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Stealing - foster/ adopt parents please


Melissa in Australia
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Hoping that people who foster/ adopt can give me some tips.

 

 I have a 4 year old who steals. it is directly related to past trauma.

We had limited success with a social story especially written for him by the Speech Pathologist, but he has just had PTS flashbacks  in the last few weeks and now his stealing is worse than ever. won't list specific incidents, it is not taking food.  HE is stealing many many times a day.

 

I am very familiar with the theory behind stealing with young children who have experienced trauma and how it is most probably his attempt to control the world around him, also a shield etc.

 

We watch them all the time, always have him in the same room etc. but there are always a few moments when your eyes are not directly on him. I cannot be having him right at my side holding my hand all day long.  I am mentally exhausted.

 

 

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This is really tough. My friend had this with hers. She wrote this book that might help to read it to him. https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1367769515/as-real-as-it-gets-a-picture-book-for-older-adopte.

 

I am not pushing you to support the book, just click on the link and the entire story is at the bottom. If it looks interesting, please private messagee and I can work on getting you a copy when it goes to print. I might even be able to connect you with Amanda the author who is a great friend of mine and has been there/done that with 2 of her adopted kids.

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Haven't fostered, do have some experience with childhood PTSD though. For me, I had a hoarding issue, it made me feel secure to have things, it was control and preparedness and just plain not wanting to be deprived anymore. Taking things was part of the hoarding. It wasn't stealing, or at least, I didn't see it that way. For me it was about hoarding, and I just happened to hoard other peoples things too.

 

Unfortunately, the only thing that stopped the stealing was stopping the hoarding, for me it needed to be treated as a whole hoarding issue, not just the individual symptom of stealing.

 

I'm just throwing the theory out as the first thing which comes to my mind when you mention PTSD and stealing. I could be totally off base. But if it is the same, you should be able to find a whole host of resources on dealing with hoarding/obsessive tendencies.

 

Alternatively, this may have nothing to do with hoarding whatsoever and could just be a stealing problem, in which case all I can offer are hugs  :grouphug:  I hope someone with more knowledge than me has a suggestion

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Are there any big changes happening in his life? My friend says her son reverts back to that when under stress.

 

Yep.  We have a child that does this.  He does so well, then bam! reverts back.  It. is. hard.  Just know you are not alone.  It can and does get better with time and consistency.  Just give him security and love.  And don't let the little guy out of your sight if you can help it.  My sweet boy had to follow me to the bathroom and sit on the outside of the door with his fingers under the door where I could see them.  Now I can finally let him out of my sight a bit.  

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One of mine did this when she went through a fairly big change in her life around age 5/6, and has periodically done it since then.  I wish I had a cure, because I'd use it, but I don't.  Theoretically, it seems most sensible to make the desired thing (or reasonable substitute) freely available to the child.  However, I tried that and it didn't solve the problem.  Maybe it helped, I don't know.  I tried a lot of things.  I really think the stress level is what makes the tendency come and go.  Of course that is not something we can always control.

 

I think we have to be careful about our expectations as far as conscience in a young child.  I was not an adoptee, and I didn't really have much of a conscience until I was about 12.  I went through periods of stealing despite having a "normal" childhood.  So I try to remind myself that it is not realistic to expect a young child to stop stealing just because it's wrong.  Stealing has its own rewards, and that's going to be stronger than conscience for some time to come IMO.  It might be longer than average for a traumatized adoptee, though that is not certain.

 

Good luck.  :grouphug:

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Haven't fostered, do have some experience with childhood PTSD though. For me, I had a hoarding issue, it made me feel secure to have things, it was control and preparedness and just plain not wanting to be deprived anymore. Taking things was part of the hoarding. It wasn't stealing, or at least, I didn't see it that way. For me it was about hoarding, and I just happened to hoard other peoples things too.

 

Unfortunately, the only thing that stopped the stealing was stopping the hoarding, for me it needed to be treated as a whole hoarding issue, not just the individual symptom of stealing.

 

I'm just throwing the theory out as the first thing which comes to my mind when you mention PTSD and stealing. I could be totally off base. But if it is the same, you should be able to find a whole host of resources on dealing with hoarding/obsessive tendencies.

 

Alternatively, this may have nothing to do with hoarding whatsoever and could just be a stealing problem, in which case all I can offer are hugs :grouphug: I hope someone with more knowledge than me has a suggestion

I don't have any experience but I was kind of thinking along these lines. At 4 kids can be kind of fuzzy about ownership, so it's probably more about having things than taking someone else's.

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I don't have any experience but I was kind of thinking along these lines. At 4 kids can be kind of fuzzy about ownership, so it's probably more about having things than taking someone else's.

I am pretty sure it is not hording, and it is not to get coveted items. It is the sophisticated stealing process that is the worry. He is not a typical 4 year old and cannot be viewed in the same way. Not that I am saying he is a criminal , but he has had extreme trauma and that results in a child who is not the same as an average 4 year old and cannot be treated the same way. 

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I am pretty sure it is not hording, and it is not to get coveted items. It is the sophisticated stealing process that is the worry. He is not a typical 4 year old and cannot be viewed in the same way. Not that I am saying he is a criminal , but he has had extreme trauma and that results in a child who is not the same as an average 4 year old and cannot be treated the same way. 

 

I did not have foster children who stole, so maybe this is off base. (I had foster children with major issues including attachment disorder, but stealing wasn't one of them.)  But my inclination at age 4 would be to not make a big issue of it. Just matter-of-factly put things back or return to owner. The child has a "hole in his bucket"  yet he is trying to fill the bucket  A wise supervisor of mine once said, "You can't get enough of what you don't need." The child has a need, but he's trying to fill it with stuff that will never fill it. He can't get enough.

 

I think the job of foster/adoptive parents is to doggedly build up the patch on the bottom of the bucket, which you do as you provide love and security. Sometimes the security can include providing consequences, but I just don't know if stealing needs to be followed by consequences at that age given the trauma. In fact, I might take the stealing as a cue to provide more love (if the child can accept love) and security. I know that sounds backwards. But I have found over the years that providing what a child needs does not increase misbehavior directed at trying to meet needs in an ineffective way. It enables them to let go of the ineffective strategy. In other words, I doubt there would be more stealing. I am guessing that it would decrease.

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