How do you teach a child to be humble?

[ExcitedMama]

I don't understand it but DS 5 1/2 is the opposite of humble. It's not my personality at all and I think he really needs to tone down the bragging. He's very proud of his accomplishments which is great of course but I don't want him shouting it from the rooftops either. Unfortunately it seems like homeschooling might actually make his naturally tendency worse. He knows he should be in K but knows which books he's using that say 1st Grade. He brags about these things to everyone. At AWANA last night he kept trying to answer every question which is pretty typical for him. I was hoping group settings like AWANA would help him learn more basic manners like turn taking. Today we met with out ES from the charter school and he kept bragging about what he could do and cutting her off when she was asking him something too easy. I really don't want our monthly sessions with the ES only encouraging him to brag about himself. It's not something he sees from us so it's definitely not a modeling behavior. We've talked about it a lot but clearly the concepts are not sinking in. Any advice on how to teach him him to tone it down and be more humble?

[redsquirrel]

He's five. He sounds enthusiastic about life and I think that is amazing. He also sounds like he is very smart and has some really good leadership qualities. 

 

Let him get a little older and the world will take care of this for him. But, I sincerely hope he never loses his enthusiasm or his drive to lead, because those are wonderful character traits that will take him far.

 

But, mostly he's five. Just let him be a superstar five year old.

[Tanaqui]

This sounds developmentally normal for five years of age. When you talk about it, what sorts of things do you say, out of curiosity?

[Jean in Newcastle]

In my opinion, humility equals teachability.  Is he teachable?  It sounds like he is.  All children that age (and even older) love to share what they are learning and doing.  An ES is an advisor, correct?  How did the ES respond?  Did she say, "That's great?" and give other positive feedback?  Eventually, I would assume that there will be areas where he will need to work a bit harder.  It will (most likely) even out.  (Even my gifted child has areas of weakness that aren't as easy for him.)  As long as he is not making fun of or putting other children down, then I don't see a problem.

[lllll]

nm

[Hunter]

In my experience only insecure people brag. Seriously. So, sometimes, attempts to curb bragging actually encourage it.

 

Not all cultures believe humbleness is something to strive for.

 

I know that when I appreciated humbleness the most, is when it had been pushed on me as a form of church and domestic abuse. And then I expected it of other people.

 

Instead of trying to teach humbleness, I'd probably look at the behaviors individually.

 

And some very bright kids have learning disabilities that include social awkwardness that really start showing up at your son's age. And some of them get worse exponentially as other kids mature in certain ways that not all kids do. It can be heartbreaking for some parents to trade labels of gifted for LD.

 

I would just surround him with love, and teach him to love others. When we truly are loved and love others, we want what is best for everyone.

[MrsWeasley]

I would focus less on humility and more on etiquette. I don't hesitate to correct children when they interrupt others: if he's interrupting with or without the bragging. At five, I think it's okay to talk about taking turns in a conversation. My oldest, too, likes being "smart," and we talk about how a child can be smart without answering every question and that we need to take turns answering questions. We talk about how we have some very smart friends who are shy, and how if we want to hear from our quieter friends we need to give a few moments of silence to give them the space to talk. We talk a lot about how it's more important to be kind than smart, and wanting to hear others is the kind thing to do.

[Hyacinth]

What's that line about humility? It's not thinking less of myself; it's thinking of myself less. (Is that it? Something like that.) Maybe it would be helpful to offer him opportunities to notice and comment on others' achievements.

 

Mostly I'm with the others though--this sounds like an excited, chatty, and life-loving 5-yo.

[ExcitedMama]

Thanks so much everyone! I had no idea this was normal 5 year old behavior. The other kids his age at various activities are so mellow that it really makes it stand out when DS is trying to monopolize everything. Like at karate he is constantly trying to cut closer to the front of the line to do something again or again at AWANA answer everything but the other kids are pretty chill and not doing that stuff. I've been working with him on not interrupting but I figured that was pretty usual behavior to work on. As far as being humble I've tried telling him not to brag about himself so much, just answer a question if he is asked something and not add in something like he is the best at...all the time. He understands what I'm saying and has tried to correct DH about bragging when DH is answering someone's question about DD or something so he doesn't always get what is appropriate.

 

Thanks so much red squirrel! I really appreciate what you said and I will let him be a rock star five year old (but hopefully with nice manners).

[Farrar]

In my experience only insecure people brag. 

 

I don't know if I'd say "only" but I think this is true to some extent with adults and older kids. I really don't think it applies to a five year old though.

[Tanaqui]

The other kids his age at various activities are so mellow that it really makes it stand out when DS is trying to monopolize everything.

 

I bet that the other parents feel the same way, that THEIR kid is the one who can't behave right and everybody else's kid is always great :)

 

As far as being humble I've tried telling him not to brag about himself so much, just answer a question if he is asked something and not add in something like he is the best at...all the time.

 

It can be really hard to break a habit. The best way is to substitute a new habit. 

 

When people quit smoking, they try to eat candy instead of putting a cigarette in their mouth, right? And when you teach a dog not to jump on you, rather than screaming "no no no" you teach them to sit and shake hands when you come in the door (or whatever). You can't do the wrong thing, because you're doing something else instead.

 

You've told your kid what not to do, but you haven't given him a replacement. Instead of "Just answer the question", which doesn't give him much input as to HOW to answer the question and HOW to end a conversational turn, you might suggest "Answer the question in one breath, without rushing, and then ask them a question".  He can't be boastful if he's asking a question. At least, that's the hope! And then you can practice some responses to commonly asked questions like "What grade are you in?" or... um, whatever he's commonly being asked :)

[Farrar]

I bet that the other parents feel the same way, that THEIR kid is the one who can't behave right and everybody else's kid is always great :)

 

Somewhere they're posting on a forum saying, "How do you teach a child to speak up more often?" ;)

[ExcitedMama]

Thanks Tanaqui! You always have great advice!

[texasmama]

I absolutely love and desperately miss my non-humble five year olds.  They have all grown up to have a few insecurities, as all adults are plagued with.  

 

Rude behavior like interrupting others or not allowing someone else to have a turn answering in Awanas can be couched as learning good manners.

 

But the standing on the bow of the ship with the wind in your hair yelling "I am the King of the World!!!"  I miss that so much it makes my heart squeeze.

[laundrycrisis]

I would tell him that he is awesome, and that I'm glad he thinks so too....but that he's ready to learn something important....that people don't usually enjoy being around someone who talks only about how good they are at things.  Other people like to hear nice things or interest about what they do too.   And suggest that he can start finding some opportunities to say nice things to other people about something they do well.  It's like giving someone a little present, just to be nice.  

 

I don't think five is too young to start thinking about this.  I would not want to shame him, but I would want to plant the idea. 

[ExcitedMama]

Thanks TexasMama! I always get teary eyed when I read about parents sending kids going off to college or missing the younger years. It's always good to remember to take time to appreciate the hear and now since the years go so fast.

 

Thanks laundrycrisis! DS is actually great, maybe too much so, at conversations and compliments. The compliments are completely due to a Disney trip last year. DS saw me talking a lot to strangers while walking around and waiting in line and giving a lot of compliments to dressed up kids and adults. Now he pretty much always gives compliments, yesterday it was the necklace the ES was wearing. Unfortunately his exuberance tends to be off putting to the shy and quiet kids we encounter. My kids get a lot of blank stares when they run over and compliment another child on their shoes, shirt, etc. Adults seem thrown by this too except for the rare awesome one who engages which just makes their day.

[Jean in Newcastle]

ExcitedMama, it just sounds like you have an ExcitedSon.  Enjoy him :)