"Butting out" vs. "getting involved"

[AimeeM]

Last night I stopped by the gas station around 8pm. I was on my way from the "old house" back to the "new house" (we're in the middle of a move).

This particular gas station is one in the neighborhood of our "old house" - I know the owners and I frequent it whenever I can because I like to use locally owned businesses when I'm able to do so.

Across from this gas station is a certain motel that the city has been trying to close down for years. It's in an area that has been renovated and is an otherwise wonderful area - but this motel has a terrible reputation for crime and is known for it's accessibility to the "pay by the hour" crowd (kwim?).

So I paid for my gas inside and chatted with the owner for a second. Came out to pump my gas. From my pump I have a clear line of vision into one of the motel rooms - the blinds were pulled and the light was on. 

Man and woman were fighting. With their hands. I looked on for a couple of solid minutes just to make sure that they weren't simply "talking with their hands" and/or excitedly motioning. I saw a physical altercation.

Now, this is the 21st century and I realize that people have... different strokes regarding the things they do in their bedrooms. I locked the car, went inside the gas station, told the owner of the station, and it happened that the owner of the motel was standing there chatting with the gas station owner. He (motel owner) went immediately to the motel room to check on things. 

I stood safely outside, by my car, with the gas station owner in case the motel owner or the police needed to speak with me.

My children were safely locked in the car (DD14, DS6, and DS3) and I was standing directly beside my car.

 

My husband calls our daughter's cell - RIGHT THEN :p

My cell was at home charging. 

My husband tells me to stop sticking my nose into things and to get myself home safely - now. I tell him that I'm waiting to make sure nobody needs to speak with me.

I see his side - he doesn't like it when I become involved in situations he considers unsafe.

I'm not going to deny that I sometimes do put myself in situations that could become unsafe - but I *will* say that the situations are ones where there is a clear need and I try to be as safe as I possibly can. I never involve my children in situations that are unsafe - in this case they were with me and I made sure they were safe while I spoke with those necessary.

For example, in this case, I went and sought help from a trusted friend who was on site. I didn't go knocking at the motel room door myself. I made sure my children were completely safe and I reported an incident.

My husband says that I should have just called the police from the cell phone, on my way home, and left immediately... but while I could see the lit-up room from my gas pump, I could NOT see the motel room number. How exactly would I have reported it? "Yes Officer - I witnessed a physical altercation in a motel room facing pump 2." (which would apply to at least a half dozen of the motel rooms)

 

There are certain times when I understand DH's concerns and do not become as involved as I'd like. When I learned that a family, with children, was staying at the motel long-term (iow, they were living there) and that the gas station owner was allowing the children to run a line of credit with him for food and beverages, I wanted to take the family meals. I understood when DH said "no" - and he was right; a better course of action, a safer "for me" course of action, would have been to simply give the trusted station owner money to apply to the family's line of credit and ask him to help guide them to options in the station that would fill them a bit more than soda pop... or to aid the station owner in calling family services if he became more concerned about the children (station owner speaks limited English). 

 

But when I see an immediate danger, I can't make myself "butt out". Fists flying? I'm not going to NOT report it to somebody in a way that makes it possible for SOMEBODY to make sure the parties involved are safe. In this case, calling the police and high-tailing it out of there wasn't an option - I couldn't have made a report with enough specifics to allow the police to check on the situation.

 

DH is a kind man who enjoys helping when he can. He's not a mean or unkind person (at all) - we simply differ in the way we help others and he isn't always fond of my "personal" approach. For example, he's the first person on board when I ask if we can put a befriended homeless man up for a few nights in a motel while the weather is bad... and he didn't mind when I took the same man meals when he lived behind the gas station... but he did NOT like it when I started taking the man's meals to the motel, because he felt that the measure of safety I had at the gas station (with people I know) was gone once I started doing the same thing in a different location.

[AimeeM]

I think you assessed the situation just fine. You and your children were safe, someone else was notified and investigated. 

 

I do think in helping situations, it's wise for a parent of dependent children to err on the side of safety. 

Absolutely.

If the fight were happening on site of the gas station? I would have high-tailed it out of there, with children in tow, and called the police. 

