Guests... bringing guests of their own?

[WinsomeCreek]

When you invite guests to visit do they invite their own guests to come with them? This seems to be happening more and more. I find some of it understandable, such as the last time my brother stayed with us and his family brought their exchange student. They just informed me they will be doing the same for their next visit. But some of it is weirder than I remember happening in the past, such as a friend recently informing me at the last minute that they would be bringing their out of town friends with them (they were wanting to stay overnight). The friends of friends were folks I never met or even heard of. This was the first time we were having those friends over. Another time recently a family came over to swim and brought 2 preschool aged kids we didn't know, who couldn't swim, and I had never met or heard of the mom. I actually sent them home, but they didn't speak English! It made for an unsafe situation around a pool. Anyway, this seems to be happening in some variation a lot lately. Am I only noticing now because I'm getting to be a crabby old lady? Is this common? Maybe it's the part about it being people I never met or heard about that is taking me by surprise. Do people consider that it means extra food, an extra bed, extra cleaning etc? Also, I invite people because I want to spend time with them, not necessarily have a party.

Please someone, tell me I'm not just getting to be old and cranky.

[Junie]

This happened to me a few years ago at Christmas.  My family was visiting from out of state.  My mother pulled me aside and said that she had invited my brother's new girlfriend to come along.  And, oh by the way, she and my brother would be here in an hour.  She said that she didn't tell me before they left because she thought that I wouldn't want her to come. :rant:

[hjffkj]

We have friends bring other people over when we're having a game night but they always ask ahead of time. I like meeting new people so never mind. If I did I'd say no. People bringing guests last minute would bother me a bit. Overnight unexpected last minute guests would not be welcome unless there were extenuating circumstances such as a parent was in the hospital and my friends were watching the new guests

[Alessandra]

I have a friend who does a giant pot luck Thanksgiving, and she always tells people that they are welcome to bring friends. Even then, it is a courtesy to call first.

 

But in your situations (except the exchange student), what people did was completely unacceptable. What if the extra overnight guests were child molesters or thieves? Or drug users or even just smokers? I would have been tempted to turn the whole group away with some excuse. Because if you just turn away the extras, the original guests might spend their whole visit complaining. I would not host the extra guests in any case. What a horrible situation!

 

As for the non swimming kids, that is a safety issue, imo. If the pool is not fenced off, send everyone away. If the pool is fenced off, lock it up and keep everyone out. If you had known ahead, you could have got a lifeguard, or at least someone who would watch the kids full time.

 

Imo, you are completely and unequivocally right.

[Wildcat]

If you're old and cranky, so am I.

 

We had a party in our home for our teens with a few invited guests (their friends and their parents-- all in all we had about 20 people here, so it wasn't a big shindig). Some of the kids' friends arrived with other kids that MY kids didn't even know. The extra guests ate our food and didn't mingle. It wasn't until all was said and done and everything was cleaned up that we realized our kids didn't know the extras and each child thought the other child knew the extra kids. :confused1:  At least the extras were polite/non-troublemakers. LOL. We wondered if the extras even knew where they were coming and if they felt embarrassed about being in a stranger's house, which would explain the not mingling with the other kids. I'll never know....

 

I would view exchange students and boyfriends/girlfriends at family events as different because they are sort of family at that moment in time but I would never just show up with someone extra. And definitely not for an overnighter! :scared:

[Farrar]

The exchange student situation is so different, it seems not worth mentioning. The student is living as part of their family. Expecting them to find somewhere else for the student to go would be sort of rude of you.

 

The other situations... it's rude to bring people without announcing like the two little kids and it's rude to expect to be able to bring guests. But... I don't know. I guess I'm flexible about this stuff. It really depends on the situation as to whether or not it's okay.

[KingM]

I wouldn't get too upset about having a party where other kids showed up if they were well behaved. Uninvited overnights guests? That is unbelievably rude. (Not referring to the exchange student, which seems necessary.)

