Teaching manners/"proper" behavior without NAGGING

[LAmom]

Any tips on teaching kids how to not eat so messy (getting food all over table, clothes, etc.) and to use proper habits at the table, have good posture, etc.?  One child in particular (my 10yo) seems to get nagged constantly and I feel bad about that.  I want to train my kids to be neat, sit up straight, form good habits, but I am sure that nagging doesn't help or even work.  I know some comes with time and maturity but for the 10yo especially I feel like I should expect more.  I hope I don't come across as uber-strict and expecting formal, proper manners at all times.  I just would like the kids to eat a meal and not be covered in the food like wild animals!  LOL.  

 

Any tips?  The 10yo also is constantly slumped over in a very hunched and lazy posture.  I know that at a young age it is important to learn good posture and train your muscles in that way.  Just looking for help to STOP nagging.  Constantly nagging....don't eat that, sit up straight, wipe your mouth, etc., etc.  :(

 

Thanks.

[bensonduck]

My kids are younger so please take this advice with a grain of salt. 😀. We expect 1 meal per day at the table with proper manners. Usually this is lunch for us. I expect polite discussion, use of utensils in an age appropriate manner, and not acting like a wild animal. They may clear their dishes once they have decided they are done and ask to be excused. If, for instance, my 6 year old makes a mess of her soup, she will be asked to help clean up.

 

The other 2 meals are way more casual. We often eat around our coffee table or sitting on a blanket on the floor. Most of these meals are not very messy. Cleaning up is easy. And there is low/no pressure about sitting up straight, napkin in lap, eating noodles with a utensil rather than ones fingers, etc.

 

For us, the skills learned at lunch time have translated to the other meals and they are less of a disaster overall. Of course there's periodically hummus everywhere or someone drops a bowl of beans all over the floor, but I can see they are trying. :)

[HomeAgain]

1. Mrs. Pigglewiggle.

 

2. Enforcing clean up.  The 5,4,and2yo eat together here.  The older two take turns wiping the table/chairs and sweeping under it for the first two meals.  The 2yo and I work together for snack time.

 

3. The Manners Game.  Once a week is usually good.  Each person gets a small dish with 10 buttons, pennies or beans next to their plate.  If they catch someone using bad manners, they get to take a token from that person.  The one with the most at the end of of the meal gets to pick the after-dinner activity for the family.  If there is a tie, we all get two activities that night. :)

[LAmom]

Thanks for the ideas. I'm starting to feel really bad...maybe if I say it in a more positive way? Ha. I don't know. Maybe give a morning reminder or like mentioned at one meal a day. The posture (complete slouch) really bothers me. I could correct that all day. Any articles out there in the blog world on this?

[Ellie]

Any tips on teaching kids how to not eat so messy (getting food all over table, clothes, etc.) and to use proper habits at the table, have good posture, etc.?  One child in particular (my 10yo) seems to get nagged constantly and I feel bad about that.  I want to train my kids to be neat, sit up straight, form good habits, but I am sure that nagging doesn't help or even work.  I know some comes with time and maturity but for the 10yo especially I feel like I should expect more.  I hope I don't come across as uber-strict and expecting formal, proper manners at all times.  I just would like the kids to eat a meal and not be covered in the food like wild animals!  LOL.  

 

Any tips?  The 10yo also is constantly slumped over in a very hunched and lazy posture.  I know that at a young age it is important to learn good posture and train your muscles in that way.  Just looking for help to STOP nagging.  Constantly nagging....don't eat that, sit up straight, wipe your mouth, etc., etc.   :(

 

Thanks.

 

Miss Manners says it takes 18 years of constant nagging to rear a well-mannered adult. Gentle, continual reminders and corrections is not necessarily nagging, but it is necessary.

 

FTR, I see nothing wrong with expecting formal, proper manners at all times. :-)

 

It is possible that it might be necessary to take a stronger approach, as when your 10yo is "constantly" slumped over. IDK what, exactly, as I am not a fly on the wall of your home. :-)

[Desert Strawberry]

I am so relieved to know that I'm not alone. I'm horrified by my children's madness and messiness. My twelve year old is just now finishing meals without being covered in good smears and the 9 yo is just in the past week or so making an effort. I have been known to throw monstrous tantrums over it. Not ideal parenting for sure.

[HomeAgain]

I am so relieved to know that I'm not alone. I'm horrified by my children's madness and messiness. My twelve year old is just now finishing meals without being covered in good smears and the 9 yo is just in the past week or so making an effort. I have been known to throw monstrous tantrums over it. Not ideal parenting for sure.