If I had noticed a gun or weapon in even this case, where the altercation was happening in a different building, I would have high-tailed it out of there (because guns can reach a distance fists can't) and called the police - or at least driven my children to a different location and then went back. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Butting in would have been you running over to the motel room and charging in there with fists flying.  Being a concerned and responsible citizen is doing what you did, which was totally safe from my perspective.  

[Guest]

You were fine and that's not butting in.

[OneStepAtATime]

I think you did the right thing.

[Kiara.I]

I think what you did was fine.

I think your DH is being over-concerned.

 

While I understand his concern for you, I think that waiting at the gas station where you had another person with you was not "dangerous", any more than stopping there in the first place would have been.

 

I actually feel sad that your DH is trying to shame and bully you out of helping.  :(

[abba12]

People who butt out and turn a blind eye are the reason people like me are able to remain under abuse for a long time. I know there are times people saw things through windows or heard things through walls when I was a teen (not parents). I wish one of them had 'butted in' and perhaps at least given me hope someone cared if nothing else. 

 

If this was the consensual kind of bedroom rough-housing, the blinds would have been drawn. Such people are very aware of the risks of being confused for abusive situations. 

 

Thank you for stepping in and caring enough to alert someone. Maybe nothing will change, maybe she wont care. Or maybe having someone knock on the door and intervene will make an impact, and show her someone noticed her for once. I still remember people who did very small things for me, like what you did, who's names I don't even know but who made quite an impact on me and kept me believing I was worth something. 

[SKL]

The only thing I might have done differently is, I might have driven away once the hotel owner headed over there to deal with it.  If I thought an additional eyewitness was needed, I might have asked the gas station person to come stand by Pump 2 and look.  I'm not sure why my personal eyewitness testimony would make a difference.  And domestic violence arrests tend to bring out the worst in people.  I think I'd rather the accused not know who tipped off the manager.

[Carrie12345]

I think more people need to get "involved" without putting themselves in harm's way, which seems to be the case.  I am a little more cautious with kids in the car, so I may have chosen to leave my contact information with the station owner instead of waiting.

 

Not having your cell phone on you, and the motel owner being in the gas station, I realize you couldn't have done much different without a whole other issue, but calling the police directly sounds like a much better idea.  A motel owner going to "check things out" puts himself in danger, but it may also reduce the chance of any action being taken.  He has serious motivation to keep the police away.  

 

 

[marbel]

I don't think you were butting in and I think you did the right thing by reporting the situation. I would have liked to see the police called too but maybe the motel owner did that.  And at that point, I probably would have left, giving my phone number to the station owner in case the police needed to talk to you.  As a pp said, DV situations can become very dangerous very quickly.

 

As for your husband, obviously not knowing him or hearing his tone of voice to you, I just assume he was concerned for the safety of his family. Not being there, he doesn't know what's going on.  For all he knows once the motel owner knocks on the door someone will come out of the room, guns blazing.   The fact that you didn't see a gun from across the street means nothing as far as that goes.  To me, it reads like your husband just wants his family to be safe.  I don't see how that is bullying or shaming.

[Guest]

You did fine. I would not be happy with Dh telling me to butt out and get myself home. I'm a big girl, and I have no need for protection.

[AimeeM]

I don't think you were butting in and I think you did the right thing by reporting the situation. I would have liked to see the police called too but maybe the motel owner did that.  And at that point, I probably would have left, giving my phone number to the station owner in case the police needed to talk to you.  As a pp said, DV situations can become very dangerous very quickly.

 

As for your husband, obviously not knowing him or hearing his tone of voice to you, I just assume he was concerned for the safety of his family. Not being there, he doesn't know what's going on.  For all he knows once the motel owner knocks on the door someone will come out of the room, guns blazing.   The fact that you didn't see a gun from across the street means nothing as far as that goes.  To me, it reads like your husband just wants his family to be safe.  I don't see how that is bullying or shaming.

I don't consider it bullying or shaming either, and since I'm pretty intimately knowledgeable regarding how he reacts and what he means by it, I hope everyone in this thread will take my word on that he would never shame or bully me about anything - ever.

[AimeeM]

You did fine. I would not be happy with Dh telling me to butt out and get myself home. I'm a big girl, and I have no need for protection.

We have a bit different of a dynamic, I think :)

[brehon]

You were fine and certainly not in any more danger than could ordinarily be present while pumping gas. I'm sure your dh had your and your kids' safety in mind which prompted his reaction.

