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MyThreeSons

semi - vent

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I posted on FB about today being our anniversary. All of my friends know that my dh was diagnosed years ago with probable Alzheimer's. 

 

I'm getting people thanking me for my "example of faithfulness" to my husband. Seriously? I should be especially commended for not leaving him? I'm not a saint -- I'm just a wife who loves her husband. And he is easy to love. He is kind, considerate, giving, funny, and appreciative. Yes, he does things that aggravate me, but it is out of forgetfulness or lack of understanding, not pride and selfishness. 

 

I was tempted to praise some of my friends on their anniversaries for sticking with their husbands who can be such jerks much of the time. Sure, it would be nice to have a healthy dh and the better financial situation that would go with that, but I'd rather be comfortable sitting at home with my dh than living their lives of relative ease while being unhappy. 

 

(edited to take out that double negative I did not intend)

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Facebook, where no one can read nuance while communicating.  :grouphug:

 

Have a Happy Anniversary!! Enjoy! Congratulations! Do you get cake? Are the kids making dinner?

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Happy Anniversary!

 

I totally get what you are saying. I get a fair amount of those comments for not leaving my disabled dh.

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Happy anniversary!

 

I think they were trying to be supportive. It's one thing not to leave or cheat, but it's another to celebrate. I'm ready to run away and join the circus after a Man Cold with my DH. ;) Is there a better way to word it? Or should people just say "congrats!" and move on? I would want to offer support to a friend in your situation but wouldn't know how to phrase it.

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I think I get what you mean.  I don't want to be praised for doing normal things.  Staying married in sickness and in health is a normal thing to me.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:    

 

Happy anniversary to you! 

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Facebook, where no one can read nuance while communicating.  :grouphug:

 

Have a Happy Anniversary!! Enjoy! Congratulations! Do you get cake? Are the kids making dinner?

 

No cake. It's just the two of us at home now. We may go out for a late lunch / early dinner later. 

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Wow. I'd be hurt.

 

I'm disabled. I'm in remission, but it's ending. I hope no one praises my husband for staying with me when thing go downhill. That would be so awful. 

 

Congratulations! Enjoy your anniversary.

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Happy anniversary!

 

I think they were trying to be supportive. It's one thing not to leave or cheat, but it's another to celebrate. I'm ready to run away and join the circus after a Man Cold with my DH. ;) Is there a better way to word it? Or should people just say "congrats!" and move on? I would want to offer support to a friend in your situation but wouldn't know how to phrase it.

 

Congratulations, we love you both, woo hooo, etc. are all fine. As far as offering support goes, asking how I'm doing once in a while would be nice. People love my husband, and they always ask me how he is doing, but it is the rare, true friend who asks how I'm doing. And I am fully aware of how selfish that sounds even as I type it. 

 

"I'm proud of you" is weird, IMO. The "example of faithfulness" was well-intentioned, I know, but it just strikes me wrong. As someone else said, it's like being praised for simply doing the right thing. 

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Congratulations, we love you both, woo hooo, etc. are all fine. As far as offering support goes, asking how I'm doing once in a while would be nice. People love my husband, and they always ask me how he is doing, but it is the rare, true friend who asks how I'm doing. And I am fully aware of how selfish that sounds even as I type it.

 

"I'm proud of you" is weird, IMO. The "example of faithfulness" was well-intentioned, I know, but it just strikes me wrong. As someone else said, it's like being praised for simply doing the right thing.

It does not sound selfish. (((Hugs))) and Happy Anniversary!!

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Congratulations, we love you both, woo hooo, etc. are all fine. As far as offering support goes, asking how I'm doing once in a while would be nice. People love my husband, and they always ask me how he is doing, but it is the rare, true friend who asks how I'm doing. And I am fully aware of how selfish that sounds even as I type it.

 

"I'm proud of you" is weird, IMO. The "example of faithfulness" was well-intentioned, I know, but it just strikes me wrong. As someone else said, it's like being praised for simply doing the right thing.

