Passing down parenting advice?

[Mommy22alyns]

Sort of similar to missing the baby/toddler years...

 

When I had little kids, I freaked out about pretty much typical things.  Is my 3 year old "typical," or should I be concerned?  Will she EVER potty train?  When will my 4/5 year old learn letters/reading/manners?  Etc.

 

And I can say now, that my kids are 10 and 12, it's okay.  When they're 10, nobody will know if they learned to read at 4 or 6.  She will eventually potty train.  Your 3 year old sounds like mine used to be.

 

Which is weird and nice.

 

So, for all the moms here who have gone beyond the 10 and 12 year old ages...

 

What would you say "don't freak out about" to moms of tweens or young teens?

 

:bigear:

[Tsuga]

Well how'd we miss that, Margaret? Congratulations, lady! Is that your lieutenant or your rodeo queen or your violinist? (Your daughters could single-handedly re-start civilization if need be... good job, mom!)

 

Also, thanks for this post. My step kids are tween/young teens. My own kids are smaller. I need sage advice.

[LisaKinVA]

First, don't fear them.  

Second, it's time for your kids to start questioning authority, questioning beliefs, struggling with new emotions, etc.  Teach them that what they are thinking/feeling, etc. is normal, and how to best approach questioning things like bedtime, going out with friends, doing chores/homework.  They need your love and support as they start changing -- and they need your guidance more than ever.  Yes, at times it means biting your tongue -- and redirecting (and even practicing), almost like having a very large Toddler.  Respect that they are growing up, and help them learn how to do it.

 

Really work in everything to keep lines of communication OPEN.  The problem with having a secret e-mail account so they can talk to the secret boyfriend or girlfriend is not really the e-mail account OR the desire for a girlfriend/boyfriend -- it's the SECRECY.  Really, really work at having your children be willing to be honest with you and know they can come to you -- even if you won't like what they have to say.  It is better to have your kid TELL you that they screwed up and forgot to turn in an assignment than to have them hide things and discover it later.  So, when they TELL you, resist the urge to blow up.  

 

My oldest is only a newly minted 16yo -- but he's a 16yo boy who still comes to chat with me about his day before he goes to bed.  He still wants to talk to me when I take him places.  I involve him in the planning of his course work, and I let him help guide the direction it will take.  My 13yo daughter is not a terror -- at any time of the month.  If she is feeling extra tired, I give her extra grace.  After all, there are days I need to spend more in bed than running around the house, too.  She doesn't have to tell me that X is happening, she just asks if she can sleep in, or if she can read in her room when she needs extra quiet time.  My 12yo boy is much more difficult than my older two ever were -- but he is MORE intense, MORE sensitive, and MORE outspoken than either of they were personality-wise, too.  I'm in the middle of this with him right now -- and I'm spending a lot MORE time working through all of this with him.

 

 

[creekland]

Accept them for who they are.  They are not necessarily clones of their parents.  They have their own likes/dislikes and personalities.

 

Keep communication open and ongoing.  This will only happen when you care AND when you don't diss what they are telling you.

 

When needed, offer suggestions (and reasons for them) rather than giving orders.

 

Remember what it was like when you were their age.  Now we have the added experience that comes from all our additional laps around the sun, but they are in the midst of hormones, growing brains, and trying to figure out life.  You can offer a shoulder, a hug, and a listening ear.  Occasionally you can also offer suggestions, but really?  They need to get the same experience that come from additional laps just like you did.

 

Allow them to have mentors outside the home.  Be sure you trust the mentor not to lead them astray, but most kids like someone outside the family they can share with.  This can work in your favor.  Remember how Barney could teach your toddler to clean, but you couldn't?  ;)  A good mentor will assist, not make the relationship you have worse.

 

Let them see as much of life as you can.  They're going to be in it soon.  It's better if they know there's good, bad, and ugly when they're still with you if you have that open line of communication.  Films can work.  World news is often worth keeping up with.

 

The days will fly by.  I have one married already.  I'm not sure when he got old enough to have a girlfriend (sigh).

 

[kewb]

My greatest discovery was finding out that the later teen years means I have a toddler again. A taller than me, able to drive toddler. Want, want, want. Mine, mine, mine. With very little thought to how their actions affect anyone else around them.