[WinsomeCreek]

The friends coming to spend the night sent me a text that they were bringing their friends. It wasn't clear if they were also expecting to stay, but given the 2.5 hr drive to get here they would have to stay somewhere. I texted back that the weekend was not looking good for a visit. We haven't rescheduled yet. I will not have strangers overnight with the exception of the female exchange students. I guess I don't like awkward situations where I have to figure out what people are thinking. I definitely don't like being on the spot to have to ask or be rude.

The friend who brought the little kids has the biggest heart. Honestly, she would not mind and it had not occurred to her that I would. That's the part that has me wondering. There are more examples. In every case the other people seem to think it's no big deal.

[QueenCat]

I would consider the exchange student part of their family for as long as the exchange student is living with them.That means I'd assume that if I had an exchange student living with me, and we received an invitation for our family, that the exchange student was part of the invitation.

[gardenmom5]

I think it is becoming more common.  people had to do something to move on from not RSVPing, or sending thank you  notes.  ;)

 

for an uber casual picnic is one thing, but overnight?  (I understand the exchange student - the out of town guest - sounds like they want to have it both ways.)

 

dh's nephew asked if he could bring a family to thanksgiving  - when told "that won't work for us"  (hello, space?  sit down formal dinner with china silver crystal? this wasn't a buffet with lots of seating) - his mother said "well, then we'll have thanksgiving ourselves."  great - have a nice day.  they came without their invited guests.

 

the time dh's niece BROUGHT three friends (her mother knew, but didn't stop her. :mad: ) was my first clue they were coming. while I tried to be gracious to these unexpected guests - it made unexpected problems for actual family members (on top of me and dh.)

 

I no longer am willing to host thanksgiving for dh's family. ever.  (these were just two issues.  there were many.)

[Jenrae]

No, you are not just being old and cranky!

 

Yes, I understand the exchange student coming along with the family, but not bringing along other friends. I am wondering, do you live in a fun location for site-seeing? It sounds like your friends maybe just wanted to bring along their friends so they could do site-seeing and not have the expense of a hotel. This happens to my family member who lives in a special tourist area.

 

My viewpoint is different if it is the holiday and a family member wants another in-law relation, or close friend to join them. Maybe that is the only way they can see that family member or the close friend is alone and needs support. In this situation I try to be understanding and welcoming, but I would certainly not like it sprung on me at last minute.

[catz]

In the case of the brother and the exchange student, that is totally understandable to me.  Exchange students essentially become a member of the family for the year.  I would have zero problem with an addition like that.

 

But the rest of them?  RUDE!  I haven't encountered much of this.  But there have been a few homeschool playdates where there would be a kid there without their parent brought by someone else that really changed the dynamics of the group.  If it's at a park, I don't care.  If it's not working, we'll just leave.  If it's in my home though?  Ummm ... no.

[ocelotmom]

I can think of lots of situations where I wouldn't have a problem with it, but do think it is absolutely rude to not give advanced notice and ask permission.

 

[BigMamaBird]

Regarding the pool situation, you were totally in the right.  PreK kids are hard, but to have two of them, without their mother and being not able to communicate with them is just asking for trouble if you add in a pool.  Crazy!

[justasque]

I do think it's rude to bring guests without informing the host.  

However...

--Exchange student - they are family for the duration and should be expected to be included as such.

--A mom who doesn't speak English and her toddlers - We try to be welcoming to the strangers and newcomers in our communities.  It's not easy to be a mom of toddlers in a place where you don't speak the language.  A welcoming hostess and a few hours out of the house can be the kind of thing that can really help a struggling/lonely mom keep it together for her family.  

--Thanksgiving dinner - being a welcoming hostess is more important than having a Pintrest-perfect tablescape.  Pull up an ottoman or two, ask everyone to squish up, grab some of the day-to-day china, and give everyone a slightly smaller serving of food (they won't starve).  Give thanks that you have nice china and food, and family and new friends to share it with.  

