A month of bullying. Isn't that enough?

[shawthorne44]

...Then at pickup ds said loudly, "Today was a good day. ____ didn't hit me!"...

 

This breaks my heart.  THIS is what defines his school situation.  

[thescrappyhomeschooler]

How often in the "real world" does your husband get punched in the stomach?

 

Then if he reports to his boss the boss goes "Oh. Too bad. Maybe we should move your desk away from the person who assaulted you?"

 

And the policeman goes "Um...well, his dad is somebody important so....."

 

 

Yes!  Exactly.  Where else in the "real world" do people put up with being physically assaulted on a regular basis and that is considered okay?  It's not okay at all. 

 

When my husband didn't agree with me on homeschooling, I pointed out that I didn't agree with him on public schooling, so we were at an impasse.  Why should my opinion count for less than his?  That approach changed his mind.

[LucyStoner]

I agree with this but unfortunately I think the way public schools operate is that they cannot move the bully unless his parents agree. I had my kid moved from one class due to a bully and this is what I was told. My kid was not thrilled but it was the only solution besides homeschooling. I don't regret moving him since I did not want him to spend another minute in that class with the bully. I would have homeschooled but my kid liked the other aspects of the school so I felt it was worth trying to move him.

In my niece's case, I think the school was intimidated by my younger brother (who is a fierce SAHD and PTA volunteer of the year with plenty of time on his hands to figure out how to get his child's needs met) and they told the bully's mom and dad that they could choose between the class change and more severe disciplinary action.

[WinsomeCreek]

Quark, Your support means a lot to me. You know some of the road we have been down.

[WinsomeCreek]

Hearing what others have gone through has given me strength and conviction in this process to insist that this is wrong. I am relieved that I didn't go in more aggressively though. I know more of the background on the other child now. It is so tragic and heart wrenching. I obviously cannot share the information, but I completely see why he is being protected. He needs the school and the adults more than we do. Much more. I don't see the situation changing for ds unless I get deeply involved at school and help the other child at the same time. A couple of years ago I would have done that. I don't have it in me at this time. Ds wouldn't understand either. I don't know, maybe he would. Throughout all of this the teacher and principal have not said much. I still don't have much of a rapport with either or sense of either of their roles. With what I know now I'm guessing they do work daily with the family. I imagine they're both in a tough spot. The bully is probably still going to be hurting other kids, but only because he needs so, so much.

 

Monday will be our first day homeschooling again! Yesterday - the day after the weird cupcakes for the birthday that wasn't his birthday- the other child was absent. Ds was so relaxed and happy that the contrast to his demeanor of the rest of the days was stark. With time and support the other boy may get the help he needs and the problems could go away. Ds may return to school next semester if that happens. For now he said he is happy to homeschool because "I get to learn something and be safe." In truth, the school isn't really set up for 2e kids. He's completely bored at school, not learning much that is new, but also not able to stay on task to finish work or score above proficient on his homework. 

 

Dh is on board and supportive. He can be old skool at times, but despite his initial objections, talking revealed that his true concerns were for my health and welfare. Ds is high energy all the time! I will have to work hard to make sure he has activities and stimulation. 

 

After a decade on WTM forums, I thought this was my going away year. But I'm back.  :001_cool:  (not that anyone would notice a 300something post count old timer-mostly lurker gone) I have no idea what to use or how I will teach this guy.

 

I decided to be an outspoken advocate for having leaving school as an option. I can't believe how many people, psychologists included, are trapped in a mindset of sticking it out. Our psychologist worked with ds on problem solving, but she kept trying to lead to a solution of avoidance. She finally asked ds point blank if he would rather just give the bully his way and be safe, which was her solution to the problem, or get hit. Ds said quietly that he'd rather get hit. The psychologist was taken aback, but I stepped in and backed up ds. If his personal integrity is why he was hit then I'd rather he keeps his integrity than stay at school. She even tried to get us to promise to stay at school for a month and have ds find other places to play, avoiding the kid (not exactly easy due to the particular group dynamics). I agreed to 2 weeks under pressure. Maybe we'll drop the psychologist and have the money to spend on school materials instead.  :001_tt2:

 

[Alessandra]

Sounds like bully is well connected politically.

All school districts in my state have a written discipline code to follow. Does yours? I removed my child from recess for a week so that the principal could follow the code -- after warnings comes conferring with the family -- and retrain the aides.The family was not happy, but the principal made it clear that the code had to be followed, unless they wanted to go to court. The child did receive counseling at school for whatever was driving his emotions. People here would go to the BOE and demand your bully have a 1:1 aide until he learns to behave at school, and they would engage a lawyer and recoup their medical expenses.