[marbel]

I don't consider it bullying or shaming either, and since I'm pretty intimately knowledgeable regarding how he reacts and what he means by it, I hope everyone in this thread will take my word on that he would never shame or bully me about anything - ever.

 

Yeah, I was responding to a different comment on that part, not to your OP. 

 

[sassenach]

I would have called the police, rather than involving a random stranger. I also would not have stuck around. I can simpathize with your dh. I wouldn't want my car full of kids sitting in the parking lot of a potentially violent situation.

 

When you report the situation to authorities, they take your info so they can call you for further information. They also are better equipped to actually help in a domestic violence situation. Involving the attendant put him in a potentially dangerous situation.

 

So to answer your question, I think you were right for getting involved, but wrong in the way you went about it.

[Kiara.I]

I don't consider it bullying or shaming either, and since I'm pretty intimately knowledgeable regarding how he reacts and what he means by it, I hope everyone in this thread will take my word on that he would never shame or bully me about anything - ever.

 

Glad to hear it.

 

In my marriage, I would be less than pleased to have my husband assume that my decision to help a stranger was inappropriate. Since he WASN'T there, I would expect him to assume that I was:

1) Taking care of the children appropriately

2) Making wise decisions balancing our safety and the moral obligation to step in and help others, and

3) Doing a good thing BY trying to prevent abuse.

 

It didn't sound, from your post, like your husband gave you the benefit of the doubt.

[AimeeM]

Glad to hear it.

 

In my marriage, I would be less than pleased to have my husband assume that my decision to help a stranger was inappropriate. Since he WASN'T there, I would expect him to assume that I was:

1) Taking care of the children appropriately

2) Making wise decisions balancing our safety and the moral obligation to step in and help others, and

3) Doing a good thing BY trying to prevent abuse.

 

It didn't sound, from your post, like your husband gave you the benefit of the doubt.

 

Our marriage works a bit differently, I think. 

 

DH wishes that I would assess situations more thoroughly than I do, prior to jumping in.

I'm okay admitting that he's absolutely right.

I have a habit of acting first, thinking second, which has put me in predicaments before. It's something I need to work on and I do not think his panic was without warrant.

I was upset with him last night - but not because I thought he shamed me or bullied me (that thought never crossed my mind); I was upset because we have different ways of dealing with situations and, if I'm completely frank (which I can be TODAY), because I scared him (again).

[creekland]

I think you did fine or you could have called the police depending upon the intensity and certainty of what you saw.  I'd have made that decision based upon how well the motel owner knew the participants I think, but that's just a guess after the fact.

 

Hubby would never have told me what to do.  He knows better.  Had he tried, we'd have had a fight about it.  I trust his judgment and he trusts mine.  If we end up not being sure we're right about our choices, then we have a discussion about possibilities to consider if something like it comes up another time.  It's a discussion/brainstorming session where both of us (and any teen kids) have input that is considered.

[zoobie]

Our marriage works a bit differently, I think.

 

DH wishes that I would assess situations more thoroughly than I do, prior to jumping in.

I'm okay admitting that he's absolutely right.

I have a habit of acting first, thinking second, which has put me in predicaments before. It's something I need to work on and I do not think his panic was without warrant.

I was upset with him last night - but not because I thought he shamed me or bullied me (that thought never crossed my mind); I was upset because we have different ways of dealing with situations and, if I'm completely frank (which I can be TODAY), because I scared him (again).

I think what you did was fine. I probably would've left after the hotel owner took care of it. If he's a friend, he knows how to contact me if the police needed to speak with me.

 

I also hear your husband reacting out of fear/anxiety AND it being translated both directions by your DD. My oldest is 12 and has a flair for the dramatic, so I'm sure if she were relating events, it would be much MORE EXCITING than "Mom is talking to a guy inside the gas station."

 

If your marriage is like mine, both of us at times tell the other what to do and that the other is crazy. ;) There's not a power differential, which is where abuse tends to happen IMO.

[texasmama]

I would have done what you did.  

 

 

[Spryte]

Aimee, I'd have handled it the same way. You did fine. And hopefully the situation didn't escalate to the level it might have, because of your intervention. You may have saved a life.

 

(I edited to make myself more clear.)