 

You are definitely not alone! I felt like my oldest could be a stand-in for Beast in the next Belle movie. :glare:   That's why we started the manners game.  In the end we all win because we all get to do the activity as a family together, but there's no punishment other than loss of a bean.  The goal is to be aware and playful, and give plenty of opportunities to use those manners over the years: making tea together for our parent/child conference each month, staging a 'several course' meal with what we find in the frozen food dept., learning to use chopsticks or eat Moroccan....LOL  Make a table curriculum!

 

And here's a funny for you - we couldn't figure out why my oldest was such a mess every time he had to use a steak knife.  Seriously, the kid would have food sliding all over the place.  After wayyyyyyy too long of this we finally realized the problem.  He was mirroring us when we taught him (over and over!) instead of mimicking.  It's really hard for a kid to cut left-handed when he is most definitely a righty!

 

[MotherGoose]

Have them clean up their own messes (thinking of the 10 yo). Frame things positively and specifically, As in, "please wipe your mouth." "Scoot your chair closer to the table," "chew with your mouth closed, please." But I think it requires constant reminders because if they think you have forgotten and let them slide, they will take full advantage :)

[fairfarmhand]

I heard once that slouchers often have weak back and abdominal muscles. I might start having everyone do pilates. I know my posture improved drastically.

[idnib]

I tell them in a few years they'll be old enough to go out to eat with friends without any adults, but people will stop inviting them if they can't behave correctly and are embarrassing their friends. IOW, we have to eat with them, but others don't!

 

It works fairly well and I nag for the rest.

[Guest HHW Academy]

your not alone! we made it a rule if your not using your manners then you wont get that item you just said "give me..." for slouching our oldest does this its simple as i had a phone call to his doctor before our apt. and we had a talk about different seating we would have to use to help keep his back growing right if he kept it up. set a goal and he kept to it. so now if hes slouching a lot pulling feet in chair like crouching etc hes going to loose the chair. kinda along the line of keep all 4 on the floor or u loose it... he only had it taken away once :D he evidently did not like that lol but i didnt have to nag and nag but just gave him two or three options i was ok with. i recently read an article on ways to talk to your kids about doing chores etc with out nagging or sounding mean etc. we started off trying this and thought about how we were saying it. if im going to nag hes going to know ill remind him. so if he leaves his clothes on floor and door to room open and puppy witttles on his clothes as puppies will do...hes going to wash it not me, then dry and put away. this is not to say he didnt have just that happen then put it in laund. basket expecting me to give in but i just set it aside did our other items and informed him" i think you forgot to wash all those dirty clothes from when puppy had that accident in your room i left it in the basket for you to do" and walk on. he stormed in a huff to do it and take it to machine etc but in end he knows im not going to remind and if i do its going to be assuming you already did it but i think something happened...

[fairfarmhand]

Could you replace the chair with an exercise ball? You have to sit up pretty straight on one of those.

[Carrousel]

Mrs. Piggle Wiggle was a huge hit here. I just repeat what I want them to say until they parrot.

It. "May I please have.." "No thank you." "We don't interrupt when others are speaking." I try to think it is a more positive form of nagging?

[lllll]

nm

[JumpyTheFrog]

The big two no-nos in our house at all times are:

 

-No interrupting

-No talking with food in your mouth

 

If they are talking with food in their mouth, I tap the side of my cheek twice as a reminder. I sometimes say something, but after all these years they know what the hand signal means.

 

We have pointed out nearly every time they have interrupted (ages 9 and 6) for the past two years at least. I figure it will take years more to train them. I hate, hate, hate being interrupted, partly because I have known two very rude people who talked almost non-stop, never letting me get a chance to speak. I finally stopped being friends with one woman after the day she interrupted every single sentence I tried to say in a 10 minute conversation, including when I tried to answer the questions she asked me. 

 

In my experience, the people (adults) who tend to interrupt others constantly are terrible listeners. They seem to use the time when I am speaking to figure out what to say rather than listen to me. These are generally the same people that I can talk to for a half-hour and while I may ask them lots of questions (which shows that I am listening), they may not ask me a single one. Sometimes I wonder if they think I am secretive or something because I usually learn a lot more about them than they do about me. (I wonder if this is what spies feel like? Spies must love to be around these big talkers because they are too busy chatting to pay attention to what they let slip. I guess people aren't familiar with "Loose lips sink ships!")

