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Congrats. How are they doing?

Not so great the last 2 weeks, overall slow and steady. According to case managers we are getting exceptional results, but to us in the trenches it is not so fast. It is HARD Work and DH and I feel that our inner harmony is destroyed.

 

 I had no idea how severe trauma affects every aspect of life. :crying:

 

They are enrolled for Kinder ( preschool) for next year 2 days a week. They will be fully aided with an integration aid for their behaviour. Birth parents still have legal rights over education until the permanent care order comes through . It will happen after they have been 2 years in our care. then we will get guardianship etc.

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Not so great the last 2 weeks, overall slow and steady. According to case managers we are getting exceptional results, but to us in the trenches it is not so fast. It is HARD Work and DH and I feel that our inner harmony is destroyed.

 

 I had no idea how severe trauma affects every aspect of life. :crying:

 

They are enrolled for Kinder ( preschool) for next year 2 days a week. They will be fully aided with an integration aid for their behaviour. Birth parents still have legal rights over education until the permanent care order comes through . It will happen after they have been 2 years in our care. then we will get guardianship etc.

 

I am always amazed to see the strength people have to live this on a daily basis.  Congratulations to your whole family on your anniversary!

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Thanks for the update. Adoption and work with these kids is a marathon, crawling in your knees through mud uphill at times. It is hard to see the progress when you are in the trenches.

 

I would encourage some self care for you and dh. For a few years I feel that dh and I lost that connection. We weren't having any problems but we became more like roommates than husband and wife.

 

Check out this link for a book written by my friend that can be read to the twins. The link has a video clip and then of you scroll down it has the complete text of the book. If it looks good to you, I will send you a copy, yes to Australia, once it publishes.

Here's the link: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1367769515/as-real-as-it-gets-a-picture-book-for-older-adopte

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Thanks for the update. Adoption and work with these kids is a marathon, crawling in your knees through mud uphill at times. It is hard to see the progress when you are in the trenches.

 

I would encourage some self care for you and dh. For a few years I feel that dh and I lost that connection. We weren't having any problems but we became more like roommates than husband and wife.

 

Check out this link for a book written by my friend that can be read to the twins. The link has a video clip and then of you scroll down it has the complete text of the book. If it looks good to you, I will send you a copy, yes to Australia, once it publishes.

Here's the link: https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/1367769515/as-real-as-it-gets-a-picture-book-for-older-adopte

Thank you so much, that would be wonderful

 

:001_wub:

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I am always amazed to see the strength people have to live this on a daily basis. Congratulations to your whole family on your anniversary!

:iagree:

 

Melissa, you are so strong with sheer grit and perseverence. I commend you and your family for giving these two little souls a chance at a better life.

 

Happy Anniversary to you all. Celebrating all the little wins with you!

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A year already? :grouphug:  and blessings on all of the love and stability you sow into them every day. A family in our co-op fostered 3 young sibs, hoping to adopt and they were there for a year. I was so glad our co-op flexed to accommodate the family and kids. They were precious and we all miss them and now they have many families praying for them! Last year, they foster adopted a little girl and we were so excited to walk through that process with her. Standing O to you and your family for opening your home and hearts to these little ones. 

 

Lisa

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BTW, my friends who have "normal" twins, feel similarly WRT their family relationships. Two IS hard. You do have so much work to be done. I can imagine with special challenges it must be even more taxing. Will socialservices give you a regular respite caregiver?

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Congrats on making it a year! I usually end up crying whenever I see your posts about the twins. As a childhood trauma survivor myself, I 'get' a lot of the stuff you've said about them.... it's a hard path, but it can be very rewarding in the end, for everyone. They are so very lucky to have you. 

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My dh and I came very close to foster adopting, but life threw us some curveballs, so we didn't pursue being foster parents. I now know that I probably wasn't the right one for it. Why? Because I was born in to an abusive family, and I married into one with difficult relatives, and years later, I can see the devestating emotional damage a few people have caused the parents, spouses, children and siblings.

 

I would never have wanted to voluntarily bring someone into the family who was already inflicting their own abuse as a child. It damages the parents, and the siblings. I'm not talking about normal, childish and difficult behavior. I'm talking about down right mean, nasty and abusive.

 

I don't know what's going on with the twins in your care, but It sounds like emotional damage is already happening in your family. If they left your care, and you all needed therapy in order to recover and heal, that's probably a sign that it's a damaging, even abusive, situation.

 

I may be totally off on my comments, but I just wanted to be the one person who waved and encouraged you to take stock of the situation from another perspective. Even though a placement disruption is hard on the child, you have to really step back and ask, "Is this working for everyone in the family?" Not just asking, "Is this working for them?"

 

Sometimes you allow yourself to be hurt, and 'damaged' to save someone else, especially a child. Some people accept 'abuse' or abusive behaviours in order to help, protect, and save. I'm sure grateful for the people who pushed past my 'abusive' behaviours while I was healing from trauma. I owe those people everything. 

 

She is here celebrating a year of placement, and you're saying maybe she should quit?? I'm not sure why you would consider this an appropriate time or place. 

 

You don't get to pick and choose which foster kids are worth your time and effort. Once you agree to take them in, barring danger to other children a lot of it IS about them. Sending those twins away now, given the progress made and trust established, and their ages, to my understanding would basically destroy any chance they have of another successful placement. And what do you suggest happens to the child? Give it to another family for the same thing to happen since you believe the child is abusive, and that the next family should also give it up? Or are you suggesting this type of child doesn't deserve a family.

 

It sounds like it's a good thing you didn't end up going into foster adoption. Not everyone is cut out for it. 

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BTW, my friends who have "normal" twins, feel similarly WRT their family relationships. Two IS hard. You do have so much work to be done. I can imagine with special challenges it must be even more taxing. Will socialservices give you a regular respite caregiver?

no respite caregiver but they have just started to give me 2 hours a week housecleaning. :hurray:  The idea not to have respite caregiver is to not add in more people in a caring role to try and help with bonding

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 Thank you everybody for your support

 

 The progress really has been amazing.

 

 twin 2 use to scream for 4 hours a day - now he begins to scream and then remembers he can talk instead

 

twin 1 use to self harm at the littlest frustration. now he has developed some problem solving skills and only self harms when he is extremely distressed

 

one is  now toilet trained completely and the other fully daytime trained

 

 both can now talk in sentences and can converse

 

 they are only 1 1/2 years behind in all development areas instead of 2 1/2 years behind

 

these are amazing progresses

 

 the boys are way calmer

 

we have some great therapists (OT, Speech, Psychologist) that are very supportive

 

I should reflect on the positives a little more and see how far we have come

 

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Melissa, i honor you for pouring so much into those two little boys. Congratulations on reaching a year.

 

I remember when my brother and his wife fostered two boys. I had an opportunity to visit them (in another state) after they had had the boys for aboyt a year. I was totally amazed at how well my SIL managed those boys. It was like watching the most exemplary parent I have ever experienced. The boys did not remain with them due to issues with the birth family. I hope and like to think that that period of time was an investment, a seed planted, giving those boys a chance at a fulfilling and "normal" life.

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