Pls help me deal with my emotion

[Ummto4]

** Don't quote me, please. I may delete this later. **

 

Let me preface this by saying that I am, by nature,not an emotional woman. Friends complemented me for my patience and contentment.  I"m v. laid back, and I never feel too sad or too happy. My mom is like that too; v. level headed. In short, it's in our genes .. :)

 

The only people who can cause me stronger emotional responses (anger, sadness, happiness, anxiety) are my children and my husband, with my husband at the top of the chart. Around 6 months ago, we rekindled our love which had been more or less stale since I had my first baby (13 years ago). During those 'stale' years, we remained respectful, rarely argued, and did our best in our roles as mother and father. I still loved him and felt v. comfortable with him and our marriage was still a good enough marriage. However, my feeling for him was flat with small dips and peaks.

 

After rekindling our love, I discover the level of happiness and love which are higher than usual (i.e. higher peak). I start to dress up for him, make an effort to make his favorite cake (although I still fail at that -- it's that complicated), etc. So, I show much more attention than usual. But with that, comes deeper trough. It increases my expectation of him - expectation to spend time with me, to be held, etc. When hurt and disappointed, I feel it more. Hubby said that he prefers what we have now because he loves me more (same as me) and feels v. close to me (same as me). 

 

Since this level of emotion is new to me, I sometimes feel v. uncomfortable.

 

Now, there's something which makes me v. uncomfortable this past 6 months and causes me to have anxiety, anger, and disappointment more than I would like. HOpe you can help with this.

 

Around 7 months ago, our ethnic group/community bought a building (w/ land) which is now functioning as our community center plus place of worship. This center is v. close to our home -- only 7 mins drive. Before we have this center, the community had to borrow a place approx 30 mins from our home.  PErsonally I think our community doesn't need to buy a center like that, but most people support that effort. With the purchase of this new facility, there's a 'pressure' to contribute more, e.g. to clean, build/DIY, and attend more events.

 

Our community is full of extroverts  - people sometimes spend a night there on weekends (camping in our 5 acre land), socialize and cook togehter from morning till afternoon, etc. Because it also has a mosque, then religious activities including 5 daily prayers are also held there.

 

I resent this because before we buy the building + land, the level of activities is just 'right' for us. Because the previous facility is 30 min away, we attend what we want to attend, and we pick activity  we want to volunteer. But now that the activity level increases and there's a 'pressure' to participate (although unsaid), I grow to resent this center.  I am an introvert, and I don't like socializing too much.  I also think it takes away family time and his time with me. HIs time with me is  now important for me (much more than before) because we rekindle our love and I don't want to lose it, and now I have a need to spend time with him much more than before. Before, becaise of our small kids, this private time was neglected and we're not intentional about that at all. Hence my flat feeling to him.

 

I talked to my mom about this (with hubby's permission) to get other perspective. She has the same opinion as me, so I think I'm not an unreasonable woman. My mom offered two suggestion, i.e. more family and spouse time quantitatively and qualitatively, and make an agreed schedule for 'visiting' the center.I told this to hubby and he was willing to tone down his attendance. We don't make schedule because I don't want to restrict him (KWIM?). So, he does tone down, but still not to the previous level.  He thought that he's already toned down to the previous level, but I don't see it the same way.I suspect there's a peer pressure going on as well - something to do with conformity. But to his credit, he also tried to give more quality time with me (privately) and family and refused to be a committee member. I really appreciate this because our friend was v. persistent .. :). 

 

I still miss our old way though. This center gives me anxiety and causes anger. I tried to control my feeling, but it has been 6 months, and I still feel threatened - as if that center is the 'other woman'. Everytime an email comes through announcing something from that center, my heart beats faster and I become anxious. After hubby assures me and tones down his activity, this gets better. But I'm still uncomfortable. I've tried to reframe my thoughts and appreciate my husband more for his effort to accommodate my feeling ( He's an introvert anyway, so it's not in his nature to socialize a lot -->  So I don't think he minds that much accommodating me).

 

I never have this kidn of feeling before. I feel like a bad person. I feel like a possessive, selfish wife, and I don't like this feeling. There's nobody I can talk to here because my good friends are even more active and extrovert than me.

 

What should I do, short of moving out of the area ? I quite like the area I'm in although for hubby it's a 45 min commute door to door. IOnce I even persuaded hubby to move out of the area to be closer to his place of work, but that area is more expensive. I think I'm losing my mind, because I suggest such a ridiculous and expensive idea. Never happened to me before. I was always level headed.

 

Any thoughts ?