Loaves and Fishes, and hospitality to unexpected guests is the rule in my house.  They must take us as they find us, mess and chaos and all, but friends of our friends are generally welcome, and when we eat we share with everyone who is there.  

[gardenmom5]

The friends coming to spend the night sent me a text that they were bringing their friends. It wasn't clear if they were also expecting to stay, but given the 2.5 hr drive to get here they would have to stay somewhere. I texted back that the weekend was not looking good for a visit. We haven't rescheduled yet. I will not have strangers overnight with the exception of the female exchange students. I guess I don't like awkward situations where I have to figure out what people are thinking. I definitely don't like being on the spot to have to ask or be rude.

The friend who brought the little kids has the biggest heart. Honestly, she would not mind and it had not occurred to her that I would. That's the part that has me wondering. There are more examples. In every case the other people seem to think it's no big deal.

 

do these friends normally make these types of plans via text?

or were they being cowardly in announcing they were bringing their friends because they thought text would make it more difficult for you to say "no"?  (they're bringing the friends - I'd expect they were intending to also stay, unless they had specifically announced other plans so you would know for certain.)  

 

eta: I'm going to say it anyway.  people who invite a 3rd person to someone's home to which they have been invited - do NOT have "the biggest hearts".  they are not providing the pool, the entertainment, the food or the accommodation.  however - they will claim credit for being generous.  they are presumptuous at best, but they are also RUDE for not considering the host's plans, time, responsibilities, etc.

as far as the friend - if they were going to a public park or beach and she paid for the other children and supervised them - she could claim having "a big heart'.  that's not what she did.

[Liz CA]

It's rude and inconsiderate. You are inviting someone to your home. Other people should not decide they are bringing someone along that you did not invite - especially without checking with you.

If there is a situation where someone feels they need to bring somebody along for whatever reason, they absolutely should ask first. This is the least they can do.

[SparklyUnicorn]

I never invite people over so that does not happen.

I don't think I'd mind so long as they gave me a heads up.  If it was just for a dinner, not a big deal.  I tend to make too much food anyways.  If this was someone staying overnight, that wouldn't thrill me too much. 

[bettyandbob]

It is rude to bring guests without asking. 

 

The OP already stated she understood the exchange student. It is good for her db to remind of the exchange student because the OP probably doesn't keep tabs on the exchange student's arrival and departure schedule, so it's good to get a "BTW, Koichi doesn't go back to Japan for another month so he'll be with us." 

 

Pool. No. Just NO. Pools are a hazard. They are a hazard for older dc who are competent swimmers, not just nonswimming preschoolers. A person who owns a pool needs to plan on exactly who is coming and how much supervision is needed. A pool is NEVER a more the merrier situation. The pool owner is liable for every single person invited to the home whether or not swimming is planned. In the case of nonswimming preschoolers (or almost any kids), I don't think in this situation you could turn around and say "well we just won't use the pool today", because the pool is still there and someone may try to get to it anyway. If the host is not prepared to watch EVERYONE who showed up closely it is best she turn the uninvited people away. 

 

Overnight guests showing up uninvited. WHO DOES THAT?! Beds, food, showers. 

 

Significant Others (even if not fiance status) should mostly be included in family holidays. But someone should say ahead is there space for SO to come? Squeezing in is not always possible, there may be absolutely no extra space for another bed, and planning food really is an issue. 

 

 

[MyThreeSons]

I haven't experienced this with extra people, but I was more than a little miffed a while back when we had our church's small group over to our house for an afternoon fellowship, and one family brought their dog without asking. Our dog believes that it his job to keep other dogs off of our property. Thankfully, I caught her as she was getting out of her van with little Toby, and told her to wait while I got our dog crated. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I haven't experienced this with extra people, but I was more than a little miffed a while back when we had our church's small group over to our house for an afternoon fellowship, and one family brought their dog without asking. Our dog believes that it his job to keep other dogs off of our property. Thankfully, I caught her as she was getting out of her van with little Toby, and told her to wait while I got our dog crated. 

