, and scissors are stashed all over wherever I have used them. Little packages of tissues in the car, in my purse, in my coat pocket, in every backpack.

I Konmari folded some of my clothes and since doing that I don't lose them nearly as often. 

Books are an issue since I can't just buy a copy for every room. E-books help but I prefer print and the device gets lost all the time. For mine, it lives in my purse, but then I lose track of it when I read in bed. My kids have picked a spot in the house for theirs and it helps, but they like to bring them for car rides, so again, it's going through the list every time we leave -- do you have your coat? Kindle? Water bottle? It gets mentally exhausting.

As mentioned -- punishment doesn't really help and, yes, emergency packs are good. Our vehicle has a stash of emergency clothes (nothing nice, but would do in a pinch). I don't know if it's just us, but the messy, creative, loses-everything streak also comes with a large helping of clumsiness. More than once someone has spilled food or something while out and needed to change. No comment on whether that has been mostly the kids or me.  :blushing: 

However, I'm not the one who went through five pairs of glasses in six months. But that did bring back memories of when I once left my glasses almost an hour from home when I was in third grade. 

 

[Excelsior! Academy]

The previous tips are excellent!  

 

I have a Windows phone and it links to Google Calendar and syncs to all connected phones.  Any time you schedule an activity the calendar gives you a preset 15 minute reminder.  You have the option to turn off the reminder or change the amount of time for the reminder from minutes to hours to days.  We schedule in anything that requires us to prepare for it.  Sunday morning Bible class and worship service are scheduled in and the reminder is set so it signals when it is almost time to leave.   Guitar and French lessons are both at my home, but scheduled in the calendar with reminders so I will remember to have the rooms preset and generally picked up before the tutors arrive.  The scheduled events also show up on my screen's home page, so the first thing I see on my phone is the next scheduled activity.

[HS Mom in NC]

We have shoe rack next to each door we enter/exit to go somewhere.  As soon as we're home, we take off our shoes and out them on the shoe rack.

Library books have their own shelf.  In use school books have their own shelf. 

We hang our keys on a place for that or they're in my purse which has it's own place in a cabinet.

 

We give plenty of time to get ready to go somewhere.  We never assume everything will go smoothly-we expect the unexpected.

[oneangelwaiting]

We have a key hook by the door to go out to the garage. I have gone over with my kids 8 million times "your glasses go on your face or in their case" and that has worked (the cases are in a designated spot in a cabinet). We have a shoe rack by the front door, each kid has a pair of tennis shoes there (during the summer it may be flip flops, during winter it may be boots). All other shoes are in their bedroom closet, but those are shoes that wouldn't be worn as frequently. We have a caddy for all pencils, pens, etc. which is easy to take from room to room if needed. I helped them organize their dresser drawers so all their pants/bottoms go in one, tops go in one, pajamas in one etc. We also have hooks in our entry way where the kids each have a jacket hanging in plain sight. During the winter their coats will go there. We have a hat basket by the front door as well as a mitten/glove basket. Everything goes in those baskets when you take them off unless they need to be washed, in which case they are washed and then go back in the basket. It is somewhat cluttered but everyone knows exactly where everything is and it makes getting ready to go very easy. The older kids can help the younger ones as well which is a big help for me.

 

So in short, a place for everything and everything in it's place. Fwiw I do remind the kids every time we get home to put their stuff where it goes, and if I see something out of place I ask them to put it away where it goes.

 

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[Laurie4b]

 

 

I do check EVERY time I leave the house for my phone, wallet, and keys. I still forget my phone at least once a week. And no, punishing me would do NOTHING to help me. Neither would having to pay for what I lost, etc. I do that as an adult. It doesn't help. 

Exactly. It's not a moral issue; it's a neurological issue.