However, for the tween/early teen years it is about keeping those lines of communication open.

Trying to remember that they are people with their own interests and ideas that may be very different from your own.

They start wanting a lot more privacy and not wanting to share everything with you.

I found the book "how to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk" helpful. I can't say I was always successful implementing the ideas but it was helpful.

[HomeAgain]

11-13 is like having a 3yo again sometimes.  Sometimes you wonder if they took the bus to Stupidville and forgot to come home.  14 gets better, much better.  Things start to even out again. 16yos are actually pleasant and able creatures.  There were days I cried through my child's 12th year because I wondered if he was going to be a capable adult. It took a lot of patience and being able to see the turning point several other children made before I even thought about that small glimmer of hope.

ETA: Funny story about the How To Talk...book mentioned above.  My kid is now in a leadership position and was getting frustrated by it.  I suggested he read the book.  As he flipped through, a look of horror crossed his face. "You used all this on US!"  Yes, dear, yes I did.  And it worked. :D

[mom2scouts]

Teens can be real jerks and you'll wonder if you'll ever have a good relationship with them again.  Keep doing your best and show them you care about them even if that means you're the mean parent who won't let them do anything they want and actually makes them work sometimes.  Let them follow and explore their interests even if it's not what you would choose. Don't be threatened by other adults in their lives who care about them, as long as those adults are people you know will be good influences. Remember that even if you miss the baby/toddler years, having young adults can be just as fun.

[BlsdMama]

I'd say don't freak out on the EXTERNAL, but I'd gently add that too many people don't freak out about INTERNAL stuff.

 

So, in other words, they're okay if junior is a disrespectful, grumpy human that contributes nothing to the family but hours playing video games *as long as* the external looks good - no dyed hair, no punk earrings, good grades.  I'd tell you just the opposite - I could live with blue hair, earrings coming out of everywhere, as long as he/she was respectful and a cheerful contributor.  People spend too much time on the external.  Care less about that and care more about what's going on inside.

 

I'd say LISTEN.  At the end of the day if you want to have a real relationship and influence, then you better listen at least as much as you talk.

[pehp]

I just want to say I L O V E this thread.  I drink from the well of wisdom of those who have gone before me (even cornering women who have functioning adult children and excellent relationships with them) to quiz them on what they did.  So, I love threads like this.  Thank you for starting it!!

[bettyandbob]

Be patient. Be willing to talk about, watch, or take part in things you have interest in. Doing so will give you an opportunity to hear about things you do want.

 

Hair is dead cells. Extra long hair, bleach, dye, and odd cuts as teens do not prevent looking respectable at a job interviews in their twenties. Piercing is OK too (earrings etc can be removed)

[Laura Corin]

Pick your battles. No really, pick your battles. And when you get push back, say that you need time to think, ask for their ideas, think and decide. Listen, even if the outcome doesn't change.

 

My boys are pleasant, fairly clean and able to work towards a goal. Three battles won; I'm fine with that.

[lllll]

nm

[Onceuponatime]

Tweens: Don't freak out about the amount of food they eat, how fast their feet outgrow their shoes, the fact that you notice their personal hygiene issues more than they do. Don't freak out if they talk about being something totally unrelated to their personality and abilities, like a rock star or a sports legend. It will pass and they will resent you telling them they can't do something they think is spectacular. Don't freak out if they walk a few steps behind you, like they don't know you, when you are out places, lol. (My 11yo did this last week for the first time. I had forgotten it was a thing.)

[The Girls' Mom]

Talk with them and LISTEN without correcting.  Save the corrections for later, AFTER the conversation about xyz happens.  

Get to know them as people.

Let them see you are human and that you make mistakes.  Let them see you forgive others.

 

Know that hormones make them stupid.  They will make brainless decisions, forget things they've known for years, and do things without even knowing why they did them.  

 

Talk about all the hard things, and often.  Sex, drugs, dating, violence, religion, money, politics...the conversations need to be had, and they need to be comfortable having them with you.  

Don't forget to have fun with them and laugh.  