 

Ok that would bother me far more than even 10 uninvited people showing up.

[bettyandbob]

I haven't experienced this with extra people, but I was more than a little miffed a while back when we had our church's small group over to our house for an afternoon fellowship, and one family brought their dog without asking. Our dog believes that it his job to keep other dogs off of our property. Thankfully, I caught her as she was getting out of her van with little Toby, and told her to wait while I got our dog crated. 

 

 

Seriously?! There is more and more of this. Who are these people who just think their dog is welcome. 

 

"He's very obedient"

"He's hypoallergenic"

"She loves people"

 

Unless someone says "bring Fido, we've got lots of space for him to run". Assume the dog is not welcome. 

[SquirrellyMama]

I've been that unexpected guest before, and it was so uncomfortable. I didn't know that the family bringing me hadn't okayed it with the family they were visiting. Oh my, talk about awkward.  The family was not nice to me at all. I was so happy when that weekend ended.

 

I don't take surprise guests when going somewhere. 

 

Kelly

[Julie Smith]

I haven't experienced this with extra people, but I was more than a little miffed a while back when we had our church's small group over to our house for an afternoon fellowship, and one family brought their dog without asking. Our dog believes that it his job to keep other dogs off of our property. Thankfully, I caught her as she was getting out of her van with little Toby, and told her to wait while I got our dog crated. 

 

Something like that happened here. I just don't get people who show up with dogs. 

[MyThreeSons]

I have a friend who does a giant pot luck Thanksgiving, and she always tells people that they are welcome to bring friends. Even then, it is a courtesy to call first.

 

 

My dh is from a large family. We used to host Thanksgiving here. One of my sisters-in-law was in charge of contacting "everyone", which meant 75 - 90 or more people. 

 

One year, as the caravan of vehicles arrived, there was a couple that I didn't recognize. I asked dh who they were, but he didn't know either. But they seemed to know people we did know belonged there, so it didn't bother us. Some time later, dh and I both announced that we had figured out who they were. One of us said "The wife is Fred's daughter", while at the same time the other was announcing, "The husband is Jeff's brother". It turned out we were both correct, LOL. The gal was my sister-in-law's husband's daughter, and she was married to another sister-in-law's son-in-law's brother. 

[purplejackmama]

I've never heard of anyone doing this nor could I imagine myself imposing on anyone else like this.

 

Signed,

The one who KNOWS she is old and cranky

[WinsomeCreek]

I think it is becoming more common. people had to do something to move on from not RSVPing, or sending thank you notes. ;)

It seems like people are getting ruder over time, but then again I'm also getting older.

[Orthodox6]

Wholly unacceptable without asking permission of the host.  No exceptions.  If someone has landed in my lap, so as to speak, I will cancel my social engagement, rather than incommode my host. 

[WinsomeCreek]

I do think it's rude to bring guests without informing the host.

 

However...

 

--Exchange student - they are family for the duration and should be expected to be included as such.

 

--A mom who doesn't speak English and her toddlers - We try to be welcoming to the strangers and newcomers in our communities. It's not easy to be a mom of toddlers in a place where you don't speak the language. A welcoming hostess and a few hours out of the house can be the kind of thing that can really help a struggling/lonely mom keep it together for her family.

 

--Thanksgiving dinner - being a welcoming hostess is more important than having a Pintrest-perfect tablescape. Pull up an ottoman or two, ask everyone to squish up, grab some of the day-to-day china, and give everyone a slightly smaller serving of food (they won't starve). Give thanks that you have nice china and food, and family and new friends to share it with.

 

Loaves and Fishes, and hospitality to unexpected guests is the rule in my house. They must take us as they find us, mess and chaos and all, but friends of our friends are generally welcome, and when we eat we share with everyone who is there.