 

TIA.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[ktgrok]

Can you attend things together, even if as an introvert that is hard for you? It may be that you are imagining that he is having this great wonderful time there without you, and you get jealous, when in actuality it's boring and makes him even happier to see you when you get home. That has happened to me MANY times, lol. But, I don't know if that is possible with these kinds of activities. 

 

Also, could you speak with someone at the Mosque for counseling on this?

[TammyS]

You just got your husband "back", so to speak and you are, maybe, feeling like you want his time a little bit more than you should (maybe).  And the center is new and you are feeling like it is taking too much time (maybe).

 

I suggest this, to take pressure off of making a decision about each new thing having to do with the center, but also to take pressure off of each decision feeling like you are "stuck" with it"

 

Sit down with your husband and the two of you agree that the center is going to get X number of days from your family per month (it can be however many days you and hubby agree one, doesn't matter).  And also agree that you will try this out for 3 months, and that you will then re-evaluate (at which time you can add or subtract days, if you wish), so that if you end up disliking the situation, you know you aren't stuck with it.  Now, when news of events/activities comes in, you don't have to feel anxious, like "here's one more thing to take time from my family".  You can just look at how many days you have budgeted for that month and see if there are any left.  Also, when you turn things down, don't feel like you need to explain.  A simple, "sorry, we can't" is more than sufficient.  Explanations just invite people to work on you about it.

[City Mouse]

Although not religious in nature, my DH is envolved in a couple of outside activities that will take as much time as he will give, so I understand what what you are taking about.

Instead of restricting the time is spends at the religious center, can you make up a schedule of when you want to spend time with him or want to be family time? That way you are not telling him how much time he can or can't spend at the centre, but you are telling him the amount of time you need for him. Also, I have found that my DH does not do well just "hanging out", but he is great if I have a schedule of things I want to do what ever it Maybe cleaning, shopping, watching a movie, or even just going out to eat. If I do t tell him what I want, he will find something to do to fill his time.

The other thing I do is find things to do alone or with the kids that I will enjoy without him. I tell him what we have planned and let him know and invite him to participate. Usually he will choose to go with us, but ocasionally he will be busy. Either way, I have something to enjoy.

I doubt that moving will make a difference. While this did not have any impact on our decision to move, I was hoping that our move to a new town would cut back on my DH's outside activities. Well, I was wrong, he just found other things in the new place to occupy his time. I realized that it is up to me to be very specific about what I need from him.

[Ummto4]

Can you attend things together, even if as an introvert that is hard for you? It may be that you are imagining that he is having this great wonderful time there without you, and you get jealous, when in actuality it's boring and makes him even happier to see you when you get home. That has happened to me MANY times, lol. But, I don't know if that is possible with these kinds of activities. 

 

Also, could you speak with someone at the Mosque for counseling on this?

 

Yes, we attend most things together. He prefers me to go with him anyway.  But I don't want to go to that many (KWIM?). It's getting better now that he doesn't try to participate almost every single one. Actually when I was angry, I threatened to stop going ever - and he has to bring the kids. I don't want to be home alone with kiddos after homeschooling them at day time. That's how he knows that I'm serious. Sometimes, when he attends for example recitation class, I would go to the gym.

 

For daily prayers -- he sometimes attend the night and early morning ones. I requested him to go to other mosque because he can finish more quickly. In this center, after the prayer there's short lecture, or even just talking to people. Ever since this center opens, he almost goes everynight/morning for prayer. He's never like that before. Everytime, it takes 45 mins-1 hr. If he goes to other mosque, it's 30 mins each time. He agrees to tone down to just 2-3 nights and 2-3 morning a week, but he wants to do them in that center. So you see, I offer him alternatives -- it's not like I'm saying -- no, you can't go to the mosque. I would feel bad that way, right ? I already feel bad now ...:(

 

And no, there's no imam at that mosque. No counseling at all, and even if there's ... I won't go.

 

[Ummto4]

You just got your husband "back", so to speak and you are, maybe, feeling like you want his time a little bit more than you should (maybe).  And the center is new and you are feeling like it is taking too much time (maybe).

 

I suggest this, to take pressure off of making a decision about each new thing having to do with the center, but also to take pressure off of each decision feeling like you are "stuck" with it"

 

Sit down with your husband and the two of you agree that the center is going to get X number of days from your family per month (it can be however many days you and hubby agree one, doesn't matter).  And also agree that you will try this out for 3 months, and that you will then re-evaluate (at which time you can add or subtract days, if you wish), so that if you end up disliking the situation, you know you aren't stuck with it.  Now, when news of events/activities comes in, you don't have to feel anxious, like "here's one more thing to take time from my family".  You can just look at how many days you have budgeted for that month and see if there are any left.  Also, when you turn things down, don't feel like you need to explain.  A simple, "sorry, we can't" is more than sufficient.  Explanations just invite people to work on you about it.