I am in state next to Heigh Ho and our state has very strict anti-bullying laws. Each district and school by law has an anti-bullying coordinator. There is a brief time frame, 24 hours, I think, for school to begin investigating after a report. And strict procedures on down the line. Bullying incidents are in Board minutes and also have to be included in regular reports to state ed dept.

 

Cases that are not resolved at school level go up the line to Board, SED, and courts if need be.

 

Does your state have anything in place and the school is ignoring it? Knowing what legal protections I had would influence my decision.

 

But I wanted to add that repeated hitting and punching is so extreme. I see the logic to getting your kid out of that environment, but your kid has a right to an education in the ps and to be safe there. My kids school has a kid who bullied, but nothing physical. He was first moved to a different school in the district and eventually moved out of district. The kids who were bullied stayed in their classes and schools.

[dirty ethel rackham]

Glad to hear that your child is happy with the solution!

 

I decided to be an outspoken advocate for having leaving school as an option. I can't believe how many people, psychologists included, are trapped in a mindset of sticking it out. Our psychologist worked with ds on problem solving, but she kept trying to lead to a solution of avoidance. She finally asked ds point blank if he would rather just give the bully his way and be safe, which was her solution to the problem, or get hit. Ds said quietly that he'd rather get hit. The psychologist was taken aback, but I stepped in and backed up ds. If his personal integrity is why he was hit then I'd rather he keeps his integrity than stay at school. She even tried to get us to promise to stay at school for a month and have ds find other places to play, avoiding the kid (not exactly easy due to the particular group dynamics). I agreed to 2 weeks under pressure. Maybe we'll drop the psychologist and have the money to spend on school materials instead.  :001_tt2:

Seriously?  A psychologist would pursue avoidance and giving in to bullies rather than homeschool?  And how does appeasement of bullies help a child's self esteem.  Steam is coming out of my ears reading this!!!  This psychologist needs to find another line of work!  I wouldn't give that person another dime of my money and I would report her for harming a child. 

 

ETA: I don't know that anyone in that profession would care, but I only said that to show how appalled I was that the psychologist could be so cavalier about the effects of bullying. 

[TranquilMind]

I have my kids in public school this year for a number of reasons. I have had some serious health issues, dh and I have been renegotiating our expectations of each other, and our 2nd grader is 2e. The older kids are doing well in school. They're bored at times, but seem to be having fun. The school district has been wonderfully flexible with their academic needs, including granting high school access.

 

My 2nd grader is the victim of repeated bullying at his elementary school. He has been hit by the same kid repeatedly since school started. Two weeks ago we met with the school principal and were assured that they would keep an eye on things. The hitting had been an almost daily occurrence, but after a more serious blow we had four days without an assaut. Then the kid hit mine again last week. The worst part is that the hitting occurred on Friday and then on Monday the kid was made the STAR kid of the day, getting in front of the class to share about his life. Ds tells me his dad is a race car driver and the kid has so much more than he does. My ds has plummeted into an even more severe depression. He cannot learn or function. I am so distressed that we have worked with our own child to do the right things and the institution is sanctioning his further victimization, both physically and psychologically. Ds already struggles with anxiety and depression. I am at a loss as to how to help. He has been told not to fight back, which may be the wrong advice for dealing with this particular bully. The kid is huge, by far the largest in class and seems to be older as well. He has knocked the wind out of ds and punched him full on in the stomach. Ds is athletic, but small. Incidents are of the sort where the kid tries to make rules of games so that they are targeting ds unfairly, such as a different set of rules for just him. In one incident ds, who is fast, was about to tag the kid when the kid stopped and called pause saying ds couldn't tag him. In response to being tagged anyway, the kid punches mine. Each kid will have say 10 turns, and the bully tries to tell ds he only gets 1. The other kid cheats at games as well, which is probably why so far the rest of the kids haven't joined him against ds. There are less blatant issues of general meanness and exclusion as well. Ds has been rolling with the punches until last week. He patiently waited for the adults around to help like they said they would. Now he is feeling despondent and that he should never have listened to anyone. He feels that not only is the kid not having any consequences, but that he is being given attention and power by the adults. DS articulated this!!

 

The no brainer is that I pull him out to homeschool. DH is adamantly against this. He has pushed to have the kids in public school, feeling that they do not deal with 'the real world.' It is untrue. The older boys are geeky, musical, intellectual kids. Dh can relate to the younger, who is more aggressive and 'boy,' although I believe that the younger has molded himself to try to be what his dad wants him to be. Ds wants to homeschool, but he also wants to be surrounded by kids and action. 

 

We are currently giving most of our money to psychologists and psychiatrists. We get plenty of coping techniques and bandaids and books.  So far nobody else sees leaving the school as a possibility. There's this baffling mentality of sticking it out. 

 

This won't be an issue that causes divorce, but it sure will add tension if I pull him out and homeschool again. 