I hear and appreciate your generous heart. That's the same way my good friend is who brought the non-swimmers. It was just a total no for me though. The safety issues, the liability issues.

[WinsomeCreek]

Dogs without asking would be a serious problem. Our cat barely survived a dog attack. One ds is afraid of dogs. What if people have allergies??

[Alessandra]

do these friends normally make these types of plans via text?

or were they being cowardly in announcing they were bringing their friends because they thought text would make it more difficult for you to say "no"? (they're bringing the friends - I'd expect they were intending to also stay, unless they had specifically announced other plans so you would know for certain.)

 

eta: I'm going to say it anyway. people who invite a 3rd person to someone's home to which they have been invited - do NOT have "the biggest hearts". they are not providing the pool, the entertainment, the food or the accommodation. however - they will claim credit for being generous. they are presumptuous at best, but they are also RUDE for not considering the host's plans, time, responsibilities, etc.

as far as the friend - if they were going to a public park or beach and she paid for the other children and supervised them - she could claim having "a big heart'. that's not what she did.

Agree!

[Alessandra]

It seems like people are getting ruder over time, but then again I'm also getting older.

Well, you can't control the older bit, but people should be capable of curbing their thoughtlessness. JMHO.

 

Btw, I hope Ellie posts here. I always enjoy her etiquette comments.

[LucyStoner]

We have an all comers policy for Thanksgiving but for overnight guests? I have a no-comers policy. The only people allowed to sleep here who don't live here are my nieces and nephew and a short list of children of friends who come for sleepovers.

[WinsomeCreek]

do these friends normally make these types of plans via text?

or were they being cowardly in announcing they were bringing their friends because they thought text would make it more difficult for you to say "no"? (they're bringing the friends - I'd expect they were intending to also stay, unless they had specifically announced other plans so you would know for certain.)

 

eta: I'm going to say it anyway. people who invite a 3rd person to someone's home to which they have been invited - do NOT have "the biggest hearts". they are not providing the pool, the entertainment, the food or the accommodation. however - they will claim credit for being generous. they are presumptuous at best, but they are also RUDE for not considering the host's plans, time, responsibilities, etc.

as far as the friend - if they were going to a public park or beach and she paid for the other children and supervised them - she could claim having "a big heart'. that's not what she did.

In this case you have to take my word for it. This friend would have opened the house, pool everything for total strangers. She made a last minute decision to help out another mom. She apologized and arranged for them to go home as soon as I told her it wasn't ok. I was surprised that she hadn't realized how I would see it. We know each other well.

 

The other friends are pretty new. We text, but I would absolutely have called her to ASK if the situation was reversed. She just texted that they had friends come into town last minute and were bringing them up. It left things open to interpretation. I should have called to clarify, but I hate awkward conversations. Maybe that's why she didn't call me? I'm fully with the poster above who would cancel rather than inconvenience another.

 

Our house is in a desirable destination and it's an awesome place: pool, trampoline, swing set and rope swings, fields and forests. Ironically, we're trying to move to where other people are coming from (but that has to do with a neighbor).

 

The exchange student coming will be a new one. They have one every year. They could visit in between students but it hasn't worked out.. see paragraph above. 😠We have a good relationship, but not a particularly close one.

 

For holidays I think it depends on whether you plan a special, more intimate dinner or a big, jolly party. Either way I wish people would ask ahead of time. The two examples I gave represent my first times saying no. That's kind of a big step for me and why I wondered about the old and cranky bit.

