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mom2bee

911! Please nitpick the grammar of this paragraph

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I have to write a 1 paragraph summary of a new student club for my Technical Writing course which I'm taking at a university. For privacy, I have removed the name of my school and professor.

 

Throughout this semester I have lost many points for misuse of commas and apostrophes, pronoun agreement and use of the passive voice.

I especially need help rewarding that really long and awkward and bulky part that is underlined.

 

 

 

 

Dear. Dr. ___________,

 

The student organization that my group mates and I are proposing is called The Professional Developers Society. The organization that we are proposing is a way to help students of computer science, and any other discipline, who feel that their major is not sufficiently preparing them for entry into the professional realm of their chosen field. The mission of The Professional Developers Society is to help students develop the interviewing skills and professional manners they need to be successful during the interviewing process. In addition to interviewing skills and professional manners, the Professional Developers Society aims to provide community and camaraderie to any students interested in creating personal projects in the hopes of developing a professional portfolio during their academic career. The Professional Developers Society will be a valuable addition to the students of CIS because the fact that there is neither departmental guidance nor support for the development of a student portfolio at SCHOOL, the average GPA of a SCHOOL student is below the 3.0 required by many companies for internships and job interviews and the absence of professional development as a required course for CIS majors, many SCHOOL graduates are at a disadvantage as they seek entry into the professional world. The Professional Developers Society would provide CIS students with both an outlet and opportunities to use their skills and develop their talents with no grades attached.

 

Sincerely,

 

mom2bee

 

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My group mates and I are proposing a student organization  called The Professional Developers Society. The Society will help computer science students, as well as students in other disciplines, to develop the interviewing skills and professional manners they need to be successful in their chosen careers. In addition, the Professional Developers Society will aim to provide community and support to students attempting to develop professional portfolios.


 


At the moment, there is neither departmental guidance nor support for students attempting to develop portfolios. In addition, the average GPA of a SCHOOL student is below the 3.0 required by many companies for internships and job interviews. Finally, the absence of required professional development courses in the CIS major puts many SCHOOL graduates at a disadvantage as they seek entry into the professional world.The Professional Developers Society will address these deficiencies, providing CIS students with the opportunity to develop essential professional skills.

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Quick stab at it:

 

The student organization that my group mates and I are proposing is called The Professional Developers Society. The organization that we are proposing is a way to shall help students of computer science, and any other discipline, who feel that their major is not sufficiently preparing them for entry into the professional realm of their chosen field. The mission of The Professional Developers Society is shall be to help students develop the interviewing skills and professional manners they need to be successful during the interviewing process. In addition to interviewing skills and professional manners, the Professional Developers Society shall aims to provide community and camaraderie to any students interested in creating personal projects in the hopes of developing a professional portfolio during their academic career. The Professional Developers Society will be a valuable addition to the students of [spell out what CIS stands for the first time you use it-don't assume readers know] (CIS). because the fact that Several factors place many SCHOOL graduates are at a disadvantage as they seek entry into the professional world: there is neither departmental guidance nor support for the development of a student portfolio at SCHOOL, the average GPA of a SCHOOL student is below the 3.0 required by many companies for internships and job interviews, and the absence of professional development as is not a required course for CIS majors. The Professional Developers Society would provide CIS students with both an outlet [what kind of an outlet/outlet for what?] and opportunities to use their skills and develop their talents with no grades attached.

 

 

You can obviously substitute "will" for shall if that is your preference. :lol:   Just keep your tenses consistent.

 

Also, "group mates" sounded weird to me, and made reading the first sentence confusing.  I had to re-read it.  I originally read it up to mates as your group was mating something.  LOL It's just not a term I would ever use in technical writing.  Of course, that's probably just me, so feel free to ignore as I have no suggestions on fixing it. [ETA: I like Susan's suggestion!]

 

I personally might move the "valuable addition" sentence to follow the factors placing SCHOOL students at a disadvantage to show solidify that the org is going to help with those things by being a solution.

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Thank you both so much.

 

 

:001_tt1:  :willy_nilly:  :001_tt1: I can't believe that SWB proofread my paragraph!!! 

 

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Also, "group mates" sounded weird to me, and made reading the first sentence confusing.  I had to re-read it.  I originally read it up to mates as your group was mating something.  LOL It's just not a term I would ever use in technical writing.  Of course, that's probably just me, so feel free to ignore as I have no suggestions on fixing it. [ETA: I like Susan's suggestion!]

Concerning my use of "group mates"

I changed my paragraph to because: "The student club my group and I are proposing is called PDS..." sounded wrong to me. I did not want to be using the wrong pronoun or mismatched tenses. :unsure: I never knew I was so weak in grammar until this semester. Now I find myself questioning every.single.thing... 

 

 

 

 

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