[SparklyUnicorn]

It gets better with time and practice.  Don't pick on every single thing every time.  Compliment when they get something right.  Don't focus on what is done wrong, demonstrate how you want it done.

 

And sometimes...just let it go.  Who wants to choke down every meal with constant critique?  I don't.

 

 

[LAmom]

I really appreciate all the responses and help. I will try to keep it more positive, not nag at every meal, look for things that are done with good manners, etc. This is tough stuff! I feel like I'm making the 10yo very self-conscious but I guess some awareness is good! 😜

[albeto.]

I'm of the opinion that a lack of certain behaviors may be a result of a lack of certain skills. If your child is consistently clumsy at the table, do you find s/he is clumsy elsewhere? My table slob would fall over standing up on his own two legs as a toddler. Interestingly enough, this always preceded needing to use the bathroom. We joked that his full bladder made him off balance, but then, he really did look like a drunken sailor flopping over while standing and talking. Go figure. Things like that take time, but the skills can also be worked on through games and sports that require attention to balance. Tae kwua do and roller blading were fun for him. Roller blading was integrated into our spelling tests. The test consisted of him standing at the top of the driveway with roller skates on, and sister stood at the bottom of the driveway with a nerf broadsword (from a Renaissance Faire). I called out the word and he had to coast down the driveway. If he spelled the word wrong and ran out of time to correct it, his sister got to bonk him with the nerf sword. It was great fun for all, and he worked on different skills that way. 

 

If it's not a matter of balance and body awareness, then perhaps it's a matter of attention. Does s/he generally miss things? One thing we did was have a family journal for recording editing mistakes we came across in other books (never each other - I wouldn't encouraging judging and policing each other, too much opportunity for hurt feelings). My kids started writing down things like when a closing parenthesis was forgotten, or the wrong word capitalized. We found these things rather silly and enjoyed finding these kinds of mistakes all over. The lesson they learned was to pay attention to detail, and that was incorporated into their own experiences. They didn't fall into a trap of judging each other or judging others in a condescending way because I would remind them how easy it can be to overlook something, and surely that's all that was happening there, too. So I think that nipped that potential problem in the bud. Then again, my kids aren't terribly competitive, so I don't think they would have developed that habit very strongly in any case. Still, something to keep an eye on I guess.

 

If you can find other examples of sloppiness or lack of finesse, you might find a more general area for targeting. I hesitate to suggest "root cause" because it's neurological, either hard wiring or conditioning, and I'm guessing hard wiring and conditioning. In any case, working on skills through other venues (like sports, or games), and repetition will be helpful in any case. Working on these skills stealthily will help you get the skills without resorting to nagging alone. Another thing that will help replace some of the nagging is to reference appropriate behavior. When s/he does sit up straight, use utensils elegantly, chew silently, etc, smile and notice this out loud. "Gee honey, you look like a really classy person just now, and that's really neat to see! Did you try to be elegant or did it just happen without you thinking about it?" I would encourage you to spread the compliments so no one feels short-changed, and no one feels like they're in an uncomfortable spotlight.

 

A game you might play is to put a jar in the middle of the table at lunch, or some other really casual eating time. Every time you catch someone exhibiting behavior you like to see, drop a jelly bean in the jar. It doesn't matter who does it, by the time the jar gets almost to the top, every one will be doing their darndest to get the last ones in! When it's full, take all the kids out for some kind of treat. Ice cream, water park, movie in the theater, or whatever you're comfortable with. This doesn't draw attention to any one person, but helps everyone improve, including the one whose attention just isn't on his/her table manners. If you see one child complimenting another (and you might, because any positive attention gets another jelly bean, and if you don't notice it and they do, you can be sure they'll let you know!), you might consider putting another jelly bean in. Compliments and pleasant conversation are certainly part of good table etiquette anyway. 

 

Anyway, kudos to you for not wanting to nag too much. Nobody likes to be nagged, and I think kids ought to be treated with the same respect we expect ourselves. That's hard when we've got the maturity to listen to a request and comply. Kids can't always do that, but I don't think it's for lack of desire. I think oftentimes it's a lack of skill. Anyway, have fun. :)

 

[PeterPan]

You might consider whether the dc has low muscle tone or some retained primitive reflexes or other things that could be causing this.  It would come out like that, with slouching or other behaviors.  There comes a point around that age where you realize your kid IS trying to be compliant and it's not working.  That's the point where we started getting evals.  My dd turned out to be low tone, hence the odd way she sits at the table.  I wouldn't assume it's all volitional.