[grantmeawish]

Big drooling untrained dogs are not welcome especially when not invited. We have had to keep a family members dog in the garage because they showed up with it thinking we'd be ok with the dog in the house. Nice well mannered uninvited guests are always welcome😀

[momacacia]

I don't know what has happened, but it seems much of the world needs a remedial Emily Post course. This is one of my biggest problems with in-laws--what flies as what my MIL wants to do would be considered very rude and inconsiderate by my own mom and the way I was raised. Yet saying "uh, they were not invited by the hostess of the home" or "you should ask the hostess of the home before inviting someone else" (and that's pushing it), is easily labeled as lacking in "Christian hospitality." Well, so be it. It's not as inconsiderate as bringing tag-a-longs with you.

 

A hostess should usually know who and how many are coming and this knowledge usy by inviting the people herself or at the most being asked. Notification of the hostess doesn't count as good manners.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I had guests bring guests for Christmas one year, but (and it's a big but  :D ) they did call to ask and I would have been completely free to say no.  I said "Yes" though.  Their friends had a tree come down on their house Christmas Eve.  Of course they could come celebrate with us.  

[WinsomeCreek]

I had guests bring guests for Christmas one year, but (and it's a big but :D ) they did call to ask and I would have been completely free to say no. I said "Yes" though. Their friends had a tree come down on their house Christmas Eve. Of course they could come celebrate with us.

I think this is different. That was wonderful of you to have them.

[bettyandbob]

I don't know what has happened, but it seems much of the world needs a remedial Emily Post course. This is one of my biggest problems with in-laws--what flies as what my MIL wants to do would be considered very rude and inconsiderate by my own mom and the way I was raised. Yet saying "uh, they were not invited by the hostess of the home" or "you should ask the hostess of the home before inviting someone else" (and that's pushing it), is easily labeled as lacking in "Christian hospitality." Well, so be it. It's not as inconsiderate as bringing tag-a-longs with you.

 

A hostess should usually know who and how many are coming and this knowledge usy by inviting the people herself or at the most being asked. Notification of the hostess doesn't count as good manners.

 

People who start making judgements and having labels like "Christian hospitality"  are just trying to manipulate others and are lacking in Christian behavior themselves. Such behavior from and IL would result in me limiting invitations to them directly.

[Wildcat]

I wouldn't get too upset about having a party where other kids showed up if they were well behaved. Uninvited overnights guests? That is unbelievably rude. (Not referring to the exchange student, which seems necessary.)

 

In our case, we weren't upset, just perplexed. We tried to make eye contact/smile with all the kids to make them feel welcome (we didn't know everyone) so we got a chuckle once we realized no one knew the extras.

 

If someone showed up as an overnight surprise, I think I would have to help them find a hotel room and bend over backwards to be polite, but no way could/would I accommodate them.

 

I haven't experienced this with extra people, but I was more than a little miffed a while back when we had our church's small group over to our house for an afternoon fellowship, and one family brought their dog without asking. Our dog believes that it his job to keep other dogs off of our property. Thankfully, I caught her as she was getting out of her van with little Toby, and told her to wait while I got our dog crated. 

 

Speechless. You are a nicer person than I for crating your own dog and allowing the other one into your home/yard.

 

I've been that unexpected guest before, and it was so uncomfortable. I didn't know that the family bringing me hadn't okayed it with the family they were visiting. Oh my, talk about awkward.  The family was not nice to me at all. I was so happy when that weekend ended.

 

I don't take surprise guests when going somewhere. 

 

Kelly

 

Ugh, I'm so sorry. How terribly awkward. I don't understand why the host family was rude to you, though!

 

It seems like people are getting ruder over time, but then again I'm also getting older.

 

Definitely. Not the getting older part, even though we're all getting older, but the people getting ruder part. People are also more and more self-centered, which then translates into rudeness.

 

Dogs without asking would be a serious problem. Our cat barely survived a dog attack. One ds is afraid of dogs. What if people have allergies??

 

We also have a cat that was attacked. I have allergies to dogs AND I'm afraid of dogs because I was attacked. If someone brought their dog to my home they would be turned away.