 

I don't even know what I'm asking. Would you pull the kid? Is this a situation that will get better? 

I would pull him, but first, I would get down there in someone's face and make it very clear this crap was going to stop. 

 

Hell hath no fury like a mother whose kid is being hurt. 

[LilBearsMama]

I am so so glad to see mothers stand up for their kids.

We homeschool because DS is 2e and we already know what is waiting for him. Due to family situations, we can't move from the area currently, but we grew up here. I was bullied all through school - I thankfully had family who backed me up. Even so, those years in PS left their mark.

DH...well, he was already coming from a bad home. His older brother was a known troublemaker. His first grade teacher (same one I had, that my mom and grandma both tangled with repeatedly and was herself a bully) put him down as unteachable. She actually hated his mom - and loudly announced that fact.

He went through school with no backup whatsoever. If something happened - HE was the one in trouble. He was pulled by the school and put into alternative school - a 9 year old in a room full of older preteens and teens with one adult. He was put back when there were no issues b/c the adult actually stuck with him and kept him safe. Soon as he was back in PS school, the bullying started again - I'm talking hitting, biting, being spit on, hair pulled, getting cut. He finally lost it in 7th grade and got up (after his mouth and nose was bloodied) and punched the kid who hit him. He was kicked out and put back in alternative school. He got hit in the head with a pipe by a kid on the bus (same bus where a kid pulled a knife on the driver a few years ago now) and he ended up the one in handcuffs.

Yes - he came from a bad home. But we also grew up on the same street. My folks tried to help him and his sibs. He was the kid who tried to blend into the woodwork and draw no attention to himself. He just wouldn't allow himself to be hurt finally and fought back. In alternative school he was repeatedly told how stupid and useless he was. He dropped out at 16, got his GED, now works part time as a cook and part time on Youtube earning fun money through his videos.

Turns out - he was dragged at the school's request as a kid to multiple shrinks and psychs. He was told to stop being annoying, weird, stop standing up for other kids, don't argue with adults. As an adult, he was diagnosed with Asperger's a few years back.

If his mother had cared at all, things would have been so different for him. But she didn't, and to this day she blames him. It wasn't her job - he was supposed to toughen up. It's left such a mark that even the though of DS setting foot in a PS breaks him out in hives. DS is just like his dad, only even more easy going.

These stories break my heart - thanks for updating us that your boy isn't going to end up stuck in such a mess.

[RootAnn]

Winsome - So happy DH is behind you on this.  :grouphug:

Have a great week with DS!

[Guest2]

Glad to hear that you found a solution. A good martial arts class (kind instructors- no yelling or demeaning , with parents able to observe at all times) would still be a great place. It is a great outlet for energy and can be s confidence booster.

[mathwonk]

 I raised my kids to be pacifist, in particular I did not let my son take karate when he wanted to.  Some years later. I changed my mind, I should have put him right in that karate class.  Fortunately he learned on his own to take care of himself.  But if I had let him learn self defense while young, as well as the proper use of that ability, I do not believe he would have become a bully, he would have just been able to stop this kind of nonsense sooner. 

 

One childrens' book on this topic I enjoyed as a parent, was titled I believe "A bundle of sticks":

 

http://www.amazon.com/Bundle-Sticks-Pat-Mauser-McCord/dp/1880336863/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1444348491&sr=1-1&keywords=a+bundle+of+sticks

 

There is a very instructive scene in that book where the youngster goes to a drive - in with his karate instructor and witnesses that trained fighter avoid confilct with some bullies rather than beat them up unnecessarily.

 

But who knows the answer to all problems that arise?  I agree with your decision to take the child out of that school.  Something is wrong there.  There seems absolutely no reason to remain in a pathological environment.  They may even deserve to be investigated.

 

I have read more of the story and I sympathize, but in my opinion, no matter how needy that bully is, he doesn't benefit from taking it out by hitting another kid.  Just my opinion.

 

[edited]

 

And I have learned something here.  I used to always say I hated bullies, but now I will say only I hate bullying, for you have taught me even bullies may be pitied.

[HSmomof2]

 

Edited September 30, 2017 by Bethany Grace

[Janeway]

When my children were in school, each week, a couple kids or so were picked out of the entire school to receive a citizenship award. Sadly, those awards usually went to the trouble makers to try to "encourage" them to behave better. But it sent an awful message to the rest of the kids! It was one of the nails in the coffin that made me glad to leave. Ok..there are so many nails in that coffin, but that was a biggie. I did go to the principal and pointed out my child was never in trouble, the child who bullied him was given the award while my child never was. Things never changed.

[EKT]

I don't have anything new to add that hasn't already been said (lots of great advice here), but I just want to tell you that I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Your son sounds like a great, articulate kid and I hope you find a solution soon. ::Hugs::