That's not selfish at all! Everyone wants her friends to genuinely inquire as to her well-being. My stepmother has been caring for her mother (non-Alzheimer's dementia) for almost 10 years. It's been incredibly isolating for her. I hope you have self-care outlets. :grouphug:

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That's not selfish at all! Everyone wants her friends to genuinely inquire as to her well-being. My stepmother has been caring for her mother (non-Alzheimer's dementia) for almost 10 years. It's been incredibly isolating for her. I hope you have self-care outlets. :grouphug:

 

Actually ...... I'm joining some ladies for an evening of Bunco tonight.It got postponed from an earlier date, and dh heads to bed very early these days. 

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I can see how you could take their comments the wrong way, but gently, I would try to take them in the spirit they were offered. Sure they could have simply sent a generic anniversary message as they would have to anyone else, but I'm sure they thought some special words addressing your unique situation were in order. They probably felt congrats weren't quite appropriate and instead chose to honor your strength and perseverance during this difficult time. People don't often find the right words when trying to offer support in trying circumstances.

 

Congrats, BTW!

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Yep: another married to chronic-illness spouse here. I hate comments on my commitment and faithfulness! Seriously! "Good job not abandoning your loved ones because life is hard!" ??? Is that supposed to be encouraging or insulting?

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I think it's sad that it's become so uncommon to stay with a spouse through sickness and health that people feel compelled to comment and praise it.  It should not be something exceptional, but it has sadly turned into that. 

 

Maybe you just give hope to people that there is still decency in the world, and they are trying to communicate that!

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on a more cynical note, it's possible they just really find your faithfulness amazing, period. Because so few couples make it. I do. Congratulations!

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Unfortunately long term illness does tend to lead to marital strife and yes, divorce. Just assume they tried to compliment you clumsily and move on :)

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It feels like so many people divorce over much more minor things than an Alzheimer's diagnosis, that they probably can't help but feel like you're pretty awesome for not allowing that to pull your marriage apart.

 

Happy Anniversary. :)

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I think those comments reflect on who they are and where they are "at" in their lives than on what they think about you and your situation.  That and people don't often put much thought into what they say on Facebook.

 

Happy Anniversary!  Hope you have a lovely day together!

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Happy anniversary!

 

I think they're probably just trying to recognize that marriage may look a little different for you and take a different kind of extra effort, and they're wanting to affirm you for that.  But doing it awkwardly.

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Wow. I'd be hurt.

 

I'm disabled. I'm in remission, but it's ending. I hope no one praises my husband for staying with me when thing go downhill. That would be so awful. 

 

Congratulations! Enjoy your anniversary.

 

Hugs to you. 

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Okay .... I guess I didn't say that well. 

 

I'm not mad at anyone. My semi-vent was that in this day and age, so many people consider it worth mentioning as something beyond the norm. There are four of us couples that all celebrated 28 year anniversaries over the past few weeks. No one else was commended for sticking it out. 

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it is the rare, true friend who asks how I'm doing. And I am fully aware of how selfish that sounds even as I type it. 

 

 

 

It is NOT selfish. Not by a long shot. You matter, too.

 

Happy anniversary! I hope you are able to do something special to celebrate.

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Wow. I'd be hurt.

 

I'm disabled. I'm in remission, but it's ending. I hope no one praises my husband for staying with me when thing go downhill. That would be so awful. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

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Happy anniversary!

 

Unfortunately there are people who leave their spouse because of chronic/terminal illness.  It's sad, but true.  I'm sure those people meant to be supportive and really do hold you in high regard for sticking to your vows.

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Okay .... I guess I didn't say that well. 

 

I'm not mad at anyone. My semi-vent was that in this day and age, so many people consider it worth mentioning as something beyond the norm. There are four of us couples that all celebrated 28 year anniversaries over the past few weeks. No one else was commended for sticking it out. 