*I do own a dog--- a 20 pound sweetie that I have had since a pup so I know what makes her tick. I also know how I react to her fur and how to reduce my allergic reactions. I react differently to different dogs. I am allergic to the so-called hypoallergenic ones, too, so that argument wouldn't hold water with me if anyone tried it on me.

[Greta]

The friends coming to spend the night sent me a text that they were bringing their friends.

And that's when I would have texted them back with the address of a hotel. ;)

[Bluegoat]

I can't imagine bring surprise overnight guests.  Or to a sit down dinner party.

 

There does seem to be a difference in different social groups, and especially with more casual events - among some people the guest list seems to be more open and others less so.  I guess you have to get to know what the accepted thing is in that area or with those people.  That is the problem I think with the Emily Post approach - all kinds of systems work well as long as everyone knows the rules.  So you really need to know the rules where you are, not where Ms Post was.

 

And then, individual families also have their own customs.  I think this is where a lot of unintended conflict arises, when two families are joined by marriage and their customs don't line up.

 

TBH I would not think twice about someone bringing a few extra kids she was watching to a play-date, or a friend with a few kids.  I think I would tend to ask but I actually usually have an extra, and I often forget to mention it because I just include her with my lot, so maybe I am not as careful as all that.

[Luckymama]

My bil brought his new-ish puppy to our house one year for Christmas Eve dinner. We keep a pet-free house because my sister's dh and her youngest are allergic to almost every animal. I was gobsmacked that dh's brother would be so presumptive.

 

The puppy spent the evening in our garage.

[TravelingChris]

We have a pool and wouldn;t want any non swimmers here without prior notification.  When my daughter and her husband have children, we won't be using the pool and will get a pool alarm if they are visiting.  So far, we have had no non swimming visitors here who had any interest in the pool in the four years we have lived here.

 

I wouldn't be thrilled with extra visitors most times.  I often don't make extra food and when I do, the extras are for lunch the next day or something like that.  IF they came, I am not sure what I would do.  It isn't so easy to add servings to dishes like steaks, pork chops, etc.  I buy enough for the people eating.  I also don't like people suddenly not coming.  THen I have food left over that I didn't intend to have and money may be wasted.  The other day, my son complained about the amount of spaetzle I had. I bought a package for over 4 dollars and it was for five servings.  I didn't intend to spend $9 on a side dish.  He would have been able to make homemade spaetzle if he wanted more.  We had the ingredients.

 

I am currently entertaining my son's guest and have been for over a week.  He will be here two more weeks, I think.  (My son and him are moving out to an apartment and the guest just moved to this state to do so and will be starting his new job tomorrow. They are putting in an application for an apartment on Monday).  THen last night, my daughter and her husband and a dog and a cat came.  They went with my husband on a church rafting trip and I was left with the animals.  At least they brought a wire kennel for the dog who is much more hyper than my dog and weights twice as much plus likes to jump up on people.  The cat just tries to go into our sunroom which is a no pet area because of our plants there.  By the thrid week in August, I think I will be down to one dog and my husband.  My son is taking my hyperthyroid cat and my married daughter is taking our OCD cat and I will just be left with very allergenic dog.  

[gardenmom5]

My bil brought his new-ish puppy to our house one year for Christmas Eve dinner. We keep a pet-free house because my sister's dh and her youngest are allergic to almost every animal. I was gobsmacked that dh's brother would be so presumptive.

 

The puppy spent the evening in our garage.

 

in this day and age when people bring their dogs shopping with them, because little fluffy (or even Bruno) can't be left alone for one hour - I'm not surprised.  they're having dogs instead of children, so they think they should be able to take their dogs wherever children are socially allowed.

 

People who start making judgements and having labels like "Christian hospitality"  are just trying to manipulate others and are lacking in Christian behavior themselves. Such behavior from an IL would result in me limiting invitations to them directly.

:iagree:  I wish I could like this x 1000.