Thanks .. I thought of that too. My mom even suggested a schedule. But I thought it'll be too restrictive for him. I feel bad doing that. But seeing that you also suggest that, then that must be okay, right ?

[Ummto4]

Although not religious in nature, my DH is envolved in a couple of outside activities that will take as much time as he will give, so I understand what what you are taking about.

Instead of restricting the time is spends at the religious center, can you make up a schedule of when you want to spend time with him or want to be family time? That way you are not telling him how much time he can or can't spend at the centre, but you are telling him the amount of time you need for him. Also, I have found that my DH does not do well just "hanging out", but he is great if I have a schedule of things I want to do what ever it Maybe cleaning, shopping, watching a movie, or even just going out to eat. If I do t tell him what I want, he will find something to do to fill his time.

The other thing I do is find things to do alone or with the kids that I will enjoy without him. I tell him what we have planned and let him know and invite him to participate. Usually he will choose to go with us, but ocasionally he will be busy. Either way, I have something to enjoy.

I doubt that moving will make a difference. While this did not have any impact on our decision to move, I was hoping that our move to a new town would cut back on my DH's outside activities. Well, I was wrong, he just found other things in the new place to occupy his time. I realized that it is up to me to be very specific about what I need from him.

 

I tried this too, but it's too exhausting for me to always plan activities. My hubby's nature is not like your husband's though. We've been married for 16 years, and we've had several moves - from UK, to US, and to several areas. He's an introvert and is content to be at home. He's not social butterfly at all. This center -- he feels he has a duty to be supportive because it's community based, plus I suspect - peer pressure. Even in the past, before this center was built, we're already volunteering and participating in the community, but it's not to this level. So I think this is all connected to that new center.

 

May be after a while, the newness will fade and everybody got tired ...:). I don't know.

 

[Anne]

"planning activities" doesn't have to mean a big deal - it can be as simple as, "let's watch a movie after dinner" or "how about a game night" or even "shall we have popcorn or chips for our evening snack together?" The idea being that you're planning to spend time together...

 

Anne

[Anne in CA]

This sort of pressure can happen in any type of church. Your dh sounds like he is doing his best, and when he is gone try to think about how you can get alone time in for your own self, so that you are more fueled up to be with him when he is back. I do sympathize with you, because the pressure on doers is real. You are right. The people pressuring him would want him to give full time if they could, and they would never worry that he wasn't spending time with you or the kids. Your dh should put the guilt back on them explaining that his kids are only young once, and he needs to be with them, and you. Every sales pitch has what is a called a "spin", where you shift the emotion onto the other person. When your dh learns to "spin" back to the person attempting to guilt him, it will get better.

[Ummto4]

"planning activities" doesn't have to mean a big deal - it can be as simple as, "let's watch a movie after dinner" or "how about a game night" or even "shall we have popcorn or chips for our evening snack together?" The idea being that you're planning to spend time together...

 

Anne

 

Yes, I do this all the time now ... I feel manipulative though. I never do this before, as in never intentionally plan things like that in this intensity for a certain purpose other than having a family time. I feel guilty sometimes.

 

[Ummto4]

This sort of pressure can happen in any type of church. Your dh sounds like he is doing his best, and when he is gone try to think about how you can get alone time in for your own self, so that you are more fueled up to be with him when he is back. I do sympathize with you, because the pressure on doers is real. You are right. The people pressuring him would want him to give full time if they could, and they would never worry that he wasn't spending time with you or the kids. Your dh should put the guilt back on them explaining that his kids are only young once, and he needs to be with them, and you. Every sales pitch has what is a called a "spin", where you shift the emotion onto the other person. When your dh learns to "spin" back to the person attempting to guilt him, it will get better.

 

To his credit, he refused to be a committee member. But yes, tehre's pressure to attend/participate.

[TammyS]

Thanks .. I thought of that too. My mom even suggested a schedule. But I thought it'll be too restrictive for him. I feel bad doing that. But seeing that you also suggest that, then that must be okay, right ?

 

The idea behind the schedule is that you BOTH agree to it.  It would be too restrictive, if you said, "you can go once per week and that's it", but not because of the amount of time, but because you're not his mother.  You need to come up with something that you both agree to try for a period of time AND agree to evaluate it after that period of time.

[Anne]

It's not manipulative to be intentional and purposeful about spending time together.

 

My kids are grown and flown, so it's just me and dh at the house. So you would think that we would always be spending great time together. But the reality is that unless we are intentional about planning stuff, our evenings are spent doing chores or individual projects - nothing wrong with that at all, but it's way too easy to let our time get away and have no real time together.

 

Anne