 

We're coming up on 30, and whenever people ask how long we've been married and we tell them, they *always* express admiration with a little surprise in the background. ;)  It's just rare these days. 

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Actually ...... I'm joining some ladies for an evening of Bunco tonight.It got postponed from an earlier date, and dh heads to bed very early these days. 

 

Well, that didn't work out. Evidently not enough ladies committed for Bunco, so it got canceled again. I didn't get the message that was sent two hours before the start time, as I was on the road and away from my computer. So I still showed up at the house, only to be told that, sorry, it was canceled. 

 

I was really disappointed. It wasn't about the Bunco for me -- I've only played once, years ago, and I don't remember any details except it was fun. But I was really looking forward to some fun time with a bunch of ladies. I understand that there is a minimum number needed, but it seems like those who were coming could have at least enjoyed the finger food and beverages we were supposed to bring, and found something else to do. Another game, like Apples to Apples would have been fine. 

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Congratulations, we love you both, woo hooo, etc. are all fine. As far as offering support goes, asking how I'm doing once in a while would be nice. People love my husband, and they always ask me how he is doing, but it is the rare, true friend who asks how I'm doing. And I am fully aware of how selfish that sounds even as I type it.

 

"I'm proud of you" is weird, IMO. The "example of faithfulness" was well-intentioned, I know, but it just strikes me wrong. As someone else said, it's like being praised for simply doing the right thing.

I understand what you mean. I know some people who act like I'm some kind of saint for doing all of the traveling for my dd's medical issues, and I think a few of them would have elected me Pope for staying with him 24/7 when he was in the hospital, but I don't think I'm doing anything out of the ordinary. I also know for sure that if the situation were reversed, he would be doing exactly the same thing for me.

 

I have to admit that it strikes me as odd and unfortunate when people act like they could never deal with it if their spouse developed some sort of long term medical problem. What would they do, divorce them??? :svengo: I always hope they are just being dramatic and that they don't really mean it. No one ever expects to be the one in the situation, but when something happens, I like to think that most people would step up and support their spouses in any way that was necessary.

 

I will say one thing, though -- I'm never offended when people make those comments, because I know their heart is in the right place. As others have already said, it's hard to know what to say when you want to be supportive but you don't have the right words, and you can come across incredibly awkwardly. Sometimes it's best to overlook the words and assume that your friends mean well and want to help in their own way -- and hope your dh doesn't see or hear any of the comments, because his feelings might be hurt.

 

I don't know about your dh, but my dh feels guilty about his illness having impacted our lives so much. Obviously, neither of our dhs did anything to cause their conditions (my dh has liver disease,) but they are also helpless to change them and it is very frustrating. We are very blessed in that my dh may be able to get a transplant, so at least we have some hope of an eventual cure. I am so sorry about your dh's Alzheimer's, and hope that it progresses very slowly and that medications will be helpful to him. It is a horrible disease. :(

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Well, that didn't work out. Evidently not enough ladies committed for Bunco, so it got canceled again. I didn't get the message that was sent two hours before the start time, as I was on the road and away from my computer. So I still showed up at the house, only to be told that, sorry, it was canceled.

 

I was really disappointed. It wasn't about the Bunco for me -- I've only played once, years ago, and I don't remember any details except it was fun. But I was really looking forward to some fun time with a bunch of ladies. I understand that there is a minimum number needed, but it seems like those who were coming could have at least enjoyed the finger food and beverages we were supposed to bring, and found something else to do. Another game, like Apples to Apples would have been fine.

I agree that it was weird to have cancelled the whole thing. It's not like Bunco is the be-all and end-all of group activities. If nothing else, everyone could have just chatted and enjoyed the snacks for a few hours. I'm not sure why the one specific activity was necessary.

 

I would have been disappointed, too. :(

 

Hope you had a nice anniversary otherwise, though! :grouphug:

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