[Seasider]

Hmm. The only time that's ever happened to me is when a family member evacuates from a hurricane target area and asks if a friend or neighbor can come along. Under those circumstances I have a come-one, come-all, open door policy (and expect anyone who has ever stayed at my home would feel the same should I need to bug out in their direction).

 

But just regularly? I understand bringing the exchange student, that's reasonable, but otherwise it seems like they're not really actually coming to visit you, but using you for a hotel. That's how I might feel, anyway. I suppose it depends on how well my family hits it off with the tag-alongs! Seriously, I would want to know that any extra boarders are very well known by the ones bringing them. I'd want to know they were trustworthy, particularly since I have children at home.

 

Eta the whole business of just showing up or calling to tell you they're planning to do it (rather than asking, which for the record I also think is rather rude), is truly rude. Just showing up with extras, double rude. As for your little swimmers, I would have been really miffed that someone uninvited by me personally showed up expecting to swim. BUT, I have a locker full of life jackets and likely would have just strapped those kids up, then later told my friend that it was not a good idea, please don't do that to me again.

[bettyandbob]

TBH I would not think twice about someone bringing a few extra kids she was watching to a play-date, or a friend with a few kids. I think I would tend to ask but I actually usually have an extra, and I often forget to mention it because I just include her with my lot, so maybe I am not as careful as all that.

Many people plan on no more than specific numbers of guests, so asking, even for a play date is just polite.

 

Going further, looking at the OP's situation, it is one thing if that play date involves only basic activities like sidewalk chalk or balls. However, when a play date involves a pool this becomes a serious safety issue. If I were baby sitting 2 non swimming preschoolers plus my own dc for the day I wouldn't pack them all up and head to the neighborhood public pool or club, unless I knew the baby pool area had a locking fence (mine does) and I was sure it would be uncrowded enough that no one in my care would be out of my sight even in the baby pool and I knew no one was going to figure out the fence lock. Really, I'd be better off setting up one of those plastic baby pools in my yard for the group I was watching, if water activity needed to be on the agenda. The OP has an actual pool in her yard. This isn't a very shallow wading pool (which still needs vigilance). This isn't about just having fun and being accomodating to more kids on a play date. This is a major safety issue.

[Melissa in Australia]

I once had a whole family rock up at 7 pm and tell me that they were staying for a week or so.... :glare:  At that time we had 4 children in a 2 bedroom cottage, and I worked full time. To say it was awkward is an understatement. We loaned them a tent. I cannot remember what I scraped together for their tea as we had already eaten and cleaned up.

 

 

 

As for people who arrive with their dogs. We tell them straight off that our area is full of Paralysis ticks ( it is) and they straight away lock their dogs in their car.

[Ausmumof3]

I think it depends how it's handled. If the invitee say something like - we'd love to come but we currently have an exchange student with us, can we bring them or would you prefer to make another time - I think that's fine. If it was a mum with kids I might say something like - I have xyz friend who is struggling to find new friends at the moment, her English isn't great. Would you mind if we introduced her to you? That might be ok. NIf it's a whole family I think the only correct answer is sorry we've got plans for that day but we'd love to catch up later. I don't think it's ever ok to just show up with extras. But I think if you are close friends it's ok to at least chat about options. Also it probably depends on the friends. Some of ours are very confident and welcoming of strangers, others find any kind of hosting stressful so I would be unlikely to impose anything extra on them.

[Alessandra]

I once had a whole family rock up at 7 pm and tell me that they were staying for a week or so.... :glare: At that time we had 4 children in a 2 bedroom cottage, and I worked full time. To say it was awkward is an understatement. We loaned them a tent. I cannot remember what I scraped together for their tea as we had already eaten and cleaned up.

 

 

 

As for people who arrive with their dogs. We tell them straight off that our area is full of Paralysis ticks ( it is) and they straight away lock their dogs in their car.

Hmm, ticks and a tent.... I think you have a workable solution for the uninvited guest problem.