 

Oh, and the one weird random thing I wish I'd known...some kids grow so fast that they get very large stretch marks on their torso.  It freaked my girls out a bit and I had no clue it could happen.  Your daughter gets a little upset and self-conscious when she develops red ladder marks up her back.

[SparklyUnicorn]

It only gets worse

 

Sorry, but it does.  The issues can get a hell of a lot more serious and complicated than potty training (which yes I worried to death over).

 

You are welcome.  Glad I could help.  LOL

 

 

[Onceuponatime]

The stretch marks happened to my second son. His back looked like he had been slashed by Wolverine. It unnerved me more than it did him.

[The Girls' Mom]

The stretch marks happened to my second son. His back looked like he had been slashed by Wolverine. It unnerved me more than it did him.

 

Yep, that is exactly what it looked like.  Thankfully, they DO fade with time, but that doesn't console a freaked out teen very much.

[Loowit]

I have learned to listen more than speak and give DD a chance to express herself and bite my tongue on things.  Also, something she thanked me for was not telling her that she will likely change her mind on things.  Right now she is adamant that she will not be getting married or having children.  When she says this to other adults they all tell her that she will change her mind. It really irritates her.  I just nod and smile and be supportive of how she is feeling. Inside I think she will likely change her mind, but I see no point in expressing that opinion.

 

Also, remembering that their life is "real life" for them.  Constantly telling them that things will change "in the real world" is really frustrating to teens, IME.  Their world is not make believe.  Things change in life period, all seasons in their life is real.

[Joyofsixreboot]

They will sometimes hate you. Because you are a safe target. Be firm but have grace and patience.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Do fun stuff with them. Talk to them. Hang out with them. Touch them.

Try to remember what it was like. Really try. Then have more grace and patience.

[Scarlett]

They will sometimes hate you. Because you are a safe target. Be firm but have grace and patience.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

Do fun stuff with them. Talk to them. Hang out with them. Touch them.

Try to remember what it was like. Really try. Then have more grace and patience.

This. Sometimes when I am calm and thinking rationally I look at my ds15 and think, " I remember feeing that exact same way. ". Then I am able to be patient and kind. And a safe place. I fail at this more than I want to say.

 

My son is big time into personality types lately. Although I think they are fun, informational, maybe even helpful....I certainly don't think we need to be choosing mates and friends based upon the tests. He is so full of himself....for lack of a better phrase. He just doesn't know what he doesn't know. He is loving the fact that his personality type is exactly opposite from mine.....it makes me sad because I have seen so much of myself in this kid over the years. I see xh too though, so hey whatever. He says personality types can go bad or good.....and he strives to be the good, who can find fault with that?

 

But it is hard. He wants to be elsewhere nearly all the time. I have worked for structure and schedules his entire life....and he loves the friends house that is so chaotic I dont. know how they function.

 

All feed back from everyone is that my son is awesome. Smart, helpful, fun, spiritual..but all I want some days is a hug and to know he still loves me. My older friends tell me.....just wait. They come back around.

 

I try to be grateful....especially when I read the FB posts of my friend who lost a 2 yo in a drowning accident two years ago. She posted this that when she can't sleep she goes and gets one of her kids and puts them in bed with her to snuggle. She alternates......unless she is mad at one and then she picks that one.

 

Makes my struggles with my 15 year old seem small.

[Hoggirl]

Get to know their friends. Talk to their friends. Have the house where the friends want to be. This does NOT mean you are the lax, "cool" parent. I am neither of those, but the kids still liked to come to our house. Be around when they are around, but don't hover. Feed them when they do come. Hopefully, your children will make good friend choices. My ds did, and it gave me a lot of comfort that he chose "good" kids to hang out with as I felt like this was indicative of his overall decision-making ability.

 

When I was newly married, I was back in my hometown visiting one of my friends and her mom and she said, "I was always so thankful that you girls had such a great friend group." I didn't get it at the time because I did not yet have a child of my own. I mean, I valued my friends both then and now, but I still didn't see it from her perspective. When my ds was a teen and had such a great group of friends, I remembered her saying that and finally understanding just how true it was.

 

Parents still have much more influence over their children than the children would like to admit, but their peer group will be greatly influential as well. Help your children to be particular in choosing good friends. Looking back I can see how beneficial it was for me as a teen and for my ds as a teen.